Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

Roomie for Improvement

Episode No# 031
Written by:
Billy Riback
Directed by:
John Pasquin
Transcript by:
Jan Nielsen
Corrections should be sent to:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Guest Cast
Mario Andretti - Himself
Michael Andretti - Himself
Cynthia - Debra Engle
Episode begins at the "Tool Time" set.
Tim: Before we start, I wanna remind the audience that next time on "Tool Time" we have some very special guests. That superstar racing team of Mario and Michael Andretti will be here. [Tim claps his hands] All right.
[The audience applauds]
Al: I'm very excited to have my racing heroes here on the show.
Tim: It's hard to imagine you getting so jazzed up about racing the way you drive. [To the audience] He drives like an old lady in a church parking lot. [Tim imagines he drives with an old lady's voice] Watch out for that speed bump. Buh- bump.
Al: I drive defensively, Tim.
Tim: You dress defensively, Al. [Short pause]
Al: My mother gave me this shirt.
Tim: Why? Did she outgrow it? [Short pause]
Al: No.
Tim: Anyway, let's get back to our salute...
[Tim and Al make a salute. You can hear a blurping sound like squeezing a tube]
Tim: To lubricates. For this demonstration, we've split this straight six-cylinder down the middle.
[Tim shows a motor and opens it]
Al: [Quietly] Tim. My mother has very fine taste. Her shirts look nothing like this.
Tim: Right, Al. Anyway, try to imagine, if you will, that my fists are pistons. [He puts his arms down the cylinders] All right, Al. Close up the engine.
Al: Gladly, Tim.
[Al closes the engine with a bang]
Tim: [In pain] Oh! [Short pause] Okay, let's try to start this engine.
[Tim makes the sound of a motor that won't start. He tries to move his arms up and down the cylinders but he can't]
Tim: Well, it won't start. That's because the pistons are stuck. Just like they were during last year's play-off. [Short pause] But they will move if they are lubricated, that is if the oil pump is pumping oil through the system, the pistons will move. [To Al] So let's open the engine up and show them how the oil gets in there. Grab the oil and help me out, Al.
[Al takes a bottle from the desk]
Al: Here it is. Of course: Motor oil. Well. Gee, I wouldn't wanna get any of this on my nice shirt my mother gave me. I better go change before I let you out. [Al walks backstage]
Tim: Come on. Open this up. Al! AL!
[Tim moves the motor up to the camera so he can look directly in it and talk to the viewers]
Tim: Tool Time Tip of the Day: When you're insulting your coworker's mother, make sure you're not locked into an engine compartment.
Cut to "Tool Time" set - backstage.
[Al is standing besides a TV set with the close-up on Tim. Tim in the TV looks at Al]
Tim: [To Al] Al, I know you're back there. Al, I know right where you are. [Whispering] Now let me out.
[Opening credits]
Cut to the kitchen, later that day.
[Randy takes something from the refrigerator. Jill enters from upstairs carrying two suitcases]
Jill: [Shouting] Mark! Stop scratching or I'm gonna have to cut your fingernails even shorter!
Mark: [From upstairs] [Shouting] But it itches.
Jill: Well, bring the calamine lotion down again.
Mark: Oh man!
[Jill puts down the suitcases at the garage door]
Randy: Mom, please. Please don't run away.
Jill: These are for your father. He's never had chicken pox and I don't want Mark to give it to him. So he's gonna have to move out for a few days.
Randy: Uh-huh. I've never had chicken pox either. I think I'll just go pack my bags and check into a nice hotel.
Jill: Yeah, yeah. You stay right where you are. I want you to get them. Did you kiss your brother like I told you to?
Randy: Oh yeah, and we're getting married next Tuesday.
Jill: I wish you would be nicer to your brother. You know, he's probably the only little brother you're ever gonna have. Actually, I can guarantee he's the only one you're ever gonna have. So here-- [Jill gives Randy a cup] Just take this juice to him. And you better be sick when you get up in the morning!
[Randy walks upstairs. Tim enters from the garage]
Tim: Hi, baby.
Jill: Oh hi!
Tim: Why are my bags over here?
