Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title


Episode No# 001
Written by:
Carmen Finestra, David McFadzean, Matt Williams
Directed by:
John Pasquin
Transcript by:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Guest Cast
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Lisa - Pamela Denise Anderson
Phil (Handyman) - John Cothran, Jr.
[Opening credits]
Episode begins in the living room. Tim is watching "Tool Time" on the TV. The "Tool Time" theme music plays.
Lisa: [On the TV] Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Tim: [On the TV] Thank you. Thank you very much.
[Tim runs over to the backyard]
Tim: Hey guys! My show's on. Come on in and watch.
[Brad is playing in the backyard. Tim opens the door]
Brad: No thanks.
[Randy goes outside]
Randy: We're playing.
Tim: Ohh. [Jill enters with an ironing board] Uh, Jill! I've gotta spot all warmed up on the couch. "Tool Time's" ready to begin. C'mon.
Jill: Couldn't get the boys to watch, huh?
Tim: They were a little busy.
Jill: So am I. [Jill puts down the ironing board. Tim sits down on the couch]
Tim: Yeah, your loss. It's a great episode, classic. I was showing everybody how to install a deadbolt lock. Yeah!
Tim: [On the TV] I'm putting my toolbelt on. That's got that taken care of. There we go. Hear that snap? That means it's on. Tool tip, toolbelt fashion tip from old Tim: hike it up so you avoid that unsightly butt crack because who wants to see that! [The "Tool Time" audience laughs]
Cut to the "Tool Time" set.
Tim: Oh, there's nothing like the feeling of raw hide and cold steel hanging on your hips. Hah. My wife says [Tim walks over to the tool rack and takes off an awl. Al is sweeping up behind the bench] when I put on this bad boy, I turn into a wild, hairy, disgusting ape. [Grunts] Huh! Y'know, I don't think women understand the feeling of raw hide and steel vice gripping monkey pliers, dato head cut, flat jig, mitre jig, box hat, glue, [Grunting] ah-ah-ah! Busy day, today. Al and I are gonna roughen that house, [Al salutes] finish hanging that garage door, but first, we're gonna install a twin-cylinder deadbolt security lock in this door. Morning Al.
Al: Morning Tim. [Al brings the door over]
Tim: Always follow your instructions, always makes jobs a bit easier. We've already laid out with the template included in the kit where we're putting our holes. Using my awl here to set my drill. Alright Al, let's have the drill, please. [Al bends over to get the drill] Ow! Look at that butt crack you've got going there! [Al stands up quickly and hitches up his jeans] I think we ought to start today by spakling Al's butt crack shut, oh? [Tim holds up a can and scraper] With new patch and paint butt crack filler putty! [Al starts the drill and Tim backs away] Hey, I smell voltage. I think it's time to drill. [Tim puts down the can]
Al: A-ya, right Tim. And, uh, we'll be using one-and-a-half inch auger bit.
Tim: C'mon Al, that's a girl drill! We need a man drill, don't we?
Al: B-but Tim, er, this is the proper tool.
Tim: Yeah, I bet it is Al. Y'know men, when we want a job done right, and we want it done quick, what do we need?
Audience: MORE POWER!!
Tim: Darn right, more power! [Lisa comes out and hands Tim an industrial drill] Thank you Lisa. [Lisa leaves] Now there's raw power! [Tim starts the drill] This is the Binford series Heavy Duty Variable-Speed Drill, double reduction spur gearing, fourteen-hundred r.p.m., six-point-eight amps! [Grunting] Ah-ah-ah! [Tim starts the drill again] But you won't even be halfway through your aug before you hear this: [Tim makes a yapping mouth with his hand and speaks in a high sqeaky voice] Honey, shut that thing off, it's making too much noise. [Grunting] U-huh? Always let go of that first plate. Just makes her yell a little louder. Oh, here she comes now down the hall. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
Cut back to the TV screen in the living room.
Tim: [On the TV, in the sqeaky voice] Hey, shut that thing off. Can't you hear that thing down the big bad road. Do you know what the problem is?
Jill: Who's that supposed --
Tim: [Startled] -- hey!
