Note: Bert Russell is referred to as Bert Sandford in the episode.
| Episode begins during an episode of "Tool
Time" |
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| Tim: | Well, it's the end of Floor Finishing week here on "Tool Time" and we got a big finish for ya. |
| Al: | That's right. |
| Tim: | We're gonna shoot Al out of a giant glue gun. There'll be pieces of Al everywhere. It's going to be a great show so stay tuned. |
| Al: | We are not. We're going to finish finishing our floor. |
| Tim: | If you said finish finishing like that in Finland, you'd be finished already. |
| Al: | Tim. Now if you want a strong, waterproof finish, you can't go wrong with polyurethane. Now we've already applied one coat with our lambswool applicator. |
| Tim: | Now if your hardware store doesn't stock a lambswool applicator, don't fret, you just duct tape your pet lamb to a pole. [Tim makes gestures of using such an item, a sheep "bah"ing is heard from off set] |
| Al: | Now for best results, you'll want to use two coats. However before applying the second coat, you'll want to scuff the first coat with a fibreglass screen which will help the second coat adhere better. |
| Tim: | Easy to install. Just set that down underneath your buffer and start buffin'. Al uses one of these to buff his legs before he waxes 'em. Now, speaking of wax, for a gentler smoother shine, I suggest going just with wax. Course, [Pokes his finger in his ear and twists it a couple of times] with all the wax I got in there you could wax a whole basketball court. |
| Al: | Remind me not to shake your hand at the end of the show. [Al starts buffing the floor] |
| Tim: | Alright, I'm ready to buff out my wax, but to show you the difference between these two finishes, but Al's using the buffer, so I've brought my own. Heidi and Stumpy, will you bring out my buffer please. |
| [Heidi and Stumpy wheel on Tims large looking buffer.] |
| Heidi: | Here you go Tim. [They lift the buffer onto Tim's area of floor] |
| Tim: | Thank you guys. Thank you Stump. |
| Al: | Could you have built a bigger buffer? |
| Tim: | I didn't build this. I bought this from Bob's Big and Tall Appliance shop. Alright, we're ready to buff this out. Watch the shine. Klaus, my music please. [The music starts and Tim starts buffing the floor. After a while, the buffer takes over and throws Tim off the wooden floor.] Perfect. |
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| [Opening credits] |
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| In the Kitchen |
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| [Jill is stirring something on the cooker. Randy skips in from upstairs] |
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| Jill: | Want to taste my Alfredo sauce? |
| Randy: | If I taste it now, can I skip it at dinner? |
| Jill: | Forget it, I'll taste it myself. [Jill tastes it and grimaces] |
| Tim: | [Tim comes in from the garage] Hi. [Tim goes to kiss Jill, sees the look on her face and pauses] Alfredo face. [Jill nods, Tim goes for a kiss anyway, pauses again] No, no. Bet you can't guess where I came from. |
| Jill: | Art museum? |
| Tim: | Slippery Steve's Snowmobiles. He doesn't generally rent them, but for me, he will make an exception. |
| Jill: | It is so great to be married to a man with that kind of power. |
| Tim: | But I must learn to use my power for good, not evil. |
| Jill: | And the good would be? |
| Tim: | How about a snowmobile party for Randy's birthday? |
| Randy: | Dad, I don't know about a snowmobile party. |
| Tim: | Come on. Think about it. There's no better way to say "Happy Birthday" than to say it at eighty five miles an hour. Busting across the tundra, icicles frozen to your face. I can't see anything!! |
| Randy: | As good as that sounds, I was thinking about having a boy-girl party in the basement. |
| Tim: | Girls love snowmobiles. |
| Jill: | What girls? |
| Tim: | Snowmobile chicks. |
| Jill: | Tim, nobody has their first boy-girl party on a snowmobile. |
| Tim: | I did. |
| Jill: | Nobody normal. My first boy-girl party, all the girls wore frilly little dresses and the boys wore suits and ties. We played charades and telephone. |
| Randy: | Mom. Things have changed in the last hundred years. |
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| Wilson's Back Yard |
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| [We hear Wilson singing to himself from inside a tent of some sort] |
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| Wilson: | Whoa de-ah. Whoa de-ah. Whoa de-ah. Whoa de-ah. Whoa de-ah. Whoa de-ah. |
| Tim: | [Climbs up and looks over the fence] Wilson? Are you naked? |
