Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

I'm Scheming of a White Christmas

Episode No# 036
Written By:
B. K. Taylor
Directed By:
John Pasquin
Transcript by:
Jan Nielsen
Corrections should be sent to:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Guest Cast
Maureen Binford - Vicki Lewis
The Manhattan Transfer - Themselves
Cheryl Bentyne
Tim Hauser
Alan Paul
Janis Siegel
Episode begins in the living room with Mark and Jill sitting on the couch. Between them is a box wrapped in paper. They remove one piece of paper after another to find the thing in the middle... The background sound is jingle bells.
Mark: When do we get to the cheese?
Jill: Soon.
[Jill removes the last piece of paper and she grabs a little thing the size of a cookie from the bottom of the packet. She holds it up and looks at it. Mark takes one too]
Jill: This can't be right.
Mark: It's so small.
Jill: I had no idea when I ordered this that it was actual size.
[Tim opens the main door and waits]
Tim: Come on, come on. Hurry up. Let's go. It's about the time for the official lighting of the Christmas extravaganza. Brad! Randy!
Jill: They're not here.
Tim: Where did they go?
Jill: They are still collecting money for the school Christmas drive.
Tim: Oh, it can't wait. They can see it later. Come on, come on...
Cut to outside so you see Tim, Jill and Mark outside the front door.
Jill: Oh Honey. I hope you didn't get back into this whole competition thing with Doc Johnson again this year.
Tim: Please, I'm past it, okay? I have nothing to prove. This year I'm going for a, like, low key approach. [Jill knows that he's not] All right, when I flick this switch, it's gonna be kind of bright, so you're gonna need this sun glasses. [He hands them a pair of sun glasses each and they wear them]
Jill: Oh Tim!
Tim: Don't look directly at the snowman.
[Tim turns on the light and you hear an electric noise to give you the impression of high voltage. There's also an extreme bright light directly at them. Jill looks away. Pause for about 5 seconds while the audience laughs!]
Mark: Mom, Dad? Where did you go?
Jill: We are still here.
[Opening credits]
Cut to the kitchen, a few hours later.
[Brad and Randy come in from outside. Tim is in the kitchen]
Randy: Hi!
Brad: Hey!
Tim: Hi guys! Pretty awesome lights out there, huh?
Randy: It's really hot out there. I don't know if all that the straw around the baby Jesus is such a great idea.
Tim: Randy! He's the son of God. He'll be fine.
Brad: Dad, everyone in the whole neighborhood is standing outside of our house. And they don't look too happy.
Tim: Oh, everyone in the whole neighborhood is out there?! [The next sentence is unclear, but I guess he says the same as the first so I haven't written it] Is Mrs. Swanson out there with those stupid drop ear rings?! Over the door, she's right there?!
[Tim heads for the door and opens it. The bright light falls in. You hear the whole neighborhood shouting at Tim to shut the light off. He closes the door again]
Tim: You know, maybe I should put a dimmer on that. Wouldn't that be a good idea? [To Randy and Brad] So how did you guys do on that Christmas drive?
[Jill comes from behind]
Jill: [To Randy and Brad] Yeah. You were gone a long time. You must have been working really hard.
Randy: Yeah. We walked, like, 300 miles around the whole neighborhood.
Jill: You're doing a good thing. Now, why don't you go wash up for dinner?
[Jill turns on her food processor and it runs for a second or so and the lights go out and the machine as well]
Jill: Tim, Honey! Can we just turn down the Christmas light 'til after dinner is cooked?
Tim: Maybe that'll be a good idea.
[Tim sneaks outside and turns the switch off. The bright light goes out and the light inside comes back. You hear all the neighbors cheer in appreciation. He waves back at them]
Cut to Randy and Brad's room.
[Randy counts the money they have collected]
Randy: 86 - 87 - 88 - 89 - 90! 90 dollars and 24 cents.
Brad: That's a major amount of money.
Randy: We made 90 bucks.
Brad: If we made 90 bucks a day and we worked for 7 days, we would make, like, 200 bucks! [Short pause]
Randy: Brad! Your math tutor must be proud! [Walks on the furniture and closes the door] This is more money than we've ever had on our bed before.
Brad: Yeah, if the money was ours we could buy 30 "Rooster Man" comic books.
Randy: Yeah, and we could get "Barbarian II" for Game Boy.
