Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

Back in the Saddle Shoes Again

Episode No# 075
Written by:
Bruce Ferber
Directed by:
Andy Cadiff
Transcript by:
Corrections should be sent to:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Guest Cast
Heidi - Debbe Dunning
Marie Morton - Mariangela Pino
Episode begins on the "Tool Time" set.
Tim: Hey folks. Don't you weep, don't you bawl. Today we're working dry wall. [To Al] Right All.
Al: You have to forgive Tim. His sense of humour's a little off the dry wall.
Tim: Today we're going to show you how to tape the joints of your wall board together.
Al: That's right. Taping technique is critical. An inferior job can result in unsightly lumps and bulges.
Tim: Kind of makes you wonder who taped up Al.
Al: Well there are many mechanical tools used in dry-walling. I like to use the Binford 6100 Wet Tape Banjo.
Tim: With the Wet Tape Banjo, you can apply your tape and your mixture in one swipe - as well as doing a good rendition of "Oh Suzanna". [Sings] Oh, Suzanna, don't you cry for me...
Al: As you can see, ...
Tim: ...came from Alabama with a banjo on my knee...
Al: I've loaded my banjo with quality premixed compound available in any hardware store. [Tim dances about using the Wet Tape Banjo like an electric guitar]
Tim: You don't have to buy it premixed. You can mix it yourself if you want. It's three parts Calcium Carbonate, two parts Mica, a little galliano, a little vodka and your got a Harvey Dry-wallbanger.
Al: Well, as I'm sure Tim realises, if you are going to mix your own compound, you have to exactly sure of its consistency.
Tim: I'll put my banjo up against anybody's.
Al: Would that be a challenge, Tim? [Tim picks up his banjo, then one of the gloves off the bench with which he slaps Al across the face]
Tim: You ready to duel, fool? [Tim and Al approach the dry-wall] Klaus! [The sound of "Duelling Banjos" starts. A competition ensues in which Al manages to dry-wall successfully and Tim has great difficulty and ends up pulling the tapes off which Al has secured.]
[Opening credits]
The Garage
[Tim and Mark are polishing the "2L TIME" blue hotrod]
Mark: Dad, the hotrod looks really great.
Tim: Yeah, thanks. Except for one thing. I was staring at it a little while yesterday.
Mark: A little while?
Tim: Eight hours. Alright. You know what it needs is an original '33 hood ornament. I'm waiting for this guy to call [the phone rings] Yoh, this could be it. Keep waxing. [Runs into the kitchen to answer the telephone] Deke! ... Oh, hi Ashley...[Brad comes in from the garden] No Brad's not here, he's out buying you a big gift. [hangs up the phone]
Brad: Dad, why'd you tell her that?
Tim: Cuz I'm waiting for an emergency call for a hood ornament. I want to keep the lines clear.
Brad: So now I have to buy Ashley a present.
Tim: No, now you have to buy Ashley a BIG present.
Jill: [Enters the garage from outside, slams the door and mutters to herself as she passes the hotrod.] ...beyond belief.
Tim: Well, hi. Good day at work?
Jill: Tim, I feel like I'm about to explode.
Tim: Don't do it in here, we just waxed.
Jill: Remember I told you about that big meeting I had with my boss today? You know, and I was expecting a raise and a promotion. She laid me off!
Tim: What?
Jill: Yeah. I got two weeks severance pay and a farewell cake. Like a cake is going to make me feel better.
Brad: Well, did you bring the cake home?
Tim: Did it have nuts on it?
Jill: For your information, it was a triple chocolate fudge and I was so depressed that I polished the rest of it off in the car on the way home. Now I need a little sensitivity...and a thighmaster.
Tim: Well, you came to the House of Sensitivity. Right guys?
Brad: Is this gonna affect my allowance?
Jill: It will now.
Tim: [To Brad] Stay off the phone. Tell me what happened. I mean, business bad down there? Did they lay everybody off?
Jill: Oh, no, no. Just me. They didn't lay off Becky.
Tim: The pretty one?
Jill: Yeah, yeah, the pretty one. The one with the Harvard degree and the pair of P.H. double D's.
Tim: [Grunts] Yeah, yeah, bright girl.
Jill: Thanks.
Tim: Jill, come on, come on, come on. I'm sorry about your job. I know what it meant to you. I really do. Want a shoulder to cry on? Pick one. [Jill drops the things she's holding and throws her arms around Tim's neck]
Jill: I gave them two years of my life. [The phone rings. Tim reacts to it.] Two years of total dedication. [Tim moves gently backwards towards the phone whilst still hugging Jill]
Tim: Yeah.
Jill: The writer, the editors. They all said that they like me the best.
Tim: Yeah.
Jill: I had such a nice desk.
Tim: Oh, yeah, yeah. [Turns and answers the phone] Hello.
