| [Tool Time set] |
|---|
| | |
| Heidi: | Does everybody know what time it is? |
| Audience: | Tool Time! |
| Heidi: | That's right. Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "the Toolman"
Taylor |
| Cut to two blue portable toilets from which Tim and Al
emerge. |
|---|
| Tim: | Thank you. Thank you Heidi. Thank you everybody. Welcome to
Tool Time. I am Tim "the Toolman" Taylor and you all know my assistant Al
"Next Time Light A Match" Borland. |
| Al: | Well today we're introducing a brand new segment right here on
Tool Time. |
| Tim: | That's right, it's called the unsung heroes of the job site. [Music
starts] |
| Al: | [singing and marching on the spot] He gets no thanks and that ain't
right. He's an unsung hero of the job site. [Dirty look from Tim to Al] You know when people think
about construction, well, they always think about the glory jobs. |
| Tim: | Yeah, your, your drywallers, your back holers, your trench diggers. What
about the guys who work hard but don't get any glory? |
| Al: | Yeah! What about us? |
| Tim: | I said Unsung Heroes, not Unsung Zeroes. Today we're going to
meet the man who services these bad boys. If you think your job stinks wait till you meet this guy.
Premier Porta-Potty-Papa Frank Dougan, come on out Frank. |
| Frank: | How you doin' Tim [Goes to shake Tim's hand - Tim recoils] I
get that a lot y'know |
| Tim: | Oh, man...So Frank, how d'ya get into the portapotty
business? |
| Frank: | Well, you know I just kind of fell into it. |
| Al: | So Frank, you want to tell us how you keep these things
maintained? |
| Frank: | Oh, you betcha Al. You know what I got is I got me a big old 20
foot suction hose and I got that sucker hooked up to my pumper truck and on the back I got a 800
gallon tank |
| Al: | 800? |
| Frank: | Yeah |
| Tim: | [Grunt] You got it made boy. Good job, huge hose
and a big truck. |
| Frank: | Well that's true Tim, but y'know there's one thing I don't get. Respect.
You know people walk up to one of these Porta-Potties and they look at it and the stand there and they
say - I'll wait. |
| Tim: | That's gotta hurt too. I like Porta-Potties. I like these
things. I wish I had one sitting next to my couch in the living room. During the football season, I'd
never have to leave the room. |
| Al: | Course, everyone else would. |
| Tim: | Frank, why don't you tell us all about this 35 gallon polyurethane
bad boy. |
| Frank: | Oh, you bet. Well Tim, as you can see, it's very spacious, totally
clean, it'll accommodate either one of your sexes - most importantly of all, perfectly private. [Closes
door] |
| Tim: | There's a man who takes a pride in his work. Glorifies his
job. |
| Al: | Truly the unsung hero of the jobsite. |
| Tim: | Right Frank, come on out and show us how you move these jobsite
to jobsite. Frank [Knocks on door] |
| Frank: | Err Tim, it's going to be about another minute. |
| Al: | [Music starts again ] He gets no thanks and that ain't right. [Tim
joins in]He's an unsung hero of the job site. |
| | |
| [Opening credits] |
|---|
| | |
| Taylor house kitchen. |
|---|
| [Brad enters by the back door.] |
| | |
| Brad: | Hi Mom, Hi Dad. |
| Tim: | Hi Brad |
| Jill: | Where were you? You were supposed to
have back from school an hour ago. |
| Brad: | I stayed late. I just wanted to soak up some extra
knowledge. |
| Jill: | By any chance, were you soaking up that extra knowledge in
detention? |
| Brad: | Hey. Knowledge is knowledge. |
| Jill: | I can't believe you Brad. |
| Brad: | Mom and Dad. It's not that big a deal. I mean I've had detention
before. |
| Jill: | It's the first day of school! No-one ever gets detention on the first
day of school |
| Tim: | I wouldn't say no-one |
| Jill: | What did you do? |
| Tim: | NOTHING! Bruce Tyler was throwing spit-wads at me. I had to
do something. |
| Jill: | I meant Brad. What did you do to get detention? |
| Brad: | Nothing. |
| Jill: | I see, so this is just one of those "Come and get to know the other
delinquents" sort of things |
| Brad: | Look I told you OK. I didn't do anything. |
| Jill: | [Mutters to Tim] Can you believe
that? |
| Tim: | It's terrible. Teachers are still giving detention for nothing. [Door
bell rings] |
| Al: | [Al enters] Hi! |
| Jill: | Hi Al. |
| Al: | Sorry to barge in on you. I've, I've been trying to call you for two hours.
