Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

The Route of All Evil

Episode No# 087
Written by:
Lloyd Garver
Directed by:
Andy Cadiff
Transcript by:
David A.Brett
Corrections should be sent to:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Guest Cast
Heidi - Debbe Dunning
Marie - Mariangela Pino
Episode begins on the Set of "Tool Time"
Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: "Tool Time"!
Heidi: Alright, now here he is, the star of the show. Tim "The Toolman" Taylor.
[Tim and Al come onto the set]
Tim: Thank you. Thank you Heidi. Thank you everyone. Welcome to Security Week here on "Tool Time". You all know me, I'm Tim "The Secureman" Taylor and Al "I want my Blankie" Borland.
Al: I'd respond to that but I don't need to because I'm very secure with who I am.
Tim: Well, you shouldn't be. OK, You know folks, "Tool Time" isn't just about home improvement, it's also about protecting that home you have improved.
Al: That's right, and a good place to start is with the proper locks. Now there are all types of locks. Chain locks, gardner locks, dead bolt locks.
Tim: My favourite, bagel and lox, yeah. I go with the Nova Scotia lox, Al likes the belly lox, but remember: a little lox goes a long way.
Al: Well we also have a home security system.
Tim: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Burglar systems are fine, but when do we get to the high energy surveillance equipment? Huh? Heidi, the high energy surveillance equipment, please.
[Heidi brings in the equipment]
Heidi: Here you are, Tim.
Tim: Look at this stuff. Small surveillance cameras, infrared scopes, pocket bug detectors!
Al: Tim, we're talking home security, not cracking an international spy ring.
Tim: Yeah, but Al, with this stuff, you got the option. Now, a must on the shopping list for every Do It Yourself spy is the bionic ear. With this device, you can pick up conversations a long way away. Watch.
From the device: Maurice, qu'est ce que tu a penser de "Tool Time"? ... Eh, Pierre, c'etait tres amusant, mais l'assistant, Al Borland, etait un grand bozo.
Al: And you're expecting me to believe that they watch "Tool Time" in France?
Tim: Well, not any more. You heard what Maurice said about you. Now it's time for the Night Vision goggles. [Tim dons a pair of the goggles] With these bad boys, you can walk around in pitch black and pick out a burglar, and you'll never whizz wide of the bowl again. [Al puts on a pair of the goggles] What these things do is great, they amplify existing light, like 2000 times, just by flicking this switch. [Flicks the switch on Al's goggles]
Al: DOH!
Tim: Just like looking into the surface of the Sun isn't it. I'm over here Al, over here. Actually, these are designed for using when it's totally dark. Heidi, make it totally dark, please. [Heidi throws the master switch plunging the set into darkness] I'll just switch mine on. Yeah, wow!
Al: Oh, well now mine aren't working.
Tim: I'll just adjust 'em. Let me grab a screw driver out of your tool belt here.
Al: Tim!
Tim: Yeah?
Al: That's not my screw driver!
[Opening credits]
Taylor Kitchen
[Jill is preparing some food and she and her friend, Marie are talking]
Marie: Well, Jill. I gotta hand it to ya. How do you even find time to cook with your finals coming up?
Jill: Well, I did find this book. Five Minute Meals for the Busy Woman.
Marie: Oh.
Jill: You should try the spaghetti sauce. Tell me what you think of it.
Marie: [Tastes the sauce] Maybe if you throw the book in the pot, it might give it some flavor.
Jill: Ah well. Tim and the boys are just going to have to put up with it until all my finals are over with.
[Tim enters from the garage]
Tim: Hi guys.
Jill: Oh hi. Anyway, I just don't have the time to do the cooking the way I usually do.
Tim: Now there's some good news.
Jill: Wait till he sees the new book I got. Five Minute Love Making.
Tim: What are we gonna do with the other three minutes?
[Brad enters from the garden]
Brad: Hey guys, guess what. Barry Hudson quit his newspaper route. Hi Marie.
Marie: Hey.
Tim: Now we won't need the ladder to get the newspaper off the roof.
Marie: I don't know. I don't mind climbing up on the roof every day to get our newspaper. That way I don't have to spring for a Stairmaster. I'll see you guys later.
