Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

Superbowl Fever

Episode No# 089
Written by:
Howard J.Morris and Rosalind Moore
Directed by:
Andy Cadiff
Transcript by:
Corrections should be sent to:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Guest Cast
Pete - Mickey Jones
Benny - Jim Labriola
Larry - Murray Rubinstein
Harry - Blake Clark
David Krieg - Himself
Kelvin Pritchett - Himself
Chris Spielman - Himself
Episode begins during an episode of "Tool Time"
[A football is thrown is from the side - Tim catches it]
Tim: Well everybody knows, Superbowl Sunday is the holiest day of the year. Come on Al, Go wide [throws the ball at Al - it bounces off Al's stomach and on to the floor. Tim picks up the ball] Nice catch.
Al: How many times do I have to tell you that that is not funny?
Tim: A couple more maybe. We all know that Superbowl Sunday is not just about throwing a ball at Al's chest, although I love doing that. It's also about stuffing your face in front of a TV.
Al: That's right. And here to tell us about that are three players from the Detroit Lions with their favorite Superbowl recipes.
Tim: That linebacker: six foot one, 240 pounds, sporting a tuna and noodle casserole, lets give a big hand for Chris Spielman.
[Chris Spielman enters carrying his casserole]
Al: And Quarterback, six-one, 200 pounds carrying a South of the Border, seven layer bean dip, David Krieg.
[David Krieg enters carrying his bean dip]
Tim: And certainly last, but not the smallest, defensive end, 280 pound, six foot four with a secret Superbowl stew, Kelvin Pritchett. Come on out Kelvin.
[Kelvin Pritchett enters carrying a huge pot of stew]
Tim: And wearing a nice throw rug I might add. You guys, it's nice you took time out to bring some recipes in. Maybe one of these years, you'll get the recipe for the Superbowl [Laughs and tries to encourage the players to also]
Chris Spielman: [Approaching Tim] What's that supposed to mean.
Tim: I don't know. Al made me say it. [backs out of the way and pushes Al into his position]
Al: I did not, I did not.
Tim: OK, Kelvin can you give the audience just an example of some of the ingredients in your super secret Superbowl stew?
[Al tastes the stew]
Kelvin Pritchett: The two main ingredients are oranges and spam.
[Al stops tasting the stew]
Tim: Well, I guess the secret is, why anyone would want to taste that combination?
[They all start to laugh - except Kelvin who looks annoyed]
Chris Spielman: Sorry Pritch.
Tim: How many does that serve, Kelvin?
Kelvin Pritchett: One.
Tim: So Chris, why don't you tell us some of the ingredients in your Tuna casserole?
Chris Spielman: Well Tim, I only use the finest, white chunk Albercore packed in fresh springwater.
Al: Well, perhaps you complement it with maybe a special sort of gourmet cheese?
Chris Spielman: Well, yes I do. The cheese in a spray can.
Tim: OK. Dave, how spicy is that bean did of yours buddy?
David Krieg: It's not too spicy at all.
[Tim tries the bean dip - which he promptly allows to fall out of his mouth owing the the spiciness]
David Krieg: Sorry, I lied. Think of it as a Quarterback sneak.
Tim: Well, joking aside guys, who's going to come out on top this Sunday?
Kelvin Pritchett: No contest, my stew by three helpings.
Chris Spielman: No way. Your stew can't handle my tuna.
David Krieg: No, no, my beans'll blow you both out of the water.
[The three players begin to brawl]
Tim: Well it's teamwork like this that guarantees the Lions will never be in the Superbowl. We'll be right back after words from Binford Tools.
[Opening credits]
Taylor House - living room
[Brad and Randy enter from the Den to find Tim fixing something on the other side of the room]
Brad: Hi Dad.
Tim: Brad
Brad: Uh-oh! A ladder, exposed wires and Dad.
Randy: No good can come from this.