The phone's busy. |
| Jill: | [Picks up phone] Randy! Get off the phone! [Hangs up the
phone] |
| Al: | So did you hear the news. Binford has officially been
sold. |
| Tim: | Alright, who was the mystery buyer? |
| Al: | Some guy by the name of Bud Harper. |
| Tim: | Why do I know that name? |
| Jill: | When I was working at the magazine, we did a cover story on
him. |
| Tim: | No, I never read the magazine |
| Jill: | He owns that chain of tyre stores, a software company, the
commuter airline. |
| Tim: | That's right. Wait a minute, this guy's got a lot of money. That
could help Tool Time |
| Al: | Or it could be the worst thing in the world to happen. You know
how these big conglomerate guys work. They're ruthless. They come in, they cut out all the
fat. |
| Tim: | No wonder you're worried. |
| Al: | Hey, they already fired the president. What if we're next. What if
they fire us. What if get they rid of Tool Time. |
| Tim: | Will you quit spitting on the back of my neck. |
| Al: | Well? |
| Tim: | They're not going to get rid of Tool Time. We're the crown jewels
of the Binford empire. |
| Jill: | Crown jewels? I had no idea I was married to royalty. |
| Tim: | Well you know it now. [Phone rings] |
| Jill: | [Answers phone] Hello...Yeah, just a minute please...[Looks to
Tim] Your Highness...Bud Harper's office calling |
| Al: | Oh no! It's always worse when they call you at home. |
| Tim: | Al |
| Al: | It's over, we're history. Sayonara |
| Jill: | Al - Chill! |
| Tim: | Yes. Uh huh. Sure. Breakfast would be fine. I get up pretty...he
wants to have breakfast at 6 a.m.? Sure I'll just move my lunch to 9:30. Yes I know where it is. I'll be
there. Thank you very much. Goodbye. [Hangs up the phone] Having a little breakfast meeting with
Bud Harper. No problem. |
| Al: | Well thank goodness. You know a guy doesn't take you out to
breakfast to fire you. |
| Jill: | Actually, sometimes he does. |
| Al: | Oh, I knew breakfast was a bad idea. |
| Jill: | Well it's not always bad. It depends what he orders. If he orders a
full breakfast, you're fine, but if he just orders coffee it means he wants to get out of there fast and
you're history. |
| Tim: | Where d'ya come up with that theory? |
| Jill: | When I worked as a cashier in high school, I got fired over coffee,
when I was fired from the bookstore: coffee, when I was fired from the diner: coffee to go. |
| Tim: | Have you ever kept a job? [Jill gives Tim a dirty look] |
| | |
| Diner. |
|---|
| [Tim is coloring in the menu with crayons] |
| | |
| Tim: | There's gotta be a way out of this thing. |
| Bud: | [Bud enters] Tim |
| Tim: | WHAT? |
| Bud: | Bud Harper |
| Tim: | Oh, Bud Harper. |
| Bud: | Hey, hey. Good to see you. |
| Tim: | Good to see you. Heard a lot about you. |
| Bud: | Oh, well thank you. Come on sit down, sit down. Sorry I'm
late. |
| Tim: | That's OK, I was working. |
| Waitress: | What can I get you guys? |
| Tim: | Big breakfast. Have a big one, a big breakfast.