Jill: Is that supposed to be me? [Jill turns off the TV]
Tim: No! That's not you.
Jill: Oh, what a relief! Then who is it?
Tim: That's, er, every wife!
Jill: Oh, yeah, like, y'know, I happen to be a wife.
Tim: Every wife but you. [Jill starts to tickle Tim and Tim pulls her onto the couch] Stop it! You'll make me go to the bathroom. [Tim tickles Jill back]
Jill: No! Let me up! Let me up! [A buzzer buzzes]
Tim: No, you started this. You're staying right there.
Jill: [Laughing] Oh, no! [The buzzer buzzes again] No, really, I have a blouse in the dryer. I have to get that out. Let me go. [Tim pulls her up and Jill goes to the dryer]
Mark: [From outside] Help!
Jill: Tim, would you go see who's killing who out there?
Tim: I can only imagine. Randy, what are you doing to your younger brother?
[Tim goes to the side door]
Randy: I'm just hanging him from the jungle gym.
Mark: Help!
Tim: Don't do that.
Cut to the backyard.
[Mark is hanging from a rope round the climbing frame. Randy is holding the rope]
Randy: He likes it!
Tim: Randy, you let go of that rope or I'm gonna hot glue your little head to the garage door! [Randy releases Mark]
Cut back to the living room.
[Brad runs back inside with a football. Jill is ironing]
Jill: No running in the house! [Tim grabs Brad]
Tim: Brad! Cover the ball with both hands so you don't fumble. Go on. [Brad runs upstairs]
Jill: Tim.
Tim: And do as your mother says; don't run in the house. I'll be back.
Jill: Where are you going?
Tim: Sears Summer Spectacular Sale! [Tim walks to the garage]
Jill: You can't go! I've got this job interview.
Tim: What job interview?
Jill: I've been telling you all this week. It's the personnel manager at King and Parkwell.
Tim: You never told me about a job interview.
Jill: Tim! Do you ever listen to me? It was the last thing that I said in bed to you last night.
Tim: No, I believe, if you recall, the last thing you said to me in bed last night was "No!" [Short pause]
Jill: You're thinking of tonight! [Jill smiles. Tim shakes his head]
Tim: [Fakes laughing] You split my sides, you really do! [Tim points at his side] Is that my liver? Look at that! Look at that!
Jill: Will you stop that. I've gotta be there in an hour and you've gotta stay here with these kids.
Tim: Fine. I'll be back in twenty minutes. [Tim looks through the Seers catalogue]
Jill: Twenty minutes! Who are you kidding? You'll be down there drooling, fondling all the tools, your eyes bugging out. You don't even look at me like that.
Tim: I would if you were two speeds and reversible!
Jill: Tim.
Tim: You won't even know I'm gone. [Tim walks over to the garage]
Jill: Tim! [Jill gets Tim's tape measure out of a drawer] Walk out that door and this goes in the trash compactor. [Jill holds the tape measure over the trash compactor]
Tim: No! That's my Binford Power Tape with posi-toggle lock.
Jill: Kiss it goodbye! [Jill drops it in and shuts the compactor. Tim comes back over]
Tim: Don't turn that thing on.
Jill: Are you staying?
Tim: Yes! God you're mean to me. [Jill kisses him. Tim opens the trash compactor] Aw! There's food boogers all over it. [Tim takes out the tape measure]
Jill: Since you're staying, would you load the dishwasher?
Tim: Why not, now that you've broken my spirit. [Tim washes the tape measure]
Jill: Tim! This job is important to me. Aren't you excited about me going back to work?
Tim: Yeah, sure.
Jill: [Imitating him] Yeah, sure. Could you maybe work up a little enthusiasm?
Tim: I'm sorry honey. Gosh I'm excited, you wont be laying around the house, mouching out with the boys and me! [Jill slaps him] Ow! Do the other side. [Jill does] Ow, I'm your love slave! [Jill keeps slapping him. Randy enters]
Randy: Is it O.K. if I go over to Tommy's?
Tim: What?
Randy: Is it O.K. if I go over to Tommy's?
