Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

Love is a Many Splintered Thing

Episode No# 039
Written By:
Billy Riback
Directed By:
Andy Cadiff
Transcripted By:
Jan Nielsen
Corrections should be sent to:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Guest Cast
Episode begins in the kitchen. Brad is preparing food and Tim and Jill are coming down from upstairs. They both look tired.
Jill: Oh boys, come on! What are you doing? This is our one morning to sleep in.
Brad: Whoa. You guys really look nasty in the morning.
Randy: Did you look this bad when you met?
Tim: Your Mom did. [Kisses Jill and then gives her one of his "bad breaths"]
Jill: Tim please. It smells like a sea bass died.
Tim: [Makes a bad breath] What are you guys doing banging around down here?
Brad: We made you a special breakfast. Sit down.
Jill: What did you do?
Brad: Nothing.
Jill: Come on! What did you guys break?
Brad: Nothing.
Tim: Whose cat did you shave?
Mark: No one's.
Brad: [Presents Jill with a plate with a lid on] Mom, this is yours.
Randy: [Presents one to Tim] Dad, this one's yours.
Tim: It is huh? Does this have anything to do with me putting that Tabasco sauce in your ice cream?
Randy: [Falsely] Of course not father. I enjoyed that prank.
Tim: [Laughs] So did I. [He knows that there's something hidden under the lid. He thinks of way to avoid it] It was cool... Oh boy. [Looks out in the garden] Oh it's Mrs. Botcher's dog. [Shouting and waving] Get out of the yard! [Jill and the boys look in the garden and Tim switches the plates] Get out of there you stupid dog!
Jill: There's not any dog out there.
Tim: [Finished switching] Oh he slipped right through the bushes there. Well... Let's dig in.
Brad: Mom... Allow me. [Takes the lid away. There's food on the plate]
Tim: Go ahead Honey.
[Runs her fork through it to search for strange objects. Since she finds nothing, she tastes the food]
Jill: Delicious.
Tim: They are?
Jill: They're really good.
Tim: Cool.
Jill: You should try it.
Randy: Here Dad. Dig in!
[Randy lifts the lid and some strange long balloons jump out of it. The boys run and Tim follows. Jill continues eating]
[Opening credits]
Cut to Kitchen.
[Jill is sitting by the table writing something. Randy and Brad are coming home from school]
Brad: Hi Mom.
Randy: Hi Mom.
Jill: Hi guys. How was school?
Randy: Great. They announced that summer vacation begins in February.
Brad: Yeah, and no one has to do homework ever again.
Jill: That's nice. What else?
Brad: Randy's gonna be in the talent show.
Randy: [Slaps Brad] Shut up!
Jill: You're gonna be in a talent show?! That is so cool. What are you gonna do? Are you gonna sing? Tap-dance? Do you need my help?
Randy: No. I'm gonna be doing a ventriloquist act.
Jill: I love ventriloquists. When I was growing up, I used to watch them all the time on "Ed Sullivan."
Brad & Randy: Who?!
Jill: Never mind. You're gonna look so cute holdin' a dummy.
Brad: He finally gets to work with somebody his own size.
Randy: Yeah and somebody with your IQ!
Brad: Randy, you don't know anything about being a ventriloquist.
Randy: I'll read about it. You see Brad, the library has these new things -- They're called books. They're like comics but they don't have any pictures! [Does a "Home Alone" face with his hands]
Jill: Hey come on guys. Cut it out.
[Tim enters from the garage but Jill doesn't notice]
Jill: Randy, I'm really proud of you. You're trying new things -- that's great.
[Tim sneaks up behind her and shouts]
Tim: Honey I'm home! [Laughs] Hey.
Jill: [Laughs] You're so weird!
Tim: Thanks. Hey guys. [Makes a strange face and says a word. I can't figure it out]
Brad: Randy is doing a ventriloquist act in school.
Tim: Hey, where are you going to get the dummy? Hey-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Can I carve you one? I can make you a life-like little friend out of 100% American pine.
Randy: You could?
Tim: Yeah, you have seen what I can do with my hands.
Randy: Yeah but I don't want you to make the dummy explode.
Tim: [Takes a beer from the refrigerator] Do you want me to carve it for you or not?
Randy: Yeah.
Tim: Cool.
Randy: Thanks Dad. [The boys leave]
[Tim walks to the table. Jill is putting some papers in her bag]
Tim: What's all this?
Jill: A compatibility test.
Tim: A compatibility test?
Jill: Yesss. It's so women can tell if they're in a relationship with the right man. It's for the special Valentine's issue of next month's magazine.
