Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

Reality Bytes

Episode No# 069
Written by:
Matthew Miller, Barrie Nedler
Directed by:
Peter Filsinger
Transcript by:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Guest Cast
Heidi - Debbe Dunning
Molly Lauden - Joanna Daniels
Colonel Richard O. Covey - Himself
Lt. Commander Kenneth D. Bowersox - Himself
Dr. Story Musgrave - Himself
Mr. Claude Nicollier - Himself
Dr. Jeffrey Hoffman - Himself
Lt. Colonel Thomas Akers - Himself
Episode begins at the "Tool Time" studio. Tim and Al are standing behind the bench, which is covered with tools.
Tim: It's Specialty Tool Week here on "Tool Time." We're doing our salute [Tim and Al salute] to salutes. [Tim keeps saluting, each one getting more exaggerated]
Al: Tim. [Tim salutes at Al] Could we?
Tim: [Saluting with each word] We bet we could, bulla. [Tim stops saluting] Actually we're doing our salute to Binford's new line of tools just for the ladies.
Al: That's right. Like this: [Al picks up a tool] Binford's lighweight Lady Binford drill. It's 30% lighter, which every woman likes in a tool.
Tim: As well as herself! Well, these tools are fine if you've got room at home, but what about the woman that's out on a formal affair?
Al: Ah well, for that we recommend Binford's Gal-on-the-go evening bag. Heidi! [Heidi enters, wearing an evening dress and with a purse over her shoulder. Music plays. Tim and Al walk over to Heidi. Heidi shows off the purse]
Audience: Ooooo! [Tim holds up his hand]
Tim: As you can see, sequins on the outside, [Heidi opens the purse to reveal a set of tools] tools on the inside.
Al: Broken heel? Not a problem. You have a small hammer with nails. [Heidi takes the hammer out of the purse and taps her shoe] Problem zipper? Not a problem. You have a set of pliers. [Heidi takes some pliers out of the purse]
Tim: Unsightly nose hair? Not a problem. [Tim takes the pliers from Heidi] Needle nose pliers. [Tim plucks hair from his nostrils] Aw, dink. Let's face it ladies, you have an unsightly nose hair problem, you're not invited out to many formal affairs anyway. [Tim hands the pliers back to Heidi] Thank you Heidi.
Heidi: Thank you Tim. [Heidi closes the purse and leaves. Tim and Al return to the bench]
Tim: And what about the woman that's not too good with tools in general? For that we recommend the "Tool Man in a Tote." [Tim reaches under the bench and brings out a bag. He takes an inflatable tool man out of the bag] One quick pull. [Tim pulls the cord and the tool man inflates]
[Opening credits]
Cut to Randy and Mark's room.
[Randy is using his computer. Brad enters]
Brad: Hey Randy. D'you want to play some catch? [Brad throws a ball into the air and catches it in his baseball glove]
Randy: No, I can't. I'm doing my homework. [Brad comes over to the computer and reads from the screen]
Brad: "Dear Molly." [Randy stands up and pushes Brad away]
Randy: Hey, get out of here. I don't want you reading my homework.
Brad: Tsk. Doesn't look like homework to me. [Brad forces his way over to the computer and sits down]
Randy: C'mon.
Brad: [Reading from the screen] "When I think of kissing you my heart beats like a symphony."
Randy: Hmm, hmm. It's for music class.
Brad: Oh yeah? Then who's Molly?
Randy: Well, that shows how much you know. Molly is a musical instrument!
Brad: You know what I think? [Brad stands up and Randy sits down again. Brad sits on a desk] I think you've got a new girlfriend. Who is she?
Randy: Will you promise not to tell anyone?
Brad: She's that ugly?
Randy: I don't know what she looks like. We've been sending love letters back and forth through the singles bulletin board on the computer.
Brad: So when are you gonna meet her?
Randy: Never. [Smuggly] She's 25.
Brad: [Impressed] No way. Why would a 25-year old girl be interested in you?
Randy: Because she thinks I'm a 32-year old dermatologist.
Brad: And, um, where did she get that idea?
