Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

Wild Kingdom

Episode No# 005
Written by:
Susan Estelle Jansen
Directed by:
John Pasquin
Transcript by:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Guest Cast
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Lisa - Pamela Denise Anderson
Exterminator - Stephen Root
Jimmy Wagner - Adam Wylie
Cub Scout #1 - Rickey Collins
Cub Scout #2 - Everett Wong
Cub Scout #3 - Cody Burger
[Opening credits]
Episode begins in the living room. Tim is sitting on the couch watching "Tool Time" on the TV.
Tim: [On the TV] Welcome to "Tool Time," the show that actually teaches you how to improve your home. Morning Al.
Al: [On the TV] Morning Tim.
[Jill comes running over to Tim]
Jill: Honey! I'm freezing cold. Feel my hands. [Jill puts her hands on Tim's cheeks]
Tim: Ha-hay! Hay! Ooh! I'll warm them. Here, slip them in the "Taylor Toast-o-matic Oven." [Jill puts her hands inside Tim's shirt and Tim squeezes them] Those babies are colder than a witch's --
Jill: -- Tim. You are watching this again?
Tim: [Pointing to the TV] Honey, this is destined to become a classic.
Jill: What is this? The third time you watch this?
Tim: Hey. Action, drama, latex paint, and god I look good in that vest. [Jill laughs]
Jill: No really, honey. I'm so cold. Would you go down and check the furnace? Cuz I-I think that the pilot light must be out. [Jill stands up and squeezes herself to keep warm]
Tim: You're saying lighting a pilot's a man's job?
Jill: No. I'm saying it's your job. [Tim stands up]
Tim: Hu, look, you're afraid to go down that deep, dark basement, aren't you?
Jill: No. I'm not afraid. [Tim switches off the TV] I just don't like it, y'know, when the furnace goes "Whoosh!"
Tim: Alright, I'll light the pilot light if I get a big kiss.
Jill: Do I have to?
Tim: You have to.
Jill: O.K., but only if I really have to. [They embrace and kiss. Brad and Randy enter from the backyard]
Brad: Oh gross!
Randy: It's not even dark yet! [Randy throws his school bag on the floor]
Tim: Ignore them. Maybe they'll go away! [Jill laughs. They kiss again]
Jill: No honey, you really, you have to do the furnace now! Because Mark's whole scout troop is coming over and I don't wanna a house full of little frozen cub-sicles.
Tim: Right away. [Tim heads towards the basement. Randy goes after him]
Randy: Dad! Dad! Check this out! I can tell the future with these cards. A kid at school showed me how. [Randy goes over to the kitchen. Brad holds up a 3 of diamonds]
Tim: Can you?
Brad: I got the 3 of diamonds. That means I'm gonna be rich!
Randy: O.K., fourth card from the top's your card.
Tim: Deal it, buddy
[Randy counts off 4 cards]
Randy: One, two, three... [The card is the ace of spades]
Tim: Ha! Ace of spades. Read it and weep. [Randy shakes his head] What?
Randy: It's the death card, Dad. [Randy smiles at Brad]
Tim: Yeah, right. Let me deal those. Cut them like a man. [Grunts] Ohh! [Tim shuffles the cards] Ohh! Ohh!
Randy: O.K. [Tim starts snapping his fingers]
Tim: We'll see it now. Cars, cash, big home, boats. [Randy counts off 4 cards]
Randy: Death. [Randy shows Tim the ace of spades again]
Brad: Double death.
Tim: Yeah. How long do you think I have?
Jill: Long enough to light the furnace.
Tim: She's right. We've got work to do down in the basement. Cuz one day boys, you [Tim gets a torch from the garage] will have a cold woman of your own and you'll have to learn how to light her furnace! [Jill slaps him as he goes past] C'mon, c'mon! Down to the basement. C'mon guys. [Brad and Randy follow Tim to the basement]
Cut to the basement.