| Wilson: | No Tim, I'm wearing a hat. |
| Tim: | Why are you naked? |
| Wilson: | Well, Tim, in Finland, they believe that to rejuvenate the body and the soul, you take a hot sauna bath and you follow that with an ice cold snow massage. |
| Tim: | What do they follow that up with? A heart attack? |
| Wilson: | Ha, ha, ha. No, no Tim. Actually, it's quite invigorating. Maybe you'd like to join me for a hot sauna sometime? There's always room for two under my dome. |
| Tim: | No thanks, Wilson. I'm not much of a "Get naked with your neighbor" kind of guy. |
| Wilson: | Whoa, whoa, whoa. So, how did things go over at the snowmobile place? |
| Tim: | Steve said he'd rent me the snowmobiles, but Randy'd rather have a boy-girl party. |
| Wilson: | Well, you don't sound too happy about that. |
| Tim: | What's there for me to do at a boy-girl party? |
| Wilson: | Well, why do you feel you have to do anything? |
| Tim: | Cuz I like getting involved with my boys' birthdays. Are you still naked? |
| Wilson: | No, no, no, no. I'm all covered up. |
| Tim: | For Brad's thirteenth birthday, we went to a tractor pull, and we got mud all over our heads. I was hoping that Randy's birthday would be just as memorable. |
| Wilson: | Well, maybe you should do something different to participate in Randy's birthday celebration? As the English author Samuel Johnson said, "Our brightest blazes of gladness are commonly kindled by unexpected sparks." |
| Tim: | Well, if anyone knows about unexpected sparks, it'd be me. |
| Wilson: | Well, I think you'd be more fulfilled if you did something for Randy that was both unique, and unexpected. |
| Tim: | Like what? |
| Wilson: | If I knew that, it wouldn't be unexpected. |
| Tim: | W...w...wait...but...unexpected, you say...[Tim looks over the fence] You know what's really unexpected? |
| Wilson: | What's that? |
| Tim: | The position of that tattoo. |
| Wilson: | Well, Tim, that's no tattoo. I just sat on a live coal. |
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| The Basement |
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| [Tim is polishing a wooden dance floor using his massive buffer] |
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| Mark: | Dad, I'm supposed to go over to Jimmy's for a sleepover. |
| Tim: | Alright. We're almost done. Let me see that wax. |
| Mark: | Why do you put on sixteen coats? Why do you have to put on so much? |
| Tim: | It's Randy's birthday present. I want to make sure the dance floor is perfect. |
| Mark: | Can I at least try the polisher? |
| Tim: | I'll show you how in a minute. You gotta adjust this by hand. I'm good. I can do it while its moving. But you gotta be good at this. So, if you get your cuff caught in there [Tim puts his trouser leg near the buffer and his trousers are promptly ripped off him] |
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| The Kitchen |
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| [Brad takes a canned drink out of the refrigerator] |
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| Randy: | [Comes in from by the front door] So how do I look? |
| Brad: | What's different? |
| Randy: | I changed shoes! |
| Brad: | Randy, what are you so nervous about? |
| Randy: | Well, you see, there's this girl, Michelle, coming to the party. |
| Brad: | Randy, Michelle's not going to care about what pair of shoes you're wearing. All she's going to care about is that she gets to have fun at the party. And, er, she doesn't want any nerdy parents hanging around. |
| Jill: | [Enters carrying a large box] Great news! Guess what I found in the closet - my old forty-fives. [Randy and Brad both look bemused] |
| Randy: | You're going to let us have guns at the party? |
| Jill: | These are records. This is the music I used to listen to at my parties. |
| Brad: | Oh, this can't be good. |
| Jill: | Oh, Hurdy-Gurdy Man by Donovan. Oh, oh, this is a great slow song, To Sir With Love by Lulu. |
| Randy & Brad: | Lulu? |
| Brad: | Don't worry about it, Randy, there's not a machine in the city that'll play those things. |
| Jill: | Not true! I found my old Princess record player in the closet too. Now, all I have to do is find a needle for it. |
| Brad: | Hey, why don't you just hop into your time machine? [The doorbell rings] |
| Jill: | Whoa, big moment, Randy. [Goes over to the front door with Randy] Your first boy or girl at your first boy-girl party. |
| Randy: | Mom. [Jill giggles. Randy opens the door] Hi Michelle. |
| Michelle: | Hi Randy. The person who followed me in is my father. |
| Bert: | I'm Bert Sandford. |
| Jill: | Oh, I'm so happy to meet you. I'm Jill Taylor. |
