Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

Yule Better Watch Out

Episode No# 012
Written by:
Billy Riback
Directed by:
John Pasquin
Transcript by:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Guest Cast
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Lisa - Pamela Denise Anderson
Fireman #1 - David Warshofsky
Fireman #2 - Gary Bayer
[Opening credits]
Episode begins at the "Tool Time" studio. Tim is sitting in a chair next to a Christmas tree.
Tim: The important thing to remember this holiday season is make it a safe one. Which brings us to today's "Tool Time Tip." Lisa. [Lisa enters, carrying a wire]
Lisa: Now be careful with this Tim. [Lisa hands Tim the wire]
Tim: I will. Thank you Lisa. [Tim stands up] This is a completely frayed wire. [Lisa adds some decorations to the Christmas tree. Tim walks over to the bench] And you never want to plug in a frayed wire. [Al is standing by the bench, wearing a Christmas hat] Al, do you suppose they call it a frayed because it's scared of something?
Al: I really doubt it, Tim.
Tim: Oh, I do too Al. [Tim taps the bell on the end of Al's hat] Well, Al will now show us how to safely tape up that wire. [Al takes the wire] Be careful. [Tim activates a ratchet screwdriver. Al jumps. Tim laughs] Merry Christmas Al. You know, there's nothing more fun in the world than sitting around a beautifully decorated Christmas tree [Tim takes off his tool belt and goes over to the Christmas tree] in your home, [Tim hands his tool belt to Lisa. Lisa leaves] grunting your favorite Christmas carol. [Tim takes his jacket from the hanger] That brings one to mind. [Tim puts on his jacket. Grunting Jingle Bells]
Ho-ho-ho- [Tim ducks behind the Christmas tree and peaks out the other side] -ho-ho!
C'mon Al, hit it! [Tim points to Al. Al does nothing]
Everybody, c'mon!
Tim & the Audience: [Grunting]
Tim: That's the spirit! Y'know, the only problem I have with Christmas trees, you spend so much time decorating the front of it, you never get to see the back of it. So I got this idea from an old college turntable, maybe we could motorise this thing. So I used a 10 Amp, heavy duty, synchronous motor, [Lisa enters with another decoration] triple-reduction gears, and a four-to-one final drive.
Al: Well excuse me Tim. Are you sure you connected the spur gear to the final drive instead of the motor output shaft?
Tim: Al, I'm insulted. You know who you're talking to?
Al: Yes I do, Tim.
Tim: There's more than one way to do it, Al. Lisa, plug it in for me.
Lisa: Sure thing, Tim. [Lisa plugs it in]
Al: Well, it's just that --
Tim: -- Al, please. [Lisa switches on the motor and the tree rotates, slowly. Tim looks at Al, smugly]
Al: Well, son-of-a-gun.
Tim: When you know what you're doing folks, anything is possible. [Tim sits down in his chair. The motor sparks and the tree speeds up. Decorations are flung off the tree. Tim, Al and Lisa take cover] Incoming!
Cut to the living room.
[Jill is sitting at the table, writing Christmas cards. Mark enters with a long piece of paper]
Mark: Mom, can I have another piece of paper?
Jill: Honey, that Christmas list [Jill takes the paper from Mark] looks a little long. Let me see that. You know, I don't think that Santa is going to be able to bring you everything on this list cuz that would make his sleigh too heavy.
Mark: Er, I'll cross off the heaviest things.
Jill: O.K.
Mark: Cockerspaniel. Bye Floppy. [Mark crosses it off his list]
Jill: You know, I think that you should pick out the thing that you really want and put a star next to that.
Mark: O.K. A remote control dinosaur.
Jill: O.K. [Mark goes over to the couch. Tim enters from the basement, carrying a large box full of decorations] Tim! There's like twelve boxes of decorations. [Tim puts the box down on a chair] How many are you gonna bring up?
Tim: One more out of the basement.
Jill: And that's it?
Tim: One more out of the basement and a couple out of my car.
Jill: How many is a couple?
Tim: Ten.
