Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

The Long and Winding Road, Part I

Episode No# 201
Written by:
Laurie Gelman
Directed by:
Andy Cadiff
Transcript by:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Heidi - Debbe Dunning
Guest Cast
Dr. Hanover - Peter Michael Goetz
Morgan Wandell - Danny Zorn
Marty - William O'Leary
Butch - Tom McCleister
Dan - John Putch
Sue - Wendie Jo Sperber
Dolly - Susanne Wright
Robbie - Stan Sellers
Noreen - Berlinda Tolbert
Episode begins in the living room. Brad is looking at a book, Mark is watching TV and Marty is at the kitchen counter writing a check. Tim enters from the garage.
Tim: What a day! Binford's executive schlock-meister, Morgan Wandell, wants me to do a whole "Tool Time" just talking. No tools, no projects, no hands-on anything! Isn't that insane?
Marty: How many P's in deposit?
Tim: Two!
Marty: I was right. [Marty removes the check from his checkbook]
Tim: Alright, now more about me, this--
Marty: --no sorry man, I can't. I'm in a hurry. I've gotta go put a security deposit down on my new apartment. [Marty leaves]
Tim: Brad, listen to this--
Brad: --actually Dad, could you talk to me about it later? I have a five o'clock hair appointment and Pablo. He gets all weird when I'm late.
Tim: Pablo? He's more important than your dad?
Brad: Dad, he cuts my hair. [Brad leaves]
Tim: Hey Mark, you've gotta listen to this.
Mark: Sure. As soon as I'm done watching this show.
Tim: You're watching "Cooking with the Ragin' Cajun"?
Mark: Dad, it's gumbo week! [Jill enters through the front door]
Jill: Hi, how was your day honey?
Tim: Terrible, terrrible. [The phone rings]
Jill: Why? What happened? [Jill puts her bags down]
Tim: Sit down and I'll tell you. [The phone is still ringing] Morgan Wandell now has taken complete control of the show, right. [Jill sits down at the table. Mark answers the phone] I'm used to things being my way. I'm not gonna take orders from a cheesy young punk who thinks he knows production. [Mark comes over with the phone]
Mark: Hey Mom.
Tim: We're talking.
Mark: It's Professor Hanover's office. [Mark hands Jill the phone]
Tim: We're talking.
Jill: Doctor Hanover? [Mark nods] Wait, just hold that thought. [Jill takes the phone] I, I just have to take this call. [Tim sits and and moans with frustration. Mark leaves] Hello? Yeah, yeah, um, [Jill goes over to her bag and gets out her diary] yeah, I can have a meeting with Doctor Hanover Thurdsay, two o'clock. [Tim start throwing an apple from side-to-side] Can you tell me what this meeting is about? [Jill writes the meeting down in her diary] Well, I guess I'll just have to find out when I get there, O.K? [Tim starts throwing the apple into the air] Alright, thanks. Bye. [Jill hangs up the phone. Tim comes over to her]
Tim: Howdy.
Jill: Doctor Hanover wants to have a meeting with me.
Tim: That's great. Anyway, this guy--
Jill: --no it's not great. I mean, maybe he re-read my thesis and--
Tim: --honey--
Jill: --he's having second thoughts.
Tim: Honey. Please.
Jill: Maybe he found a reference that's out-dated.
Tim: Could you--
Jill: --y'know that can happen.
Tim: Just hold on a second. Just let me tell you this.
Jill: Maybe he thinks that my conclusions are just, y'know, inconclusive. Oh God! [Tim bangs his head against the stair banister in fustration] This could be terrible for my whole career. [Jill takes a deep breath] I just have to calm down. Calm down. I'm gonna go take a hot bath. [Jill goes upstairs]
Tim: Thanks for listening. I'm gonna go stick my head in the microwave. With my mouth open so it doesn't explode.
[Opening credits]
Cut to "Tool Time" studio, backstage.
[Al comes running in. Tim is sitting at his dressing table, with Heidi standing next to him. Al starts unbuttoning his shirt]
Al: Sorry I'm late. I was packing up Mother's house.
Tim: That must have been hard for you Al.
