Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

Quibbling Siblings

Episode No# 082
Written by:
Paul Wolff
Directed by:
Andy Cadiff
Transcript by:
Corrections should be sent to:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Guest Cast
Heidi - Debbe Dunning
["Tool Time" set]
Al: Alright, our next gadget here on gadget corner is a car safety device known as the "Snooze No More"
Tim: That's right. Stick this little bad boy under here like this [puts the device behind his right ear], adjust it for your level, and when you're driving, you won't go to sleep. [Tim tips his head forward and the Snooze No More beeps, causing Tim to look up smartly.] It's also good when Aunt Agnes stops by to talk about her kidney stone operation. Was it painful? [Tips head forward - beep] Did you save any of the stones? [Tips head forward - beep!]
Al: Alright, next up on our -
Tim: We could get that video tape there, we can watch the operation backwards, huh, they put it back in [Tips head forward - beep!]
Al: Alright, I'm sure you'll like our next gadget. [Tim repeatedly tips his head forward whilst Al is talking, making the Snooze No More beep on and off.]
[Tim removes the Snooze No More and cannot switch it off - Al takes it from Tim and turns it off, putting it is his back pocket.]
Al: Alright, our next gadget here [The Snooze No More beeps in Al's pocket] on gadget corner [Al throws the device onto the floor where it breaks and the noise fades away]
Tim: Alright, let's say your boots are sopping wet from a rainstorm at the job site. Come home, what are you going to do?
Al: You go to Binford's electric boot dryer.
Tim: Let's show you how it works. Heidi, the wet boots please.
[Enter Heidi pushing a trolley with a large zinc tub on it]
Tim: These boots have been sitting in a scalding hot water brine solution for two days. [Lifts a pair of boot out of the water filled tub] Woo-oo these babies are wet!
Al: Tim, where'd you get those boots?
Tim: Out of your locker.
[Tim places the boots onto the Binford electric boot dryer]
Al: Those are my dress work-boots.
Tim: Ah, a word to the wise, Al. Always lock your locker on gadget day. But don't worry. In one minute, they'll be dry as a bone.
Al: I don't think so. Binford's electric boot dryer takes overnight to work.
Tim: before I gave it a 5000 Watt boost - watch this [Turns up the power]
[Smoke begins to emerge from the boots]
Al: My boots are smoking!
Tim: That's probably because they're on fire. Put'em in the water - quick.
[Al grabs the boots and plunges them into the tub of water again.]
Al: Ah, well now they're all wet again. Ah, jeez.
Tim: Now it's time to use the boot dryer again.
[Al takes the boots and goes over to the boot dryer]
Tim: This could be a very long show at this rate.
[Opening credits]
Taylor house - the kitchen
[Tim is shaking and tossing a couple of spice jars and shaking them over a tray of meat on the counter]
Brad: Hey, good job Dad
Tim: Thank you, son [Still shaking the spices]
[Jill enters from the garage]
Jill: Timmy-hana!
[Tim throws the two jars up and over his head. Jill and Brad each catch one of them]
Jill: Hello.
Tim: How's school?
Jill: Oh it was great. I got my first A. [Holds up a paper]
Brad: Cool.
Tim: Congratulations. That goes on the refrigerator [Takes paper from Jill].
Jill: No, no, Tim. This is the paper on abnormal sexuality.
Tim: Put it up in the bedroom.
Jill: We don't need it. Not only did I get a an A, I got the highest grade in the class . Every really is mad at me cuz I wrecked the curve. I love school. [turns and start to walk out towards the stairs.]
Tim: I'm really proud of you. Your first A. I'm still waiting for mine.
[Telephone rings]
Brad: I'll get it. [answers telephone] Hello. Oh, Hi Al. Er yeah, he's right here. [Hands the phone to Tim] Try not to tie up the line. I'm waiting for a call.
Tim: I own the line. Hi Al, what's up?... Really?... Oh, that's too bad Al, it really is. I know how much the guy meant to you. ... Wow, that's weird. That really is weird. ... No, don't worry about tomorrow. I got it covered. ... Yeah, I can do it myself. ... OK, take as much time as you want. Thanks. Bye.
Jill: What happened?
Tim: Al's favorite Bingo caller died.
Jill: No
Tim: Al said his last words were "B11 and G, I think I'm having a heart attack!".
Jill: Oh, that's awful!
Tim: Yeah, worse than that, Al was one away from Bingo.
