| Episode begins on the set of "Tool Time". There are Christmas decorations up and Tim, Al and Heidi are wearing festive
hats |
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| Tim: | Merry Christmas. It's Yule time here on "Tool Time". |
| Al: | Merry Christmas. You know Christmas always reminds me of my childhood. I used to build a snowman every year. I used a carrot for its nose. Cookies for its eyes. Licorice for its smile. |
| Tim: | That's a great story, Al. Unfortunately, Al's Mom usually ate the snowman |
| Al: | One year! She used the carrot to make coleslaw. |
| Tim: | Today's "Tool Time" isn't about a plaid lad's Christmas. Today's "Tool Time" is about a man's Christmas. And nothing says Christmas to a man like a block of ice and a Binford chainsaw. |
| Al: | That's right. And today's special "Tool Time" guest uses a chainsaw to make beautiful ice sculptures. |
| Tim: | That's right. Our guest, Chas Jensen, is here to do the Plymouth ice scultping spectacular, so let's give him a warm, no wait a minute, let's give him a cool "Tool Time" welcome. Chas Jensen. [Chas enters] Welcome to "Tool Time", Chas. |
| Chas: | Thank you, Tim. |
| Al: | Chas. |
| Chas: | Thank you, Al. |
| Al: | Now rumour has it that you can actually make a Christmas tree out of this block of ice in thirty seconds. |
| Chas: | Yes I can. Would you like me to demonstrate? |
| Tim: | We didn't invite you on the show to sing. |
| Chas: | OK. [Starts up the chain saw and starts sculpting the ice block into a Christmas tree shape] |
| Tim: | Yeah! |
| Al: | Well, that is fabulous, however, the presents you put under it should be waterproof. |
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| [Opening credits] |
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| Taylor Household Kitchen |
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| [Jill is taking cakes off a baking tray. Tim enters.] |
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| Jill: | Oh, no. It's the Christmas lighting contest again. Tim, I hope you're not going to go overboard this year. You know we could try a little subtlety for a change. [Tim goes into the garage] |
| Tim: | Got it covered. [Tim emerges from the garage carrying a six foot candy stick] |
| Jill: | Oh, Tim! |
| Tim: | They were all out of the big ones. |
| Jill: | Right. [We hear movement on the stairs] Hey, no running in the house. [Mark enters, followed by Randy] |
| Mark: | I have to go to the bathroom. |
| Randy: | Hey, hurry up Mark. Get outa there. I gotta go really bad. |
| Jill: | Why don't you go upstairs and use your bathroom? |
| Randy: | I can't. Aunt Nancy's in there giving the babies a bath. |
| Jill: | Well, then use ours. |
| Randy: | Uncle Marty's in there and he took five magazines with him. |
| Tim: | Go get some of those stink matches. Whoooo! [Mark appears] |
| Randy: | Whooo! |
| Mark: | I'm out! [Mark runs off upstairs. Randy goes to the bathroom] |
| Jill: | [Tim enters again from the garage, this time carrying a five foot candle.] Tim, will you please set the high chair up for lunch. |
| Tim: | I'll just eat at the counter. |
| Jill: | Oh, so great to have babies in the house again. |
| Tim: | There's nothing like a little projectile vomit to brighten up the holidays. |
| Jill: | Oh, come on. Gosh, I think this is going to be...the perfect Christmas. |
| Tim: | You're not kidding. I think this year, finally, my decorations are going to beat Doc Johnson's. |
| Jill: | No, I was referring to your brother's family being here, and my parents coming. |
| Tim: | Don't set yourself up like this. Every year your parents come, you end up locked in your bedroom going [Puts on a wailing voice] "Why did I even invite them?". You know what present I'd like your Dad to give me? Call me my name, "Tim", instead of "Hey you". |
| Jill: | Well, if you heard what he called you behind your back, you'd be happy with "Hey you". [The doorbell rings] Oh, they're here. [Jill runs to answer the door. Tim pushes a life size donkey through the kitchen. Jill opens the door to her Mom] Mom, it's so wonderful to see you! |
| Lillian: | It's amazing you're seeing us at all. Your father didn't use the turn signal once all the way from Texas. Hello dear. [Hugs Jill] Hello Tim [Hugs Tim] |
| Tim: | Hi Lillian. |
| Colonel: | [Enters carrying some bags] I didn't use the signal cuz there was no-one behind me Lillian. |