Er, er, eggs and
pancakes, toast, some breakfast meats, the whole left side of the menu. Same for you, Bud? |
| Bud: | Oh, no, no, no, no. Just coffee for me. |
| Tim: | Oh no. Oh no. You gotta have breakfast. It is the foundation meal
of the whole day. |
| Bud: | No. Just coffee. |
| Tim: | A lot of coffee. Bring a whole bunch of coffee. |
| Bud: | Er, now Tim. I need to talk to you about your show. I had my
people study the ratings and I don't like what they told me. |
| Tim: | Bud. Can I call you Bud? |
| Bud: | Absolutely. |
| Tim: | You shouldn't listen to what your people say because my people
give me the wrong information all the time. |
| Bud: | According to my people, you don't have people. [Waitress arrives
with two mugs of coffee] |
| Bud: | Thank you. Now, er, Tim. I'm not going to blow a lot of sunshine up
your butt. |
| Tim: | Good cuz it sounds like it might be kind of painful. |
| Bud: | I've always loved Binford Tools, yeah. I think Tool Time is a great
show. |
| Tim: | You do? |
| Bud: | That's right. And together we can break out of the local market
and take this show national. |
| Tim: | Yeah, you mean like, all over Michigan? |
| Bud: | No, no, no, no, no, like all over the country. I plan to sink major
dollars into this show. Build new sets. We'll start out in ten new markets and as the show becomes
more profitable, your salary will be commensurate. |
| Tim: | Oh boy. There's always a catch isn't there. |
| Bud: | You'll make more money |
| Tim: | Oh, that commensurate. Yeah! |
| Bud: | Now.. Tim, there's an aspect of Tool Time I need to talk to you
about. |
| Tim: | Shoot. |
| Bud: | Yeah, well, When I was watching the show there was one thing that, I
don't know, just rubbed me the wrong way. |
| Tim: | Ah, you didn't like our salute to lubricants. |
| Bud: | Oh lubricants no, no, lubricants is great television.
No, no, no, no. I'm talking
about something I feel is really keeping the show from really taking off. |
| Tim: | Gadget corner. We can dump it. I don't like it. |
| Bud: | Oh, no, I love gadget corner. |
| Tim: | Yeah, so do I. I love that. That's good
too, that's good. |
| Bud: | No, no, no. I'm, I'm talking about Al. |
| Tim: | What about Al? |
| Bud: | Well I know you guys have been together a long time and I just -
[Tim gestures six fingers to Bud] -- six years. Oh well, good, well. I'm going to put this as delicately
as possible. You gotta dump him. |
| | |
| [Commercial break] |
|---|
| | |
| Diner. |
|---|
| | |
| Tim: | Bud, I-I can't do Tool Time without Al. Everybody loves
Al. |
| Bud: | Whoa, whoa, no not everybody. Now, we did some audience
testing and the numbers show that Al is a big dud with the younger viewers. |
| Tim: | I don't put much stock in audience testing. |
| Bud: | Well now, you tested through the roof |
| Tim: | On the other hand it's quite a valuable tool. |
| Bud: | Oh, audiences love you. Of course they don't love you as much as
they love Heidi. |
| Tim: | Yeah, that's funny. You're not kidding? Heidi tested better than
me? |
| Bud: | Heidi tested better than Santa Claus. [Enter waitress carrying two
plates of food, and followed by a waiter carrying more food] |
| Waitress: | OK, here are your eggs dishes. |
| Tim: | That's great |
| Waitress: | Your hot cereals and your breakfast meats will be out in a
minute. |
| Tim: | You know, I'm really adamant about this with Al. I have
to- |
| Waitress: | You get your choice of bacon, ham or sausage |
| Tim: | Sausage. The reason I think Al- |
| Waitress: | Links or patties? |
| Tim: | I'll take the links, please. The first thing is- |
| Waitress: | Mild or Spicy? |
| Tim: | JUST SURPRISE ME! [Waitress leaves in a bit of a
huff] |
| Tim: | Um, I don't much care about your testing really because Al is a big
hit with the seniors. If you go to any early bird specials in this city you hear people talking about Al
Borland. |
| Bud: | Yeah but, that's the problem. The senior crowd have already