[Tim, Brad and Randy enter]
Tim: O.K. guys. [Tim switches on the lights] C'mon down to the basement. [Tim starts going down the stairs] The climate control center for our house, so watch what you do. [Tim smacks his head on an overhead pipe] Ohh! Ahh! Ouch! [Tim hands Brad the torch] Ohh! [Brad and Randy follow Tim down the stairs. Tim goes over to the furnace] I want you guys to meet a friend of mine. The Binford Volcanomaster 5000. A quantum leap ahead of the 4000 model, which we replaced earlier this year. This is a hundred-and-fifty- thousand Btu. [Tim lifts off the cover]
Randy: What's a Btu?
Tim: Technical term!
Randy: Yeah, but what's it stand for?
Tim: U is because it's a unit. [Tim points to the furnace] B... is because it's a big, beautiful Binford. That's B. T is heat. Big Heat Unit. That's what this is. [Btu actually stands for British Thermal Unit (so he got one right!)]
Randy: Dad, heat starts with H. [Tim takes the torch from Brad]
Tim: Give me that flashlight, will you?
Randy: Dad! Heat starts with H.
Tim: Heat ends with T. HeaT. HeaT. HeaT. [Tim goes back over to the furnace] Now, working on a furnace is a delicate operation. Almost like working on a time bomb.
Brad: Wow! That's how he's gonna die! He's gonna blow himself up!
Tim: No that's not how I'm gonna die, cuz your dad is gonna practice furnace safety tips. [Tim lights a taper] O.K., access panel here says press button, hold for 15 seconds and...
Randy: [To Brad] Open your mouth so the shock waves from the blast don't make your head explode!
[Brad and Randy stand at the bottom of the stairs with their mouths wide open! Tim turns to look at them]
Tim: 13, 14. [Tim releases the button] 15. [Tim puts out the taper] No explosion, no death. Why, why? Because your dad laughs in the face of fear. [Tim shines the torch on his face] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha. 'Scuse me fellows. [Tim starts going upstairs. Calling] Jill, set it back to auto and the heat is now working, hon. [Tim smacks his head on the pipe again] Ohhh! Ahhh!
[The boys peer into the furnace. They hear a noise coming from the boxes in the corner of the basement. The noise continues]
Brad: What was that?
Tim: Shhh! [Tim comes down the stairs again. Whispering] Be very quiet.
Randy: [Whispering] What is it?
Tim: [Whispering] I think it's over there behind the boxes. [Tim shines the torch into the boxes] Oh boy, I hope it's not that. It couldn't be.
Brad: [Whispering] What?
Randy: [Whispering] What?
Tim: [Whispering] Yesterday at the zoo, I read that a panther escaped!
Randy: Yeah, right Dad. [Tim shines the torch at Randy's face]
Tim: [Whispering] I'm not kidding. Don't make any sudden moves. Just head towards the stairs. [Brad and Randy head towards the stairs] It could be anywhere. [Tim creeps up behind them] It could be... [Shouting] Ahhh!
Brad & Randy: Ahhhhh! [They run upstairs]
[Tim jumps around, celebrating having fooled the boys. Brad and Randy poke their heads round the door]
Tim: Ha-ha. It's just a mouse or something, probably. [The boys come down the stairs again]
Randy: What if it's not a mouse? It could be a snake.
Tim: Hey! There's nothing funny about snakes. Don't joke about that. There's nothing funny about slimy reptiles. Nothing!
Brad: Hey, maybe it's a big, huge python!
Tim: Enough! Enough! It's a mouse. A mouse. Of course, it could be a huge one that likes to eat little kids like you! Go on! Go on! Go, go! [Tim chases them screaming upstairs]
Cut to the kitchen.
[Randy runs upstairs. Brad runs past Jill and grabs his bag off the railing]
Jill: Hey! Hey! Do I have to put in speed bumps? [Brad runs upstairs. Jill goes over to the table where Mark is sitting. Jill is holding a large paper bag]
Mark: Mom?
Jill: Yeah?