Randy: That's what I told her. I also told her I'm 6-4 and drive a Ferrari.
Brad: Hm. Wait till she finds out you're 4-6 and peddle a Schwinn.
Randy: Well, that's the beauty of this. She's never gonna find out; she lives in St. Louis. [Randy takes a letter off his desk. Brad comes over to him]
Brad: What's that?
Randy: It's one of Dad's old love letters he wrote to Mom. They go over really great. [Reading the letter] "My darling, I wish you had been here this weekend to share one of the most exciting moments of my life: two for one day at Sears."
Cut to the kitchen, a little later.
[Tim and Jill are in the kitchen, unpacking shopping. Mark enters]
Mark: Mom, do we have any styrofoam balls?
Jill: No.
Tim: Just make him some of your meatballs.
Jill: Very funny. Ha ha ha. Sorry Mark. Er, closest thing I've got to styrofoam are these rice cakes.
Mark: They have to be spheres.
Jill: Sorry. [Jill hands the rice cakes to Tim to put away]
Mark: I'm making a solar system for my science project.
Tim: Science project? Y'know I helped Randy make that [Mark gets himself a drink from the fridge] volcano.
Mark: He got a D.
Jill: [Mark looks at Jill] Tim, I think that Mark is smart enough to handle this project by himself.
Tim: [Mark looks at Tim] Jill, I think it would be a lot more fun if we did it together.
Jill: [Mark looks at Jill] I don't want you taking over it.
Tim: [Mark looks at Tim] There's nothing wrong with a father helping a son with his science project. My father helped me.
Jill: That was for the safety of the neighborhood. Mark is never gonna learn anything if he doesn't do his own work.
Mark: That's right Dad.
Tim: You stay out of this. This is between your mother and me.
Jill: Tim!
Tim: O.K. I'll just watch. I'll guide him. [Jill leaves] What've you got planned for that solar system?
Mark: [Mark shows Tim his plans] Well, the plan was to hang a bunch of styrofoam balls on wires.
Tim: You can't just hang them on wires. [Tim takes the plans from Mark] First you've gotta get the right proportions for the planets, that's, oh, then you've gotta get the right distance from the sun. That is perfect there. [Mark looks at Tim]
Mark: Dad, I thought you were just gonna watch.
Tim: I am; I'm just telling you what I wanna see.
Cut to the backyard, a little later.
[Mark is sitting at a table, with the solar system plans. Tim comes over with a tray of styrofoam balls]
Tim: Alright. Mark, here's the stryofoam balls for the planets.
Mark: Dad, there's not that many planets.
Tim: Sure there are. Neptune, Jupiter, Saturn, Mars, Venus, Earth, Mercury, Ford, Chevy, Volvo, [Tim picks out a small ball] Yugo? That planet was destroyed. [Tim tosses the ball away]
Mark: I guess I'm ready to paint the planets. [Tim sets a ball in front of Mark. Mark dips a paint brush in a tin of paint]
Tim: Alright, this is a real tricky part. You've gotta make sure the pigment is evenly distributed over the surface [Mark dabs some paint on the ball] of the, evenly, [Mark continues to dab. Tim is itching to take over] alright, you know. [Tim makes swirling motions with his hand, then takes the brush from Mark] Alright, ah, good. It's your project. You move onto something more important and I'll try to even this out. [Tim starts painting]
Mark: What should I do?
Tim: Bend the wires for the orbits. [Marks gets out of his chair and takes a coathanger off the table]
Mark: O.K. [Mark starts straightening out the coathanger. Tim watches him]
Tim: Straight. That's, straighten it out. [Mark continues struggling with the wire] Straight. You've got. [Tim stretches over to Mark] Here, ya. [Tim takes the wire from Mark and bends it straight] You don't want to waste your time with this.
Mark: What should I do?
Tim: You want to monitor the air exiting the surface of the paint.
Mark: What does that mean?
Tim: Watch the paint dry. [Mark sits down, disappointed. The doorbell rings. Tim puts down the wire] Alright, I'll get it. Don't touch anything.