bought their tools. We need new viewers who are hip, not viewers who need a new hip. |
| Tim: | I've been together with Al for six years though |
| Waitress: | OK, you got fourteen plates of potatoes coming. |
| Tim: | That's, that's just great Dolores. |
| Waitress: | OK, I got hash browns, home fries or O'Brians. |
| Tim: | Am I your only customer? |
| Waitress: | No, but you're my favorite. |
| Bud: | Tim, listen to me, I'm giving you the chance of a lifetime. You
can make a lot more money and be a star. Look, I want you to go toe to toe with Bob Vila and crush
him like a bug. |
| Tim: | Crush him like a bug. [Turns towards the kitchen] MORE
COFFEE! |
| Bud: | Yeah, you like that don't you. |
| Tim: | Yeah, crush him like a bug. |
| Bud: | Yeah! |
| Tim: | Yeah! |
| Bud: | Then you know what you gotta do? |
| Tim: | Yeah, what? |
| Bud: | Fire Al. |
| Tim: | You want me to fire Al? |
| Bud: | Well I can't do it. My grandmother loves Al. |
| | |
| Cut to Taylor family living room. |
|---|
| | |
| Mark: | Brad, what's detention like? |
| Brad: | It's a drag. They sit you in a room, then they yell at you, and
finally they make you do your homework. |
| Randy: | It's just like being at home. |
| Jill: | Except I can't get you to do your homework. |
| Randy: | Neither could they. That's why Brad'll be a little late today
too. |
| Brad: | Will you shut up! |
| Jill: | You got detention in detention? |
| Brad: | Yeah, but it wasn't my fault. |
| Jill: | It's never your fault. |
| Brad: | Hey, thanks for understanding. [Leaves via the back
door] |
| Jill: | [Calling after Brad] We're going to talk about this later. You better
not get any more detention. [Follows out the back door.] |
| | |
| Taylor family back garden. |
|---|
| [Jill emerges from the living room with a
bag of rubbish] |
| | |
| Jill: | Hi Wilson. |
| Wilson: | Well Hidy-ho neighbourette. |
| Jill: | How'd you like an obnoxious teenaged son for the next few
years? |
| Wilson: | Well, it wouldn't be first on my wishlist. |
| Jill: | It's not first on mine either but I don't have a choice and I've got
two more hot on his heels. |
| Wilson: | Well Brad is a good kid, I'm sure it's just a phase. |
| Jill: | Well I hope so. He's driving me crazy. It's the first day of high
school and he's already mouthing off and getting into trouble. |
| Wilson: | H'Hmmm. H'Hmmm. H'Hmmm. |
| Jill: | What happened to my sweet little boy? |
| Wilson: | Well, Jill if it's any consolation to you, I myself was quite the
rapscallion when I was Brad's age. |
| Jill: | That's hard to believe. |
| Wilson: | Oh, yes indeedy. I was a holy terror. |
| Jill: | What could you possibly have done? |
| Wilson: | Well, I'm afraid to admit it, but when I was in high school. I
was playing chess with my father. And he had me hopelessly cornered and I, being the incorrigable
rebel, refused to concede. |
| Jill: | And I thought Brad was bad. |
| Wilson: | It gets worse. So for punishment, he sent me up to my room
and instead, I snuck out a window, across the state line and went to a Monet exhibit |
| Jill: | You were a wild one. |
| Wilson: | Oh yes I was. And look how normal I turned out. |
| | |
| Back in Taylor family kitchen. |
|---|
| [Tim enters via the front door] |
| | |
| Tim: | Hi Honey. |
| Jill: | Hi! What's in the bags? |
| Tim: | Oh, about three hundred different kinds of sausage, 800 pounds of
potatoes. |
| Jill: | Well what happened with Bud Harper? |
| Tim: | Well he'd like to sink more money into the show and take Tool
Time national. |
| Jill: | What? National, that's terrific. That's going to be great for you and
Al. |
| Tim: | Well, it's going to be a lot greater for me than
it will be for Al. |
| Jill: | What you you mean by that? |
| Tim: | Well, if we make the move to national, we'll make more money
and Al will make- before taxes-nothing. |
| Jill: | He's going to fire Al? |
| Tim: | No, no, no - he wants me to fire Al. |
| Jill: | Well that's terrible, I can't believe they'd put you in that position.