| Lillian: | Then what was that truck that almost side-swiped us? |
| Colonel: | He had no business being on the Interstate, big truck like that. |
| Jill: | Hi Daddy. |
| Colonel: | Hello sweetheart. [Hugs Jill, then turns to Tim] Hey you. [Shakes Tim's hand] |
| [There is an eruption from up the stairs and the boys, Mark, Randy and Brad all come running down the stairs] |
| Colonel: | Here come the troops. [Everyone greets everyone else in a hubbub of noise] |
| Lillian: | [To the boys] Hello. Give me some sugar. |
| Colonel: | Alright men. Here's your mission. There is a vehicle in the driveway that needs unloading. Dismissed. |
| Brad: | It's packed to the ceiling with presents. |
| Randy: | Charge! [The boys all run out into the drive] |
| Lillian: | That's another thing. Your father piled the presents up so high in the back seat he couldn't even see out the window. |
| Colonel: | Don't blame me. I wanted to put the presents in the front seat and you in the back. |
| Lillian: | Well that would've certainly made things more pleasant for me. |
| Tim: | [Laughing] Oh, it's going to be a perfect Christmas. [Puts his arm around Jill] |
| Jill: | Would anybody like some egg-nog? |
| Lillian: | Oh no, your father can't eat eggs. |
| Colonel: | I can eat eggs. I just don't know what the hell nog is. |
| Jill: | [Marty and Nancy come into the kitchen carrying the baby twins] Oh, look, look. You remember Tim's brother Marty and his wife Nancy. And this is Claire, and I think that's Gracie. |
| Lillian: | Oh, aren't they little angels. [Takes Claire from Nancy's arms] |
| Marty: | Yeah, take a good look. They're clean. We're clean. It only happens once a day. |
| Colonel: | [To baby Claire] If you're thinking about a career, think Army. |
| Lillian: | Oh, all he ever talks about is the Army, the Army, the Army. You'd think he never retired. |
| Colonel: | Never should have retired. After spending two days in the car with you, the Korean war was a picnic. |
| Lillian: | Well, I really enjoyed my two days riding with you. Of course, I could have had more scintillating conversation with a crash dummy. |
| Colonel: | You calling me a dummy? |
| Jill: | Would you please just STOP... |
| Tim: | Jill. |
| Jill: | ...standing there...so we can talk about Christmas lights. Tim is entering a contest. Tell them, honey. |
| Tim: | I'm entering a contest. |
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| The Taylor Living Room |
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| [Brad is looking at the presents around the Christmas tree] |
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| Brad: | Hey guys. Get down here. [Mark and Randy come into the living room] Let's see what Grandma and Grandpa got us for Christmas. [Brad shakes one of the presents] |
| Mark: | Hear anything good? |
| Brad: | No, I don't hear anything. [All of the boys shake parcels] |
| Brad, Randy and Mark: | Clothes! [The boys start to leave the room, going into the garden. Lillian and Jill come into the room from upstairs] |
| Lillian: | Oh, oh, there they go. [Calling after the boys] Don't stay out too long, boys. When you get back, you can help me put the icing on my famous sticky buns. |
| Brad, Randy and Mark: | [Unenthusiastically] Alright Grandma, Goodbye. |
| Lillian: | Now don't worry, Jill, you can go back on your diet after Christmas. |
| Jill: | I'm not on a diet, Mom. |
| Lillian: | Oh, ...oh, ...OH. Then you don't have to worry at all. |
| Jill: | So, erm, are you and Dad OK in Brad's room? |
| Lillian: | Oh, as OK as we are anywhere else. You have no idea what your father's like these days. |
| Jill: | Right...er...you know I'll grease those baking pans for you. |
| Lillian: | Ever since he retired, he just sits like a lump in his den amd watches the same old war movie over and over and over. |
| Jill: | Margerine or butter? |
| Lillian: | Patten. He's seen it so many times I know everything that George S.Patten ever said. "OK, men. We're going through those enemy lines like crap through a goose." |
| Jill: | Oh, about these sticky buns. |
| Lillian: | I can't get him to DO anything. I thought we'd get to travel, and go to Italy. Do all the things we never had time to do when he was working. Just when I thought we'd be getting closer together, we seem to be growing apart. |