Brad: Yeah. Too bad you don't get paid for collecting for charity.
Randy: If we were working at a regular job, we'd get paid salary. How much do you think Dad makes?
Brad: 3 bucks an hour.
Randy: Yeah, and Al does most of the work. I mean, we worked hard, and I'm wearing out my shoes.
Brad: So?
Randy: So.
[Randy takes one of the collections cups and begins to count the money. When he says "Charity", he puts a bill in the cup]
Randy: Charity - Charity - Two for us.
Brad: I don't know. This is all supposed to go to charity.
Randy: It will. I'm just taking out a little bit for business expenses. Besides - Mom always says: "Charity begins at home."
Cut to the TV studio back stage.
[Tim sits in front of a mirror and makes himself ready. Maureen comes in with a hatbox]
Maureen: Tim. Oh there you are. Are you ready to shoot our Christmas promo? [Sings from "Deck the Halls"] Fa la la la laaa la la la la.
Tim: You should try to cheer a little up, Maureen.
[Al comes down from a ladder dressed in a Santa suit]
Al: Ho ho ho.
Tim: Look. It's a telephone repairman from the North Pole!
Al: [To Tim] And what would you like for Christmas, little boy?
Tim: A new assistant.
Maureen: [Takes the lid off the box and throws it to Al] [To Tim] All righty. It's your turn [to be dressed up]. Here we go.
[Maureen takes a green elf hat with big ears and puts it on Tim. He looks so funny!]
Maureen: Oh. Couldn't you just eat him? [Nips his chin]
Al: Tim "The Elfman" Taylor [Laughs]
[Tim takes the hat off]
Maureen: Now don't be such a grinch. You look adorable. I've got a wonderful surprise.
Tim: You've joined a convent and took a vow of silence.
Maureen: No silly! I have booked some very special musical guests for our Christmas show. Guess who! Times up! [In a raising pitch] Manhattan Transfer!
Tim: Manhattan Transfer? Didn't you think about checking with me?
Maureen: Tim, are you forgetting? [In a high pitch raising her hands] Producer! Besides, who did you want me to book? Those musical barking dogs that sing "Jingle Bells"?
Tim: Yes! We've been trying to get them for three years.
Al: [To Maureen] They won't do a cable show.
Maureen: Okay now. Come on. Come on, think big time "Christmas Special". Manhattan Transfer.
[Maureen and Al hum some music, probably something from The Manhattan Transfer repertoire]
Maureen: Oh the Tool Time gang. Sitting around the fireplace all cuddly and cosy sipping cider with cinnamon sticks.
Tim: Put a nail and a gun into my temple and kill me right now!
Maureen: Okay. Time to get the promo rolling. The sled is set. Let's make magic! [Backs out clapping her hands]
[Tim runs after Maureen but Al stops him]
Al: Tim, Tim, Tim. Come on. Let's be good for goodness sake.
Tim: All right, all right. But I'm driving. [Runs to the stage]
Cut to the stage.
[Al has stopped him]
Al: Oh wait a minute. Tim, Tim. Tim! You know, it's against union rules to let an elf drive a sleigh.
Tim: What?!
Al: Besides.. Your legs...
Tim: [Looks down] What about them?
Al: They are just a LITTLE TOO SHORT! [Runs to the sleigh]
Tim: Al, AL!
[Al sits up on the red motor sled with fake snow on it. In the back there's a blue screen]
Al: Oh ho HO HO ho.
Tim: Just remember, it's not over 'til it's over, fat boy!
Al: Oh no, wait a minute Tim. Let's be professional about this. This is for charity, it's for the children. The least you can do... is to wear your little elf hat. [Gives it to Tim and laughs. Tim wears it]
Maureen: [Through a loud speaker] Remember, Tim. To make the show machine work, you just hit that button on the back of the sled.
Tim: Yes Maureen. I remember. I'm the one that designed it. Do you recall?
Al: Huh?
Maureen: In 5 - 4 - 3 - 2...
[We see the picture from through the camera. The blue screen is replaced with a shot of a camera flying over a runway so it looks like Al and Tim on the sled is flying. Snow comes down in front of the sled. 15 seconds later, the background changes to flying over a mountain]
Tim: Look out for that mountain Al. [Blindfolds him with his hands. Removes his hands again]
[Al turns the sled to the right and then to the left so he turns around the mountain. The background cuts to a show high in the air with a jetplane in back]
Al: Ho ho ho. Merry Christmas. Join me Santa and Tim "The [laughs] Elfman" Taylor for a very special Christmas Tool Time. We'll be kicking off our...
