| Episode begins at the "Tool Time" set. Tim is finishing a brick wall. Al
looks at a pumpkin on the workbench, then turns around to face Tim. |
|---|
| | |
| Tim: | Right now that we have an even layer of mortar, it's time to float our
brick. There you go. One more course and our brick wall will be
finished. Oh golly, Al. I'm out of brick. |
| Al: | Are you telling me Tim, that you're a few bricks shy of a load? |
| [Al laughs and makes a snoring sound] |
| Tim: | No, I'm telling you that you're one wise crack short of unemployment.
[Tim snores back at Al] Now please go back and get the rest of the
brick, all right? [Al leaves] While Al is back there, let's finish up
that-- |
| [Tim signals the audience to be quiet. He runs back stage. Al comes running
back] |
| Al: | Uh, Tim. There doesn't seem to be any... Uh, Tim? [Short pause] Tim? |
| | |
| Cut to the "Tool Time" set - backstage. |
|---|
| [Tim wears a horrible grey mask and ugly grey gloves with long fingers] |
| Tim: | [With a deep metallic voice] Tim is not here anymore! |
| | |
| Cut to close-up on Al's face. |
|---|
| [He's looking into the camera, not a bit surprised. Tim comes out, running
towards Al, screaming to scare him. Tim moves his fingers in front of Al's
face. Al still doesn't seem surprised. Tim gives up and caresses Al's nose
with his fingers] |
| | |
| Tim: | I got you pretty good, didn't I? |
| Al: | Yes Tim, I'm quaking. |
| [Close-up on Tim. He's looking into the camera. Close-up on Tim and Al] |
| Tim: | That's a good mask. Who are you supposed to be? |
| Al: | I'm Al! |
| [Tim runs towards the camera, looking directly into it and rocking it from
side to side] |
| Tim: | [Screaming] IT'S AN AAAAL! |
| [Tim gets serious again, takes off the gloves and the mask and walks back
to Al] |
| Tim: | It's Halloween and we all can't be as spooky as Al here. But we can
cut ourselves some frightening jack-o'-lanterns. |
| Al: | That's right Tim. As you can see, I've already carved my jack-o'-
lantern. |
| [Al turns on a switch to light the lantern. It lights up and reveals an
image of Bob Vila's head. The audience applauds] |
| Al: | Look, Tim. I notice that you haven't carved your jack-o'-lantern. |
| Tim: | How perceptive of you, Al. Well I could spend long boring hours
whittling away with an incy-mincy carving knife like you. [Tim raises
his voice to shouting during the next line] Or I could put some
excitement into the pumpkin carving process and sculpt my pumpkin
using what?! |
| Audience: | MORE POWER!!! |
| Tim: | Darn right, more power! I've cored and scored this bad boy and all I
need now is a little explosion to pop the pieces out of the pumpkin.
[Short pause] I've filled the pumpkin with natural gas and installed a
small sparking device that's activated by this simple remote control.
[Tim holds up a little black box. Close-up on Tim] Don't try this at
home, children! |
| Al: | Tim. I believe that charge might be a little-- |
| Tim: | Too powerful for you Al, or too manly, a little too macho? |
| Al: | No-- |
| Tim: | If that's the case, Al, why don't you just cower and hide behind the
desk here? [Al hides under the workbench] Cuz this bad boy is about
ready to go. |
| [Tim presses the button and pieces of the pumpkin fly out the front and
back. It reveals a simply carved jack-o'-lantern] |
| Tim: | See there Al. Nothing to worry about, buddy! |
| [Al gets up from the desk and his face is covered with the inside of the
pumpkin. He spits out a small piece. Tim looks at Al, then into the camera
with a little smile on his face. Tim's head becomes a pumpkin that falls
down] |
| | |
| [Opening credits] |
|---|
| | |
| Cut to the kitchen. |
|---|
| [Jill and Mark are preparing food. Jill walks to the stairs to the
basement] |
| | |
| Jill: | [Shouting] Tim. How are you doing down there? |
| Tim: | [From the basement] Almost done. Igor, let go of my leg! |
| [Jill walks back to Mark. Randy approaches them] |
| Randy: | What are you guys doing? |
| Jill: | We are making the food for Brad's Halloween party. [Voice of an old
lady] Perhaps you would like to try some dirt and worms. |
| [Jill eats some of the disgusting food. She makes some strange noises] |
| Randy: | Mom, please tell me I'm adopted. |