| Michelle: | OK, Dad. You've met his mother, and you can see that she looks basically normal. You can go now. |
| Jill: | Um, listen. I can assure you that my husband and I will be here to supervise the party the whole time. We're very responsible people. |
| Tim: | [Entering from the basement - with no trousers on] I'll be right back, Mark. |
| Jill: | There's my husband now. [Goes looking for Tim] Tim! [Tim is seen quickly going back through the basement door] Come and meet Michelle's father. |
| Tim: | [Peering round the door] Oh, Hi Michelle's father. Good to see you. |
| Jill: | Tim, don't be rude. Come here. Shake his hand. |
| Tim: | Not a good time, honey. |
| Bert: | Now, wait a minute. Aren't you the guy on that tool show? |
| Tim: | Yes I am. |
| Bert: | I loved that episode where you lit your sleeve on fire. |
| Tim: | Classic episode. [Tim emerges from behind the basement door] I got that thing on tape if you wanna watch it, I got it. [There's a pause whilst everyone looks at Tim and his lack of trousers] You're wondering why I don't have any pants on aren't you? |
| Michelle: | [To Randy] Why's your father walking around in his underwear? |
| Randy: | To ruin my life. |
| Tim: | Do you know I switched from briefs to boxers 'cuz they're more free when you're in a pair of slacks. I'm gonna go and get a pair of vanderbilts on right now. You guys just hold still while I get some slacks on. I'll be right back. [Tim walks off up the stairs] |
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| The Basement |
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| [Music is playing and Randy's friends are stood around about. Brad and Randy are stood at the foot of the stairs] |
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| Brad: | Why don't you ask Michelle to dance? |
| Randy: | I just ate. You're supposed to wait an hour before you go dancing. |
| Brad: | That's swimming. |
| Randy: | You're right. It's two hours before dancing. |
| Brad: | Get over there. Come on. [Gives Randy a push] |
| Randy: | [Dances very nervously across the dance floor towards Michelle] Hey, Michelle. |
| Michelle: | Hi. |
| Randy: | So, you having a good time? |
| Michelle: | Not really. |
| Randy: | Well neither am I. I'd leave, but this is my house. [Turns and starts to walk away] |
| Michelle: | I like your shoes. |
| Randy: | I like your ears. |
| Michelle: | What? |
| Randy: | I mean I just never noticed 'em at school before. |
| Michelle: | I always bring them with me. |
| Randy: | Yeah, it's just usually, you know, you wear your hair down and you can't see 'em, but now you can and they really match your nose. |
| Michelle: | Thanks. |
| Randy: | Um, I'm really glad your father let you stay. |
| Michelle: | I'm really glad your father put some pants on. |
| [Tim comes down the stairs into the basement and hits his head on the pipe] |
| Tim: | Oh! How come no-one's dancing? This floor isn't just for looking at. Come on. Hey Sherman, how're you doin' buddy? What d'ya think of the dance floor? I made this for Randy for his birthday. Did your Dad ever make you a dance floor like this? |
| Sherman: | No, I kept dropping hints, but all I got was a crummy CD player. |
| Tim: | Yeah. [Sherman walks off] |
| Randy: | Hey, Dad, I thought you told me you were going to stay upstairs. |
| Tim: | Yeah, I thought I'd come down here and help everybody get the party going. Little dancing, everybody, come on. [Starts to dance] Baby circles. I'm a king. No-one gonna give me nothin'. Shut up. Whoooo. |
| Randy: | Dad. Dad. You're killin' me here. Could you go upstairs, please. |
| Tim: | Yeah, alright. Come on. [Gesticulates towards the dance floor] |
| Randy: | So, er, Michelle. Do you er, wanna... |
| Michelle: | Dance? |
| Randy: | Yeah, sure. Thanks for asking. |
| Tim: | I'm so proud. That's my floor right there. |
| [Randy and Michelle walk onto the dance floor and Michelle slips and falls over] |
| Randy: | Michelle, are you OK? |
| Michelle: | I don't think so. |
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| [Commercial break] |
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| The Kitchen |
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| [Jill is singing, using a ladle as a microphone] |
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| Jill: | To sir, with love. Ba, ba, ba ba. [Tim and Randy bring Michelle into the kitchen. Brad follows behind] |
| Tim: | I think she should go to the doctor. |
| Jill: | I'm not sick, I'm just singing. |
| Randy: | I'm really sorry about this Michelle. |
| Jill: | What did you do? Tim! |
| Tim: | I might have put a smidge too much wax on the dance floor. |
| Randy: | A smidge! You could hold Ice-capades on that thing. |
