Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

Bye, Bye Birdie

Episode No# 042
Written By:
Susan Estelle Jansen
Directed By:
Andy Cadiff
Transcript by:
Jan Nielsen
Corrections should be sent to:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Guest Cast
Jennifer - Jessica Wesson
Episode begins in the Taylor bedroom. Tim and Jill are both sleeping. Short pause. You hear a woodpecker peck. Tim wakes up. Pecks, Jill wakes startled....
Jill: What?! Whatta ya want now?
Tim: Can't you hear those annoying sounds?
Jill: I told you not to eat that bean dip.
[Short pause. Pecks]
Tim: It's that stupid woodpecker again.
[Pecks. Tim gets up and walks to the window]
Cut to outside.
[Where you see Tim in the window shouting upwards towards the roof]
Tim: Hey! HEY!
[Tim closes the window]
Cut back to bedroom.
[He walks to the bed. Pecks]
Tim: Now he's had it!
Jill: What are you gonna do?
[Tim picks up Jill's robe and walks towards the window]
Tim: Get rid of that woodpecker.
Jill: No, not with my robe.
Tim: I'm just gonna shoo him away.
Jill: Oh!
Cut to outside.
[Tim slams the robe at the roof over his head]
Tim: Ah! [Slam] Go away!
[Slam. Slam. The robe is stuck in the gutter]
Tim: Darn gutter!
[He rips the robe to him and the gutter falls off the roof. Pecks]
Cut back to bedroom.
Jill: What was that?
Tim: [Manly] Nothing!
[He leaves the bedroom. Jill realises she's freezing - Tim has left the window open. She gets up, closes it and walks back into bed. Tim returns with an old broom. He tries not to disturb Jill. He just thinks the window is still open so he just walks ahead and smashes the window with the broom. Pecks]
[Opening credits]
In the Kitchen/Family Room, next morning.
[Jill is cleaning up after breakfast and Randy is just finishing his]
Jill: [Shouting] Brad, come on. The bus will be here any minute.
Brad: [Tries to look sick] Mom, I don't feel too good.
Jill: What's the matter?
Brad: I don't know. I think I have a fever.
Jill: [Feels Brad's forehead] You don't feel hot to me. Here, I'll take your temperature.
[Tim enters from the garage]
Tim: [To Jill] What's the matter with Brad?
Randy: [Answers quick] Well he's dumb and he has a dorky haircut.
Tim: Paging Dr. Shot, Dr. Rim Shot
[I have no idea what he says here, but it sounds like this!]
[Tim feels Brad's forehead and then forces Brad's head into his armpit]
Brad: Oh dad! My... My hair.
Tim: Oh you're fine. [To Randy] Where's your little slingshot?
Randy: In the drawer. Mom took it away from me after I pelted Harold Hanson in the butt.
[Jill comes back with a thermometer]
Jill: Here you go, Brad. [Puts it in his mouth] There.
[Tim finds the slingshot. Jill runs towards him]
Jill: Hey, hey, hey. No, come on! You're not gonna use that on the poor little woodpecker.
Tim: I'm just gonna use a little pebble, hit him in the head and take away some of his short-term memory.
[Mark enters]
Mark: Mom, can I have the bread and feed my woodpecker?
Tim: Don't feed the woodpecker! No, don't do that.
Mark: Oh, but Pete is hungry.
Tim: His name is not Pete. He doesn't have a name - it's a woodpecker. It's a pass, he's gone, he's outta here. Good bye, Charlie.
[Tim heads for the garden door with Mark following him]
Mark: You mean I can call him Charlie?
Tim: No!
Jill: [From behind, walking out] Don't hurt Pete!
Mark: It's Charlie!
Tim: It's nobody!
[After Jill leaves, Brad sticks the thermometer in her coffee cup]
Randy: Why are you sticking that in Mom's coffee?
Brad: I need to get a high temperature fast. I didn't do my math homework.
Randy: So just copy Jennifer's.
Brad: I can't - I broke up with her.