| Jill: | [With emphasis] Delicious. |
| Randy: | Oh, gross! |
| [The sound of screams and deep-voice laughter can be heard coming from the
basement. Tim enters from the basement] |
| Tim: | Well, honey. I don't think we have to worry about the insurance
salesman for a while. [Tim laughs] |
| Randy: | How's "Haunted House?" |
| Tim: | "Haunted House?" Come on. I designed the "Catacombs of Terror." |
| Randy: | Can we take a look? |
| Tim: | Well, it's pretty scary and dangerous down there. Are either of you
pregnant or wearing a pacemaker? |
| Randy: | No! |
| Tim: | [Repeating Randy] "Nooou!" |
| [Jill laughs] |
| Jill: | What have you been doing down there all day long? What takes so long? |
| Tim: | Come on, honey. Horror takes time. And besides, when Brad's guests get
here tonight, they'll be down there with their hair bleached white,
eyes bulging out with that look of horror-- [Tim makes a horror face
and makes some strange noises] |
| Jill: | That's the way you looked on our wedding day. [Short pause] |
| Tim: | I shouldn't have lifted the veil. [Short pause] |
| Jill: | Who told you to wear it? [Short pause] Ha ha. Come sit down here. I
want you to finish all this up here so I can go pick up my costume. |
| Tim: | Wait a minute. The party starts in an hour. |
| Jill: | Oh, honey. I've been running around like crazy to getting all this
stuff done. I didn't have time to get it. |
| Tim: | All right. What do I do? |
| Jill: | Okay. I want you to put these grapes into this tapioca. |
| Tim: | What's that supposed to be? |
| Jill: | Eyeballs and pus! [Jill takes one and eats it] Umm. |
| Tim: | Home cooking, huh? Wait, wait, wait. If I put green fruit color in
here, it'll look infected. |
| Jill: | Oh, that's good. That's real good. Do that. |
| [Brad comes down from upstairs. He's dressed in a raggedy costume] |
| Brad: | Mom. Everything fits except for the pants. |
| Tim: | [To Brad] Who are you. No, what are you?! |
| Jill: | Raggedy Andy. |
| Tim: | Oh, right. It's Halloween. I'm sorry. Look out, Frankenstein. Look
out, Werewolf. It's Raggedy. No, just when I thought it was safe to
go back to the toy box. It's Andy. |
| Jill: | Come on. |
| Tim: | Hey, boo! Hey boo-oo. Boo dude, boo. |
| Jill: | He and Jennifer are dressing alike. She's gonna go as Raggedy Ann.
Now hold still cuz I'm gonna be pinning you here. |
| Brad: | I feel like a sissy! |
| Jill: | You are not a sissy! The two of you are gonna look so cute
together. |
| Brad: | I can't believe I'm doing this! |
| Tim: | Brad. Lot of times men do things they don't wanna do so the women
they're going out with will do things they don't wanna do. [Short
pause] |
| Brad: | Like what? |
| Jill: | Yeah. Like what, Tim? |
| [Pause for about 5 seconds while Tim thinks of what to say] |
| Tim: | Getting married, degrease an engine, shave your backhair. |
| [Randy and Mark enter from the basement. You can hear the deep-voice
laughter again] |
| Tim: | [To Randy and Mark] Shut the door, please! |
| Mark: | [Scared] Dad. I opened the tool locker and saw-- |
| [Tim makes Mark silent] |
| Tim: | Quiet. |
| Randy: | [To Brad] Hey, why are you wearing a mop on your head? |
| Brad: | Shut up, geek! |
| Mark: | [To Brad] I think your costume looks great. |
| Brad: | Oh, if you like it, I'm dead. |
| [Mark tastes the food on the table] |
| Jill: | Okay boys. Let's go. You go get your costumes on now. [To Mark] Put
that down. Put it down! Go. Now, now, now! |
| [The boys leave and Jill walks back to Tim] |
| Tim: | Raggedy Andy. Brad's got it bad for that girl Jennifer. |
| Jill: | Oh, if I asked you to wear that costume, you would wear it for me,
wouldn't you? |
| [Tim kisses Jill] |
| Tim: | I don't think so, Jill. Besides, Brad likes Jennifer a lot more than
I like you. You wouldn't catch me with any fairy-tale outfit. Because
I have the scariest costume in the whole city. Hoh oh oh. |
| Jill: | Wrong-oh, cherry buns. |
| [Jill disagrees] |
| Jill: | The rental house manager has guaranteed me that I have the scariest
looking costume that they have ever had. |
| Tim: | They have a costume that looks like you at 7 a.m.? |
| [Jill walks out and Tim makes a yawning face to look like Jill in the
morning] |