Tim: I'm just hooking up my Surround Sound speakers for my Superbowl party.
Brad: We get to go to Jeremy's and watch it on his new 70 inch big screen
Tim: Big deal. You're missing some great food. Larry's bringing a three cheese pizza, Harry's bringing those big sausages and Pete's bringing nachos with extra cream cheese. O, O, O, O, Oh.
Randy: Who's bringing the cardiologist?
[Mark runs in from upstairs]
Mark: Dad, Dad. You better come and see Mom. She doesn't look so good.
Tim: Well then why would I want to go see her?
Mark: Because she's moaning real loud and calling your name.
Tim: That's always been a dream of mine.
[Tim heads off to see Jill]
Tim and Jill's bedroom
[Jill is in bed with a thermometer in her mouth. Tim walks in]
Tim: Honey!
Jill: [Almost unintelligibly due to the thermometer] Tim I think I'm dying.
Tim: Jill, I can't hubberbatterpadudab.
Jill: Oh my God. It's a hundred and three.
Tim: Ooh!
Jill: I just threw up last night's lasagne. Boy that tastes bad coming up.
Tim: Didn't taste all that good going down.
Jill: Thanks a lot. Honey, I know how important this Superbowl party thing is to you, but, I'm really going to need you to take care me today
Tim: OK. Erm. Just use the intercom, and I'll come up here in the commercials.
Jill: Let me rephrase that. I don't want you to have the party today.
Tim: I've been planning this for a long time. It's a tradition, honey.
Jill: You never had one before.
Tim: Well, traditions start someplace.
Jill: Tim, I have a temperature of a hundred and three.
Tim: Psht, according to a thermometer!
Jill: Look, I'm burning up. I feel horrible. I don't want a bunch of guys over here making noise.
Tim: Look, I'll take care of you.
Jill: You're not going to take care of me. You're going to be down there the whole time. I'll never even see you.
Tim: Oh, come on. I'll show you. I'll keep those guys so quiet you won't even know they're here. Please, please, please.
Jill: Oh, have your stupid party.
Tim: Thanks [Kisses Jill on the head] Phew, you are hot. [Tim leaves]
Living Room
[Tim is putting bowls of snacks out on the table. The doorbell rings. Tim runs over and anwers it, letting in the guys: Pete, Harry, Larry, Benny and Al who come in very noisily.]
Pete: It's going to be a great game. Those '9ers are going to get bupped!
Tim: Oh, yeah. Come on in. You gotta keep it down there guys.
Benny: Good idea. Save out tootin' for the game.
Tim: Well I was thinking, maybe this time we could keep our tootin' to ourselves.
Al: What are you talking about?
Tim: Well, maybe when there's a big play, we all act like Mimes.
Al: You know, I love mimes. Especially when they get caught in that box. [Al starts to mime as if he's stuck in an invisible box]
Tim: Al, stay in the box will ya.
Jill: [Plaintiffly, over the intercom] Tim! I think I'm going to throw up.
Al: Is Jill sick?
Tim: No she just doesn't like mime.
Al: You're having us over for a party when Jill's upstairs sick? Is she OK with that? I mean that's not very considerate.
Benny: Yeah, you're right. How we supposed to have a good time if we can't make any noise?
Larry: Yeah, why didn't you call us? We could've all gone over to Harry's.
Tim: No we couldn't. She wouldn't let me go.
Pete: So, because of you [Starts to make Mime in a box gestures] we all have to mime our way through the Superbowl?
Tim: It's not that bad a deal. Come on! We got lots of good food, we're all together, it's gonna be a great game, we gonna have a lot of fun, alright.
Pete: Yeah, but Tim, what about the Surround Sound you promised us?
Tim: You want real Surround Sound? Just sit between these two guys [gestures to Larry and Benny] after a couple of sausages!
Living Room - during the Superbowl
[The guys are all sat around the coffee table, shich is laden with snacks, and are cheering on the game. Something happens in the game which gives rise to a lot more noise from the guys.]
