Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

Flying Sauces

Episode No# 008
Written by:
Billy Riback, Elliot Stern
Directed by:
John Pasquin
Transcript by:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Guest Cast
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Lisa - Pamela Denise Anderson
Pete - Mickey Jones
Dwayne - Gary McGurk
Rock Lannigan - Casey Sander
[Opening credits]
Episode begins at the "Tool Time" studio. Tim and Al are working on a project.
Tim: Well, while we let that cream softner dry, [Tim walks over to the bench] I wanna ask you a question. When you're pounding those finishing nails, do you end up hitting [Al starts tidying up] your thumb more than you hit the head of the nail? Sure you do. Tool tip from old Tim is use a household bobby pin [Tim holds up a bobby pin which is gripping a nail] to hold the nail. It's secured, no problem. Al, d'you want to hold that for me?
Al: [Al looks at Tim] Well Tim, the point of the bobby pin is that you can do it yourself.
Tim: But Al, you're such an important part of the show, I want your help. [Tim raises his eyebrows at the camera. Al comes over to the bench and holds the nail with the bobby pin over a block of wood. Tim takes his hammer from his tool belt. Tim and Al watch each other carefully. Tim gives the nail a couple of taps and then raises the hammer] Aaaaah! [Al moves out of the way, and Tim brings the hammer down on the nail] Good reflexes, Al. You play lacrosse or something? [Tim holds up the block of wood] There you go; we've set the nail and no=one's injured any appendages. Well, before we say goodbye, we get tons of cards and letters, and I'd like to share a real special one with you. [Tim walks over to the center of the set. Al pulls a dust sheet on the floor out of the way] Thank you Al. [Tim sits down in his chair] Lisa! [Lisa enters, wheeling the "Tool Time male bag" and wearing a postman's cap]
Lisa: Here you go, Tim. Special delivery. This one's from Rock Lannigan of Bay City. [Lisa hands Tim the letter]
Tim: O.K., thank you Lisa. Rock writes, "Dear Tim, I'm the foreman for K&B Construction company up here in Bay City. My crew and I watch you all the time. We love your clothes, especially the eclectic Italian look with triple-pleated slack." Thanks fellas. He goes on to say, "Anyway, my crew and I put in a damn hard American day's work. And we get tired of eating a cold lunch out of a metal pail." And who wouldn't? "So we did something about it. We started cooking hot gourmet meals right on the job site using the tools of the trade. Me and the boys call this 'Cooking a meal with power and steel'" [Grunts] Ah-ah-ah! [Tim hands the letter back to Lisa and stands up] This is an inspiring letter, a very inspiring letter. So inspiring I invited these guys from K&B Construction down here to "Tool Time" to demonstrate cooking a gourmet meal on the job site. [Tim takes off his tool belt] So don't miss us next time [Lisa leaves the set] when we will do cooking with what?
Audience: More power!
Tim: You're right. See you next time. [Tim picks up his jacket. Grunts] Ah-ah-ah! [Tim and Al leave the set. The "Tool Time" theme music plays]
Cut to the living room, the next day.
[Randy and Brad are sitting on the couch, watching a sci-fi movie on TV. Jill enters through the front door. Tim is in the kitchen getting some food]
Randy: Hey Dad, they just vaporized the whole building.
Tim: Did they get the general yet?
Randy: Yeah, just now.
Tim: I missed my favorite part. That's where they suck the blood out of his head. [Jill comes over to the kitchen]
Jill: Oh. You're not watching "Red Planet of Death" again?
Tim: No honey, no. This is Madame Butterfly, the backstage look! [Tim goes over to the fridge]
Jill: What're you looking for? [Tim takes out a large bag of peppers]
Tim: Jalapeño peppers. Gonna make some of that four star Happy Trails rootin' tootin' chilli of mine.
Jill: I don't know about the rootin' but there'll be plenty of tootin'!
Tim: Well, just consider yourself lucky I'm not making my rip roaring chilli. [Tim and Jill laugh]
[Mark is sitting at the table, coloring in]
Mark: Mom, look what I colored for you. [Mark holds up a picture. Jill comes over to him]
Jill: Aww. Honey, that's beautiful. [Jill takes the picture. Tim comes over to have a look. Brad runs past]
Tim: Oh, that's some good lookin' airplane.