Randy: You broke up with Jennifer, why?
Brad: She said I couldn't copy her homework anymore.
Randy: Well for 20 bucks I'll do your math and you don't have to date me.
[Jill comes back]
Randy: [Quietly] Here comes Mom.
[Brad quickly puts the thermometer back in the mouth but it's incredible hot!]
Brad: Auuuu.
Jill: What's wrong?
Brad: My tongue hurts!
Jill: Oh God, I hope you don't have strep throat. [She takes out the thermometer and Brad quickly turns on the cold water and waters his tongue] I have to get to work today. [Looks at the thermometer, not surprised] 108! [That would be about 42 degrees Celsius] I don't know whether to put you to bed or baste ya! [Gets serious] What's going on at school?
Brad: Nothing. I love school.
Jill: Well that's good. Then you won't mind going! Come on, get ready.
Brad: Oh man!
[Brad leaves and Randy tries to do it too]
Randy: I guess I better get my books.
Jill: Not so fast. Why doesn't Brad wanna go to school?
Randy: Ehh, because he and Jennifer broke up.
Jill: They did. What happened?
Randy: I don't know.
Jill: Well, she must have dumped him or he wouldn't be so depressed.
Randy: [Doesn't sound convinced] Yeah, that's it. You know how sensitive Brad is.
[They look at each other for a few seconds. Randy tries not to laugh]
Jill: His little heart is broken!
Randy: His little tongue is burned.
Jill: Don't make jokes. This is a sad thing that's happened to him.
[You hear the school bus's horn]
Jill: [Shouts] Mark, come on! The bus is here!
[Mark and Tim come from the garden]
Jill: Brad! [He appears] Brad, honey. Have a good day at school. Bye, bye.
[All the boys leave]
Tim: The pecker is not building a nest out there. There's twigs everywhere. He's building a city. Skyscrapers, subways, Mini Mart's. It's Peckerville out there, Honey.
Jill: Jennifer broke up with Brad. That's why he didn't wanna go to school. He couldn't face her. Isn't that heart-breaking?
Tim: Yeah... I gotta find a better way to get rid of that woodpecker.
Jill: You're so callous.
Tim: Jill! He's twelve. Girls will come and go in his life, okay?
Jill: Jennifer's his first love. It hurts when you loose your first love.
Tim: You don't have to worry about that. I see mine every day.
["Ahh" from the audience]
Jill: That's so sweet.
Tim: [Walks to the garage] You should meet her sometime!
Cut to garden later same day.
[Tim is standing on a ladder near the roof. He's holding a big horn, you know the kind of horn the audience use in a sport's game. He turns it on. The rest of the scene is seen from the roof of the house. Jill and Randy come out]
Jill: Hey, come on. They can hear that all over the neighbourhood.
Tim: I can't take this. That bird is mocking me, sitting' up there smiling.
Jill: He's got a beak - He can't smile.
Tim: Your mom's got a beak... She smiles now and then.
Jill: I think you should call a professional.
Tim: I don't need a professional! Hey! [Snaps his fingers] I'll just hook this [the horn] up to the compressor and vaporise that little bird-butt.
Jill: You need professional help.
Tim: I do not need an exterminator!
Jill: I meant a psychiatrist.
[Tim and Jill walk inside. Randy stays back and Brad comes from behind the trees]
Brad: Hey Randy. I'm in big trouble.
Randy: What's the matter?
Brad: I flunked another math assignment. Mom and Dad are gonna kill me.
Randy: Maybe not. Mom thought you were upset this morning because Jennifer dumped you.
Brad: But I'm the one that dumped her.
Randy: Yeah, but Mom doesn't know that. You can milk this thing. They could think you are having problem with math because you're really lovesick.
Brad: Hey... That's a great idea.
[Tim comes out in the garden again]
Tim: Hey guys. I gotta way to get rid of that woodpecker. I got that old Binford Blastmaster, all right? I'm gonna run 2000 pulsating decibels through that horn!
[Tim puts on a hearing protector]
Randy: That's a great idea.
