Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

Nothing More Than Feelings

Episode No# 007
Written by:
Peter Tolan
Directed by:
John Pasquin
Transcript by:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Guest Cast
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Jim - Art La Fleur
Kyle - Ron Taylor
[Opening credits]
Episode begins in the living room, morning. Brad, Randy and Mark are sitting around the table. Jill comes over to them.
Jill: Boys, finish your breakfast, hurry up and brush your teeth. [Tim comes downstairs] If you miss that bus, you're gonna be in big, big trouble. [Brad & Mark run upstairs]
Tim: Trouble already? Guys, pace yourselves! You've got all day to be evil! [Tim is carrying his jacket over his shoulder] You don't want to peak too soon! [Jill comes over to Tim] Give the old man a kiss goodbye.
Jill: Did you brush?
Tim: [Tim pulls his mouth back to show Jill his teeth] Front and back.
[Tim and Jill kiss]
Jill: Oh, oh, honey, honey, you're gonna have to move my car cuz I'm blocking you. [Jill gives Tim the car keys]
Tim: Why didn't you just park on your side of the driveway? [Tim & Jill look at each other]
Tim & Jill: Bikes!
Tim: I'll leave these in your car.
Jill: O.K! [Tim goes into the garage. Jill goes over to the table and starts clearing the breakfast things away] Bye!
Tim: Bye!
Randy: Mom?
Jill: Yeah?
Randy: Can I ask you something? [Jill carries the plates to the kitchen]
Jill: Sure.
Randy: Do you think I have girl's hands?
Jill: What?! [Jill comes back over to Randy]
Randy: Jason Loomis says I have hands like his sister... only smaller!
Jill: That is ridiculous! [Jill sits down and takes his hands] Look at these hands; they're strong, well-defined. With these hands you could be a painter,.. or a surgeon, a concert pianist, [Randy looks at Jill and shakes his head] a football player, karate champ, lumberjack, test pilot, construction worker!
Randy: Thanks Mom! [Jill laughs]
[The school bus horn sounds. Jill jumps up]
Jill: [Shouting upstairs] Oh! Brad! Mark! Bus is here! Move it! [Brad & Mark run downstairs and grab their coats and bags] Hup! Hup! Here, kiss, mmm-mmm-mmm.
Brad: Bye Mom. [Brad gives her a kiss and leaves]
Jill: Bye. Kiss. Mmm. [Jill kisses Mark and he leaves. Randy comes over. Jill gives him his coat and bag, gives him a kiss, and he leaves]
Randy & Mark: Bye Mom!
Brad: Bye, love you!
Jill: Love you too!
[Tim enters from the garage]
Jill: Tim! You still here?
Tim: Oh yeah. [Tim washes his hands at the sink] How long has the oil light been on, Jill?
Jill: [Puzzled] Oil light?
Tim: The oil light. Uh, next to the spedometer. Little red light with an oil can on it.
Jill: Oh! That thing! I don't know. Two or three days.
Tim: Two or three days?! It's a warning light! Didn't it occur to you that there might be a little problem?
Jill: I thought if there was a problem with the car that the light would get brighter, or there would be a buzzer!
Tim: A buzzer?! It's a car not a game show!
Jill: Tim! The car is running fine.
Tim: It used to be running fine. Inside of a car is an internal combustion engine composed of many precision parts running at a high rpm. High rpm. produces friction. Friction produces heat. Heat is dissipated by lubrication: oil! When the car didn't get the oil that it needs, it tends to seize up into a rock!
Jill: Are you saying the car's not running?
Tim: [Exasperated] We now own a four thousand pound, four-door boulder!
Jill: You mean I can't drive it?
Tim: Not unless you're Wilma Flintstone!
Cut to the "Tool Time" set, later that day.
[Al is cutting some wood in a mitre box. Tim is standing by the workbench, shaking his head]
Al: O.K. Tim, I've cut the moulding to the proper length, and by using our mitre box here --
Tim: -- it's no good!
Al: Well, it's a very good cut, Tim.