| | |
| Cut to the backyard, later. |
|---|
| [Tim enters the back yard] |
| | |
| Tim: | Wilson. The "Catacomb of Terror" is just about complete. But I need
your chains. |
| Wilson: | Aha. Right inside the garage, good neighbor. |
| Tim: | This is gonna be great. It's gonna be so scary down there, those kids
are gonna love this. |
| Wilson: | Well, I'm sure they will, Tim. I believe it was Winston Churchill
that said, there was nothing so exhilarating than being shot at and
missed. |
| [Wilson walks into the garage to get the chains] |
| Tim: | It's a safe bet it wasn't Lincoln who said that. |
| [Wilson comes back and hands the chains to Tim] |
| Wilson: | Well, everybody loves a good scare, Tim. |
| Tim: | Yeah, why is that? |
| Wilson: | Well, Tim, it's just a physical reaction. When a person becomes
frightened, his body releases large amounts of epinephrine. |
| Tim: | I love that song too.
[Sings]
"Tall and tan and young and lovely,
the girl from Epinephrine goes--" |
| [Wilson walks to his table and fixes the electric wires to his pumpkin] |
| Wilson: | No, no, no, no, Tim. No, Tim. You're talking Ipanema. I'm talking
epinephrine. |
| Tim: | [Grunting] Oh yeah, sure you are. Oh yeah. |
| Wilson: | Well, let's just say adrenaline. It speeds up the conversion of
glycogen into glucose. |
| [Wilson turns on the power and reveals the picture on the pumpkin. it is
Wilson staring over the fence! Pause for about 10 seconds] |
| Wilson: | And glucose supplies energy to the muscles, thus making them more
efficient for fight or flight. |
| Tim: | I don't care what it does. When Brad's friends see this "Catacomb
of Terror" they'll be "epinephrine" in their pants! [Short pause]
After 8 o'clock why don't you slide around back and let yourself in
the basement. |
| Wilson: | I'll be there, Tim. |
| Tim: | Oh, I also need that special meat cleaver. You know what I'm talking
about? |
| Wilson: | Aha. Coming right up, neighbor. |
| | |
| Cut to the kitchen/family room. |
|---|
| [Randy is standing by the stairs, dressed in a pirate's costume] |
| | |
| Randy: | [Yelling upstairs] Mark! Hurry up! Come on! Johnny's mom's gonna be
here! |
| [Randy runs into the living room. Tim comes from the garden. He has the
meat cleaver through his head] |
| Tim: | Hey, Randy. |
| Randy: | What? |
| Tim: | Have you seen that meat cleaver around here anywhere? |
| [Randy has obviously seen this gag before] |
| Randy: | No, Dad! |
| Tim: | Come on. I've got a splitting headache. [Short pause] |
| Randy: | Dad. Don't you ever get tired of that fake meat cleaver gag? |
| Tim: | I've got a little surprise for you, fellow. This is a real meat
cleaver. It's a fake head! [Laughs] Where's Mom? |
| Randy: | Uh, she's upstairs getting dressed. |
| Tim: | Is it a really scary costume? |
| Randy: | I don't know. I haven't seen it. |
| [Mark enters from upstairs. He's dressed as Tim "The Toolman" Taylor with
toolbelt and everything] |
| Mark: | I'm ready. [Short pause] |
| Randy: | Who are you supposed to be? |
| Mark: | I'm Daddy. I'm Tim "The Toolman" Taylor! |
| Tim: | [Grunts] Oh oh OH OH oh. |
| Mark: | [Grunts] Oh oh OH OH oh. |
| [Tim and Mark slap their hands] |
| Randy: | You should have gone as Al. We could have gotten more stuff. [Short
pause] |
| [You hear a car horn outside] |
| Randy: | Oh. That's Johnny's Mom. We gotta go. |
| [Randy takes a sack with something in it and wants to go out. Tim stops him
and takes the sack. He takes out the things as he says it] |
| Tim: | Let's take a look in there quick. What have you got in there, "No
Beard"? Okay. We've got eggs, soap, shaving cream. Are you gonna hatch
one of these, get a chicken, shave it and give it a bath? |
| Randy: | Johnny's mom asked us to pick up a few things. She said she didn't
have time to go to the store. [Short pause] |
| Tim: | Nice try! |
| [The car horn honks again] |
| Tim: | You guys get going. Have some fun and remember, Randy. Only go to
houses we know. And don't-- |
| Randy & Tim: | Eat anything till we've had a chance to check it out. |
| Tim: | Watch both ways when you cross the street. Have some fun. |
| [Randy and Mark leave] |
| Tim: | [Shouting upstairs to Jill] Honey. Will you hurry on down here?
