Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

Howard's End

Episode No# 038
Written By:
Stacey Hur
Directed By:
Andy Cadiff
Transcript by:
Jan Nielsen
Corrections should be sent to:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Guest Cast
Jennifer - Jessica Wesson
Lisa - Pamela Denise Anderson
Episode begins in the kitchen. Tim and Jill come from the garage with groceries.
Tim: Quit nagging about my driving.
Jill: I do not. You drive like a maniac.
Tim: You do too nag. And it's not "maniac", it's pronounced MAN-iac.
Jill: You were going 35 miles an hour.
Tim: Whoa! Since when is 35 going fast?
Jill: Over speed bumps!
Tim: Let me ask you a question. Did your head hit the roof?
Jill: No.
Tim: Then I could have gone faster.
Jill: Mark would you please go and get all the stuff that flew all over the back if the station wagon.
Mark: Okay Mom. [Leaves]
Jill: That's the last time you drive. I swear, when we went over that bump, I heard something crack.
Tim: That was just the sound of the car enjoying itself.
Jill: No that was the sound of you enjoying racing that guy at the parking lot exit. You always turn driving into a competition.
Tim: I do not.
Jill: Yes you do. Yes you do. Remember the other day that the 17 year old pulled up in that Camaro and you got that stupid look on your face?
Tim: Which stupid look?
Jill: One of your stupider ones. You know the one where you crawl up your lip like this and you go like a cocky hetero thing. [Makes such a face]
Tim: That's my Elvis. [Makes an Elvis look and voice] You can't beat the King man, you can't beat the King.
Jill: [Laughs] Well my little hound dog, you drive your car the way you want. Don't ruin my beautiful station wagon.
Tim: "My station wagon"?
Jill: Yes.
Tim: That's where we are different. I think of everything around the house as ours.
Jill: Well what about the tools?
Tim: They're ours. I just don't want you touching them.
[Jill laughs. Mark comes from the garage]
Mark: Dad there's a big black puddle under Mom's car.
Jill: Oh no.
Tim: That doesn't mean it's a bad thing. We could have struck oil. It's a gusher. We're rich!
[Opening credits]
Cut to the kitchen with Jill and Randy.
[The doorbell rings]
Randy: Hi Mom.
Jill: Hi... I'll get it.
[Jill walks to door and opens. It's Jennifer. She has a fish tank under her arm]
Jennifer: Hi Mrs. Taylor.
Jill: Hi Jennifer. Come on in. [Shouts very loudly] BRAD! Jennifer's here!
Jennifer: This is my goldfish Howard.
Jill: [Looks at it] Ohh. So this is the Howard Brad is gonna baby-sit. Hi Howard. [To Jennifer] Did you bring a leash?
[Brad comes down from upstairs. Jill walks back to the kitchen]
Jennifer: [To Brad] Hi Bradley. This is Howard.
Brad: Hey. How's it going Howard?
Jennifer: You have to feed him twice a day and keep him in a well-lit area.
Brad: No problem. That's how we take care of Mark.
[Randy puts himself where he can see and hear Brad and Jennifer]
Jennifer: I'll only be gone for three days but I'll really miss you.
Brad: [Looks at Randy and becomes shy] Aha.
Jennifer: Well aren't you gonna miss me?
Brad: [Looks at Randy again] Aha.
Jennifer: Well don't you wanna say it?
Brad: Ah-ah. [Means "No way"]
[Randy laughs and Jennifer kisses Brad on his chin and walks out. At the same time Tim and Mark enter through the front door with a box full of car equipment]
Jennifer: [To Tim] Hi.
Tim: Hi Jennifer. Bye Jennifer.
Jennifer: Bye Mr. Taylor.
Randy: [To Brad teasing him] Brad, I'm going back up to my room. Will you miss me?
[Brad runs after Randy]
Jill: No running in the house!
Tim: Hey listen to her. Stop it! Come on. Hey!
Jill: Stop it!
Tim: Hey!
Jill: [To Tim] Hey what is all this stuff? I thought that you were just gonna go buy me an oil pan thing.
Tim: Why stop there? Mark... Show your mother what we got.
Mark: New shock absorbers.
Tim: Not ordinary shock absorbers... Binford's best nitrogen-filled shock absorbers. They use these in all the off-the-road competitions.
Jill: Tim, I don't intend to drive my car off the road.
Tim: Well you can now. [To Mark] Will you help me put these on?
Mark: Sure.
Tim: All right!
Jill: Mark, go change your clothes first.
Tim: I'll meet you under the car in about ten minutes.