Tim: I'm not talking about the cut or the mitre. It's- something's bugging me, man. I've gotta get it off my chest. [Tim walks over to the audience] We don't normally do this, but I want to talk to you all about respect. Respect for the machines that power our lives.
Audience: Yeah.
Tim: I know this guy that found out his wife has been driving the car for three days with the oil light on!
Audience: [Expresses its disapproval] That's so typical!
Tim: No respect! None! My wife, she- no, not my wife! This guy's wife didn't even think about that engine.
Jim: I hear you, man.
Tim: D'you know what I'm talking about?
Jim: My wife's the same way.
Tim: Really. C'mon down here. Get this guy down here! C'mon!
[The audience applauds. Jim comes down to the set. Tim and Jim shake hands]
Jim: Nice to meet you. Love your show.
Tim: Thanks. What's your name?
Jim: Jim. Er, my friends call me Jimbo.
Tim: Uh. I'm Tim, you can call me Timbo! [They shake hands again] So, what's on your mind, Jimbo?
Jim: Well Timbo, I work construction.
Tim: [Grunting] Yeah! Huh-huh-huh! Wait a minute, whoa, whoa, hold it, let me, sit down here for a minute. [Tim pulls the bin over for him to sit on] Let me grab a stool here, plant it and tell me what's on your mind there, buddy. [Jim sits on the bin. Tim sits on the chair]
Jim: But I'm really into woodworking.
Tim: Great!
Jim: I-I do a lot of carving, a-and I just bought myself a serious set of chisels.
Tim: [To Al] Probably like the Binford 600 series. You used them last week, Al. [Al doesn't look impressed]
Jim: Anyway, um, the other day, I come home and there's my wife out in the garage.
Tim: [To the camera] Where she doesn't belong! [The audience cheers]
Jim: And she's, she's [Jim takes a deep breath] prying the lid off a gallon can of paint wiht my three inches stue chisel.
Tim: Oh, jeez! [The audience groans] And they wonder why we die first!
Kyle: [Kyle sticks his hand up] Can I say something, Tim?
Tim: Shop floor's open, buddy.
[Kyle stands up and makes his way down to the set]
Kyle: Pardon me.
Tim: Oh, we, we hooked a big one!
Kyle: Excuse me. [Tim gets a stool]
Tim: Hey! [Tim and Kyle shake hands]
Kyle: Name's Kyle.
Tim: Hi Kyle. Timbo, Jimbo. [Kyle and Jim shake hands]
Kyle: Jimbo.
Jim: Hi Kyle.
Tim: Sit down. What's on your mind?
[They all sit down]
Kyle: Well Tim, I enjoy gardening. I-I-I like to grow my own vegetables. [Tim looks at Kyle]
Tim: Can't be all vegetables, man! Looks like you've socked a couple of dozen doughnuts away yourself!
Kyle: You know it, Tim. Love my doughnuts. Anyway, my wife uses my good gardening tools and she leaves them in the yard. Tim, every tool I own has suffered some degree of rust damage.
Tim: [Grunts] Oh! If your wife was here right now, what would you say to her?
Kyle: I don't know. I'd probably say, [Kyle points with his finger, then looks up and points up] "Ginger! When you don't respect my tools, you don't respect me. So stop it!" [Kyle moves his arms to protect himself from being hit]
Jim: I wish I could say something like that to my wife. She, she, she's gotta hundred bottles in the shower, y'know, conditioners, shampoos, rinses. What's she need all the stuff for?
Tim & Audience: Yeah!
Kyle: That's nothing. My wife --
Tim: [To the camera] -- Ginger.
Kyle: My wife has these two-and-three-quarter-inch press-on nails. When I'm home watching "Circus of the Stars" and I hear this tapping, I look at my wife, she's tapping with her finger nail on the front of her teeth. Drives me nuts! [Jim shakes his head]
Jim: You think that's bad, my wife has this thing in the shower --
Tim: -- wait, wait, wait, I've got it. I'll top you both! My wife drools in her sleep!