Mark: It's not an airplane. It's Mom.
Tim: I, I thought those were propellers.
Jill: They are!
[Brad and Randy open the back door. They have their coats on]
Randy: We're going to the park.
Jill: O.K.
Mark: Can I come with you?
Brad: No, you're not coming with us. [Brad and Randy go outside]
Jill: Hey! Hey, hold it there. [Jill goes over to the door] There is no reason that you can't take him with you. [Brad and Randy come back, begrudgingly]
Brad: Mom! We don't want people to know we have a geek for a brother.
Tim: Brad, take your brother to the park with you.
Randy: Alright. Get your coat, dufus. We'll meet you out here. [Mark runs to get his coat]
Tim: Jill, where is that Happy Trails chilli cookbook of mine?
Jill: Why d'you need a cookbook? You're just gonna dump in whatever you want anyway.
Tim: Yeah, I want to throw the book in there. Maybe those pages'll soak up the extra oil! [Jill laughs. Tim goes back to his cooking]
Mark: Mom, Brad and Randy have left without me.
Jill: Well, [Jill looks outside] those little snakes. [Jill gets her coat] Here, I'll take you to the park myself, honey.
Mark: Mom, that's O.K. I'll just go upstairs and play with my truck. [Mark puts his coat down and goes upstairs, dejected]
Jill: What are we gonna do about Brad and Randy? They keep tormenting Mark.
Tim: That's why we had Mark; so they'd leave us alone! [Brilliant line!]
Jill: You just don't know the kind of things that they do to him. Like, a couple of days ago, I made him a chunky peanut butter sandwich, and they told him that the chunks were ground up rat bones.
Tim: So? Older brothers torment younger brothers. It's a way of the world. I did it to my younger brothers. This kid's got to learn how to deal with this by himself.
Jill: I don't believe that older brothers have a special privilege to be obnoxious little pigs.
Tim: [Grunts] Uh?
Jill: No. I think that you and I should get together as a parental unit and have a nice long talk with Brad and Randy about their behavior.
Tim: These are kids without central nervous systems, alright? We have to learn how to out-torment them.
Jill: Oh, I should stoop to their level.
Tim: Exactly! You want to teach Brad and Randy a lesson, [Tim takes a cauliflower out of the fridge] tonight when I'm cooking that chilli, I'll cut up this cauliflower and we'll tell them we've got rabbit brains in there!
Jill: No, no. We're gonna talk to them. We'll just tell them how much they're hurting Mark's feelings, and, and how much their behavior disappoints us. [Jill puts on her coat]
Tim: And if that fails, yeah, old Peter Cottontail hops right into that chilli! [Tim hops the cauliflower along like a rabbit]
Cut to the living room, a little later.
[Jill enters from the backyard with Brad and Randy. Tim is still cooking]
Randy: C'mon Mom, We wanna go back to the park.
Tim: Boys, sit down there. Your mom has something she wants to say to you. [Brad and Randy sit down at the counter]
Jill: I-I believe that we have something that we both want to say to them.
Tim: Yeah right. O.K., whatever your mom is saying, I'm saying it. It's just that she's the one saying it. Which doesn't mean that I'm not saying what she's saying. [To Jill] Say what I'm saying.
Jill: Um, you guys promised Mark that you would take him with you to the park, and then you ran off and left him here.
Brad: We waited in the backyard and he never came.
Tim: You waited five seconds!
Randy: You didn't say how long we had to wait.
Tim: Don't get smart!
Jill: O.K., hey, I, I think you're just missing the point here. We are a family. If one of us is hurting, we're all hurting. If you hurt Mark's feelings, you also hurt my feelings and your father's feelings. Right Tim?
Tim: Right. [Jill waits for Tim to add some more to the conversation]
Jill: And Tim, I, I think you have something that you want to say here.
Tim: Do you guys like cauliflower?
Jill: Tim!
