Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

Bubble, Bubble, Toil and Trouble

Episode No# 009
Written by:
Susan Estelle Jansen
Directed by:
John Pasquin
Transcript by:
Jan Nielsen
Corrections should be sent to:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Guest Cast
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Felix - Al Fann
[Opening credits]
Episode begins in the bathroom. Tim is shaving and trying to teach Mark how to do it.
Tim: All right, you're doing a good job there. Do just what I do. Real gentle, easy strokes. Perfect, that's good, that's good. Now go against the grain.
Mark: I don't have a grain.
Tim: That means you can go both ways. [Notices that Mark is doing it wrong] Don't shave your lips. Don't do that. Well that's what I call a manly shave.
[They both grunt. Tim washes his face and gets a shirt. Brad enters and looks in the drawers. Randy is standing in the doorway]
Tim: Brad, stay out of your mother's stuff.
Brad: I just want a hairbrush.
Tim: A hairbrush? [Brad finds a brush] You never brush your hair. What's going on?
Randy: [Nagging voice] It's for his girlfriend, Jennifer Sudarsky.
Brad: Shut up, you geek!
Tim: Easy, easy.
Mark: What does Mom do with all this junk?
Tim: Well, number one: It's not junk. It's women's stuff. It's what makes women different than us.
[Brad takes out an eyelash curler]
Brad: What's this one for?
[Tim takes it]
Tim: I think she pinches something with that thing. [Tim holds it up to his eye] Oh, this for taking her eye out and cleaning behind it.
Randy: Why does Mom have all this stuff?
Mark: Yeah, she always looks the same.
Tim: All right. I'm gonna let you guys in on a little secret, alright? Women, as we know them, are born without a face.
Randy: Bull!
Tim: Listen to me. Women are like a Mr. Potato Head. Yes, you've heard your Mom say every now and then, "Excuse me fellows, I've gotta go upstairs and put my face on!" Huh? She scurries up here and draws one on with this stuff.
Randy: How does she do it?
[Tim takes out a lipstick and draws a line around his mouth]
Tim: She outlines it like this. Perfect. Then, she fills it in with this gook, right here.
[Tim takes out another lipstick and paints a clown's mouth. He looks really funny]
Tim: Just like this.
[Tim turns around from the mirror and smiles at the boys]
Brad: Dad, you look like Nana.
Tim: No. If I were Nana, I would have lipstick all over my teeth.
[Tim shows his teeth. Jill enters and Tim turns around so she can't see his face. She drops some laundry in the laundry basket]
Jill: What is it about our bathroom that fascinates you guys so much?
Randy: It's just way cleaner than ours.
Jill: You can leave now. Go get ready for school. [Randy and Brad leave] Mark, Mark, honey. [Tim turns around so she can see his face] Oh, hoh, hoh. Nice lips. [Jill walks to the sink] Euurgh! [Jill pushes Tim to move him away from the sink] Excuse me.
Tim: Come on, come on.
Jill: Excuse me, what is all this shaving gunk in the sink?
Tim: It's not mine. It's Mark's.
Jill: Ehh.
Tim: Mark!
[Jill cleans the sink]
Jill: What I wouldn't give for two sinks in here.
Tim: We've talked about this long enough. I'm gonna put another sink in this room.
Jill: Oh no, no, no, no, no, you're not.
Tim: It's not that big a job. It's a small job. [Tim walks out of the room]
Jill: There is no such thing as a small job with you, Tim. I mean, first you'd start with the sink, and the next thing I know, you'd be ripping out walls and running the subway through here.
[Tim points at her through the door. You can only see his arm]
Tim: I'll give you free tickets.
Jill: No, honey, honey, honey. [Jill drags Tim in and holds him tight] If we had two sinks, we wouldn't be able to snuggle up together at our one little mutual sink.
Tim: Think about this. With two sinks, I could sit at my sink. You wanna snuggle, I could go over to your sink, do the snuggle thing, and take the subway back to my sink.
[Jill laughs]
Jill: No.
Cut to the kitchen/family room - later
[Jill is sitting at the table and Brad enters through the front door. His hair is standing straight up from his head]
Brad: Hey Mom.