Jill: Oh, bye!
Marie: Bye, bye. [Leaves]
Brad: Well Barry talked to the newspaper, and they said if I want the job, I can take it.
Tim: Great. There's nothing like a challenge. You growin' into someone mature.
Jill: You ought to get your father a paper route.
Tim: I had a paper route. It's the kind of job that turns a boy into a man.
Brad: So I can take it?
Tim: Absolutely.
Brad: Yes!
Jill: Not so fast!
Tim: Not so fast! Why not so fast?
Jill: Well, Brad, you have a lot more school work this year. You got band, basketball, a girlfriend. Don't you think you're taking on too much.
Brad: I know it's a lot, but Mom, I can handle it.
Tim: What does it pay?
Brad: Seventy-five bucks a week.
Tim: Seventy-five dollars a week!
Jill: You're going to have to be getting up at the crack of dawn when it's like seven below outside.
Brad: I can do it.
Tim: That's right. It's good to push him a little bit, and besides, getting up at five o'clock'll put hair on your chest. Which is why you don't see too many newspaper girls.
Brad: And Mom, I promise I won't fall behind on anything. I'll clean my room, and I'll even practise my saxaphone two hours a night.
Jill: You don't do that now!
Tim: We talked about giving the boys more responsibility. I think this falls in that category.
Jill: Well OK. I have my doubts, but, if that's the way you see it Tim, alright.
Brad: Alright!
Tim: Alright.
Jill: Now, the minute that your schoolwork starts to suffer, the job is over.
Brad: It's a deal.
Tim: That's right. Whoa, I think I see a chest hair sprouting. No, naval lint.
Living Room
[Jill is sat in the couch reading. There is a knock at the garden door and in comes Marie]
Marie: Hey Jill. I know you're under the gun with your finals, so I made you some lasagne.
Jill: You cooked for me? That is so sweet.
Marie: I figured if I didn't, you might have a five minute marriage.
Jill: I don't know how to thank you.
Marie: Oh, don't worry about it. You become a psychologist, you can give me a discount on therapy.
Jill: For you, three neuroses for the price of one.
Marie: Oh, then I just have to figure out what to do with my other twenty seven neuroses.
Jill: I wanna try it.
Marie: There you go.
Jill: Lemme see [Tries the lasagne] Oh, so good.
Marie: Oh, thanks. Hey, you know Brad is doin' really great with his job.
Jill: You know, I had my doubts, but it's going really well.
Marie: You're not kidding. His throw is so accurate all I have to do is open the door and the paper hits Joe right in the head. Come to think of it, it saves me the trouble.
[Tim enters from the garage]
Tim: Hello Marie, Hi honey.
Marie: Hey Tim.
Tim: Something smells great. You order out again?
Jill: No. Marie knew how busy I was, and look. She cooked us dinner.
Tim: Ah, looks like lasagne, it smells like lasagne. [Tim tastes the food] Important here. Her lasagne tastes like lasagne.
Brad's Bedroom
[The clock shows 4:59. "Get a job" is playing as background music. The clock changes to 5:00 and the alarm sounds. Brad reaches out and switches on the lamp, gets out of bed and opens the closet.]
By the Front Door
[Brad runs down the stairs and out of the front door after picking up his coat. He picks up a bundle of papers from the doorstep and closes the door.]
Brad's Bedroom
[The clock shows 4:59. The clock changes to 5:00 and the alarm sounds. Brad is lying in bed, rubbing his eyes. Slowly he reaches out and switches on the lamp and then covers his eyes from the light. The clock again shows 4:59 and changes to 5:00. A pillow is thrown over the alarm clock. Brad then puts his head underneath a pillow. The clock reads 5:44. Brad rushes to get out of bed.]
By the Front Door
[Brad runs down the stairs wearing a wooley jumper, and no trousers, and out of the front door after picking up his coat. He picks up a bundle of papers from the doorstep and closes the door. The door reopens and Brad comes back in and runs off up the stairs. The music fades away]
Brad's bedroom
[Randy and Mark walk into the room. Randy is carrying a football]
Randy: Hey Brad!
Brad: [Wakes up from where he's been lying across his schoolwork at his desk] Uh!