Tim: Alright, alright, alright. However much fun you think it is to torment your younger brother, it's wrong.
Randy: But Dad, what about all those terrible things you did to Uncle Steve? He's your younger brother.
Tim: Uncle Steve is a major pain in the... this is different!
Brad: Why?
Tim: Because Steve knew I was kidding, that's why.
Randy: Well, then why doesn't he come to any family reunions?
Tim: Because he lives so far away.
Brad: No he doesn't. He lives down--
Tim: --hey! Hey! Y'know, we're not talking about your Uncle Steve, we're talking about you two.
Jill: That's right. And we want you to start treating Mark the way that you would like to be treated, y'know, that old golden rule thing.
[Brad and Randy think about this]
Randy: O.K. We're sorry.
Cut to the basement, a little later.
[Tim is sorting through some boxes. Jill comes down the stairs]
Jill: Honey!
Tim: Yeah?
Jill: What're you doing?
Tim: I'm looking for something to put that chilli in.
Jill: How about a trash bag?
Tim: I'm looking for that big pot we take on cook-outs with us.
Jill: Oh, O.K. Y'know, I think that our talk with Brad and Randy really helped. They've been really nice to Mark for almost an hour! [Jill looks through some boxes as well]
Tim: Whoa! Look at this thing. [Tim takes a strobe light out of a box] That old strobe light I had in my dormitory room. [Tim starts "chilling out." Jill looks and laughs]
Jill: Very groovy and far out, man!
Tim: And it wasn't even on half the time! [Tim continues rummaging through the box] Whoa! All these old 8 track tapes. "In-a-gadda-da-vida." [Singing] "In-a-gadda-da-vida, baby." [Jill takes the tape from him and hides it behind her back]
Jill: O.K., smart guy. Who sang "In-a-gadda-da-vida?"
Tim: I just was! [Singing] "In-a-gadda-da-vida."
Jill: [Jill puts the big pot, which she's found, on Tim's head] Who sang "In-a-gadda-da-vida" so people wanted to hear it?
Tim: You are an evil woman. [Tim takes the pot off his head. Jill drops the tape back in the box]
Jill: "Evil Woman" sung by Electric Light Orchestra in 1976.
Tim: Lucky guess.
Jill: Luck. Luck-skill.
Tim: Alright brainiac.
Jill: Alright.
Tim: Who, who sang "Play that Funky Music?"
Jill: Wild Cherry, also 1976. Released on the Epic label.
Tim: Come on.
Jill: "Come on," Tommy Roe, 1964.
Tim: Stop.
Jill: [Singing] "In the name of love," Supremes, 1965. Let's face it, when it comes to this song title stuff, I am the high priestess of pop!
Tim: Well I'm pretty good myself.
Jill: Oh yeah? Name the first song that we ever slow danced to.
Tim: What?
Jill: Name the first song that we ever slow danced to. [Tim thinks] I'm waiting.
Tim: I, give me a minute, give me a minute. Give, I, we were at the, that glitter ballroom. [Tim puts the pot down]
Jill: Hm-hmm.
Tim: We were dancing close. [Tim and Jill start dancing] You had an angora sweater on.
Jill: Hm-hmm.
Tim: Doused in shalamar or something.
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: I had just the right amout of Jayed East on. [Jill laughs]. Our bodies were pressed close.
Jill: Tim, what was the name of the song?
Tim: Did it have the words "cold shower" in it? [Jill laughs]
Jill: No, but if you think of the song, I'll be upstairs. [Jill starts to go up the stairs]
Tim: "Touch me in the morning," Diana Ross.
Jill: I'll touch you in the afternoon if you think of the name of the song.
Tim: I remember the song that we heard when we were in the back of my Corvier and steaming the windows.
Jill: So do I. "The Minute Waltz!" [Tim and Jill go upstairs]
["In-a-gadda-da-vidda" was by Iron Butterfly]
Cut to the backyard.
[Brad and Randy are throwing a football, with Mark piggy-in-the-middle]
Mark: Throw it to me.
Brad: Forget it! You got us in trouble.
Mark: Mom said you're supposed to be nice.