Mark: Okay Dad.
[Mark leaves. Tim goes through the mail]
Jill: You have there any love-letters for me?
Tim: No but I've got one for me. From Damon's Hardware [Reads] "Dear valued customer." [Grunts] That's me: Valued, beloved, loyal. [Goes through the rest of the mail] Catalogue, coupon, [Smells the letter] smells like a pork sandwich, must be from your Mom. Bank...
Jill: [Takes the letter] Thank you.
Tim: ...Bank, bank. If that's from the bank, why is my name not on there?
Jill: It's not for you.
[Tim takes the letter again and begins to open it]
Jill: Hey! Hey! It's a federal offence to open somebody else's mail!
Tim: [Stops opening it] I wasn't gonna open it. [Holds it up to the light so he can read through the envelope. Reads:] "Jill Taylor. This is you new checking account sta... state..."
Jill: "..ment"
Tim: You opened your own checking account?
Jill: Yes I did. Do you have a problem with that?
Tim: No. No problem with that. My wife's sneaking behind my back stockpiling money. Why did you open your own checking account?
Jill: Well you know I'm working now and I have a little money and I thought it would be sort of like mine!
Tim: Great! I've been working for 15 years. That means the money in our joined checking account is sort of like... mine!
Jill: No no no! That will still be ours.
Tim: How silly of me! The money I make, we both spend. The money you make, you spend.
Jill: Now you've got it.
Tim: [Grunts] I don't like that one!
Jill: But I can spend it on you!
Tim: [Grunts] Hoh hoh hoh hoh!
Jill: Yes, see! Back in the old days when I wanted to buy you a birthday present, I had to write a check for it. I always felt like I was spending your money.
Tim: Yeah?
Jill: But now I'm spending my own money.
Tim: So this isn't just like a checking account? It's more like a Tim Taylor birthday account?
Jill: That's a good way of you to look at it.
Cut to later the same day, I guess.
[Randy and Brad are in the kitchen. On the counter is the fish tank. Brad is pouring water in it]
Randy: What are you doing?
Brad: Remember when Jennifer told me to keep the bowl well lit? I think I moved the bowl a little too close to the desk lamp.
Randy: Well that was smart. What did you think? He wanted to read in bed?
Brad: I didn't know the water would get this hot. Just take him out and see if he flops around.
Randy: No way. The only slimy thing I touch is you.
[Brad grabs the fish and puts it on the counter. They both bend over it and stare at it. It's completely dead!]
Randy: [Slams his hand on the counter while he counts] 1 - 2 - 3. He's fried!
Brad: Oh man. What am I gonna do? [Puts the fish back in the tank]
Randy: Hey I know. You can buy her a fish that looks exactly like him.
Brad: Yeah great idea. Let's go to the pet store. [Puts the bowl under his arm]
Randy: What are you bringing that for?
Brad: Well, we need to bring him along to compare.
Randy: Well, it's not like he needs the bowl.
[Brad picks the fish up, let's the water drip off and puts the fish in one of the pockets in his trousers. They head for the pet store]
Cut to garage.
[Tim and Mark are at the workbench preparing the repair of the station car]
Mark: Dad, when's the hot rod coming back?
Tim: Uh, as soon as we get it back from Dave's shop. He's aligning the front end and trying to fix the rumble seat for me. Did you put oil on the gasket there? [Checks it] All right. My son's gonna be a mechanic.
Mark: No I'm gonna be a race car driver.
Tim: [Grunts, impressed] Oh hohhh hoh hohhh. My chest is swelling! All right, under the car. [They get under] Man territory. The beauty's up top, this is where the power is son.
Mark: Mom wasn't happy that you did this to her car.
Tim: But actually this is our car.
Mark: But Mom drives it.
Tim: But I paid for it and I restored it, so...
Mark: So it's really yours?
Tim: Well technically, yes.
[You now see that Jill is standing at the washing machine in the garage. She has heard the whole conversation]
Jill: Is that right?!
[Cut to the car. You hear a bang and Tim legs make a jump]
Tim: Ow! Ow, ow!
Jill: So technically this is your car?
Tim: Technically I've got mild concussion.
Jill: Mark... I need to talk to your father for a while.
Mark: I know. I'll go wash my hands. [He rolls out of the garage on his board]
Jill: Okay, but leave this.
Mark: Oh man!
Jill: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
Tim: Honey, I think you misheard that.
Jill: Maybe I did. I thought that I just heard my husband say that this is his car because he paid for it.
Tim: Well, I know him. I don't think he would have said that.
Jill: I know him better than you and I think he did.