Tim: [Can't hear] Huh?
Randy: You look like a big geek!
Tim: [Still can't hear. He nods and puts up a thumb] All right!
Cut to Kitchen.
[Jill is talking on the phone]
Jill: No sir, no. I don't want it killed. Don't you have some non-violent exterminators there? [Short pause] Well, then why do you have this ad here with this happy little mouse hitch-hiking down the high-way? [Short pause] Well, he should have his little teeny little head caught in a tarp, cheese drooling up the side of his mouth [Short pause] Well I... Hello? He hung up on me. That is so rude.
Cut to living room.
[Brad sits on the couch, Randy stands behind him]
Brad: [Sounds exhausted] Hi Mom.
Jill: Oh, hi Honey. How are you?
Brad: Not so good. Jennifer dumped me.
Jill: I know. Randy told me.
Randy: I'm sorry Brad but I knew Mom would understand.
Jill: You must be pretty bummed, huh? Is there anything I can do for you?
Brad: You could give me some milk and cookies.
Jill: Yeah, okay. [She gets some] So Brad, do you wanna talk about Jennifer?
Brad: I don't think I can.
Randy: [To Brad] I bet seeing her in class makes it hard to think.
Brad: [To Randy] Boy, are you right.
[The doorbell rings]
Randy: I'll get it.
Jill: Brad, I know how hard this must be but... [Randy opens the door and lets Jennifer in] You're gonna meet lots of other girls and I guarantee you, you can find somebody a whole lot better than... [Sees Jennifer] Jennifer, hi! Um... We were just talking about yo. You want some cookies?
Jennifer: No, I just need to talk to Bradley.
Jill: Oh, that's good. Here. [Puts the cookies on the table] Uh... Randy come and get the milk.
Brad: [To Jennifer] This isn't a good time.
Jennifer: This won't take long. [Drops a notebook on the table] Here's your math workbook. Good luck finding someone else to do your homework. [Tries to leave]
[Jill is shocked]
Brad: Wait, Jennifer, Jennifer. [Grabs her and talks loud so Jill can hear it] I'm really sad we're not going out anymore!
Jennifer: Then why did you say you'd only go out with me if I'd let you copy my homework? Good-bye, Bradley.
[Jennifer leaves. Jill walks to Brad with Randy following her. Randy has a big smile on his face]
Jill: Bradley Michael Taylor. Is that true - Have you been copying her homework?
Brad: Mom, could we not talk about this now? I'm very sad. [Sits down at the table and buries his head in his left arm]
Jill: Oh shut up.
[You can hear Tim from outside]
Tim: This blast is for you Woody!
[A major sound makes the house shaking and books fall of the bookshelf. Jill grabs a picture falling down from the wall]
Jill: Tim! Stop it!
[Commercial break]
Cut to kitchen.
[Jill is washing the dishes and Brad sits by the kitchen counter. Randy sits at the table. Tim enters from the garden carrying the compressor]
Tim: Hey, hey, hey. I got rid of the woodpecker. Right now he's checking into the Walter Lance Clinic.
Jill: You know what Brad's been doing?
Tim: What?
Jill: Copying Jennifer's math homework.
Tim: [Impressed] All right... [Jill gives him a angry look] No!
Brad: Well it's hard. I can't do it - I'm just stupid.
Jill: The only stupid thing you did was try to cheat.
Randy: Ha... Getting caught wasn't too bright either.
Jill: [To Randy] You can go upstairs now.
[Randy leaves]
Tim: Brad, you can't go through life having other people do the work for you.
Brad: Well what about Al? He does your work for you.
Tim: [Offended] Don't push me fellow!
Jill: [To Brad] We're just really disappointed in you. We thought you knew better than that.
Brad: [To both] Well it's your fault.
Jill: Oh really?
Brad: Yeah. Couple of weeks ago you guys were so excited when I brought home that "B". I felt I had to keep on getting good grades to make you happy. I was just trying to be a good son.
[Tim and Jill look at each other and begin fake crying. After a few seconds they get serious again]
Jill: You are grounded for a week.