Cut to the living room.
[The doorbell rings again. Tim enters]
Tim: I'll get it. [Tim opens the door. Molly is standing there]
Molly: Hi!
Tim: Hi. [Molly sticks out her hand to shake Tim's]
Molly: I'm Molly. [Tim takes her hand]
Tim: Good golly. [Tim laughs. Jill comes downstairs. To Jill] This is Molly.
Molly: Er, and who are you?
Jill: I'm Tim's wife, Jill.
Molly: Who's Tim?
Jill: The man you're holding hands with. [Molly lets go of Tim's hand]
Molly: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were Randy. [Tim and Jill look at each other]
Tim: We have a 12-year old boy named Randy.
Molly: 12? No, the Randy Taylor I've been corresponding with over the computer is a dermatologist. [Jill looks blank]
Tim: Honey, has Randy been skipping the sixth grade and going to medical school again?
Jill: Are you sure you have the right house?
Molly: Yes. I even sent him software at this address.
Jill: Um, why don't you come in. I think I may know what's going on here. [Molly follows Jill to the living room] Um, what else did this [Tim shuts the door and follows them] Randy Taylor tell you about himself?
Molly: Er, just that he has two annoying brothers, his mother can't cook, and he has an accident prone father.
Tim: I'm glad I'm not in that family.
Jill: Tim, we are that family. Except for that cooking thing.
Molly :Oh, I can't believe I have been corresponding with a 12-year old.
Jill: Well he's very mature for his age.
Molly: Yeah, yeah, you're not kidding. His letters were very romantic, and funny. The only really strange thing was his obsession with Sears. [Tim looks around]
Tim: There's nothing wrong with that.
Molly: Y'know, he said my wit was as sharp as a radial arm saw, and he compared the glow of the moon to--
Jill: --the headlights of a 1957 Buick Roadmaster convertible?
Molly: How did you know that?
Jill: Tim wrote that to me in a letter.
Tim: I did? [Jill looks at Tim] That's good.
Jill: Randy's been copying your old love letters. Oh Molly, I am so sorry.
Molly: Nah, it's O.K. I was in town on business anyway. Besides, he's just a kid. I wouldn't be too hard on him.
Tim: Well you're not us.
Jill: We're parents. When our kids play doctor, we nail them for malpractice!
[Commercial break]
Cut to Randy and Mark's room, a little later.
[Randy sticks his head out the door]
Randy: Brad, get in here. [Brad enters and closes the door. Randy goes over to his computer] I got a new message from Molly in my mailbox.
Brad: What's it say? [Brad starts playing with a basketball]
Randy: "My darling Randy, I'm leaving on a business trip in a few minutes and I'll be in Detroit tomorrow. [Brad pulls a chair over to the computer and sits down] I thought I'd stop by your house at about 2 o'clock." [Brad and Randy stare at the screen]
Brad: Uh-oh. [Randy scrolls down the screen]
Randy: "I can't believe we're finally going to meet. Love Molly. P.S. I've also got a huge growth I want you to look at." Ugh. [Randy rubs his chest]
Brad: Randy, you've gotta write her back and stop her from coming.
Randy: It's too late. She's already left.
Brad: Then you'd better learn how to remove a growth real quick. [Randy stands up and paces around the room]
Randy: Oh man, I'm in big trouble. What am I gonna do?
Brad: Alright. [Brad stands up] How about this: Molly's never seen what you look like. So when she gets here, tell her Randy Taylor moved out and, er, we're the new owners.
Randy: O.K., O.K., that's pretty good. But what if Mom and Dad get to the door before I do?
Brad: Then you don't have anything to worry about. Cuz you'll be dead.
[The cut is a gravestone which reads "R.I.P., Randy Taylor, 1982 - 1994, He didn't get there in time"]
Cut to the kitchen.
[Jill is cooking. Randy comes downstairs]
Randy: Hey, er, Mom. Are you and Dad gonna be here tomorrow, say around 2 o'clock? [Jill starts setting the table]
Jill: Well let's see: Dad's gonna be at the office, then I was thinking about going shopping. They're having this sale at a boutique I really love.
