Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

The Eve of Construction

Episode No# 067
Written by:
Elliot Shoenman, Marley Sims, Howard J Morris, Rosalind Moore
Directed By:
Andy Cadiff
Transcript by:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Guest Cast
Marie Morton - Mariangela Pino
Ashley - Leigh Ann Orsi
Inspector - Ray Baker
Kimberley Aiken - Herself
John Elway - Himself
Eric Hipple - Himself
Evander Holyfield - Himself
Sean Jones - Himself
Kenny O'Brien - Himself
Bill Pickel - Himself
Kelvin Pritchett - Himself
Jimmy Carter - Himself
Gwen Number One - ??
Howard - ??
Stage Manager - Shawn Shea
Episode begins at the "Tool Time" set. Tim is lying under a car, Al is helping him.
Tim: Now clean the drain plug up before you put it in and don't over tighten it. [Tim is tightening a bolt with a wrench] Change your oil every 3000 miles, [Tim gets up] your engine will last practically forever. Alright Al, let's get cleaned up. [Tim walks to the workbench. Al joins him]
Al: Now, when we're cleaning up, you want to treat your tools just like a member of your family. [Tim cleans the wrench is a bucket of solvent]
Tim: [Laughs] That's right. Al even invites his tools over to Thanksgiving. [Short pause] Even his hammer-in-law. [Short pause]
Al: My point is, when you have a greasy tool, it's best to clean it up with Binford's Super-Solvent. I might also add that this same solvent can clean engine parts when soaked overnight. [Al points into the bucket]
Tim: Overnight? What happens if you have that 2 a.m. hankering to rebuild your motor? [Short pause. Al looks at Tim]
Al: Then you would wanna call 1-800-CUCKOO [Al looks at Tim]
Tim: Al has that number on his, er, speed-dialer. The point I'm trying to make is, to get the real gunk off engine parts, I've come up with a new concoction. [Tim reaches under the bench for a can] You dip it in this stuff, boy. [Tim opens the can] Phew! Stand back! [Tim pours the contents of the can into the bucket, wafting away the fumes] Woo, boy. Dip those engine parts in there and they'll be so clean, you can see yourself in them. [Tim picks up a piston] In Al's case, that's not a real good idea, though. [Short pause. Al examines the can and sniffs it] Dirty piston? A thing of the past in Tim Taylor's Super-Duper Solvent. It's high energy. [Tim puts the piston into the mixture. It fizzes. Tim looks worried. Tim wafts away the smoke and pulls out the crankshaft - all that's left of the piston. Short pause]
Al: That's 1-800-C-U-C-K-O-O.
[Tim and Al walk over to a display board]
Tim: Before we sign off, I'd like to tell you a little about some up-coming shows. Former President Jimmy Carter's favorite organization, Habitat for Humanity, will be here in Detroit, and Al and I will be helping them build.
Al: That's right. Habitat works with needy families and volunteers, who get together and build affordable homes. They offer a hand-up, not a hand-out.
Tim: Very well said, Al. But this special Habitat project, in association with NFL, we'll be providing some celebrity volunteers. Some of the Detroit Lions, from the Denver Bronchos, John Elway, [Al ah-hms in agreement] and, the Heavy-Weight Champion of the World, Evander Holyfield, working with me, and alongside us will be some common folk, like Al and his friends. [Short pause]
Al: Tim and I will both be in charge of building a house [Tim gestures to the pictures on the display board] and we're gonna do this in only 3 days. [Tim scoffs]
Tim: Pff. 3 days. I'll build my house in 1 day. That's including lunch, a nap, and 2 hours in a porta-potty. [Short pause. Tim stares at Al and then walks back to the workbench. Al follows]
Al: It's not a competition, Tim.
Tim: Really. I bet you can't get even near a porta-potty after I've been in there 2 hours. [Short pause. Al looks away]
[Opening credits]
Cut to the living room.
[Brad comes in through the garden door. Randy is sitting on the couch]
Brad: Hey Randy, check this out. [Brad hands Randy a locket which Randy examines]
Randy: Looks like real gold. [Brad sits down in the armchair. Randy hands back the locket]
Brad: Yeah. I found it in the alley. Ashley's birthday's on Friday. I was gonna get her a new bike reflector, but I think this is even better.