Jill: [Jill laughs. The oven timer rings. Jill gets up to take the baking out] I know why you're doing this. [Tim starts sorting through the box of decorations]
Tim: I have the Christmas spirit.
Jill: You just can't stand that Doc Johnson always wins that Christmas decoration contest.
Tim: You always think I'm competing with Doc Johnson.
Jill: Oh, it doesn't bother you that he's added those extra three giant candles on his roof?
Tim: There's four of them and this little dancing elf, but that doesn't bother me.
Jill: Well, don't set fire to the roof [Jill takes some Christmas cookies out of the oven] like you did last year.
Tim: I didn't set fire, it was an electrical short.
Jill: Well I just don't want to have to drive you to the emergency room again.
Tim: Wait. Wait a minute. [Tim comes over to Jill] Except for lasr year, when was the last time you drove me to the emergency room?
Jill: The eighties.
Tim: Oh, you mess up one decade and you'll never let me forget it! [Jill laughs]
Jill: Yeah, well. Why don't you just try taking a year off and not compete with Doctor Johnson?
Tim: Some thanks I get from trying to spread a little Christmas cheer.
Jill: You're spreading around something but it ain't Christmas cheer. [Brad & Randy enter through the front door]
Tim: Hi guys. [Tim goes back down to the basement]
Jill: Hey, hey, [Brad & Randy take off their jackets] how did the try-outs for the Christmas pageant go?
Brad: Terrible! I'm a shepherd again!
Jill: Aw, well honey, the shepherd is a very important part of the Christmas story. [Brad & Randy come over to Jill]
Brad: I don't have any lines.
Randy: That's because you blew it, you stooge! [Randy gets himself a drink from the fridge] He was trying out for one of the wise men and he said they were carrying gold and Frankenstein.
Brad: So! You only play the stupid innkeeper. [Tim enters with another box and a large cut-out Santa]
Tim: Stupid innkeeper? How many lines does the stupid innkeeper have? [Randy sits down at the counter]
Randy: One lousy lone.
Tim, Jill, Brad & Randy: "There's no room at the inn!"
Tim: I've got an idea. Right after you say your line "There's no room at the inn," add this: "You should have called our 1-800 reservation hot line."
Jill: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't listen to your father, Randy. You're gonna be a wonderful innkeeper.
Randy: Well I wanted to play Joseph but they said there were too many lines for me.
Jill: Too many lines? You have a wonderful memory.
Tim: Who got the part?
Randy: George Lonnigan.
Jill: George Lonnigan? He couldn't remember the words to Happy Birthday at your party.
Randy: I know, but what can I say. His dad built the set.
Jill: W-ah. That is just favoratism. Tim, you should have built the set.
Tim: [Tim thinks about this] Boy, is, is that the voice of the Christmas spirit I hear?
Jill: He forgot the words to Happy Birthday, Tim. Is that the Joseph you want? What's he gonna say? "Meet my wife, the Virgin, duh, Sheila?" [Tim laughs and goes into the garage]
Randy: Mom, we don't care if we're in that pageant.
Jill: Yes you do! This family has a Christmas spirit. When I'm finished sewing your costumes, you're gonna be the best dressed Hebrews in Bethlehem. [Jill goes upstairs. Brad goes over to Mark on the couch]
Brad: Mark, what're you doing?
Mark: Making up my list for Santa Claus.
Brad: [Sighs] Are you kidding? [Brad takes the list from Mark] Mom and Dad aren't gonna buy you all this stuff. [Brad sits down in the armchair]
Mark: Why should they? Santa will make it.
Brad: Mark, are you gonna be a dork your whole life?
Mark: I hope not!
Brad: Randy, he's making a list for Santa Claus. [Randy comes over]
Randy: Mark, you're too old to believe in Santa Claus. Kids are gonna start to make fun of you.
Mark: What are you talking about?
Randy: I hate to break it to you, but there is no Santa Claus.
Mark: [Pause] You're lying. Who drinks the milk and eats the chocolate-chip cookies that I leave out for him?
Brad: Oh, Dad. He loves chocolate-chip cookies.
