Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

'Twas the Night Before Chaos

Episode No# 086
Written by:
Rosalind Moore
Directed by:
Andy Cadiff
Transcript by:
Corrections should be sent to:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Guest Cast
Lillian - Polly Holliday
Marty - William O'Leary
Nancy - Jensen Daggett
Heidi - Debbe Dunning
The Colonel - M. Emmet Walsh
Episode begins on the set of "Tool Time". There are Christmas decorations up and Tim, Al and Heidi are wearing festive hats
Tim: Merry Christmas. It's Yule time here on "Tool Time".
Al: Merry Christmas. You know Christmas always reminds me of my childhood. I used to build a snowman every year. I used a carrot for its nose. Cookies for its eyes. Licorice for its smile.
Tim: That's a great story, Al. Unfortunately, Al's Mom usually ate the snowman
Al: One year! She used the carrot to make coleslaw.
Tim: Today's "Tool Time" isn't about a plaid lad's Christmas. Today's "Tool Time" is about a man's Christmas. And nothing says Christmas to a man like a block of ice and a Binford chainsaw.
Al: That's right. And today's special "Tool Time" guest uses a chainsaw to make beautiful ice sculptures.
Tim: That's right. Our guest, Chas Jensen, is here to do the Plymouth ice scultping spectacular, so let's give him a warm, no wait a minute, let's give him a cool "Tool Time" welcome. Chas Jensen. [Chas enters] Welcome to "Tool Time", Chas.
Chas: Thank you, Tim.
Al: Chas.
Chas: Thank you, Al.
Al: Now rumour has it that you can actually make a Christmas tree out of this block of ice in thirty seconds.
Chas: Yes I can. Would you like me to demonstrate?
Tim: We didn't invite you on the show to sing.
Chas: OK. [Starts up the chain saw and starts sculpting the ice block into a Christmas tree shape]
Tim: Yeah!
Al: Well, that is fabulous, however, the presents you put under it should be waterproof.
[Opening credits]
Taylor Household Kitchen
[Jill is taking cakes off a baking tray. Tim enters.]
Jill: Oh, no. It's the Christmas lighting contest again. Tim, I hope you're not going to go overboard this year. You know we could try a little subtlety for a change. [Tim goes into the garage]
Tim: Got it covered. [Tim emerges from the garage carrying a six foot candy stick]
Jill: Oh, Tim!
Tim: They were all out of the big ones.
Jill: Right. [We hear movement on the stairs] Hey, no running in the house. [Mark enters, followed by Randy]
Mark: I have to go to the bathroom.
Randy: Hey, hurry up Mark. Get outa there. I gotta go really bad.
Jill: Why don't you go upstairs and use your bathroom?
Randy: I can't. Aunt Nancy's in there giving the babies a bath.
Jill: Well, then use ours.
Randy: Uncle Marty's in there and he took five magazines with him.
Tim: Go get some of those stink matches. Whoooo! [Mark appears]
Randy: Whooo!
Mark: I'm out! [Mark runs off upstairs. Randy goes to the bathroom]
Jill: [Tim enters again from the garage, this time carrying a five foot candle.] Tim, will you please set the high chair up for lunch.
Tim: I'll just eat at the counter.
Jill: Oh, so great to have babies in the house again.
Tim: There's nothing like a little projectile vomit to brighten up the holidays.
Jill: Oh, come on. Gosh, I think this is going to be...the perfect Christmas.
Tim: You're not kidding. I think this year, finally, my decorations are going to beat Doc Johnson's.
Jill: No, I was referring to your brother's family being here, and my parents coming.
Tim: Don't set yourself up like this. Every year your parents come, you end up locked in your bedroom going [Puts on a wailing voice] "Why did I even invite them?". You know what present I'd like your Dad to give me? Call me my name, "Tim", instead of "Hey you".
Jill: Well, if you heard what he called you behind your back, you'd be happy with "Hey you". [The doorbell rings] Oh, they're here. [Jill runs to answer the door. Tim pushes a life size donkey through the kitchen. Jill opens the door to her Mom] Mom, it's so wonderful to see you!
Lillian: It's amazing you're seeing us at all. Your father didn't use the turn signal once all the way from Texas. Hello dear. [Hugs Jill] Hello Tim [Hugs Tim]
Tim: Hi Lillian.
Colonel: [Enters carrying some bags] I didn't use the signal cuz there was no-one behind me Lillian.
Lillian: Then what was that truck that almost side-swiped us?
Colonel: He had no business being on the Interstate, big truck like that.
Jill: Hi Daddy.