| Jill: | Mom. Don't you think you ought to talk to Dad about this, not me? |
| Lillian: | Well, it's no use. He's established a stronghold in that den. I'd have to put a grenade under his barker-lounger to get him out of there. |
| Colonel: | [Yelling from upstairs] Lillian, where'd ya put my tape of Patten? I want to show it to the boys when they get back. |
| Lillian: | I threw it out of the window in St. Louis. |
| Colonel: | If you're serious, we're going back to get it. |
| Lillian: | Oh alright, alright. I'll find it. [Lillian heads off upstairs. Tim and Marty push a siz foot tall camel through the hallway to the living room] |
| Jill: | Tim, Tim. Wait a second. I want to talk to you. |
| Tim: | Not now. I gotta go and light up a camel. |
| Jill: | Tim, I just talked to my Mother. She's really upset with Dad. I know that I said that I wouldn't get involved, but I really think that I have to say something to my father. |
| Tim: | Before you say something, let me say something. Don't say something. |
| Jill: | This is not their usual bickering. You know, it seems like they're really unhappy. |
| Tim: | Well, of course they are. They're been married forty-two years! |
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| The Living Room |
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| [The boys are sat watching the video of Patten with the Colonel who has one of the twins in each of his arms] |
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| Colonel: | Look girls. There's General George S. Patten. He was the most powerful military leader in the world. |
| Randy: | [Looks at the twins] Whoo! Speaking of powerful. [Wafts his hand in front of his face] I think one of those babies just dropped a bomb. |
| Nancy: | [Entering with Jill] There they are. |
| Colonel: | Oh, they were crying so I decided to calm 'em down by lettin' them watch Patten's invasion of North Africa. |
| Nancy: | Oh, at home we put them to sleep with old tapes of "Tool Time". [Jill laughs] |
| Jill: | Oooh, somebody's stinkin' up the joint over here. |
| Brad: | Randy! [Randy gives Brad a dirty look. Nancy goes off upstairs with Gracie] |
| Jill: | Boys, boys, would you go upstairs for a while. I want to talk to your Grandpa alone. |
| Mark: | Mom, we were right in the middle of "Patten". |
| Jill: | Well, go upstairs and ask your Grandma to act out the rest of it for you. Brad, will you take Claire up to Nancy? [Hands the baby over to Brad] Here. Bye-bye. [The boys all leave the room. Jill uses the remote control to switch off the TV] |
| Colonel: | What are you doing'? I was watchin' my favourite movie. |
| Jill: | Yeah, I hear that's what you spend most of you time doing now, watching old war movies. |
| Colonel: | Oh, for cryin' out loud! Your mother been talkin' to ya? |
| Jill: | Dad, it's not uncommon when a man retires to go through something like this. |
| Colonel: | Something like what? |
| Jill: | Well, I think that you're experiencing a little bout of depression. |
| Colonel: | You know, this is just like you. The second we walk through the door, you stick your nose in the middle of our business. |
| Jill: | No, wait a second. I've been trying to stay out of this. The second you walked through the door, you two started arguing. |
| Colonel: | That's not true. We started arguing in Texas! [The Colonel gets up to leave] |
| Jill: | Well, it's two thousand miles. You could have finished by Missouri. |
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| [Commercial break] |
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| On the roof of the Taylor Household |
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| [Marty is looking through a pair of binoculars whilst Tim is moving stuff about on the roof] |
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| Marty: | Doc Johnson's amazing. I swear his Santa looks real. |
| Tim: | Just put the binoculars down. Give me a hand with the Virgin Mary will ya. [Tim turns around, holding a life size cutout of the Virgin Mary and whaps Marty in the face with it as Marty lowers the binoculars] I'm sorry. Are you alright? |
| Marty: | I don't know. I'm still numb from when you beamed me with the pig. |
| Jill: | [Calling up from the ground] Tim, will you come down here, I need to talk to you. |
| Tim: | Can't it wait? |
| Jill: | No! |
| Tim: | Oh. Marty, I'll be right back. [Heads off down the ladder] |
