Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

You're Driving Me Crazy, You're Driving Me Nuts

Episode No# 041
Written by:
Maxine Lapidus
Directed by:
Andy Cadiff
Transcript by:
Corrections should be sent to:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Guest Cast
Officer Lambert - Kevin Scanell
Karen - Betsy Randle
Marty - Cleto Augusto
Episode begins with a view of the "Tool Time" set.
Al: When cutting the shelving for your entertainment centre, you want to remember the old carpenter's adage: "Measure twice, cut once".
Tim: Yeah, but what about that other adage by the carpenters? "Why do birds suddenly appear, when you're near?"
Al: If you'd like plans for our entertainment centre, write to us at Tool Time and ask for plan A340. [Al holds up the card with the "Tool Time" address on it]
Tim: But A340 won't include the little adjustment I made.
Al: And what little adjustment would that be, Tim?
Tim: I installed a little full service swing out drawer for the VCR.
Al: Well, plan A340 does not require a pull out drawer and will not be in the blueprints.
Tim: Al, Al, Al, let's not get hung up on blueprints shall we, Al. Let's think about the many things in life that were built just on the old noggin, using the imagination - like the seven wonders of the world.
Al: I believe the Sphinx required extensive blueprints, Tim.
Tim: Al, Al, Al, I'm talking about the seven wonders of the manly world. Wing nuts. Oh-ho-ho. The athletic cup! Ha-ha-ha. Gatoraid.
Al: You're comparing Gatoraid to the Sphinx?
Tim: Has the Sphinx ever replaced your electrolytes? I don't think so, Al.
Al: Tim, can we stop this nonsense and please get back to our project at hand?
Tim: As you can see, I've added a new roller on the drawer here using Binford's new easy-glide system. It's Teflon coated so it's just like fluid movement.
Al: Well, I hope you put stops on the front of the track, Tim.
Tim: [Excitedly] Gosh, I hope I did otherwise it'd fall right out! [Pulls the drawer forward till it hits the stops] Ha ha ha.
Al: It worked. I.. I apologise.
Tim: It's a fluid like movement so you can move your VCR in and out just like that. [Al pushes the VCR shelf back into the unit and it falls right out of the back of the unit and onto the floor]
[Opening credits]
Taylor House - Living Room
[The camera pulls back from the TV which is showing a basketball game]
Tim: Come on Isiah. There he goes. There he goes. Drives a lane then he shoots. He scores! Alright!
Brad: [Runs into the room with Randy] Dad, what game are you watching?
Tim: I taped the Piston/Bulls game from last night.
Brad: Oh, great game, the Pistons.
Tim: Hey, quiet! I don't want to know the score. I didn't see it last night. That's why I taped it. I didn't look at the paper.
Randy: Oh, so you don't want us to ruin the surprise for you?
Tim: Yeah, brainiac, that's the idea. Aren't there some ants you can burn somewhere? Something like that?
Randy: Brad, this has got to be worth something.
Brad: I mean, at least a couple of Bucks.
Tim: It's not worth any Bucks. Nothing. You're not getting no money. OK.
Randy: OK, but, you know, we wouldn't want the score to accidentally slip out.
Brad: Like ninety-eight.
Tim: Alright! Quiet! Quiet! Boy, you boys! [Tim takes his wallet out of his pocket and gives Brad and Randy two dollars] Here, that's all I got.
Randy: Dad, we meant two Bucks each. [a brawl ensues]
Tim: Go, go, get out. [Brad and Randy leave]
Jill: [Enters from the kitchen] Tim, will you sign this card for Sheila.
Tim: Not now. I'm watching this Piston/Bulls game I taped.
Jill: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know the Bulls, that's Marvin Jordan, right?
Tim: Yeah, Marvin- Michael Jordan. Michael Jordan.
Jill: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Don't get too involved in it. When Karen gets here, we've got to go to Sheila's wedding.
