Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

The Great Race

Episode No# 049
Written by:
Carmen Finestra, David McFadzean, Matt Williams
Directed by:
Andy Cadiff
Transcript by:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Guest Cast
Bob Vila - Himself
Karen - Betsy Randle
Lisa - Pamela Denise Anderson
Stage Manager - Shawn Shea
Episode begins at the "Tool Time" studio. Tim and Al are standing behind the workbench. There are some gardening tools laid out on it.
Tim: And these are some of the best ways to give your gardening tools a good spring tune-up. [Tim picks up a spraycan and throws it to Al. Al catches it] Right Al?
Al: That's right. But before we go, we'd like to make an announcement I'm sure you all have been waiting for.
Tim: Al is a woman trapped in a man's body.
Al: No, I'm sure our audience knows that's not true.
Tim: I'm just kidding, Al. We've invited our viewers to vote for their all-time favorite guest here on "Tool Time," and today we'll announce the winner.
Al: That's right. [Tims walks over to his chair and sits down] You were able to go down to your local hardware store and pick up a ballot that listed every single guest we've ever had on "Tool Time." Although, Bob Vila was left off that list.
Tim: Computer error, Al. Anyway, our three finalists are George Foreman, Mario and Michael Andretti, and Dwayne from the K&B Construction Company. [Lisa enters with the "male bag"] From our ever writing audience, we've had thousands of viewers write in. Lisa, what's the final count?
Lisa: 112 postcards, Tim.
Tim: Thank you, Lisa. And the winner for the most popular guest here on "Tool Time" is: [Lisa takes an envelope out of the bag and hands it to Al. Al hands it to Tim] -- I've got goose bumps, I really do -- [Tim opens the envelope and looks at the card] What? No! [Tim looks at Al. Al smiles. Tim puts the card back in the envelope] Mario and Michael Andretti! [The audience cheers and applauds]
Al: Ah-ah-ah-er Tim. That's not what, that's not what, [Al tries to take the envelope from Tim, but he moves it out of Al's reach] that's not what it says.
Tim: Yes it does.
Al: No it, no it doesn't.
Tim: Yes it does.
Al: Does not.
Tim: Does too. [Al snatches the envelope from Tim and takes out the card. Al reads and card and shows it to the audience]
Al: Bob Vila. [Lisa applauds and the audience joins in. Tim stands up]
Tim: It can't, it can't be, it can not be Bob Vila. It can't be Bob Vila; I erased his name-- [Tim suddenly turns to the audience] Computer error took his name off that list.
Al: Well, maybe the viewers did what I did and wrote his name in. [Al shows the card saying "Bob Vila" to the camera]
Lisa: That's what I did,
Tim: Write-ins weren't allowed, Lisa.
Lisa: Al told me I could.
Tim: He did, did he?
Al: Yes I did. [Tim walks away, defeated] So, er, please join us next time when we'll meet our winning guest, Bob Vila. [Tim puts his jacket on] So popular that even though he was deliberately left off the ballot, won with a write-in campaign. [Tim stands behind Al and Lisa]
Tim: So join us next time on "Tool Time" when Bob and Al discuss how to remove crusty food from their beards. See you next time on "Tool Time." [The "Tool Time" theme music plays. Tim, Al and Lisa leave the set]
[Opening credits]
Cut to the kitchen, a few days later.
[Jill is sitting at the table, reading a leaflet. Karen comes over to her and sits down]
Karen: Jill, this is unbelievable. I've never won anything before. A day of beauty for two at Adriana's.
Jill: It is so great that it is for two. Can you imagine a whole day of being pampered?
Karen: What? Tim doesn't pamper you?
Jill: [Laughing] Yeah, right. Tim's idea of pampering me is to wear his pants to breakfast. [Karen laughs. The oven timer pings. Jill gets up to take the food out. Brad and Randy creep past the window, carrying gardening tools. Karen sees them and goes over to Jill]
Karen: Er, Jill, are Brad and Randy planning to do some gardening? [Jill looks towards the backyard]
Jill: Hey! Hey guys! [Jill goes over to the back door and opens it] Where are you going with that shovel and that rake?