[Tim takes out a hand grenade and activates it. He drops it into the sled. Al takes it and throws it out. Background changes to a shot from an old black and white western film - a chase from a cavalry. Tim takes out a gun and shoots at the horseriders]
Al: We'll be kicking off our annual 'Tools for Tods' drive to raise money to build playgrounds in the Detroit area. Helping us out is our very special guest: The Manhattan Transfer. Until then... On Donner, on Blitzen, on Comet... [There's a lot of snow falling now and Al is almost choking on it]
[Background changes to a show flying over the mountain again]
Tim: What's the matter Santa? Have you never flown in a blizzard before?
[Tim presses the button and a lot of snow comes in and knocks him of the sled. He screams]
Al: Tim?
Cut to kitchen.
[Randy and Brad are preparing for going out and collecting more money. Jill walks around with a box of Christmas ornaments]
Jill: Where are you two going? I thought you were gonna help me put these ornaments on the tree.
Brad: We are going back out collecting.
Jill: Wow! You guys are troopers. You did this all day yesterday and this morning.
Randy: Yeah. Well, we only made 5 dollars this morning.
Jill: Well, that is 5 dollars that the charity didn't have before you started. You are making a contribution. [Kisses Randy's head] You should be really proud of yourselves.
Randy: Yeah. Well, we are. Thanks a lot, Mom.
Jill: Bye, bye.
[Brad and Randy go out to the garden. Jill puts down the ornaments box on a chair]
Randy: Bye.
Brad: Bye.
[Tim comes in from the front]
Tim: Honey, why did you turn the light off of Frosty?
Jill: There was a plane headed for our house Tim. [She finds some comic books] "Rooster Man"... "Rooster Man". There's a whole stack of these.
Tim: It's a great comic.
Jill: "Barbarian II"... Game Boy. Did you buy them this? I didn't buy them this.
Tim: No, but I wanted it.
Jill: Did you buy them these comics?
Tim: Ah-ah. [No] But I bet Nana gave them some Christmas money last week-end. [Tim finds a watch] I don't believe it! This is the coolest watch in the world! "Time Commander Chronograph".
Jill: What is that doing in Brad's backpack?
Tim: They're my boys. They love me. It's probably my Christmas present.
Jill: How could they afford that?
Tim: They are saving their allowance or something. You know, this has three time zones, it's own built-in alarm. It's good to a 120 metres under water. You could be drowning and still know exact what time it is in Guam. [He sits down on the chair with the box of ornaments. He jumps up and says this very fast] Ornaments, ornaments, ornaments, ornaments!
Jill: Whoa!
[Tim jumps around and Jill tries to get the splinters out of his behind]
Jill: You sat on a glass reindeer.
Tim: Pull it. Go!
Jill: You've got an antler up your butt!
Tim: Pull it out of there.
Jill: Hey okay. Just stop bouncing around. You're gonna get glass all around the floor.
Tim: Well thanks for your concern.
Jill: Outside!
[They go out]
Cut to outside where Tim and Jill go to the garbage bin.
Tim: Ow. Ah. Come here. Pull this one. You got that out of there?
[Jill removes the splinters and throws them in the bin]
Jill: Well, I think so. You'll find out when you sit down.
Wilson: Hi ho ho ho good neighbors!
[Tim and Jill walk to the fence]
Jill: Merry Christmas, Wilson!
Wilson: Jill... I wanna to thank you for that very lovely Smokey Farms gift box.
Jill: I'm so sorry. I didn't realise that those little cheese logs were actual size.
Wilson: Well don't be sorry. They went perfectly with the little bottle of rum I got from the airlines. And this is for you, good neighbors, fresh from the oven. [Hands them a cake]
Jill: Oh thank you. What is it?
Wilson: That is a plumcake. On Christmas Eve, the people of Hertfordshire, England take the cake, stick it on a cow's horn. Then they throw cider in her face.
