TIM ALLEN ON "THE TONIGHT SHOW"
Show: The Tonight Show
Host: Jay Leno
Air date: September ?, 1995
"The Tonight Show" is broadcasted on NBC Mon-Fri at 11:35 pm ET/PT in the U.S. and on NBC Europe every night at 23:00 CET in association with Nokia. Be sure to tune in. You can also visit The Tonight Show Web Site, with "Headlines" and more...
First segment removed.
Jay: Folks, we have a great show tonight. On the program tonight, a very funny man, star of his own show: "Home Improvement" - the number one show. You know, Tim has held kind of a grouch today. You know, couple of years ago, Tim was a big car guy like me. We had him on the show and he had this... weenie Mustang and he wanted to race against my mighty Cobra, and we went out to the parking lot and... Let's show them a little. This is from two years ago. There's Tim and I...
A clip from Tim's last appearance on show. They each take off in a race, but Tim gets a bad start. Jay reaches the finish line long before Tim. The audience applauds.
Jay: Now Tim... Tim has vowed some sort of revenge. I'm willing to let bygones be bygones and say: Look, let's just call me the winner forever. But no, no, no. He couldn't let it be. Is he in the dressing room now? Now is... Does he wanna say something?
Cut to the dressing room. "Benny" (Jim Labriola) is standing next to Tim!
Tim: I'm saying yes...
The audience applauds very loudly.
Tim: Hey, quiet down, people. People. Hold on.
Tim really looks pissed off.
Tim: Yesterday was yesterday, Jay. Today is today. Watch out, pal.
Cut back to studio. The audience applauds. Jay is sarcastic and pretends he's scared.
Jay: Oooooh... We'll see what he has planned a little bit later, when he comes out.
Jay presents the rest of the guests of today. Next segment skipped.
Jay: When we come back, the grouch master of the century: Tim Allen. Be right back, after this.
Jay: Welcome back. Great show tonight. Tim Allen from "Home Improvement," from "The Pursuit of Happiness," Larry Miller, very funny man and MTV's Jenny McCarthy. Good show tonight. Let's get right to it: My first guest, a fellow car guy and a multi-media sensation, ladies and gentlemen. He's got movies, he's got a TV show, he's got books he's selling [Jay holds up a book], and he's got these dopey hammers. He's doing everything, this guy. His show, "Home Improvement," airs Tuesday nights on ABC, which is another network. Please welcome Tim Allen!
Tim enters. The audience applauds very loudly. The band plays the Home Improvement theme.
Tim: Wow. Hey.
Jay: How are you, Tim?
Tim: Aah. The band, the set, the air conditioning. It's wonderful. And Jay Leno with "the Tonight Show". What a man, what a man.
Jay: [To audience] He's toying with you.
Tim: Yes I am.
Jay: Now, you just came back, you and your family. Did you go on vacation?
Tim: No, Jay, we didn't. Yes, actually we went to Greece.
Jay: Oh Greece. Now is that a big...
Tim: One person knows this. It's actually a small continent. It's an Asian thing.
Jay: Now you look like you... you're not thrilled. Was this the wife's idea? You like to...?
Tim: I like to go. Was a great place. But Greece, like any other country, the language there... It looks one solid fraternity row. It's just "Delta Ta Delta"
Is "Ta" a Greek letter? I don't think so, Tim.
Tim: I had no idea what I was saying.
Jay: What is that song? "Greece is the word..." Isn't that what they sing when you land or something? "Greece is..." Maybe I'm thinking of something else.
The audience laughs.
Jay: Probably... Did you have a language problem? Could you converse with the
Tim: The worst it was, we went to have a lobster dinner and the best that came out was, "I'd like to wash my trousers in your lobster sauce." That's all I could....
Tim: Not a good thing in Greece, they don't like that.
Jay: Are you known there? Do people, "Oh, Tim Allen." Do they know...
Tim: After this vacation, yes I was known there.
Jay: The ugly American?
Tim: Yeah, the ugly American. Actually, our show is in, I think, Italy. And it's "Poppo<?> Braccoli<?>" - The man who breaks things, so in Greece, they get it...
Jay: The man who breaks things?
Tim: So the Greeks get an Italian translation of the show on satellite.
Jay: [Italian accent] "The man who breaks things".
Tim: Yes. My life is over as I know it.
Jay: Now, your name is everywhere now. You've got these, of course, the fabulous Tim Allen dopey hammers.
Jay holds up a hammer.
Tim: You said cheesy, dopey hammers what you said.
Jay: No, dopey hammer. That is a good... Well it's thicker at the top than it is in the bottom.
Tim: I made a little ax head. I worked hard, this is a hard hammer, here in California.
Jay: So you designed...?
Tim: Yes, to make a little... I'm trying to do what...
Jay: And it's got a little mirror so you can do your hair...
Tim: It's... it's called nickel-plated, Jay.
Jay: Very nice.
Tim: Nickel-plated. I'm trying to follow one of my mentors, Paul Newman. He does that with spaghetti sauce. It's a way to do stuff for charity and also to design tools, which I love to do. So you get the process of charity and I can do...
Jay: Oh, that's good. So it all goes to...