Al: Well, I got through it O.K. [Al takes off his shirt] But then Trudy came over and we were going over the, the guest list [Al takes an identical shirt out of his locker and puts it on] for the, the wedding and, and, and I-I got this panic attack. I think I'm going through pre-marital stress.
Tim: Ah. P.M.S!
Al: I just, y'know, I need to get through the next two days. Come Monday, I'll be on my honeymoon, lying on the beach with Trudy, slathering zinc oxide all over my body.
Tim: Boy, thanks for that image. [Tim screws up his face at the thought. Morgan comes over to them]
Morgan: Hey guys. Excited about my big idea for today's show?
Tim: How can we be excited about a show where we just talk, Morgan?
Morgan: No, no, it's not just talk; it's Tim-talk. And when Tim talks, people listen. [Morgan leaves to get ready for recording the show]
Tim: Don't kiss up to me. That job is reserved for Borland.
Al: Yeah, you're gonna have stand in line, pal!
Cut to the "Tool Time" set.
[Heidi runs in and announces the show]
Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: "Tool Time!"
Heidi: That's right. Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Binford Toolman" Taylor! [Heidi & the audience cheer. Tim & Al enter the set. There are three stools on the set]
Tim: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you Binford's Heidi. I am Tim "The Binford Toolman" Taylor and of course you all know my assistant Al "Binford" Borland. [Al salutes. The audience cheers]
Al: Thank you.
Tim: Well, y'know, you, you may not like the show today. We're doing something a bit different. There's no project, we're not gonna build anything, we're just going to talk. If you have any complaints about that, you might want to email Morgan Wandell at big-fat-zero-dot-com. [Morgan is watching on a TV monitor, and looks around concerned]
Al: Er, today's show is called "Home Repair Addicts." Men who can't keep their hands off their tools.
Tim: Apparently we've got three good buddies who are accused of having a tool addiction that they cannot kick. So I guess Heidi, it's time to bring out our tool addicts, please.
Heidi: Alright, let's have a big Binford welcome to Robbie, Dan and Butch. [Robbie, Dan & Butch enter the set]
Tim: Robbie, how're you doing? [Tim & All shake hands with them]
Al: Please, make yourselves comfortable. [Robbie, Dan & Butch sit down on the stools]
Robbie, Dan & Butch: Thank you.
Tim: Well gentlemen, I've gotta be honest with you. I don't see anything wrong with men that like to build things, so I'd like to know what the problem is. [The guys look at each other]
Robbie, Dan & Butch: My wife! [Tim laughs]
Tim: Been there. You'd better hope she's not watching the show today, huh?
Dan: Actually they're in the audience.
Tim: Huh? [The wives wave from the audience] Oh, this could get interesting.
Al: Now Robbie, why don't you tell us what happens to your house when you open your toolbox.
Robbie: First I might fix the hinge on a window.
Al: Hm-hmm.
Robbie: Then, if the mood strikes me, I might replace the dry wall next to it.
Al: Hmm.
Robbie: Then, as long as I'm replacing the dry wall, I might as well add on a family room.
Tim: That sounds sensible to me.
Noreen: Sensible?! We have six family rooms and no family.
Tim: Well, I guess it's time to get busy! Dan, what's your problem.
Dan: Er, I like to paint, but I don't have an addiction; I can stop any time I want.
Dolly: Oh yeah? Then how come our front lawn's now blue?
Dan: It's teal.
Al: Butch, why don't you tell us all what you're in to.
Butch: [Tim puts his hand on Butch's shoulder] Lubrication. [Tim takes his hand away and checks it for oil] I believe a good home is a quiet home. No squeaks, creaks or hums. So I always keep a can or two of oil on hand.
Sue: [Sue stands up] Ha! Can or two, he oiled everthing we own. He's like the [Bleep] tinman!
Tim: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Let's just try to settle down, O.K?
Al: Er, Tim's right. We don't allow off-color language on this show.
Butch: That's right Sue, so shut your [Bleep] mouth.
Tim: Would you?
Sue: Oh yeah? [Bleep bleep] and the [Bleep] you rode in on! [The audience starts egging the argument on]
Tim: Hey, Wandell, do something about this.
Morgan: Yeah, you go girl!