Randy: Huh, you see Mom anywhere in this backyard? Now get lost!
Mark: But you've got to play with me; we're brothers.
Randy: We're not your brothers.
Mark: Yes you are.
Randy: I'm gonna let you in on a secret. We're aliens from outer space!
Mark: You're a big fat liar, Randy.
Randy: My name isn't Randy; it's Zelnod.
Brad: And I'm Zorton.
Mark: [Unsure] No you're not. You're Brad and Randy.
Randy: No. Brad and Randy are gone. We sucked the blood out of their brains and took over their bodies. [Mark looks worried and backs away from Randy. Randy keeps walking towards Mark until Mark is up against the house] We have many powers. We can read minds.
Mark: No you can't.
Randy: I'll prove it. Zorton?
Brad: Talk to me, Zelnod.
Randy: [Randy presses his finger to his temple] I'm thinking of a number between one and ten. [Brad presses his finger to his temple] What is it?
Brad: [Quick as a flash] Four.
Randy: That's right.
Mark: [In disbelief] How'd you do that?
Randy: Re-be-gee. Re-noo. Nani. [Brad and Randy press their fingers together]
Brad: Wonger.
Mark: I'm telling Mom and Dad. You're in big trouble. [Mark starts to go inside]
Randy: Hey! [Mark stops] They're not your mom and dad. They're aliens too.
Mark: Are not!
Randy: Are too. [Brad and Randy walk towards Mark] Our spaceship's coming to pick us up tonight.
Brad: Yeah. And we're gonna leave you here all alone for the rest of your life. [Mark backs away from them and they follow him round the backyard. Mark runs off, upset]
Mark: You don't scare me.
Randy: Hold it! [Mark stops] Better walk backwards until after we leave tonight.
Mark: Why?
Randy: Because aliens can't suck your blood if you're walking backwards.
Brad: Yeah, our real lips are in the back of our heads. [Randy picks up the football and then he and Brad leave. Mark looks around and then walks off. Backwards]
[Commercial break]
Cut to the kitchen.
[Tim is cooking, wearing goggles. Jill is looking through some drawers by the windows. Mark enters, walking backwards]
Jill: Mark, what're you doing?
Mark: Nothing. [Mark walks round the table, backwards]
Tim: Why are you walking backwards? You could hurt yourself doing that.
Mark: Better than getting my blood sucked out.
Tim: [Mouths "Blood?"] He's got a good point there.
Jill: Have you been talking to your brothers? What have they been telling you now?
Mark: They said you're all from outer space.
Jill: Honey, you know that's not true.
Tim: Jill, sometimes you wake up early in the morning and look-- [Jill looks at Tim]
Mark: They said you have lips in the back of your heads.
Tim: Jill, sometimes you wake up early in the-- [Jill looks at Tim. Tim goes back to his cooking]
Jill: Mark, come here, come here. [Jill sits down at the table. Marks comes over to her] Now look here. [Jill bends over and brushes her hair forward] Do you see any lips there? [Mark examines her head]
Mark: Not really.
Jill: There, see. [Jill sits up again] You have got to stop listening to those two. Come here, give me a hug. [Mark and Jill hug] Do you wanna go and get yourself some earth juice?
Mark: Yeah. [Mark takes off his coat and goes to the kitchen]
Jill: Aliens, those guys never stop. I give up.
Tim: It's time for the master tormentor to take over.
Jill: If you want to torment them, you should just ground them with no TV. [Tim goes over to the table. Mark follows him, with his drink. Mark sits down at the table]
Tim: Ha! That would be a penalty for earthlings. We need a penalty suitable for aliens. [Tim takes off his apron]
Jill: O.K., I am behind you. I think.
Mark: Are you gonna make Brad and Randy say they're sorry? [Tim sits down at the table]
Tim: Well, you have two choices: we could either make them apologize, hmm ["So-so solution"]; or we could get even.
Mark: Get even!
Tim: That's my boy!
Tim & Mark: [Grunting] Arh-arh-arh-arh-arh-arh!
Cut to the "Tool Time" studio, later that day.