Jim & Kyle: Oh! That's disgusting!
Tim: And I'm not talking about a little puddle, I'm talking about here comes the hose, let's water the lawn! [Tim, Jim & Kyle laugh] No, no, no! Man the lifeboats, she's drooling! Get away from her! [Tim starts paddling and sings]
When she's drooling,
She's drooling, [Jim & Kyle paddle as well]
She's drooling,
Tim, Jim & Kyle:
Drooling down the river!
Drooling, drooling,
Drooling down the river!
[Al comes over from the producers]
Al: Tim!
Tim: What is it, Al? C'mon, join in.
Drooling --
Al: -- we only have a few minutes left, Tim.
Tim: Al, we're having an important discussion here.
Al: About drool, Tim?
Tim: I wouldn't expect you to understand. You're not married. Well, enough about your love-life, Al. [Tim stands up] Let's get some work. You guys want to help me out?
Kyle: Great!
Jim: Sure!
Tim: Alright!
Cut to the living room, later that day.
[Brad and Mark enter. Jill is baking in the kitchen. Randy is sitting on the chair]
Brad: I'm gonna watch Dad's show.
Jill: O.K.
[Brad and Mark sit on the couch. Brad turns on the TV. Kyle is on the screen]
Randy: Hey Mom, who's that guy? [Jill comes over]
Jill: I don't know. D'you have the right channel? Here, give me the thingy. [Brad hands Jill the remote]
Randy: Yeah, there's Dad.
Jill: Oh. Well, what is he up to now?
Tim: [On the TV] Wait, wait, wait, I've got you both beat. My wife drools in her sleep. [Jill's jaw drops]
Jill: Er, boys, I think you should go upstairs and play.
Mark: But we wanna watch Dad's show. [Jill stands in front of the TV]
Jill: I said out! [Brad, Randy & Mark leave. Jill turns off the TV]
Cut to the garage.
[Tim is working on the engine. Jill enters]
Jill: Tim!
Tim: Ah! I know what you're gonna say. I've already decided I'm not gonna say another word about the oil light. [Tim sits down by the tool bench] You made a mistake; anybody can make a mistake. And I forgive you.
Jill: She's drooling, she's drooling, she's drooling down the river.
Tim: You saw the show, huh?
Jill: Tim, how could you do that?
Tim: You and I joke about it all the time. We laugh about it.
Jill: No, you and I joke about it all the time in the privacy of our bedroom, not on television. Do you have rocks in your head? Don't you think?
Tim: Let's talk about who doesn't think for a minute. Who drove around for two days with the oil light on?
Jill: Wait, I thought you said you weren't gonna bring up the oil light.
Tim: With all those rocks in my head, sometimes I don't know what I'm saying.
Jill: Look, my mistake involved a car. Your mistake involved a human being, me. There's a big difference here. Of course I don't expect you to understand that since you're completely insensitive.
Tim: Insensitive.
Jill: You didn't even think about how I would feel. [Jill leaves]
Tim: Fine. I didn't tell them everything. [Jill comes back in again]
Jill: Everything? [Short pause]
Tim: Y'know, when you roll on your side, you gurgle.
Jill: What, are you saving that for the Christmas special?
Tim: No.
[Jill leaves and slams the garage door. The tools fall off the tool rack]
[Commercial break]
Cut to the kitchen, the next day.
[Mark is sitting on a stool. Jill is cutting carrots]
Mark: Mommy, I'm worried.
Jill: About what, honey?
Mark: If you drool and sleep on your back, won't you drown?
Jill: [Short pause] No honey. Thank you for your concern. Eat a carrot. [Jill hands Mark a piece of carrot, which he eats. Mark leaves]
[Brad enters]
Brad: [Shouting] Randy!
[Randy is sitting on the couch, reading a magazine]
Brad: It's all over school about what Jason Loomis said about your girl hands.
Randy: Oh no! [Brad comes over to him]
Brad: But I stood up for you.
