Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

A House Divided

Episode No# 092
Written by:
Lloyd Garver, Bruce Ferber
Directed by:
Andy Cadiff
Transcript by:
Thomas B. Alb
Corrections should be sent to:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Guest Cast
Benny - Jim Labriola
Heidi - Debbe Dunning
Harry - Blake Clark
Sam - Ralph Manza
Episode begins in the Taylor House. Jill enters through the front door.
Jill: Hello-o! Anybody home? Tim?
Tim: I'm here.
Jill: Oh. [Jill puts down her purse and comes over to the kitchen. Tim is working underneath the sink] I picked up my application to graduate school. You know what? I have to write an essay on why I think I'd make a good psychologist. [The camera now takes in a little more of what Tim is working on: there is a combustion engine and a control panel with lots of instruments and switches inside the counter under the sink]
Tim: Well, that's easy. Just tell them you're the kind of person that'll give people advise, whether they want it or not.
Jill: Thank you so m-- [Jill sees the motor] What are you doing, Tim?
Tim: Just putting a little attachment on your garbage disposal.
Jill: Don't touch that, it's working fine!
Tim: Oh, it's working fine if you want to grind up normal stuff, [Tim gets up] which it doesn't do that well anyway. But I got a vision. I'm talking about real stuff: whole corn on the cob with the husk included, [Tim holds up a corncob] avocado pits, heck, avocado trees ought to go down this thing. Other tool guys ask, "Why?", this Tool Man asks, "Why not?"
Jill: This Tool Man's wife asks, "Why me?"
Tim: I'll show you why you. Just in case you need [Tim starts the engine...] extra power [...and dumps in four whole corn on the cob]
[Opening credits]
Cut to Harry's Hardware.
[A customer is just leaving the store. Al is sweeping up. Harry has a bag of peanuts lying on the counter]
Al: [To the customer] Thank you.
Harry: Hey Al, I wish you'd stop cleaning, you know, you're a partner, not a janitor.
Al: I know, but I don't mind. You see, I feel a tidy hardware store is a successful hardware store. Isn't that your philosophy?
Harry: In a nutshell. [Harry drops a couple of nutshells onto the floor in the area Al has just cleaned up. Tim enters]
Tim: Hey Harry.
Harry: Timmy.
Tim: Hi Al.
Al: Hi Tim, how are you?
Tim: Pretty good, buddy.
Al: Alright.
Tim: Alright. [Tim throws something out of his pocket onto the floor, again in the same area that Al just removed the nutshells from]
Harry: So what can I do for you?
Tim: I need a spark plug for my garbage disposal.
Harry: [Laughs] You put a gas engine in your disposal?
Tim: Yeah, you got a problem with that?
Al: What, are you gonna race it against other disposals? [Al laughs. Benny enters]
Tim: Benny.
Benny: Hey everybody. Tim, how are you doing?
Al: Benny, how are you?
Benny: Hi, Al. Hi Harry. Alright. [Benny comes over to where the coffee machine is and throws another piece of paper on the floor, then gets himself a coffee] Can you guys loan me a space heater?
Al: What for?
Benny: The furnace in my new residence has a gas leak. I don't have the means to get it fixed.
Harry: What kind of dump are you living in now?
Benny: For your edification, it's an eight-room house. One room I'm not sure what it is. It's got a lot of books in it.
Tim: The bathroom.
Al: You can't afford an eight-room house.
Benny: True. But my beloved aunt is in Florida for a few months. And while the aunt's away, the nephew will stay.
Tim: My guess is he won't pay.
Benny: And I'm comfy till May.
Al: Hey. A leaky gas valve can be very dangerous.
Tim: That's right, Benny, it really is.
Benny: Relax. We shut off weeks ago the gas.
Harry: So... that means you don't have any hot water?
Tim: That means... you can't take a shower?
Benny: Not to worry. I'll boil the water on my hot plate and give myself a nightly sponge bath.