Jill: Hi, Sweetie. [Jill looks up and sees him] What did you do to your hair?
Brad: Nothing.
Jill: Well, then somebody put a curse on you.
[Brad jumps to open the cupboard over the refrigerator. Jill opens it and takes a box of "Krispy"s from it. Brad takes juice from the refrigerator]
Brad: Mom! Jennifer Sudarsky told Keith Snimer that she likes spiked hair.
Jill: And does she?
Brad: Big time.
[Tim enters from the garage. He has not yet looked at Brad]
Jill: Well. I think it makes you look-- [Loud so Tim hears it] incredibly handsome.
[Tim gives Brad a weird look]
Tim: Hey sharp!
Brad: Like my hair?
Tim: No, I mean it's sharp.
[Tim touches Brad's hair with his palm and retracts his hand like he hurts it]
Brad: Funny, Dad!
[Tim walks to Jill at the table and drops some brochures in front of her]
Jill: What is this?
Tim: Do you remember when we got married, I promised to make you a very happy woman?
Jill: Yeah. I'm still waiting.
Tim: I brought us some brochures from "Sinks 'R' Us".
Jill: You just don't quit, do you?
Tim: And to go along with the sinks, all the materials needed to make the bathroom of your dreams.
Jill: Tim. We're not gonna remodel the bathroom. It's fine just the way it is.
[Jill gets up and walks to the kitchen. Tim follows her with the brochure]
Tim: Jill. In five short days, no muss, no fuss, I can put in two sinks, a couple of mirrors, and even a little make-up area where you can apply whatever gunk you want.
Jill: I am not interested.
[Jill pours new tea in her cup]
Tim: Including a grand new whirl pool.
[Tim holds the brochure in front of Jill's face]
Jill: A whirl pool.
Tim: [Smooth voice] And that is right, Mrs. Taylor. [Tim rubs his body against Jill's] Let the six jets of the Turbo Matic 5000 simultaneously massage your cares away and clean those dirty pores. The perfect place to rest and relax after managing that horrible family you call "The Taylors."
Jill: Tim, I would love to have this dream bathroom. Oh, look at that one. But-- No. There's-- there's no way we can afford this.
Tim: This can be a special Tool Time project remodeling, and they can use our bathroom which means they will pay for all of the labor and almost half of the materials.
Jill: They'd pay for it?
[Jill sits down at the table and Tim walks around her]
Tim: [Whispering] Yes. [Normal voice] What's to think about? We've always wanted this done. They pay for it. [Tim sits down] Let me do this for you.
Jill: Will Al be here?
Tim: I don't see what that has to do with anything.
Jill: [Persistent] Will Al be here?
Tim: I want you to listen to me. Al is my assistant. He assists me.
Jill: Yeah, I know. Will he be here?
Tim: Yes.
Jill: I can have anything I want?
Tim: Anything you want. [Tim kisses Jill]
Jill: What if I just decided I just want you, right now?
Tim: Well-- It'll be difficult without Al here to assist me!
[Jill laughs]
Cut to the kitchen/family room - later.
[The boys are coming home from school. Randy runs inside and blocks the garden door from Brad and reads aloud from a letter]
Brad: Hey! Give it back, dork breath!
Randy: [With a sissy voice] "I think you're really cute. I love your spiked hair."
Jill: Randy. Give me that!
[Jill takes the letter from Randy and Brad enters from the other garden door and punches Randy]
Jill: Hey, hey, hey! All right.
Randy: It even smells like a girl.
Brad: So do you.
Randy: So do you!
Brad: SO DO YOU!
Randy: SO DO YOU!!!
Jill: Hey guys. Guys! Come on. Brad, this is so sweet. [Jill smells the letter] You know, I wore the same perfume when I was a little girl. It's called "Tinker Bell". I think you found a very special young lady.
Randy: I think she found a very special case of cooties!
[Randy runs upstairs and Brad follows him. Mark gets up from the chair and runs after them]
Jill: Randy! Hey Mark. Where are you going? I thought you were gonna help me.
Mark: Mom! I'd like to watch them fight.
[Tim enters from the front door with a TV technical guy. Tim points upstairs]
Tim: All right. The bathroom is up to your left. Holler when you get all set up.