The kids are almost here and I can't wait to see your scary costume. |
| Jill: | [From upstairs, shouting] I hope you're watching those monkey skulls.
They shouldn't get too soft. |
| [Tim suddenly remembers them and heads for the oven] |
| Tim: | Shoot! |
| [Jill comes down the stairs] |
| Jill: | [From the next room] Oh no. I hope you didn't ruin them. |
| [Tim opens the oven and looks inside] |
| Tim: | No, they're all right. The monkeys are fine but that organ grinder is
a little crispy in there. |
| [Jill comes down dressed as a gigantic carrot. Tim holds up his hands in
front of himself, screaming] |
| Jill: | Don't even start. |
| Tim: | That's the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life! |
| Jill: | I had a little problem with the reservation. |
| Tim: | Hide the dip! |
| Jill: | They lost my reservation. This is all they had left. |
| [The doorbell rings] |
| Tim: | Wait a minute. Wait a minute now. [Shouts upstairs] Hey Brad. Hustle
up, your friends are here. |
| Brad: | [From upstairs] I'll be right down. |
| [Tim opens the door for three kids] |
| Kids: | Trick or treat! |
| [A deep scream from the basement] |
| Tim: | Quick! Get in. Come on. |
| [Jill walks to the front door] |
| Jill: | [To the kids] You look so great. These are great costumes. You got a
devil and a ballerina and-- [Raising the pitch of her voice] a bunny. |
| Tim: | [To the Bunny] Hey, I don't like the way you're looking at Ms. Carrot.
Get over here. Get over here. Come on. |
| [Curtis enters, dressed like an atom with two rings of electrons] |
| Curtis: | Hi, Mrs. Taylor. |
| Jill: | [With attitude, being just polite to Curtis] Curtis! Oh hoh. Tim,
Curtis is here! |
| Curtis: | Mrs. Taylor, that's a great costume. |
| Jill: | Thank you, Curtis. |
| Curtis: | [Naturally] You can't even see how fat you are. [Short pause] |
| Jill: | What are you supposed to be, Curtis? |
| Curtis: | I'm an atom. |
| Jill: | [With attitude] Then why don't you split? |
| Curtis: | Very funny, Mrs. Taylor. |
| Tim: | Hey, tell you what, Curtis. Why don't you help put the hair on the
monkey skulls. |
| [The doorbell rings again] |
| Brad: | [Shouts from upstairs] I'll get it! |
| [Brad runs very awkwardly down the stairs with those big shoes. He opens
the door. It's Jennifer. She's dressed in leather] |
| Jennifer: | [Calmly] Hello, Bradley. |
| [Brad has almost frozen] |
| Brad: | I thought you were coming as Raggedy Ann. |
| Jennifer: | I changed my mind. |
| Brad: | Why? |
| Jennifer: | You made it very clear that you didn't wanna be with me at this
party with me tonight. |
| Brad: | When? |
| Jennifer: | You know when. |
| [Danny enters, dressed the same as Jennifer] |
| Danny: | [To Brad] Hey, Taylor. |
| Brad: | What's going on here? |
| [Danny stands besides Jennifer] |
| Danny: | Nothing. Jennifer and I are together. |
| Brad: | She's supposed to be with me. |
| Danny: | So get over it! And besides, you're having a bad hair-day, dude! |
| [Danny touches Brad's red hair] |
| Brad: | Shut up, Danny! |
| [Brad slaps Danny, and he pushes back. Tim enters from behind, catching
Brad] |
| Tim: | Hey, hey! Cut it out! Come on. We don't do this around here. |
| [Danny points at Brad] |
| Danny: | He started it. |
| Tim: | [To Brad] Did you start this? |
| [Brad runs out] |
| Brad: | Leave me alone. |
| [Tim runs after Brad] |
| Tim: | Hey. Come on, Brad. Come back here! |
| | |
| Cut to the family room. |
|---|
| [Curtis and Jill have witnessed the situation] |
| | |
| Curtis: | Mrs. Taylor, why did Brad leave? |
| Jill: | Well, I don't know. I suppose he's just embarrassed about his costume. |
| Curtis: | Oh. When are you gonna leave? |
| | |
| [Commercial break] |