Randy: You think? [Brad looks at Randy]
Brad: Uh, here comes mom. Don't tell her about the locket.
[Brad stands up and puts the locket in his pocket. Jill enters the room]
Jill: Hi Brad.
Brad: Hi Mom. Bye Mom. [Brad races upstairs]
[Tim enters from the garage carrying take-aways. Jill opens a cupboard and gets out some plates]
Tim: Hey, Randy.
Randy: Hi Dad.
Tim: Hi Honey. [Tim and Jill kiss through the glass cupboard door. Tim puts the food on the counter] I, uh, got dinner barbecued from "Bits-O-Pig."
[Jill laughs]
Jill: Great, great. [Tim walks back into the garage] Hey, uh, Marie and I watched your show today.
Tim: [Tim looks back into the kitchen] Why? [Tim walks back into the kitchen carrying some drinks which he puts on the counter]
Jill: There was nothing else good on. [Short pause] You didn't tell me that you were involved with building those houses for Habitat.
Tim: Didn't I mention it? [Tim closes the garage door. Jill walks to the table and starts laying out the plates]
Jill: No, you didn't. Y'know, I'd really like to help.
Tim: That's why I didn't mention it.
Jill: It would be fun. The two of us could work together on the same team.
Tim: I don't really think that's a good idea. [Tim puts the food in the oven. Jill gets out some cutlery]
Jill: Why not?
Tim: Well, I read somewhere that husbands and wives shouldn't work together.
Jill: Where did you read that? [Tim closes the oven]
Tim: "Husbands and Wives Shouldn't Work Together Illustrated." We get it down at work. [Randy helps to set the table]
Jill: Huh. I wonder what they'd say about that in that magazine that I get, "Married to an Idiot Monthly." [Short pause. Randy smiles]
Tim: Jill, under normal circumstances, I'd love to have you with me, but this is construction.
[Jill walks to Tim]
Jill: You just don't want a woman on your team. Is that it?
Tim: No, this is, er, uh, uh, lifting, loading, shoveling, y'know, y'know, and for that you need testosterone-pumping, muscle-churning, bone-crushing male-power. [Grunts] Ohh-ohh-ohh-ohh-ohh. [Jill slaps him gently] Ow! [Tim clutches his arm]
Cut to the "Tool Time" Habitat site, the next day.
["Tool Time" theme music. Tim and Al walk on a housing frame towards the cameraman, recording]
Tim: Hi, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor here, and you all know my assistant, Al Borland. [Al salutes] We're here on location [Tim and Al step off the frame] at the Habitat for Humanity job site. [Tim and Al walk towards their teams] Now, Al's team and my team will be building a house similar to this one that's already been started. [Tim points at the house]
Al: That's right, Tim. Although one of us has stacked the deck.
Tim: [To the camera] I don't know what you're talking about, Al. Let's go down to the vacant lot and meet the teams, starting with the winning one, mine. [Tim walks off and Al stands there. Cut to Tim and his Team who are sat on hay-bales]
Tim: Alright, let's meet Team Taylor, shall we? John Elway from the Denver Bronchos. [John stands up. He is taller than Tim] Mile-high guy, huh? Good looking man too, y'know. Sean Jones from the Houston Oilers. [Sean stands up and looks down on Tim] Uh, a-another mile-high guy. Looks good in cotton, doesn't he, alright? Bill Pickel from... [Bill stands up and points to the New York Jets logo on his T-shirt] ...boy.
Bill Pickel: A little help, Toolman? [Tim looks at his T-shirt]
Tim: New York Jets. Alriight. Okay. And now, Ken O'Brien from...
Kenny O'Brien: Wherever you'll take me to. <?>
Tim: Philadelphia Eagles, of course. Now, we also have Evander Holyfield and Kelvin Pritchett from the Lions due here, but they're not here yet, huh? [Tim looks at his watch]
Sean Jones: Well, I've been waiting since 7 o'clock in the rain. Where are those guys?
Tim: Why don't you tell Holyfield you're unhappy about it?
Sean Jones: Well, maybe I will. [Sean punches his hand]
Tim: [Tim looks impressed] This could be interesting, huh? Well, are you guys ready to get some serious building done? [Grunts] Ohh-ohh-arh-arh- [The others join in, quietly] -arh-arh-a-ha-ha-ha-aa-ha. Let's go take a look at Al's team, shall we? [Tim looks into the camera] Pff. Right.