Tim: Makes you glad you're not a sponge, huh? Wait a minute! We can help him out. Why don't we take a "Tool Time" crew over there and fix the furnace for that heating and cooling special we're doing on the show?
Al: That's a good idea.
Tim: Yeah.
Benny: And Tim, you yourself would do the repairs?
Tim: Yeah.
Benny: Forget it!
Tim: It's free.
Benny: I'm in!
Tim: Heheyeah. Um, I could schedule this Monday morning early, we're gonna be there about, er, six a.m.
Benny: Monday is not good for me. I got my gamblers anonymous meeting.
Al: Well, how about Tuesday?
Benny: Also no good. I'm going to the track.
Cut to Benny's aunt's house, outside.
[Benny is in a garden chair on the front lawn having breakfast and using a mobile phone. Heidi announces the show]
Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Benny: "Tool Time!"
Heidi: That's right, Binford Tools is on location, with Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. [Tim and Al come out of the house. The "Tool Time" music plays]
Tim: Thank you, Heidi. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor and you all know my assistant Al Borland. We're here on location at the Baroni home. [Benny waves towards the camera while eating with one hand and using the phone with the other]
Al: Our project today is fixing the gas furnace. And if we have time, maybe we'll fix this broken window pane, maybe put on some new gutters, maybe some new shutters...
Tim: Maybe we'll do a TV show. Maybe we'll call it "Tool Time". Maybe I'll be the host. And you'll be the humorless assistant.
Al: Maybe. But first, we should get to our leaky gas valve in the furnace.
Tim: Right. Well, with any kind of a gas leak, you want to make sure you shut the gas off to the home.
Al: Now the gas has been turned off in this house. Heidi here will show you how that was done.
Heidi: Alright, you're gonna take your crescent wrench, [Heidi takes the wrench and shows how to turn off the gas] and you're gonna turn the valve a quarter turn, so that the wrench is perpendicular to the pipe.
Tim: Thank you, Heidi.
Heidi: You're welcome, Tim.
Tim: Now, let's go take a peek... at our leak. Watch your step, buddy. Speaking of peaks, aren't those drawers a little tight on you, Al? [Tim and Al go to the basement door]
Cut to the basement.
[Tim and Al enter. Tim hits his head on the pipe above the stairs on his way down]
Tim: Ow! Ow!
Al: Well, here we are in the basement.
Tim: Good observation, Al! Maybe tomorrow, you can tell people what that big room upstairs is with the stove in it! Oh, gosh. [Tim is still holding his hand to the spot where he met with the pipe] I tell you. Alright, fixing that leaky valve involves taking the plate off of this old furnace here. I guess that sometimes these old furnaces are tough, [Tim tries to remove the front panel...] you know, you got... Oh boy... When they're old like this you reaaaly might want to [...and as it doesn't come off he uses a wrench for leverage. Al just lifts it up a bit and takes it off] Yeah, right, after I loosened that for you. Marv, if you get down here, we'll find that gas valve, [Tim shines a flashlight into the furnace looking for the gas valve] in these old ones they are waaay back and they're hard to see because sometimes they're [Al points the flashlight at the valve which is right in front of Tim] right there in front of you. Well there is that pesky little devil right there. Now, first thing you want to do, is loosen up the flexpipe connector with a 7/8 inch wrench. Alright. [Tim loosens the gas hose]
Al: Then you want to loosen the module control wires here. [Al plugs out the wires]
Tim: Then you wanna loosen up Al, with a stiff Martini.
Al: Simply unscrew the old gas valve, like that. [Al takes the valve out]
Tim: Right.
Al: Now we're ready for the new one, however, before we put this in, we want to seal the valve at both the gas inlet and outlet. And for that we need a special compound known as plumber's dope. Tim, where is the plumber's dope? [Tim picks up the plumber's dope and acts like he's drunken]
Tim: Hoo hoo, it's right here, ha-ha-ha-ha! Sorry I'm late. Oh, hi Al. Sorry I'm late, er, I thought the basement was upstairs! Hahhh hahhh hahhh!