|---|
| | |
| Cut to the family room, a short time later. |
|---|
| [Tim walks around with a bowl of food] |
| | |
| Tim: | Okay, girls. Here you go. Dirt filled with worms. Ha haaa. [Tim walks
to a chair with a skeleton in it. To the skeleton] Come on buddy, you
gotta eat something! |
| [The girls laugh. Jennifer and Danny sit on the couch. Curtis approaches
them] |
| Curtis: | [To Danny] Hi! My name is Curtis. You don't have a very good
costume. |
| Danny: | Take a hike! |
| Curtis: | Guess what I am. |
| Danny: | An idiot? |
| | |
| Cut to the kitchen. |
|---|
| [Jill fumbles with her zipper on the front of the costume. Everytime she
talks, the top of her costume gets into Tim's face] |
| | |
| Tim: | How's Brad doing? |
| Jill: | Oh, he's okay. He just wants to have a few minutes by himself. You
know the zipper is like sticking and I think I had too much punch.
Can you fix this for me? |
| Tim: | [Grunting] Oh you had too much punch. How does this feel? [Punches her
softly in the stomach. Jill screams] |
| Jill: | Oh, don't do that. Come on. |
| [Tim walks to the counter looking in a drawer] |
| Jill: | What are you looking for? |
| Tim: | Vegetable peeler. |
| [Tim holds one up in front of Jill] |
| Jill: | Oh, Tim. This is getting, you know, like, kind of, serious. |
| Tim: | Is it serious, huh? Let me get the bolt cutter. |
| [Tim heads for the garage] |
| Jill: | No, no, no, no. I put a huge deposit on this thing. |
| Tim: | Just kidding. A little spray lubricate will-- |
| [Tim sprays something on the zipper] |
| Jill: | You have to do this now. |
| Tim: | Sit still for a minute. |
| Jill: | Now! |
| [Curtis enters the kitchen] |
| Curtis: | Mr. Taylor? |
| Tim: | Yeah, what is it Curtis? |
| Curtis: | Where's the bathroom? |
| Tim: | Well, for atoms like you it's down the hall near the cyclotron. |
| [Curtis heads for the hall] |
| Jill: | You got it? |
| Tim: | You're free. |
| [Jill also runs to the hall. She overtakes Curtis] |
| Jill: | [To Curtis, shouting] Outta my way, atom boy. |
| [Curtis comes back walking backwards. Jill was really speeding] |
| | |
| Cut to the backyard, a short time later. |
|---|
| [Brad is sitting down. Tim enters from garden door] |
| | |
| Tim: | How is it going, sport? |
| Brad: | Okay! |
| Tim: | Don't you wanna come inside and join the rest of us? |
| Brad: | I think I'm gonna beat up Danny. |
| Tim: | Aren't you mad at the wrong person? |
| Brad: | I can't beat up Jennifer. |
| Tim: | I don't know. I think you can take her. [Short pause] |
| Brad: | Dad! |
| Tim: | What happened to you two? What did you do? |
| Brad: | Nothing! |
| Tim: | Come on. What's the last thing that happened before she got mad at you? |
| Brad: | I don't know. |
| Tim: | Help me, think. Was it tonight? Yesterday? After school? |
| Brad: | Yesterday after school we played kickball. |
| Tim: | Right. You've got a clue now. You didn't kick her in the face with a
ball, did you? |
| Brad: | No! |
| Tim: | Good. Cuz women really hate that. What did you do? |
| Brad: | I didn't do anything. Besides, why does it have to be my fault? |
| Tim: | Son, it's always our fault. |
| Brad: | Why didn't she just tell me? She said I should know. |
| Tim: | She didn't tell you because women aren't as smart as they think they
are. They don't realize how little we actually know. You've gotta go
in there and find out what's going on. Try to see her side. |
| Brad: | I don't care about her side. |
| Tim: | Really? Why are you wearing a red wig and size 18 shoe? |
| Brad: | [Silent] Okay, I care. |
| Tim: | All right. Go in there and talk to her. And remember, the two most
important things you can say to a woman are, "I understand." |