Jill: You gotta leave! [Short pause]
Tim: Oh. This cuz I said that your mother was the world's second largest mammal, isn't it?
Jill: I never heard that.
Tim: I never said it.
Jill: Remember that fever that Mark had last night?
Tim: 'Flu?
Jill: It's chicken pox.
Tim: Oh! [Tim picks up something]
Jill: There's germs everywhere. Don't touch that!
Tim: I can't get sick. The Andrettis are gonna be on "Tool Time". I'll go to my Mom's. No no. A hotel!
Jill: Well, check with Al before you do anything else.
Tim: Why?
Jill: Well, when I called to warn you about that, he said that you can stay in his apartment.
Tim: Stay with Al? That's a good one.
Jill: I told him that you'd get back to him.
Tim: You didn't just say no?
Jill: Oh, I didn't know what to say. He was really being sweet. He called you his roomie.
Tim: Oh man!
Jill: Well you know. He said he wanted to do something nice because of that lubricant thing he did to you, and please don't explain that!
[Mark enters from upstairs]
Mark: Mom?
[Jill takes Tim by his coat and makes him go out to the garden]
Jill: That's Mark. Don't let him give it to you. Come on, come on.
Tim: Mark, I have to go away for a couple of days. Feel better, buddy.
Cut to the backyard.
[Wilson is barbecuing]
Mark: I'll miss you.
Tim: I'll miss you too, buddy. [To Wilson] Hey Wilson.
Wilson: Hidy-ho, Tim.
Tim: Smells like you're barbecuing. It smells good. Hamburgers? Hot dogs?
Wilson: No no. Today we're having some grilled grasshoppers and cricket kebabs. [Wilson takes a stick with some of the food on it and shows it to Tim. Tim just stares at him] I got the recipe out of my survival newsletter, "Aftermath". [Wilson hands the newsletter to Tim]
Tim: I'll be gone a couple of days. Mark's got chicken pox and I have never had them. [Tim looks through the newsletter] Can I ask you a question?
Wilson: Throw another bug at my barbie, Tim.
Tim: Al wants me to stay at his apartment and I really don't want to.
Wilson: Uh-huh.
Tim: But if I say no, I'm gonna hurt his feelings and I don't wanna do that. So I guess I'm gonna have to stay there, right?
Wilson: Well, Tim. Your feelings are important too, right?
Tim: Yeah.
Wilson: So you should tell Al exactly how you feel. You know what they say, "Honesty is the best policy."
Tim: All right. I'll just tell him the truth. I mean, guys don't lie to each other. I'll just say I don't wanna stay there. He'll understand that. Thanks, Wilson.
Wilson: Oh your welcome. Now if you'll excuse me. I have to scrounge up an appetizer.
[Tim hands the newsletter back to Wilson and wants to walk inside. Al comes through the trees in the garden]
Al: Hi, Tim.
Tim: Al. What are you doing here?
Al: Talk about timing. I was just coming up the driveway and Jill was coming down with your bags so I put them in my station wagon out front.
Tim: I really appreciate that, Al--
[Al goes on]
Al: Here, I had this made specially for you. This key. It's got your initials on it.
[Tim waits for a few seconds]
Tim: Al, I don't wanna stay with you.
[Al feels hurt]
Tim: I mean... I don't wanna stay with you... for very long! I don't wanna overstay my welcome and become a burden.
Al: [Cheering up] Well, that's no burden. Come on, roomie.
Cut to Al's apartment, a short time later.
[Tim and Al enter]
Al: Welcome to my humble abode, roomie.
Tim: Thanks, Allie!
[Al closes the door and shows Tim a couch]
Al: So... Well this is where you'll sleep. I made this myself.
[Al walks to the back of the room while Tim inspects the couch]
Al: I'll take the hammock up here. The... Of course you know...
[Al points to a door]
Tim: Bathroom.
Al: The bathroom is right through here. That's right. Your towels are the ones with the matador on them.
[Al opens a closet containing a lot of flannel shirts]
Al: And this is your closet space.
Tim: I didn't realize that flannel could reproduce so quickly.
[Al laughs and makes a snoring sound]
Al: Normally I don't find you that funny but now that we are roomies I realize that you actually do have a sense of humor.