Al: Alright. Well, once you've applied the plumber's dope, we're putting on our new gas valve and we're ready to reconnect the wiring. [Tim reconnects the wiring]
Cut to a little later.
Al: Alright, now we've reconnected the wiring.
Tim: Now all we have to do is reconnect Al. [Tim starts reconnecting Al, although we can't see the actual process]
Cut to a little later.
Tim: Now we've reconnected Al. Now let's see if the furnace is working.
Al: And for that, let's go to Heidi, and the gas cam.
Tim: Heidi, my gas please!
Cut to the "gas cam".
[Which shows Heidi turning the gas back on outside]
Heidi: Here you go, Tim.
Cut back to the basement.
Tim: Alright, we bypassed the thermostat upstairs with this little switch here, just flick it around, see if she goes. [The burner goes on] All ready to go. Now just put the panel back on... [Tim tries to put the panel back on]
Al: Now if you still have a problem, there's uh, many possibilities, that-- [As Tim doesn't succeed with putting on the panel even after a couple of tries he finally gives up and hands it over to Al]
Tim: These old furnaces sometimes are tough. When they put-- [Al puts the panel back on without having any difficulties] Well, that's all the time we have for today's show. Catch us next time when we're doing our salute [Tim and Al salute. In a feminine voice] "Hey you big lug, you let the seat up again!" [The sound of a toilet seat being lowered is heard] --
Tim & Al: -- to toilets.
Cut to the front yard.
[Benny, Al and Heidi are standing next to a table with donuts and hot drinks on it. The crew are already packing up the equipment]
Heidi: Hey that was a really great show, Al.
Al: Thank you, Heidi. You know, on these location "Tool Times" I feel like the audience really gets to see the real Al.
Heidi: Yeah.
Benny: If you don't zip up your fly, the real Al is gonna make a personal appearance! [Benny laughs and heads off towards the house]
Tim: Finish those donuts in a hurry, alright, the truck's almost packed up.
Al: No problem.
Heidi: Alright. [An old man (Sam) comes over from across the street]
Sam: Uh, excuse me. I, I'm from across the street. You're on that show, "Tool Time", aren't you?
Al: Yes we are.
Sam: You know, you're just as attractive in real life.
Al: [Thinking the old man is talking about him] Thank you. I try to stay fit.
Sam: I was talking to her.
Heidi: Thank you.
Sam: You're welcome. So er, what er, what brings you to the neighborhood?
Al: Well, we just fixed the leak in Mrs. Baroni's furnace.
Sam: Oh, good.
Al: Yeah.
Sam: Well, what about the leak in the stove?
Al: Well, we're uh, uh-- The stove?
Sam: That's why she shut off the gas before she left for Florida.
Al: BENNY! [Al runs over to Benny. The old man grabs a donut off the table and leaves] Did your aunt happen to mention that there's also a gas leak in the stove?
Benny: Maybe. It's hard to understand her when she's not wearing her teeth.
Al: Do you realize that there's the possibility that gas has been leaking into this house for the last half hour? The slightest spark could cause combustion.
Benny: Take it easy. I disconnected all the electrical appliances like you told me.
Al: Ah, good.
Benny: Except that lamp over there, [Benny points at a lamp right behind the window] but you don't have to worry. It's that kind that only goes on when you clap. [Tim comes over]
Tim: Come on guys, let's go! [Tim claps. They watch the lamp going on and run away and drop down very quickly, the moment they hit the ground the house explodes!]
Tim: Let me guess: there was another leak!
Al: The stove.
[Commercial break]
Cut to the Taylor House.
[Jill is talking on the phone. Brad, Mark and Randy run in from the backyard into the kitchen making a lot of noise. Brad opens a donut box on the counter]
Jill: Would everybody shut up! [To the phone] I'll have to get back to you. [Jill hangs up the phone] Guys! [Brad examines the donut box]
Brad: Hey. There's no donuts.