Jill: Tim, I was talking to you.
Tim: [To the phone] Well hold on a sec. [To Jill] Maybe one of the kids got in an accident.
Jill: I thought that they were all home.
Tim: Well, most of the accidents take place in the home. [To the phone] Hey, hey, Deke. What are you doin'? ... Ah, hold on a second. [To Jill] Thank God, the kids are OK. [To phone] Yes! Well, alright. OK, call me anytime. Day or night. I'm here. Thank you buddy. Thanks. Bye. [Hangs up the phone] Great news. Deke thinks he knows a guy that knows a guy that can get my hood ornament.
Jill: Yea, Deke!
Tim: Come on! Deke's a great guy. He's got connections everywhere.
Jill: Maybe he knows a guy who knows a guy who can find me a job?
Tim: Well, I think we shouldn't bother him, cuz right now he's looking for a hood ornament for me.
Living Room
[Jill and Marie are talking]
Marie: So, how you holdin' up?
Jill: Oh, OK I guess. Oh, I don't know. You ever wake up in the morning and feel like you just don't have a clue?
Marie: Every day. Oh, wait. That's not normal?
Jill: Want some orange juice?
Marie: Yeah, I'd love some.
Jill: I stayed up half the night trying to figure out what I should do now. What should I do, what should I do? You know the magazine business here is so tough, and I just don't know if I wanna do that any more, so do you know what I've been thinking? It's really a stupid idea.
Marie: What?
Jill: May not be that stupid. I mean, people my age have done it. Not that much, but it's not that it's impossible, I mean there's a lot to be said for it, and there's a lot to be said against it too. What do you think?
Marie: Well, I'm fifty-fifty on it myself. What are you talking about?
Jill: Oh, when I was in school, I really liked psychology. I thought that I might make a good therapist.
Marie: Oh. As someone who's been in therapy for ever, I think you'd be great. And I blame my mother.
Jill: I'm thinking about going back to school to get my masters. You know, then I could be a family counsellor.
Marie: You would be a natural working with families.
Jill: Well, after surviving this one, I should get a purple heart.
The Kitchen
[Brad is sitting up at the counter eating water melon and spitting pips out onto a paper on the counter. Jill enters]
Jill: Hi, Brad.
Brad: Hey, Mom. What's this?
Jill: That's a college catalogue with water melon seeds all over it. I'm checking out colleges.
Brad: Well, aren't I a little young?
Jill: It's for me!
Brad: Well, then aren't you way old? [Jill gives Brad a dirty look] I'm never going to get my allowance back am I?
Jill: It's not looking good.
Tim: [Entering from the garage] Hey Brad, Hi Hun.
Brad: Hi Dad.
Jill: Oh, hi. I'm glad you're home.
Tim: You're sounding in a better mood.
Jill: Oh, yeah. I had a great day.
Tim: What did you do? Sit in bed all day, stuff your face, talk to your girlfriends on the phone?
Jill: Is that what you think my idea of a great day is?
Tim: Sorry. That's MY idea of a great day.
Jill: Wait till you hear about what I'm thinking about doing. I wanna go back to college.
Tim: Are you gonna stay here or at the dorm?
Jill: I'm thinking about going back and getting my masters in psychology. Of course I'd have to take some undergrad. courses first, but what do you think?
Tim: Are you serious?
Jill: Yeah, serious.
Tim: Jill, a masters degree will take for ever.
Jill: That's OK. I liked school.
Tim: Do you remember school? Homework, detention, being suspended, sitting in the corner.
Jill: Tim, they don't do that in college.
Tim: Oh yeah? How much is this going to cost?
Jill: How much did the hot rod cost?
Tim: How m... Cost is not the issue here.
Jill: Tim, this is something that I want to do.
Tim: Well, why psychology? I thought you liked journalism. Don't you like being a researcher?
Jill: Well, I did, but now I want to move in a new direction. I feel I'm going through a major life change.
Tim: The facial hair thing?
Jill: No, Tim.
Tim: Well, thatnk goodness for that.
Jill: Do you remember when you quit being a salesman to do "Tool Time"? It was important to you, and I was very supportive. Do you remember that?
Tim: Well, I'd support you too if you were doing something that made sense to me. Why don't you go to a trade school?
Jill: Trade school?
Tim: Six months, you'd be a turret lathe operator.
Jill: I don't want to be a turret lathe operator. I don't even know what a turret lathe operator is.
Tim: That's why you go to the school. How about a certified arc welder?
Jill: Are you insane?
Tim: Diesel bus repair?
Jill: Tim, I was really excited about this idea. I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you about it and all you can do is throw up idiotic suggestions. Why don't you just tell me to go to clown college?
Tim: They'd never take you. You're not funny enough and your feet are too small.