Tim: Yeah, sure. [Tim bends to put a plate in the dishwasher]
Jill: Honey, honey, don't put that in the dishwasher. You have to rinse it off first.
Tim: You've gotta wash the dish before you put it in the dishwasher?
Jill: Yeah. That spray's not strong enough for egg yolk. [Jill packs up the ironing board]
Tim: It would be if we had a man's dishwasher. But no, you insisted on a lady's [Tim makes the yapping hand again] softistic core series with little tiny buttons that no man can touch --
Jill: -- I am so sorry the grunting, hairy ape model was sold out. [Grunts] Ah!
Tim: [Grunts] Uh!
Jill: Just rinse the dishes. [Jill leaves]
[Tim studies the dishwasher]
Tim: Y'know, honey, I could fix the spray on this dishwasher. [Jill runs back in]
Jill: No, Tim! It's not broken!
Tim: I know, it just needs "more power!"
[Jill stands in front of the dishwasher]
Jill: Everytime you fix something, the fire department shows up!
Tim: But this would be different because I've got this --
Jill: -- no! No! [Jill puts her hand over Tim's mouth] I am not gonna let you ruin a perfectly good dishwasher just so you can get out your tools and play.
Tim: [Through Jill's hand] Six horse --
Jill: -- no --
Tim: -- one --
Jill: -- no --
Tim: -- one --
Jill: -- no!
Tim: Play? I host my own home improvement show.
Jill: Don't - touch - the - dishwasher!
[Jill leaves]
Tim: [Imitating Jill] Don't - touch - the - dishwasher! [Tim studies the dishwasher] I'll show her. I'll strap that 0-4-27 sidearm V8 [Jill appears behind him] on that son-of-a-b-word. Dual quads, headben header, this EKM, 700 horse, blowing everthing off every dish in there, including that little sissy flower pattern!
Jill: I heard that! [Tim turns round]
Tim: Hey! This is my house, that is my dishwasher, and I will rewire it if I want to.
Jill: No! You will not rewire it and screw it up like you did the blender. [Jill points at the blender] End of discussion. [Jill walks off]
Tim: What is your problem with the blender? [Tim goes over to the blender] It's the only blender on the block that can puree a brick!
Cut to the living room, later that day.
[Jill enters wearing a suit]
Jill: Tim! I'm going to that interview. I'll see you in a couple of hours.
Tim: Good luck honey, and remember what Newt Rockney said: Hit them low and hit them hard!
Jill: I'll do that. [They kiss] Oh, oh, oh, and remember honey, don't touch the dishwasher.
Tim: Honey, I'm not one of the kids. You only have to tell me once.
Jill: Yeah. [Jill leaves]
Cut to the backyard.
[Wilson is planing a door. Tim walks to the fence. Mark is sitting on the climbing frame]
Tim: Hey Wilson?
Wilson: Hi Tim!
Tim: I'm gonna rewire that dishwasher. Do you still have that compressor for sale?
Wilson: No. no, no, no, traded that for a set of snow tyres and an accordion.
Tim: Shoot!
Wilson: Dishwasher broken, huh? [Tim picks up a football]
Tim: No, I'm just gonna show my wife who's man of this house.
Wilson: Hm-hm-hm-hm-hm. [Wilson comes over to the fence]
Tim: I told her I'm gonna rewire that dishwasher, she jumps all over me. Sometimes I don't know about her.
Wilson: This isn't about her.
Tim: It's not?
Wilson: No, no, no, no. This is about you. The reason you're having problems with yor wife is because you don't know who you are, as a man. [Wilson goes back to his door]
Tim: I don't have a problem in that area, Wilson. [Wilson comes back to the fence]
Wilson: Not what I mean, Tim. A lot of men feel lost, confused. You see Tim, the Industrial Revolution took the adult male out of the home. Boys were left without an older man to teach them how to be men. We need to get back to something more primitive. Attavistic.
Tim: [Grunting] Oh-oh! Attavistic.
Wilson: Hm.
Tim: How d'you spell that?
Wilson: Let's just say primitive.