Colonel: Hello sweetheart. [Hugs Jill, then turns to Tim] Hey you. [Shakes Tim's hand]
[There is an eruption from up the stairs and the boys, Mark, Randy and Brad all come running down the stairs]
Colonel: Here come the troops. [Everyone greets everyone else in a hubbub of noise]
Lillian: [To the boys] Hello. Give me some sugar.
Colonel: Alright men. Here's your mission. There is a vehicle in the driveway that needs unloading. Dismissed.
Brad: It's packed to the ceiling with presents.
Randy: Charge! [The boys all run out into the drive]
Lillian: That's another thing. Your father piled the presents up so high in the back seat he couldn't even see out the window.
Colonel: Don't blame me. I wanted to put the presents in the front seat and you in the back.
Lillian: Well that would've certainly made things more pleasant for me.
Tim: [Laughing] Oh, it's going to be a perfect Christmas. [Puts his arm around Jill]
Jill: Would anybody like some egg-nog?
Lillian: Oh no, your father can't eat eggs.
Colonel: I can eat eggs. I just don't know what the hell nog is.
Jill: [Marty and Nancy come into the kitchen carrying the baby twins] Oh, look, look. You remember Tim's brother Marty and his wife Nancy. And this is Claire, and I think that's Gracie.
Lillian: Oh, aren't they little angels. [Takes Claire from Nancy's arms]
Marty: Yeah, take a good look. They're clean. We're clean. It only happens once a day.
Colonel: [To baby Claire] If you're thinking about a career, think Army.
Lillian: Oh, all he ever talks about is the Army, the Army, the Army. You'd think he never retired.
Colonel: Never should have retired. After spending two days in the car with you, the Korean war was a picnic.
Lillian: Well, I really enjoyed my two days riding with you. Of course, I could have had more scintillating conversation with a crash dummy.
Colonel: You calling me a dummy?
Jill: Would you please just STOP...
Tim: Jill.
Jill: ...standing we can talk about Christmas lights. Tim is entering a contest. Tell them, honey.
Tim: I'm entering a contest.
The Taylor Living Room
[Brad is looking at the presents around the Christmas tree]
Brad: Hey guys. Get down here. [Mark and Randy come into the living room] Let's see what Grandma and Grandpa got us for Christmas. [Brad shakes one of the presents]
Mark: Hear anything good?
Brad: No, I don't hear anything. [All of the boys shake parcels]
Brad, Randy and Mark: Clothes! [The boys start to leave the room, going into the garden. Lillian and Jill come into the room from upstairs]
Lillian: Oh, oh, there they go. [Calling after the boys] Don't stay out too long, boys. When you get back, you can help me put the icing on my famous sticky buns.
Brad, Randy and Mark: [Unenthusiastically] Alright Grandma, Goodbye.
Lillian: Now don't worry, Jill, you can go back on your diet after Christmas.
Jill: I'm not on a diet, Mom.
Lillian: Oh, ...oh, ...OH. Then you don't have to worry at all.
Jill: So, erm, are you and Dad OK in Brad's room?
Lillian: Oh, as OK as we are anywhere else. You have no idea what your father's like these days.
Jill: know I'll grease those baking pans for you.
Lillian: Ever since he retired, he just sits like a lump in his den amd watches the same old war movie over and over and over.
Jill: Margerine or butter?
Lillian: Patten. He's seen it so many times I know everything that George S.Patten ever said. "OK, men. We're going through those enemy lines like crap through a goose."
Jill: Oh, about these sticky buns.
Lillian: I can't get him to DO anything. I thought we'd get to travel, and go to Italy. Do all the things we never had time to do when he was working. Just when I thought we'd be getting closer together, we seem to be growing apart.
Jill: Mom. Don't you think you ought to talk to Dad about this, not me?
Lillian: Well, it's no use. He's established a stronghold in that den. I'd have to put a grenade under his barker-lounger to get him out of there.
Colonel: [Yelling from upstairs] Lillian, where'd ya put my tape of Patten? I want to show it to the boys when they get back.
Lillian: I threw it out of the window in St. Louis.
Colonel: If you're serious, we're going back to get it.
Lillian: Oh alright, alright. I'll find it. [Lillian heads off upstairs. Tim and Marty push a siz foot tall camel through the hallway to the living room]
Jill: Tim, Tim. Wait a second. I want to talk to you.
Tim: Not now. I gotta go and light up a camel.
Jill: Tim, I just talked to my Mother. She's really upset with Dad. I know that I said that I wouldn't get involved, but I really think that I have to say something to my father.
Tim: Before you say something, let me say something. Don't say something.
Jill: This is not their usual bickering. You know, it seems like they're really unhappy.