[Pause for about five seconds while the audience laughs. Tim and Jill just stare at Wilson]
Tim: [To Jill] The malls close early over there. [Jill laughs]
Wilson: No no no Tim. If the cow flips the cake forward it means it's going to be a good harvest.
Jill: Oh. Well, that's very thoughtful of you Wilson.
Wilson: Well Jill, It's all part of the spirit of Christmas giving which you seem to have enstilled in Randy and Brad. The look of joy on their little faces when I gave them that 10 dollar contribution for charity this morning. I was really quite moved. [Jill looks worried]
Jill: Wait a minute, did you say 10 dollars?
Wilson: All the cash I had, Jill. They wouldn't take a check. Well feliz navidad, good neighbors. [He sings something while he walks inside his house]
Jill: Did you hear that?
Tim: Sure did. He can't carry a tune at all!
Jill: No, he said that he gave them 10 dollars. Tim, they told me that they only collected 5 dollars the whole morning.
Tim: [Grunting] Hoh hoh hoh. [Like he would say "Aha"]
Jill: The watch, the video game, the comic books. They're stealing from the charity or from your dresser drawer or something.
Tim: I don't leave money in my dresser drawer, you take it.
Jill: Well, then they are stealing from the charity.
[Commercial break]
Cut to kitchen where Tim and Jill present evidence against Brad and Randy.
Jill: [Gives something to Tim. Is it a CD?] I found this in Bugsy's drawer. [Handing him some comics] These were in Baby Face's dresser. Wait 'til I get my hands on those...
Tim: [Showing Jill a little box] And I found this in Brad's little book bag. A locket. Maybe your Christmas present. [Gives it to Jill]
Jill: How nice. I can put their little mug shots in it. What are we gonna say to them?
Tim: Tell you what I'm gonna say: "The locket goes back. Thanks for the watch!"
[Brad and Randy come home]
Brad: Mom, we're home.
Tim: Well, well. Look who's home!
Jill: Uh-um. [Covers all the evidence on the table with a blanket] How did it go?
Brad: Oh, okay.
Tim: How much money do you think you brought in today?
Brad: Uh, around 20 dollars.
Jill: [Serious] So with the 5 that you brought in this morning that would make 25?
Brad: Yeah, that's a lot, huh?
Randy: And plus the money from the rest of the week.
[Jill removes the blanket from the table, revealing the items]
Tim: Who wants to go first? [Short pause]
Brad: I will. Uh... It was Randy's idea.
Randy: Thanks a lot Brad!
Brad: It was! [They begin to fight. Tim separates them]
Tim: Sit down on the couch. Sit down. Both of you, sit down. Tell where you came up with a stupid idea like this.
Brad: Well, we were gonna give you really neat Christmas gifts.
Tim: Don't give me that!
Jill: Yeah, I can't live without "Rooster Man".
Randy: Well, the watch is for you, Dad.
Tim: And the locket is for Mom?
Brad: No that's for Jennifer.
[Pause for the audience to laugh. Tim doesn't know what to say]
Jill: You just don't get it, do you? That money was supposed to go to the Oak Lane Children's Centre. You stole money out of the hands of kids, who have next to nothing for Christmas.
Randy: Well, we weren't going to take all of it, just some of it.
Jill: Some of it or all of it, it was still stealing.
Brad: We'll do extra chores to work off the money.
Tim: You're darn right you'll do extra chores to work off the money. And then you are gonna go back to the stores and take this stuff back and get the money for it.
Jill: And then you're gonna go back to the shelter, you're gonna take in the money, and you're gonna tell them that you stole it.
Brad: But Mom. They're gonna think we are thieves.
Randy: [Slaps Brad's leg] Good Brad! [Short pause]
Jill: I think you should just go up to your rooms and think about what you did. You can just stay up there for the rest of the night.
[They leave. Tim looks like he doesn't like that they have punished them so hard]
Cut to TV studio.
[I have to describe the cut. The picture from the kitchen becomes a leaf that turns around and flies out of the picture of the TV studio. But the back side of the picture is a WANTED poster with the picture of Brad and Randy with big draw-on red elf hats. Randy has a drawn-on big moustache. Underneath Brad's picture, it says: "Baby Face Brad" and under Randy's "Bugsy Randy." Underneath the names it says "REWARD!!!" Well, back to the TV studio. The show has just started. The music is the Tool Time theme and Tim enters the set. In the back there's a big chimney with Tim, Al, Maureen and Lisa's socks]
Tim: Thank you very much. Oh it's gonna be a lot of fun today. We're gonna have a lot of Tim Taylor Holiday Hints. Like putting up outdoor lighting and get you whole neighborhood together.