Mark: What are we gonna make? [Jill starts unloading craft materials from the bag]
Jill: I am gonna have the whole scout troop make their own paper bag masks.
Mark: [Looks disappointed] Is that all? Billy's mom helped us make a real tepee.
Jill: She did?
Mark: Yeah. And she made us beef jerky from raw meat!
Jill: Billy's mom is a Stepford Wife. You're getting pizza and paper bag masks.
[Mark gets down from the table]
Mark: [Without enthusiasm] Well, I guess I'd better put on my uniform. [Mark goes upstairs. Jill sits down at the table, feeling inadequate. Tim enters from the basement]
Tim: Honey, mission accomplished. Furnace is lit, operational. [Tim puts the torch back in the garage] That, however, is the good news.
Jill: The good news. What's the bad news?
Tim: Well, I can't tell you. You'd probably go crazy. [Jill stands up]
Jill: Oh please. I never go crazy.
Tim: I found something soft and furry that rhymes with house.
Jill: Oh god!
Tim: There's a famous one named Mickey!
Jill: It's a mouse! [Jill stands on a chair] God, a mouse, [Jill climbs across the chairs] with beady little eyes, and toe-jammy little nails. [Jill sits on the worktop] Huh-huh-huh-huh.
Tim: Jill! It's just a little innocent thing.
Jill: Tim, they are dirty, they carry disease, they eat garbage.
Tim: So do the boys. You're not afraid of them!
Jill: Yes, I am. [Tim scratches the worktop with his fingers]
Tim: D'you hear that?
Jill: Tim, [Jill slaps him] don't!
Tim: I thought I heard toe nails, toe-jammy things.
Jill: Stop it! Stop it!
Tim: They're so little, they're so quick. They just run out anywhere and right up people's backs like that. [Tim runs his fingers up Jill's back]
Jill: [Shouting] Right! Just quit it! [Tim laughs]
Tim: Hey, hey, it's in the basement. Get off the chair, please. [Tim helps Jill down]
Jill: Oh, will you please just call an exterminator.
Tim: Exterminator?
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: Pest control is my domain. Termites fear me. [Jill smiles at Tim] Mice whisper my name: [Whispering] "Hey, forget the cheese. Come back to the hall. It's Tim. C'mon. C'mon. He'll kill you, he'll kill you." I'll go see if Wilson has any traps.
Jill: No! [Tim puts on his jacket] No, don't kill it.
Tim: From filthy, little vermin to your fuzzy, little friend. Where did that start?
Jill: Well, just because I don't like it, doesn't mean I wanna see it dead. Otherwise I'd have set traps for your mother years ago!
Tim: A trap wouldn't stop her! She'd just chew her leg off! [Tim goes into the backyard. Jill laughs]
Cut to the backyard.
[Wilson is raking leaves]
Tim: Wilson!
Wilson: Hi-ho neighbor.
Tim: Hey Wilson, d'you have any of those humane traps for mice?
Wilson: Since when did you become a trapper, Tim?
Tim: Well Wilson, I think I heard a mouse in my basement, huh, and Jill got real freaked out over that itty-bitty thing. Can you believe that?
Wilson: Well, fear is perfectly natural. Everybody's afraid of something.
Tim: What about you, Wilson? What are you afraid of?
Wilson: I do have one underlying fear, Tim. I'm afraid that reality as we know it is someone else's dream, and when the dreamer wakes, I no longer exist. [Tim tries to comprehend this]
Tim: Wilson, I wouldn't share that with too many people. Er, back to the trap thing.
Wilson: Sure, good buddy. So you said you heard noises in the kitchen?
Tim: No, in the basement.
Wilson: In the basement.
Tim: Yeah.
Wilson: You've been hearing all sorts of, what, scratching noises?
Tim: Well, kind of more of a rustling.
Wilson: Rustling?
Tim: Yeah.
Wilson: Hmm-hm-hm. Tim, my boy, I don't think you have a problem with mice.
Tim: Great.
Wilson: No-no-no. Sounds like you might have a snake.
