Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

The First Temptation of Tim

Episode No# 102
Written by:
Howard J. Morris
Directed by:
Andy Cadiff
Transcript by:
Corrections should be sent to:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Guest Cast
Heidi - Debbe Dunning
Bud Harper - Charlie Robinson
Frank Dougan - Royce D. Applegate
Waitress - Shirley Prestia
[Tool Time set]
Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: Tool Time!
Heidi: That's right. Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "the Toolman" Taylor
Cut to two blue portable toilets from which Tim and Al emerge.
Tim: Thank you. Thank you Heidi. Thank you everybody. Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "the Toolman" Taylor and you all know my assistant Al "Next Time Light A Match" Borland.
Al: Well today we're introducing a brand new segment right here on Tool Time.
Tim: That's right, it's called the unsung heroes of the job site. [Music starts]
Al: [singing and marching on the spot] He gets no thanks and that ain't right. He's an unsung hero of the job site. [Dirty look from Tim to Al] You know when people think about construction, well, they always think about the glory jobs.
Tim: Yeah, your, your drywallers, your back holers, your trench diggers. What about the guys who work hard but don't get any glory?
Al: Yeah! What about us?
Tim: I said Unsung Heroes, not Unsung Zeroes. Today we're going to meet the man who services these bad boys. If you think your job stinks wait till you meet this guy. Premier Porta-Potty-Papa Frank Dougan, come on out Frank.
Frank: How you doin' Tim [Goes to shake Tim's hand - Tim recoils] I get that a lot y'know
Tim: Oh, man...So Frank, how d'ya get into the portapotty business?
Frank: Well, you know I just kind of fell into it.
Al: So Frank, you want to tell us how you keep these things maintained?
Frank: Oh, you betcha Al. You know what I got is I got me a big old 20 foot suction hose and I got that sucker hooked up to my pumper truck and on the back I got a 800 gallon tank
Al: 800?
Frank: Yeah
Tim: [Grunt] You got it made boy. Good job, huge hose and a big truck.
Frank: Well that's true Tim, but y'know there's one thing I don't get. Respect. You know people walk up to one of these Porta-Potties and they look at it and the stand there and they say - I'll wait.
Tim: That's gotta hurt too. I like Porta-Potties. I like these things. I wish I had one sitting next to my couch in the living room. During the football season, I'd never have to leave the room.
Al: Course, everyone else would.
Tim: Frank, why don't you tell us all about this 35 gallon polyurethane bad boy.
Frank: Oh, you bet. Well Tim, as you can see, it's very spacious, totally clean, it'll accommodate either one of your sexes - most importantly of all, perfectly private. [Closes door]
Tim: There's a man who takes a pride in his work. Glorifies his job.
Al: Truly the unsung hero of the jobsite.
Tim: Right Frank, come on out and show us how you move these jobsite to jobsite. Frank [Knocks on door]
Frank: Err Tim, it's going to be about another minute.
Al: [Music starts again ] He gets no thanks and that ain't right. [Tim joins in]He's an unsung hero of the job site.
[Opening credits]
Taylor house kitchen.
[Brad enters by the back door.]
Brad: Hi Mom, Hi Dad.
Tim: Hi Brad
Jill: Where were you? You were supposed to have back from school an hour ago.
Brad: I stayed late. I just wanted to soak up some extra knowledge.
Jill: By any chance, were you soaking up that extra knowledge in detention?
Brad: Hey. Knowledge is knowledge.
Jill: I can't believe you Brad.
Brad: Mom and Dad. It's not that big a deal. I mean I've had detention before.
Jill: It's the first day of school! No-one ever gets detention on the first day of school
Tim: I wouldn't say no-one
Jill: What did you do?
Tim: NOTHING! Bruce Tyler was throwing spit-wads at me. I had to do something.
Jill: I meant Brad. What did you do to get detention?
Brad: Nothing.
Jill: I see, so this is just one of those "Come and get to know the other delinquents" sort of things
Brad: Look I told you OK. I didn't do anything.
Jill: [Mutters to Tim] Can you believe that?
Tim: It's terrible. Teachers are still giving detention for nothing. [Door bell rings]
Al: [Al enters] Hi!
Jill: Hi Al.
Al: Sorry to barge in on you. I've, I've been trying to call you for two hours. The phone's busy.