| Brad: | "I understand?" |
| Tim: | Right. Say those two words and they'll forgive you for just about
anything. |
| Brad: | Got it. |
| Tim: | Oh, one more thing: Loose the wig and shoes. |
| [Brad takes off the shoes] |
| | |
| Cut to the family room. |
|---|
| [Jennifer is bored. Danny has obviously disappeared for a while] |
| | |
| Cut to the kitchen. |
|---|
| | |
| Jill: | How's Brad? |
| Tim: | He's okay. We had a little man-to-man talk. I shared some of my
expertise on women. |
| Jill: | Oh. After that you talked about neuro-surgery? |
| Tim: | No, we talked about how much happier you'd have been if you'd married a
big cabbage. |
| | |
| Cut to the family room. |
|---|
| [Brad enters and sits in front of Jennifer] |
| | |
| Brad: | Hi. |
| Jennifer: | Hello. |
| Brad: | I thought you were coming as Raggedy Ann. |
| Jennifer: | I was going to. |
| [In the background, Tim is cleaning up] |
| Brad: | I understand. |
| [Tim bends his elbow swinging it down as if he says: "YES!!!"] |
| Jennifer: | Understand what? |
| [Brad looks at Tim for a second but Tim just spreads his hands to signal
he doesn't know] |
| Brad: | Uh... I... I understand you're mad at me. |
| Jennifer: | Who wouldn't be. In kickball, you picked Elaine instead of me. |
| Brad: | She's good. I wanted to win. |
| Jennifer: | You embarrassed me. You should have seen Elaine. She was gloating. |
| Brad: | Why didn't you just say something on the playground. |
| Jennifer: | Bradley, how could you not know. You can be so dense. |
| Brad: | [Self-confident] Hey, I may be dense but my team won! |
| Tim: | [Coughing this line] Don't start talking like that! |
| [Tim coughs again to make it seem real. Brad moves himself to sit next to
Jennifer] |
| Brad: | Well, I understand that winning doesn't matter. I should have picked
you. |
| Jennifer: | I'm sorry, I didn't come as Raggedy Ann. |
| Brad: | Yeah, not as sorry as I am. |
| | |
| Cut to the basement, a short time later. |
|---|
| [You can hear scary music and deep-voice laughter. The floor is covered
with smoke and the room is full of ghosts and other Halloween stuff
including a chemistry set with boiling liquids. Jill comes down the
stairs. The kids are behind her] |
| | |
| Jill: | Okay everybody. Come on down. [Jill tries to turn on the light but the
switch doesn't work] Uh-oh. The lights don't work. This is not good.
Be very careful. Stay together. Watch out for hideous monsters. |
| [Curtis is right behind Jill] |
| Curtis: | There are no hideous monsters down here. |
| Jill: | There's at least one, Curtis! |
| [The deep-voice laughter again] |
| Danny: | [From the top of the stairs] This isn't scary. It's totally lame! |
| [Mark dressed in the horrible mask that Tim had at the studio comes out
screaming at the kids. Everybody but Danny screams] |
| Danny: | Oh come on, Jennifer. That's just Brad's dumb little brother. |
| Mark: | It is not me. |
| [You hear some bangs and chains] |
| Jill: | Wait, wait. Watch out, watch out. That's chains. What could it be? |
| [Jill points her flashlight at a coffin. It opens and reveals Tim dressed
as a female zombie. He has a big scar on his forehead] |
| Jill: | It's Nanastein. |
| Tim: | [With a female strange voice] Mother-in-law from beyond the grave! |
| [Tim stretches his arms in front of him like a zombie and walks towards the
children. He stops on the way and begins to cough. He takes something out
of his mouth] |
| Tim: | [Still with strange voice] I seem to have hawked up a little maggot. |
| [Tim holds up the maggot. Jill and the kids are disgusted] |
| Tim: | Now I wanna kiss a little kid. Come here. |
| [Tim walks to the stairs but the children scream and run up to the house.