[Sits down on a chair in front of the chimney. Jingle bells can be heard]
Al: [Obviously from the chimney] Ho ho ho.
Tim: Don Ho? I don't think so. Saint Nick, and I wouldn't be a bit surprised if old Saint Nick slid out of this chimney a little later and hand gifts out to the whole audience.
Al: Ho ho ho.
Tim: [Shouts up in the chimney] Not yet. NOT YET! What I wanna do first is to introduce the musical guests. No, we couldn't get the barking dogs. [The audience sounds disappointed] But we've got a group that sounds a lot like 'em. Ha ha. Just kidding. I would like to introduce: The Manhatten Transfer, ladies and gentlemen.
[The audience claps and The Manhattan Transfer enters the stage. Tim shakes hand with them one after one]
Tim: Well, it's good to have you here. I've gotta admit, I'm a big fan. I always wanted to know. Who is Manhattan and who is Transfer?
Tim H: Yeah right, right. Now that's the name of the group Tim. Come on. We have our own names.
Tim: [Grunting] Oh yeah, just like the rest of us would have.
Janis: I'm Janis.
Cheryl: I'm Cheryl.
Tim H: I'm Tim.
Alan: I'm Alan. But you know people sometimes call me Al.
Tim: [To Alan] Tim and Al. Do you assist Tim? [Laughs to himself]
Alan: I don't think so, Tim.
[The studio audience clap and laugh. Tim (Taylor) waves his hand to make the audience stop. You hear jingle bells again]
Al: [Still from the chimney] Ho ho ho!
Tim: [To Al] Hey Santa. Shut up! Now Manhattan Transfer will not be using a backup band today because they'll be singing Acapulco!
Tim H: Tim, actually it's "a capella". [Short pause]
Tim: That's warm there too. I love it there. [Says something unclear] Ladies and gentlemen... The Manhattan Transfer.
[The studio audience claps. Tim plays a note. The Manhattan Transfer sings "Santa Claus is coming to town". The whole song is sung without interruption. But there's a lot happening at the same time. I've tried to describe it the best I can. The song is written in capital letters]
Alan: One... Two... One Two...
[Shows Tim sitting with a pipe in his mouth showing a Christmas present]
Cut back.
[Shows Tim again waving a finger and mimes the text]
Cut back.
[They turn around and walk away from the chimney so we can see it]
Al: [From the chimney] Ho ho ho.
[Al slides down but not all the way. He's stuck in the middle]
Al: Tim!
[Tim puts his pipe down and gets up]
[Tim and Tim sit down in front of the chimney. Tim (Taylor) has a fake smile on his face trying to save the situation]
[Manhattan Tim gets up and sings with the other out of shot. Tim turns around and looks up in the chimney]
[Tim tries to pull Al down, but only pulls his right boot off]
Al: No, not my shoe. Don't... Don't pull. [He's still stuck]
[They appear to be finished singing. Tim waves at them to make them start again]
[The shot is on Tim. He waves at the cameraman to show the singers. Tim walks out back stage]
Al: Tim! Tim! Where are you going?
[Tim comes from back stage with a chain saw. He stops when the audience notices him and rocks with the chain saw to the rhythm of the music]
[Tim dances around the chain saw. He sits down in front of the singers and mimes]
Al: Tim!
[Tim walks behind the chimney and the singers in front]
[On "TOWN" Tim appears at the left of the chimney and walks back again]
[Tim appears again and walks back this time rocking the chain saw]
Al: Tim!
[Tim appears again and this time waving his hat]
Al: Tim will you get me out of here.
Al: Don't use a chain saw. Just pull me out.
[On "YEAH" the chain saw is turned on. Sawdust is seen behind the chimney]
Al: Tim! Don't cut through this!
Cut to Brad and Randy's room.
[They are entering]
Brad: Boy, I'm glad that's over.
Randy: Yeah, tell me about it. Can you believe all those kids down at the shelter?
Brad: Yeah, they didn't have anything. And we're stealing money from them.
Randy: We have lots of stuff. I guess we got it pretty good, huh? Come on, let's clean up our room.