|
| Tim: | Me either. I can't fire Al. |
| Jill: | Of course you can't. |
| Tim: | But if I don't fire Al, they're not going to put the money into Tool
Time and there goes my dream. Taking the show national, making more money, buying that vacation
home we've been thinking about. |
| Jill: | The one on the lake with the screen and porch all the way
round. |
| Tim: | Ten thousand square foot garage. Tell me why I'm giving this up
again. |
| Jill: | Cuz it's the right thing to do. |
| Tim: | What else you got? |
| Jill: | Tim. |
| Tim: | This is an opportunity of a lifetime. Don't I owe it to myself just
to consider it? I mean, Al is a good friend of mine, but how loyal do I have to be? |
| Jill: | Depends on how good a friend you are. |
| Tim: | Well, wait a minute, look at it this way. Maybe by firing Al, it
would help his career. |
| Jill: | How do you figure that? |
| Tim: | Well, remember when Bob Vila and Norm broke up? No-one
thought Norm would do anything. Now he's got that whittling thing on channel 15. |
| Jill: | Al would be devastated. Tool Time is everything to him. |
| Tim: | Wait a sec. right there. What kind of guy dedicates his whole life
to a local cable show? |
| Jill: | HELLO! |
| [Al enters through the front door] |
| Al: | Hello! |
| Tim: | Hey Al! Look it's Al. |
| Al: | So, how did breakfast go? Is the rumour true. |
| Tim: | What rumour is that Al. |
| Al: | Well, Heidi heard that Harper wants to take the show
national. |
| Tim: | Well, he might have mentioned something about going
national at breakfast. |
| Al: | Well, that is our dream come true. |
| Tim: | Well, dreams die, Al. |
| Al: | What are you talking about? |
| Tim: | I told him I wasn't interested. |
| Al: | Why would you say that? |
| Tim: | I don't know. I thought it was the right thing to do and I don't
want to talk about it. |
| Al: | How could you possibly make a decision like that without thinking
how it affects me? |
| Jill: | Al |
| Al: | Oh, you're just-you're so selfish. It's always Tim, Tim, Tim. Just
once, what about Al ? |
| Jill: | What about breakfast? I got
potatoes, waffles, 12 different kinds of sausage. |
| Al: | I don't want breakfast. I want to know why you're trying to ruin my
career. |
| Tim: | You wanna know why I don't want to go national, you wanna
know why? I'll tell you exactly why |
| Al: | Yes |
| Jill: | Wait-I got O'Brian potatoes, hash browns- |
| Al: | Well I thought that I could count on you, but obviously all you can
think about is yourself. I guess you just forgot about a little word called loyalty. [Al leaves by the front
door] |
| Tim: | Would you remind me one more time why I am giving up my
dream for that man |
| Jill: | OK, OK, OK ... Nothing's coming. |
| Tim: | Yeah. Are you saying I should fire Al? |
| Jill: | I'm not saying that. |
| Tim: | You're implying it |
| Jill: | I'm not implying that |
| Tim: | Would you imply it. Please, please, please. |
| Jill: | I mean how could you fire Al? He's like part of our family |
| Tim: | I just treat him like a member of your side. |
| | |
| Tool Time set. |
|---|
| | |
| Bud: | Hey, hey. There's my man Tim. Tim, how're you doing. |
| Tim: | Pretty good, Bud. |
| Bud: | Good to see you. |
| Tim: | Heard you drive up. Sounds like a big block you
got there. |
| Bud: | Good ear. Hey Tim, I need to talk to you. I want to set up some
interviews with new assistants. |
| Tim: | Don't bother. I've thought about it and I'm not doing the show
without Al. |
| Bud: | What are you talking about? |
| Tim: | That's my decision. Even if it means staying right where I
am |
| Bud: | Tim, I don't understand you. Why are you going to the mat for
this guy? [Al appears in the "Tool Time" doors, about to enter the set, but hears the conversation and
hovers in the doorway.] The only thing Al Borland has ever done for you is drag you down. |
| Tim: | No, I'm not doing the show without Al. He's a great tool man, he
can fix anything and besides that, he's my friend. |
| Bud: | Tim, you're making a really bad business decision. |
| Tim: | I don't see it that way. My gut tells me your tests are wrong.