Tim: What's the hurry. The groom probably won't even show up.
Jill: Don't say that. Don't say that. It's bad luck.
Tim: How much worse luck can the woman have? She's been jilted at the alter, like three times.
Jill: [Doorbell rings] I know. I'm in the wedding this time. I'm going to bring her luck.
Tim: You were in our wedding. Didn't bring us that much luck.
Jill: Very funny. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. [Opens the door and greets Karen] Come in.
Karen: Hi.
Jill: Hi. Thank you so much for baby-sitting for us.
Karen: Oh, it's my pleasure.
Mark: Hi Karen.
Karen: Hi Mark. Ready for a hot hand of "Go Fish"?
Mark: Sure. I'll run and get the cards.
Karen: Hey, Tim! [Tim waves without looking around] Oh, don't bother to get up.
Tim: Wasn't even thinking about it.
Jill: Tim, it is so noisy. Can you turn it down, please?
Karen: OK, tell me everything. Is it a big wedding? Is he spending a fortune? [Tim points the remote control at Jill and Karen and tries to turn their sound down]
Jill: I can't believe it. Her father-
Tim: [Puts down the remote control] It's not workin' hun.
Jill: He's going to be spending like four thousand dollars on the flowers alone.
Karen: Four thousand dollars?
Tim: That's right. She's thirty-eight. He'd pay anything to get her out of the house now.
Karen: Alright, where's the slam about me being thirty-six and single?
Tim: That was last year. Now you're thirty-seven - and desperate.
Karen: Not true. It just so happens I am dating a very nice attorney. He took me to the Pistons game last night.
Jill: Oh, that's the game that Tim is watching right now.
Karen: Oh yeah, wasn't that great when the Pistons won it right at the buzzer! [Tim's head drops and he switches off the TV]
Jill: Oh, come on, Tim. You weren't going to see the whole game anyway. [Tim mimics spitting venom at Karen as he walks past her] What did you do with that list of instructions that Sheila gave us?
Tim: I tossed 'em out.
Jill: Oh no! Why?
Tim: We have been to North Adams a hundred times.
Jill: Well, I need those. They're very specific, you know, to get to that church. Here they are.
Tim: I know the church she's almost been married at three times. You just follow the tear-drops right up to the door.
Jill: I can't take any chances, I have to be there a couple of hours early.
Tim: I think you're forgetting who has the radar-like sense of direction around here.
Jill: Tim.
Tim: Yeah?
Jill: The car is out front.
Tim: Well, the radar doesn't really kick in till you get in the car.
Out on the highway in the Chevvy Nomad
[The camera moves in on Tim and Jill in the car. There is snow on the bonnet of the car and snow flakes are falling all aroung]
Jill: Tim, I don't think we're on the right road.
Tim: We're fine. We followed all the signs for the detour.
Jill: Sheila said that after forty-five minutes, we should pass a twenty-foot guy holding a huge donut.
Tim: Well, we missed him. Maybe he's out looking for a forty-foot cup of coffee to dunk it in.
Jill: Tim, what road are we on?
Tim: One-twenty-seven heading south.
Jill: One-twenty-seven. Sheila said we'd see a place called Rhonda's Discount Hair Outlet.
Tim: Does Sheila know roads actually have numbers. Ninety-four, One-twenty-seven. There's no Interstate big-guy-with-a-donut. Honey we're fine. We took Ninety-four west, just past Ann Arbor, south on One-twenty-seven, looking for County Line Road right into North Adams.
Jill: Tim, that sign. It just said Two-twenty-three.
Tim: Can't be. I haven't turned off One-twenty-seven.
Jill: Well, maybe we should stop and ask for directions?
Tim: Honey, I know where we're goin', I know where we are.
Jill: There's a sign. Adrian - six miles. [Looks at the map] OK, Adrian. Adrian is on Two-twenty-three. We're down and right. We're supposed to be up and left.