Mark: Do you want to play football?
Brad: Uh, no. I can't. I'm way behind. I've got this paper on the Franco-Prussian war due tomorrow.
Randy: Well, what do you have so far? [Randy picks up Brads pad and reads] The Franco-Prussian war was. That's it?
Brad: Yeah, and I copied that out of the encyclopaedia.
Randy: Well, you know if you make the margins wider it might make it seem longer.
Brad: I'm gonna have to stay up all night to finish this. This job's gonna kill me.
Mark: If it does, can I have my room back?
Randy: This job's so tough. I mean, why don't you just quit?
Brad: I can't. I already told Mom and Dad that I can handle it. I gotta show them I'm up to the challenge like a real man.
Randy: Well, if you keep on handing in papers like this, you're going to be the only real man still stuck in the eighth grade.
Brad: How did I get myself into this? I'm behind in everything. Maybe I should just tell them the truth.
Randy: I think you're going to have to. Even though it does go against everything I believe in.
[Tim enters the room]
Tim: Hi guys.
Mark: Hi Dad.
Randy: Bye Dad.
[Randy and Mark leave the room]
Tim: So how's my junior breadwinner doing?
Brad: I'm tired. Every bone in my body aches and I can't see straight.
Tim: Arrr. Welcome to the working world, huh. I'm real proud of ya. That's why I did this. [Pulls a plaque out from behind his back]
Brad: You framed my first paycheck?
Tim: No. I Perma-plaqued it. That baby'll be in there forever.
Brad: How am I supposed to cash it?
Tim: [Tim tries to peel away at the corner of the paycheck - and fails] You make an interesting point. Hmm. I'll just give you the cash.
Brad: Dad. About the job.
Tim: Oh yeah. Love the job. You're Mom didn't think you could handle it, but we proved her wrong.
Brad: I need to talk to you about that. I'm not so sure I can handle it.
Tim: Oh, what are you talking about. Sure you can.
Brad: Dad, it's really tough.
Tim: Yeah.
Brad: I'm thinking that maybe I should just quit.
Tim: Hey, hey, hey, hey, I don't want to hear the words "I quit". Taylor men don't quit. I never quit a job in my life.
Brad: I know but I'm, I...
Tim: You took on a responsibility, I stood up for ya. You gotta follow this thing through Brad, you really do.
Brad: But Dad, I've got so much going on right now.
Tim: Oh come on. Every job is tough when you start out. You'll pull through. Come on, buddy.
Brad: But I can't keep up with everything else.
Tim: Yes you can. You're alright doing your studies. Look at this. What, erm. Look. The Franco-Prussian war was. That's already more than I know, right there. But, Russia's not spelt with a P my friend. That says Prussian. [Tim leaves the room]
[Commercial break]
Brad's Bedroom
[Randy comes into the room. There is mess strewn all over the floor]
Randy: Hey Brad. Mom and Dad want you to come down for dinner.
Brad: Oh. Tell 'em I'm not hungry. I'm trying to finish this paper and do my math homework at the same time.
[Randy reaches over and picks up Brad's notepad from which he reads]
Randy: The Franco-Prussian war was fought in the year 1870 minus the square root of 113.
Brad: Oh man. How could I have done that? I'm never going to get this paper in. My teacher only gave me an extension till tomorrow. I'm dead.
Randy: Well you're going to be even deader when Mom sees the mess in your room.
[Mark walks into the room]
Mark: Whoa! This place is disgusting. I like it.
Randy: You know Brad. You got a big problem. But maybe we can help.
Brad: How?
Randy: Well, I can do your homework and Mark here will clean your room.
Mark: Er, no I won't.
Randy: Mark, we're brothers. Brothers do things for each other.
Mark: No we don't.
Randy: For money we do.
Brad: How much do I have to pay you?
Randy: Well, that depends on how well you wanna do. Ten bucks for an A, five bucks for a B and two dollars for handling.
Brad: What's handling supposed to mean?
Randy: Well, after I finish it, I have to hand it to you.
[Tim is taking a casserole dish out of the fridge]
Tim: Well, let's see what Marie made us for dinner tonight. [Jill gives Tim a dirty look] Oh, could it be lamb stew? Honey would you be offended if I asked Marie to move in with us?