Sue: [Sue leaves her seat and walks towards the set] And don't stick up your crappy repairs, and I'm sick of you.
Heidi: You know, ma'am.
Sue: Oh pipe down, bones. [Sue pushes Heidi back into the audience]
Tim: [Butch is standing up] Hey, hey, hey, hey, now just come, calm down, calm down. It's a television show. C'mon, if you go back to your seat you'll get that nylon fanny-pack.
Butch: She doesn't need one. She's already packing plenty of fanny.
Al: Now that's not helping matters, sir. If we could just--
Sue: --er, well I've got news for you. [Sue walks behind Dan] My fanny's good enough for the Dutch boy. [Sue puts her hands on Dan's shoulders] He and I have been [Bleep bleep bleep bleep] brains out for the last six months! [Sue kisses Dan on the cheek]
Dolly: What! [Dolly runs down to the set, pushing Heidi back into the audience to get past. Sue & Dolly start fighting and pulling each other's hair]
Al: That, that's not very lady-like. [Sue & Dolly continue fighting. Sue pulls off Dolly's hair, which turns out to be a wig. The audience start cheering. Tim & All try to separate them, and chaos breaks out on the set]
Heidi: Somebody call security!
Tim: We'll be right back after these mess-- [Tim gets kicked in the face. A Binford tools card blocks out the scene]
Cut to the "Tool Time" studio, backstage after the show.
[Morgan comes running over to Tim, Al & Heidi]
Morgan: Awesome show, guys.
Tim: What do you mean "awesome show"? I almost got killed out there.
Morgan: Oh, yeah, I'm sorry about that. Those gals were only supposed to threaten their husbands.
Heidi: They were supposed to? [Tim holds an icepack to his jaw]
Al: Are you saying that this, this show was staged?
Morgan: Yeah, yeah. Looked so real, didn't it? Oh God, I'm good.
Tim: Morgan, you've made a mockery of everything Channel 112 stands for. We're not doing any more shows like this.
Al: Yeah.
Morgan: No. No, no, of course not. We want to stay fresh. Gotta keep the audience guessing. Eventually we'll do some more of that building crap you like. [Morgan starts to leave. Tim gets up and follows him]
Tim: Building crap? Hold on a second. [Morgan & Tim walk onto the set, followed by Al & Heidi. Two crew members are pulling an unconscious man off the set] That building crap, that building crap is what "Tool Time" has been about for the last ten years.
Morgan: Alright, well now it's about ratings. And if you're now comfortable with that we can go another way.
Tim: What's that supposed to mean?
Morgan: W-well, it means that we can find a host that's on the same page that we are.
Tim: Oooo, are you threatening me Morgan?
Morgan: No, no, I'm just clarifying Binford's position.
Tim: Well, let me clarify my position. You're not gonna take control of "Tool Time."
Heidi: Yeah, I'm with Tim.
Al: Yeah, you tell him Tim.
Tim: That's right. If I have to I'll just go above you. I'll talk to Bud.
Morgan: Hmm, alright, well, you can talk to Bud all you want.
Tim: I'm going to.
Morgan: Well, do. It's not gonna do you much good.
Tim: Sure it will.
Morgan: Well he's no longer with the company.
Al: What?! [Morgan starts to walk off]
Tim: Hold on a second. Bud wouldn't leave "Tool Time" without letting me know.
Morgan: Let's see. He left, you didn't know about it, I guess he would leave without telling you.
Tim: Well as far as supervising "Tool Time" is concerned, who's above you now?
Morgan: God...
Tim: Well look, if you're gonna turn this show into a three ring circus, I might just quit.
Morgan: Sorry to lose you. You were a good man. [Morgan leaves. Tim, Al & Heidi are left speechless]
[Commercial break]
Cut to the kitchen.
[Tim enters from the garage. Jill is about to leave for her meeting with Dr. Hanover]
Tim: Jill, we've got to talk.
Jill: No honey, I can't. I've gotta go to this meeting with Dr. Hanover.
Tim: This is very important, honey.
Jill: Well O.K., so what is it? Like Morgan, he wants you do to another cheesy "Tool Time" and you don't want to do it, right?