[Tim turns to Jill]
Tim: Jill, this is so exciting. We're about ready to start the show. I'm gonna need that sample tile we picked up last night.
Jill: I changed my mind.
Tim: Oh, we decided "Misty Mint".
Jill: I hate "Misty Mint".
Tim: Ehh-- Honey, you've been through a thousand samples in three days.
[Tim and Jill walk to the kitchen counter on which there are laid out 5 tiles all in a pink shade]
Tim: You're losing it. I got a show to do. We gotta get a tile sample. You gotta make a decision.
Jill: I can't. Which of these colors do you like?
[Jill presents the colors]
Tim: I don't care... [Jill gives Tim a look] I do care. I do. Oh boy, do I care!
Jill: [Says each word with emphasis] Which one of these colours do you like?
[Tim wonders]
Tim: Ahh. Jeez. Ehh. These are different colors?
Jill: Apricot, Peach, Cantaloupe, Loquat, and Kumquat.
Tim: We'll put them all together and have a fruit salad in the bathroom.
Jill: No Tim. We gotta live with these colors for the rest of our lives.
Tim: How long could that be?
[Al enters with another guy. Al shows him upstairs]
Al: [To the guy] All right, you can just take your gear right on up to the bathroom.
Jill: Al. Maybe you can help me.
Tim: Oh, like he's gonna know anything.
Jill: Come here, come here. Which one of these colors do you like?
Al: Oh, I like the Loquat or the Kumquat.
Tim: Oh, come off of it, Al. Like you can tell the difference between these colors?
Al: Well, yes I can, Tim. The Loquat is sunnier, yet understated in a non- threatening way.
[Tim closes his eyes and shakes his head]
Cut to upstairs.
[You hear the "Tool Time" theme music. Tim sticks his head out of a doorway]
Tim: Hi. Welcome to "Tool Time". I'm Tim Taylor, your host. Today is a special program that takes place in my own home.
[Tim walks over to another room where Jill is bent over and seen from behind]
Tim: Here's my lovely wife Jill.
[Jill turns around, holding a box of Tampax. She quickly hides it. Tim walks back]
Tim: And of course we all know my assistant...
[Al appears in the doorway and makes a salute]
Al: Howdy!
Tim: Doody! [Tim laughs]
Tim: [To the cameraman] Follow me this way. We're gonna be doing a five-day redecoration of my own bathroom. Before we get started, let's meet our master plumber, Felix Myman.
[Felix is sitting on the toilet]
Felix: Glad to be here, Tim. [Felix gets up]
Tim: Good to have you, Felix. Al, let's get to work.
Al: All right. As you can see, we've taken out our old vanity and sink, and we'll be replacing it with a new double-sink model.
[Al presents the place where it will be. Tim has picked up a tile]
Tim: That's right Al. We'll be covering that sink and backsplash this lovely pinkish sort of tile.
Al: I believe that shade is called Kumquat. [Al takes the tile] It's ephemeral yet graceful.
Tim: Just like you Al. [Tim moves Al away to give room] We removed the vanity, and I found out that I had existing galvanised pipes where-- I wanna redo those with new copper. In order to do that, I have to remove this section of the wall. [Tim puts on some safety glasses and looks directly into the camera, close-up] And for that, I decided to use a 20-pound sledge.
[Tim picks up a sledge hammer]
Al: Uh, Tim. I think you might wanna use our sabre saw here to cut out that piece of wall.
Tim: That might make a cleaner and more efficient cut, Al, but what would be the fun in that? Part of the fun of home remodelling is taking out some aggression. There's no better way to do that than using a 20- pound sledge. [Tim holds the sledge up to the camera. Short pause] Give way, Al!
Al: Well, Tim--
[Tim smashes the hammer into the wall]
Tim: Al?
Al: You wanna be careful when you're using a sledge--
Tim: I know that, Al.
Al: Not to go all the way through the wall.
Tim: Why would I do that Al?!
[Smash. Tim takes one more blow and he smashes through the wall. The camera pans down to show the hole. You can see Jill on the other side looking at the hole just like in the opening credits]
[Commercial break]
Cut to the backyard, evening. (Day 10)
[The bathtub has arrived. Tim, Al, and a couple of guys are in the garden preparing]
Tim: Al, Al. Did I get that piece of sausage out of my front tooth?