Tim: Thank you Rand McNally. Do you mean North and West?
Jill: We have gone way out of the way. Way out.
Tim: Yeah, but we're only an inch or so.
Jill: I see, so when we hit Ecuador, you'll just say we're off by about a foot and a half.
Tim: Honey, we're fine.
Jill: Ask for directions!
Tim: By the time I stop and ask for directions, we're gonna be where we're going.
Jill: Not if you drive around in circles.
Tim: Watch the map, please.
Jill: What?
Tim: You're folding it wrong.
Jill: Folding it wrong! Who died and made you the map police? [Waves the scrunched up map in Tim's face]
Tim: [The car swerves] Honey!
[Time passes]
Jill: Tim, my feet are freezing, I'm starving.
Tim: Eat your feet!
Jill: Fine! I'm not giving you any.
Tim: Oh, come on. I got some Lifesavers. That'll hold you over.
Jill: Thank you. Why can't we just stop and ask for directions?
Tim: Because we're almost there.
Jill: Tim, I have to be there early enough to be able to put my dress on.
Tim: We're close. Next sign we see. North Adams. Right there! What's that say?
Jill: Welcome to Ohio!
Tim: Well, we won't be needing that Michigan map now will we.
Jill: If we hit Kentucky, I'm filing for divorce.
Tim: Alright, alright, I'll pull over. You know, seeing that sign was a good thing. Now we know that we're finally in the right direction.
Jill: Oh good. Pull up at that mini-mart there and you can find out how to get to North Adams.
Tim: I don't need directions now.
Jill: Stop and ask for directions or I will get up early every morning and burn your Sports Section. [Tim brings the car to a halt]
Inside the Mini-Mart
[The shop assistant is sat behind the counter, and a policeman is browsing near the door]
Tim: [Tim enters the shop] Whoa, boy! Cold out there. Officer.
Officer Lambert: Hi there. What can I do for you?
Tim: I'm on my way to a wedding and I've got to find One-twenty-seven.
Officer Lambert: One-twenty-seven. That's pretty far. You're really lost.
Marty: Way lost.
Tim: Well, I was letting my wife do the navigating, you know how that is.
Officer Lambert: OK. You're on County Road Six.
Tim: Right.
Officer Lambert: You want to follow that north two tenths of a mile to Twenty.
Tim: Is north right or left?
Officer Lambert: That's left.
Tim: Thanks a lot you guys. [Starts to leave the store]
Marty: No, you can't go that way.
Officer Lambert: Sure he can, Marty.
Marty: No, radio says County Road Six closed near Twenty, John. Fallen tree.
Officer Lambert: Ah, yeah.
Marty: You can take County Road Six, turn west on Elmwood.
Officer Lambert: Which is right before Oakwood. So you hit Oakwood, you've gone too far.
Tim: OK. What's before Elmwood?
Officer Lambert: Edgewood, but what do you care, you're going to Elmwood.
Tim: Thanks guys. [Tim starts to leave the shop again]
Officer Lambert: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What am I talking about? Elmwood's closed.
Tim: Fallen tree?
Officer Lambert: No, dead cow. Frozen to the highway.
Tim: What?
Marty: Happens a lot.
Officer Lambert: Go North. That's left.
Tim: Alright.
Officer Lambert: OK. Now at Beechwood you turn east, that's right.
Tim: Uh huh.
Officer Lambert: Now Beechwood become Route Two. But you won't know that cuz it's called Evelyn, but it doesn't matter cuz the sign blew down.
Tim: Sign's down.
Officer Lambert: OK. Now continue going east, on Evelyn, also known as Beechwood, a.k.a. Route Two till the fork in the road. Now, north left is Carmelita. Right south is Maple. You want right south, Maple. Got that?
Tim: Cows freeze to the highway a lot?
[Commercial break]
The Chevvy Nomad again on the highway
[Tim is staring hard through the windscreen. The snow is coming down harder than before. Jill is changing in the back seat.]