| Jill: | I really blew it this time. I tried to talk to Dad about Mom and now he's really mad at me. |
| Tim: | I thought we decided that you weren't going to get involved. [Reaches the bottom of the ladder] |
| Lillian: | [Appears in the doorway from the living room] Young lady. Could I see you for a minute, please. I am so mad at you! |
| Jill: | Great, now they're both mad at me. |
| Tim: | Congratulations! Two for two! [Jill heads off into the house after Lillian] |
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| In the Living Room |
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| Lillian: | Did you tell your father that I said he was depressing? |
| Jill: | No, I didn't say he was depressing, I said he was depressed. |
| Lillian: | He said that you said that I said he was depressing. |
| Jill: | No, no, no. I said that he was exhibiting all the classic signs of depression. |
| Lillian: | I don't think that one semester of psychology qualifies you to diagnose retired Colonels. |
| Jill: | Mom, I was just trying to help you get through to him. |
| Lillian: | Well I don't need you to help me get through to my own husband. |
| Jill: | Well then why did you come to me complaining about his in the first place? |
| Lillian: | I was just letting off steam. If you hadn't opened your mouth, your father and I could have just been mad at each other and had a perfectly lovely Christmas. [Lillian leaves heading off upstairs as Marty comes into the house holding his hand to his head] |
| Marty: | Band-Aids? |
| Jill: | Erm, upstairs. Top three drawers. |
| Marty: | Which room? |
| Jill: | Every room. [Marty heads off upstairs. Jill heads out into the garden] |
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| In the Garden |
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| Jill: | Tim! Can you come down here. I have to talk to you. |
| Tim: | Again? |
| Jill: | Yeah. |
| Tim: | [Climbs all the way down the ladder] OK, what did you do now? |
| Wilson: | Hidy-ho neighbors! |
| Jill: | Never mind, I'll talk to Wilson instead. |
| Tim: | You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna install an escalator. [Heads off up the ladder] |
| Jill: | Wilson, I'm really having a problem. |
| Wilson: | Oh, oh. Experiencing a little seasonal stress, Jill? |
| Jill: | Yeah. My Dad is having trouble adjusting to retirement. It's driving my Mother crazy, so I tried to help and now they're both really mad at me. |
| Wilson: | Mmm. Mmm. You got caught in the middle. That is a familial land-mine, not to mention an Noel no-no. |
| Jill: | Yeah. Course, Tim told me not to get involved... |
| Tim: | [From up on the roof] Yes I did! |
| Jill: | ...but is it really such a bad thing for me to try and help my parents? |
| Tim: | Yes is was! |
| Jill: | [Shouts] Shut up Tim! |
| Wilson: | Well Jill, when parents are having problems, it's natural for a child regardless of age to want to help. |
| Jill: | [Shouts] Did you hear that Tim? |
| Wilson: | On the other hand, it's perfectly natural for parents to not want their children's help. |
| Tim: | [Shouts] You hear that, Jill? |
| Jill: | Look, Wilson. Uh, what are you saying? What am I supposed to do about my parents? |
| Wilson: | Well, I can tell you what they do in the Nua tribe in Africa. They bring in a wise member of the tribe, usually an older Nua, who helps counsel the disputing parties and helps them resolve the differences. |
| Jill: | So, what I need is an objective third party. |
| Wilson: | Exactly. |
| Jill: | [With desperation in her voice] Wilson, please. |
| Wilson: | No, Jill. I would love to, but I'm going to a Philipino Christmas party. |
| Jill: | Well, when are you going to be back? |
| Wilson: | Couple of weeks. The party's in the Philipines. |
| Jill: | Man! Well there goes my fantasy of a perfect Christmas. Thanks anyway Wilson. Have a nice trip. [Jill goes into the house] |
| Wilson: | [Shouts to Tim] Well, how about you, Tim. I think you would qualify as an objective third party. |
| Tim: | Forget about it Wilson. I'm the kind of guy who likes to stand his ground. [Turns, loses his balance and falls off the roof] Whoa-ho-ho-ho! |
| Wilson: | Are you alright? |
| Tim: | Ooh, ooh. Yeah, I just was tired of using that ladder. |
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| The Kitchen |