Randy: Uh, nowhere.
Jill: Don't go near the cemetary again.
Karen: Cemetary?
Jill: Yeah. Last week they dug a hole near the cemetary wall and told Mark that one of the bodies escaped! [Karen looks at the boys]
Randy: We're just going down to the creek to build a dam.
Brad: Yeah.
Jill: Forget the dam, beaver boy. Lose the shovel, lose the rake. [Jill takes the tools from them]
Brad: Aw man.
Jill: Now listen, if you guys get back before Karen and I do, go to Wilson's. Mark's gonna be over at Billy's. [Tim enters, carrying his jacket]
Karen: Morning Tim. [Brad and Randy leave. Jill puts the shovel and rake in the garage]
Tim: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Karen: Aw, it's nice to see that Tim is his usual charming, bubbling self. [Tim hangs up his jacket]
Jill: Oh, ignore him. He's always in a snit when Bob Vila's on the show.
Karen: Isn't he the guy that has that national tool show that Tim ripped off?
Tim: Don't start Karen, please. All I've heard all week long is "Bob Vila this," "Bob Vila that." What does Bob Vila have that I don't have?
Karen: High ratings.
Jill: Fans.
Karen: Big salary.
Tim: Are you through?
Jill: Aw pookie, we were just kidding. [Jill rubs Tim's back] Remember, you have something to be proud of that Bob Vila does not have.
Tim: Oh yeah, what?
Jill: Al. [Jill and Karen sit down at the table with coffee and cakes]
Tim: Normally I would have seen that coming; I'm very vulnerable right now. [Jill laughs. Tim makes himself a coffee]
Karen: [Picking up the Adriana's leaflet] Tim, you're so tense. Maybe you should come and pamper yourself at Adriana's.
Jill: Yeah, yeah. They have, um, manicures and pedicures for men.
Tim: Let me tell you two gals something: men don't let other people touch their feet. A real man clips his own toenails and flicks them at his wife's hair! [Tim takes his coffe and jacket into the garage]
Cut to the "Tool Time" studio, later that day.
[Lisa is announcing the show]
Lisa: Does everbody know what time it is?
Audience: "Tool Time!"
Lisa: That's right. Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. [The "Tool Time" theme music plays. Tim and Al enter the set]
Tim: Thank you Lisa. Welcome to "Tool Time." [Tim takes off his jacket] I'm your host, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, you all know my assistant Al. [Tim hands Al his jacket. Al salutes]
Al: Well Tim, [Tim gets his toolbelt and puts it on] this is the big day. [Al hangs up Tim's jacket]
Tim: It sure is. We get to that sub-floor, oooh.
Al: Oh, I don't think that's why the audience is watching today. I'm sure that, like me, they're all excited about seeing our favorite guest contest winner. [Tim gets out the plans for the sub-floor]
Tim: Hm. Aren't we all Al, aren't we all. Now, the sub-floor will start--
Al: --Tim. Why don't we introduce our favorite guest.
Tim: Why not. Our favorite guest is someone a few of you may know--
Al: --I think we all know Bob and love him.
Tim: Are we gonna have to hose you down Al?
Al: Let me introduce the pater familiose of home repair, Mr. Bob Vila! [Lisa escorts Bob onto the set]
Bob: Thank you. Thank you for such a warm welcome.
Lisa: Oh, Mr. Vila, I just want you to know I'm one of your biggest fans. In my opinion, you've completely redefined television home repair.
Tim: Lisa.
Lisa: [Lisa looks around] Right. [Lisa leaves]
Tim: Good to have you here again, Bob. [Tim shakes Bob's hand]
Bob: Thanks.