Tim: Look. [Rolls out from under the car] I think of it as mine not because I paid for it, but because I maintain it.
Jill: Well, I maintain the house, so I guess that would make it mine.
Tim: Well, it can't be yours. You didn't pay for it.
Jill: [Puts her foot on his chest] So technically the house is yours because you paid for it?
Tim: Technically, but I don't charge you any rent! Kidding!
[She throws a basket of laundry in his face]
Jill: [Upset] You have just been lying all these year when you said that everything was ours. What you really means was everything was yours, yours, yours. Jill has nothing.
Tim: You have my heart, Honey...
[She slams the door open and walks out in the kitchen]
Tim: your very angry hand. Come on, come on. Jill, don't get all whipped up about this. [He enters the kitchen too]
Jill: [Relaxes a bit] You know Tim, I have always thought of this house as our home.
Tim: It is our home.
Jill: No it's not. It's Tim's house. This is Tim's table. This is Tim's couch. All that stuff over there's Tim's.
[Tim tries to calm her down]
Jill: Here's something of mine. These coasters are mine!
Tim: Actually, didn't Aunt Helen send them to both of us for our wedding?
[She is now really angry and throws two of them after Tim]
Jill: Well, here's your half!
Tim: Good thing she didn't send us bowling balls.
Jill: You are such a hypocrite!
Tim: Me? I don't go sneaking around opening my own checking account.
Jill: Since when it is sneaking around for me to go out in broad daylight and opening an account with my money?!
Tim: [Nagging] "My money, my money"!
Jill: Yes, and I need it because without it all I've got are three kids and a couple of coasters!
Tim: You act like it's my fault I make all the money and pay for everything around here!
Jill: Well, then why don't you take everything around here?! Why don't you take my checking account too?!
Tim: Why would I want that? There's no money in it! [He walks to the garage]
[Now Jill is really furious. Cut to garage. She slams the door so hard that the washing powder and bleach falls down from the shelf over the washing machine]
Tim: Oh! [He really blew it this time!]
[Commercial break]
Cut to garden covered with snow.
[Brad and Randy come from the pet store]
Brad: I can't believe it. Four different pet stores and we couldn't find one that matched Howard's spot.
Randy: How was I supposed to know that there were 20 different types of goldfish?
Brad: Jennifer's gonna be really mad when se sees Howard floating there, dead.
Randy: Hey, what if he's not floating?
Brad: What?
Randy: What if we took a very tiny ball bearing and we stuck it in his mouth? He'll sink to the bottom, she'll think he's alive.
Brad: Yeah, then she'll take him home and think she killed him!
Randy: Right!
Brad: Cool!
[They run and have a small snowfight. Tim comes out the door to the garden]
Tim: You're over there Wilson?
Wilson: Down here, good neighbor.
[Tim walks to the fence and looks over it. Wilson is lying in the snow making a "snow angel" by spreading his arms and feet. His winter clothes even cover his face!]
Tim: Are you making a snow angel?
Wilson: Well, I guess I am neighbor. But actually, I'm preparing for my annual snow-shoe expedition through the upper peninsula and I'm just making sure that my long johns stay toasty and dry. Whoa Tim, I think I found a spot that is not quite water-proof.
Tim: Can I ask you a question?
Wilson: Hop on my sled, neighbor.
Tim: Jill and I got in this bad argument.
Wilson: [Mumbling] Aha, aha, aha.
Tim: She says that I think I own everything now.
Wilson: Well do you think that Tim?
Tim: No. We own everything together. Fifty-fifty.
Wilson: Tim...
Tim: I guess, to be honest, I do kind of feel that I own everything.
Wilson: Well Tim, you wouldn't have that problem if you were a Modoc.
Tim: A who-doc?
Wilson: Tim, I'm talking about the Modoc-Indian tribe and their native tongue. They have no word for "yours" or "mine", only one word for "ours". Each man's material possession belongs to the whole tribe.
Tim: Uhh, it must be difficult when it comes to underwear.
Wilson: You see Tim, in the 20th century, our culture tends to measure a man's worth by his possessions.
Tim: And I've got some cool stuff too.
Wilson: That gives you a feeling of power, doesn't it?
Tim: [Grunts] You bet.
Wilson: And control over your life?
Tim: [Grunts] Ohh. Control...?
Wilson: And control over your mate?
Tim: [Grunts] You... [Realises his problem] You're saying I wanna own everything so I can control Jill?
Wilson: Well Tim, if you own everything you have all the power. [Short pause] Whoa Tim! I feel an icy blast moving up my hindquarters. Let's go in and do a little bit of water-proofing. [Walks inside]
Cut to TV studio.