Brad: It was kind of weird the way those kids were staring at us.
Randy: They were staring at you. You just stood there making monkey sounds. Uh-uh. [He sounds like when someone punches you in the stomach]
Brad: That's because Mom was poking me in the ribs.
Randy: She wanted you to say something. I had to apologise for the both of us.
Brad: So? I had to give them the money. [Brad picks up a toy gun] You don't ever play with this, do you Randy?
Randy: No, not really.
Brad: Me neither. We could give it to the shelter.
Randy: Hey, great idea.
Brad: [Picks up a helicopter] We don't play with this either. [Picks up something. I can't see what is] And this is Mark's.
Randy: [Picks up a cushion cover, I think] Dump it!
Brad: Randy... Do you really think Dad's gonna hang our pictures up at the post office.
Randy: I hope you're kidding.
Brad: [Opens a drawer] Oh we can give them these.
Randy: [Opens a closet] Okay, and there's a lot of stuff in here.
Cut to living room.
[Tim, Jill and Mark are sitting watching "Tool Time" on TV. We see that Al has been cut down and some people are carrying him out still stuck in a piece of chimney. He is shouting something at Tim, but we can't hear]
Jill: Poor Al.
Mark: He looked so mad. What was he saying?
Tim: He was... He was saying "Merry Christmas and have a happy New Year Tim".
[Brad and Randy come down with all the toys]
Jill: [To Brad and Randy] So did you clean up your room?
Randy: Almost, but we wanted to bring this down.
Tim: What?
Randy: Well, we were just going through some of our toys and we thought that maybe the kids out at the shelter could use them.
Jill: That's a really sweet idea.
Brad: Well, they're just some toys that we don't play with that much anymore. Like this. [Points at the head of a robot sticking it's head out of the sack]
Randy: Or this. [Takes out a little football game]
Tim: [Points at the game] Wait a minute. That's "Tournament Football". I still play with that thing.
Randy: Dad!
Tim: All right, it's Christmas. But remember I'm still high-scoring that thing.
Jill: I think this is a really good idea. We'll take it back to the shelter tomorrow.
Randy: We have some more stuff in the basement.
Jill: Hey, we will just gather everything up that you don't play with.
Brad: [To Mark, opening the sack] Okay. Mark, jump in.
Mark: Shut up! [Gets up and leaves] I'm gonna get some toys.
Jill: Okay.
[Tim and Jill go back to watching TV. The Manhattan Transfer is singing]
Jill: Gosh, they are so good.
Tim: Yeah, but they are no barking dogs. Huuuuu.
[Tim takes a piece of mistletoe and holds it over Jill and kisses her. The camera begins to pan up towards to Christmas tree in the back. You hear some beeping... It's Tim's new watch]
Jill: Tim, I thought you said you were gonna return that watch.
Tim: I'm going to. Look! My blood pressure. It's rising!
[The camera reaches the star at the top of the tree. Underneath a message appears: PEACE ON EARTH]
Cut to next day.
[Jill is wrapping Christmas presents. Tim comes from outside]
Tim: Honey! Have you seen the front yard? Frosty's missing.
Jill: I know.
Tim: Oh, it's not enough for Doc Johnson to win the contest. Now he's gonna hijack my snowman.
Jill: Doc Johnson didn't take it.
Tim: I suppose a 17 foot snowman is hiding from me.
[Jill walks behind the kitchen counter and picks up a big lump of melted plastic. You can see a big pipe sticking out of it. It obviously a melted snowman]
Jill: Does this look familiar?
Tim: [Takes the plastic] Frosty?
Jill: He had a power surge and suffered a meltdown.
[This scene wasn't used in the episode but is shown along with the credits. It's more from the scene where Tim, Jill and Mark watches the snowman wearing sun glasses. The bright light is very sharp. Tim tries to impress Jill and Mark. Jill keeps rubbing Mark]
Tim: Frosty is 17 feet of pulsating light, generated by 120 Volts of volumenous flux. And 50000 lumens per second of uninterrupted power. [Grunting] Ha ha ha hoh.
Jill: This is low key?!
Mark: [Moves his arm around like he's blind] I see spots.
[Beep. Cut]
Tim: Isn't this awesome?!
Jill: Yeah, it would be perfect if we had an air strip on the front lawn!

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