Tim: Alright.
Wilson: Men need to spend more time around the campfire with their elders, like in ancient days, seeking wisdom, telling stories, sharing.
Tim: Would these men all have to be naked?
Wilson: No, no, no, that's optional. You see Tim, it's time for men to reclaim the male spirit. [Wilson goes back to his door]
Tim: [Grunting] Yeah! And I'm gonna start by reclaiming that dishwasher. Mark! Get your brothers. We're off to Sears. [Tim blows into the football and makes a horn sound] Hoo-ooo! [Tim goes inside]
Cut to the kitchen, later that day.
[Tim and Brad are standing round a large box. Mark and Randy are sitting on the worktops]
Tim: Alright, we've gotta get this done before your mom gets home, O.K? Take a look at this bad boy. [Tim takes a compressor out of the box] That's a Finley two-stage, five-horse, Blastmaster compressor. All through the inside is stainless steel diaphragm --
Randy: -- Dad, why are we doing this?
Tim: Randy, it's a house full of men. We're reclaiming the male spirit. Huh?
Brad: By working on a dishwasher?
Tim: It's either that or sitting round a campfire telling stories, naked! [Tim laughs. Brad and Randy look at each other and then leave, fast!] Hey, hey, hey, hey! [Tim goes after them] Where are you guys going? I'm kidding around! [Tim lets them go] Just you and me, Mark, unless you've got something else to do.
Mark: No. I wanna be with you. [Mark takes off his T-shirt]
Tim: Great. [Tim looks at Mark] What-what are you doing?
Mark: Getting naked!
Tim: You don't have to get all the way naked. A-alright. Let's have bare-chested men's work. [Tim takes off his sweatshirt] Come over here. [Mark jumps down from the worktop and goes over to Tim] Alright. Sit down here. [Tim crouches down] Alright, first up, let's see them muscles. [Mark poses. Tim poses. Grunting] Yay!
Mark: [Grunting] Yay!
Tim: [Tim does one arm. Grunting] Ohh!
Mark: [Mark does one arm. Grunting] Ohh!
Tim: [Tim does the other arm. Grunting] Oh-oh-ohh!
Mark: [Mark does the other arm. Grunting] Oh-oh-ohh!
Tim: [Grunting] Uhh-hhh?
Mark: [Grunting] Uhh-hhh?
Tim: Yeah, I think you're ready for your new [Tim pulls a toy toolbelt out of a bag] "Hank the Handyman" toolbelt. [Tim puts the toolbelt on Mark]
Mark: [Grunting] Ohh!
Tim: Hey, hey, alright, let's take a look at you. [Mark turns round] Phew! Little baby butt crack there. [Tim adjusts Mark's jeans] Alright. Number one rule in home repair is safety. We're gonna rewire a major appliance, we've gotta cut the electricity off, alright? [Tim and Mark go into the garage] C'mon out here.
Cut to the garage.
[Tim and Mark enter. Tim turns on the lights]
Tim: There. That [Tim opens the fuse box] is the fuse box. The electrical nerve center of our house.
Mark: Wow!
Tim: You're darn right, wow. But now we don't have to cut off all the electricity, just the section of the house we're working on. That would be the kitchen. Up there, er, kitchen... Ha-ha. Boy, I shouldn't have labelled those in pencil, should I? They're all faded and everything. Look. Well kitchen's K. [Tim switches the fuse] Yeah, that's the kitchen. There we go. [Tim shuts the fuse box again] Alright, Hank the Handyman. C'mon, let's go.
[They go back into the kitchen. Mark shuts the garage door behind him]
Cut to the kitchen.
[Tim and Mark go over to the dishwasher]
Tim: We've gotta take off that access panel. [Tim takes it off] Alright. [Tim looks inside] Whoa! Look at all the wires in there! [Tim takes out his wire snippers]
Mark: Do you know what all those wires do?