Brad: Well why do I have to learn how to multiply compound fractions? I'm never gonna use them.
Tim: You use them every day.
Brad: When?
Jill: Well like you know. When I go to the grocery store and I buy a pound and a half of cheese.
Brad: Yeah but you are not multiplying anything.
Jill: Well you didn't let me finish.
Tim: [To Jill] Why don't you finish that?
Jill: Well I buy a pound and a half of cheese and I multiply that by... a gallon and a half of milk.
[Tim makes a little move with his hand, like he says "You see?" to Brad]
Brad: Why would you do that?
Jill: Because... Because I'm making cheese-milk. Now go get your math book. We're going to teach you how to multiply compound fractions.
Tim: [To Jill] Couldn't we just punish him and send him to his room without his cheese milk?
[Jill laughs. They all walk to the kitchen table]
Jill: [To Brad] Sit down. All right... Get some paper out and I've got pencils and... Open up the, eh... book to the chapter about compound fractions.
Tim: [Feels the paper in the book] Oh, nice crisp pages - just like new.
Jill: Okay... Here we go. [Reading] "Multiply the denominator and the whole number then add the product to the numerator. The sum will be the new numerator. Repeat the process with the second compound fraction and multiply the numerators and the denominators. Convert the product to a compound fraction."
[While Jill reads, Brad looks at Tim who just directs him to look in the book]
Tim: Go ahead Brad. [Slaps him]
Brad: Go ahead and what?
Jill: You should go ahead and... Okay, we're gonna help you with this - the first one. [Pushes the book over to Tim] So Tim, you do that.
Tim: Why not? All right, everybody. [Reads] "Multiply 3 5/8 times 6 3/19." [Doesn't understand a thing] What?!
Jill: Well, it said: "Multiply the denominator..." and the denominator was what again?
Brad: The bottom...
Tim & Jill: [Simultaneously] The bottom number.
[They all start to calculate. Tim scratches his forehead and looks over Brad's shoulder to see his result. Jill does the same thing]
Tim: Why don't they just call it "the bottom number"? The denominator sounds like a Schwarzenegger movie, doesn't it. [Deep voice] "I'm the Denominator!" I'll give your leg a compound fraction!
Jill: Cut it out, cut it out. I'm pretty sure it means that they want us to multiply that number and that.
Tim: The woodpecker is back.
Jill: Oh please. Will you forget about the woodpecker?
Tim: He's gonna wreck the roof. [Heads for the garden]
Jill: We're supposed to be helping Brad here.
[Tim closes the door and walks back]
Tim: All right, all right! Okay, all right, 8 times 3... [12 pecks, I guess] 8 times 3... [11 pecks, I guess] 8 times 3 is 23... [1 peck] 24! [He looks back outside]
Cut to garden.
[Tim walks in the garden with a one of those big water pistols. Wilson is looking in a telescope]
Wilson: Hi, ho neighbour.
Tim: Hi Wilson.
Wilson: [Looks up] My, my, my. That's an awfully big water pistol.
Tim: I'm trying to get rid of that woodpecker up there on the roof.
Wilson: Why don't you try an owl? The owl is the natural enemy of the woodpecker.
Tim: That's just what I need up there - an owl. Then it wouldn't be "tap, tap, tap." It would be: "Tap, tap, tap, uuh, uuh, uuh, tap, tap, tap." "Uuh, uuh, uuh, tap, tap, tap, uuh, uuh, uuh."
Wilson: Well, worked for Motown. Actually you don't need a real owl. A wooden owl would do the trick.
Tim: I'll try it... I've tried everything else.
Wilson: Mmmmmhhm. I see your son Brad is assiduously poring over his academic tomes.
Tim: [Gets nervous] He's what?! [Short pause] Oh yeah, he's studying. Hey Wilson, do you know how to multiply compound fractions?
Wilson: Yeah, of course I do, Tim. I love mathematics. It's one of the building blocks of thought. Nothing teaches order and discipline better. [Looking in the telescope again] You know what Galileo Galilei said?