Tim: [Reads] "How does your mate rate?" How do you rate a guy that's already an ace?
Jill: I think you mispronounced that. Don't worry Honey. You did great on the test.
Tim: I didn't take this test, you know.
Jill: I know. Men don't take the test. Women take the test, for the men.
Tim: So you think up the test and answer your own questions? Very fair.
Jill: Thank you.
Tim: Who thought of this?
Jill: Me and about five other people. [Begins to set the table]
Tim: Were there any men involved in this group?
Jill: No but Arlene and Vicky have very strong, masculine sides.
Tim: A little quiz for women to show how stupid their husbands are.
Jill: No it's fun. You get points for all the different answers. You could rate anywhere from "Night in Shiny Armour" to "Neanderthal."
Tim: Well you took it for me. How did I do?
Jill: 98...
Tim: [Grunts] Yeah!
Jill: Out of 300.
Tim: Okay. [Reads] "If your husband was something you'd find in a kitchen, what would he be?" Oh that's deep, oh yeah that's deep.
Jill: I think you'll find this very insightful.
Tim: "A: An oven -- Warm and self-cleaning." Not me. "B: Garbage-disposal -- Grating and eats anything. C: A refrigeratorr -- Very cold and the light's never on." These are stupid.
Jill: Well come on. You haven't read the one that I picked for you. Read "D".
Tim: "D: A tea kettle -- Hot and steamy, done in two minutes." [Pause] Like I'm a tea kettle.
Jill: Well Honey. You do whistle when you're done.
Cut to TV studio.
[Al is using the wood lathe to make a table leg]
Tim: One layer at a time there. [Al turns the machine off] Al has been showing us some real craftsmanship on this wood lathe today. Al, do you suppose if you couldn't pay for this all at once, you'd have to put it on lathe-away?
Al: I don't think so Tim.
Tim: Anyway, a lathe is a very amazing machine. You can turn out all sorts of interesting products from table legs to baseball bats, just like this beautiful American ash bat we made today. [Picks up a baseball bat] Boy I love baseball. As a kid I used to love playing it. Klaus, let's have some ambient baseball noise.
[You hear sound of audience talking. Music signals a player is about to throw the ball. Tim waves and the music stops. He gets ready to hit the imaginary ball that will head towards him in a couple of seconds. He swings and you hear the sound of a ball being hit. Tim looks up towards it]
Tim: Right over the wall Al. A tape measure job. Here, take a swing buddy. Come on. Come on. Come on buddy.
[The music starts again. Al gets ready to hit the ball and Tim squats behind him to catch the ball. Sound of a ball being caught and Tim makes it seem like he caught a ball]
Tim: Stee-rike Al. Those high hard ones are tough. Take another shot. Come on, come on!
[Al and Tim prepare themselves again. Sound of a ball getting caught like before]
Tim: Two strikes on you. Don't worry about it buddy. You're in. Come on Al.
[The same thing again. Al walks back to the workbench]
Tim: All right Al. You are OUTTA THERE! [Takes the bat]
[The music starts again]
Tim: [To the camera] Maybe I could salvage this.
[He sees the imaginary ball coming towards him and turns the bat around and hits the ball with the handle end like with a pool cue]
Tim: Ground rule double, buddy. Ha-ha-ha. Well enough foolishness, though. But with the lathe, you can build your own bat.
Al: Yes, and tailor to your own individual grip.
Tim: That way, you know that you and the bat are compatible. Hah, unlike a woman, who has to take a quiz out of a magazine to figure out who she's compatible with. [Sits down and with female voice, lisping] If my husband was a pie, [High pitch] what kind of pie would he be? [Normal, shouting] I'm not a pie. Men aren't pies -- Are you a pie, Al?
Al: Well I'm a Pisces.
Tim: Thank you Al. Men know what I'm talking about. I'm right! We don't have to go through a quiz to figure out who we like. We see a woman, we go: "Do I wanna take a bath with her or introduce her to my sister?"
Al: [Holds up the usual poster with the Tool Time address] That's "Tim Taylor, c/o Tool Time, P.O. Box 32733..."
Tim: Give it a rest Al, give it a rest.
Al: Can we get back to our project?
Tim: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... [Gets up] I'm sorry. I don't think we have time actually, to turn this leg form. Why don't you just show them the leg you turned earlier today? [Al shows it] This is a beautiful example what Al turned today, out of maple. I love it. Well Al is not the only one who can turn a leg. Earlier, I made this out of a perfect piece of ash.
[Tim takes out a woman's leg dressed with a high-heeled shoe]
Cut to the living room.