[Tim, Al and the guys from K&B Construction are cooking]
Tim: Last time I promised construction site cooking. That's why I invited the guys from K&B Construction down here to the set. Rock Lannigan, [Rock salutes] Dwayne Hoover, [Dwayne waves] and Pete Bilker. How're you doing Pete? [Tim and Pete shake hands]
Pete: Hello Tim.
Tim: Nice beard.
Pete: Well thank you Tim. I, er, grew it because of Al. He's my hero. [Al salutes]
Tim: Yeah, mine too. Rock, what you got for us today? [Rock wheels a trolley over to Tim]
Rock: Well Tim, I'm a riveter. I work way up on the high steel and I tell you, it makes it darn hard to get a hot lunch up there. But I've come up with a quick and easy way of making a delicious grilled cheese sandwich.
Tim: Hear my stomach growling?
Rock: Harh-harh. You're gonna love this one Tim. The fellas call it "Cheddar à la Rock."
Tim: Alright. [Rock picks up some cheese]
Rock: I use only sharp Wisconsin cheese because after all, in Wisconsin, [Rock slaps the cheese back onto the trolley] cheese is cheese.
Tim: American cheese from American cows. Mooooo! [Rock pulls out a trowel from his tool belt. Tim moves out of the way of the trowel] Look out! [Rock uses the trowel to spread margarine on some bread]
Rock: I spread on a generous dollop of olio with my trowel. Then I take the cheese and I stick it between the bread.
Tim: Good place for it.
Rock: And then I... [Rock stops and looks around] Tim, I kind of hate to give this little secret away.
Tim: Oh, c'mon Rock, let it go. It's a "Tool Time" crowd. [Grunts] Uh-uh-uh-uh!
Audience: [Grunts]Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
Rock: Alright! Alright! Pete! [Pete throws Rock a container] I sprinkle on a little oregano for flavoring. [Rock throws the container back to Pete] And I fire it up.
Tim: What d'you use to heat that with?
Rock: Well, that's one of the secrets of cooking on the job site, Tim. I go straight for my blow torch. [Rock pulls the blow torch from his belt, lights it, and starts cooking the sandwich on the trowel]
Tim: And that's no ordinary blow torch. That's the Binford 3000 Turbo ignition switch Torch.
Rock: Yeah, you bet ya, Tim. [When the first side is done, Rock flips the sandwich over] See, the trick, you've gotta toast it nice and evenly on both sides so that you seal in that delicious Wisconsin flavor. [Rock flips the sandwich into the air, puts his blow torch back on his tool belt, catches the sandwich, and hands it to Tim] Try that, Timmy!
Tim: [Tim takes a bite] Aww! Hot! [Tim puts the sandwich down and wafts air into his mouth]
Rock: Might wanna let that cheese cool down a little bit there.
Tim: [With a mouthful of sandwich] Oh-haw-haw. Thanks Rock. Dwayne, what d'you have for us? [Dwaybe is over by the bench, with food all laid out on it]
Dwayne: Y'know, I'm out on the job site, way out. Nowhere close to your ordinary kitchen utensils. So I've gotta improvise. Now this here is the dipstick [Dwayne brings out the dipstaick from under the bench] of my 87 two ton pickup. With this, I make my Southern speciality: shish ker-billy-bob. Now, the important thing to remember Tim, before you start cooking, get all that oil off your dipstick. [Dwayne cleans the dipstick with a cloth] Now, I like to alternate [Dwayne starts pushing food onto the dipstick] my meat and my vegetables.
Tim: [To Al] How d'you feel about that, Al?
Al: Well, I'm still thinking about that dipstick, Tim.
Dwayne: I prefer to use USDA choice cube steak, pearl onions, green peppers, and just a touch of summer squash for color. No need to make meal time a drab affair, huh Tim?
Tim: Perish that thought, Dwayne.
Dwayne: Now, for seasoning, I turn to my assistant Pete. [Pete steps over]
Pete: That would be me. I like to [Pete removes two pots from his tool belt and sprinkles them over the kebab] lightly dust the kebab with just a, a hint of sage and some tarragon.