Jill: [Picks up phone] Randy! Get off the phone! [Hangs up the phone]
Al: So did you hear the news. Binford has officially been sold.
Tim: Alright, who was the mystery buyer?
Al: Some guy by the name of Bud Harper.
Tim: Why do I know that name?
Jill: When I was working at the magazine, we did a cover story on him.
Tim: No, I never read the magazine
Jill: He owns that chain of tyre stores, a software company, the commuter airline.
Tim: That's right. Wait a minute, this guy's got a lot of money. That could help Tool Time
Al: Or it could be the worst thing in the world to happen. You know how these big conglomerate guys work. They're ruthless. They come in, they cut out all the fat.
Tim: No wonder you're worried.
Al: Hey, they already fired the president. What if we're next. What if they fire us. What if get they rid of Tool Time.
Tim: Will you quit spitting on the back of my neck.
Al: Well?
Tim: They're not going to get rid of Tool Time. We're the crown jewels of the Binford empire.
Jill: Crown jewels? I had no idea I was married to royalty.
Tim: Well you know it now. [Phone rings]
Jill: [Answers phone] Hello...Yeah, just a minute please...[Looks to Tim] Your Highness...Bud Harper's office calling
Al: Oh no! It's always worse when they call you at home.
Tim: Al
Al: It's over, we're history. Sayonara
Jill: Al - Chill!
Tim: Yes. Uh huh. Sure. Breakfast would be fine. I get up pretty...he wants to have breakfast at 6 a.m.? Sure I'll just move my lunch to 9:30. Yes I know where it is. I'll be there. Thank you very much. Goodbye. [Hangs up the phone] Having a little breakfast meeting with Bud Harper. No problem.
Al: Well thank goodness. You know a guy doesn't take you out to breakfast to fire you.
Jill: Actually, sometimes he does.
Al: Oh, I knew breakfast was a bad idea.
Jill: Well it's not always bad. It depends what he orders. If he orders a full breakfast, you're fine, but if he just orders coffee it means he wants to get out of there fast and you're history.
Tim: Where d'ya come up with that theory?
Jill: When I worked as a cashier in high school, I got fired over coffee, when I was fired from the bookstore: coffee, when I was fired from the diner: coffee to go.
Tim: Have you ever kept a job? [Jill gives Tim a dirty look]
[Tim is coloring in the menu with crayons]
Tim: There's gotta be a way out of this thing.
Bud: [Bud enters] Tim
Tim: WHAT?
Bud: Bud Harper
Tim: Oh, Bud Harper.
Bud: Hey, hey. Good to see you.
Tim: Good to see you. Heard a lot about you.
Bud: Oh, well thank you. Come on sit down, sit down. Sorry I'm late.
Tim: That's OK, I was working.
Waitress: What can I get you guys?
Tim: Big breakfast. Have a big one, a big breakfast. Er, er, eggs and pancakes, toast, some breakfast meats, the whole left side of the menu. Same for you, Bud?
Bud: Oh, no, no, no, no. Just coffee for me.
Tim: Oh no. Oh no. You gotta have breakfast. It is the foundation meal of the whole day.
Bud: No. Just coffee.
Tim: A lot of coffee. Bring a whole bunch of coffee.
Bud: Er, now Tim. I need to talk to you about your show. I had my people study the ratings and I don't like what they told me.
Tim: Bud. Can I call you Bud?
Bud: Absolutely.
Tim: You shouldn't listen to what your people say because my people give me the wrong information all the time.
Bud: According to my people, you don't have people. [Waitress arrives with two mugs of coffee]
Bud: Thank you. Now, er, Tim. I'm not going to blow a lot of sunshine up your butt.
Tim: Good cuz it sounds like it might be kind of painful.
Bud: I've always loved Binford Tools, yeah. I think Tool Time is a great show.
Tim: You do?
Bud: That's right. And together we can break out of the local market and take this show national.
Tim: Yeah, you mean like, all over Michigan?
Bud: No, no, no, no, no, like all over the country. I plan to sink major dollars into this show. Build new sets. We'll start out in ten new markets and as the show becomes more profitable, your salary will be commensurate.
Tim: Oh boy. There's always a catch isn't there.
Bud: You'll make more money
Tim: Oh, that commensurate. Yeah!