[On the desk there are some samples of sandpaper]
Tim: And now for the point I've really been waiting for: The heavy duty sanding. And for heavy duty sanding we're gonna need a very special tool. Lisa!
[Lisa enters the studio with a big electric sander]
Lisa: Here you go Tim. [Turns around to leave]
Tim: What have you got there?
[She turns around and walks back]
Lisa: Oh, it's a 2100 electric drum sander.
Tim: That's right. 4.5 horsepower, patented stabiliser.
Lisa: Not to mention full swivelling, trailing wire support.
[Tim looks at her, impressed]
Tim: Almost more than a man can take. [Grunting] Oh oh. Thank you.
Lisa: You're welcome.
[Tim bends down to lift the sander up on the floor he will be sanding]
Al: You might also mention Tim, that this particular sander weighs over [Tim lifts up] 240 pounds.
Tim: Oh! Could you help me with that...?
[They lift it up]
Tim: [Puts his hands on the sander] Put an apron on there, we'll call it Al's mom. [Short pause]
Al: Now because of the weight and the nature of the wood surface, in our case pine, I would suggest going with the 2400 rpm's instead of the opposed to the 28.
Tim: Thanks for sharing that Al. But I think I'm gonna go with 4200 rpm.
Al: Well Tim. It doesn't go up to 4200.
Tim: It does now my stout little friend. I rewired it. [Short pause. He walks on top of the floor and makes ready to sand] Now when going a plain floor like this you wanna go with the grain.
[Tim turns on the sander and begins to sand the floor but after about 5 seconds it goes through the floor. Short pause. Cut to Al standing in the middle of the dust and rubbing his nose in disappointment. Cut back to Tim]
Tim: [To the camera] On first glance, it might seem like I screwed up. [Coughs] But I have actually done this to prove an important point.
Al: That you know absolutely nothing about sanders?
Tim: No! That too much power is not always a good thing. And I know you're asking: What kind of power is he talking about?.
Al: I know I am.
Tim: Well, I'm not talking about the kind of power you plug in. I'm talking about the power of ownership. [He walks to the audience and speaks to them] Too often in our lives we get too much value to our possessions, like the sander here.
Al: Actually Tim, this sander was a rental.
Tim: Whatever Al.
Al: We can kiss that security deposit good-bye.
Tim: I'm glad I put it on your credit-card.
Al: My credit-card?
Tim: Let it go Al. In relationships, you've gotta be equal. Share things equally no matter who makes the money. Because Al and I have a good relationship, we share. But I have no more value than Al.
Al: I agree.
Tim: Even though I make a lot more money... and I get full medical covers.
Al: You get full medical?
Tim: Sure. But Al and I have learned how to share. On the job-site, there's no difference between Al's tools and my tools.
Al: Actually Tim, there is. At the end of a job... [Flicks the switch on the sander but it doesn't work] tools still work.
Cut to kitchen.
[A really close-up shot of the fish tank. Howard is hanging vertically in the water. You can see Brad's face on the other side of the tank through it. Short pause. Jill enters the kitchen]
Jill: Where's Jennifer?
Brad: She's not here yet.
Jill: Well, I bet she'll be happy to see Howard. [To Howard] Howard, did you miss Jennif... [Sees the fish] Brad! This fish is not alive.
Brad: Yeah it is.
Jill: It's standing up straight. Fish don't do that.
Brad: I trained him. Good fish. Keep standing.
Jill: Brad, did you kill Howard?
Brad: Yes.
Jill: Well, if he's dead, why isn't he floating on the top? [Short pause]
Brad: [Smiles] I stuck a ball bearing in his mouth.
Jill: Oh Brad!
[The doorbell rings]
Brad: Mom, that's Jennifer. What am I gonna do?
Jill: Well, you're gonna tell her the truth. Spare her that ball bearing thing.
Brad: Oh man!
[Randy comes down and opens the door. It's Jennifer. She enters]
Randy: Hi Jennifer. Come on in.
Jill: Hi Jennifer. Did you have a nice trip?
Jennifer: Very nice, Mrs. Taylor.
Jill: That's good!
Jennifer: Hi Bradley. Thanks for taking care of Howard.
Brad: Oh, he was no trouble.
Randy: He slept most of the time. [Short pause]
Brad: [Gives the fish tank to Jennifer] I'll see you in school Monday. [Runs away]
Jill: [Stops Brad] Brad!
Brad: [Walks back to Jennifer] Listen... Jennifer...