Tim: Ohh! God! Ooo!
Wilson: You're scared of snakes, Tim?
Tim: Duff, huh. Hey, snakes are supposed to live in the woods.
Wilson: Well, this whole area used to be woods, Tim, but as man has taken over his habitat, they've become suburban snakes.
Tim: Hah, suburban snakes?
Wilson: Hmm.
Tim: What, do they like, work here, commute back to the woods? Is that it?
Wilson: No, they could be right here, living in your own backyard. Or somebody in the neighborhood could be breeding snakes. All you need is a cardboard box and a light bulb.
Tim: What kind of sicko would breed snakes?
Wilson: Well, Tim, snakes are clean, low maintenance pets. Plus they have a very firm, nutty tasting flesh.
Cut to the living room.
[Jill is preparing dinner. Tim enters]
Jill: So what's the deal? Are you gonna set the traps?
Tim: Wilson doesn't think we need one. I'm calling the exterminator.
Jill: Why?
[Tim starts looking through the phone book]
Tim: He doesn't think we have mice.
Jill: Oh no, it's a rat.
Tim: It's worse. Snake.
Jill: Snake?! [Tim turns round quickly]
Tim: Where?
Jill: Oh no! Oh god, not a snake! I've -- wait a minute. Didn't you tell me that you saw a mouse?
Tim: Well, I didn't see it in the visual sense.
Jill: Well, you jerk! You lied to me.
Tim: I didn't lie. I was... kidding!
Jill: Kidding?
Randy: [Shouts from the basement] Mom! Dad! Come and look what I've got down here.
Jill: Just a second, Randy, just a second. Kidding? You were just torturing me with all those mouse sounds.
Tim: Aw, c'mon. What's the big deal? Everybody likes to be scared. [Randy enters] It's fun.
Jill: Fun.
Randy: Dad. [Randy holds up a snake skin]
Tim: What is it? [Tim sees the snake skin] God! [Tim backs away] Look, ooh, ooh, ho-ly!
Randy: I found a snake skin.
Tim: Hah! [Jill looks at Tim] It's fun! You see the fun! See the fun?
[Commercial break]
Cut to the living room, later that evening.
[Jill is baking some cookies. Randy comes over to Tim with a book]
Randy: Dad, did you know that the deadliest snake in the world is a carpet viper? It has enough poison to kill ten men.
Tim: Brad, has that exterminator found anything down there? [Tim walks over to Brad]
Brad: Not yet.
Tim: Damn. Honey, what's taking him so long?
Jill: Tim, we have a yard full of children. We're supposed to be setting an example. You've gotta calm down. Have a cookie. [Jill hands Tim a cookie on a metal slice]
Tim: Hot cookie! Oh, hot cookie! [Tim puts the cookie down]
Jill: Sorry. [Brad enters from the garage with Tim's tool box]
Brad: Dad, the exterminator wants to borrow a screwdriver.
Tim: Well, you know where they are. In the top tray. Open it up and get it yourself.
Brad: No! You always say not to touch your tools. You'd better get one.
Tim: [Tim comes over to the tool box] What's he want? standard, Davis, Philips, flat head? What?
Brad: Flat head.
Tim: Alright. [Tim opens the tool box and lots of long thin cylinders spring out. Brad runs off and Tim chases him around the kitchen. The exterminator enters from the basement and Tim stops by him] Find a snake?
Exterminator: Sorry, uh, did my best but I didn't find a thing.
Randy: Nothing cool ever happens around here.
Tim: Randy. Get your -- [Randy and Brad go into the backyard] You're telling me there's not a snake in this house?
Exterminator: Oh, probably mosied on back outside. That happens nine times out of ten.
Tim: Nine times out of ten.
Exterminator: U-huh. [Jill looks at Tim]
Jill: What happens the other time?