Al: That goes double for me. [Al shakes Bob's hand]
Bob: Thanks Al. It's always good to see you. [Bob and Al slap each other's shoulders] I was so thrilled to find out I was picked your favorite guest.
Tim: Well I encouraged a lot of people to vote for you. [Al looks away] Bob, why don't you take a seat right here. [Tim brings over a stool]
Bob: O.K.
Tim: Now a lot of people think there's a big rivalry between Bob and I, but actually there's a lot of mutual respect between us, right Bob? [Al brings over another stool]
Bob: [Bob slaps Tim's shoulder] Absolutely Jim. [Bob sits on a stool and Tim sits in his chair]
Tim: It's Tim.
Bob: [Laughs] I was just pulling your leg, buddy. Just kidding. [Al cracks up, laughing]
Al: I, I, I, I don't know if we can have Bob on the show anymore. [Al sits on the other stool] My, my sides are about to split.
Bob: Al, you've got a wonderful sense of humor.
Tim: Doesn't he though.
Al: Well y'know, Bob is also here to promote one of my favorite charities.
Tim: The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Flannel.
Bob: Actually Tim, I'm supporting the Metropolitan Detroit Children's Fund.
Tim: I'm just pulling your leg, actually. It's a wonderful charity and I bet they're excited that you're their chairperson. I understand that you're working on a lawnmower race?
Bob: That's right. And I'm having a tough time getting some competition.
Al: Oh, well you know Bob, Tim has a, uh, a very powerful lawnmower.
Tim: Yeah. I tweaked out my lawnmower at home and dumped a big motor in it, ah!
Bob: Mine isn't home-made. Um, I actually had mine designed and built by professionals.
Tim: Yeah? Well I, er, [Tim stands up] I dumped a 300 cc Harley with a special cam in it.
[Bob is about to say something but Al speaks instead]
Al: [Al stands up] That sounds like the junior model. Bob here put in a 410.
Tim: Good for Bob.
Al: Bad for you.
Tim: Huh. [Bob stands up]
Bob: Yeah, and I've got an elongated throttle. I've actually been clocked at 42 miles per hour.
Tim & Al: 42? [Bob nods]
Tim: You have a lawnmower that goes 42?
Bob: Yeah.
Al: Well Bob, I think it's time to kick some grass!
Bob: What d'you say? You up to the challenge?
Tim: To, I, y'know, yeah, why not. Sure. I'll race you. [Bob and Tim shake hands. Al applauds]
Bob: Great.
Tim: Sure, that'll be great, a lot of fun. [The audience applauds] And it's for charity.
Al: Yeah. Well Tim, I just hope you're not a poor loser. [Bob and Al look at Tim]
Tim: Al, I think the audience knows just what kind of loser I am.
Al: Experienced.
Cut to the garage, later that day.
[Tim is pulling the dust sheet on his lawnmower]
Jill: [From the kitchen] Tim!
Tim: Yeah! out here!
Jill: [From the kitchen] Timmy! [Tim runs into the kitchen]
Cut to the kitchen.
[Jill and Karen present themselves, having come back from the beauty salon]
Tim: I thought you guys were going to that spa?
Jill: [Laughing] We've been there six hours.
Tim: You look fabulous.
Jill: Thank you.
Tim: Come out to the garage, here. I wanna show you something. Time for the unveiling. C'mon.
Cut to the garage.
[Tim enters, followed by Jill and Karen]
Jill: Unveiling of what? What are you up to now?
Tim: Prepare to be amazed girls. [Tim removes the dust sheet from the lawnmower to reveal a huge engine]
Jill: I'm amazed.
Tim: You like it?
Jill: Like it? I hate it.
Karen: What is it?
Tim: What is it? It's a riding lawnmower with a jet engine off a Chinook helicopter! [Jill's jaw drops]
Jill: Are you out of your mind? You put a jet engine on a lawnmower?
Tim: No! But thanks for thinking I could. I borrowed this. It's on loan from the US Lawnmower Racing Association.