Tim: Well, of course they are. They're been married forty-two years!
The Living Room
[The boys are sat watching the video of Patten with the Colonel who has one of the twins in each of his arms]
Colonel: Look girls. There's General George S. Patten. He was the most powerful military leader in the world.
Randy: [Looks at the twins] Whoo! Speaking of powerful. [Wafts his hand in front of his face] I think one of those babies just dropped a bomb.
Nancy: [Entering with Jill] There they are.
Colonel: Oh, they were crying so I decided to calm 'em down by lettin' them watch Patten's invasion of North Africa.
Nancy: Oh, at home we put them to sleep with old tapes of "Tool Time". [Jill laughs]
Jill: Oooh, somebody's stinkin' up the joint over here.
Brad: Randy! [Randy gives Brad a dirty look. Nancy goes off upstairs with Gracie]
Jill: Boys, boys, would you go upstairs for a while. I want to talk to your Grandpa alone.
Mark: Mom, we were right in the middle of "Patten".
Jill: Well, go upstairs and ask your Grandma to act out the rest of it for you. Brad, will you take Claire up to Nancy? [Hands the baby over to Brad] Here. Bye-bye. [The boys all leave the room. Jill uses the remote control to switch off the TV]
Colonel: What are you doing'? I was watchin' my favourite movie.
Jill: Yeah, I hear that's what you spend most of you time doing now, watching old war movies.
Colonel: Oh, for cryin' out loud! Your mother been talkin' to ya?
Jill: Dad, it's not uncommon when a man retires to go through something like this.
Colonel: Something like what?
Jill: Well, I think that you're experiencing a little bout of depression.
Colonel: You know, this is just like you. The second we walk through the door, you stick your nose in the middle of our business.
Jill: No, wait a second. I've been trying to stay out of this. The second you walked through the door, you two started arguing.
Colonel: That's not true. We started arguing in Texas! [The Colonel gets up to leave]
Jill: Well, it's two thousand miles. You could have finished by Missouri.
[Commercial break]
On the roof of the Taylor Household
[Marty is looking through a pair of binoculars whilst Tim is moving stuff about on the roof]
Marty: Doc Johnson's amazing. I swear his Santa looks real.
Tim: Just put the binoculars down. Give me a hand with the Virgin Mary will ya. [Tim turns around, holding a life size cutout of the Virgin Mary and whaps Marty in the face with it as Marty lowers the binoculars] I'm sorry. Are you alright?
Marty: I don't know. I'm still numb from when you beamed me with the pig.
Jill: [Calling up from the ground] Tim, will you come down here, I need to talk to you.
Tim: Can't it wait?
Jill: No!
Tim: Oh. Marty, I'll be right back. [Heads off down the ladder]
Jill: I really blew it this time. I tried to talk to Dad about Mom and now he's really mad at me.
Tim: I thought we decided that you weren't going to get involved. [Reaches the bottom of the ladder]
Lillian: [Appears in the doorway from the living room] Young lady. Could I see you for a minute, please. I am so mad at you!
Jill: Great, now they're both mad at me.
Tim: Congratulations! Two for two! [Jill heads off into the house after Lillian]
In the Living Room
Lillian: Did you tell your father that I said he was depressing?
Jill: No, I didn't say he was depressing, I said he was depressed.
Lillian: He said that you said that I said he was depressing.
Jill: No, no, no. I said that he was exhibiting all the classic signs of depression.
Lillian: I don't think that one semester of psychology qualifies you to diagnose retired Colonels.
Jill: Mom, I was just trying to help you get through to him.
Lillian: Well I don't need you to help me get through to my own husband.
Jill: Well then why did you come to me complaining about his in the first place?
Lillian: I was just letting off steam. If you hadn't opened your mouth, your father and I could have just been mad at each other and had a perfectly lovely Christmas. [Lillian leaves heading off upstairs as Marty comes into the house holding his hand to his head]
Marty: Band-Aids?
Jill: Erm, upstairs. Top three drawers.
Marty: Which room?
Jill: Every room. [Marty heads off upstairs. Jill heads out into the garden]
In the Garden
Jill: Tim! Can you come down here. I have to talk to you.
Tim: Again?
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: [Climbs all the way down the ladder] OK, what did you do now?
Wilson: Hidy-ho neighbors!
Jill: Never mind, I'll talk to Wilson instead.
Tim: You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna install an escalator. [Heads off up the ladder]
Jill: Wilson, I'm really having a problem.
Wilson: Oh, oh. Experiencing a little seasonal stress, Jill?