Jill: This is insane! I'm getting dressed in the back seat of a car. I cannot believe it.
Tim: You look terrific.
Jill: Why are we not there yet? I mean, didn't we get those directions like an hour ago.
Tim: No, no, it wasn't that long. We're almost there, honey. We're close. Boy it's been a long time since you were undressed in the back of this car.
Jill: Just keep driving.
Tim: You know sometimes I forget just how sexy you are.
Jill: Well, keep forgetting! [Tim looks over his shoulder at Jill and the car swerves across the road] Keep your eyes on the road. [Jill hits Tim]
Tim: Can't. The storm is getting worse. I can barely see anything.
Jill: There are some lights up there. Just pull up at that place and find out where we are.
Tim: We're in North Adams. I can feel it.
Jill: Oh, just pull in and see.
Tim: Stay here.
Outside the Mini-Mart
[The Nomad pulls up. Tim gets out. We see a police car next to the shop entrance. Tim runs to the door.]
Inside the Mini-Mart
[Tim comes in through the door and brushes the snow off himself.]
Tim: [Tim looks around and sees the same two people as he'd seen before] Oh, no.
Officer Lambert: Hey, hey! How's it going?
Tim: I'm in Hell.
Marty: How was the wedding?
Tim: Terrific! Oh, what a great time. Now if I gotta head back to that wedding, what's the best way to get back there now?
Officer Lambert: Why would you want to go back?
Tim: My wife left her purse there. Just like a woman, huh.
Officer Lambert: You're lost again, huh?
Jill: [Jill comes into the shop, using the map as a shield from the snow] Tim, do you know where we are now?
Tim: Yeah, I know exactly where we are.
Jill: Oh, that's good. [To Officer Lambert] Hi. [To Tim] I think I better call the church and tell them we're going to be late. [Jill moves over to the phone near the door. The back of her dress is tucked into her undergarments]
Officer Lambert: So, this must be your lovely wife, huh?
Tim: Yeah. [Tim notices Jill's dress] Jill, Jill. Do you feel a draft at all?
Jill: [Jill adjusts her dress and turns back to the phone] Area code four-one-nine! Are we still in Ohio?
Marty: Yes ma'am. The Buck-Eye state.
Jill: Didn't you tell me that we were in North Adams?
Tim: I said I know exactly where North Adams is.
Officer Lambert: Sure does. We gave him directions over an hour ago.
Jill: You gave him directions? Is this the place that we stopped at before?
Marty: Sure. We haven't moved.
Jill: How did you do this?
Tim: Well, I was a little confused with the blizzard. You were naked in the back seat.
Officer Lambert: Whoa-hoa, hey hey come on now, this is Ohio. We have laws.
Jill: I hope you're happy about this.
Tim: Oh, yeah, thrilled. Look at me. It's how I planned it man, drive round three hours, blizzard, get lost, end up in Marty's Mini-Mart here in Ohio.
Officer Lambert: You folks own that red station wagon out there?
Tim: Yes we do.
Officer Lambert: It's rolling backwards down Elmwood.
Tim: [Tim runs from the store] Whoa, whoa , whoa , whoa , whoa!
Taylor House Living Room
[Karen and the three boys are sitting at the table playing cards]
Randy: Does anybody have any- Karen! Don't cheat.
Karen: Cheating? I wasn't cheating. Just checking to see if Mark needed any more hot chocolate.
Brad: I'll get some.
Karen: OK.
Randy: Does anybody have any [Looks across at Brad who is looking at Karen's cards. Brad holds up four fingers on his left hand] fours?
Karen: [Throws down the fours from her card hand] Darn it! You guys always win.
Tim: [Tim enters by the front door, his coat covered in mud] Hi everybody.
Brad: Oh, Dad!
Randy: Who're you? Frosty the mud-man?