Jill: [Over the Intercom] Tim! Hey, Tim! It's getting really noisy down there!
Tim: Yeah, oh, uh, alright yeah. Guys, I told you, ya gotta keep it down. Please.
Pete: Wait Tim, he just broke three tackles! We're very excited.
Tim: OK! When you get excited now, do this [Tim mimes a cheering gesture].
Al: I feel very uncomfortable having a party while Jill's upstairs with the stomach flu.
Harry: Yeah, I'm sick about it myself. Toss me another sausage will ya. [A sausage in a bun is passed to Harry]
Al: Oh. now come on. With your heart condition, wouldn't you rather have some of my raw vegetable medley? It's very good with this non-fat dip.
Harry: Yeah, that's all I want is a little dip on my big dip [Dips the end of the sausage into Al's dip]
Al: Come on Harry. Larry, would you talk some sense into him, you're a doctor.
Larry: I'm a neurosurgeon. As long as he doesn't put the sausage on his head, I don't care.
Jill's bedroom
[Jill is lying in bed, watching the television. We hear the sounds of Lara's Theme from Dr. Zhivago. Tim enters carrying a plate of jello]
Tim: What are you watching? [Looks at the TV] Oh, it's Dr. Winnebago isn't it.
Jill: Zhivago.
Tim: Look what I made for ya. Jello with extra wobble. [Wobbles the jello near Jill's face]
Jill: I'm too wuzzy for wobbling.
Tim: You just womitted didn't ya? [Jill nods] This'll help settle your stomach.
Jill: I can't, I can't eat
Tim: You gotta eat something. Well, I get credit for trying. If you need anything else, just holler. [Heads for the door]
Jill: Would you gimme a back rub?
Tim: A what rub? Yeah, I always have time to give my wife a back rub. Hold on a minute. [Goes over to the intercom] Yo, anybody!
Pete: Yo, Tim.
Tim: Yeah, how much time have I got?
Pete: Fifteen to ten seconds.
Tim: Gotcha. [Tim sprints over to the bed where Jill is giving him a less than happy look.]
Jill: You said even though you're having those guys over, you'd still take care of me.
Tim: I am taking care of you. [Starts to rub Jill's back]
Jill: Oh, that's good. You have such great hands.
One of the guys: [From downstairs] OH, NO!
Benny: He coughed it up!
[Tim drops Jill and runs to the door]
Jill: Tim, where are you going?
Tim: Somebody coughed something up downstairs. [Disappears off downstairs]
Jill: [Pathetically] Tim! Tim!
Tim: [Reappears in the doorway] Could be Harry. Could be Harry. He might be having another heart attack.
Harry: [From downstairs] Alright. He recovered.
Tim: Ah, it's OK. Thank God Harry's alright. Talk to you later. [disappears again]
Living Room
[The guys are all cheering at the game as Tim arrives from upstairs]
Tim: What did I miss?
Pete: Oh, a fumble, but then only the catch of the year, Tim.
Tim: Oh, man!
Larry: There were on the 20 yard line and driving.
Harry: Hey, hey, Tim. Come on. Can we put on the Surround Sound?
Benny: Yeah.
Tim: No, no. Quiet please. I told you about my wife. Please. Come on, guys.
Jill: [Over the intercom] Tim? Tim, can you bring me some more tissues?
Tim: Why can't she blow her nose on the top sheet like everybody else does? [Leaves and heads off upstairs]
[The guys all get loud again while the play livens up]
Larry: Hey, Benny. Turn on the Surround Sound just for the touch down.
[Benny gets up to turn on the Surround Sound]
Al: Not too loud.
Benny: This the button? [Presses the button]
[There is a blinding flash as the system explodes]
Tim: Hey, Benny!
Benny: Let me guess. You hooked it up yourself?
Pete: Tim, we need a TV!