[Tim shows Al his teeth]
Al: Yes you did, Tim.
[Randy enters from the house]
Randy: Dad! I think Mom is getting ready to scream again.
Tim: Oh no. She saw that concrete spill in the hallway.
[Tim tries to clean his teeth with his tongue]
Randy: No, we made Mark lie on top of it.
[Mark waves from the hall and Randy waves back]
Tim: Don't you worry about Mom. Once she sees this whirlpool, she won't be thinking about anything else.
[Randy walks back inside. Tim and Al get ready to tape "Tool Time"]
Tim: Are we about ready to go?
Al: Yeah.
Tim: In five, four... [Short pause] Boy, that sausage was spicy.
[Al turns around for a few seconds]
Tim: Three... two... one... [Al makes a salute] We're in the final step of our bathroom redo and that's where we install this beautiful whirlpool bath. To do that, we take it out of the crate, we march it through this door, on upstairs and we plum it with Felix, our plumber.
[Tim walks to the garden door. Felix comes out the door from inside with a tape measure]
Tim: Well there's Felix right now. Hey.
Felix: Hey Tim. We can't get the whirlpool up the stairs. Somebody measured it wrong.
Tim: I was the one-- [Tim realises that he's being recorded] Hey, turn that-- Get that off. [Tim pushes the cameraman away and the screen becomes noise]
Cut to the backyard, a moment later.
Tim: [To Felix] Hey, I told my wife we'd have it up there today. Today!
Felix: Hmm. The only way to get it up in that bathroom is we're gonna hoist it up to the roof...
[They walk to the side of the house and Felix points up to the bathroom]
Tim: What?!
Felix: Tear a hole in that wall and slide her in. Let us know.
Jill: [From inside] Tim!
Al: [To the cameraman] Well, that'll be a break. Let's go.
[Jill enters the garden]
Jill: They broke the mirror, they put in the wrong tile in, we've got a cement-- [Jill notices the tub] Oh, whoa, whoa. What is this?
Tim: This is what will make it all worth while. Your new whirlpool.
Jill: Oh, Tim. It's so beautiful. [Jill gets in the tub] Oh look at the color. It's perfect.
Tim: And not to mention... Seven adjustable jets. Three speeds: Low, Medium and "Who needs a man."
[Jill laughs]
Jill: Well, what are we waiting for. Let's get the guys and take it up to the bathroom.
Tim: Well, darn it, Jill. The guys and I decided not to take it right up to the bathroom.
Jill: [Worried] Well how are you gonna get it up there?
Tim: See that little spot up there? [Tim points up to the bathroom] Picture, if you will, looking out of your new whirlpool tub through a brand-new greenhouse window. All I gotta do is cut a little hole in... in the wall there.
Jill: A little hole about the size of this tub?
Tim: Just a little bigger than the tub, actually.
Jill: Tim! How could you order a tub and have no way to get it in the house?
Tim: Because in the catalogue they're only like this big.
[Tim shows about an inch with his thumb and index finger]
Cut to the kitchen/family room (Day 17)
[Tim is putting a hose in he kitchen from Wilson's garden and talking on the phone]
Tim: [Shouting at Wilson] Wilson, I need more hose.
Wilson: Don't we all, Tim?
Tim: [To the phone] Just tell me where the window is. [Short pause] Backordered? How many idiots order a greenhouse window in the middle of November? [Short pause] What do you mean, you guess one more?
[Brad comes from upstairs, upset]
Brad: Dad, what are you doing on the phone? I'm expecting a call!
[Brad sits on the counter besides the phone]
Tim: I'll be off in a minute. [To the phone] I need that window here today. I live with a very dangerous woman. [Short pause] Thank you. [To Brad] Think fast. Who's calling you so early?
[Tim fills water in buckets]
Brad: Joey said Jennifer Sudarsky's gonna call me this morning before school.
Tim: Whoa! First call from a girl. Pretty scary stuff.
Brad: You said it.
[The phone rings. Brad hesitates and takes a deep breath. The phone rings again]
Tim: Go for it.