Tim: Yeah, of course. I wouldn't have taken it off if I didn't. Ground, we're looking for ground. Now red is all--, red... yellow, see, the sun is yellow, it heats the ground. That's how the name started. [Tim snips the yellow wire. There is a bang and a spark. The snippers fly backwards. Tim jumps up, his arm numb. Tim goes to the garage] Was that card right? [Tim goes into the garage and screams. Mark goes over to the garage. Tim comes out again] Ho. Shake it off. [Tim starts shaking his arm and dancing around. Mark joins in] Aw! Phew!
Mark: Are you alright, Dad?
Tim: [Trying to laugh] Yeah! [Tim winces] I-I did that to teach you an important lesson.
Mark: What's that, Dad?
Tim: Well, when you work with electricity, it's a good idea to shut it all off. Now, follow me upstairs and I'll show you how to treat a severe electrical burn.
[They go upstairs]
[Commercial break]
Cut to the kitchen, later that day.
[Tim has just finished fitting the compressor. Mark is sitting at the table. The phone rings. Tim answers it]
Tim: Hello?... No, Jill's not here... I'll take a message, sure... Really... Yeah, I'll tell her. [Tim puts the phone back] Mom didn't get the job.
Mark: She didn't?
Tim: No. [Tim goes over to Mark] Listen, she's gonna really need us now. When she gets home, she's gonna feel real sad. So, why don't you go upstairs and wash up, cuz she just loves it when you're all clean. [Tim picks up the compressor box and takes it to the backyard]
Cut to the backyard.
[Randy comes running in through the bushes]
Randy: Dad! Dad!
Tim: Yeah Randy? [Randy is carrying a turtle shell. Tim enters with the compressor box. Randy goes over to him]
Randy: Look at this neat turtle shell. I found it down at the creek. [Tim takes the shell from him]
Tim: You didn't yank the turtle out of there, did you?
Randy: No.
Tim: If I go down to that creek and find some confused turtle swimming without a shell, I'm gonna --
Randy: -- Dad. [Randy takes the shell back from Tim] I'm gonna go make it into a drum. [Randy goes inside. Tim shakes his head and takes the compressor box to the bins]
Tim: Wilson, that's the best part about being a boy, is collecting all that useless junk.
Wilson: I wouldn't call it useless, Tim. The ancient Malaysians used the turtle shell as an aphrodisiac.
Tim: Turtle shell?
Wilson: Hmm.
Tim: Wouldn't that hurt, putting it on!
[Jill returns. Cut to the kitchen and Jill entering from the garage]
Jill: Tim!
[Cut back to the backyard. Tim quickly takes off his toolbelt]
Tim: I'm out here, honey. [Tim hides his toolbelt in a bin]
Jill: [From inside] Tim! [Tim runs over to the garden chairs]
[Cut to the living room. Jill puts her briefcase and purse down on the table]
Jill: Keep the boys off the phone, I think I'm gonna hear about that job.
[Cut back to the backyard. Jill enters]
Tim: Honey, actually I -- [Jill runs over to Tim]
Jill: -- I'm so excited. Oh, gosh. You wouldn't believe it. It was the best interview. Ever. [Jill kisses Tim]
Tim: Really, today?
Jill: Oh yeah. I nailed it. There is no way on Earth that I am not gonna get this job.
Tim: The Earth is such a big place.
Jill: [Laughing] No, really, really. You should have seen me. I was so impressive. I looked this vice-president right in the eye and I said. [Pause] Is that grease on your hand?
Tim: No. That's an electrical burn.
Jill: Did you touch the dishwasher?
Tim: [Thinking about this] Did I touch the dishwasher?
Jill: You're a dead man! [Jill runs inside. Tim follows her. Wilson looks up at them]
Tim: Jill, hold on!
Jill: What did you do? Show me what you did.
Cut to the living room.
[Jill and Tim enter. Jill goes over to the kitchen. Tim follows her]
Tim: Boy, are you cute when you're panicking. That big vein in your forehead just sticks out.
[Jill opens the cupboard next to the dishwasher and sees the compressor]
Jill: Huuuh! What the hell is that?
Tim: That is the power source to your new dishwasher.
Jill: Take it out!
Tim: No, no, no, no.
Jill: No, take it out now!