Tim: It's from working with you, Al. [Tim points at a picture] Who's this guy here?
Al: It's Gordy Hawkins.
Tim: A race driver or something?
Al: No, no. World class square dance caller. [Tim looks at Al, astounded] I'm taking this correspondence course, "Get in touch with the square dancer in you."
[Al shows Tim a booklet. Tim looks even more astounded. Al turns on his tape recorder and plays some square dance music. He starts to dance around saying the same things as the caller]
Al: We'll join hands and circle the left...
[Al dances around while Tim just stares]
Al: [Behind Tim] Keep those feet up above the ground...
[Al jumps up and kicks his feet together. Tim is still in shock. The doorbell rings]
Al: We'll promenade, go round the ring, go back till you get back home.
[Al dances to the door and back again. He opens the door and Tim turns off the music with a remote control. Cynthia, Al's neighbor, is outside the door]
Al: Oh hello, Cynthia.
Cynthia: Hi, Al.
Tim: [To Al] Who's at the door?
Cynthia: [To Al] Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you had company.
Al: No Cynthia. Please, I would like you to meet Tim Taylor. This is the man that I work with.
[Tim gets up from the couch and walks to the door]
Tim: Hi Cynthia. How are you?
Cynthia: Oh. You're the one that assists Al on his show.
[Al looks a bit embarrassed but Tim doesn't want to embarrass him]
Tim: That's me.
Cynthia: [To Al] Can I borrow a cup of sugar?
Al: Well, sure. Sure thing. Yeah.
Cynthia: I'm baking a cake. Maybe you could come over later and have some?
Al: Well I would love to. But, I... Well, gee, I have some activities planned for Tim and me tonight.
Tim: [Surprised] Oh boy!
[Al puts packets of sugar in Cynthia's cup]
Al: Well, here's some sugar packets. They ought to add up to a cup.
Cynthia: Oh well, thanks. Bye. [To Tim] Nice to see you!
Tim: Nice to meet you, Cynthia.
[Cynthia walks out and Al closes the door]
Tim: Great, Al. What's the matter with you?
Al: What?
Tim: She invited you over. She doesn't wanna bake a cake. She wants to sample the Al dessert tray.
Al: I know that, Tim. It's just that she's on the rebound. She's vulnerable. I don't wanna take advantage of that.
Tim: Oh Al! It's not like a beautiful woman stops by your apartment every day.
Al: Actually she does.
Tim: Hey partner, I tell you what. [Tim picks up Al's big western hat and wears it] Why don't we go down to Big Mike's, get ourselves some burgers, have a beer?
Al: No no, listen. This is our first night together.
Tim: Come on partner. They've got that big widescreen TV they just put in.
Al: Well, I have a roast in the crock pot and I have some great entertainment lined up. I have a tape I that think you're going to like.
[Al starts the VCR]
Tim: Road runner? Terminator? Stooges?
Al: Even better.
[The TV screen shows a home video of some Christmas. There are a couple of kids in it]
Al: Do you recognize the little boy?
Tim: It's... You?
Al: Yes, that's me at three. My mother has 17 years of me growing up and she put them all on 12 eight-hour tapes.
[Al opens the video cabinet and reveals 21 tapes (although he said 12) videotapes labelled "Al 1966" through "Al 1986"]
Al: There's practically my whole life here for you to see.
[Tim rubs his forehead]
[Commercial break]
Cut to the living room in the Taylor house.
[Mark is lying on the couch. Jill is in the kitchen]
Mark: Mom, can I have some ice cream?
Jill: For breakfast?
Mark: Please, I'm really itching.
[Jill takes a little cup of ice cream and hands it to Mark]
Jill: Tell no one.
[Tim is in the garden knocking on the glass door]
Mark: Hi Dad!
Tim: Feel better?
Mark: Kind of.
Cut to the backyard.
[Jill walks out into the garden]
Jill: Hi Honey. Is this the jacket you wanted?
[As soon as she comes out, Tim presses her up against him and kisses her]
Tim: Ohh!
Jill: [Laughing] I guess I should kick you out of the house more often, huh?