Exterminator: [Laughing] I tell you, it's funny. Those snakes, yeah, they pop right up out of the strangest places. Boy, I could write a book. Oh yeah. Yeah, I've seen them curl up inside of, er, teapots, er, oh, [Jill and Tim turn to look at the teapot] there's one time, one time, popped right up out of the toilet. [Tim and Jill pull faces] Course, like I said, that's rare, hah. Besides, you don't have anything to worry about, judging by that skin your boy found. It's not poisonous. Well, I'll see you folks.
Jill: Oh, wait a minute, wait, wait, wait, wait, would, why don't you stay and have a cup of coffee?
Exterminator: Sorry ma'am, I've got lots of appointments. Well, toodle-loo.
Jill: Bye. [The exterminator leaves and Mark enters from the backyard]
Mark: Mom, Jimmy Wagner wants to go home.
Jill: Why?
Mark: He got the death card.
Tim & Jill: Brad!/Randy! [Tim goes out to the backyard]
Cut to the backyard.
[Brad and Randy are standing either side of Jimmy Wagner. The other cub scouts are playing on the climbing frame]
Randy: C'mon, don't be a weenie.
Brad: Everybody's gotta die sometime. [Tim runs up to them]
Tim: Hey guys, get away from him. C'mon, go back in the house. Go back in the house. [Brad and Randy leave] Are you alright?
Jimmy: I don't wanna die!
Tim: Aw, c'mon. [Tim gives him a hug] Aw, you're not gonna die.
Jimmy: But I got the death card. [Tim picks him up]
Tim: Oh, forget the death card. I got two death cards today and I didn't die. They were teasing you.
Jimmy: But I'm scared. [Tim sits down with him]
Tim: Ohh boy, come here. Everybody's scared of something.
Jimmy: Are you ever afraid?
Tim: Y --
Mark: -- my Dad's never afraid. He's the bravest man in the whole world.
Tim: You guys, all of you, even brave guys get afraid. [The other cubs sit on the ground around Tim] Y'know, y'know what a brave man does when he's afraid?
Jimmy: What?
Tim: He s-, he, he s-, he scares away fear. Jimmy, you've gotta be scarier than fear itself. That's what you've gotta do.
Jimmy: How do you do that?
Tim: Well, look at me. Get a real ugly face on. [Tim pulls a face] Uhh, pretty ugly, huh? [Grunting] Uhh-uhh-uhh. And you look at fear, and you go, you grunt. [Grunting] Uh-uhh-uhh-uhh! You try that.
Jimmy: Uh-uh.
Tim: Well, that would work if you had just a little fear. If it's a big fear, you've gotta get a deep down, manly grunt. Mark, show him what to do.
Mark: [Grunting] Hah-hah-hah-hah!
Tim: See how scary that guy looks? Now you guys try it. [Grunts] Huh!
Cub Scouts: [Grunting] Huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh!
Tim: Very good. Very ugly. Alright, try it, do you want to do it?
Jimmy: [Grunting] Uhh!
Tim: Well, I need a real good two-in-a-row.
Jimmy: [Grunting] Uhh-uhh!
Tim: Alright. Three-in-a-row, let's do it!
Tim & Jimmy: [Grunting] Uhh-uhh-uhh!
Tim: C'mon guys.
Everybody: [Grunting] Huh-huh-huh! [Tim stands up]
Tim: There's no fear here. Get out of here fear! [Grunting] Huh-huh-huh! Huh-huh-huh! [Randy enters]
Randy: Dad!
Tim: [Grunts] Uhh?
Randy: Mom wants you to order a pizza.
Tim & Cub Scouts: Pizza! Ahhh!
Tim: Yeah, you guys stay out here practicing grunting, I'll get the pizza.
Cub Scouts: [Grunting] Huh-huh-huh-huh!
Cut to the living room.
[Tim enters]
Jill: The number for the pizza place is by the phone.
Tim: Thanks, Jill. [Tim goes to the phone] Oh. [Tim dials the number] Hi. How many pizzas do we need?
Jill: Oh, ah, four large but, y'know, get different toppings.
Tim: Alright, I need four larges with two meat -- hold on a minute. [The snake pokes its head out of the light fitting by the phone] Is anybody allergic to anything out there?