[Jill flicks a spoonful of the mixture she's working with at Tim]
[Commercial break]
"Tool Time" set
[Heidi is standing in front of a sign which reads "Drywall Week"]
Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: "Tool Time"!
Heidi: That's right. Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Toolman" Taylor. [Tim enters from the back of the set]
Tim: Thank you Heidi. Thank you everybody. And welcome to Drywall week here on "Tool Time". I am Tim "The Toolman" Taylor and you all know my assistant Plump-Al-Stilt-Skin. [Al enters walking on a pair of stilts which add a couple of feet to his height]
Al: Thank you. Thank you. I'm wearing these stilts to show our viewers a handy way to put up dry wall ceiling panels.
Tim: After that, Al's going to juggle and balance a big rubber ball on his nose.
Al: We'll be working with a ten foot ceiling today, so I have my stilts set to thirty-six inches. They're adjustable all the way to forty-eight inches.
Tim: The stilts or your belt?
Al: The advantage to using stilts when dry-walling is they do give you height, plus mobility.
Tim: Now, remember that each one of these panels weighs sixty pounds so it's always a good idea to have a good helper.
Al: Or if your in a bind, Tim. Now if your don't happen to have a dry wall lift like this here, you can hold up your panels with T braces called dead men. Tim, show them what a dead man looks like.
Tim: [Tim pauses and then points at Al] Well, this is all well and good if you have a traditional ten foot ceiling. But let's say I want to do a remodel on the Sistine Chapel.
Al: Well, I don't think you'd be their first choice as contractor.
Tim: Stick with me here, OK. Guys, raise this up to the Sistine Chapel level. [The Ceiling panel is raised on a hoist] Now let's say we wanna smooth out those chubby cherubs with some wall board. Stilts only go up to forty-eight inches. That's why I use these. Heidi. My Pneumatic dry-wall stilts. [Heidi helps Tim strap himself into the stilts.]
Al: Pneumatic dry-wall stilts?
Tim: Is there an echo in the building?
Al: Well, just how high can they go?
Tim: The sky's the limit. Want to go up - press this lever up. [The stilts raise Tim upwards] Third floor lingerie, ding, ding, ding.
Al: Why, I'm very impressed, Tim.
Tim: Watch this. If I want to reverse the process and go down to the bargain basement where you picked up that shirt, press here [The stilts shoot Tim upwards further and his head goes through the ceiling wall-board]
The Kitchen
[Randy is washing up a plate, Tim walks in from the garage carrying a bunch of flowers]
Tim: Hi Randy.
Randy: Hi, Dad.
Tim: Great day today.
Randy: Good "Tool Time"?
Tim: Through the roof! Erm, how's Mom?
Randy: Er, not too bad. She finally stopped saying "Boys, whatever you do, don't turn out to be like your father."
Tim: OK. Well this'll put her right over the top.
Randy: Do flowers always work?
Tim: Yep. Every time I get in trouble, I just call Lou the Florist.
Randy: She gets mad at you so often, you must be on some kind of frequent flower programme.
Tim: I'm not only a member, I'm the club president. [Randy leaves into the garage as Jill comes in from the garden with Marie] Bet you can't guess what I've got behind my back?
Jill: Dozen roses, sixteen daisies, two tulips and a couple of sprigs of baby-sprout.
Tim: Right on the money.
Marie: That's amazing.
Jill: Oh, it's not that unusual. This is the twenty-ninth time I've gotten that exact same bouquet of flowers. Lou the Florist calls it his "Tim Taylor, Foot in the Mouth Special".
Tim: Don't knock it. Because of this bouquet, Lou has been able to send his son to a fabulous trade school. He's a turret lathe operator now.
Marie: Well at least you get flowers. Joe gives me a string of sausage and a side of Canadian bacon.
Tim: See how lucky you are? When Joe screws up, a pig dies.
Marie: Good luck Tim. You'll need it. Thanks for the basil. [Marie leaves]
Jill: Tim, why did you give me these flowers? Is it so that I wouldn't be mad at you any more?
Tim: Yes.
Jill: If you had just given me the flowers to show me that you supported my idea of going back to school, I would have been so happy about that.
Tim: That's amazing. That's exactly why I bought them. That's why I love our relationship. We know what each other's thinking.
Jill: Then you know what I'm thinking right now?
Tim: I think you're thinking that I wasted, er, [looks at the tag on the flowers] twenty-seven ninety-five.
Wilson's garden
[Wilson is cooking over a barbecue]
Tim: Hey, Wilson. Want some flowers?
Wilson: Why, Tim. What a neighborly gesture.
Tim: It'll cost you thirty-five bucks.
Wilson: Well you know, if I'm not mistaken, Tim, that looks like the twenty-seven ninety-five Tim Taylor Foot in your Mouth special.
Tim: Yeah. Tried to use 'em to say I'm sorry to Jill. She didn't want 'em. She wants to go back to school and she's mad cuz she doesn't think I'm being very supportive.