| Tim: | We need some ice honey. |
| Jill: | Well, I just put it all in the punch. |
| Tim: | That's easy. [Picks up the punch bowl] |
| Jill: | No. |
| Tim: | Come on. She's gotta stick her foot in there. Go ahead, put it in there. |
| Michelle: | It's freezing. |
| Tim: | Cold will help the swelling. Tomorrow you gotta put heat on there. |
| Brad: | Yeah, come back and we'll stick your foot in a tub of hot chocolate. |
| Jill: | We better call her parents. |
| Tim: | What's your home phone number? |
| Michelle: | Oh, no-one's home. My Mom's out of town, my Dad's buying a new car. |
| Tim: | We need someone to call. What kind? |
| Randy: | Dad. |
| Michelle: | Oh, my ankle really hurts. |
| Tim: | look, it's turning purple. |
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| The Emergency Room at the Hospital |
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| [Randy opens the door to allow Tim to carry Michelle in] |
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| Randy: | Ah, great! This place is packed. |
| Tim: | It's busier than usual. Maybe you should've had the party in here. |
| Randy: | Dad, it's bad enough you might have broken her ankle. Don't make her listen to your jokes. |
| Tim: | Just watch her will you. I'll see if I can move things along. [Pointing at a man leaning forward in a chair next to where Randy sits] Don't touch him. |
| Tim: | [Approaches the desk] Hey, Marge. |
| Marge: | Hey, Tim. I see your eyebrows grew back. |
| Tim: | Oh, they always do. And they're bushier. They're thicker this time. |
| Marge: | Your wife called and said something about a little girl with a injured ankle. |
| Tim: | It's Randy's birthday party and she slipped on the dance floor. Ph! Kids! |
| Marge: | Slipped on the dance floor? Lemme guess. You over-waxed? |
| Tim: | You know me too well, Marge. |
| Marge: | I should. I see you more often than I see my own husband. |
| Tim: | Erm, since I'm such a good customer, do you think there's any way I could move them to the head of the line? |
| Marge: | I wish I could help you out, Tim, but Dr. Harris is on tonight and you know what a stickler for the rules he is. |
| Tim: | Doctor Howie Harris? |
| Marge: | Uh-huh. |
| Tim: | He owes me one. I inspired that paper he did on odd head injuries. |
| Marge: | Well, you can try and talk to him. He's in examining room 2. Be sure to knock first. |
| Tim: | I always do. [To Randy and Michelle] I'm going try and talk the doctor into moving you ahead of the rest of these people. [The leaning man looks up] Except you pal. It's alright. [He leans forward again. Tim speaks to Randy] Don't touch him. [Tim leaves] |
| Michelle: | I'm sorry your party bombed out. |
| Randy: | I'm sorry you hurt your ankle. |
| Michelle: | Me too. When my Dad finds out about this, I'll never be able to go to another party again. |
| Randy: | Well, er, maybe we can hang out together 'cuz I'll never be invited to another party again. |
| Michelle: | I'd like to hang out with you. |
| Randy: | You would? |
| Michelle: | Yeah. But my Dad probably won't let me when he finds out I got hurt on your Dad's floor. |
| Randy: | Great. |
| [Tim comes back in and walks past the desk] |
| Tim: | Marge. [To Randy and Michelle] Great news, we can go right now. |
| Marge: | OK. Come with me, honey. |
| Tim: | Alright. I'll come back there and check on you in a minute. Thank you Marge. [To Randy] She's going to be just fine. They're good here. Some birthday, huh? |
| Randy: | It's a birthday I always dreamed of. Sitting around with a bunch of bleeding, infected people. |
| Tim: | Hey, day's not over. Maybe we can salvage it yet? |
| Randy: | Ah, there's no way you can salvage this one, Dad. I finally find out Michelle likes me, and now her Dad won't let me hang out with her. |
| Tim: | Let me talk to her Dad. He likes "Tool Time". He's got to understand that accidents happen. |
| Bob: | [Walks past pushing a buffer] Hey, Toolman! |
| Tim: | Hey, Bob. Hey, Bob! When you put a shine of a floor like this, how many coats of wax do you use? You gotta use, like sixteen? |
| Bob: | One. Only an idiot would do more than that. |
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| The Kitchen |
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| [Jill is playing with the figures on the top of Randy's cake. The doorbell rings and Jill gets up to answer it] |
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| Jill: | Oh, Mr Sandford, you're early. |
| Bert: | Well, after seeing your husband in his underwear, and your neighbour wandering around naked, I was a little concerned. Well it seems like everything is under control here. |