Harry: Hey, hey, hey. There's got to be one upstairs.
Larry: Let's go.
[Harry, Larry, Benny and Pete all rush off towards the stairs]
Tim: Wait, wait, wait. [The guys all stop] I can fix this.
The Guys: Right. [The guys all run off upstairs]
Jill's Bedroom
[Jill is lying on top of the bed, watching TV. The four guys: Pete, Harry, Larry and Benny all run into the room]
Pete: Jill, sorry to inconvenience you. [Jill starts to hide under the bed covers] We're at a critical juncture in the game. Could we just use your remote?
Al: [Enters] Hey, come on you guys. Listen. Jill we're.. . Would you.. . , [Looks at the TV screen] Oh now wait a minute. This is where Omar Shariff proposes.
Larry: Give me that. [Grabs the remote control from Al and switches channel]
Harry: Change the channel.
Tim: [Enters] Get out, out out.
Benny: They're about to score.
[A bit of argument ensues]
Jill: [From under the bedsheets] Tim.
Tim: Yes, Honey.
Jill: Could I please speak to you under here.
Tim: Guys, after this we're getting out of here. [Climbs onto the bed and under the covers] Hi honey.
Jill: Why are these men in my bedroom?
Tim: They didn't want to miss the touch down.
Jill: Why don't they watch it downstairs?
Tim: That's a funny story.
Jill: I don't want to hear a funny story. You told me that if they came over here, I wouldn't have to see them.
Tim: Can you see them?
Jill: [Exhales]
Pete: Touchdown!!!
Tim: [Getting up from the bed] I missed the touchdown. I've missed everything. After the replay, we're getting out of here Jill. After this, we're out of here, right.
[While Tim is talking, Benny goes over to the bed and peers under the sheets where Jill is still in hiding.]
Benny: Hey, Jill. Would you like some hot sausage? [Jill looks at the sausage in horror] It'll sweat the fever right out of you.
[Jill gets up from the bed, and runs from the room, hiding behind a pillow]
Tim: Jill, stay there. We're going to get everybody out of here. Honey. Honey! Honey!
[Commercial break]
The Living Room
[Jill comes in from upstairs followed by Tim]
Jill: Why didn't you just cancel the party? Why couldn't you just take care of me? Why do you always do things like this?
Tim: You ask interesting questions, Honey. What are your theories?
Jill: That you are an idiot. And I'm a bigger idiot for letting you talk me into this stuff.
Tim: This isn't all my fault. The only reason those guys went upstairs is cuz the TV exploded. What are the chances of that happening?
Jill: In this house?
Tim: I had everything under control down here.
Jill: But you're so selfish. You only want to take care of me when it doesn't interfere with your schedule. [Jill climbs onto the couch and pulls a blanket over herself, at which point she sees the mess the guys have made on the coffee table.] Oh, God!
Tim: That's not true.
Jill: Yes it is true! Well how about when you went to that hardware convention, and I had laryngitis?
Tim: You never said anything.
Jill: Well, what about when I had my wisdom teeth out?
Tim: I took care of you a hundred percent.
Jill: You did not. Brad emptied my spit bucket. Randy changed the gauze. Mark mashed my food. What exactly did you do?
Tim: Someone had to get the TV guide.
Jill: You're so pathetic. You know, you take better care of your car than you do of me.
Tim: Taking care of the car is like taking care of you. What if you were so sick I had to drive you to the hospital?
Jill: I am sick. And you know what. I think that you resent me for that. You do.
Tim: I don't resent you for that, I just kind of wonder why you got sick on Superbowl Sunday. [Jill gives Tim a filthy look]
Tim and Jill's bedroom
[Larry, Pete, Benny, Harry and Al are all still watching the Superbowl on the TV. There is much cheering]
Al: Alright, come on guys. We told Jill we'd go after the first touch down. Come on.
Benny: We can't go now, it's just getting exciting.
Tim: [Tim enters the room] No, you gotta go now. Come on.