Jill: Good for you, Brad. [Brad opens his school bag]
Brad: And I got you a little something to make you feel better. [Randy turns round to see]
Randy: What is it?
Brad: Passion pink finger nail polish! [Brad drops the bottle in front of Randy. Brad runs off and Randy chases him]
Randy: You meany!
Jill: Brad Taylor! [Brad & Randy leave. Tim enters from the garage]
Tim: Hi. [Jill doesn't reply] What're you doing? [Jill still doesn't reply and continues preparing dinner] I was thinking about what you said in the garage about that drool thing, and you were right. I overstepped my bounds and I was really insensitive. [Short pause] You noticed I paused there in case, in case you wanted to say, "I forgive you, Tim." [Jill still doesn't reply] It would fit right here... Or not. C'mon Jill, are you ever gonna talk to me again?
Jill: I just wanna know one thing: what does my drooling have to do with home improvement?
Tim: Well, no-one likes to live in a damp house! [Jill looks at Tim] Wrong answer.
Jill: [Forcefully] What does my drooling have to do with home improvement? [Jill starts aggressively chopping zucchini]
Tim: Nothing.
Jill: So, you just got up and said, "Oh, what a beautiful morning. I think I'll humiliate my wife today"?
Tim: I was just telling stories on the show with these guys, and I brought up the oil light, and you seized the motor, and --
Jill: -- wait a minute, wait a minute. You told them about the oil light?
Tim: [Grunting] Uh-oh!
Jill: Why did you do that?
Tim: I don't know.
Jill: Why did you go on TV and humiliate me?
Tim: I-don't-know. [Jill walks off]
Jill: I've gotta good idea. Why don't you just change the name of your show from "Tool Time" to "My Stupid Wife!" [Jill goes upstairs, upset]
[Jill slams the bedroom door, and all the tools in the garage fall off the tool rack]
Cut to the backyard.
[Wilson is in his garden, burning leaves on his barbecue. Tim enters]
Tim: Hi Wilson.
Wilson: Hi-ho Tim. Another glorious autumn afternoon.
Tim: Oh, it sure is. And you're burning leaves.
Wilson: Occasionally I like to throw a handful on the old barbecue and just [Wilson sniffs] sniff. Try to remember the old days.
Tim: [Tim comes over to the fence] I've gotta a little problem. Can I ask a question, Wilson?
Wilson: Ball is in your court, Tim. Wail away.
Tim: Ah, I said something real stupid and embarrassed Jill on my TV show. [Wilson comes over to the fence]
Wilson: Hmm. Why did you do that, Tim?
Tim: I don't know. We, I was talking to the other guys, and we were sharing silly stories about our wives, and I had a great one about Jill, and it just came out.
Wilson: Well Tim, it sounds to me like you're a victim of the hierarchical structure of male conversation.
[Wilson puts a wooden duck on the fence supprt and starts polishing it]
Tim: Hi-ar-ar-cal? How d'you spell that? [Tim strokes the duck's beak]
Wilson: Let's just say one-up-manship. [Wilson moves the duck to peck at Tim's hand. Tim withdraws his hand] You see Tim, men's relationships are based on status, power.
Tim: [Grunts] Eh-eh-uh!
Wilson: Men feel compelled to out-do each other. One man tells a story about his wife, the next man feels he's got to tell an even better story.
Tim: That was exactly what happened! [Wilson chuckles to himself] I got caught up in that har-hier-ar-cal thing.
Wilson: Happens all the time, Tim.
Tim: Well I don't want it to happen. What, how d'you make it stop?
Wilson: Well Tim, men have to learn to compete less and listen more. We have to learn to start sharing [Wilson puts the wooden duck back on a shelf] our feelings.
Tim: [Grunting] Hey, yeah!
Cut to the "Tool Time" set, the next day.
[Jim & Kyle are sitting on stools, looking uncomfortable. Tim & Al are standing by the workbench]
Tim: Thank you all, thank you. A lot of people have said to me, "I saw the show the other day with all the guy talk. What was that all about?" Well, mostly it was about getting in trouble with our wives. [Tim walks over to Jim & Kyle]
Kyle: No kidding. Ginger's living with her mother.