Tim: If I ever say it's hard living with you, just say one word: Aaaaal!
[Tim and Jill sit down on the firewood box]
Jill: Is it that bad, huh?
Tim: His mother recorded his whole life on videotape. Last night it was three hours of "Musky fishin' with Uncle Phil."
Jill: Ooooo!
Tim: Do you know that in the 7th grade he build a replica of the Washington Monument with popsicle sticks.
Jill: Lots of kids do stuff like that!
Tim: It was life size! [Short pause] Last night it was the "Al, the Early Years". Tonight: "Puberty!" [Tim lies down on Jill's thighs] Starring: Al!
[Jill rubs Tim's back]
Jill: Poor baby! You look exhausted.
Tim: Oh! I don't think I slept for 20 minutes. You've never heard snoring like that.
Jill: Wanna bet?
Tim: I don't snore!
Jill: Then you've got a propeller up your nose.
Tim: He says he doesn't snore either. I've got proof! I wasn't sleeping anyway, so I taped him.
Jill: You taped him?
Tim: Yeah!
Jill: That is so weird! I think it's time for you to move into a hotel. I'll join you there.
Tim: I'll go to "The Barkley". Meet me there.
Jill: Okay. I'll check with Wilson and see if he can stay tonight.
Tim: Wilson?
Jill: Yeah. He's coming over to stay with Mark while I go to the drugstore. Bye!
[Jill kisses Tim and walks inside]
Cut to the "Tool Time" set, the next day.
Tim: We're pretty darn excited here on "Tool Time". To wrap up Auto Week, I've invited some very special guests here. We caught them at Michigan International Speedway trying out a new motor for their race car. Please welcome, the superstar father and son racing team of Mario and Michael Andretti.
[You hear the sound of a speeding car. Mario and Michael enter. The audience applauds. Mario and Michael say hello to Al and sit down with Tim]
Tim: Thank you. You guys take a seat and let's talk about racing, man and machine. Man and machine, the ultimate relationship.
Al: Of course not as important as the father and son relationship.
Tim: [To Al] Or the sucking up to the guests relationship. Let's talk about race cars for a minute. [Tim holds up a box with a model race car inside] This is what every man dreams about at night.
Al: It's what I dream about, Tim.
Tim: Blows that theory. [To Mario] Tell me, Mario. What's the toughest thing about taking a race car on a track and a 180 miles per hour?
Mario Andretti: Adjusting the radio.
[Al laughs and makes the snoring sound and slaps Mario's and Michael's shoulders]
Al: That's a good one, Mario. You know, I've read that the smell of the tyres can tell you if you're pushing your car too hard.
Tim: Al, I think we maybe should let the guests talk.
Michael Andretti: But Tim, Al is right.
Al: Thank you Michael. Mm-mm-MM-MM-mm.
[The "I scored this one" hum they do so often]
Tim: We all know about the smell thing. What about the hearing thing, Al? You know about that? Go ahead Michael, tell him about the hearing thing.
Michael Andretti: What hearing thing?
Tim: You know when you listen to the hum of the motor so you know precisely when to shift.
Mario Andretti: Oh excellent point, Tim.
Tim: [To Al] Oh-oh-OH-OH-oh. [The same as Al did before but he doesn't hum] Anyway, I've got a little test I got here today that could be kind of fun. I had our sound man Klaus put together some engine sounds. We're gonna play the engine sounds back and see if these professionals can tell us which engine is which. [To Mario and Michael] You guys wanna play?
Michael Andretti: Sure.
Mario Andretti: Sounds good.
Al: We're ready.
[Al puts his hands on Mario and Michael's shoulders]
Tim: You're not playing, Al. Take your hands off the guests. [Al removes his hands] Okay Klaus, if you will, that first engine.
[You hear the sound of an engine speeding up. After one second, Tim makes a cut with his arm and the sound stops]
Tim: Anybody?
Michael Andretti: That'd be Ford 5 liter V8?
Tim: Right on the money!
[Everybody claps their hands]
Tim: Let's see if Daddy-O here's as smart as his boy. All right Mario, it's your chance. Klaus, second motor.