[Randy is practising ventriloquism and Mark is sitting behind him reading a comic book. Randy's dummy is a hanger with a shirt and a cap]
Randy: [Trying not to move the lips but does anyway] She sells seashells, down by the seashore.
Mark: Saw your lips move.
Randy: Hey, shut up!
Mark: They moved again.
Jill: [Entering] How's it going?
Mark: He stinks.
Jill: Mark, we're a family. We support each other. Your brother doesn't stink.
Randy: Yes I do.
Mark: Told you!
Randy: You can see my lips move.
Jill: Honey, don't be so hard on yourself. Edgar Bergen didn't learn this in a day.
Randy & Mark: Who?!
Jill: Just keep practising.
[The boys leave and Tim enters. He is freezing]
Jill: Tim, where have you been? You're late.
Tim: Hi Honey. I was doing some important research.
Jill: [Laughs] Oh hoh hoh. Really?
Tim: Yeah. [Takes out a piece of paper] I don't think it's fair that women make up all these quizzes about men. So I made up this little quiz about women. [Laughs]
Jill: Like mine "How does your mate rate" test?
Tim: Yeah. I'm gonna call it "Is your life more rife with strife because of your wife?"
Jill: [Laughs] What scientific minds came up with this one?
Tim: Me and a couple of guys at work, you know. [Manly] Howie, Leroy, Moose.
Jill: Moose? Isn't he that crane operator who rides a motorcycle and has, like, a tattoo on his shoulder?
Tim: Yeah but he has some very strong feminine sides. Well we came up with a rating system. It goes from "Cavewoman" to "Bambi, the Love Goddess."
Jill: "Bambi, the Love Goddess?" I take it, there aren't any math questions on this quiz.
Tim: You got that right. All right. [Reads] "Does your wife nag you more or less than six times during a football game?"... More.
Jill: I never nag you during a football game!
Tim: Hey, hey... I'm taking this for you, okay? "How many times did your wife nag you during this quiz?"
Jill: Oh this is so stupid.
Tim: That'd be two times, right there. Now the scientific part -- "If your wife was a piece of hockey equipment, what would she be?"
Jill: Let me see that! [Takes the paper and Tim laughs] "If your wife was a piece of hockey equipment, what'd she be? A: A goalie mask -- Wiry and closed off. B: A stick -- Long, rigid and likes to hit things. C: Elbow pads -- Soft, flexible and a good housekeeper." What does housekeeping have to do with elbow pads?
Tim: Takes care of the joint. [Short pause] This is great.
Jill: You're so pathetic.
Tim: Read the next one.
Jill: "D: A jockstrap -- Gets in the way a lot but basically supportive."
Tim: And you fell right in between elbow pads and a jockstrap.
Jill: Well thank you so much. I'm so honoured.
Tim: [Breaths out] I'm sorry punkster, but that's the best you did, right there. According to my little quiz, you and I are just not compatible.
Jill: What, I don't need a test to tell me that. How did I do?
Tim: 88.
Jill: Out of what?
Tim: 7 million.
Jill: So I guess, I'm not "Bambi, the Love Goddess", huh?
Tim: Actually, you'll need 10 more points to catch up to "Tina, the inflatable party doll."
[Commercial break]
Cut to the living room.
[Jill is trying to help Randy doing the ventriloquism by reading aloud from a book]
Jill: Okay, it says: "In order to pronounce the letter 'v' without moving your lips, make a gentle cough followed by a soft 'g'." Ahh, try to say: "Hi Aunt Vivian."
[Mark enters and sits behind them]
Randy: [Sigh] Hi aunt [Cough] gee-i... [Cough] ...ian.
Jill: Very good.
Randy: Mom, I can't do this. Besides, I feel like an idiot talking to a hanger.
Jill: Well you shouldn't think of it as a hanger. You should think of it as a real living person. We should give it a name.
Mark: How about "Hanger?"
Randy: Mom, a hanger can't have a name.
Jill: Yes it can, yes it can. Here, let me try this. [Takes the dummy] Okay, we're gonna call this guy "Spanky." How're ya doin' Spanky? "Good." What's your favourite nursery rhyme? [Sings] "Ary ad a ittle am." ["Mary had a little lamb."]
Randy: That was great Mom. "Harry had a little ham?"
Jill: [Laughs] Okay wise guy, you go up and work on this or you're not gonna get any dinner!
Randy: Why, what are we having? Heat loaf?
Jill: Tim, Tim. On your way to work, will you pick up the dry cleaning?
Tim: Yup. Ohh, by the way. The other day when I was talking about being incompatible, you know, I was joking around.
Jill: Good.
Tim: You were kidding too, weren't ya?