Tim: No, he wants all "Tool Time's" to be cheesy. That's why tomorrow's my last show cuz I quit.
Jill: You quit? You quit the show?
Tim: He pushed me too far. Today's show was one of those shock TV shows like Jerry Springer. Tomorrow he wants me to start an electrical fire! I intentionally start fires, I lose all credibility.
Jill: Well, I think, why don't you just talk to Bud?
Tim: Bud left the company. Put Morgan in charge, he's completely insane. Al and Heidi quit right after I did.
Jill: Oh my God... Then this is for real.
Tim: Darn right it's for real. We figure we owe it to our fans to do one more show. But after tomorrow's show, I'm done.
Jill: I am so sorry. Are you O.K?
Tim: No I'm not O.K. It's ten years of my life; I loved that show. I just hope I can land on my feet.
Jill: What are we gonna do for money?
Tim: We've got some in savings.
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: I can put in more time at the hardware store.
Jill: That's a way to spend money.
Tim: I'll buy a garage and start a classic car shop.
Jill: You can't start a business from scratch. There's gonna be experts out there that have been doing it for years. It could take forever to turn a profit, or, y'know, you could just be a complete failure right out of the box.
Tim: You're gonna make a great therapist.
Cut to Dr. Hanover's office.
[Jill enters. Dr. Hanover is by his desk, looking at a book]
Dr. Hanover: Oh hi Jill. Come on in.
Jill: Hi, um, when your secretary called [Jill & Dr. Hanover shake hands] she wouldn't tell me what this meeting was about.
Dr. Hanover: Oh, that's because she doesn't know. If I tell her anything involving a woman, she thinks I'm having an affair.
Jill: Oh. [Jill & Dr. Hanover laugh] Oh, that's ridiculous. [Dr. Hanover looks at Jill] Well, not that any woman wouldn't want to have an affair with you, it's just, y'know, --
Dr. Hanover: Sit down, sit down. [Jill sits down. Dr. Hanover shuts his office door] Jill, I called you in to tell you that I have recommended you for a job.
Jill: You, you did, me?
Dr. Hanover: Do you remember our guest lecturer Dr. Ted Lee? [Dr. Hanover sits down behind his desk]
Jill: Yes I do. He wrote that great book on family counselling.
Dr. Hanover: Yeah. Well, he just opened a family clinic and he wants you to work for him in his adolescent development program. [Dr. Hanover hands Jill the clinic brochure]
Jill: This is unbelievable. He wants me.
Dr. Hanover: Well, he liked the idea of hiring a post graduate student and, er, he wanted someone with life experience.
Jill: This is so great. You can't imagine how good the timing is. I--
Dr. Hanover: --well, there, there is, er, one thing that you should know--
Jill: --how much money will I be making?
Dr. Hanover: Excuse me?
Jill: Cash, dollars, how much will I be pulling down?
Dr. Hanover: Jill, people don't usually take these entry level jobs for the money.
Jill: Oh, oh, of course not. But I might eventually make, er, say what you make?
Dr. Hanover: People don't take my job for the money.
Jill: Look, I'm sorry. I just, um. My husband lost his job today so I'm just a little concerned about our financial situation.
Dr. Hanover: Ah, er, I'm so sorry. I, well I, y'know, I don't know exactly what the salary would be but I'm sure it won't be enough to support a family of five.
Jill: [Disappointed] Oh. Well, that's O.K. Y'know, I'm confident that Tim will be able to get another job. And this is a really wonderful opportunity. Thank you so much. [Jill stands up to leave]
Dr. Hanover: Oh, you're very welcome. But what I'm trying to tell you is that, er, Dr. Lee's clinic is in Indiana. You'd have to move.
Jill: [Jill sits down again] Move?
Dr. Hanover: Before you ask me what it costs to rent a U-Haul, I don't know! [Jill smiles]
Cut to the living room.
[Tim is talking on the phone]
Tim: Sparky, that's great news... Yeah, yeah. I'll call you back. Thanks. [Tim hangs up the phone. Jill enters through the front door] Yes! Jill, you're not gonna believe this. Sparky found a vacant spot on Woodward that'd be perfect for a classic car shop.