Jill: No, not at all. She can move in as soon as you move out.
[Randy runs in from upstairs, heading for the garage door]
Tim: Hey, Randy. You wanna taste what we're having for dinner tonight?
Randy: Er, I'm not that hungry.
Tim: Marie made it.
Randy: I'm starving.
Jill: You know, as soon as these finals are over, I'm going to be back there behind that stove.
Tim: Don't say that. Not even joking.
[Brad sneaks in from the garden]
Jill: What are you doing home. I thought you had Band!
Brad: Yeah. Well I forgot my sax. I gotta go right back.
Jill: Wait, wait, wait. Did the teacher grade that paper on the Franco-Prussian war?
Brad: Yeah.
Jill: Let me see it.
Brad: It's the red folder. [Turns so that his back pack is pointing towards Jill]
Jill: [Taking the report from the red folder] Brad! You got an A!
Randy: [Excitedly] Alright!
Jill: What are you so happy about?
Randy: Can't a guy be happy for his brother? [Gives several quick glances at Tim and Jill and then leaves going into the garage]
Brad: Er, I gotta go.
Jill: Well, er, don't you need a ride?
Brad: No, Eddie's Mom's going to take me.
Jill: See you later.
Brad: OK. Bye
Jill: Bye. [Leaves]
Tim: This is great. He's handling this all very well. He's doing his job real good. He got an A on that Franco-American Spaghettio thing
Jill: Wait a minute. Listen to this. [Reading from Brad's paper] "Does war bring out the worst in men, or is it the worst in men that brings on war?"
Tim: Oh. That's good. No wonder he got an A.
Jill: That is the exact same opening sentence that Randy used in his paper about the Civil War.
Tim: What are you suggesting? Brad wrote Randy's paper.
Jill: Close. But completely wrong. Randy wrote this paper.
Tim: Why would Randy write a paper for Brad?
[Mark walks by in the background carrying the rubbish bin from Brad's room towards the trash]
Jill: Wait, Mark. What are you doing emptying Brad's trash can?
Mark: Umm! It used to be mine.
Jill: Oh, I see. So, you missed it and you're just emptying it for old time's sake?
Mark: Exactly.
Jill: Yeah, right. Get your can back down over here.
Mark: I didn't do anything.
Tim: Are you cleaning Brad's room?
Mark: Brad's room?
Jill: Mark, you're in a difficult position. On the one hand, you want to be loyal to Brad. On the other hand. We pay your allowance.
Mark: My allowance.
Tim: And you're repeating everying we say. And don't repeat that.
Jill: This can only mean one thing.
Tim: Yeah.
Jill: Brad pays him more than we do. Mark, come on. We want to know what is going on.
Mark: Brad couldn't handle the job, so he paid me to do his chores.
Jill: And Randy to do his homework.
Mark: You didn't hear that from me.
Tim: If he's having such a problem, then why didn't he just come to us?
Mark: He said he had to show YOU that he was up to the challenge. Like a real man.
Jill: Oh, Tim.
Tim: What? You were the one who told him he could do it.
Jill: Me?
Tim: Yeah. I believe the exact words were "I have my doubts, but if you say so, Tim".
Out in the Garden
[Tim is moving back across the garden carrying the bionic ear surveillance device. Wilson is paying out the cable from over the fence]
Tim: Hold it up like that. I'll go over by the gazebo. [Tim reaches the gazebo] Can you hear me?
Wilson: Loud and clear, audio neighbor.
Tim: This is great. Two guys talking over a distance. Somebody should've invented this years ago, huh?
Wilson: Well, I believe they did Tim. It's called the telephone.
Tim: I could've used this to snoop on Brad. I would've realised that Randy was doing his homework and Mark was acting like his maid.
Wilson: Well, how did that come about?
Tim: He hired his brothers because he couldn't do the paper route and his schoolwork at the same time. It was too much for him. If he was having a problem, I wonder why he just didn't come and tell me?
Wilson: It's hard for a boy to come to his father and expose his fallibility.
Tim: Oh, it's not like I haven't seen the kid in the shower before.
Wilson: No, no, no, no, Tim. What I meant was, did you have any indication that Brad was having difficulties?