Randy: And you didn't buy any more?
Jill: Did it ever occur to you that I might not have time to fulfil all your snacking needs because there might be something more important going on in my life?
Brad: Yeah, right!
Jill: I'm trying to finish my application to graduate school. [Jill goes over to the table]
Randy: I thought you were already in graduate school.
Brad & Mark: Me too.
Jill: I can't believe you guys. I've been taking undergraduate courses since September. Do you have no idea what I've been doing at school? [Randy puts his arm on Jill's shoulder]
Randy: Well, your teacher didn't send home any notes. We assumed everything was fine.
Jill: Look, um, if you're not gonna care about my life, would you just not care about my life quietly for a few days?
Brad: You got it, Mom.
[Brad, Randy and Mark leave. Tim and Benny enter from the garage, arguing]
Tim: That's just how I see it, alright?
Benny: I don't care what you see, you blew up my house. [Benny is carrying a suitcase]
Tim: I didn't blow up your house!
Benny: Who clapped?
Tim: I've clapped a million times. That's probably the one thing I've done that hasn't caused an explosion.
Benny: Till now!
Jill: Hey guys, can you keep it down, please? [Tim and Benny head for the stairs]
Tim: Yeah, yeah, come on, buddy.
Benny: [As he walks past] Heya roomie. [Jill looks puzzled]
Jill: I beg your pardon???
Tim: Didn't I tell you I was gonna tell her?
Benny: Tim blew up my house. Need I say more?
Tim: I didn't blow up your house! I didn't blow up his house. There was a gas leak in his aunt's house, we were trying to fix it, and there was an explosion.
Jill: Oh, Benny, I'm so sorry.
Tim: So I said until we fi-figure out what we should do, he should stayyyheeeere?
Benny: Don't worry, Tim said he's gonna fix up the house better than new. And I won't be an imposition. You won't even know I'm here. [Benny goes over to the kitchen]
Jill: Exactly, how long won't we know that you're here?
Tim: A couple of days.
Benny: Indefinitely. [Benny takes something out of the refrigerator]
Cut to the next morning.
[The Taylors are having breakfast. Benny can be heard singing "Funiculi-funiculà" upstairs]
Tim: Well, either Benny's singing, or there is a sick cow in this house.
Brad: How come we're not eating eggs?
Tim: Benny ate them.
Mark: Or bacon?
Jill: Benny.
Randy: Toast?
Tim: Benny!
Jill: Who ties up the phone? Puts the dark laundry in with our whites? Sleeps all day, watches TV all night?
Tim: Benny.
Brad: Who do we want out of the house?
Everybody: Benny! [Mark gets up and takes his bowl over to the kitchen]
Mark: I don't know. I kind of like having Uncle Benny around.
Jill: "Uncle" Benny?
Mark: Yeah. He says when I'm twelve he's gonna take me to Vegas and get me comped.
Brad: Why did his house have to blow up?
Randy: Ask Mr. Claphappy. [Randy claps]
Tim: I didn't blow up the house!
Jill: Tim, you got to find him another place to stay.
Tim: I've tried to find him another place to stay. Harry won't take him, he just laughed at me and hung up the phone. I even called some sisters; they hung up on me.
Jill: His own sisters won't take him in?
Tim: No-no-no, I'm talking about the sisters at the perpetual mercy mission. [Benny comes down the stairs in a blue bath robe, singing]
Tim: Morning, Benny.
Benny: Hey Tim, I hope you don't mind. I borrowed your bath robe.
Jill: That's my bath robe.
Benny: I should have known, it feels so soft against my body. [Jill looks at Benny] I'll put it back.
Jill: Keep it.
Cut to the backyard, a little later.
[Tim comes climbing down a ladder that is standing against the house. Benny is inside doing some gymnastic exercises. When Tim reaches the bottom of the ladder he can see Benny bending forward. Tim turns away]
Tim: Ohhhhhhhhhhhah! [Wilson is in his backyard working on a painting; which mostly hides his face]
Wilson: Neighbor, are you O.K?