Jill: [Caresses his cheek] No.
Tim: But you're kidding now.
Jill: [Kisses him] No.
Tim: Well if we're so incompatible, how is it we get along for 14 years?
Jill: Well... I'm an exceptional woman and I make all the compromises.
Tim: Back the marriage carriage up here a little bit. You make all the compromises?
Jill: Yeah, we always do what you wanna do.
Tim: We don't.
Jill: Yeah, I went to that truck pushing thing with you.
Tim: Truck pulling. Pull!
Jill: Whatever.
Tim: I go to the opera with you.
Jill: Oh once. I've been to three Rambo movies. When was the last time you took me to a foreign film?
Tim: I... Didn't we just see "Le Robo Cop?"
Jill: I let you hang that ugly picture up there. [Camera shows the picture]
Tim: Ugly? That's the Monterey Grand Prix '64. It's one of a kind. That's worth some coin.
Jill: Good, then sell it. You can hang up the quarter.
Tim: Ohhhh! I let you put Percale sheets up in the bedroom. I wanted "Heralds of the NFL".
Jill: Like I wanna sleep for the rest of my life on Dick Butkus!
Tim: Think about it!
Jill: We haven't even talked about the biggest compromise of all: The kids.
Tim: Where are the boys a compromise?
Jill: I wanted girls, you wanted boys. I gave you boys.
Cut to garden.
[Tim opens the door and talks from inside]
Tim: Yo Wilson. Are you over there?
Wilson: Right here Tim.
Tim: Have you finished painting that dummy for Randy yet?
[Camera shows Wilson with the dummy in front of his head so you can't see either of their faces. He is painting it]
Wilson: Hmmm hmm. Almost. I must say, you did a wonderful job of carving it.
Tim: Thanks buddy. [Walks to fence]
Wilson: Oh I have always been a big fan of ventriloquism. A noble art of the Latin words "venter" and "loqui", meaning to speak from the belly.
Tim: I do that after eating Mexican food.
Wilson: [Mumbling] Aha, aha.
Tim: You mind if I ask you something?
Wilson: Throw your voice good neighbour.
Tim: Jill's taking this stupid test. It says we're not compatible. I know we love each other. I just wonder how we stay together if we're so different.
Wilson: Well Tim, much of it has to do with the unity of the opposites, the Yin and the Yang.
Tim: Those two pandas at the Washington Zoo?
Wilson: No no Tim. That would be Ling-Ling and Tsing-Tsing.
Tim: [Grunting] Ohh, Tsing-Tsing...
Wilson: Yes. What I'm talking about is the paradox of a relationship, and a paradox is not necessarily a bad thing.
Tim: A paradox is not necessarily a bad thing...
Wilson: Hmm hmm. There you go neighbour. A paradox creates tension, and tension is energy, and energy is a force, and we all live in this force, and that's the excitement of life and [Laughs] love. Are you with me Tim?
Tim: You're saying, a paradox is not necessarily a bad thing...
Wilson: Hmm hmm. Tim. I believe it was André Maurois who said that a successful marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt every day. [Puts the dummy down]
Tim: [Grunting] And I like rebuilding. Hammer, hammer, yeah saw, hammer.
Wilson: That's because you have an edifice complex. [Laughs] Oh my gosh, I do crack myself up sometimes. [Walks to the fence] But I think what Maurois was trying to say is that there is a deep chasm between man and woman and every day we must build a bridge and cross over to the other side.
Tim: Wouldn't that put Jill on my side and me on her side?
Wilson: No no no Tim. In a successful marriage, man and woman will meet in the middle.
Cut to kitchen.
[Randy is sitting at the counter reading. Jill enters from the garage]
Jill: Hi Randy.
Randy: Hi Mom.
Jill: What's wrong?
Randy: Well, the principal asked me to do some ventriloquism, I tried to say "Hi Aunt Vivian" and I coughed in her face.
[Tim enters from the garden with the dummy under his coat]
Tim: Hi Honey. Hey Randy. Don't look, don't look! I finished your dummy. I think you'll find this the handsomest dummy ever. You guys ready?
[He takes out the dummy and it looks just like Tim!]
Randy: Wow! That's great!
Jill: It's so amazing. Gosh, it's so real! It's hard to tell, who is who.
[Tim turns the dummy's head around so he can look directly into its eyes. He opens the dummy's and his own mouth and screams]
Tim: Isn't it cool?
Randy: Wow, that's great Dad. But I'm not a very good ventriloquist. My lips keep moving.