Mark: You guys are poop-heads. [Mark gets up and takes his list from Brad]
Randy: Well, ah. [Randy sits next to Mark on the couch] O.K., fine. Here's the truth. There used to be a Santa Claus but he died six years ago.
Brad: Yep. You just missed out. [Brad stands up]
Mark: Santa Claus isn't dead. [Randy stands up]
Randy: Yes he is. He had a terrible accident with one of his reindeer. Blitzen fell on him.
Mark: [Beat] He's really dead.
Brad: Kicked the bucket,
Randy: Bought the dirt farm.
Brad: Six feet under.
Randy: Pushing up the daisies.
Brad: Deader than a doornail.
Randy: Stiff as a board.
Brad: Cold as ice. [Brad & Randy go upstairs. Mark looks at a Santa decoration which falls over. Mark looks upset]
Cut to the living room, later that day.
[Jill enters, carrying some gold cloth and a box. Randy is watching TV]
Jill: Randy, turn off the TV and come here. I have some great stuff for your costume.
Randy: What now? [Randy goes over to Jill at the table]
Jill: Well come here and see. [Jill takes the gold cloth] This is your cape. [Jill wraps the cloth around Randy] Just put this around you.
Randy: Mom, this is gold. I'm just an innkeeper.
Jill: Hey, you are a very successful innkeeper. Now this is just great. And it will really look good with the hat that I got you. [Jill opens the box and takes out a huge, red padded hat and puts it on Randy. Jill laughs] Perfect. [Tim enters]
Tim: Hi Jill. Hello Ali Baba. [Tim bows at Randy]
Randy: Dad!
Jill: He's an innkeeper!
Randy: Yeah.
Tim: Well, what inn are Mary and Joseph staying at this year? Caesar's palace?
Jill: [To Tim] You can go now. [To Randy] You look terrific. Now let me hear you say your line.
Randy: There's no room at the inn. [Tim goes into the backyard]
Jill: Honey, I think you need to say it with a little more feeling.
Randy: [Fake crying] There's no room at the inn! [Randy cries into Jill's shoulder]
Cut to the backyard
[Wilson is in his yard]
Tim: Hi Wilson. Do you have that old diesel generator? I'm gonna light up this revolving Santa on my roof.
Wilson: Well I'm sorry Tim. I loaned that to the good Doctor.
Tim: What?
Wilson: Well, he did ask for it first. I could give you some tinsel and a nine Volt battery.
Tim: That's pretty funny Wilson.
Wilson: Tim, I sense some competition between you and the good Doctor.
Tim: No, I'm just decorating my house. I notice you don't decorate your house at Christmas though.
Wilson: Well actually Tim, I decorate within. I have a tree in my heart, a wreath in my mind, and a star in my soul.
Tim: And you plug it in your belly button! [Brad enters that backyard]
Brad: Dad! Dad! Doctor Johnson just put up two huge spotlights.
Tim: What?
Wilson: Joyeux Noël, Tim.
Tim: And to you too Wilson. I didn't even see any of that stuff. I just looked over there. [Tim picks up a pair of binoculars, climbs a ladder and looks towards Doc Johnson's house] What did you see? Those aren't spotlights! Those are seven thousand Watt xenon super-troopers. That guy is sick! [Tim picks up his cut-out Santa] It's you and me Santa against the Doctor! Come on buddy. [Tim climbs up to the roof]
Cut to the roof
[Tim is fixing an elf in position. Brad is watching from a window. Tim edges towards the window]
Brad: This is cool, Dad!
Tim: Thanks. [Tim sits down on the roof] Alright, we're about ready to watch the trial run of Santa taking his journey from the sled over to the chimney. I put him on a modified turntable. And remember, always attach the spur gear to the final drive! [Tim plugs in the Santa and it starts to rotate]
Brad: That's awesome, Dad!
Tim: I have to get my tools and come in. [Tim tries to stand up] Boy, it is awful slippery up here. [Tim slips and falls face down on the roof] Aw! Ah! Aw! [Tim sits up. He has a hammer ice-stuck to his tongue] Ergh! Ergh! [Tim backs towards the chimney]
Brad: Dad, the hammer's frozen to your tongue!