Randy: Great. Fantastic. Best thing you can do. [Randy starts to go back upstairs]
Jill: Although, I don't know. [Randy comes back] I may just stay home. These sales are really a big pain in the butt. All these women elbowing each other out of the way just to save 40 cents on a bra.
Randy: Well, y'know, you should go shopping. You could use a new bra. [Jill looks at Randy]
Jill: Really? How would you know that?
Randy: [Pause] Dad told me. He also told me that last time you bought a bra it didn't look too good, so, uh, you should take your time and try them all on.
Jill: Y'know, I really don't think that your father should be talking about stuff like that with you.
Randy: Well, y'know, he seemed pretty disturbed by it. But I guarantee you, if you find the right bra, the problem will be solved. Good luck Mom. [Randy leaves]
Cut to the backyard, a little later.
[Tim is painting Mark's planets]
Tim: Well, I'm finished painting my sun. [Wilson is pruning a hedge]
Wilson: Mark, Randy or Brad?
Tim: Ooo, funny Wilson, funny.
Wilson: Well Tim, I just hope you get a better grade on Mark's solar system that you did on Randy's volcano.
Tim: Mark's been helping a lot. See this perfectly bent rod here? [Tim holds up the rod]
Wilson: Mark bent that?
Tim: No. I bent it, but he handed it to me.
Wilson: Y'know Tim, I'm reminded of an ancient Chinese proverb: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach a man how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.
Tim: If I let Mark do this all by himself he's gonna learn more than if I finish it myself.
Wilson: Very good, Tim. [Tim stands up]
Tim: But y'know, Chinese proverbs aren't gonna win any science fairs. Y'know, if I let Mark do it all by himself they'd be no craftsmanship, no attention to detail, y'know. And he's the son of the Toolman. What would people say?
Wilson: About Mark or about you? [Tim realizes he's beaten]
Tim: I get it, I get it. But there's one thing: if I let Mark do it all, I won't get to glue anything. [Mark enters]
Mark: Dad, I'm going over to Bobby's house. Tell me when I finish my science project. [Mark turns to leave]
Tim: Not so fast, not so fast. This is your science project. You're not getting off that easy. You're gonna do some of the work here. It's like that old Chinese proverb: you can teach a young fish to dance but once it gets really old, it sticks with you forever.
Cut to the "Tool Time" studio, the next day.
[Tim and Al are taping the show]
Tim: As you know, it's Specialty Tool Week here on "Tool Time."
Al: That's right. And we're gonna be showing you tools you won't necessarily find in your neighborhood hardware store.
Tim: As a matter of fact, these tools, you might have to go to outer space to find them. And to tell us a little bit about them, the men responsible for fixing the Hubble space telescope. They're here in Detroit judging the citywide science fair at the Detroit Science Center. Let's give a big "Tool Time" welcome to the astronauts, the crew of the Endeavour Space Shuttle. [Tim, Al and the audience applaud. The astronauts enter] I understood there was a woman on the crew.
Richard: That's right Tim. Kathy Thornton. But someone had to stay back at N.A.S.A. and do all the hard work. [Tim laughs]
Tim: Well let's meet mission commander Dick Covey. [Tim shakes his hand] How're you doing Sir?
Al: Well Dick supervised the entire servicing of the Hubble space telescope.
Tim: Well he's got to tell us, what's it like working with tools in outer space?
Richard: Well Tim, it's actually a lot like using tools here on Earth, except there's no gravity so you don't have to worry about dropping a tool on your foot.
Al: Sounds like the perfect working environment for you, Tim.
Richard: He's funny.
Tim: Yeah. A regular astro-nut.
Kenneth: Tim, it's pronounced astronaut.
Tim: Yeah, I know that. It was a little joke.
Kenneth: Oh sorry. I had no idea.
Al: Now this is Ken Bowersox. [Al shakes his hand] He's a Navy man, just like me. And his friends here nicknamed him Socks.