Jill: Well, I have another location in mind. How about opening a shop in Indiana?
Tim: [Tim laughs] Indiana wants me. Lord, I can't go back there.
Jill: Honey, um, a very prestigious colleague of Dr. Hanover has offered me a job in his family clinic in Bloomington.
Tim: Must be a pretty screwed-up family if they have their own clinic!
Jill: This is really an incredible opportunity for me. This man is amazing.
Tim: You're serious about moving to Indiana?
Jill: Yeah, well, I, I don't know. I mean I just, I want to consider it.
Tim: What are they offering you, ballpark?
Jill: Well, I, it's not much. But it, there's potential for more later--
Tim: --honey, honey. We're not moving to Indiana based on potential, O.K?
Jill: Well, you're, you're not even gonna discuss this?
Tim: What's to discuss; we live here. I mean, my mom is here, my brothers are here. My mechanics are here.
Jill: So we're just gonna throw my career out the door because you don't want a stranger to change your oil?
Tim: Give me some credit. There's more to it than that. How am I gonna follow the Lions, er, the Red Wings, the Pistons?
Jill: Buy a paper.
Tim: I don't wanna read. I'm not leaving this house. I built this house and I'm not moving because you, you, you decide on a whim to, to go to Hooserville.
Jill: It's not a whim. And I didn't say I want to move, I just, y'know, I want to discuss it.
Tim: O.K., let's discuss it. We're not moving!
Jill: I can't believe this. For twenty years my whole life has revolved around your career and I finally have an opportunity to start my own, and, and you don't even have one.
Tim: That's a low blow.
Jill: It could get lower.
Cut to the backyard.
[Wilson is washing some rocks in a bucket. Tim enters]
Tim: Hey Wilson. [Tim sits down on a garden chair]
Wilson: Well, hi-ho Tim.
Tim: What're you doing?
Wilson: Just hosing off my rocks.
Tim: If your shower's broken you can use ours.
Wilson: No, no, no, no, Tim. I'm washing the rocks that I gathered on my hiking trip to Whitefish Point. So, what's going on with you?
Tim: Well, for starters I quit my job.
Wilson: Tim, you quit "Tool Time" after ten years?
Tim: They were making too many changes, Wilson. I just, I just had to let it go.
Wilson: Well I am sorry to hear that.
Tim: It gets worse. I told Jill I quit and she told me she wants to move to Indiana.
Wilson: Jill is leaving you because to lost your job?
Tim: No, no, no. She was offered a position in Bloomington.
Wilson: Ohhh. And I'm gathering that you didn't take too kindly to that.
Tim: I didn't even want to discuss it. Y'know, abandon my mom and my brothers, uproot my boys in a critical time in their development.
Wilson: You don't want to leave your mechanics.
Tim: [Tim stands up] It's not just my mechanics. Y'know, it's Barry Sanders, and Grant Hill, and the river front, and Polish food, and, and, and my barber, and... It's change, it's big change.
Wilson: Well, change is often difficult for everybody, Tim. But on the other hand, if you are gonna leave "Tool Time," this might be a good time for you to support Jill.
Tim: The truth is my family's always been based around me and my career. I never really thought about what would happen if, y'know...
Wilson: You never thought you'd be making the same sacrifices for Jill as she did for you.
Tim: [Grunts] Yeah, that's right, yeah.
Wilson: Y'know Tim, these are perfectly normal feelings you're having. Traditionally the male is the leader of the family. It's very difficult for him to give up that position to the female.
Tim: Ugh. There's a nasty thought. Me in hair-curlers, a little muumuu, walking around the house... Do you think we should make the move?
Wilson: I would never want to lose you as a neighbor. But you and Jill have to do what's best for you two.
Tim: Yeah, we do.
Wilson: Yes you do. Well, I guess I'd better get back to hosing off my rocks.
Tim: Yeah, and I'd better get back inside and try to save mine.
Cut to the kitchen.
[Tim, Brad & Mark are having pizza]
Brad: I don't wanna go to Indiana.
Mark: Me either.
Brad: Neither will Randy. Have you even talked to him about it?