Cub Scout #1: [From the backyard] Jimmy's allergic to everything.
Jimmy: [From the backyard] Am not!
Tim: Alright, alright, alright. Apparently we need a big cheese pizza with decongestant all over it. [Tim holds the phone away from his ear] I'm kidding around, fella. Alright, two cheese, one with pepperoni and sausage on it. [Tim turns round and sees the snake] Ahh! It's a snake! That is a snake! In my house, right there! [Tim moves away from the light. Randy, Mark and the other cub scouts come running in, shouting "Where?"] That is a snake!
Jill: O.K., O.K., everybody quiet down here. Tim, Tim, hang up the phone. I'll call the exterminator on the other phone.
Tim: Hah-hah-hah. [Tim edges towards the phone and hangs up] Ooo.
Randy: Why don't you get the snake out, Dad?
Tim: Why don't you shut up, Randy? [Tim goes over to the table]
Mark & Cub Scouts: C'mon, yeah, yeah!
Tim: Hey!
Randy: Dad, just stick your finger in the light. When the snake bites it, pull him out!
Tim: [Trying to laugh. Tim goes over to Randy] Can we talk for a minute? Maybe you didn't hear Dad the first time. [Tim picks Randy up and holds him up to his face] Shut up! [Tim carries Randy over to an armchair and puts him down. Jill enters with a cordless phone]
Jill: O.K., I've got the exterminator on the phone but he says he can't come for an hour.
Tim: An hour? Where's he gonna crawl in an hour? Who knows?
Jill: [On the phone] U-huh. O.K. [To Tim] He, he says that you should look in the light fixture and see if it's still there.
Tim: Right. Can I talk to him for a minute?
Jill: Yeah. [Tim takes the phone]
Tim: A-ha, a-ha, oh. [To Jill] You're right. He says you're supposed to look in the light fixture and see if it's still there.
Jill: Me? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I think you should do it.
Tim: [Tim points to the phone] I'm so busy right now.
Jill: Tim, get over there and look in that light fixture.
Tim: I don't want to.
Cub Scout #1: Go ahead, Mr. Taylor.
Jimmy: You're not afraid, are you Mr. Taylor?
Mark: My Dad's not afraid of anything. Show them Dad. Show them you're not scared.
[Jill looks at Tim. Tim psyches himself up]
Tim: [Grunting] Ohh-ohh! Let's get ourselves a snake!
Cub Scouts: Yeah! [Tim goes over to the kitchen]
Jill: Alright, alright, cub scouts outside.
Tim: [On the phone] Alright, thanks, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Cub Scouts: [Disappointed] Ohhhh!
Jill: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You can watch this from there.
Tim: [Tim hangs up the phone] Alright Brad, I need a pillow case out of your bedroom. Hurry up. [Brad goes to get it. Jill runs over to Tim]
Jill: O.K., what'd he say? [Tim puts on some rubber gloves]
Tim: He says, reach in that little tiny opening, get that little tiny snake by the back of his little tiny neck, pull him out of that little tiny hole, and st- put him gently in a pillow case.
Jill: You're gonna do that?
Tim: That's his plan! My plan, I'm gonna rip that light fixture right off that wall, shove that into a pillow case! [Brad returns with a pillow case] Alright, alright.
Brad: Here you go, Dad.
Tim: Brad, Brad, stand right under the light, and I'll jump that snake right in there. [Brad throws the pillow case at Tim]
Brad: No way.
Tim: What d'you mean "No Way"? Huh, c'mon Randy, help me out.
Randy: Huh-huh. Forget it.
Tim: Huh! Huh! [Tim turns and looks expectantly at Jill]
Jill: O.K., I'll do it. [Tim hands her the pillow case]
Tim: [To Brad and Randy] Does that make you happy, your mom's doing it?
Randy: It's fine by us!
Jill: Thanks guys!
[Tim and Jill move into position]
Tim: Ready?