Tim: I really don't need to hear this now, OK!
Karen: You obviously got the car dug out of the ditch.
Tim: I got the car out of the ditch.
Brad: Mom must have been mad when you got lost in Ohio.
Tim: Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh she loved it. Best night of her life.
Brad and Randy: Yeah, right!
Randy: I guess that's why you didn't come home with your wife. [Tim grabs the top of Randy's head and pulls it backwards so Randy is staring up into Tim's face] Over the edge?
Tim: Way over the edge! Uncle Bill took her to the wedding. He's going to drop her off a little later.
Mark: Why didn't you go?
Tim: Go like this? Mud-man? I think it's time you guys went to bed. Wash up before you go.
Brad: Look who's talking!
Tim: I heard that! [To Karen] Thanks for watching these guys. How were they?
Karen: Oh, they were great.
Tim: Did somebody get the Redwings game on videotape like I wanted?
Karen: Oh, yeah, yeah, it was a great game. The Redwings won three to two. [Tim lowers his head in disbelief] Guess you didn't want to hear that did you. Goodnight. [Karen leaves. Tim goes out into the garden]
Taylor House - Garden
[Wilson is out in his garden as Tim emerges from the house]
Wilson: Hi-ho, Tim.
Tim: Hi Wilson, you're up late. What are you doing?
Wilson: Well, I'm just packing some snow to send to my cousin Ernie in Pongo-Pongo. He really misses the Winter.
Tim: He does?
Wilson: Course, he pays me for it. And let me tell you, there's no business like Snow business. Ha ha ha. Oh, I'm on a roll.
Tim: You won't believe the night I've had.
Wilson: Well from the looks of you, I would say that you pushed a car out of a ditch, and from the nature and texture of your clothes, I would say you were somewhere in Ohio.
Tim: From the sound of that, I would say you were talking to Karen.
Wilson: Ah, I can't fool you neighbour, Tim.
Tim: Do you hear the whole story? I spent half the night driving around in circles.
Wilson: Mm-hmm. Through a couple of states, I believe.
Tim: All Jill wanted me to do was stop and ask directions. I didn't do it because I hate asking for directions.
Wilson: Well, all men do. It makes them feel subservient.
Tim: Well, I really was sure that I knew where I was going. I sensed it, you know.
Wilson: That's because men navigate by instincts and women navigate by landmarks.
Tim: Yeah, she kept talking about some huge man with a donut.
Wilson: Sure, that's the sign for Bill's Big Bun Bonanza. The turn off for North Adams.
Tim: [Tim lets out a grunt] Huh, I should've just done what she said. You know. Got directions and forget my stupid instincts.
Wilson: Oh, Tim. Don't sell your stupid instincts short. Do you realise that people have a tiny compass in their nose?
Tim: No, I was never aware of that, no.
Wilson: Yes it's true. People have a tiny iron deposit in their nose. It's right up here near the adenoid bone, and that gives them directions to magnetic north and since men have more iron in their bodies than women, it only follows that they would make a better compass.
Tim: [With his fingers tuck up his nose] If I got such good instincts, how come I couldn't find the way?
Wilson: Pardon me, Tim?
Tim: Well, if I've got such good instincts, how come I couldn't find the wedding?
Wilson: Well, Tim, a map is a little more accurate than your nose - plus it's a heck of a lot easier to fold. Oh, here comes your beautiful bride, Tim.
Tim: Good night Wilson.
The Living Room
[Tim returns from the garden as Jill is arriving back from the wedding]
Tim: Hi.
Jill: Hi.
Tim: How'd the wedding go?
Jill: There wasn't one. She got stood up again.
Tim: Not again.
Jill: I couldn't believe it. The guy called the caterer and cancelled the dinner. Caterer broke it to Sheila in kind of a mean way too. Walked over to the wedding cake and just ripped the groom right off the top.
Tim: Just left a shin and a knee-bone there, huh.