Dwayne: Well, I prefer rosemary, but--
Pete: --er, Dwayne, rosemary's much too harsh for--
Dwayne: --Pete, this is neither the time nor the place. [Pete walks off in a huff] Now, ordinarily Tim, I would wrap this in tin foil and put it on a hot engine. But we don't have time for all that. Here, hold that Al will you. Thank you. [Dwayne hands Al the kebab and walks over to Pete] Now Pete's got one, Pete's got one all cooked up and ready for us to taste. [Pete holds up the kebab]
Pete: There you go Tim. [Tim removes a piece of meat from it using a pair of pliers]
Dwayne: Give that a whirl. [Tim eats the meat] Yeah, how'd you like that?
Tim: It's delicious. I detect a hint of 10W30 on that thing though.
Cut to the backyard, that night.
[Mark enters, wearing his pajamas and dressing gown and carrying a torch. He runs over to the bushes]
Mark: Dad? Dad, Brad and Randy are coming.
Tim: [From the bushes] Alright son, alright. The master tormentor's ready to teach them a lesson they'll never forget. Now the spaceship will be here any minute. You know the plan. Now get out of here, go, go, go. [Mark runs to the middle of the backyard]
Cut to the living room.
[Jill is hiding on the couch. Brad and Randy enter, wearing pajamas and dressing gowns]
Randy: O.K., this is gonna be great. First we'll get him down on his knees, then we'll get him to close his eyes, then we'll sneak back in the house and lock him out. [Brad and Randy go over to the back door. Randy laughs]
Brad: Look he's out there waiting for us.
Randy: Huh, what a geek. [Brad and Randy go into the backyard]
Cut to the backyard.
Mark: Mr. Zelnod, where's the spaceship? [Brad and Randy walk over to Mark]
Randy: It'll be here in two minutes.
Brad: You wait over here. [They take Mark onto the patio]
Randy: Yeah, and remember, when your mom and dad come out, say goodbye real fast.
Brad: But don't hug them or your arms'll melt.
Randy: Yeah. Now get down on your knees and close your eyes. [Mark crouches down on the ground] And whatever you do, [Brad and Randy back away from him] don't move or your skull will cave in. [Brad and Randy laugh to themselves]
[Suddenly Brad and Randy are illuminated by a beam of light. "In-a-gadda-da-vida" plays]
Randy: What is it?
Brad: I don't know. [A strobe light starts]
[Tim comes out of the bushes in a dark "alien" suit, covered with lights. Brad and Randy run off screaming. They try to get in the back door, but it's locked. Tim chases them around the backyard]
Brad: Help! [They knock on the window]
Randy: Help, Mom! Let us in!
[Jill sits up on the couch. She has glowing red eyes and silver teeth. Tim catches Brad and Randy]
Cut to the basement, later that night.
[Tim is with Jill]
Tim: Well, [Tim kisses Jill] I think the master tormentor has done his job. Now I have a little surprise for you. [Tim dims the lights]
Jill: Oh yeah? [Tim starts a tape player. Harry Nilsson's "Without You" plays. Jill smiles at Tim] Hm-hm, you remembered.
Tim: Harry Nilsson, "Without You."
Jill: That's right. [Tim and Jill start dancing]
Tim: I'd be a whole lot happier! [Jil laughs and slaps Tim's back] Just kidding. The master tormentor is now the master rememberer.
Jill: Tell me something. Did you do all this to teach them a lesson or just coz it was really fun?
Tim: What do you think?
Jill: I think it was really fun but I don't think they learned a thing.
Tim: I think you're wrong. I think those boys have learned a valuable lesson and they won't be messing with anybody for a long time. [The boys appear on the stairs, wearing rubber monster masks and shining torches on their faces]
Brad, Randy & Mark: Aaaaaaaaah! [Tim and Jill ignore them and continue dancing]
Jill: Back to bed, boys. [The boys go back upstairs]
Tim: Those kids look a lot like your side of the family!
Cut to the backyard.
[Tim, wearing his "alien" suit, and Jill are dancing to "In-a-gadda-da-vida" with the strobe light]

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