Brad: Dad, since Al's not going to be there tomorrow, do you think maybe I could be your assistant?
Tim: You mean you take Al's place?
Brad: Yeah, I know a lot about tools and I can say "I don't think so Tim" [gives the "Tool Time" salute.]
Tim: What about school?
Brad: I'd only miss a couple of classes.
Tim: It's in the afternoon. Would you miss the important ones, like Shop?
Brad: No, just History and Math.
Tim: In that case, alright.
[Later on in the Taylor family living room. Randy is listening to music through headphones. Time and Brad enter the kitchen from the garage.]
Tim: Ok, the first thing is, Heidi introduces us, then we tell 'em it's craft week and then we begin the project.
Brad: But best part is I get to use a scroll saw all by myself.
Tim: No, no, no the best part is I get to work side by side with my oldest boy. Tool-Dad Tool-Son.
Tim and Brad: Arr, arr, arr, arr, arrr!
[Loud music suddenly from the living room]
Tim: Hey, hey, hey. Could you please turn that junk down?
Randy: [turns off the music] It's not junk, it's Heavy Metal.
Tim: It sounds like they banging their heads on their guitars while they're getting their teeth drilled.
Randy: Hey, cool - you saw the video.
Brad: Randy, stop bothering us. We're trying to prepare for tomorrow's "Tool Time".
Randy: What do you mean, We?
Tim: Al's not going to be there.
Brad: So I'm going to be Dad's new assistant.
Tim: Right.
Randy: You?
Brad: Yeah, and not only that, I get to hang out with Heidi. I'll probably get her phone number.
Tim: Back the hormones up! I don't want to have to bring the fire department in to hose you down.
Randy: No big deal for them. They're usually there anyway.
[Randy moves swiftly away pursued by Tim]
Randy's bedroom
[Mark jumps from Randy's bed and shoots a basket as Randy enters.]
Randy: Hey! Quit playing with my basketball.
Mark: Why? You're not.
Randy: Well, I am now. [takes the ball from Mark]
Mark: So, did you hear Brad's going to be on "Tool Time"?
Randy: Yeah, they're doing a salute to Dufus's. [Shoots a basket with the recently acquired ball.] Who'd want to be on that stupid show anyway?
Mark: Well, I would.
Randy: Forget about it. The only one who'll ever get to be on that show is Brad. Dad picks him to do everything.
Mark: Dad does a lot of things with me too.
Randy: Oh, Shut up!
Mark: I don't know. I think Dad'll let me be on "Tool Time" some day.
Randy: Yeah, well don't hold your breath. [pause] on second thoughts: Hold your breath!
"Tool Time" set - behind the scenes
[Brad is standing in front of a mirror practicing his lines]
Brad: We'll be using a number 9 medium tooth blade in our scroll saw. Oh man, I'm going to be awesome.
[Heidi enters]
Heidi: Hi Brad.
Brad: Hi Hodey- Ho Heidi, - I mean Hi Heidi
Heidi: You a little nervous about being on "Tool Time"?
Brad: Um, "Tool Time"? Oh, er yeah, that's it.
Heidi: There's a little trick I use to calm myself down before a show. I just picture everyone in their underwear.
Brad: I don't think that's going to work.
Heidi: You'll be fine.
[Heidi leaves and passes Tim entering]
Tim: Almost ready to go Heidi?
Heidi: Yeah.
Tim: [To Brad] A little nervous? Here's a little trick I use to calm myself down. Just picture everybody naked. [Brad looks very worried]
"Tool Time" set
Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: Tool Time!
Heidi: That's right. Now here he is. The star of the show, Tim "The Toolman" Taylor.
Tim: Thank you Heidi. Thank you everybody. Welcome to "Tool Time". I am Tim "The Toolman" Taylor, and we have a special treat for you today. Al's not here.
[Camera looks at the audience, and we see a man getting up from his seat and moving towards the exit]
Tim: Hey, pal! Sit back down! I got a special guest assistant for ya! I want you to give a warm "Tool Time" welcome to my oldest boy, Brad "The Toolboy" Taylor.
[Audience applaud as Brad enters the set]
Brad: Hi everyone.
Tim: Well it's craft week here on "Tool Time" and we're doing our salute [they both salute] to scroll saws. That's right, we're going to show you how to use the Binford 6100 scroll saw. Now Brad, why don't you tell us what a scroll saw can do.