[Cut to Al]
Al: Well, the first member of Team Al, I would like you to meet, is Tim's wife, Jill. [Al puts his arm round Jill's shoulder]
Jill: Hi, I'm very happy to be out here, working for such a worthy cause.
Al: Next, we have the reigning Miss America, Miss Kimberley Aiken.
Kimberley Aiken: Hi.
Al: Welcome aboard.
Kimberley Aiken: Thanks. [Tim approaches her]
Tim: Hi, Kimberley. Tim Taylor. Good to have you on.
Kimberley Aiken: Hello.
Tim: You wearing that crown under your hat there?
Kimberley Aiken: Yeah. And I have my evening gown on under my overall.
Tim: [Mumbling] Really. Jeez.
Jill: This here is Gwen Number One. She's been working on Habitat houses for, what, 10 years?
Gwen Number One: 10 years.
Jill: And this is Gwen Number Two. She is a professional plumber.
Al: And Denise, here, is a master electrician.
[Tim steps in front of the camera]
Tim: Well isn't that just dandy. This team can build a house; my team can bench-press a house.
Jill: Yeah. It would make it a lot easier to dust under it.
Tim: Yeah. Well, you've met the teams. Now we start building. So stay tuned.
["Tool Time" theme music]
Cut to Tim's Team, later.
[John Elway is pouring a hot drink. Tim approaches him. Eric Hipple is sitting on a hay-bale]
Tim: John, what are you doing?
John Elway: Having a little breakfast while we look at the plan. [John points at the plan. Tim stares at it]
[Tim turns to Eric Hipple]
Tim: Do I know you?
Eric Hipple: Eric Hipple. [Eric and Tim shake hands]
Tim: Eric Hipple! Quarterback for the Lions, yeah. Didn't recognize you. Not flat on your back!
[Eric laughs. So does John Elway]
Tim: Alright guys, let's get to work.
Kenny O'Brien: Hey, you're the Tool Man. What do you want us to do first?
Tim: Alright, we're gonna build the walls and then put them all up together, at the same time, alright?
[Bill bends over the plans]
Bill Pickel: Tim, it says here that we should put these walls up as we build them. [Tim comes over and looks at the plans]
Eric Hipple: Yeah, that way we know if it fits.
John Elway: Eric's right, Tim. I think we should stick to the plan.
Tim: Huh. [Tim pats Bill on the shoulder] John, you're a quarterback. You know you don't always stick with the plans, okay?
John Elway: Yeah, but we're not playing football, we're building a house.
Tim: Alright. I'm gonna say this once. You guys know how to tackle. I know how a spackle. Alright? C'mon. Let's get to work. Hey, Holyfield.
[Tim walks over to Evander Holyfield who is sitting down eating a doughnut]
Tim: Evander, give me the doughnut. [Tim holds out his hand. Evander looks at Tim]
Evander Holyfield: I don't think so, Tim. [Short pause]
[Tim looks around and sees Kelvin Pritchett arrive]
Tim: Kelvin, where've you been?
Kelvin Pritchett: Tim, you gave me wrong directions.
Tim: You should have checked them twice, right Evander?
Evander Holyfield: Hey, you gave me wrong directions too. [Evander stands up]
Tim: Did I?
Evander Holyfield: Yeah. [To Kelvin] Let's take a walk. [Evander and Kelvin start to walk off]
Tim: Wait a minute. Do I jump in the ring and tell you how to box? [Evander gives Tim a hard stare. Tim backs away] Not like I would. Why don't we build that house. [Evander nods] Nice looking shirt.
Cut to Al's Team, later
[Music "This is the House that Jack Built" with the "Tool Time" theme music over the beginning. Al's Team are assembling and putting up the walls. As is Tim's Team but they aren't co-operating so things keep falling over. Eric Hipple writes in the concrete Tim is trying to smooth. Al's Team is getting on with the job efficiently]
Cut to the family room, that evening.
[Randy is sitting on the couch, Mark is sitting in an armchair. Brad enters and runs over to Randy]
Brad: Hey Randy, great news. Ashley loved the locket. She's crazy about me.