Karen: Why would anyone do this?
Tim: Think about it. You've got riding lawnmower, you've got jet engine. Sooner or later somebody was gonna put them together.
Jill: Tell me you're not gonna race this thing.
Tim: Technically it won't be a race. It's just an exhibition with, um, Bob Vila.
Jill: I should have known. Whenever Bob Vila's on the show, you turn everything into a competition.
Tim: Jill, this is for charity.
Jill: No it's not! It's to compete.
Tim: Honey, this is no competition. This is gonna be a slaughter! [Tim climbs onto the lawnmower] I'll be at the finish line and Bob Vila will be back there at the starting post picking mulch out of his beard. See ya Bobby!
Karen: How fast does this thing go?
Tim: Right now, this gearing, about 62. But if I re-gear it, 94 I'll get out of it.
Jill: And after they pry you out of this with a crowbar, I'll turn to the crowd and say, "He was a nice man, a good man, but not a bright man." [Jill and Karen go into the kitchen]
Tim: Honey, this'll mow a football field in 11 seconds!
Cut to the backyard, later that day.
[Mark is playing. Brad and Randy enter]
Mark: Hi guys. Where'd you go? [Brad is carrying a metal bucket]
Brad: We went down to the creek and caught some tadpoles.
Mark: Why didn't you come and get me?
Brad: Y'know, we looked all over and we couldn't find you. [Brad puts the bucket down on a table]
Mark: I was in my room.
Randy: Boy Brad, the one place we didn't look. [Randy sits on a box]
Brad: Yeah. [Brad sits down on a chair]
Mark: Why don't you take me anywhere with you guys?
Brad: That's because you always rat on us.
Mark: Promise I won't rat on you again.
Randy: Oh really? Hey Brad, maybe we should make him take "the test."
Brad: Yeah, "the test."
Mark: What test?
Randy: The tadpole secrecy test.
Mark: What's that?
Brad: You have to put a live tadpole in your mouth.
Mark: Oogh, no way!
Randy: O.K., fine. But then you don't get to come to the creek with us and build a raft. See ya. [Randy gets up and walks off. Brad follows him with the bucket]
Mark: Wait. [Brad and Randy stop] How long do I have to hold it in my mouth?
Randy: [Randy shrugs] Three seconds.
Mark: Three whole seconds!
Brad: I told you he'd be a chicken.
Mark: I'm not chicken! [Pause] I'll do it. [Brad and Randy come back over to Mark, with big grins on their faces]
Randy: [Randy puts his arm round Mark's shoulders] Buddy, come here. Now, close your eyes, open your mouth. [Mark does. Randy reaches into the bucket] Ooo, a slimy one.
Brad: You'd better watch out, he's really wriggly.
Randy: Here he comes, closer, closer. [Randy sticks the tadpole on Mark's tongue. Mark screws up his face in disgust]
Brad: One thousand one, one thousand two, one thousand three! [Mark opens his eyes]
Randy: O.K., you did it. [Randy slaps Mark on the back. Mark swallows!]
[Commercial break]
Cut to the backyard.
[Mark is coughing]
Brad: Mark, you weren't supposed to swallow the tadpole.
Mark: What's gonna happen?
Randy: Well, it's gonna swim around inside you and grow into a frog!
Brad: Yeah. [Brad puts his ear to Mark's stomach] Ribbit, ribbit. [Mark grabs Brad in a headlock]
Mark: Shut up Brad. [Mark runs to the door]
Randy: Hey Mark, I wouldn't drink any water. It might make it grow faster.
Mark: I'm gonna tell Mom and Dad on you.
Brad: Oh yeah, like Mom and Dad are gonna believe that we made you eat a tadpole. [Mark goes inside]
Randy: Brad. I wouldn't use that argument.
Mark: [From inside] Mom! [Brad and Randy run off]
Cut to the living room.
[Mark looks around]
Mark: Mom! Mom! [Jill and Karen enter]
Jill: What is it? What is it? What's the matter?