Jill: Sheila told everybody to go home. You should have seen Aunt Merle trying to stuff all the jumbo shrimp in her purse before she left.
Tim: [Pointing at the top of the cake on the counter] This was too big to fit in her purse?
Jill: She got the bottom three layers. When I left, Sheila was crying into a double bourbon, having to listen to that nephew of hers - you know - Todd, play You Light Up My Life on the accordion.
Tim: Some night, huh. You know, my direction is usually better than that. I just got all disorientated, even though my nose is all filled with iron boogers.
Jill: What?
Tim: Don't worry, you got 'em too.
Jill: No, don't explain, don't explain. I have already decided that this whole night is poor Sheila's fault. I mean the woman is cursed. Did you get anything to eat?
Tim: Uh-uh.
Jill: Do you want some cake?
Tim: Sure.
Jill: Will you get some forks and knives. [Starts to cut the cake] Let's see.
Tim: Oh! [Tim takes hold of the knife with Jill] Know what this reminds me of?
Jill: Yes.
Tim: Our wedding.
Jill: Our wedding was so beautiful. I am so glad that I didn't let anybody talk me out of marrying you.
Tim: Who tried to talk you out of marrying me?
Jill: Oh no-one. Just my Mom, my Dad, my sisters, my friends, the minister, the postman, some guy down at the mailbox, you know, oh, and Sheila who said to me "Don't marry him, I know a loser when I see one".
Tim: Well, a good thing she was wrong.
Jill: Who said she was wrong? [Tim pushes a piece of the wedding cake into Jill's face]
Taylor House - Kitchen
[Tim is stood at the counter. Brad and Randy are sat at the counter eating some of the wedding cake]
Tim: This is the best cake Sheila's ever had.
Randy: I'm never getting married.
Tim: You and Sheila have a lot in common.
Brad: Dad, what was your wedding like?
Tim: Your Mom really loved it. But, I gotta be honest, weddings aren't really for men.
Brad: What do you mean?
Tim: [Jill appears in the background] I mean women invent weddings for other women. Flower girls tossing little petals around. All the bridesmaids look like big, swollen daffodils in these little taffeta gowns.
Brad: Well, then why get married?
Tim: Well, cuz one day you'll meet a real wonderful girl, who'll badger you into thinking it's a great idea.
Jill: Is that right? [Tim chokes on his cake]
Tim: [To the boys] Did you see her over there?
Jill: So, tell me Mr. Wedding-genius-expert, how would you plan a wedding?
Tim: Oh, easy, I'd go with that football theme. The gridiron wedding. Have the minister stand up there, you know where he stands you put a big one of those wide-screen TVs right behind him - so you catch the play-offs. Right at the right moment, the minister would say "You may raise the helmet, kiss the bride". Then you'd spike the ball and carry her off.
Jill: So, I don't hear any complaints about the honeymoon. You wouldn't do anything to change that?
Tim: Oh, yeah, yeah. After the wedding, you take the bride back to the honeymoon suite, lower the lights, turn on some music, play some air-hockey.
Jill: Well, I like that.
Tim: OK.
Jill: So, how many games would you be up for?
Tim: How many quarters you got, little lady?
Jill: I got a whole new roll.
Tim: [Grunts] Oh-no.
[Tim and Jill in the Nomad]
Jill: Why can't we just stop and ask for directions?
Tim: Because we're almost there.
Jill: You know it's six-thirty. I was supposed to be there like a half an hour ago.
Tim: Come on, honey. I don't have any idea what my line is.
Jill: Ha ha ha.
[Taylor House - Kitchen]
[Jill and Tim are eating the wedding cake]
Tim: It's a good cake isn't it.
Jill: Yummy.
Tim: Yummy.
Jill: Yeah, really good up the nose, too.

Valid XHTML 1.0 Transitional Valid CSS We rated with ICRA We rated with Safe Surf