Tim: I know it is! [The Santa rotates and hits Tim. Tim falls and gets stuck behind the Santa, which continues to bash him]
[Commercial break]
Cut to the living room, a little later
[Tim is sitting on the couch. Two firemen are trying to remove the hammer from his tongue]
Tim: Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh. [The hammer comes off]
Jill: Thank you for coming so fast, Bob.
Fireman #1: No problem Mrs. Taylor. That's our job.
Fireman #2: Does that feel better now Mr. Taylor? [Tim has a swab on his tongue]
Tim: [Garbled] Oh, much, much better.
Fireman #1: You know Mr. Taylor, kind of surprised me when I saw that hammer hanging out of your mouth there. I didn't mean to laugh.
Tim: [Garbled] That's all right there.
Fireman #1: You know Mr. Taylor, we, we watch your show all the time. I think it's really great. [Tim removes the swab]
Tim: Thanks very much.
Fireman #2: Why didn't you have Al here to help you?
Fireman #1: Yeah? I mean he's really good on the show. I love that guy.
Tim: Oh, we all love that guy. [Tim stands up]
Fireman #2: Well, we're outta here. Guess we'll probably, um, see you next Christmas!
Fireman #1: Merry Christmas. [Hands Tim the hammer]
Tim: Merry Christmas to you. Thanks a lot.
Jill: Here, have some Christmas cookies. [Jill gives them some cookies]
Fireman #1: Ah well, thank you Mrs. Taylor.
Jill: That's O.K.
Fireman #2: Merry Christmas.
Fireman #1: So long.
Jill: Merry Christmas. Bye bye.
Fireman #1: We'd better get that crowd dispersed. [The firemen open the front door. There is a group of people standing outside with cameras]
Fireman #2: Alright folks. Break it up. Show's over. We saved his tongue! [The firemen leave]
Jill: [Jill looks at Tim] Promise me you will stop this before you hurt yourself again.
Tim: I'm through. They're judging the competition in two hours. What more can I do?
Jill: You're through competing with Doc Johnson?
Tim: I'm through.
Jill: Alright. [Jill turns away and Tim curses. Jill goes into the hall. Tim sneaks over to the phone, looks up a number in the directory and dials a number. Tim looks round the corner and sees Jill going upstairs]
Tim: [Into the phone] Hello. Detroit Edison? Yup... This is a, er, Doctor Johnson here at 562 Glenville Road... Yeah. My wife and I are heading out to dinner. Could you shut the power off in exactly two hours? [Jill reappears behind Tim] What? Oh, hi Eddie... I tried this last year, huh?... Didn't work then either, did it? [Tim laughs] Yes the firemen got me down. Oh, my tongue's fine, Ed. Thanks for asking. And a Merry Christmas to you. See ya. [Tim turns round to hang up the phone and sees Jill] Oh! Hi, honey.
Jill: You were gonna turn the power off in the house of a 76-year-old retired proctologist?
Tim: If I could have gotten away with it, yes.
Jill: You're pathetic.
Tim: I'm pathetic?
Jill: [Laughing] Yeah.
Tim: How about the Christmas pageant with you?
Jill: Hey, I'm just trying to build up their self-esteem. [Jill sits down at the table]
Tim: Making them go out dressed up like the Gabor sisters? [Tim picks up Randy's innkeeper hat. Jill laughs. Mark enters]
Mark: Mom? Dad? Brad and Randy said Santa died six years ago.
Jill: [Jill looks at Tim, shocked] They told you that he was dead? [Jill sits Mark on her lap]
Tim: Well, that was a little extreme, he, son, I think he's old but he's, he's not dead. [Tim sits down]
Mark: So Santa's alive.
Jill: [Pause] Yeah. You sat on his lap at the mall.
Mark: But there are a lot of malls. How can he be at every one?
Tim: He's real fast for a fat guy!
Jill: Actually honey, I think that those guys at the mall are Santa's helpers, y'know, the way Al is Daddy's helper.
Tim: Right.
Mark: So they do all the work!