Tim: Well, on today's show, we're gonna see if we can straighten things out. Al, I've gotta seat for you.
Al: No thank you, Tim.
Tim: Well, "Tool Time" is more than just home improvement; it's male improvement. And an improved male is more sensitive to his wife. How do we get sensitive? By digging deep down our emotions and sharing our feelings with others. You guys up to it? [Jim & Kyle look at each other and then at Tim]
Jim: I thought we were gonna get to use the tools.
Tim: Not today, Jimbo. What are you feeling? [Jim sits down]
Jim: Well, I guess I'm feeling confused. I was looking forward to using the tools. [Kyle shrugs in agreement]
Tim: Any other feelings?
Jim: I'm feeling... hungry.
Tim: Hey! Good! That's a good, good feeling there. [To Kyle] Kyle, how about you, what're you feeling?
Kyle: I was feeling fine until Jimbo, here, said he was feeling hungry, and now I'm feeling hungry. And that makes me mad.
Tim: Why is that?
Kyle: Because I-I want a big old piece of pork and, and my doctor says it's too fatty. [Shouting] What the hell did I have that bypass for anyway? [Tim gets up to calm him down]
Tim: Hey, settle down, man.
Kyle: [Shouting] I want some pork, dammit!
Tim: Alright! Alright! Alright! Let's steer clear of the meat products for a minute. Let's talk about real emotion. Crying. [Jim & Kyle suddenly look more uncomfortable] When was the last time you cried, [Kyle stands up and looks at Tim. Tim turns to Jim] Jim? [Kyle sits down]
Jim: You mean cried cried, or cried becasue something heavy fell on you? Once I dropped this spinet piano on my foot.
Tim: -- no, no, no, no, no. I mean an emotional experience, [Tim sits down again] a deep one, that we can, we can share with all of us.
Jim: Well, er, now that I think of it, there was one time when I almost cried.
Tim: [Tim pats Jim's knee] Let it go, man.
Jim: It was 1968, the Tigers won the World Series!
Tim & Kyle: Oh, man!
Tim: There was, like six home runs! [Al comes over to them]
Jim: Yeah, yeah.
Tim: Whoa, whoa, talk about emotion, just talk about emotion. '84, they took the Padres, remember that?
Jim: No, no, no comparison. I'm talking '68 when baseball was baseball.
Kyle: You got that right, man. Tiger stadium used to serve up a great pork sausage!
Tim: Yes.
Kyle: Today, now you go out there, a buck-eighty-five, what d'you get?
Tim: Yeah, I-I know what you're talking --
Kyle: -- a hotdog! Two bites and it's gone, huh? I mean you've gotta burp to find out what it tastes like! [Kyle stands up]
Tim & Jim: Yeah! Yeah! [Jim stands up. Tim, Jim & Kyle slap each other's hands]
Tim: Oh, oh good night nurse. I'm spent! [Tim lies back in his chair] Oh! [Jim & Kyle sit down again]
Al: Er, Tim? [Al sits down on a stool]
Tim: You want to get back to work.
Al: No Tim. I was thinking about what you said the other day. About how I wouldn't understand what you were talking about until I was married.
Tim: So?
Al: Made me feel like I was desperate, like I would never be able to find someone who'd marry me.
Tim: Hey, that's not, I didn't, that's not what I meant.
Al: Well, I just wanted you to know that, that it really hurt me. [Tim looks uncomfortable]
Tim: Hey! Hey, hey, Al just shared a feeling! That's, that's, yeah, that's, that's all. [Tim stands up] Why don't we get to that circular saw now. Huh, that's what we ought to do -- [Jim stands up]
Al: -- I mean, while you have a wife and a family, you, you have no idea what it's like coming home to an empty, one-bedroomed apartment every night. [Tim gets his tool belt]
Tim: Al, you've got a great-looking apartment. I've been there, it's nice. [Jim sits down again]
Al: Well, I just, I just think you wouldn't kid me so much if you knew..., well, just how very, very [Al starts to cry] lonely I am.