Tim: Yeah, 1601 Florence. [Philosophical voice] Why do both of my names sound like the same?
Wilson: No, he said the universe is written in the language of mathematics - it's characters, triangles, circles, other geometric figures. Without mathematics one wanders about in a dark labyrinth.
Tim: A labyrinth?
Wilson: Let's just say "a maze".
Tim: I know I am. I want Brad to be a good student so I told him that multiplying compound fractions is a really important part of that. You know, between you and me it's kind of useless information.
Wilson: Well I don't know about that, Tim. There was a time when I thought that my extensive research in ancient tribal cultures, obscure scientific data, the thoughts of great philosophers would never come in handy. Then you moved in.
Cut to the TV studio.
[Tool Time is being taped. Tim and Al stand at the workbench behind a little cupboard containing four parts of a teacup set]
Al: For the filigree work around the edges I use the Binford scroll saw.
Tim: Nice job Al.
Al: Thank you Tim. You can also see how nice it displays my mother's teacup collection.
Tim: And as a little surprise for you Al, [Takes a giant bra from under the workbench and holds it up] here's a part of your mother's D-cup collection.
[He throws it down on the floor in front of the workbench. An "auch" sound from behind the camera indicates someone getting hit by the big thing]
Tim: Why don't we tell them what we're doing next?
[The walk in the middle of the studio with a small floor]
Al: Okay, well... Next we are going to be demonstrating how to lay a new floor but first we need to calculate just how much hard wood we are gonna be needing.
Tim: Right! And for that, we'll be using mathematics - the language of the universe. And that's according to Ernest and Guilio Gallileo. I bet you didn't know that, did you Al.
Al: I don't think anyone did Tim.
Tim: That's right. Our project board here is about 8 feet by 4 feet. To get the square footage you wanna multiply that two numbers.
[Al takes his tape measure and begins to measure the board]
Tim: Since I walk the mathematical walk [Walks in a weird way] and talk the mathematical talk, I know that's [Directly to the camera] 32 square feet.
Al: Actually Tim, the exact measurements are 8 1/2 by 4 1/3.
Tim: What are you getting at Al?
Al: Well Tim, since you walk the mathematical walk you need to multiply those two numbers, oh human Abacus.
[Tim gets annoyed and corrects his tie]
Tim: Well, I'd love to my stout little assistant but... we're out of time. Ha ha ha. So I just have to round it of to 32.
Al: 36 4/5.
Tim: Whatever Al. In order to get a new floor we have to lift off the old floor.
Al: That's right. And for that we can use a simple basic scraper.
Tim: That wouldn't be any fun. Let's use the "Dry Ice" method. You just put dry ice down there and lift the asphalt[?] tiles right off there.
Al: Actually Tim... [Tim leaves] Eh... Using dry ice, you'd need an awful lot of dry ice for that to work.
Tim: [From backstage] For once Al, you're totally correct.
Al: So what we'll do is, we'll be using the...
[You can hear some rumbling from backstage. An engine starts]
Al: ...the simple basic scraper. [Takes one from beside the workbench] You can pick this up at just any... [Tim comes driving a little truck loaded with dry ice] ...any hardware store.
[Tim drives forward and up on the board looking very manly. But then he loses control and the truck first stands on the back wheels, then it leans forward and smashes the little cupboard with Al's mother's teacups]
Tim: [From the truck] We'll be right back after these messages from Binford Tools.
[Al looks very sad]
Cut to the Taylor house.
[Tim is preparing to use Mark's helicopter (Painted with a shark's mouth) against the woodpecker]
Jill: What are you doing with Mark's toy helicopter?
Tim: Mark, what have we added?
Mark: More power!
Tim: [Grunts] Oh oh oh...
Mark: [Grunts too] Oh oh.
Tim: Now it's a heat-seeking peak-tweaking[?] shark-based pecker-wrecker. [Grunts] Oh oh OH oh!
Jill: What about the wooden owl you put up there to scare it away?