Jill: Ready. Calm? [Short pause]
Tim: No, I-I can't. Oh.
Cub Scouts: [From outside. Grunting] Hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah!
[Jill looks at Tim. Tim goes back to the light fitting]
Tim: Jill, Jill, Jill.
Jill: I got it.
[Tim yanks the light fitting off the wall and into the pillow case]
Tim: [Grunting] Ah-ah-ah-ah!
Jill: I got it! I got it! [Jill runs with it out to the backyard. Randy closes the door behind her]
Tim: Yes-sus! [Grunting] Hah-hah-hah! [Tim sits on the worktop by the phone] Ahhh. There it is boys. [Tim takes off the rubber gloves] Plan your work, work your plan. The key to success. Ha-ha-ha. [The snake sticks its head out of the hole left by the light fitting. Brad and Randy stare at Tim]
Brad: Dad!
Tim: Yeah?
Brad: There's a snake behind you. [Brad and Randy back away]
Tim: [Thinking they are joking] Ooo, I bet there is! [Tim waggles his tongue in and out]
Randy: Dad, he's serious. It's right behind you.
Tim: Does it have the card of death in it's mouth? [Tim waggles his tongue in and out again] Y'know guys, I fell for that trick this morning. Tool box, remember that? Huh? And you can take a practical joke too far, y'know that.
Randy: Dad, we're not joking. It's moving towards you.
Tim: Why don't I just open my shirt and let him crawl right in, huh?
[Tim opens his shirt and the snake crawls in! Jill enters with the empty pillow case]
Jill: Tim, the snake wasn't in the bag.
Tim: The snake is in my shirt! [Tim jumps up and runs outside. He runs around with the cub scouts running after him]
Cut to the living room, later that evening.
[Tim is lying on the couch. Jill brings him a drink and some biscuits]
Jill: Here you go, hon.
Tim: Hey, thanks.
Jill: How are you feeling?
Tim: Stupid. [Jill sits down on the airchair] Felt like a jerk in front of those cub scouts today.
Jill: Oh, they had a great time and they learnt some colorful new vocabulary!
[Mark enters in his pajamas. He gives Tim a snake badge]
Mark: Here Dad, I made this for you.
Tim: What is it?
Mark: It's a snake badge for bravery.
Jill: Hey, that's very impressive. [Tim puts the badge on]
Mark: Would you wear it on your TV show?
Tim: You bet I would. [He gives Mark a hug] Hmm. You're a good kid. [He kisses Mark]
Mark: Goodnight Dad.
Tim: Goodnight. [Mark goes over to Jill]
Mark: Goodnight Mom. [Mark kisses Jill]
Jill: Goodnight sweetie. [Jill gives Mark a hug]
Mark: Goodnight Mommy. [Mark leaves]
Tim: My youngest son gave me a snake badge for bravery.
Jill: Well, you did get rid of that snake.
Tim: Yeah, but in all honesty, I couldn't have done it without you. I think it's yours. [Tim hands Jill the badge]
Jill: Well, we'll share it. [Jill gets up] Y'know, I think we deserve a little pampering.
Tim: Hmm? [Jill comes over to him]
Jill: How would you like to have a nice hot bath with bubbles?
Tim: I'd like that, Bubbles!
[Jill laughs. Tim gets up and Jill goes upstairs. Tim goes over to the light fitting hole]
Tim: [Grunts] Huh!
[The phone rings and Tim runs off]
Tim: Whoa!
[Outtakes from the snake scene. The snake is crawling out of the hole. Tim holds open his shirt and waggles his tongue. Cut]
Staff: Alright, no, we've already seen the --
Staff: Roll it.
[The snake crawls down Tim's shirt but then stops]
Staff: 5, 4. [Cut]
[The snake crawls down Tim's shirt. Tim shakes his shirt to help it. Tim starts to laugh. The snake crawls up round his neck. Cut]
[The snake crawls down then up round Tim's neck and out of his shirt. Tim starts to laugh. Tim picks up the snake and sticks it down his shirt]

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