Randy: Alriiight.
Brad: Y'know, this girl thing is pretty easy. Just gotta keep finding jewelry in the street. [Short pause. Randy nods meaning "Yeah, right." Jill enters from the garage]
Jill: Hi guys. [Tim enters behind Jill]
Tim: Hi boys.
Randy: Hey.
Brad & Mark: Hi.
Jill: Oh Tim, you were absolutely right. Couples shouldn't work together. If I were on your team, I'd be way behind too. [Jill and Tim hang up their coats. Short pause]
Tim: We're not way behind. We're pacing ourselves. [Tim walks into the kitchen] And, why do you turn everything into a competition? [Tim gets a beer out of the refrigerator]
Jill: I don't know, I just can't help it. I guess it's just my oestrogen-pumping, bone-crunching feminine side. [Short pause]
Randy: Sounds like mom's kicking your butt. [Tim looks uncomfortable]
Jill: Yeah, with Al and a team of girls!
Mark: You're losing to girls? [Short pause]
Tim: [Tim holds up his hand] I wouldn't consider Miss America a girl. She's almost professional. I heard in a talent competition she put up dry-wall. [Tim drinks from his bottle of beer. Jill laughs] And I'd be doing a lot better if I wasn't stuck with a bunch of light-weight wimps. [Tim walks upstairs. Marie knocks on the garden door]
Jill: Hey guys, can you let Marie in?
Mark: Okay. [Mark gets up and lets Marie in] Hi Marie.
Jill: Hi Marie.
Brad & Randy: Hi Mrs. Morton.
Marie: Jill, I'm so upset. I lost my locket.
[Randy and Brad exchange looks]
Jill: That gold one that you were wearing yesterday?
[Marie walks over to Jill at the kitchen counter]
Marie: Yeah, y'know my grandmother gave that to me when I was a little girl. I, I can't find it anywhere.
Jill: Oh, don't worry about it. We'll help you. These boys can find anything. [Short pause]
Randy: I know Brad can. [Brad turns to Randy and nudges him, then turns back to Jill and Marie and smiles]
[Commercial break]
Cut to the kitchen, later.
[Tim is on the phone, pacing back and forth]
Tim: Look Elway, I saw you goofing around today and I'm not gonna put up with this stuff. [Short pause] What? Yes I'd say this to your face. I might not be yelling this loud. [Short pause. Jill walks in wearing her dressing gown] No you can't be traded to Al's Team. [Short pause. Jill starts making a pot of tea] Tomorrow I expect you lifting something heavier than a jelly doughnut. [Short pause] Yeah. And why don't you tell that to your little friend Holyfield too. [Short pause] Actually, I'd prefer if you tell it. [Short pause] Right. Okay. Bye John.
[Jill slams down the teapot lid and Tim jumps. Tim hangs up the phone]
Tim: Ogh.
Jill: Getting a little panicky, Tim?
[Tim walks over to Jill]
Tim: Not panicking. The guys just need a little motivation.
Jill: What you guys need is some women. [Tim thinks this over]
Tim: They build this house right and I'll get them all the women they want.
Jill: You had your chance to get me on your team and you blew it.
Tim: Alright, alright. You wanna be on the team, tomorrow you can be on the team. You might as well just bring that one who does the plumbing and that other gal who does the roof with you too. [Short pause]
Jill: So you're ready to admit that when it comes to building a house, women are as good as men?
Tim: Why do you make everything into a competition? [Tim notices that both he and Jill are stirring their teabags up and down, so he starts stirring round and round. Short pause] You should be more like me. I, I thinks everybody's equal.
Jill: Since when?!
Tim: I've always felt that way. Men are in everyway as equal to women. And women are in everyway as [Coughs] to men. [Jill looks at him. Short pause]
Jill: Well, all I've got to say, Tim, is my team of women is beating the [Cough, cough] out of your team of men. [Jill walks upstairs]
[Tim makes a nah-nah-nah-nah-nah face. Brad approaches cautiously]
Brad: Dad, I need to talk to you.
Tim: What about?
Brad: Phuh. Alright. Er, what if you found something in an alley, gave it to your girlfriend--
Tim: [Looks around] Shh! Your mom doesn't know about my girlfriend. [Short pause]
Brad: Dad
Tim: Alright. Keep going.