Mark: Brad and Randy made me eat a tadpole!
Jill: A what?
Mark: A tadpole!
Jill: Where are they?
Mark: They ran away.
Jill: Well Mark, you're, you're gonna be fine.
Karen: I'll get you a glass of water.
Mark: No! No water!
Karen: O.K.
Mark: It's turning into a frog.
Jill: No, it isn't honey. [Jill comforts Mark] This thing can't possibly survive inside your stomach. Look, you're just gonna digest it like a piece of fruit.
Mark: Are you sure?
Jill: I'm positive. You're just gonna poop that thing right out. Now, just go outside and play. Listen, eating a tadpole's no big deal. [Mark goes outside] Argh, gross, that is so gross! Can you imagine having that slimy thing swimming around inside your stomach?
Karen: I know, it's yuck. [Tim enters from the garage]
Jill: I can't believe that they did that.
Karen: Oh it's so gross.
Tim: What happened?
Jill: Brad and Randy made Mark eat a tadpole. [Tim gets a drink out of the fridge and bursts out laughing] This is not funny. It's a terrible thing to do.
Tim: Oh c'mon. They're boys. What's the big deal? When I, when I was little, I made one of my brothers eat spagetti, it had an earth worm in it.
Jill: Oh Tim, please.
Tim: Steve didn't even know it was in there until one of the noodles tried to crawl back out!
Jill & Karen: Ughhh!
Tim: It was great! Oh, he paid me back. He made me eat my mashed potatoes with a big cockroach in there.
Jill & Karen: Ooooo! Tim!
Tim: Oh quit ooo-ing. They're good, they're crunchy. They're not bad.
Cut to the kitchen, later that day.
[Jill is cooking. Tim enters from the garage]
Tim: What's that smell?
Jill: It's, er, clam chowder, mushrooms, raisins, and little bits of liver.
Tim: Urgh.
Jill: I want Brad and Randy to think it's tadpole soup.
Tim: That's disgusting! I love it.
Jill: I'm just goin' with the flow. Go and tell them that the soup is on. [Jill laughs manically]
Cut to the backyard.
[Tim enters]
Tim: Brad! Randy! Hussle up, dinner time!
Wilson: Hi ho neighbor. [Wilson is pruning the ivy growing on his house]
Tim: Hi there Wilson. You missed a snip.
Wilson: Hmm-hm
Tim: I bet you can't guess what I've got in my garage.
Wilson: Well, just off the top of my head, I'd say a small riding lawnmower with a jet engine attached.
Tim: [Grunts] Uh?
Wilson: Mark told me.
Tim: Think about it Wilson. I'll be driving the fastest riding lawnmower on Earth.
Wilson: A-ha, a-ha-ha-ha.
Tim: I'm gonna be a lawnmowing legend. [Grunts] Oh-oh-oh.
Wilson: Well Tim, it sounds to me like you're dealing with hubris.
Tim: Hubris? What's that in English?
Wilson: It is English. It means "excessive pride."
Tim: [Grunting] Oh yeah, I got that. Ogh-ogh-ogh.
Wilson: Not necessarily a good thing.
Tim: [Grunting] I don't have that, I don't want it, I don't. I'm just in this, er, lawnmowing competition with Bob Vila.
Wilson: Hmm. Nothing like the rousing spirit of competition.
Tim: Yeah. Jill and Karen think it's a stupid idea.
Wilson: Well Tim, competition can be a very healthy thing.
Tim: That's what I think. I think competition inspires men; challenges us to build the biggest building, the fastest missile, the most absorbent bathroom tissue, [Grunting] oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
Wilson: Competition brings out the best in product.
Tim: You're darn right.
Wilson: But sometimes, the worst in men.
Tim: [Grunting] Uh-uh-uh? [Brad and Randy enter the backyard] Hey guys, I was just looking for you. [They walk over to Tim]
Brad: Hey Dad. We're really sorry.