Bud: Now.. Tim, there's an aspect of Tool Time I need to talk to you about.
Tim: Shoot.
Bud: Yeah, well, When I was watching the show there was one thing that, I don't know, just rubbed me the wrong way.
Tim: Ah, you didn't like our salute to lubricants.
Bud: Oh lubricants no, no, lubricants is great television. No, no, no, no. I'm talking about something I feel is really keeping the show from really taking off.
Tim: Gadget corner. We can dump it. I don't like it.
Bud: Oh, no, I love gadget corner.
Tim: Yeah, so do I. I love that. That's good too, that's good.
Bud: No, no, no. I'm, I'm talking about Al.
Tim: What about Al?
Bud: Well I know you guys have been together a long time and I just - [Tim gestures six fingers to Bud] -- six years. Oh well, good, well. I'm going to put this as delicately as possible. You gotta dump him.
[Commercial break]
Tim: Bud, I-I can't do Tool Time without Al. Everybody loves Al.
Bud: Whoa, whoa, no not everybody. Now, we did some audience testing and the numbers show that Al is a big dud with the younger viewers.
Tim: I don't put much stock in audience testing.
Bud: Well now, you tested through the roof
Tim: On the other hand it's quite a valuable tool.
Bud: Oh, audiences love you. Of course they don't love you as much as they love Heidi.
Tim: Yeah, that's funny. You're not kidding? Heidi tested better than me?
Bud: Heidi tested better than Santa Claus. [Enter waitress carrying two plates of food, and followed by a waiter carrying more food]
Waitress: OK, here are your eggs dishes.
Tim: That's great
Waitress: Your hot cereals and your breakfast meats will be out in a minute.
Tim: You know, I'm really adamant about this with Al. I have to-
Waitress: You get your choice of bacon, ham or sausage
Tim: Sausage. The reason I think Al-
Waitress: Links or patties?
Tim: I'll take the links, please. The first thing is-
Waitress: Mild or Spicy?
Tim: JUST SURPRISE ME! [Waitress leaves in a bit of a huff]
Tim: Um, I don't much care about your testing really because Al is a big hit with the seniors. If you go to any early bird specials in this city you hear people talking about Al Borland.
Bud: Yeah but, that's the problem. The senior crowd have already bought their tools. We need new viewers who are hip, not viewers who need a new hip.
Tim: I've been together with Al for six years though
Waitress: OK, you got fourteen plates of potatoes coming.
Tim: That's, that's just great Dolores.
Waitress: OK, I got hash browns, home fries or O'Brians.
Tim: Am I your only customer?
Waitress: No, but you're my favorite.
Bud: Tim, listen to me, I'm giving you the chance of a lifetime. You can make a lot more money and be a star. Look, I want you to go toe to toe with Bob Vila and crush him like a bug.
Tim: Crush him like a bug. [Turns towards the kitchen] MORE COFFEE!
Bud: Yeah, you like that don't you.
Tim: Yeah, crush him like a bug.
Bud: Yeah!
Tim: Yeah!
Bud: Then you know what you gotta do?
Tim: Yeah, what?
Bud: Fire Al.
Tim: You want me to fire Al?
Bud: Well I can't do it. My grandmother loves Al.
Cut to Taylor family living room.
Mark: Brad, what's detention like?
Brad: It's a drag. They sit you in a room, then they yell at you, and finally they make you do your homework.
Randy: It's just like being at home.
Jill: Except I can't get you to do your homework.
Randy: Neither could they. That's why Brad'll be a little late today too.
Brad: Will you shut up!
Jill: You got detention in detention?
Brad: Yeah, but it wasn't my fault.
Jill: It's never your fault.
Brad: Hey, thanks for understanding. [Leaves via the back door]
Jill: [Calling after Brad] We're going to talk about this later. You better not get any more detention. [Follows out the back door.]
Taylor family back garden.
[Jill emerges from the living room with a bag of rubbish]
Jill: Hi Wilson.
Wilson: Well Hidy-ho neighbourette.
Jill: How'd you like an obnoxious teenaged son for the next few years?
Wilson: Well, it wouldn't be first on my wishlist.
Jill: It's not first on mine either but I don't have a choice and I've got two more hot on his heels.
Wilson: Well Brad is a good kid, I'm sure it's just a phase.