Tim: No. He said he was tired, that it was becoming a lot of work, that he wanted to quit, but other than that... [the penny drops with Tim]
Wilson: So, obviously he did come to you. Maybe you just had difficulty hearing what he had to say.
Tim: Truth is, I probably wouldn't have heard no matter what he said.
Wilson: Well, why not?
Tim: I was so excited about him having that job. I just kept pushing him, and pushing him, you know. I just want my kids to be great.
Wilson: Tim, it's not unusual for a father to want his sons to succeed. You know I'm reminded of what Wally Schirra the astronaut said. You don't raise heroes, you raise sons, but if you treat them as sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes.
Tim: I did push him, way too hard. But it wasn't on purpose.
Wilson: I know it wasn't.
Tim: Thanks for lending me your ear.
Wilson: Tim.
Tim: Yeah.
Wilson: Thanks for lending me yours.
Tim: Oh.
The Living Room
[Tim is vacuuming inside one of his model cars using a very small vacuum cleaner. Brad comes in through the front door.]
Brad: Hey Dad.
Tim: Hello Brad. You having dinner with us tonight?
Brad: Yeah. I'll be down in one second. I'm just going to take my sax. Up to my room.
Tim: I think your room's about done. Last I saw, Mark was putting a mint on your pillow.
Brad: So, I guess you noticed Mark was cleaning my room.
Tim: Yes, I noticed that.
Brad: Hey, I gotta admit, I was pretty surprised when he actually volunteered to do it.
Tim: You must have been down right amazed when Randy volunteered to do your homework.
Brad: Oh, I'm really sorry Dad. I know I got myself in deep. And I didn't even know how to get out of it.
Tim: It's alright, it's alright. A lot of it's my fault. I mean I was pushing you to do this. I didn't even listen when you told me you didn't want to.
Brad: I really wanted to show you that I could handle it.
Tim: I'm reminded of what the great astronaut Wally Cleaver said. You can't expect your son to do his homework and eat a foot long hero without Prussian dressing.
Brad: What?
Tim: You're one terrific kid. I'm real proud of you for trying this. But, the rest of this week, I want you to concentrate on your homework, and I'll take your two employees and we'll finish out the week so you get a full paycheck.
Brad: Thanks Dad.
Tim: You know, son, the reason I was doing this, when I had a paper route, it was really important to me.
Brad: Well, how come?
Tim: It was the first job I had after my Dad died, and I had the job to show my Mom that I could shoulder some responsibility and not be just a goof-off like my other brothers.
Brad: Yeah, and I'm sure you didn't quit your first paper route.
Tim: No I didn't.
Brad: See.
Tim: I was fired.
Brad: Why were you fired?
Tim: I was trying to make it fun, and expedite at the same time, you know, so I got a compressed air gun that would shoot the papers, and I never got telemetry down, which is the angle of attack. I'd get some... it'd go... I'd get 'em... I mean I never got 'em anywhere near the damn porch. Would've made a lot more money if I'd known how to repair a window back then. Boy I'll tell you.
The Living Room
[We see through the garden window to the front door area where Randy and Mark are using the computer. The camera pans back to the dining room table where Tim and Brad are counting out money]
Tim: Here are our collections. Twenty, forty, fifty, fifty-five, sixty.
Brad: Uh, I'm supposed to have seventy-five.
Tim: You were docked for the windows you broke.
Brad: I didn't break any windows.
Tim: Technically, it was your bike, your route, done by somebody with your last name.
Brad: Dad!
Tim: I'm good for the fifteen bucks. You also ran over a cat's tail and you were slapped silly by some old woman.
[Jill enters through the front door]
Jill: Good news.
Tim: Hi.
Jill: Finals are over.
Mark: How'd you do?
Jill: I kicked butt.
Randy: Alright, Mom.
Jill: Thanks:
Brad: Does this mean Marie's not going to be cooking for us any more?
Jill: Yes it does. I'm going to be making a Swiss steak in a marinade, [Tim quietly rallies the boys who join him, grabbing their coats as they make a getaway out of the front door] er, some lovely scallop potatoes and I got a new idea using some squash I found. You guys hungry? Guys?

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