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: They assist Santa like Al assists me.
Mark: Oh, that makes sense.
Jill: See.
Mark: Santa's got to be alive cuz you and Dad wouldn't lie to me. Thanks. [Mark leaves]
Tim: We just lied to him.
Jill: He's our last baby. I wanted him to have one more magical Christmas.
Tim: I hope we are doing the right thing.
Cut to the backyard, a little later.
[Wilson is roasting chestnuts. Tim is tidying up a cable]
Wilson: Feliz Navidad, Señor Tim.
Tim: Feliz Año Nuevo to you, Mr. Wilson.
Wilson: Beautiful night, tonight. Feels like more snow.
Tim: Boy I hope not. I've gotta finish putting these decorations up on the roof.
Wilson: Well I figured Jill might have put the codbash on those decorations after that little mishap with your tongue.
Tim: Hey! It's my house, my roof, my decorations; I do what I want around here, Wilson.
Wilson: What time did Jill leave, Tim?
Tim: 'Bout ten minutes ago. Can I ask you something?
Wilson: Jingle my bell, neighbor.
Tim: Mark is starting to ask us questions about Santa Claus.
Wilson: Hmm-hm, hmm-hm, hmm-hm.
Tim: Well, should we tell him he doesn't exist?
Wilson: Oh, who says he doesn't exist, Tim? I believe it was Hamlet who put it best when he said, "There are more things in Heaven and Earth, good neighbor, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."
Tim: But Brad and Randy already said he was dead.
Wilson: Technically that's true. He died in the year 342.
Tim: Well then, who's at the mall?
Wilson: No Tim. I'm talking about the original Santa Claus: Saint Nicholas, the bishop of Myra in Asia Minor. He used to go around to the houses of the poor people on his donkey with bags of gold and drop them down the chimney.
Tim: Why would he drop donkeys down the chimney?
Wilson: I'm talking about the bags of gold, Tim.
Tim: Well hopefully he can put a remote control dinosaur down my chimney for Mark because the stores are sold out of them.
Wilson: Well, maybe Santa Claus might bring it to him.
Tim: I thought you said Santa was dead.
Wilson: Ah, but Tim, the spirit of Santa lives on. He lives in all of us. Well, I must get back to my chestnuts roasting on an open fire. [Wilson laughs] Now that reminds me of a song. [Tim gets ready to sing]
On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me
A partridge in a pear tree
On the second day of Christmas...
Cut to the living room, later.
[Mark is sitting at the table. Brad & Randy can be heard in the garage]
Brad: You blew it!
Randy: I did not!
Brad: You did too! [Jill enters from the garage, followed by Brad & Randy]
Jill: O.K.
Randy: Did not!
Brad: Did too!
Jill: Enough! Enough. I think I got a little carried away making the costume and coaching him.
Tim: What happened honey?
Jill: Oh, well, Randy's no longer playing the innkeeper cuz he added some lines.
Brad: Yeah. He doubled the price of the room and asked the wise men for I.D. [Randy turns on the TV]
Randy: They made me a sheep!
Jill: O.K. guys, No TV. That's part of your punishment for your little trick about Santa Claus. [Randy turns off the TV]
Randy: Aw, man!
Jill: Well, who wants hot chocolate?
Randy: Me!
Brad: Me! [Brad runs over to Jill]
Mark: Mom? Dad? I have a question.
Jill: Yes sweetie?
Mark: How does Santa get gifts for everyone in the world in one bag?
Tim: Jill? [Tim flies the Santa decoration across the counter]
Jill: Well honey, he folds them! [Jill pours the hot chocolate]
Mark: Folds them?
Tim: Yeah, he folds them. Then he has Mrs. Claus [Tim takes the cookies out of the top cupboard and hands them to Brad] sit on the bag so he can tie it shut.
Mark: That doesn't sound right. How do you fold goldfish? How do you fold a pony?
Tim: Well, if it's a quarter horse, you put it --
Jill: -- Tim. Honey, I think that we need to talk to you about Santa.
Mark: Is he dead again?