[Another engine sound. Tim cuts it off like before]
Mario Andretti: 2 liter Alfa-Romero Spider Engine.
Tim: Bull's eye. Bull's eye! Unbelievable.
[Everybody claps]
Al: [To Mario] You know, for a moment there I thought it was the 3 liter.
Mario Andretti: Actually, so did I. Hey you're pretty good. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't mind having you on my pit crew.
Tim: [Self-confident, grunting] Hey, what about me?
Mario Andretti: I wouldn't mind having you on Danny Sullivan's pit crew.
[The audience laughs. Al laughs and puts his hand on Mario and Michael's shoulders]
Al: That was a good one, Mario.
Tim: Al, the hand thing.
[Al removes his hands]
Tim: Since Al sounds like he knows so much, why don't we invite Al to play that last and final round, all right?
[The audience applauds]
Al: My pleasure.
Tim: Okay Klaus, that third engine please.
[You hear a snoring noise.The audience laughs and Tim tries not to laugh]
Mario Andretti: I don't know what that is. Sounds pretty rough.
Al: Yes, sounds like there's an obstruction in the carburetor.
Tim: Well you're both close. That's Al snoring. I taped that last night.
Cut to Al's appartment, later.
[Tim enters. Al is making dinner]
Tim: Honey, I'm home.
[Al slams the oven shut. He's obviously mad]
Tim: Al, why did you take off so early? Andretti's stuck around to say goodbye to you.
Al: I had to come home, Tim. Dinner does not make itself. [Al takes two plates]
Tim: Al, I hope you're not upset but I was thinking... It might be a good idea if I skipped dinner and just went to a hotel.
[Al is obviously hurt]
Al: Fine, I think that is a very good idea! [Al puts one plate back]
Tim: Are you upset about something?
Al: You just embarrassed me in front of two people that I happen to most idolize.
Tim: Me... [To himself] And who else? Is this about that snoring gag? The crowd loved it. It was real funny.
Al: Tim, it's very difficult to go through life with a deviated septum.
Tim: It could be worse. You could be working at the circus as Al, the Donkey Boy.
Al: Tim... I opened up my life to you and you used that to hurt me. The whole reason I wanted you to come over here was so we could get to know each other better as people and I thought maybe that would make us better friends!
Tim: And you don't think that happened? Alright, let's eat the dinner. Let's eat dinner. Come on.
Al: No, no, thank you. I... I think that you should leave.
[Al takes Tim's clothes and his suitcase and walks outside the apartment]
Tim: No, I wanna see more of your home movies. Al, what are you doing? Come on. Where are you going with the bags?
Cut to outside Al's apartment.
[Al puts down Tim's suitcase and Tim comes out]
Tim: What are you putting them out here for?
[Al walks back to the apartment and closes the door]
Tim: Al, oh right!
[In the background you see Cynthia come home. She's about to let herself in when she hears the conversation. She listens to the rest of the conversation. Tim knocks on the door]
Tim: Come on. Let me in.
Al: Go away, Tim.
Tim: Al you can't end it like this. We've had a relationship for three years!
Al: It's over between us. [Short pause]
[Tim notices Cynthia. He tries not to let her get the wrong idea]
Tim: Al, open the door. [Tim knocks on the door]
Al: No, you should never have made that recording of me in bed!
[Cynthia drops her groceries. Tim walks to her. She's frightened and tries to get in]
Tim: [To Cynthia] Wait, wait. You've got this all wrong. [Cynthia walks in] Wow, wow Cynthia. Hello! [Cynthia comes out again] The reason I'm staying here is because one of my kids has chicken pox and I haven't had it.
Cynthia: Oh, you're married?
Tim: Yes.
Cynthia: To a woman?
Tim: Yes. Cut it out. This has nothing to do with him and I. He's not attracted to me or men. As a matter of fact, it's not my place to say, he's attracted to you.
Cynthia: Then why does he keep rejecting me?
Tim: I shouldn't really be telling this but, it's because he respects you and wants to get to know you better.
Cynthia: Really?
Tim: Al is a tremendously sensitive man. And underneath all that flannel is a really big heart. Would you help me out for a minute?