Brad: It's used for cutting out intricate patterns in wood.
Tim: That's right. It can also cut out intricate patterns in coat-racks, hat-racks, pipe-racks or Tyrannosaurus-rex. [Holds up a picture of a Tyrannosaurus-rex] What manly design are you cutting out today?
Brad: A heart for my girfriend Ashley.
Tim: You can't get much more manly than that.
Brad: Now, I've already traced my design onto a piece of three quarter inch clear pine
Tim: Heidi, the clear pine please.
[Heidi brings the wood onto the set and hands it to Brad]
Heidi: Here you go, Brad.
Brad: Hank you, Theidi. - I mean Thank you, Heidi.
[Long pause whilst Brad watches Heidi leave the set]
Tim: Could we?
Brad: Sorry Dad.
Tim: Goggles. [points towards the safety goggles]
Brad: Now, we'll be using a number nine medium tooth blade in our scroll saw.
Tim: Right. Welcome folks, to the scroll saw Grand Prix, starring champion driver Brad Taylor. [Brad starts to cut the wood using the scroll saw] He's in pole position at his first cut. Notice how he keeps his fingers away from the blade on the advice of his crew chief, three fingers Morgan. A lousy crew chief, but a great bowler [Tim gestures the act of bowling a ten-pin ball - using only three fingers] Round the next corner, there's no-one even near him. Can he hold the race till the end? We don't know! What's up! The finish line. The chequered flag!
[Brad holds up a heart shaped from the wood]
Tim: Well done.
Brad: Thanks Dad.
Tim: You know watching that amazing piece of scrolling, I think I'll make your Mom a heart instead of a pipe rack.
Brad: Well, aren't you going to trace your design first.
Tim: Son. When you've been scrolling as long as I have, you don't need to waste time tracing. I want you to be my commentator.
Brad: Right. Welcome to the scroll saw 500. [Tim starts to cut using the scroll saw] Tim Taylor's at the wheel. Uh-oh, all the other scrollers are leaving the track. They're afraid for their lives. Now the race is up to Tim Taylor. All he has to do is finish the heart and the victory is his. Now, let me tell you. I bet my Dad is going to make a great looking heart. At the finish line - is it great? [Tim holds up his handywork] Er Dad. That doesn't look like a heart. It looks more like a kidney.
Tim: Well, yes it does. A heart says "I love you", but a kidney says "I gotta go".
Brad: Well guess what. And so do we. We'll be right back after these words from Binford.
Taylor house - living room
[Close up of the television showing a replay of the "Tool Time" episode with Brad as co-host]
Tim: Well, that's our show, and I want to thank our special guest Brad Taylor who filled Al's toolbelt admirably, with a few notches left over, I might add.
Heidi: [Enters] Well, goodbye everybody.
Brad: [Waving] Nee you sex time! [Reactions from most of the family in the living room are shown] See you next time!
Tim: Bye folks. [Theme music from the show]
[Back away from the television]
Jill: Brad, you were wonderful. I am so sorry I had that test and I couldn't be there.
Mark: Yeah, you were really good.
Tim: Hey, you had the audience eating out of the palm of your hand. One of these days you'll have your own star on the "Tool Time" walk of fame. Right near mine, and way ahead of Al's.
[The telephone rings]
Randy: I'll get it.
Brad: Hey, don't bother. I'm sure it's for me. It's probably Heidi.
Randy: Yeah, she just want to know what time she should come over to babysit you.
Brad: You're just jealous. [Pushes Randy, and answers the telephone] Hello. Hi Ashley. ... Oh, you loved the show.
Randy: [into the phone] Not as much as Brad loves Heidi.
Brad: I'm going to pound you, you little punk. ... No, um not you Ashley.
Randy: [Singing] Brad and Heidi, sitting in a tree, K. I. S. S.-
Brad: Could I call you right back? [Brad chases Randy away across the kitchen.]
Tim: Hey, hey, hey. Let it go. Come on.
Jill: Just go call Ashley upstairs from our room. [Brad leaves]
Tim: [To Randy] What are you doing?
Randy: Me? He's the one doing all the shoving.
Tim: Cuz you're acting like a jerk
Jill: Tim, Tim. Randy, what's going on?
Randy: Nothing.
Tim: This is a big deal for Brad. Instead of ragging on him, you should be happy for him.
Randy: You know, you're right Dad. Why don't I just throw him a parade. His head's so big, he could be a float. [Leaves the living room and goes into the garden.]