Tim: Oh yeah. I think I'll recover. I just saw something no human being should look at. [Wilson comes over to the fence] Benny Baroni doing pelvic thrusts.
Wilson: Whoa. I hope for his sake he doesn't get stuck in that position.
Tim: Hey, how would you like to have a room mate for a little while?
Wilson: Noohhh, no, Tim, these days I'd prefer the solitary lifestyle.
Tim: No, he's great, you'll love Benny. After his twelve square meals a day, he's happy as a clam.
Wilson: Well, you seem to be in quite a hurry to unload your crony Baroni.
Tim: He's driving my family crazy. But how do you kick a good friend out?
Wilson: Hm-hm... Especially after you blew up his house.
Tim: I didn't blow up the man's house!
Wilson: When does he move back in?
Tim: Well, it'll take Al and I a couple of weeks to fix that house. I got a problem.
Wilson: You know you wouldn't have a problem if you were an African buffalo weaver.
Tim: No kidding, I'd be in Africa weaving a buffalo!
Wilson: Hm-hm-hm-hm no no no-no-no Tim. See, the buffalo weavers are birds who nest communally, then when a nest is damaged, instead of one bird spending months trying to fix it, eight to ten birds working together can rebuild it in no time.
Tim: Perfect. Perfect. Now I just got to find a, a sparrow that spackles, a duck that can drywall, and uh, use some plaster of parrots.
Wilson: No Tim, what I'm saying is maybe you should try to find some birds of your own family.
Tim: [Grunting] Hey... Oh-ho-hohh. It'll be tough finding a duck that knows how to drywall. And who can afford the union duck. Her bill is enormous.
Cut to the hall, the next morning at five o'clock.
[Tim is already up, the rest of the family are coming down the stairs]
Tim: Come on, hustle up, come on, come on, come on!
Brad: Dad, why did we have to get up at five in the morning?
Tim: Because we're gonna do a little building today. Wilson and Heidi are wiring, Al and Harry drywall and carpeting, you guys are painting, your Mom and I are the windows.
Jill: Why do I have to go?
Tim: Think about it. The faster we get Benny into his house, the faster we get him out of... our house.
Jill: O.K., everybody move it, let's go, let's go, let's go.
Tim: Come on, come on, yeah.
Brad: Alright.
Tim: Move it, move it, move it.
Cut to Benny's house.
[Al, Harry and Tim are moving stuff off the truck into the house. Benny is sitting in a chair outside and is on the phone (again)]
Tim: Comfy, Benny?
Benny: I could use a throw pillow.
Tim: Hey Wilson. [Wilson is wearing a breathing mask]
Wilson: Hi-ho, Tim.
Tim: Having fun, guys? [The boys are painting the front porch area]
Brad: Oh. It's a dream come true.
Randy: Twelve straight hours of fixing a house that you barbecued.
Tim: I didn't blow up this house!
[There follows a montage of the Taylors, Wilson, Al, Harry and Heidi fixing the house during the day, set to "Funiculi-funiculà" from The Barber of Seville]
Cut to Tim and Jill putting in windows.
Cut to Heidi throwing a roll of masking tape up to Wilson who is working behind the window upstairs.
Cut to Harry and Al carrying a drywall panel into the house.
Cut to Randy screwing on the '8' of the house number.
Cut to Harry and Al carrying a toasted table out of the house.
Cut to Heidi throwing another object up to Wilson.
Cut to Benny and Mark playing cards. Mark seems to lose and goes to get up; Benny grabs his arm; Mark pulls some money out of his pocket and pays Benny.
Cut to Randy screwing on the '2' of the house number.
Cut to Al and Harry carrying another burned piece of furniture out of the house.
Cut to Brad painting the front door white.
Cut to Wilson spraying one of the upstairs window frames.
Cut to Jill and Tim putting in windows. Jill finishes screwing in a screw. Tim is going to clap, but Randy comes over to prevent him from doing that.