[The owl looks fine on one side but Mark turns it around and the other side is missing. It's "pecked" away]
Jill: That little woodpecker did that?
Tim: The little woodpecker, as you call it, has a pretty bad attitude. Mark, get the rest of my gear up there on the landing.
Mark: Okay.
Jill: Oh God.
[Brad comes home from school from the garden]
Brad: [Sees the helicopter] Wow!
Tim: Darn right Wow, huh?
Jill: [To Brad] Hey, hey. How did your test go?
Brad: Great, I got a "C".
Jill: Good, that's good. And you know, the best thing is that did this all yourself.
Tim: [To Brad] Remember, math teaches us discipline and order. Without math, mankind just walks around in a dark maze with a Labrador.
Brad: [Looks at Tim, not understanding] Getting a dog?
Tim: No, am I not being clear here? If you need help with school, why don't you come to us?
Brad: Well that's okay because I now know how to multiply compound fractions.
Tim: Yeah, how did you learn how to do compound fractions?
Jill: That was easy, I taught him.
Tim: Who taught you?
Jill: Seven Grade math, I just helped myself.
Brad: And Mom, I forgot. I was talking to Jennifer today...
Tim: Jennifer?
Jill: Keep up Tim, they got back together. What did she want?
Brad: Well she said, if you need any more help with compound fractions, call her tonight.
Jill: [Tries to explain. Tim just makes a "Yeah, right" look] He means, you know, if she needs help... 'caus after I mastered it, I called her to check and see if it's all right, so she started asking...
[Tim moves his arms like he's shovelling. Jill laughs]
Tim: You're pathetic! You know that?
[Mark comes back with Tim's motorcycle helmet and gloves]
Mark: Here Dad, here's your stuff.
Tim: All right.
Jill: So... Do you think this thing is gonna be safe?
Tim: [Has put on the helmet] This gonna be great. You guys stay in safety of the hanger while Captain Bob is gonna go out and take care of that woodpecker.
[Tim grabs the helicopter and begins to leave]
Jill: I think I should just call the hospital and see if they are serving the soup you like.
[Tim walks to his stereo and turns on some battle music]
Tim: Ha ha. [Closes the helmet and walks to the garden]
[The screen turns into a bird that flies away]
Cut to garden.
[Tim is ready to fly the helicopter]
Tim: Here we go... There we go... [The helicopter flies] Up up up, yes, yes! Oh, tail [?] [He gets control over it] Perfect, perfect. Tilt the rotor, tilt the ro... [The helicopter flies towards him] Tilt... No. [Begins to walk backwards] Where do you think you're going? Come on, juhu. Woohoo.
[Tim runs around the garden with the helicopter chasing him. After a few seconds he comes running back and stumbles over the garbage cans so he's lying on the ground. The helicopter hovers right over his head. He can't control it]
Tim: Oh no.
[He turns around and crawls forward. The helicopter flies towards him but he manages to bend down as it flies over him. He looks around but can't see it. He gets up and the shot changes to seeing the scene over his head. He looks around to find the helicopter, but he can't. He stands up again and leans against the fence to Wilson's garden and relaxes, drying some sweat off his helmet. The helicopter rises from behind the fence and he spots it. The shot changes as seen from the helicopter's view. You see Tim's horrified face. He tries to run but he crashes into the wall of the house. He stumbles inside and closes the door. He sits down on the couch and opens the helmet. Phew! He bends over but suddenly looks up... The gardnes door slam open and the helicopter hovers still in the air. Shot of the helicopter's smile. It speeds up and Tim rolls over the couch to avoid it]
[Outtakes from the scene where Randy tells Jill why Brad acts so strange]
Randy: They broke up.
Jill: They did. Why, what happened?
Randy: I don't know.
Jill: Well she must have dumped him or he wouldn't be so depressed.
Randy: Yeah, that's it. You know how sensitive Brad is.
[They look at each other for a few seconds and then they laugh]
Jill: [To the staff] Am I not supposed to laugh at that?

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