| Jill: | Here, right here. Yeah, everything's really under control. Want some cake? |
| Bert: | No, no. But I will take some punch if you don't mind? [Helps himself to a cup of punch] |
| Jill: | Um, you... [shrugs and lets him go ahead] |
| Bert: | Mmm. It's really very different. Make it yourself? |
| Jill: | Michelle helped. |
| Bert: | Oh, it tastes like she had a hand in it. |
| Jill: | Close. |
| Bert: | Where is Michelle? |
| Jill: | Michelle. |
| Bert: | My daughter. |
| Jill: | Well, um, the truth is she's had a little accident. |
| Bert: | Accident? |
| Jill: | No, really. She's OK. She's going to be back from the emergency room in a minute. |
| Bert: | Emergency room? |
| [The front door opens and Michelle comes in on a pair of crutches, followed by Tim and Randy] |
| Jill: | See look, there she is. She's fine. |
| Tim: | Hi. |
| Bert: | Sweetheart, are you alright? |
| Michelle: | I'm fine Daddy, it's just a sprain. |
| Tim: | Yeah, the doctor said it's a mild sprain. She should be OK in a couple of days. |
| Bert: | How'd this happen? |
| Tim: | It's the same old story, you know. Guy builds dance floor for son. Guy over waxes. Girl slips and hurts herself. Guy feels terrible. Girl's father forgives guy. |
| Bert: | 'Fraid not. |
| Tim: | I'm sorry, that's how the story goes! |
| Jill: | Look Mr. Sandford, it was just an accident. |
| Tim: | Like on "Tool Time", the show you like. Accidents. |
| Bert: | I like when the accidents happen to you, not to my daughter. |
| Randy: | Real smooth, Dad. |
| Bert: | I wish I'd followed my instincts. I shouldn't have let you stay for the party. |
| Michelle: | Dad, I'm fine. |
| Bert: | I should've taken you car shopping with me. |
| Tim: | What kind of car did you end up with? Gremlin, an AMC General? Maybe a Hornet? |
| Bert: | No, for your information, I collect Muscle cars. |
| Tim: | You? |
| Bert: | Yeah. What I'm really looking for is a Seventy GTO. |
| Tim: | Arrr! With a big block? |
| Bert: | Of course with a big block. And I'd love to find a convertible. |
| Tim: | Oh, [Makes several grunting noises] You're a car guy? |
| Bert: | Oh yeah, I like to take old pieces of junk and restore 'em to cherry. |
| Tim: | Honey, I think I'm in love. |
| Jill: | I won't stand in your way. |
| Tim: | I've got a Forty-Six Ford Convertible I'm trying to retro-fit into a Hot-Rod. |
| Bert: | You got a Forty-Six Ford Convertible? |
| Tim: | I do. Do you want to see it? |
| Bert: | I do. |
| Jill: | I now pronounce you, man and car guy. |
| Tim: | You want a classic goat, go for a Sixty-Nine Judge. Hard to find but a great investment. |
| Bert: | Oh, yeah. |
| Jill: | Well, would you like to have some cake? |
| Randy: | Yeah. |
| Michelle: | Sure. |
| Jill: | Randy, I am so sorry that your birthday worked out this way. You know, if you want, your father and I can make it up to you by taking you and a bunch of your friends to some kind of concert or something next week, you know. |
| Randy: | Why, is Lulu doing a world tour? |
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| The Basement |
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| [The basement is empty. The door opens at the top of the stairs. Tim comes in and hits his head on the pipe as he comes down the stairs. He goes over to the dance floor and puts his foot onto it] |
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| Tim: | This floor is not too slippery. Just how I like it. [Goes over to the side of the basement and puts on some music] Yeah, yeah. |
| [Tim starts dancing on the dance floor. The camera views from above as Tim does the splits and then focuses on his grimacing face. The dancing starts again and we see Tim, from above, break dancing. He finishes, turns off the music and walks over to the stairs. At the foot of the stairs, he grabs his right hip and limps up the staris] |
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| CREDITS |
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| On "Tool Time" |
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| Tim: | Perfect. So shiny you can see yourself in it. Take a look, Al. [Al leans over the polished floor and takes a look. We see the reflection of a werewolf in the floor as Al looks down] |
| Al: | Whoa! What kind of wax did you use on that? |
| Tim: | Wash and were-wolf. |
| Al: | Werewolf? |
| Tim: | [Points to the polished floor] There wolf. |
| [Al peers at the floor again and once more, we see the reflection of a werewolf (wearing flannel shirt) peering back at him. The reflection bays like a wolf] |
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| THE END |
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