Cut to Benny sitting in his chair eating while Harry walks by carrying furniture. Harry considers saying something to Benny but decides not to do it and moves on.
Cut to Brad sitting on the front porch. He watches Heidi climbing up a ladder, then gets up and continues painting the front door, not noticing Randy coming out of it and thus painting Randy's face white. Brad turns around and Randy smiles at him.
Cut to Benny in his lawn chair taking a nap. Al comes by and takes a donut out of his hand and eats it.
Cut to Randy screwing on the final '0' of the house number.
Cut to later that day.
[It's already dark and Jill and Tim are standing outside looking at the fully restored house]
Tim: Well, we got Benny a place to stay, and maybe a new project house for "Tool Time". [They walk toward the house]
Jill: Oh I'm so tired, I think my feet are just gonna fall off.
Tim: I'll rub them when we get home.
Jill: Well, they've been in work boots for 18 hours. [Jill sits down on the ground]
Tim: I'll spray them for you. [Jill laughs]
Jill: You know, this has been fun today working together.
Tim: Yeah, it has.
Jill: I don't think that this whole day we had one argument with all this fixing and building.
Tim: That's cuz we're like sparrows that can spackle from Buffalo.
Jill: What?
Tim: You know what's important? That we're good at this. We should get a contractor's license and go on the road and do odd jobs for people.
Jill: Cool! Be together 24 hours a day.
Tim: Perfect!
Jill: Seven days a week.
Tim: Well great.
Jill: 365 days a year.
Tim: Oh my.
Jill: Sharing our innermost feelings.
Tim: Help me. [Jill laughs. Benny comes out of the house]
Tim: Hey Benny.
Jill: Hey Benny.
Benny: Hey guys. I just wanted to thank you for everything you did.
Tim: You're welcome, buddy.
Benny: Even though I'm not too crazy about the paint job. Can I pose upon you for a second coat? [Tim helps Jill up]
Tim: Bye, Benny.
Jill: Bye-bye. [Tim and Jill start to leave]
Benny: Maybe just a different color...
Cut to the Taylor kitchen.
[Tim enters carrying two bags of snacks, then opens the refrigerator and takes out a real big saussage, some vegetables, and a mustard bottle. He goes over to the counter by the sink and puts the things down he's holding, looks at the garbage disposal and spontaneously decides to test out its capabilities. He looks around to make sure nobody is around and pulls the starter cord on the engine below. He goes on with sticking in the zucchini, followed by the big sausage. Because the disposal was able to handle all that pretty well so far, after a short victory dance he looks around for something else to test it with: Jill's rolling pin that is lying on the counter behind, a hockey stick out of the garage, and almost a whole tree out of the backyard. After the tree part is swallowed Tim picks up a sponge and carefully cleans everything up]
Episode finale: Clips are shown from occurances throughout the episode when Tim says that he didn't blow up Benny's house.
1. When Tim and Benny first enter through the garage door:
Tim: I didn't blow up your house!
2. From Tim's talk with Wilson:
Tim: I didn't blow up his house!
3. From the breakfast scene:
Tim: I didn't blow up the man's house!
4. From the arrival scene again when Tim and Benny walk past the dinner table:
Tim: [To Benny] I didn't blow up your house! [To Jill] I didn't blow up his house.
5. Clip No. 2 is shown again.
Tim: I didn't blow up his house!
6. And again the part after Tim and Benny came in through the garage door, but this particular part wasn't used during the episode.
Tim: Come on, I didn't blow up your house.
Benny: Who clapped?
Clip from the breakfast scene after Randy says "Ask Mr. Claphappy" and claps, but this time seen from another camera angle.
Clip from the scene in Benny's front yard when Tim claps and the lamp inside comes on. Tim, Al and Benny take cover as the house explodes. After the explosion is over they turn back and look at the house.

Valid XHTML 1.0 Transitional Valid CSS We rated with ICRA We rated with Safe Surf