Brad: And then you found out it belonged to someone else and you had to get it back.
Tim: Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. You found something in the alley, you didn't bother to find out the owner of it, [Getting louder] and you gave it to your girlfriend?!
Brad: [Tentatively] Yeah? [Tim drinks from his tea]
Tim: Been there. [Short pause] You've gotta tell the truth. [Tim walks over to the couch]
Brad: The truth? [Brad follows Tim]
Tim: Yeah. Tell the truth. Everything else is a waste of time. Women'll see right through you [Tim sits down and turns on the TV] and make you pay.
Brad: How do you know, Dad?
Tim: Cuz I've paid. Oh God, have I paid.
Cut to the "Tool Time" Habitat site, the next day.
["Tool Time" theme music. Tim arrives in a truck. The others are busy working on the house]
John Elway: Hey Tim! Where've you been? We've been working out here for hours in the rain.
Tim: Oh, it's intermittent, John. I was out buying an exhaust fan.
Evander Holyfield: We already have an exhaust fan.
Tim: Not like this. This baby'll suck the air out of a blimp! [John carries the fan to the house] [To Evander] Is that all the work you got done since I've been gone?
Evander Holyfield: Yeah, you got a problem with that, Tool Man?
Tim: [Looks Evander up and down and notices his shirt] That's cotton isn't it? It says cotton right on it. Very nice.
John Elway: We're doing the best we can considering our captain spends all the time shopping.
Tim: This is all necessary equipment, right Howard?
Howard: No it isn't, Tim. And now they're way ahead of us. [Howard points towards Al's Team]
Tim: [Grunting] Oh-no! [Tim walks towards Al's Team. Jill is painting a window frame from the inside of their house]
Jill: Hey, Mr. Macho! Enjoying the rain?
Tim: Ha, it-it's intermittent. A-and for your information, we're way ahead over here.
Jill: [Laughing] Yeah, right! By the time you get your siding up, we'll be done and the owner will be getting junk mail!
[Tim turns away but sees Wilson putting up the fence between the houses. The plank is hiding his face]
Wilson: Well, hidy-ho good samaritan Tim!
Tim: Wilson?! What are you doing over there?
Wilson: Well, Jill told me about the project and asked me if I could help.
Tim: Well, if y- if you wanted to help, why didn't you join my Team?
Wilson: Well Tim, aren't we all on the same team?
Tim: No, and your Team seems to be winning.
Wilson: Well Tim, this isn't a question of winning or losing. Perhaps you're familiar with the great German philosopher, Immanuel Kant. He said, "Idee zu einer allgemeinen Geschichte in weltbürgerlicher Absicht." [Wilson's pronounciation of this isn't very good]
Tim: Ain't that the truth.
Wilson: Well Tim, all he's saying is, "the important part of generosity is generosity of spirit."
Tim: [Grunting] Oh-yeah! You've gotta have spirit, huh. [Wilson laughes]
Jill: [Calls out of window] Wilson! What are you doing out there?
[Wilson turns to face Jill]
Wilson: Well, I was just explaining to your husband the meaning of benevolence.
Jill: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put a cork in it! Get back to work!
[Short pause]
Tim: [To Wilson] Why don't you go tell her what you just told me?
Wilson: [Calls to Jill] Jill! "Idee zu einer..."
Cut to the family room, that afternoon.
[Brad and Ashley are sitting on the couch watching TV. Brad is building up to asking Ashley about the locket. Brad switches off the TV. Ashley turns to look at Brad]
Brad: Um, Ashley, huh? About the locket. Would it be alright if I took it back and, er, got something even nicer?
Ashley: Like what?
Brad: Um, how about a- bicycle reflector? [Ashley looks at Brad]
[Jill enters from the garage]
Jill: Hi Brad. Hi Ashley. [Ashley gets up]
Ashley: Oh, hi Mrs. Taylor. Look what--
[Brad quickly jumps up and puts his arms around Ashley]
Brad: Oh-ho-huh.
Ashley: Brad!! [Brad pats Ashley's back] What are you doing?
Brad: Er, you looked like you needed a hug! Hu-huh!
[Ashley hugs Brad back]
Ashley: Oh! That's so sensitive.