Al: Yeah!
Tim: Come on. Cuz Jill's gotta get back in bed here guys.
Benny: Alright. She can have the bed, but we get the TV.
Tim: This is not a hostage situation. Come on guys.
Larry: I know, we'll take the TV and set it up downstairs.
Tim: Ah, no you won't take it. Come on. She wants to watch the rest of Dr. Lumbago.
Al: Zhivago, Dr. Zhivago!
Tim: I got another TV [Tim takes a tiny portable TV out of the one of the drawers] we'll watch this down in the Den, alright.
Harry: Wait a minute. Are you nuts. You don't expect us to watch the biggest game of the year on the world's smallest TV do ya?
Tim: I'll have you know the reception in here is great. Look at this. [Holds up the miniature TV] Eh, eh! Look at that pass. Look at that.
Benny: Unbelievable, he must've thrown the ball a quarter of an inch.
Larry: Oh, alright, that's the end of the half. What d'ya say we all go over to Big Mike's and watch the rest of the game over there?
Tim: You can't go over there! [The guys all file out of the bedroom, except Al] Hey. Come on Pete, Benny, Larry, Harry, you're not going to leave me here alone are ya?
Al: Listen, I'll stay.
Tim: [Gives Al a sideways glance] Na, go ahead.
Living Room
[We see Tim, well his nose mainly, through a magnifying glass through which he is watching the miniature TV. The camera pans back.]
Tim: Go, go, go. TOUCH DOWN!!! Who needs a big screen TV, huh? Three-fifty I got... I just need some batteries. Oh come on. Not now! [Puts down the magnifying glass] Come on. Please, please, please. [Gets up and heads out into the garden]
Wilson's back yard
[Wilson is stirring a pot of something over a stove on his bench. Tim comes out of the living room door and calls out]
Tim: Hey, yo Wilson. Have you got any batteries?
Wilson: Yo. Why I certainly do Tim. I've got C's, D's, I've got 9 Volts, I have one made out of a potato.
Tim: Regular or alkaline?
Wilson: Idaho.
Tim: I need some double A's. Four of 'em.
Wilson: Oh, Tim I'm so sorry. I'm all out of those.
Tim: GREAT. Perfect day. All I wanted to do today was do what every other guy's doing on this Sunday. Watch the Superbowl.
Wilson: Oh, is that today?
Tim: Yes, it's today. And Jill's all bent out of shape, kicked my friends out of the house, had some guys over to watch the Superbowl, she didn't like it cuz she's got the flu.
Wilson: Mm. You know I've got a touch of that myself, Tim. That's why I'm boiling up some bees.
Tim: Yeah. What? I swear just I heard you say you were boiling up some bees.
Wilson: Well, you know I did, see you steep the bees for forty-five minutes in boiling water, and then you drink the liquid. It's an ancient Chinese remedy for nausea.
Tim: Sounds like an ancient Chinese cause of nausea.
Wilson: Oh, no, no, no. no, Tim. It makes a very delightful bee tea. The best part is, you don't have to add honey. [Wilson sniggers at his own joke]
Tim: Maybe I should whip so of it up for Jill. She doesn't think I take care of her very well.
Wilson: Hmm. Well Tim, it's not uncommon for men to have difficulty being nurturers.
Tim: Yeah, tell me about it. When I was seven years old a little sparrow fell out of a tree in our back yard and I tried to make it feel better and I stroked its little head for four hours, you know.
Wilson: Oh, what happened?
Tim: I think I patted too hard. One of the eyes popped right out. I don't know? But I buried it in a nice shoe box.
Wilson: Well, at least you made the effort, Tim.
Tim: Yeah. Do you have any extra bees?
Wilson: Why, I surely do. See I always buy them in bulk.
Tim: I'll pay for any that I use, OK?