America would love Al because Al loves America. |
| Al: | [Emerging from the doorway] I do. [Tim and Bud turn towards
Al] |
| Tim: | Al, we were j- we were just talking about you. |
| Al: | I heard. |
| Bud: | Al, listen, it's nothing personal, I just don't think your style is right
for the show. |
| Tim: | Wait, w.. w.. w.. wait a minute. I think you're wrong. I mean, is
this man boring? Yes. Is he dull beyond belief? You bet. A fashion nightmare? Tell me somethin' I
don't know! Anybody can be hip or exciting. One man dares to be dull. One man has the courage to
be monotonous, tedious and uninteresting. That man is Al Borland. |
| Al: | Thank you Tim |
| Tim: | But it's the interplay between us that makes the show
popular. |
| Bud: | Well Tim, I respect your opinion, but it's just your opinion and it's
my money. |
| Al: | Well Tim is not interested in your money. |
| Tim: | Shut up, Al. |
| Tim: | Give me some time to prove to you that we have what it takes to
go national. Put me in ten cities. |
| Bud: | No, no, no no way. |
| Tim: | Give me eight cities. |
| Bud: | No, no, no, forget it. |
| Tim: | Five cities, Bud. |
| Bud: | Tim. You know you're a loyal guy. You went to bat for a friend
and I respect that. I'll put you in two new markets. |
| Al: | We'll take it. |
| Bud: | It's not up to you |
| Al: | Well, of course not. [Bows head and backs away] |
| Tim: | Done deal. |
| Bud: | Alright. Good luck. You've got six months to prove
yourself. |
| Tim: | We won't let you down Bud. [Bud and Tim shake hands. Al goes
to shake Bud's hand, but Bud ignores him and leaves the set] |
| Al: | I feel like the biggest jerk in the world. Here I said all those horrible
things and you were just standing up for me. |
| Tim: | Don't give it another thought. You would have done the same for
me. |
| Al: | No, no, I am lucky to have a friend like you. You're as big as they
come. |
| Tim: | Oooooaaaaaaaahhh. You're getting that
"I'm going to hug you"
look and I don't like that Al. |
| Al: | Just a little one |
| Tim: | No, Al I don't- |
| Al: | Oh come on -[Al grabs a hold of Tim and hugs him. Tim
cringes] |
| Tim: | You're pushing me. You're fired! |
| Al: | I am not you big friend you. |
| | |
| Later on in the studio. |
|---|
| | |
| Tim: | [Al enters] I've been waiting for you. I want to show you
something - unless you want to change first [Al is carrying a hanger with a shirt on it, identical to the
one he is wearing.] |
| Al: | No, we got an hour. I'll stay casual. |
| Tim: | Alright, I've been thinking about, I've been
thinking about going national. I've got
something big in mind [Stands next to Porta-Potty] |
| Al: | We've already done a Porta-Potty show. |
| Tim: | No, no, no. I made some adjustments. A few
modifications, OK?. [Tim
opens and enters the Porta-Potty] You know how those guys eat on the job site, I got a man size-
[Holds up a 2 foot long match] -air freshener. [Al lets the door shut on Tim] Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait-I'm going to take this Porta-Potty where it's never been before, OK. I'm going to make it easier
to move move from jobsite to jobsite. |
| Al: | And how are you going to do that? |
| Tim: | Small motor. [Tim turns and pulls the starter cord, closes the door
and drives off in the Porta-Potty. Heidi enters.] |
| Al: | And they were going to fire me? |
| | |
| CREDITS |
|---|
| | |
| Replay of the Tim/Al hug scene ending with Tim and Al falling over on
the floor. |
|---|
| | |
| THE END |
|---|