[Brad picks up the phone and speaks with a vague voice]
Brad: Hello. [Short pause] Sure. [Short pause] Bye.
[Brad hangs up the phone]
Brad: She wants to sit next to me on the bus.
Tim: Life is good.
Brad: YES!!!
[Jill comes from the hall dressed in winter clothes]
Jill: Tim! What did you do to the water?
Tim: Nothing. Felix and the crew ran into a technical problem.
Jill: What technical problems?
Tim: I don't know. They had to shut the water off but I've got it covered, don't worry. I ran a hose from Wilson's yard and now we've got... [Tim turns on the water] Running water.
[Tim turns it off. Jill feels the water]
Jill: This is freezing cold.
Tim: Well heat it up on the stove.
[Felix comes from the garden]
Felix: Tim! You know the water main you busted?
Jill: You busted? I thought you said it was a technical problem.
Tim: Technically I was the problem, Jill.
Felix: I got good news. I capped off the geyser in the front yard.
Jill: Geyser?
Tim: There is no more geyser.
Felix: Of course your front yard is flooded. I'm gonna have a couple of men sandbag that basement window.
Jill: Tim! The stove won't light. What did you do to it?
Tim: Nothing.
Felix: Oh, that was us. We had to shut the gas off.
Tim: Why?
Felix: Well Tim, you know when you broke opened that water main, we were afraid you'd hit the gas line too, so we shut them both off to be safe.
Jill: Well, should we worry?
Felix: Oh no, no, no. It's not like you're gonna get blown up or something.
Jill: That's it. I'm packing the bags and going to a motel.
[Jill walks to the hall]
Tim: Jill. Come on. Come on!
Jill: Finish the bathroom or destroy the house whatever one comes first!
[Jill walks upstairs. Tim stands at the bottom of the stairs]
Tim: It won't take that long to fix the water main.
Jill: All I wanted was your shaving gunk out of the sink! A sponge could have done that. It was gonna be one day, then five days, now it's what, 17 days, Tim. And what have I got? I've got a hole in the side of the house, a... a geyser in the front yard, no water... sub-zero temperature and... a chance to blow up!
[Jill walks upstairs]
Tim: [Calmly] Honey, I think you're over-reacting.
Cut to show the kitchen.
[Tim is still standing at the stairs and you can hear ticking. Suddenly the stove catches fire]
Cut to the backyard, night, (Day 18)
[Wilson is looking through his telescope]
Wilson: Hi ho, Tim.
Tim: Hi, Wilson.
Wilson: Got your water back on?
Tim: Finally. Here's your end of the hose.
[Tim gives Wilson his hose back and collects his own]
Wilson: Thank you, neighbor. Beautiful night, isn't it? Crisp, clear, cold.
Tim: What are you up to?
Wilson: Just checking the expanding universe, Tim.
Tim: You got a minute?
Wilson: Shut your boosters, Tim, come in for landing.
Tim: I did it this time. Jill took the kids, left me, and went to a motel with them.
Wilson: Mmmm-hmmm-hmmm.
Tim: I dunno what gets into me. This started out as a simple project. I'm replacing a sink. Then I have two sinks, I rip out the wall, boom- bang, I got pipes everywhere, water flowing out, I got a water main shut off, I got... I can't stop this.
Wilson: Well, Tim, you're probably just responding to visceral male urge to create.
Tim: Visceral. Vis... Vis... Visceral?
Wilson: Let's just say gut-need.
Tim: Yeah, that's exactly what it feels like, it's that visceral gut-thing. I like to create Wilson, everything I do, I wanna make bigger and better.
Wilson: Well, Tim. [Wilson leaves his telescope and walks to the fence] This obsessive desire to create partly happens because men feel inferior to women.
Tim: [Grunts] Uh?
Wilson: It's because we can't bear children.
Tim: Ahh... I don't mind the boys that much.
Wilson: No, no, no, Tim. What I mean is, Tim, women can give birth and we can't.
Tim: Yeah, we sure lucked out on that part.
Wilson: Well I don't know, Tim. You were there when your boys were born. Birth is a miracle. Maybe one of the reasons you get so involved in your projects is because you want to create something as wondrous as human life.