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| [Randy and Brad are picking raisins out of the sticky buns on the baking tray on the counter] |
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| Randy: | So, what did ya get me for Christmas? |
| Brad: | Why? |
| Randy: | Cuz I wanna know if I got you the same thing you got me. |
| Brad: | I didn't get you anything. |
| Randy: | Same thing I got you. [The Colonel enters from upstairs] |
| Colonel: | Those sticky buns are for breakfast tomorrow. You guys aren't sneakin' any are ya? |
| Brad: | No. |
| Colonel: | Why not? Nobody's lookin'. [Takes a sticky bun off the tray and walks into the living room. Tim enters from the garden] |
| Tim: | Hey, Colonel. |
| Colonel: | Hey you. |
| Tim: | What are you doin'? |
| Colonel: | Watching "Patten" |
| Tim: | How 'bout puttin' that thing on "Pause" and helping me string these lights up on the roof there? |
| Colonel: | I have no interest in your battle with an eighty year old proctologist. |
| Tim: | Yeah, you're right. Guy's probably gonna win anyway. You know how tough those old Navy guys are. |
| Colonel: | Did you say "Navy"? |
| Tim: | [Grunts] Yes I did. [Walks out into the garden] |
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| On the roof |
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| [The Colonel climbs up the ladder onto the roof] |
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| Colonel: | No way we're going to let a Navy guy beat us. |
| Tim: | Alright, Colonel. With your help I think we can beat the old doctor. |
| Colonel: | Now, let me see the enemy. |
| Tim: | Watch your step. Across the street there. Red brick. White trim. He's walking on the roof there. |
| Colonel: | Well, he's got so many things up there, I can't see which one's Doc Johnson. |
| Tim: | He's the one wearing the rubber gloves. We got a lot of work to do. Alright, hand me the sheep, you plug in a pig. |
| Colonel: | [Hands a cutout sheep to Tim] There you go. |
| Tim: | Colonel, it's great to have you on my team. |
| Colonel: | Great to be back in action again. |
| Tim: | From what Jill says, you haven't been too active lately though. |
| Colonel: | Oh, here we go. Now there's another monkey in the middle. |
| Tim: | I'm not a monkey in the middle. I'm an objective third party like the African Manure tribe. |
| Colonel: | What the hell are you talkin' about? |
| Tim: | Jill says you've been spending a lot of time in the den and Lillian's not too happy about it. |
| Colonel: | Lillian doesn't understand how my life has changed. I used to command two thousand troops who worshipped the ground I walked on. Now, I spend all my time with one woman who vacuums the ground I walk on. |
| Tim: | Just cuz you retired from the Army doesn't mean you retired from life! |
| Colonel: | I'm not retired from life. |
| Tim: | Well, you're retreating from your marriage. |
| Colonel: | An Army man never retreats. |
| Tim: | Well, what are you doin' in the den all the time? |
| Colonel: | I'm watchin' the story of the greatest military hero of all times. |
| Tim: | How many scenes in the film do you see Patten in his den sittin' on his butt lookin' for his remote? |
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| The kitchen |
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| [Lillian, in her dressing gown walks to the counter and opens the drawer as the Colonel enters from the garden] |
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| Colonel: | Lillian. What are you doin' up at O-six-hundred hours? |
| Lillian: | Well, I've been up all night. Who could sleep with the two of you stomping on the roof? |
| Colonel: | Oh, it was worth it. We're going to surprise the hell out of that Navy butt doctor. |
| Lillian: | Well, you must be exhausted. You never came to bed. |
| Colonel: | Oh, I was so excited, I didn't think about the time. [We see Jill coming down the stairs - out of sight of Lillian and the Colonel] I did think of some other stuff though. Like getting off my butt, and out of the den. |
| Lillian: | Where you gonna go? The living room? [Jill ducks out of the way, unseen, as Lillian goes over to the cupboard] |
| Colonel: | No, I realise I haven't been much fun to live with since I retired. What would you think about doin' a little travellin'? Maybe goin' to Italy? [We see Jill leaning from around the back of the refrigerator - still unseen by Lillian and the Colonel] |