Tim: You don't like the fact that I improved the dishwasher. Remember that yoke that wouldn't come off the plate, this morning. [Tim picks up the plate and puts it in the dishwasher] Watch this. [Tim switches on the dishwasher and it hums into life] D'you hear that hum? [Grunting] Hoh! That's a Finley two-stage, five-horse, Blastmaster compressor. Air delivery systems, 18 cubic feet per square minute. That should say testosterone right on there! [Jill looks tense] Cuz that, that is a man's dishwasher! [The back of the dishwasher explodes! Jill jumps back, a look of horror on her face. Tim winces. Jill turns to Tim, angry. Tim looks towards the stairs] Hey, Mark, you didn't tighten that hex bolt like I asked you to!
[Randy and Mark coming running over to the dishwasher]
Randy: Alright!
[Jill runs over to them]
Tim: Stay away, stay back.
Jill: Hey, hey, stay back. I don't want you to get hurt. There's broken stuff there. [Randy runs off]
Randy: I'm gonna tell Tommy. He's gotta --
Jill: -- no, no, don't use the phone! I'm waiting for a call about my job.
Mark: Daddy already got that call. [Jill turns to look at Tim. Tim looks uncomfortable] Sorry. You didn't get the job, Mom.
Tim: Mark. [Tim points upstairs and Mark leaves. Jill shakes her head, sighing]
Jill: I didn't get the job? [Tim switches off the dishwasher]
Tim: Hmm. I-I wanted to wait for the right time to tell you. Then the dishwasher exploded. That wasn't it. [The dishwasher sparks again] I am really, really sorry. You alright?
Jill: I'll get the broom. [Jill goes to get the broom]
Tim: Don't you - you don't touch this. I will clean all this up. I'll get -- [Jill walks past with the broom, just missing Tim] Hey! Look on the bright side, honey. It wasn't a full load! [Jill starts cleaning up]
Jill: I asked you not to touch the dishwasher but you didn't listen, did you? Fine. I am not gonna get angry. I mean, makes more work for me, but I don't mind. I like to work. It's just, y'know, too bad nobody'll hire me.
Tim: You don't have to feel bad --
Jill: -- don't tell me how to feel.
Tim: I'm just saying if it were me. When I was --
Jill: -- it's not you Tim. It's me.
Tim: What I mean is, you don't have to work. [Short pause]
Jill: You don't really want me to work. Do you?
Tim: No, no, no, no. I make enough money for both of us --
Jill: -- no, this is not about money. This is, this is about me having a life outside of this house. My, my autonomy.
Tim: Your autonomy?
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: How d'you spell that?
Jill: Don't start. [Jill continues to clean up]
Tim: Sweetheart, what you've gotta do --
Jill: -- this is great! Now I've gotta take advice from a guy who prances around a TV studio, grunting like a baboon.
Tim: What does that have to do with it?
Jill: While Miss. Binford Tool Girl flashes her big headlights.
Tim: Lisa?
Jill: No. Al.
Tim: What, what does Lisa have to do with this? She didn't take your job. She's gotta job. [Jill looks really annoyed and walks off] What? [The dishwasher sparks again and Tim jumps out of the way]
Cut to the backyard.
[There is a knife stuck in the back doorframe. Tim enters and removes the knife]
Tim: What a mess. [Wilson is barbecuing]
Wilson: Hi Tim!
Tim: Hi Wilson. Boy does that smell good. Baby back ribs?
Wilson: No, no, no. Squirrel. I tell you Tim. This is what it's all about. Catch of the day cooking. Sun setting. Men standing around the campfire, telling stories. [Tim sits on the back porch]
Tim: Mind if I tell you a story, Wilson?
Wilson: Campfire's lit, good neighbor.
Tim: Jill doesn't get the job she wants, I tell her not to feel bad, she gets angry.
Wilson: Hm-hm-hm-hm. Hm-hm.
Tim: Alright. So then I tell her what she should do, she jumps all over me. And then walks away.
Wilson: Sounds like you were having an asymmetrical conversation.
Tim: Asymmetrical?
Wilson: Hm.
Tim: How d'you spell that?