Jill: Well I hope so. He's driving me crazy. It's the first day of high school and he's already mouthing off and getting into trouble.
Wilson: H'Hmmm. H'Hmmm. H'Hmmm.
Jill: What happened to my sweet little boy?
Wilson: Well, Jill if it's any consolation to you, I myself was quite the rapscallion when I was Brad's age.
Jill: That's hard to believe.
Wilson: Oh, yes indeedy. I was a holy terror.
Jill: What could you possibly have done?
Wilson: Well, I'm afraid to admit it, but when I was in high school. I was playing chess with my father. And he had me hopelessly cornered and I, being the incorrigable rebel, refused to concede.
Jill: And I thought Brad was bad.
Wilson: It gets worse. So for punishment, he sent me up to my room and instead, I snuck out a window, across the state line and went to a Monet exhibit
Jill: You were a wild one.
Wilson: Oh yes I was. And look how normal I turned out.
Back in Taylor family kitchen.
[Tim enters via the front door]
Tim: Hi Honey.
Jill: Hi! What's in the bags?
Tim: Oh, about three hundred different kinds of sausage, 800 pounds of potatoes.
Jill: Well what happened with Bud Harper?
Tim: Well he'd like to sink more money into the show and take Tool Time national.
Jill: What? National, that's terrific. That's going to be great for you and Al.
Tim: Well, it's going to be a lot greater for me than it will be for Al.
Jill: What you you mean by that?
Tim: Well, if we make the move to national, we'll make more money and Al will make- before taxes-nothing.
Jill: He's going to fire Al?
Tim: No, no, no - he wants me to fire Al.
Jill: Well that's terrible, I can't believe they'd put you in that position.
Tim: Me either. I can't fire Al.
Jill: Of course you can't.
Tim: But if I don't fire Al, they're not going to put the money into Tool Time and there goes my dream. Taking the show national, making more money, buying that vacation home we've been thinking about.
Jill: The one on the lake with the screen and porch all the way round.
Tim: Ten thousand square foot garage. Tell me why I'm giving this up again.
Jill: Cuz it's the right thing to do.
Tim: What else you got?
Jill: Tim.
Tim: This is an opportunity of a lifetime. Don't I owe it to myself just to consider it? I mean, Al is a good friend of mine, but how loyal do I have to be?
Jill: Depends on how good a friend you are.
Tim: Well, wait a minute, look at it this way. Maybe by firing Al, it would help his career.
Jill: How do you figure that?
Tim: Well, remember when Bob Vila and Norm broke up? No-one thought Norm would do anything. Now he's got that whittling thing on channel 15.
Jill: Al would be devastated. Tool Time is everything to him.
Tim: Wait a sec. right there. What kind of guy dedicates his whole life to a local cable show?
Jill: HELLO!
[Al enters through the front door]
Al: Hello!
Tim: Hey Al! Look it's Al.
Al: So, how did breakfast go? Is the rumour true.
Tim: What rumour is that Al.
Al: Well, Heidi heard that Harper wants to take the show national.
Tim: Well, he might have mentioned something about going national at breakfast.
Al: Well, that is our dream come true.
Tim: Well, dreams die, Al.
Al: What are you talking about?
Tim: I told him I wasn't interested.
Al: Why would you say that?
Tim: I don't know. I thought it was the right thing to do and I don't want to talk about it.
Al: How could you possibly make a decision like that without thinking how it affects me?
Jill: Al
Al: Oh, you're just-you're so selfish. It's always Tim, Tim, Tim. Just once, what about Al ?
Jill: What about breakfast? I got potatoes, waffles, 12 different kinds of sausage.
Al: I don't want breakfast. I want to know why you're trying to ruin my career.
Tim: You wanna know why I don't want to go national, you wanna know why? I'll tell you exactly why
Al: Yes
Jill: Wait-I got O'Brian potatoes, hash browns-
Al: Well I thought that I could count on you, but obviously all you can think about is yourself. I guess you just forgot about a little word called loyalty. [Al leaves by the front door]
Tim: Would you remind me one more time why I am giving up my dream for that man
Jill: OK, OK, OK ... Nothing's coming.
Tim: Yeah. Are you saying I should fire Al?
Jill: I'm not saying that.
Tim: You're implying it
Jill: I'm not implying that
Tim: Would you imply it. Please, please, please.