[Commercial Break]
The Taylor house kitchen
[Tim and Jill enter from the garage]
Jill: So, what do you think is going on with Randy?
Tim: There's nothing going on. He's just being Mr. Obnoxious.
Jill: Maybe he's reacting to his equally obnoxious brother Mr. Hot for Heidi.
Tim: You know, she's a master electrician.
Jill: Yeah, right.
Tim: What we have here, Honey, is a simple case of sibling rivalry.
Jill: Exactly.
Tim: Which just proves, Miss straight A student, that I might know just as much psychology as you do.
Jill: Oh really, What causes sibling rivalry?
Tim: Having more than one kid!
Jill: Its the competition between siblings to get the love and attention of their parents.
Tim: So, Randy's acting like this to get our attention.
Jill: No, I think he's acting like this to get your attention.
Tim: Why does he just want my attention?
Jill: Because you took Brad on "Tool Time".
Tim: Oo o o o o o o o, this is classic Freud. Transferring blame to the tool show host.
Jill: Look all I am saying is that I think Randy is feeling a little left out.
Tim: Why, he wouldn't want to go on "Tool Time" anyway, he doesn't like tools.
Jill: This goes way beyond "Tool Time". You spend more time with Brad.
Tim: No I don't.
Jill: Yes you do. You're always working on the Hot Rod together, you're always talking about what Brad's first car should be.
Tim: He'll be the first one to drive. He's the oldest.
Jill: Exactly my point. Randy is a middle child just like I was.
Tim: We're not going through this middle child thing again. Please.
Jill: It was very traumatic. I was constantly overlooked.
Tim: I know, and whenever you went to the zoo, you never got the see the animals you wanted to see.
Jill: Robin got to see the monkeys, Katie got to see the zebras.
Tim: I've heard this story over, and over, and over [walks out into the garden]
Jill: All I wanted to do was see the wallabies.
The Garden
[Tim is raking leaves, Randy emerges through the bushes]
Tim: Hey Randy, I was looking for you.
Randy: Well you found me. See ya.
Tim: Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. I got an idea. How'd ya like to be on "Tool Time" with me next week?
Randy: Why, is Brad holding out for more money?
Tim: This has nothing to do with Brad. It'll be fun. We could do a project together.
Randy: No thanks. [walks off]
Tim: Heidi'll be there. [pause] She's a master electrician.
Wilson: That you Tim?
Tim: Hi Wilson.
Wilson: Neighbor, have you seen my fuzzy woollybear?
Tim: No, and I'd like to keep it that way.
Wilson: No, Tim the fuzzy woollybear I was referring to is a type of caterpiller. Oh there you are little feller.
Tim: Just one question, Wilson. Pet or dinner?
Wilson: He's a weather forecaster, Tim. You see, by measuring the width of the stripe on the caterpiller's back, I can tell you how long and how cold the winter's going to be.
Tim: I wish I had a caterpiller to tell me what to do about Randy. He's upset because he thinks I favor Brad.
Wilson: Well do you feel that's true?
Tim: No. I do things with both of the guys, you know. Brad and I like to go to sporting events, work on the Hot Rod and build stuff with my tools. Randy and I joke. I make jokes, he makes jokes, we make jokes. The jokes go back and forth. He jokes, I joke, there's a lot of jokes going on.
Wilson: Sounds like you share your jocularity.
Tim: No he couldn't fit into mine. The truth is, Wilson, I'm not that interested in the things Randy does. Playing with his computer. Listening to heavy metal music, reading books without the word illustrated on the cover.
Wilson: Sounds to me that it's just more difficult for you to connect with Randy.
Tim: I guess so.
Wilson: Well, Tim, I'm reminded of what the Chinese philosopher Chuang Tse said. You cannot speak of the ocean to a well frog, you cannot speak of ice to a summer insect.
Tim: And you can't speak Chinese to a Tool Man. What are you talking about?
Wilson: Well, all I am saying is if Randy is feeling overlooked, maybe you have to try a little harder to find a way into his world.
Tim: Yeah, gotta get into his world, [Tim makes some grunting noises by way of acknowledgement]
The Study
[Jill is working on the computer. Brad rushes in from upstairs and is about to go out of the front door.]
Brad: See you Mom.
Jill: Hey, wait, wait, wait. Where are you going?