The audience applauds.
Jay: And I see you got your own racing team now. "Tim Allen Racing Team"?
Tim: Yes, it's...
Jay: Now what's your wife's reaction? Does your wife mind you racing?
Tim: No, she's quite the racer herself. The only way we do stuff is that we do it together. So she's in the car, and like many other things in our life she does better than me, so I'm keeping her in smaller displacement cars.
Jay: Oh, I see. You don't wanna...
Tim: No, I don't wanna (have her) compete with me, cuz that's not a good thing. The wife beats you in racing...
Jay: So, who's the better driver?
Tim: Right now, because of the weight difference... My wife's quite petite woman. She's in a Formula Ford right now. She's very, very good, because... I'm sure it's just the weight difference, not because she's a better driver.
Tim looks strange and adjusts his tie.
Tim: Is it hot in here at all? Are you hot at all?
Jay: Cuz I remember, I knew you were upset the last time, a couple years ago and you were here, and you had that little Mustang and all... You know, I felt bad. After we had that race and I had won the race by such a wide margin.
Tim is really tense.
Tim: Argh! (Not a grunt!)
Jay: Well, I felt bad. In fact, I don't know if people... Can we take a look...?
Tim: Oh, here we go again with this.
They show the same clip again.
Jay: For some people that didn't see... I felt bad.
Jay: Now were you a big car guy in high school?
Tim: You know... You're really starting to tick me off. He's got this Colborough<?> made who knows where. He breaks every rule there is. I get in a brand new Mustang and I missed a shift. When we were kids, it was not supposed to be a race. It was supposed to be, who could lay the longest patch of rubber. That's what it was.
Jay: That was the sign of maturity.
Tim: No, no. You and your crew, get me out there, and makes sure I'm humiliated. When I was growing up at the...
Jay: I feel bad...
Tim: [He is really mad] Oh, ho ho ho.
Jay: What, you wanna see who can lay the longest patch of...
Tim: Now, I've worked it out. I've brought the same Mustang. I've made a few modifications, just to make sure there was fair...
Jay: Now I didn't even bring any. I feel bad.
Tim: Now would you like to... We're gonna try this one more time.
The audience applauds. Tim and Jay get up. Tim takes off his jacket. His microphone box on his back is quite visible. They leave the studio. Cut to outside. Tim's microphone box has mysteriously disappeared. I guess they taped this part earlier. They both walk by a giant trailer with "Ford Mustang" and the Home Improvement logo on it. They stand by Tim's Mustang painted white. It has both the "Home Improvement" and "Binford" logo printed on it. Besides the trailer stand three men. They look like a pit crew.
Jay: This isn't your car here. Is it, Tim?
Tim: Ha, ha. You wish. No, it's over here.
Jay: Hey, what is this? This looks like a whole racing... truck or something.
Tim: Boy, that's interesting. That's a nice looking truck, isn't it?
Jay: Wait a minute. Tim! Tim, this looks like... an Indianapolis pit crew or something. These guys look like...
Tim: Ignore them, they'll go away. Don't... don't make eye contact.
Jay: Is this your car?
Tim: Yeah, the same Mustang we used the last time we did this.
Jay: Tim, this looks a lot different than a stock<?> Mustang.
Tim: Well, I made a few, simple modifications, anybody can do in their home. For safety's sake. A few simple modifications, Jay. My wife drives it. You know, she wanted...
Jay: This is your wife's car?
Jay: Tim, this... This just isn't really fair. You know, I just... drove my wife's car to work today, too. I feel bad. I can't compete against this.
Tim: That's too bad, Jay. You don't wanna do it, we wouldn't have to do it.
Jay: Well, I guess we can do it. Let me show you my wife's car. It's a 6-cylinder Buick... a Grand National.
Tim: But Jay, this is a dragster. This is a professional drag...
Jay: No, no. It's just a V6 Buick with an extra turbo charger.
You can hear the audience is excited.
Tim: This is your wife's car?
Jay: Just a few, simple modifications.
Tim: All right. Let's get going.
Tim gets in his car. It's not easy. There isn't much room.
Tim: Yeah. Your wife's car.
They both start their engines. Tim speeds up and burns rubber!
Female voice: Tim Allen - 159 feet.
Audience applauds. Jay speeds up but he doesn't do as well. Audience applauds.
Female voice: Jay Leno - 88 feet.
Tim: Well, that was fun.
Tim: That 6 cylinders just can't beat horse power, Jay.
Two girls with flowers and champagne appear.
Jay: Hey. Wow. Champagne and roses.
Tim: This is fun! Girls... I was just thinking of something. What if our wives are watching this?
Jay: Oh my God. They're gonna kill us.
Tim and Jay: WE'RE RUINING THEIR CARS!!! AAAARRRRRGGGGH!!!!
They both get enter the studio again.
Jay: Tim Allen. All right. Tim, I know you gotta run. Thank you very much.
Tim: You're welcome. Bye, everybody.
Jay: Be right back with Larry Miller and Jennifer McCarthy, right after this.
Tim leaves the set. Rest of segments removed.
Segments transcribed by Jan Nielsen.