Tim: I suppose you got that nickname because up in space you never change your socks? Whew, boy. [Tim wafts in front of this face]
Kenneth: No Tim. They call me that because my last name is Bowersox.
Tim: Well, they could call you Bower.
Kenneth: They don't.
Tim: Payload commander, Story Musgrave. [Tim shakes his hand] Story, what's the story?
Story: Like I haven't heard that one a million times.
Tim: I hear you're a big fan of the show.
Story: Yes I am. But not as big a fan as my fellow space walker, Jeff Hoffman.
Tim: Hiya Jeff. [Tim shakes his hand] How're you doing?
Jeffrey: Hey Tim. Yeah, I have lots of friends and family out here and, er, we think you are the greatest.
Tim: Yeah. It's safe to see who my favorite astronaut is. [Grunting] Hoh-hoh-hoh.
Jeffrey: Hey y'know, on one of our spacewalks on the Hubble mission, we all let out a big Tim Taylor grunt.
Tim: [Grunts] No?
Jeffrey: Yes. I brought a tape.
Tim: You guys want to see the tape?
Audience: Yeah!
Tim: Heidi, the monitor please. [Heidi wheels in a TV]
Heidi: Here you are, Tim.
Tim: Thank you, Heidi.
Heidi: You're welcome.
Tim: Alright folks, the first grunt in space. [Tim starts the tape. The astronauts are working in space]
Astronaut 1: How's it coming?
Astronaut 2: Think we could rewire it? [Grunts] Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
Astronaut 1: That sounds like a good idea.
[Tim stops the tape. Heidi leaves with the TV]
Tim: You might say: one small [Grunts] uh for man, one big [Grunts] oh-oh-oh for mankind.
Tim & the astronauts: [Grunting] Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
Al: Well next we have flight engineer Claude Nicollier. [Al shakes his hand] He's all the way here from Switzerland and he was one of two astronomers on the crew.
Tim: Ah Claude, my son is doing a science fair project right now. Any, any advice for him?
Claude: Well, sun in the middle.
Tim: Right.
Claude: Nine planets.
Tim: Aha.
Claude: But don't let your father help you. [Al cracks up, laughing]
Al: Alright, but last, surely not least, we have Tom Akers. [Al shakes his hand] And he was the Hubble tool specialist.
Thomas: And I've brought along some of the tools that we used to work on the Hubble space telescope. [A bench is wheeled over, covered with the tools]
Tim: Cool! Wow! Tools from space. [Tim picks up a tool] What I wouldn't give to have one of these on my shop wall. [Tim starts turning the end of the tool]
Thomas: That's a three-eighth inch drive McTether ratchet.
Tim: They use this for playing a bit of tether ball in space. [Tim starts swinging the ratchet like a racket. The astronauts just look at Tim. Tim puts the ratchet down]
Thomas: And next we have a- hey, where's my power tool with the adjustable extension? [Tim scratches behind his ear. The astronauts look under the bench]
Tim: You guys probably forgot to bring it.
Al: No, I, I saw you working with it earlier, Tim.
Tim: I wasn't working with it earlier.
Al: Yes you were.
Tim: No I wasn't. [Heidi enters with the tool]
Heidi: Tim, Tim, is this what you're looking for?
Tim: Oh that! [Tim takes the tool from Heidi] Yes, is this it?
Thomas: That's it.
Al: Heidi, where'd you find that?
Tim: Doesn't matter where she found it. She found it.
Heidi: It was in Tim's locker. [Al and the astronauts look at Tim. Tim puts the tool on the bench]
Tim: I, you see I, [Tim clears his throat] I was, I was gonna bring it back, y'know. It was just a weak, I though maybe, whoo.
Richard: Taylor, we're gonna need this back too. [Richard takes a tool out of Tim's pocket]
Tim: How did that get in there? [The "Tool Time" theme music plays] We'll be right back after these messages from Binford.
Cut to the living room, 2 o'clock.
[The doorbell rings. Randy answers it. Molly is at the door]
Molly: Hi.
Randy: Hi. Can I help you?
Molly: I'm looking for Randy Taylor.