Brad: To the Mall. I'm just going to meet a lot of my friends. They're probably just going to tell me how great I am.
Jill: Brad, Brad wait a minute. Come back, I want to talk to you.
Brad: What?
Jill: I know that you were a guest star on a low rated cable show for a half an hour, but don't you think that you're getting a little puffed up with yourself?
Brad: Well, I mean I can't help it if everybody loved me.
Jill: I don't think that Randy loved you so much.
Brad: Mom, come on. I mean Randy was a total jerk. He made fun of everything I did.
Jill: Well that's because you got to be on TV and he didn't.
Brad: So you're saying Randy's jealous of me.
Jill: Yeah, a little.
Brad: Cool!
Jill: Brad, I want you to think about this. How do you feel when Randy comes home with a really great report card and waves that around under your face?
Brad: Not so cool.
Jill: Yeah. And see this is kinda harder for Randy cuz he's a middle child just like I was.
Brad: Oh Mom, Mom, please. Not the wallaby story. [gets up and leaves through the front door.]
Jill: We went to the zoo every year, Robin got to see the monkeys, [Tim enters from the garden] Katie got to see the zebras.
Tim: Oh no, no! [Tim leaves towards the Den]
Randy's bedroom
[Randy is sat at his computer. There's a knock at the door. Tim enters]
Tim: Hey, Randy. How are things in your world?
Randy: What?
Tim: What are you doing?
Randy: Just finishing up some biology homework.
Tim: Need any help?
Randy: No.
Tim: Good. [Sits down next to Randy] I came up here to talk about what's going on.
Randy: Nothing's going on.
Tim: Randy, somethings going on, and I'm pretty sure it's my fault.
Randy: What do you mean?
Tim: Well this ancient Chinese ice-cream salesman, Yung Su, found that frozen frogs and wet insects couldn't talk cuz they were colder'n one another.
Randy: Sure thing Dad.
Tim: What I'm trying to say is that if it seems that I spend more time with Brad than you, it's because we share similar interests. I wish I was interested in the same things you are, but just cuz I'm not, doesn't mean I love you any less. Do you understand that?
Randy: Yeah, I guess.
Tim: You know, of all the boys, I figure you and I are the most alike.
Randy: Oh, come on Dad. I mean you and Brad are the most alike.
Tim: No, no. We share similar interests, but you and I have similar personalities. If a guy's walking down the street with his fly down. If I can't come up with a joke, I know you'll back me up.
Randy: Well, I mean you gotta make the fly joke.
Tim: That's right. You gotta make the fly joke. Hey pal! You know you fly's down?
Randy: It's cheaper than air conditioning. Hey buddy! You know your fly's down?
Tim: No, but I know "Fly Me to the Moon". [They slap each other's hands] Hey, hey!
Randy: Cool.
Tim: What's that thing?
Randy: It's a disk that has Zombie Sneak Attack on it. [Randy puts the disk into the computer]
Tim: Oh Zombies, love Zombies. Can two play this game?
Randy: Yeah.
Tim: Let's play.
Randy: Alright.
Tim: What are we waiting for?
Randy: Oh, it's going to take a minute to boot up. I still have that old 030 chip in it. Not much power.
Tim: [Tim's eyes light up] Are you saying this thing needs more power? Let me open it up. I can make this thing go faster.
Randy: Well, why don't we just save you the trouble and throw it up against the wall. [Randy hands the computer to Tim]
The Living Room
[Brad is watching a tape of himself on "Tool Time". We hear Tim say "Chequered flag". Randy enters from the garden.]
Randy: Don't you ever get sick of watching yourself on "Tool Time"?
Brad: Are you kidding me. Every time I watch that video tape, I always find something else I like about me.
Randy: You know, it's true what they say. You're better on tape than you are in person.
Brad: Well, do you really think I stunk?
Randy: Na, I thought you did a jerrific tob!
Brad: Thanks. Hey wanna go and play some Zombie Sneak Attack?
Randy: Can't do it. Dad made a few adjustments. The Zombies won't be coming back from the dead any more.
[Replay of the kitchen scene with Tim shaking and tossing a couple of spice jars and shaking them over a tray of meat on the counter - this time, Tim drops the jars on the floor]
[Scene from the "Tool Time" show.]
Al: I'm sure you'll love our next gadget.
Tim: That's right. You're on the job site, it's been raining all day. Your boots are suck. [Al goes to hit Tim as he muddles his words. Cut]

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