Jill: Yeah. My Dad is having trouble adjusting to retirement. It's driving my Mother crazy, so I tried to help and now they're both really mad at me.
Wilson: Mmm. Mmm. You got caught in the middle. That is a familial land-mine, not to mention an Noel no-no.
Jill: Yeah. Course, Tim told me not to get involved...
Tim: [From up on the roof] Yes I did!
Jill: ...but is it really such a bad thing for me to try and help my parents?
Tim: Yes is was!
Jill: [Shouts] Shut up Tim!
Wilson: Well Jill, when parents are having problems, it's natural for a child regardless of age to want to help.
Jill: [Shouts] Did you hear that Tim?
Wilson: On the other hand, it's perfectly natural for parents to not want their children's help.
Tim: [Shouts] You hear that, Jill?
Jill: Look, Wilson. Uh, what are you saying? What am I supposed to do about my parents?
Wilson: Well, I can tell you what they do in the Nua tribe in Africa. They bring in a wise member of the tribe, usually an older Nua, who helps counsel the disputing parties and helps them resolve the differences.
Jill: So, what I need is an objective third party.
Wilson: Exactly.
Jill: [With desperation in her voice] Wilson, please.
Wilson: No, Jill. I would love to, but I'm going to a Philipino Christmas party.
Jill: Well, when are you going to be back?
Wilson: Couple of weeks. The party's in the Philipines.
Jill: Man! Well there goes my fantasy of a perfect Christmas. Thanks anyway Wilson. Have a nice trip. [Jill goes into the house]
Wilson: [Shouts to Tim] Well, how about you, Tim. I think you would qualify as an objective third party.
Tim: Forget about it Wilson. I'm the kind of guy who likes to stand his ground. [Turns, loses his balance and falls off the roof] Whoa-ho-ho-ho!
Wilson: Are you alright?
Tim: Ooh, ooh. Yeah, I just was tired of using that ladder.
The Kitchen
[Randy and Brad are picking raisins out of the sticky buns on the baking tray on the counter]
Randy: So, what did ya get me for Christmas?
Brad: Why?
Randy: Cuz I wanna know if I got you the same thing you got me.
Brad: I didn't get you anything.
Randy: Same thing I got you. [The Colonel enters from upstairs]
Colonel: Those sticky buns are for breakfast tomorrow. You guys aren't sneakin' any are ya?
Brad: No.
Colonel: Why not? Nobody's lookin'. [Takes a sticky bun off the tray and walks into the living room. Tim enters from the garden]
Tim: Hey, Colonel.
Colonel: Hey you.
Tim: What are you doin'?
Colonel: Watching "Patten"
Tim: How 'bout puttin' that thing on "Pause" and helping me string these lights up on the roof there?
Colonel: I have no interest in your battle with an eighty year old proctologist.
Tim: Yeah, you're right. Guy's probably gonna win anyway. You know how tough those old Navy guys are.
Colonel: Did you say "Navy"?
Tim: [Grunts] Yes I did. [Walks out into the garden]
On the roof
[The Colonel climbs up the ladder onto the roof]
Colonel: No way we're going to let a Navy guy beat us.
Tim: Alright, Colonel. With your help I think we can beat the old doctor.
Colonel: Now, let me see the enemy.
Tim: Watch your step. Across the street there. Red brick. White trim. He's walking on the roof there.
Colonel: Well, he's got so many things up there, I can't see which one's Doc Johnson.
Tim: He's the one wearing the rubber gloves. We got a lot of work to do. Alright, hand me the sheep, you plug in a pig.
Colonel: [Hands a cutout sheep to Tim] There you go.
Tim: Colonel, it's great to have you on my team.
Colonel: Great to be back in action again.
Tim: From what Jill says, you haven't been too active lately though.
Colonel: Oh, here we go. Now there's another monkey in the middle.
Tim: I'm not a monkey in the middle. I'm an objective third party like the African Manure tribe.
Colonel: What the hell are you talkin' about?
Tim: Jill says you've been spending a lot of time in the den and Lillian's not too happy about it.
Colonel: Lillian doesn't understand how my life has changed. I used to command two thousand troops who worshipped the ground I walked on. Now, I spend all my time with one woman who vacuums the ground I walk on.
Tim: Just cuz you retired from the Army doesn't mean you retired from life!
Colonel: I'm not retired from life.
Tim: Well, you're retreating from your marriage.
Colonel: An Army man never retreats.
Tim: Well, what are you doin' in the den all the time?
Colonel: I'm watchin' the story of the greatest military hero of all times.
Tim: How many scenes in the film do you see Patten in his den sittin' on his butt lookin' for his remote?