Jill: I mean how could you fire Al? He's like part of our family
Tim: I just treat him like a member of your side.
Tool Time set.
Bud: Hey, hey. There's my man Tim. Tim, how're you doing.
Tim: Pretty good, Bud.
Bud: Good to see you.
Tim: Heard you drive up. Sounds like a big block you got there.
Bud: Good ear. Hey Tim, I need to talk to you. I want to set up some interviews with new assistants.
Tim: Don't bother. I've thought about it and I'm not doing the show without Al.
Bud: What are you talking about?
Tim: That's my decision. Even if it means staying right where I am
Bud: Tim, I don't understand you. Why are you going to the mat for this guy? [Al appears in the "Tool Time" doors, about to enter the set, but hears the conversation and hovers in the doorway.] The only thing Al Borland has ever done for you is drag you down.
Tim: No, I'm not doing the show without Al. He's a great tool man, he can fix anything and besides that, he's my friend.
Bud: Tim, you're making a really bad business decision.
Tim: I don't see it that way. My gut tells me your tests are wrong. America would love Al because Al loves America.
Al: [Emerging from the doorway] I do. [Tim and Bud turn towards Al]
Tim: Al, we were j- we were just talking about you.
Al: I heard.
Bud: Al, listen, it's nothing personal, I just don't think your style is right for the show.
Tim: Wait, w.. w.. w.. wait a minute. I think you're wrong. I mean, is this man boring? Yes. Is he dull beyond belief? You bet. A fashion nightmare? Tell me somethin' I don't know! Anybody can be hip or exciting. One man dares to be dull. One man has the courage to be monotonous, tedious and uninteresting. That man is Al Borland.
Al: Thank you Tim
Tim: But it's the interplay between us that makes the show popular.
Bud: Well Tim, I respect your opinion, but it's just your opinion and it's my money.
Al: Well Tim is not interested in your money.
Tim: Shut up, Al.
Tim: Give me some time to prove to you that we have what it takes to go national. Put me in ten cities.
Bud: No, no, no no way.
Tim: Give me eight cities.
Bud: No, no, no, forget it.
Tim: Five cities, Bud.
Bud: Tim. You know you're a loyal guy. You went to bat for a friend and I respect that. I'll put you in two new markets.
Al: We'll take it.
Bud: It's not up to you
Al: Well, of course not. [Bows head and backs away]
Tim: Done deal.
Bud: Alright. Good luck. You've got six months to prove yourself.
Tim: We won't let you down Bud. [Bud and Tim shake hands. Al goes to shake Bud's hand, but Bud ignores him and leaves the set]
Al: I feel like the biggest jerk in the world. Here I said all those horrible things and you were just standing up for me.
Tim: Don't give it another thought. You would have done the same for me.
Al: No, no, I am lucky to have a friend like you. You're as big as they come.
Tim: Oooooaaaaaaaahhh. You're getting that "I'm going to hug you" look and I don't like that Al.
Al: Just a little one
Tim: No, Al I don't-
Al: Oh come on -[Al grabs a hold of Tim and hugs him. Tim cringes]
Tim: You're pushing me. You're fired!
Al: I am not you big friend you.
Later on in the studio.
Tim: [Al enters] I've been waiting for you. I want to show you something - unless you want to change first [Al is carrying a hanger with a shirt on it, identical to the one he is wearing.]
Al: No, we got an hour. I'll stay casual.
Tim: Alright, I've been thinking about, I've been thinking about going national. I've got something big in mind [Stands next to Porta-Potty]
Al: We've already done a Porta-Potty show.
Tim: No, no, no. I made some adjustments. A few modifications, OK?. [Tim opens and enters the Porta-Potty] You know how those guys eat on the job site, I got a man size- [Holds up a 2 foot long match] -air freshener. [Al lets the door shut on Tim] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait-I'm going to take this Porta-Potty where it's never been before, OK. I'm going to make it easier to move move from jobsite to jobsite.
Al: And how are you going to do that?
Tim: Small motor. [Tim turns and pulls the starter cord, closes the door and drives off in the Porta-Potty. Heidi enters.]
Al: And they were going to fire me?
Replay of the Tim/Al hug scene ending with Tim and Al falling over on the floor.

Valid XHTML 1.0 Transitional Valid CSS We rated with ICRA We rated with Safe Surf