Tim: Not yet. I don't think he wants to leave Costa Rica. [Tim and the boys go over to the table. Brad & Mark sit down] I think some tribe found out he had a flashlight and turned him into a god.
Mark: Y'know, I can't think of one good thing about Indiana. [Tim sits down]
Brad: They have a town named "French Lick."
Mark: Will it be easy for you to just pick up and leave Detroit?
Tim: No, it wasn't easy for me to quit "Tool Time" but I did that.
Brad: Yeah, just when it was starting to get good.
Tim: Women were body-slamming each other.
Brad: Like I said!
Tim: The most important thing about a move to Indiana would be for your mom. She's worked really hard on this new career. And this is a really good opportunity for her.
Brad: I don't know, Dad.
Tim: I just want you to consider it. [Jill comes downstairs]
Jill: What's going on guys?
Tim: We were just talking about Indiana.
Jill: Save yourself the trouble, It's just stupid. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm not gonna drag you guys anywhere you don't wanna go. [Tim looks at Brad]
Brad: Actually, moving might not be that big of a deal. I mean, I figure I'll probably be at UCLA most of the year.
Mark: I-I'm changing schools anyway. It'd be a chance to meet all new girls!
Jill: What about you?
Tim: Oh, I already have a girl! [Tim stands up and goes over to Jill] And if she's gotta go to Indiana for a job, I'm willing to put on a muumuu and curlers for her.
Jill: So, does this mean you're willing to discuss it now?
Tim: Don't need to. We're going.
Brad: Yeah.
Cut to the living room, the next morning.
[Brad & Mark are getting ready for school. Jill is having breakfast. Tim comes downstairs]
Tim: Hey Brad, don't forget my car's in the shop. So I'm gonna take your car and drop you guys off at school.
Brad: Wait, what makes you think you can just take my car just like that?
Tim: Because I paid for half of it, just like that. [Brad tosses Tim the keys]
Jill: Oh, don't forget your lunches, boys.
Mark: Mom, we, er, haven't taken our lunches to school since the fifth grade.
Jill: Hello, I don't know what I was thinking. Kind of distracted. Have a great day at school.
Tim: Hey. [Tim throws the car keys to Brad] Wait for me outside. [Brad & Mark go into the garage]
Jill: So, looks like we're gonna do this, move to Indiana.
Tim: Yeah. You having second thoughts at all?
Jill: No. You?
Tim: No. No.
Jill: I guess I'll feel better, y'know, when I make this call to Dr. Lee. Tell him I've decided to come.
Tim: Yeah, I think you will.
Jill: So, have a great "Tool Time" grand finale. [Jill & Tim kiss]
Tim: It's gonna be really emotional.
Jill: Yeah, I know. You have enough Kleenex?
Tim: If not, I'm sure we have extra gauze. [Tim goes into the garage. Jill picks up the phone. Jill reminisces about all the good times they've had in the house]
Flashback to [3.20] It Was the Best of Tims, It Was the Worst of Tims
[Tim is wrestling with the boys]
Randy: One, two, three. You're pinned. [Randy punches Tim's shoulder]
Mark: You lose!
[Randy lets go of Tim and Tim gets up]
Tim: I am... [Tim pretends to give in] not the second round!
[Tim grabs Brad and Randy in a headlock]
Brad: No!
Randy: Ahhhh! Ahhhh!
Brad: Dad! It smells under here! Seriously!
Tim: It's the Tim Taylor Half-smelly Nelson!
[Brad starts wafting the air in front of him]
Randy: Yeah, Dad, your pits are the pit!
Fade back to Jill, holding the phone...
[Outtake from the first kitchen scene. Tim enters from the garage]
Tim: What a day! Binford's executive schlock-meister w-w-w... [Tim forgets his line, and goes back into the garage]
[Beep. Cut to the backyard. Tim is talking with Wilson]
Wilson: Well, change is difficult for most people but, on the other hand, if you are gonna leave "Tool Time"... you should go... [Tim laughs]
[Beep. Cut]
Wilson: Well Tim, I understand your fe-- [The audience starts to laugh]
Stage Manager: Start clear again.
[Beep. Cut]
Wilson: Well Tim... [The audience laughs again]

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