Tim: It's a neat thought Wilson. But the way this project's going, I think giving birth would have been easier.
[Wilson has gone back to the telescope and is looking in it]
Wilson: Tim, I think you have company.
[Tim walks to the garden door and sees Jill in the house]
Tim: Thank you Wilson.
Wilson: Good night, neighbor.
Cut to the kitchen/family room.
Tim: Hi.
Jill: Hi. [Randy runs upstairs]
Tim: I thought you and the boys were staying at that hotel.
Jill: I was, but every time I went into that bathroom there and I looked into the sink and didn't see your shaving stuff, I got depressed. I really missed you. I decided that I'd rather have you and no water, than water and no you.
Tim: Now you have us both. The water is on and here I am.
Jill: I'm sorry I got mad and left.
[They hug]
Tim: It's okay.
Jill: You know, it wasn't you that I was mad at. It was just the remodel.
Tim: No, no. [Short pause] I can't give birth.
[Tim puts his hand to his forehead]
Tim: It's a problem in my gut with a visceral thing. Really, really hard thing to explain.
Jill: Don't try!
Tim: Wanna see your new bathroom?
Jill: It's finished?
[They leave. We see Wilson nodding and leaving the fence]
Cut to the bathroom, a moment later.
[Guitar music is playing. Tim and Jill enter]
Tim: Well it didn't come out exactly like I planned.
[He flicks the switch and the light turns on. A huge applause from the audience. You'll see why later. The light reveals a beautiful bathroom]
Tim: But I'm sure, it's not what you want.
[Jill enters and is overwhelmed]
Jill: Ahh...
Tim: Grout's still a little messy.
Jill: Shhh... It's perfect.
Tim: Really think so?
[Jill sees the flowers on the sink and reads the card on them]
Jill: It's even better than I imagined. Oh, Tim.
Tim: Look at this. Bull-nosed tile all along the sink here.
Jill: Ohh...
Tim: And back here, I was able to push the closet back and give you an inset for all your perfume bottles.
[Jill sits down at the inset and turns on the light]
Jill: Ohh...
Tim: Oh. And that's not the best. I got... all chrome-plated brass hinges and fixtures.
Jill: Ohh... Let me just enjoy it. [Jill sees the tub and the window] Oh look, this is just so lovely with the moonlight. [Jill gets in the tub] This is the most romantic bathroom on earth.
Tim: Well, that's not the most romantic part. Watch this. [Tim walks to the toilet] This is truly a woman's bathroom. Seat up... [Tim puts the seat up] Flush.
[Tim flushes the toilet and the seat automatically moves down again. Jill laughs and they hug]
Cut to the bathroom, later.
[We see the bathroom door. Knocks. The voices come from outside the door]
Mark: Mom, when are you coming out? I'm hungry!
Brad: It's not funny anymore, Mom!
Randy: Mom, you've been in there for seven hours! We've run out of bad things to do!
Tim: Boys. Clear out. It's time for what, now?
Brad, Randy, & Mark: MORE POWER!!!
[We see Jill lying in the bathtub wearing earphones. She takes a glass and drinks]
Tim: All right. [Tim knocks on the door and says through a loud-speaker] All right, Mrs. Taylor, we have the whirlpool surrounded. Now get out of there! [Knocks] You're turning into a human prune. Now get out of that tub. [Knocks. Jill drinks] Honey, I wait a week, I start dating!
[Outtakes from the bathroom scene]
Tim: It didn't come out quite like I planned it.
[Tim flicks the switch but nothing happens. He tries again and bangs his hand up against the switch. After a couple of times, the light turns on]
[Beep. Cut]
Tim: Well it didn't come out exactly like I planned it.
[Tim flicks the switch a couple of times but nothing happens]
[Beep. Cut]
Tim: Well it didn't come out exactly like I planned it.
[Tim flicks the switch a couple of times and still nothing happens. At last the light turns on and he falls over on the floor like he's tired]
[Beep. Cut]
[Tim is standing in the bathroom talking to the crew]
Tim: Hello?!
[The light turns on]
Tim: Oh there. It's just delayed. Come on in Honey, what the hell...

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