[Tim, Jim & Kyle look around, not knowing what to do]
Kyle: I'm going back to my seat. [Kyle stands up and goes back to the audience. Jim follows him]
Jim: O.K!
[Tim continues looking around. Tim goes over to Al]
Tim: Al, hey, buddy!
Cut to the living room, later that day.
[Jill is sitting on the couch, winding through "Tool Time" on video]
Tim: [On the TV] It's male improvement. And the improved male is sensitive to his wife's needs. How do we get sensitive? By reaching down deep, getting in touch with our emotions, and sharing our feelings with others.
[Jill's car starts in the garage. Jill turns round to look. Jill switches off the TV]
Cut to the garage.
[Brad, Randy & Mark are sitting in the garage]
Brad, Randy & Mark: Yeah!
Randy: Alright Dad!
Brad: Yeah! You did it Dad!
Randy: You got the car running! Excellent!
[Tim turns off the engine and comes over to them, dancing around]
Randy: Yeah!
Brad: Whoo!
Randy: Yeah!
[Tim gives each of the boys high-fives]
Tim: Whoa! Master mechanic triumphs! [Jill enters. Grunts] Oh-oh-oh!
Brad: [To Jill] Dad did an awesome job, didn't he Mom?
Jill: Yeah, yeah. He really did. Um, boys, why don't you go wash up before dinner.
Randy: O.K.
Jill: O.K. [Brad, Randy & Mark leave. Tim & Jill look at each other] So, you, um put a lot of work into that car?
Tim: Not really. Just had to remove the damaged short block, get all the damaged parts out, get a new short block, had it milled and bored for me, new piston rings, connecting rods, main bearings, oil pump, fuel pump, water pump, upper motor, polish and port the heads, uh, new cuneuter valve, rewire it, add more, add a little more power. But that's about it, hon.
Jill: I didn't realize that, that little oil light could be such a big problem.
Tim: It's just a car, honey. It's not a human being. It's not like the human being I love more than anything else in the world. [Short pause] You know why I like tools? Because they fix things. You tear down a motor, see the problem, it's right there, boom, it's fixed. I wish I could fix things between us that easily.
Jill: Is that an apology?
Tim: I don't think I can apologize enough for the things I do. All I can offer is a lifetime of grovelling at your feet! [Jill laughs]
Jill: That'd be a start. I promise in the future I will always put oil in the car. [Jill puts one hand on her heart and holds up the other one]
Tim: And I'll say nice things about your hair.
Jill: While grovelling?
Tim: You bet! [Jill laughs and they embrace] I'm, uh, I'm prepared to offer cash gifts! [Grunts] Arr!
Jill: [Grunts] Arr!
Tim: [Grunts] Arr-arr-arr!
[Tim chases Jill into the kitchen and shuts the garage door. Tim opens the door again and peers round it. A single tool falls off the tool rack. Tim shakes his head and switches off the light]
Cut to the "Tool Time" studio.
[Tim walks over to Al at the workbench]
Tim: Al.
Al: Tim.
Tim: So?
Al: So.
Tim: Hey, that's a nice looking shirt. Is it br-brand new?
[SUBTITLE: Sorry I made you cry]
Al: No, it's an old one.
[SUBTITLE: Tim must be feeling guilty]
Tim: Well, it looks really good on you.
[SUBTITLE: I apologize]
Al: Thanks.
[SUBTITLE: Thanks]
Tim: Hey, maybe some girl'll see you in that shirt and wanna marry you.
[SUBTITLE: Fat chance]
Al: Thanks Tim. I appreciate that.
[SUBTITLE: I can't wait until I get my own show]
[Al leaves]
Tim: [Grunts] Uh-uh-uh!
Cut to the backyard.
[Wilson is polishing the wooden duck. Tim strokes the duck's beak and the duck pecks at his hand]

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