| Lillian: | Well, I've always wanted to go to Italy. Especially Venice. |
| Colonel: | Well, I'd like to take you. |
| Lillian: | Oh, you would, huh? |
| Colonel: | Yeah, we could, you know, see the sights, eat some pasta. Maybe go on a gondola ride. |
| Lillian: | I thought you hated boats. |
| Colonel: | A gondola is a boat? |
| Lillian: | Oh, Fred! [They smile at each other and kiss] |
| Colonel: | Merry Christmas |
| Lillian: | I don't know what happened last night, but when we get back home, maybe you'd better spend more time on the roof. [Turns and sees Jill] Jill! What are you doing there? Have you been eavesdropping on us? |
| Jill: | [Holding the coffee pot] No, I'm sleep-walking. |
| Colonel: | You make coffee when you're sleep-walking? |
| Jill: | Yes, that way it's ready when I wake up. Ooh, we should have some of these [pulls the foil off the sticky buns tray] |
| Lillian: | Oh, who got into my sticky buns? They're half gone. |
| Colonel: | Boys must've. |
| Lillian: | Oh, those little scamps. [Walks away with the sticky bun trays] |
| Jill: | Daddy, I'm so happy. Looks like we're going to have that perfect Christmas after all. |
| Colonel: | You bet. |
| Jill: | You know, I didn't think that you were listening to me, but it seems like some of what I said sunk in. |
| Colonel: | It wasn't you. It was "Hey you". |
| Jill: | Tim? |
| Colonel: | You know, if you listened to what he has to say, he's not such an idiot. |
| Tim: | [Falls from the roof all tangled up in the Christmas lights and is seen through the living room window.] Ooh, Oh, oh! Help! Colonel. I need a little help out here. Colonel. |
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| The living room |
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| [The family are all wearing their coats. Tim comes rushing in from the garden] |
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| Tim: | Come on everybody. There coming down the block. The judges are ready to look at the house. |
| Mark: | Oh, let's go see it. |
| Tim: | [Approaching Jill and Nancy who are holding the baby twins] All I'm missin' is a real baby for the manger. |
| Nancy: | He wouldn't, really? |
| Jill: | He would, but we're not going to let him. |
| Tim: | It's not like you don't have one to spare. [They all go outside to the garden] |
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| The garden |
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| [The camera is looking down at them from the roof] |
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| Lillian: | This is what you spent all night on? |
| Jill: | Well, I don't even see a manger. |
| Colonel: | And they didn't see the Allies coming into Normandy either, and you know why? |
| Lillian: | Why? |
| Tim and the Colonel: | Camauflage! |
| Tim: | Watch. [Tim presses the button on the remote control unit he is holding. A variety of cut-outs swing up from the flat roof shedding the snow which had covered them. Lights then illuminate the scene] |
| Jill: | Wow! [The family all start clapping] You know what, I still don't see a manger. |
| Tim: | Oh yeah? Watch this. [Presses another button on the remote control. A manger emerges from a hole in the roof] |
| Jill: | Wow, that is so cool. Look at this. It raises up right out... Tim did you make a hole in our roof? |
| Tim: | Oh yeah. Just a little one. I'll repair it tomo...tomorrow [It starts to snow] |
| Jill: | Oh, no! |
| Tim: | [Grunts] Uh-Oh! |
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| CREDITS |
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| ["Tool Time" set. Tim and Al are standing with a man carved out of blocks of ice] |
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| Al: | Well, you know I alway wondered what I would look like frozen. |
| Tim: | Just look in the mirror, Al. Well, actually, his belt's a little wide. Let me take a little bit out of the waist here. |
| Al: | Tim. Do not touch "Frozen Al". |
| Tim: | I know what I'm doin', Al. [A piece of ice falls to the floor] |
| Al: | Oh great. Now you've taken a chunk out of "Frozen Al". [Tim mutters something and then pushes "Frozen Al" forwards a little which results in the ice man falling over] |
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| THE END |
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