Tim: Mark, as you grow up you learn a whole bunch of things along the way, O.K? The Easter Bunny, Santa Claus -- [There is a knock at the door] I'll get it. [Tim runs ove to the door]
Jill: You see, it's, it's the spirit of Santa Claus that really matters. Whether he exists or not --
Santa: [Tim opens the door and sees Santa] Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho. Merry Christmas. [Santa enters]
Tim: Wilson, what are you doing here?
Santa: The name is Santa. [Santa walks over to Mark] Hello there Mark.
Mark: Are you the real Santa?
Santa: The one and only.
Randy: Mom, that's Wilson.
Jill: Shhhh! Santa, would you like some hot chocolate?
Santa: No-no-no-no-no-no. Mrs. Claus told me to cut back.
Tim: It still looks like you're packing it in there. Maybe you swallowed a few too many yams there at Thanksgiving.
Brad: This is so bogus!
Santa: Well, even though it's not quite Christmas yet, I thought my little buddy Mark needed an extra helping of Christmas spirit.
Mark: Should I go get my list?
Santa: No. There's no need to Mark. In your heart, [Santa goes over to his sack, and taps Brad on the shoulder who is looking inside it] what I think you really want is a remote controlled dinosaur. [Santa takes the dinosaur out of the sack and gives it to Mark]
Mark: Great! It's not even folded! Thank you Santa.
Santa: [Laughing] Oh, yes. [Santa hugs Mark] And Mark, don't forget this. [Santa gives Mark a parcel]
Tim: What's this?
Santa: Well, unlike the toy companies, with Santa batteries are included.
Brad: Anything for us Santa?
Santa: Well, even though you boys no longer believe in me, Santa brought you a gift anyway. Brad, I've got you a rubber band. [Santa takes it off his wrist and gives it to Brad] And Randy, here's a button. [Santa hands Randy a button]
Tim: Well Santa, what d'you bring us?
Santa: Well, with the hustle and bustle of Christmas, sometimes we get involved in decorating and pageants and we often forget that the true meaning of Christmas is about coming together and sharing. And that's why I brought you this little reminder.
Jill: Mistletoe. [Santa holds up some mistletoe]
Santa: That's right Jill. Let's see if it works. [Jill kisses Santa]
Jill: Thank you Santa. [Santa looks at Tim, still holding the mistletoe]
Tim: Don't look at me, man. [Jill laughs. Santa hands Tim the mistletoe]
Santa: Merry Christmas.
Tim: Thank you Santa.
Jill: Bye Santa.
Santa: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight.
Brad, Randy & Mark: Bye Santa! Thank you! [The boys wave and Santa leaves. Jill sees something out of the window]
Tim: I tell you Jill, sometimes that Wilson is one fine neighbor, huh?
Jill: You mean that Wilson? [Jill points outside. Wilson waves from his yard]
Wilson: Hi-ho neighbor. [It starts to snow]
Tim: Huh? [Mark goes out to the front door and looks up at the sky, in wonder]
Cut to the hall, later
[Jill and the boys have their jackets on. Tim enters from the backyard]
Tim: The decorations are ready. Come on out. Look. Don't slip, watch out. [They all go into the backyard] C'mon, hurry up. C'mon. Everybody in position? Alright, sit there. Honey? The Tim Taylor power Christmas.
Cut to the backyard
[Tim switches on the lights]
Tim: Voila! [Nothing happens. Tim kicks the control box and the lights come on and music plays]
Mark: Wow! Cool! [Tim lifts up Mark to see the decorated house] Wow!
Brad: Wow! [The control box sparks and the lights go out]
Tim: Hey!
Randy: Whoah!
Mark: Oh!
Tim: [Grunts] Uh-oh!
Cut to the fireplace
[Christmas stockings are hanging from the mantlepiece. Tim's stocking is the largest by far. Tim is heard grunting Jingle Bells]
Tim: Everybody, c'mon!
[The Audience grunts Jingle Bells]
Tim: Oh, that's the spirit!

Valid XHTML 1.0 Transitional Valid CSS We rated with ICRA We rated with Safe Surf