Jill: Brad's always been the sensitive one of the family. [Short pause] Try not to be so sensitive! Okay? [Brad releases Ashley and they sit down] Oh, gosh! [Jill takes her coat off] I am so sore. But not as sore as your father! [Jill hangs up her coat and goes upstairs]
Brad: Um, come on Ashley. [Brad and Ashley get up and Brad leads her towards the front door] I'll walk you home, and, um, we can talk about what else I can get you, y'know, some other time, huh?
[The doorbell rings. Brad opens the door and sees Marie]
Marie: Hi Brad--
[Brad quickly shuts the door again and takes Ashley to the side door. The doorbell rings just as Ashley is going through the side door. Ashley puts on her coat]
Jill: [Calling from upstairs] Brad! Get the door!
Brad: [Calls back to Jill] Okay! [To Ashley] Uh, I'll meet you at the backyard.
Ashley: Okay.
[Brad shuts the side door and runs to the front door and opens it]
Marie: Nice greeting. [Marie comes in. Jill comes downstairs]
Jill: Hi Marie. [Brad closes the front door]
Marie: Hi Jill. Er, do you guys have a staple gun? I wanna put up the flyers about the locket I lost. [Marie shows Brad and Jill the flyers]
[Ashley knocks on the garden door]
Jill: Why is Ashley in the backyard? [Brad looks at Ashley. Short pause]
Brad: Uh, she doesn't have one. Er, so I said she could use ours?
[Brad waves at Ashley and she waves back, looking confused]
Jill: Brad! What is going on here?
Brad: Er, nothing. [Short pause] Um, I think I saw the staple gun in the garage.
Jill: Right.
Brad: Yeah.
Jill: I'll go get it. [Brad gets his coat. Jill goes to the garage and Marie follows her. Tim walks in from the garage. Brad rushes to the garden door]
Jill: [To Tim] Hey, butthead!
Tim: [Looks at Jill. Short pause] Hi Marie.
Marie: Hi Tim. [Jill and Marie go into the garage]
[Marie shuts the garage door]
Tim: Brad, Brad! Well, how did it go with your girlfriend?
Brad: Er, -I think I'm almost out of the woods.
Tim: Oh, how many times I said those words. [Tim takes off his jacket. Ashley comes in holding the locket]
Ashley: Brad, look what happened. The chain on my locket broke.
Tim: Let me take a look at that, Ashley. [Ashley gives Tim the locket] It's nothing. I can fix that with my needle-nose pliers in the garage. [Tim walks towards the garage]
Brad: Er, no, Dad! Don't go in the garage. [Brad catches up with Tim]
Tim: Why not? [Marie and Jill come out of the garage]
Marie: Oh Tim! Oh, you've found my locket!
Tim: No, this is Ashley's. I'm just fixing the thing for her.
Ashley: Yeah, that's my locket. Brad gave it to me.
Tim: Yeah.
Marie: Oh, no, no, honey. My grandmother gave me this locket.
Tim: Oh. [Brad looks uneasy] Oh, looks like somebody here didn't tell the truth! [Tim looks down on Brad]
Ashley: Brad!
Marie: Brad!
Jill: Tim! [Short pause. Tim shakes his head and holds up his hand]
Tim: Don't look at me. I told him to tell the truth! [Tim looks at Brad]
Brad: Well, I guess I'm gonna have to pay, huh, Dad?
Tim: Oh God, are you gonna pay!
Cut to the "Tool Time" Habitat site, the next day.
["Tool Time" theme music. Tim approaches the camera. Al's finished house is behind him]
Tim: Well, the tension is mounting at this Habitat site. We're waiting for the final inspection. [Tim turns towards Al's house] Oh, there's the Inspector now. Just looked at Al's house, and, judging by the look on his face, he's not too happy. [To the cameraman] Larry, go on in there so you can see what they're saying.
[Jill, Al and the Inspector come out of the house and stand on the porch. The camera zooms in on them. The Inspector signs the form he's carrying and turns to Jill and Al]
Inspector: Al, Jill, you did an exceptional job. In fact, I think you built the perfect house. [The Inspector shakes Al's and Jill's hand]
Al: Thank you, Inspector.