Wilson: Oh don't worry about that, Tim. Just consider these freebees. [Wilson hands a pot of bees over the fence to Tim, who walks off into the house]
The bedroom
[Jill is in bed. Tim walks in carrying a cup of tea and a stack of video tapes]
Tim: Feeling better?
Jill: No.
Tim: You'll feel better when you see what I got ya.
Jill: What did you get me?
Tim: Well, going along with your doctor theme, I got Doctor No [holds up a video tape], let's see [looks at the next tape], Doctor Doolittle, Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde, Dr. Naughty and the Night Nurses - oops. But I also spent an hour making this special tea. It's supposed to cure nausia. I think you'll love it. [Hands the tea to Jill] It's real hot. Be careful. Be careful.
Jill: Does it have caffeine in it?
Tim: No.
Jill: Good, cuz I don't want to get a buzz.
Tim: Well, you might get a buzz. You might even get hives. That tea is made out of boiled bees. [Jill spits out the tea]
Tim: No, come on. No, it's an ancient...
Jill: Please!
Tim: It's an ancient Chinese remedy for nausia. Wilson gave it to me. It's not easy working with bees, let me tell ya. Look at that. [Shows Jill his left forearm which is covered with bee stings.] Some of those bees were still alive.
Jill: Oh, Tim. Is this your idea of taking care of me?
Tim: Well, it's better than rubbing your head for four hours and ending up dead in a shoe box.
Jill: Tim. All I want is for you to be attentive and comfort me. Why is that so hard for you?
Tim: I don't know. I feel so useless when you're sick. When something's broken, I like to take it apart and fix it, and I can't do that with you.
Jill: You'd probably put me back together wrong.
Tim: Maybe. You'd probably end up with an eye down there by your knee. A nose in your eye. Then you could smell what you were looking at. I can work on being more attentive. How's that back? [Starts giving Jill a back rub]
Jill: It's aching.
Tim: You got a lot of knots back there.
Jill: Oh, that feels good.
[The telephone rings]
Tim: Oh boy. [Tim answers the telephone] Hello. ... I can barely hear ya. ... Hi Benny ... They won? I didn't even see it. That's great ... Yeah ... Big Mike's Superbowl party, uh. ... Best one you've ever been to, uh. ... No, I'm staying here. I'm nurturing my wife. I'm real happy. ... Thanks. Bye. [Puts the phone down]
Jill: Thank you honey.
Tim: Yeah. [Carries on with the back rub] Best party they ever had. I'm real happy. [Jill starts to look very uncomfortable as Tim overdoes the rubbing]
Jill: Honey, that's too hard.
[Jill is at the stove, serving some food onto a plate. Brad and Rany come runing in from upstairs]
Brad: Hi Mom.
Jill: Hi.
Brad: [On seeing the food] Uh oh! Food, a pot and Mom.
Randy: No good can come from this.
Jill: Well, in that case, you can get your own breakfast.
Brad: Alright. Cookies and ice cream. [He and Randy turn to the refrigerator]
Jill: In your dreams.
[Mark comes running into the kitchen from upstairs]
Mark: Mom! You better come and see Dad. He doesn't look so good.
Jill: Then why would I want to see him?
The Bedroom
[Tim is in bed with a thermometer in his mouth. Jill walks in]
Tim: [His words muffled by the thermometer] Jill, I think I'm dying.
Jill: Tim, I can't understand a word you said. [looks at the thermometer] Oh my God. Ninety-nine point one! We're gonna have to ice you down.
[Outtakes: Bedroom scene]
Tim: I like fixing things. Taking things apart, you know and I can't do that with you, and fix you and... [laughs]
[Beep. Cut to bedroom scene]
Jill: All I want is for you to be attentive and [turns to audience] Shut up! I'm trying to work here. Aaagh!
[Beep. Cut.]
Jill: All I want is for you to be attentive and comfort me. [Tim sits down on the bed, trying to stifle a laugh] Why is that so... [Loses it and hits Tim on the back]

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