Tim: Sorry about what? [Randy looks at Brad]
Brad: Didn't you talk to Mark?
Tim: No.
Randy: Oh. Then we're sorry we're late for dinner.
Brad: Yeah.
Tim: Alright, you're mom's got it ready for you. Take those muddy shoes off before you get in the house.
Brad: Alright. [Brad and Randy go inside]
Wilson: Tim, will the boys be in trouble?
Tim: Big trouble. They made Mark eat a tadpole so Jill's making them think they're having tadpole soup! [Tim screws his face up at the thought of it]
Wilson: Hmm, hmm. Well, if you want to try the real thing, why don't you come over to my house on Saturday night?
Cut to the kitchen.
[Jill is stirring the soup, with the metal bucket on the counter next to her. Brad and Randy enter]
Jill: Well hello Brad and Randy.
Brad: Hi Mom. Where's Mark?
Jill: Oh, he's upstairs playing, hmm.
Randy: Is he O.K?
Jill: Yeah, he's fine. Why d'you ask?
Randy: No reason. Just because we love him.
Jill: Hope you're hungry.
Brad: Oh yeah!
Randy: Yeah.
Jill: Oh, guess I'm done with this now. [Jill moves the bucket out of the way]
Randy: That had our tadpoles in it.
Jill: Not anymore. Soup anyone? [Mark comes running in]
Mark: Hi guys.
Brad: Um.
Mark: Mom.
Brad: Is Mark eating this?
Mark: No. That's just for you. I'm having ice cream.
Jill: Oh sweetie, it's right over there. [Jill points to the counter. Mark goes over to the counter. Tim enters from the backyard] Well hi. I've got the soup for the boys all ready. You want some?
Tim: Well what's in it?
Jill: Oh, a tad of this, a tad of that. [Jill carries the soup over to the counter. Brad and Randy follow her]
Tim: Sounds a tad too rich for me.
Randy: Oh I get it. You want us to think the tadpoles are in the soup. [Jill serves out the soup. Brad and Randy sit down at the counter]
Tim: Now why would your mother do something like that? C'mon, dig in.
Brad: C'mon Randy. This is just a big bluff.
Randy: Yeah.
Tim: C'mon boys. Hop to it. [Brad and Randy taste some of the soup]
Brad: Y'know it does taste kind of weird.
Randy: Yeah, but there's no way it's tadpoles.
Jill: Oh, I guess I can't fool you guys. [Jill looks in the pot] Ooo, well, what is this? [Jill takes a rubber frog out of the pot]
Brad & Randy: Aaaahhhhh!
Brad: Aaahhh!
Tim: Yeah! [Tim and Mark slap hands]
Jill: It's just a rubber frog. How did that feel? Next time you feel like pulling something, maybe you'll remember that I see all, hear all, and know all that goes on in this house. Do you understand?
Brad & Randy: We're sorry.
Jill: O.K. Now I'll fix you real dinner. [Jill takes the soup away]
Tim: Honey please, I, I think you've punished them enough.
Cut to the race track, the day of the lawnmower race.
[Tim is getting ready for the race]
Stage Manager: Here we go everbody. Stand by. In 5, 4, 3, 2.
[The "Tool Time" theme music plays. The audience, sitting in a stand, applauds. Tim is wearing a crash helmet. Bob and Al are standing next to him]
Tim: Hi. Welcome to this special edition of "Tool Time." I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. You know my assistant Al. [Al salutes] We're here at beautiful Memorial Park, ready for the big race with Bob Vila. I've got this little helmetcam so you'll see exactly what I see. O.K. Bob, [Cut to the helmetcam and a close up of Bob's face] who d'you think is gonna win the race, huh?
Bob: It's for charity Tim. The real winners are the children. [Cut back to the normal camera]
Tim: Of course they are Bob. The winners are the kids. In second place, me. In a distant third, ha ha, Bob. Oh boy. [Cut to the helmetcam and a close up of Al's face]
Al: What are you doing Tim?