[They walk to Al's door]
Cut to Al's appartment
[Al is still making dinner. Someone knocks at the door]
Al: Go away, Tim!
Cynthia: Al, it's me!
[Al stops what he's doing and walks to the door. He opens it and sees Cynthia. But Tim sneaks in before Al can do anything]
Tim: Aha!
Al: [To Tim] I was opening the door for Cynthia, not for you.
Cynthia: Al... Tim said some really sweet things about you.
Tim: I didn't even tell her all of them. Remember that time at work? We had the lathe going and I got my tie in it.
Al: Tim!
Tim: No thought of his safety, he yanks me out of it and saves my life. And the router... We had the router going. Safety broke.
Al: Tim!
Tim: It was on the table, he saves my life. He saves my life pulling the plug out.
Cynthia: Really?
Tim: And there's more. Do you remember the time you jumped in front of that speeding semi-truck...
Al: Tim!
Tim: ...and saved that elderly nun?
Cynthia: You did?
Al: Cynthia, the story about the nun is nothing...
[Al wants to stop but notices that Cynthia is impressed so he continues]
Al: ...that I usually talk about.
Tim: And he wouldn't because he's so modest. I'm sure he doesn't want me to tell you this but without Al, I couldn't do "Tool Time". Well I could but it would be tough.
Cynthia: [To Tim] "Tool Time" is your show?
[Short pause. Tim is wondering]
Tim: "Tool Time" is our show.
Al: Thanks, Tim.
Cynthia: Well, I guess I should be going.
[Cynthia turns around to go]
Tim: Would you like to stay for dinner?
[Cynthia turns around and looks at Al. He waits for a little while to gather strength]
Al: Would you like to stay for dinner?
Cynthia: That would be lovely. I'll get the cake I made for dessert.
[Cynthia leaves]
Al: Great.
Tim: I'm sorry. Was that router bit pushing it?
Al: No, that was a nice touch. The nun was pushing it.
Tim: Anything I can do to help. I think I'm gonna get out of here.
Al: Oh listen... You could stay the night.
Tim: I think in interest of our friendship I better get out, all right?
[Cynthia comes back with the cake]
Tim: You two have a good time and enjoy your dinner.
Al: We will.
[Al closes the door]
Cut to outside Al's apartment.
[Tim picks up his suitcases and clothes]
[From inside Al's apartment, you can hear square dance music. Tim dances his way down the stairs]
Cut to the family room - later.
[Tim and Jill are lying on the couch half asleep. They talk with vague voices]
Jill: So glad Mark is finally better. I was exhausted.
Tim: In the hotel room, the bed was like sleeping on a bag of rocks.
Jill: The room was so small, wasn't it?
Tim: Small? It was so small, the mice were hunchback. So small that when the key was in the door, it went through the window. So small that all you could order was condensed milk. I had a fold-in toothbrush. There was so small there were no room for complaints.
Jill: No seriously, Tim. We better go upstairs before we fall asleep.
Tim: [Grunting] Ohhh.
Jill: Help me up.
Tim: Help me first.
Jill: Okay we'll help each other on three. One, two, three.
[Neither of them moves. Short pause]
Tim: Did you get up?
Jill: No, did you?
Tim: Let's just stay here. [Tim kisses Jill on the chin] So much better kissing you. Al's beard is so scratchy. At least you shave.
[Tim falls asleep and snores loudly. Jill wakes up.]
[Outtake from the "Tool Time" set. This scene wasn't used in this episode, but was shown during the credits. Tim and Al atand in front of the desk in the TV studio]
Tim: Al as you know it's Auto Week here on "Tool Time" and we're celebrating our salute...
[Tim and Al salute. You can hear a blurping sound like squeezing a tube]
Tim: lubricates. That right. Transmission fluid - Grease - Oil - Gunk. [Grunting] Oh OH OHHH. Al, do you suppose if Ricky Ricardo from the old "Lucy Show" had oil, he would have called it a babba-luuubricant?
Al: They're getting worse, Tim.
Tim: Yeah.

Valid XHTML 1.0 Transitional Valid CSS We rated with ICRA We rated with Safe Surf