only Danny stays. Tim follows them but at the top of the stairs he turns
around and walks down again. He bangs his head at the pipe over the
stairs] |
| Danny: | [To Tim] This is pathetic. You are in a dress, you son's a doll and
your wife is a radish. |
| Jill: | Hey I'm a carrot. Learn your vegetables. |
| Tim: | [With his normal voice] Hey, lighten up a little bit. Don't wreck this
for everybody else, okay? |
| Danny: | If you've built it, it's all gonna fall apart anyway. I've seen your
show. It should be called "Fool Time." |
| Tim: | [With the strange voice again] Making fun of Nanastein's favorite
show is not a good idea, son. Why don't you check out Nana's little
toolbox, smarty? [Tim points to the toolbox] |
| Danny: | Oh oh. A toolbox. I'm scared! What's gonna happen? Is the wrench
gonna pop out and say boo? |
| [Danny walks towards a big man-size box with a toolbox on it] |
| Tim: | I don't know. |
| [Danny opens the toolbox but it falls apart and reveals a bucket on the top
of the big box] |
| Danny: | Oo-hoo-hoo. A bucket. I'm scared! |
| [Danny removes the bucket. Underneath is Al's head. He's dressed as a
vampire. He turns around to face Danny and shows his teeth. Now Danny gets
scared, screams, and runs upstairs. But on the stairs someone stops him. I
can't see if it is Mark in the same costume, but it could also be Randy.
Danny turns around trying to get away. Close-up on Al] |
| Al: | Aaaaaaah. Where's my body? My body! |
| [Danny freezes with his back up against something covered with a sheet. The
sheet lifts off and reveals Wilson dressed as a mummy with Wilson's usual
hat on. He grabs Danny around the neck with one arm and Danny tries to
run. But Wilson lifts in the air and Danny gets loose. He runs upstairs
and out. Close-up on Tim and Al still in their costumes. They look into
the camera and smile. The other kids clap] |
| | |
| Cut to the basement, later that night. |
|---|
| [Tim is helping Wilson to get off the wire that lifted him up in the air.
Al is still in the box] |
| | |
| Al: | Well Tim. Your "Haunted House" was a huge success. I've gotta hand it
to you. |
| Tim: | With what? [Tim laughs] |
| Wilson: | Oh, thank you, Nanastein. You are looking so youthful this evening. |
| Tim: | [With the strange voice] Well that's probably that new moisturise, that
"Formaldehyde of Olay." |
| Wilson: | See you later. Al, nice working with you. [Wilson walks upstairs] |
| Al: | Good night, Wilson. |
| Tim: | Let me follow you up. I'll get that cleaver and give it back. |
| [Tim heads for the stairs] |
| Al: | Tim! |
| Tim: | What is it, Al? |
| Al: | Well what about me? |
| Tim: | What about you? |
| Al: | Well, there are spiders down here! |
| Tim: | Al, those spiders are like joke spiders. Jill bought those at, like,
a magician shop. They're rubber spiders. They're a lot of fun. Okay? |
| [Close-up on Al. In front of him on the box you can see a gigantic spider
and it's alive!] |
| Al: | Tim? |
| Tim: | I'll be right down to get you. |
| [Tim walks upstairs] |
| Al: | Tim. [To himself] I don't think she bought this at a joke store.
[Shouting] Tim! Tiiiiiiim! |
| [Echo of the last Tim and deep-voice laughter] |
| | |
| CREDITS |
|---|
| | |
| [Outtakes from the last scene - in the basement. This must be seen] |
|---|
| | |
| Crew: | 3... 2... |
| | |
| Al: | Well, Tim. I have to... [Richard forgets his line] Mmm. |
| | |
| [Beep. Cut] |
|---|
| | |
| Crew: | 3... 2... |
| | |
| Al: | Well... [Richard laughs] |
| | |
| [Beep. Cut] |
|---|
| | |
| Tim: | We are not highly paid but we are skilled. Not even that skilled!
[Tim laughs] |
| | |
| [Beep. Cut] |
|---|
| | |
| Tim: | And I'm not wearing any underwear. |
| | |
| [A female voice says "Boo"] |
| | |
| THE END |
|---|