Wilson: Let's just say one-sided. You see Tim, by nature, men are problem solvers but Jill didn't want you to solve her problem. [Tim comes over to the fence]
Tim: She didn't?
Wilson: Oh, no, no. She just wanted you to listen while she shared her feelings.
Tim: Just stand there and listen? W-wouldn't, wouldn't that be like not doing anything?
Wilson: Sometimes the best thing you can do, Tim, is nothing.
Tim: [Grunting] Oh. Jill got mad at me because I didn't listen to her!
Wilson: No, I think she got mad at you because you blew up the damn dishwasher.
Cut to the "Tool Time" set, the next day.
[Tim is sanding a table top. Tim stops and takes off his goggles]
Tim: People often ask me, they say, Tim, why is your show so darn popular? I'll tell you what I think. I think that working with your hands puts you in touch with something primitive, almost "adavistic." It's almost like reclaiming the male spirit, if you will. I think you know where I'm headed with this one. [Tim goes over to the bench] I'm talking about masculinism. A flat out, big pectoral, look at my deltoids, hairy-chested celebration of men. [Grunting] Uh-uh-uh-uh!
Cut to Tim on the TV screen.
Tim: [On the TV] But, this wouldn't be anti-female. No, that's all wrong if you think that. Just like this sander. [Tim picks up the sander] It vibrates in harmony with the grain of the wood.
[Pull back to the living room. Jill is watching the show]
Tim: [On the TV] We men should learn how to vibrate in harmony with our wives. So if you, [Tim comes over to Jill] if you have an occasion, have a disagreement [Tim is wearing washing up gloves] with your wife, you should be man enough to not be asymmetrical. Because that would be one-sided. Which would, you should be man enough to, to look at her and say I'm sorry, Jill. Or Betty, or Ruth, or whatever her name would be. Anyway, let's finish sanding that table. [Tim continues sanding the table]
Jill: What you said on the show today was really sweet, Tim.
Tim: I don't know whether you noticed, but your name is Jill and I used the name Jill. Maybe you caught the hidden double meaning.
Jill: It was subtle, dear, but I did grasp it. [Tim sits on the couch next to her]
Tim: Am I forgiven?
Jill: Yeah, forgiven. [They kiss]
Tim: [On the TV] And that's it for me. Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. [The "Tool Time" theme music starts] I'll finish up today with today's household tip. A very important one it is, as all of our tips are, remember folks, always, and I do mean always, label that fuse box in ink! [Grunts] Uh! See you.
Cut to the living room, later.
Tim: Y'know Jill, I still think you're making a big mistake not letting me install that dishwasher.
Jill: I have other plans for you.
[Jill leads Tim towards the garage]
Tim: You do?
Jill: Yeah, when was the, uh, last time that we spent any, uh, serious time together in a back seat of a car?
Tim: When Brad threw up that pizza! [Jill laughs]
Jill: No, no, no, really. You apologized to me, I think I should apologize to you.
Tim: Really?
Jill: Yeah, I really want to do it right.
Tim: Yeah?
Jill: Uh-huh. [Jill goes into the garage]
Tim: Back seat. Garage. [Tim takes off his shirt and goes into the garage] Just like our honeymoon?
Jill: C'mon. [Tim's pants are thrown out. Jill comes back into the kitchen and picks up his pants] Here. Let me get that. And that. [Jill shuts and locks the garage door!]
Cut to the kitchen, later that day.
[Jill is with a handyman]
Phil: This Handsaver Lady Soft-touch is one of our most popular models.
[Tim appears at the back door wearing nothing but his toolbelt with some rags hanging from it. Tim knocks on the door]
Tim: Hey! Let me in!
Phil: Hey lady, there's a crazy man in your backyard.
[Tim tries another door]
Phil: Is that the guy with the tool show on TV?
Tim: Hey! Let me in! [Phil waves at Tim] Stop waving at me! Her! Get her!
Phil: What's he doing now? [Jill is reading the dishwasher manuel]
Jill: I think he's trying to reclaim his male spirit.
[Tim knocks on the door again. Jill smiles at him]

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