Tim: Trying to show the folks at home if there's any critters crawling around in your beard. [Cut back to the normal camera]
Al: Well, I think we're about ready to go. Gentlemen, if you'll take your places. [Bob puts on his crash helmet, and he and Tim go over to their lawnmowers]
Tim: O.K. [Tim puts on his sunglasses. The audience cheers them on. Tim's lawnmower is covered with a sheet]
Al: Good luck Tim.
Tim: Thank you Al.
Al: Bob, good luck.
Bob: Thank you Al. [Tim removes the sheet from his lawnmower] What is that?
Tim: It's just a little old engine, Bob. [Tim and Bob sit on their lawnmowers. Bob puts on his sunglasses]
Lisa: [From on top of a high chair, through a megaphone] Gentlemen, start your engines.
[Tim buckles himself in and starts his jet engine. Bob starts his mower. Al runs out of the way]
Lisa: Ready. 1, 2, 3. [Lisa drops the green flag and Tim and Bob drive off]
[The audience cheers Tim and Bob on. Bob is slightly in front]
Tim: Nice going Bob.
Bob: Thanks Tim.
Tim: I'd love to stop and chat but I've gotta run. [Tim lets out the throttle on his lawnmower. The lawnmower shoots off on its rear wheels, hitting the hay bales marking out the course] Whoa-whoa, look out buddy, look out! [One of the marshals runs out of the way] Look out, look out! [Tim is out of control]
Audience: Ohhhh.
Tim: Aah! [Tim drives through the "Metropolitan Children's Hospital" sign. Al watches through binoculars] Aahh! [Tim drives through a fence towards the road] Aahhh!
Cut to the living room, that evening.
[Tim is at the front door, still wearing his crash helmet. There are red lights flashing]
Tim: Yeah, thanks Officer. I, I'll make sure I get those tickets for "Tool Time" for you. You bet. [Jill waves and Tim goes inside] So, how was your day? [Tim kisses Jill. Tim is carrying a ticket]
Jill: Well, when I heard on the news that [Jill shuts the front door] there was a lawnmower running amok down I-96 with a police helicopter in hot pursuit, I thought to myself, "Could this be my husband?" Are you alright? [Tim is studying the ticket]
Tim: Pretty good chance of that. Yeah I'm alright. There's good news and bad news. The bad news is I got a ticket and they impounded the lawnmower.
Jill: What's the good news?
Tim: The good news is I mowed 40 lawns and made 186 bucks! [Jill laughs]
Jill: What is this thing? [Jill points to the camera on Tim's helmet]
Tim: This thing is a helmetcam so we could see my perspective during the race. And I might add that, er, [Cut to the helmetcam and a close up of Jill] you're looking pretty nice, honey.
Jill: Thank you. [Jill backs away]
Tim: Where are the boys? [Tim follows Jill]
Jill: Across the street. [Tim turns to look towards the street and then turns back to Jill. Jill laughs]
Tim: So we're alone, huh?
Jill: Don't even think about it Tim.
Tim: Come here woman, come here! [Tim chases Jill around the house. Jill opens the closet door and Tim walks into it. Jill holds up a mirror to Tim and he sees his reflection] Aahhh!
Cut to the set.
Taran comes running on and bows.
Announcer: Jonathan Taylor Thomas!
[Jonathan comes running on and bows]
Announcer: It's Zachery Ty Bryan, a big hand for Zachery!
[Zachery comes running on and bows]
Announcer: The fantastic Patricia Richardson!
[Patricia comes running on and bows]
Announcer: And Mr. Tim Allen, right down here, Tim Allen!
[Tim comes running on, still wearing the helmetcam. Cut to the helmetcam]
Announcer: They we go. Give everybody a big round of applause.
[Cut back to the normal camera. The entire cast bows. Earl is holding a fence in front of his face]

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