Jill: Thank yoou. [Jill, Al and the Inspector step down from the porch. As Jill passes Tim] Mm-mm-MM-MM-mm. [The "I scored this one" hum]
Tim: [To the camera] Well, y'know, Inspectors are overly polite sometimes. They appreciate hard work. And after we come back, we're gonna see the Tim Taylor -hoh- "more" perfect house. [Tim breathes on his knuckles and buffs them on his jacket]
Cut to the "Tool Time" Habitat site, Tim's house.
["Tool Time" theme music. Jill runs after Tim]
Jill: Oh Tim! Looks like our house is gonna be pretty hard to beat!
Tim: Jill! This isn't a competition.
Jill: I know it's not.
Tim: You're darn right it's not. [To John Elway] Elway, come on. Let's go bask in our glory. [John follows Tim to the house]
Stage Manager: Okay guys, let's get ready. Stand by! In, 5...4...3...2...
[Cut to static. Cut to Tim. "Tool Time" theme music]
Tim: Welcome back! And now the moment we've all been waiting for! A little gander at my house. C'mon in. Inspector, I think you're gonna be remarkably impressed with the quality of workmanship. [Tim knocks off the top of the stair's banister which he throws to John Elway. The Inspector checks the porch light] Let's go in. [The Inspector pulls the door knob and it comes off] Door knobs were [To the camera] Elway's department.
[The Inspector, Tim, Al, Jill, and John Elway enter the house]
[Cut to the hall]
Inspector: [Pointing at the ceiling] This is very nice.
Tim: Thank you.
Inspector: Hey, I like the archway.
Tim: Well, we, um, we didn't, er, go by just the plans. We actually made some improvements in the house on our own. Wait till you see the kitchen.
Inspector: Um-hmm.
[They enter the kitchen]
Tim: Come on in. [The Inspector checks the cupboards] Those upper cabinets are equipped with fully-concealed adjustable hinges. And we installed a reverse-osmosis water filtration system. [The Inspector turns on the taps but nothing come out. They just creak. Short pause] Should never have put Holyfield in charge of plumbing. Oh, but look at the rest of the house. The kitchen needs a little work, but c'mon this way. Look at this bathroom here, huh? [The Inspector checks the light] Yeah, that's nice. That's great.
[Cut to a passage. The Inspector is standing in the middle of the passage. Tim comes up to him]
Tim: You've gotta try our new exhaust fan, though. At least try that. First switch here. [Tim points at the switch on the wall] Custom <?>. [The Inspector switches on the fan and it sucks his hat up into the vent. Tim looks embarrassed. The Inspector just stands there and switches off the fan] Um, er, the living room. It's our pride and joy. Try that. I'll try to find that hat!
Cut to (the Taylor) family room, the next day.
[Jill is sitting on the couch reading a magazine. Tim enters carrying an envelope]
Tim: Jill, guess what I got.
Jill: A video from President Carter.
Tim: Good guess.
Jill: His office called to see if we got it.
Tim: We did. This is great. It's his thank you or something. [Tim puts the tape in the VCR] Let's watch. [Tim sits next to Jill on the couch. Jimmy Carter comes on the TV screen]
Jimmy Carter: [On the TV] Hi Tim, Al, and Jill. I'd like to thank you for your participation in our Habitat for Humanity housing blitz.
Tim: You're welcome.
Jimmy Carter: [On the TV] Al and Jill, the house you built is a perfect example of what can happen when caring people band together for a common goal. [Tim pats Jill on the shoulder] And Tim, what can I say? [Tim looks disappointed. Jill tries not to laugh] Crews are working round the clock to repair the house you built. [Tim looks ashamed] Oh yeah, Rosa would like a picture of Al.
Tim: Let's tape over this.
[Jill takes the remote from Tim]
[Outtakes from the inspection of Tim's house. The Inspector stands in the middle of the passage. Tim approaches the Inspector. Al and John Elway stand behind]
Tim: Wait, wait, wait. Try our special exhaust fan. Right here. [Tim points to the switch on the wall and the Inspector switches it on. There is a delay, then the Inspector's hat is sucked up. Tim, Al, and John start laughing. The Inspector switches off the switch and stands there]
[Beep. Cut.]
Tim: [Laughing] Okay. Wait [Laughs]
[Tim and the Inspector look up at the vent]

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