Jennifer: Brad, is there something wrong with Howard?
Brad: He's kind of... dead.
Jennifer: What happened?
Randy: [To Jennifer] Let's just say he saw bright light and went towards it. [Short pause]
Brad: Jennifer... [She doesn't respond] Jennifer?
Randy: Look Jennifer. It was an accident but all Brad worried about was how you'd feel.
Jennifer: [She faces Brad] Is that true Bradley? [Brad nods]
Randy: He said he'd feel awful if he'd made you cry.
Jennifer: Really Bradley? [He nods convincingly] This is sweet. I'm really glad you talked to me about this..
Jill: Hey Jennifer, maybe we could find a fish just like Howard.
Randy: [To Jill] Ha, good luck!
Brad: Well... Mom, I'm gonna walk Jennifer home.
Jill: Oh okay. Bye, bye Jennifer.
Jennifer: Good-bye Mrs. Taylor.
[They leave]
Jill: [To Randy] Randy, that was so cool the way you stood up for your brother.
Randy: Well Mom, I kind of broke his Game Boy so now he won't beat me up.
[Randy begins to leave and Tim enters from the garage]
Tim: [To Randy] Hey Piston Head!
Randy: Hey crank shaft! [He says "crake"]
[They slap each other a few times and Tim sees Jill. Randy leaves]
Tim: [To Jill] Hi.
Jill: Hi.
Tim: How was your day?
Jill: Delightful.
Tim: Is that cuz I wasn't here?
Jill: Maybe.
Tim: I was talking to Wilson. I think I know what the trouble is. We got in an argument because we tried to define our relationship by our possessions.
Jill: I agree.
Tim: I think we could learn a lot of this tribe called the Mopeds. [Short pause]
Jill: The Mopeds?!
Tim: Yeah, it's a tribe that share everything -- even their underwear.
Jill: Tim, what you talking about?
Tim: The truth is... I do judge myself on my possessions and what I bring into this house. You do so much. How do I put a price tag on that?
Jill: Try.
Tim: Aha! I knew you were gonna say that! [Takes a piece of paper from his back pocket] So I figured this out at work today. I wrote down what you should have earned, could I have afforded to pay you, for all the 12 1/2 years of work you have done around the house. And, even though I wasn't legally bound to do this, I threw in a bonus for the pain of childbirth.
Jill: That'd better be a big bonus!
Tim: Honey... I was there. I know what you went through.
Jill: Oh you do, do you?
Tim: Yes. It was painful for me to. All that screaming hurt my ear.
Jill: Yeah right! [Laughs] How much do I get?
Tim: Listen to this: 580 million dollars and 60 cents. I rounded it up.
Jill: Hand it over.
Tim: I'm a little short. I was kind of hoping I could work some of it off.
Jill: How are you gonna do that?
Tim: By satisfying everyone of your needs. [He kisses her]
Jill: That'll use up about 20 bucks! Since you are being so generous, perhaps I should have my checks reprinted.
Tim: No I was stupid. Have your own checking account.
Jill: No no, I want to. It'll be a joined account. Equal, 50-50.
Tim: You don't have to do this.
Jill: [Writes in the check book] Here. How will that look? [Shows him the checks]
Tim: "Mr. and Mrs. Jill Taylor." [Grunts] Oh oh OH oh oh!
Cut to later same evening.
[Jill is lying on the couch. Tim sits beside her and watches TV. It's quite dark]
Jill: You know Honey, I realised to day that we need to order new checks for the old account. I was thinking. Maybe we should change the design.
Tim: What's the matter with old one?
Jill: Well I don't know. It's just not us. I was thinking it would be nice with like a sunset or some daisies [You can now see Tim's eyes stare at Jill] or some frolicking bunnies.
Tim: I hope you're kidding. You expect me go to the hardware store and order a nail gun with a bunny check?
Jill: Well what do you want?
Tim: Something a little more manly. Armpit hair, marines... kidney stones.
Jill: I'm sure I'm gonna go to the grocery store with armpit hair checks.
Tim: Hey, what happened to all that compromise. 50-50. What's mine is yours. That stuff.
Jill: Okay, how about this: A bunny passing a kidney stone.
[Outtakes from the TV studio sanding scene]
Tim: On the job-site there's no difference between Al's tools and my tools.
Al: Actually Tim, there is. At the end of a job... [Flicks the switch on the sander but it doesn't work] tools still work.
[They look at each other, in the camera, at each other, in the camera, at each other, in the camera, at each other. They laugh, wave to the audience and say something I can't hear]

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