Tim: That's why I designed it this way. Watch -- Your lips don't have to move. [To the dummy] Okay Tim Junior. Look over at me. Hi. How do you feel about that more power? [The dummy grunts] "Hoh hoh hoh. Oh." [Raising pitch] "Oooooh! Ehhh." [Jill laughs] "Hoh hoh hoh." [High pitch] "Ho ho ho ho." [Increasing then decreasing pitch] "Hohhh."
Randy: Cool. I can do that.
Tim: I know you can. Try to work it out upstairs. All right, in front of that big mirror on your door. [Gives Randy the dummy]
Randy: Okay, thanks Dad. [Leaves]
Tim: You bet, buddy.
Jill: [Says something to Randy] Tim, you outdid yourself.
Tim: Sometimes I do that.
Jill: Look, I got us some videos and some pizza.
Tim: Uh-hoh... Before we do that, I've been thinking.
Jill: What was the occasion?
Tim: I think we're compatible even though you like Percale sheets and I wanna sleep with Dick Butkus.
Jill: Why are we compatible?
Tim: Because we choose to be. You and I are a pair-of-ducks and that's not necessarily a bad thing.
Jill: Pair of ducks?
Tim: Yeah, Yin and Yang. They couldn't swim the Chisholm River, right? So they build this bridge and they sat up there and quacked.
Jill: A bridge?! Are you trying to tell me you build a bridge?
Tim: No no no no no no. Ehh... Don't get me wrong. What we do... is we start over every day. I choose you, you choose me.
Jill: So we're, kind of like, stuck with each other. [Walks to Tim and holds him]
Tim: Yes... And you know what? With you, [Kisses Jill] I don't mind compromising.
Jill: I don't either. You know, I've even started liking those stupid bloody action films.
Tim: Really?
Jill: Yeah... Wouldn't mind having Arnold Schwarzenegger sheets.
Tim: [Schwarzenegger voice] Maria... [Normal voice] You know, I like going to the mall with you.
Jill: Really?
Tim: [Looks around, whispering] Ahh, I kinda like buying lingerie.
Jill: [Whispering] I think that better stay our secret.
Tim: You thought I said... [Jill laughs]
Cut to living room.
[Tim is sitting on the couch with the dummy. They turn their heads towards each other, open their mouths, and move their heads away from each other again. Look at each other, look away. Look at each other, close mouths. Look away, open the mouths]
Tim: All right Tim Junior. Now... Let's do our impression of a very bad Godzilla movie. [Chinese accent, quick] Oh no Godzilla. Monsters behind that building.
[The dummy's mouth is going up and down, like clattering. Tim looks over his head towards the hall]
Tim: Come on Honey. You've had enough time practising with that thing.
[Jill comes from exited the hallway carrying a dummy that looks exactly like her]
Jill: Oh Tim... I love it!
Tim: Cuz it looks like me!
Jill: No, I mean mine!
Tim: Ohhh... Jill Junior.
Jill: [Sits on the couch] Here we go.
Tim: All right Tim Junior. I'd like you to meet Jill Junior.
[The two dummies look at each other, open their mouths and scream]
Jill: [Laughs] "Nice hair, Helmet Head."
Tim: "Is that your face or did you Dutch elm disease?"
Jill: "Why don't you look at me when you talk to me?"
[Tim Jr.'s eyes look left towards Jill Jr]
Jill: You're not a very good ventriloquist. I saw your lips moving.
Tim: Why don't you come over here and I'll show you how they do ventriloquism in France.
Jill: Oh yeah?
Tim: Yeah...
[They kiss and the dummies come from the sides like curtains in a theatre and cover Tim and Jill. The dummies open their mouths]
[Outtakes from the TV studio. It's the beginning of a taping of Tool Time. The audience applauds and the camera pans from behind the audience to showing Tim and Al entering the set]
Tim: Hi everybody. Welcome to Tool Time. I'm your host, Tim "The Toolman" Taylor. [Takes off his jacket and puts it in his left hand behind his back] You all know my assistant Al, I caused the...
Staff: Run it from the top, we're still rolling.
[Beep. Cut]
Staff: 3... 2...
[Applause from the audience. Tim and Al enter. Tim looks at his fingers and doesn't say anything. They both turn around and walk out of the set again. Beep. Cut]
Staff: 5... 4... 3... 2...
[Applause from the audience]
Tim: Hi everybody. Welcome to Tool Time. I'm your host, Tim "The Toolman" Taylor. [Takes off his jacket and puts it in his left hand behind his back] You all know my assistant Al, I caused the... [Says something unclear]
[Beep. Cut]

Valid XHTML 1.0 Transitional Valid CSS We rated with ICRA We rated with Safe Surf