Randy: There's no Randy Taylor here.
Molly: And who are you?
Randy: A kid.
Molly: Strange. Doctor Taylor's gotta be here because I just sent him something to this address.
Randy: Er, he moved out yesterday and we moved in today. Bye. [Randy tries to shut the door, but Molly stops him and enters]
Molly: I don't see any moving boxes. [Molly shuts the door]
Randy: Well, er, we're a circus family. We unpack fast. [Molly goes over to the table]
Molly: Did Doctor Taylor leave a forwarding address?
Randy: Er no. But he mentioned joining the Peace Corps in China.
Molly: It seems very strange.
Randy: Well, not really. They're having a big acne epidemic in Beijing. [Jill enters from the garage]
Jill: Hi Randy, I'm back.
Molly: Randy?
Randy: She means Andy. I'm Andy, I.
Jill: Hi. Who's this?
Molly: I'm Molly Lauden. I was looking for Randy Taylor.
Jill: Well, this is Randy Taylor.
Randy: Randy, Andy, Candy, Sandy, I answer to anything.
Molly: Now this is really weird becasue I have been getting love letters from a Randy Taylor but he's much older than you. He says he loves me almost as much as his cast iron scroll saw.
Jill: Wait a minute. Cast iron scoll saw? Well, I think I know what's going on here.
Randy: You do?
Jill: My husband always used to write about a cast iron scroll saw in all of his love letters to me. He must be writing you love letters and then just signing our son's name. [Randy looks uncomfortable]
Molly: He never told me that he was married. But it doesn't matter because I love him and he loves me.
Jill: I should have seen this coming when he started hating [Jill sits down] my bras.
Randy: Mom, you don't understand. [Tim enters through the front door]
Tim: Hi honey.
Jill: Don't "hi honey" me, you two-timing tool twit. [Tim comes over and stands next to Molly]
Tim: What did I do? [Molly strokes Tim's arm]
Molly: You don't have to play dumb. Your wife knows all about us.
Tim: Us?
Jill: You can just take your tools and move in with Molly.
Randy: No Mom.
Tim: Who's Molly?
Molly: I am! Now kiss me like you said you would in your letter.
Tim: I don't know what I said, but what the heck!
Randy: Hey Dad, stop!
Tim: It's none of your business, mind your own business. [Tim and Molly prepare to kiss]
Randy: Look, I'm the one who wrote the letter. I used your old love letters. I was just trying to have a little fun.
Tim: Are you having fun now?
Randy: Not particularly.
Jill: The jig's up Doctor Taylor.
Randy: You guys set me up! You knew about this all along.
Tim: That's right, Doc.
Randy: I can't believe I was out-smarted by my parents.
Cut to the backyard, later.
[Mark has finished his solar system model. Tim enters]
Tim: Mark, how'd the science project go?
Mark: Great. I got an A.
Tim: Congratulations! Did you get to use the modification you put in?
Mark: My teacher wouldn't let me. She thought it was your idea.
Tim: What?
Wilson: Well hidy ho neighbors. Oh Mark, that is quite a solar system.
Mark: Thank you.
Tim: You've gotta see the super orbital part of it. He used one of my little motors. Show him. [Mark switches it on. The planets rotate, slowly]
Wilson: [Laughing] Oh, that is very impressive.
Tim: Wait a minute. You haven't seen warp speed yet. Try that one. [Mark presses the button. The planets rotate a lot faster - and fly off the wires. Tim, Mark and Wilson duck]
Mark: Aahh! [Tin switches it off] Uh-oh.
Tim: Chip off the old block. [Grunts] Uh-uh-uh.
Cut to the "Tool Time" studio.
[The astronauts are there, with a plaque]
Richard: Er, we would like to present, er, to the cast and crew of Home Improvement, er, a flag and a patch and some pictures. The flag and patch flew on our mission to the Hubble space telescope. It's travelled about 4 million ma-miles, and, er.
Thomas: Lots of power.
Richard: Yeah, more power. Tim, if you could. [Richard presents the plaque to Tim]

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