The kitchen
[Lillian, in her dressing gown walks to the counter and opens the drawer as the Colonel enters from the garden]
Colonel: Lillian. What are you doin' up at O-six-hundred hours?
Lillian: Well, I've been up all night. Who could sleep with the two of you stomping on the roof?
Colonel: Oh, it was worth it. We're going to surprise the hell out of that Navy butt doctor.
Lillian: Well, you must be exhausted. You never came to bed.
Colonel: Oh, I was so excited, I didn't think about the time. [We see Jill coming down the stairs - out of sight of Lillian and the Colonel] I did think of some other stuff though. Like getting off my butt, and out of the den.
Lillian: Where you gonna go? The living room? [Jill ducks out of the way, unseen, as Lillian goes over to the cupboard]
Colonel: No, I realise I haven't been much fun to live with since I retired. What would you think about doin' a little travellin'? Maybe goin' to Italy? [We see Jill leaning from around the back of the refrigerator - still unseen by Lillian and the Colonel]
Lillian: Well, I've always wanted to go to Italy. Especially Venice.
Colonel: Well, I'd like to take you.
Lillian: Oh, you would, huh?
Colonel: Yeah, we could, you know, see the sights, eat some pasta. Maybe go on a gondola ride.
Lillian: I thought you hated boats.
Colonel: A gondola is a boat?
Lillian: Oh, Fred! [They smile at each other and kiss]
Colonel: Merry Christmas
Lillian: I don't know what happened last night, but when we get back home, maybe you'd better spend more time on the roof. [Turns and sees Jill] Jill! What are you doing there? Have you been eavesdropping on us?
Jill: [Holding the coffee pot] No, I'm sleep-walking.
Colonel: You make coffee when you're sleep-walking?
Jill: Yes, that way it's ready when I wake up. Ooh, we should have some of these [pulls the foil off the sticky buns tray]
Lillian: Oh, who got into my sticky buns? They're half gone.
Colonel: Boys must've.
Lillian: Oh, those little scamps. [Walks away with the sticky bun trays]
Jill: Daddy, I'm so happy. Looks like we're going to have that perfect Christmas after all.
Colonel: You bet.
Jill: You know, I didn't think that you were listening to me, but it seems like some of what I said sunk in.
Colonel: It wasn't you. It was "Hey you".
Jill: Tim?
Colonel: You know, if you listened to what he has to say, he's not such an idiot.
Tim: [Falls from the roof all tangled up in the Christmas lights and is seen through the living room window.] Ooh, Oh, oh! Help! Colonel. I need a little help out here. Colonel.
The living room
[The family are all wearing their coats. Tim comes rushing in from the garden]
Tim: Come on everybody. There coming down the block. The judges are ready to look at the house.
Mark: Oh, let's go see it.
Tim: [Approaching Jill and Nancy who are holding the baby twins] All I'm missin' is a real baby for the manger.
Nancy: He wouldn't, really?
Jill: He would, but we're not going to let him.
Tim: It's not like you don't have one to spare. [They all go outside to the garden]
The garden
[The camera is looking down at them from the roof]
Lillian: This is what you spent all night on?
Jill: Well, I don't even see a manger.
Colonel: And they didn't see the Allies coming into Normandy either, and you know why?
Lillian: Why?
Tim and the Colonel: Camauflage!
Tim: Watch. [Tim presses the button on the remote control unit he is holding. A variety of cut-outs swing up from the flat roof shedding the snow which had covered them. Lights then illuminate the scene]
Jill: Wow! [The family all start clapping] You know what, I still don't see a manger.
Tim: Oh yeah? Watch this. [Presses another button on the remote control. A manger emerges from a hole in the roof]
Jill: Wow, that is so cool. Look at this. It raises up right out... Tim did you make a hole in our roof?
Tim: Oh yeah. Just a little one. I'll repair it tomo...tomorrow [It starts to snow]
Jill: Oh, no!
Tim: [Grunts] Uh-Oh!
["Tool Time" set. Tim and Al are standing with a man carved out of blocks of ice]
Al: Well, you know I alway wondered what I would look like frozen.
Tim: Just look in the mirror, Al. Well, actually, his belt's a little wide. Let me take a little bit out of the waist here.
Al: Tim. Do not touch "Frozen Al".
Tim: I know what I'm doin', Al. [A piece of ice falls to the floor]
Al: Oh great. Now you've taken a chunk out of "Frozen Al". [Tim mutters something and then pushes "Frozen Al" forwards a little which results in the ice man falling over]

Valid XHTML 1.0 Transitional Valid CSS We rated with ICRA We rated with Safe Surf