Wilson: Well, do you feel that you are?
Tim: Well, I guess that depends upon your definition of supportive. I told her it was a stupid idea and she probably couldn't even get into clown college.
Wilson: Well Tim, I don't think that's anyone's definition of supportive.
Tim: Well going back to school. It's really a big deal to her. I couldn't wait to get out of college. And to be honest, the college couldn't wait to get me out of there.
Wilson: Well, wasn't it college where you met Jill?
Tim: Yeah. Wasn't easy. I was kind of a motor head and she hung out with all the intellectuals. You know the type. Spend their days thinking about the meaning of life when they could be thinking about how to drink a keg of beer without using their hands. I'm not looking forward to her getting back in a group of egg-heads again. People always trying to prove how smart they are by talking over your head and using big words.
Wilson: So Tim, you're worried about Jill returning to the world of academia.
Tim: It was a lot of work to get her interested in me in the first place in college, you know, and maybe she goes back and hangs out with those intellectual types...maybe she...maybe she won't find me that interesting.
Wilson: Tim, just because Jill grows doesn't mean that she's going to grow apart from you.
Tim: No, no. Heck. What am I talking about. Why would she trade me in for a new model when she's got a V8 like me sitting in the garage at home?
Wilson: You are a classic.
Tim: [Grunts] Yeah!
Back in the house
[Jill enters from the garage as Tim comes in from the garden, still carrying the bouquet of flowers]
Tim: Jill! Don't expect me to help you with your homework.
Jill: What?
Tim: When you go back to study psychology.
Jill: Wait! You're OK with that?
Tim: If your dream is to work with nuts, you should go back to the world of macadamia. If you wanna go back and get your masters, I totally support you.
Jill: You really mean that?
Tim: Absolutely.
Jill: Oh, thank you honey. [Hugs Tim] I'll take these now. [Takes the flowers from Tim] Now you realise with me studying and being at school, that things are going to change a little bit round here.
Tim: If there's adjustments to be made on the house, I'll make 'em.
Jill: No, no, no. Forget about the adjustments. Just be supportive. I'm so excited about going back to school. [Jill walks out to the garden carrying a watering can. Tim follows] I get to buy a new three ring binder and knee socks.
Tim: You know, I never told you this, but when we were at school, I always thought you were out of my league.
Jill: I was.
Tim: And I guess I was worried that you'd find a new group of brainiacs to hang out with. Well maybe when you come home to me, I'll be kind of boring.
Jill: Well one thing about coming home to you is, it's never boring.
Tim: Let me ask you a question. Have you ever wished that you'd married somebody as smart as you?
Jill: What, do you think I'm smarter than you?
Tim: Yes.
Jill: Wow. That just shows how smart you are.
Tim: You didn't answer the question.
Jill: Do I ever wish that I had married somebody else? Why would I want to marry anybody else? You're funny. You're sexy. Creative. You take chances, and you're definitely not afraid to be wrong. [They kiss] I'm perfectly happy being married to a man who thinks PBS is something women get once a month.
Tim: What I said was once a month is enough for PBS. Way too much for the other thing. [The camera shows Tim and Jill swinging on the swing in the gazebo]
The Living Room
[Jill is sat reading a magazine and Tim comes in from the garage]
Tim: You'll never guess what I got in the box.
Jill: Oh, the hood ornament.
Tim: No . I missed a call. Deke put me to the bottom of the list.
Jill: Glad you weren't waiting for a liver.
Tim: This is stuff for your first day at school. [Takes the lid off the box] Three ring binder with your college sweetheart on it. [Pulls out a binder with a picture of a young Tim on it] Stop laughin' otherwise I won't give you your Tim Taylor, More Power pencil sharpener. [Hands this to Jill]
Jill: Oooohh!
Tim: Try it out.
[Jill puts the new pencil into the sharpener and sharpens it down to about an inch in seconds]
Tim: And my best piece. Your remote controlled lunchbox. [Puts the box on the table and gives the remote to Jill] Press this. [The top of the box flips open and an object shoots out of the box]
On the "Tool Time" show
[The scene with Tim and Al on the stilts]
Tim: the bargain basement where you bought that shirt. Just press this button here. [Tim presses the button and the stilts extend pushing Tim up against, but NOT through the wall-board ceiling - everybody laughs - the stilts are lowered and Tim pushes his head up with his hand]
[Beep. Cut.]
[Al is on his stilts with Tim stood beside him without stilts]
Al: I'm wearing these stilts to show our viewers a handy way to install ceiling panels.
Tim: And after that, just for the kids, Al's going to juggle a ball on his nose, and sing Cum-ba-ya. [Tim burst into laughter, setting Al off]

Valid XHTML 1.0 Transitional Valid CSS We rated with ICRA We rated with Safe Surf