Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

Don't Tell Momma

Episode No# 076
Written by:
Rosalind Moore, Howard J. Morris
Directed by:
Andy Cadiff
Transcript by:
Corrections should be sent to:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Guest Cast
Eddie - Tom LaGrua
Scotty - Daniel Bryan Cartmell
Episode begins on the "Tool Time" set during a broadcast.
Tim: Today, Al and I are talking about cranes.
Al: A subject very near and dear to my heart.
Tim: Al is kind of a crane-nut.
Al: Yes, Tim, I am. As a matter of fact, after my stint in the Navy, I spent a year as a licensed crane operator. I've lifted some mighty heavy loads in my day.
Tim: [Tim shakes his head] You make this so easy.
Al: Even before that, as a youngster, I used to build model cranes, and I ended up with quite an eclectic collection. Marv, d'you want to come in and get a closer look at all this? [Camera scans Al's model crane collection on the bench] Now, I have to say I'm especially proud of my first crane. Spent the better part of sixth grade diligently crafting it. It's made entirely out of popsicle sticks.
Tim: [Mouths but doesn't actually say:] Wow! [Speaks] Well, enough said, Al. Anyway, tomorrow on a special live edition of "Tool Time", we're going to watch the actual operation of a real 25 ton, hydraulic truck crane.
Al: That's right. We're gonna teach you the key of using a crane. It takes teamwork, and communication using hand signals.
Tim: Right now, we're going to demonstrate a little of that using these models here. The crane operator sits inside the cockpit here. [Points at one of the models] Now the signal man is over by the Porta-Potty. That'll be you, you go over there.
Al: Alright, well let's see just how well non-verbal communication can work. [Tim starts playing with the toy crane] Tim!
Tim: Beep, beep, beep, beep.
Al: Tim, Tim, Tim. What do you do when I do this? [Al taps the top of his hard hat]
Tim: You yell COME ON IN.
Al: No, that means to use the main hoist.
Tim: Yeah, Yeah.
Al: Alright, what does it mean when I do this? [Al makes circular motions above his head with his right hand]
Al: NO! It means to hoist the main load. Didn't you study the manual at all?
Tim: A real man doesn't need a manual.
Al: Alright, if you're so smart, show me the hand signals for swinging the crane.
Tim: Hello! Poom. [Tim stands to his right, and makes a couple of exaggerated hand signals which result in him hitting Al's popsicle stick crane and smashing it to pieces] Sorry Al. Er, I guess that's it for the hand signals.
Al: Actually Tim, I do have another hand signal for you, but it's not in the manual.
[Opening credits]
Living Room
[Mark gets up from the table where he has been eating his breakfast]
Mark: Aren't you going to eat breakfast, Mom?
Jill: No, honey, I have a test this week. Whenever I have a test, I get so anxious I lose my appetite.
Mark: That stinks.
Jill: No it's great. Going back to college is like a built in diet plan. I could be a size six by mid-terms.
[Brad and Randy come running into the living room]
Brad: See ya, Mom.
Jill: Hold it right there! Up against the wall! Spread 'em!
Brad: Mom!
Jill: Just hand over the rubber band shooters now. I know you have 'em.
Brad: Man!
Jill: [To Randy] You too, Baby Face.
Randy: Hey, I'm not packin' a piece, Mom. I'm not.
Jill: I told you guys to stop making these. [Starts delving in Randy's bag]
Brad: Well, we need 'em for protection against Vinnie McGurn.
Jill: Look, if you have trouble just tell the bus driver.
Randy: He's more afraid of him than we are.
Jill: Have a good day.
[Tim is visible in the garage from the living room]
Tim: Jill, do you realise there's mud on your license plate holder?
Jill: Stay away from my car.
Tim: And what's this weird mark on the door? [Jill looks up, worried.]
Jill: What mark?
Tim: Looks like a scratch someone tried to cover up.
Jill: Oh, that. I got a little scratch on the car and I touched it up.
Tim: [Comes into the living room] Touched it up with what?
Jill: You know. Touch up stuff.
Tim: What kind of touch up stuff?
Jill: Nail polish.
Tim: Nail polish? You trying to kill me?
Jill: Oh, come on Tim. It matched perfectly. Red passion delight.
Tim: What are you using for a dipstick? Your lipstick?
Jill: Tim, it was just a teeny, tiny scratch on the bottom of the door. Somebody nicked me at the grocery store.
Tim: Didn't you park where no-one else could park next to you? Row 3, slot 12.
Jill: I am so sorry. I lost that book you made me. Guide to parking spaces in lower Michigan.
Tim: Where are your keys?
Jill: What for?
Tim: After I do that location "Tool Time" shoot, I take it to my body shop guy.
Jill: No, it's my car. I don't want you to take it. [Tim picks up Jill's purse] Get your hands off my purse! [Tim drops the purse]
Tim: Just use the Mustang.
Jill: Tim, just leave it alone. I'm fine with my car the way it is. Mind your own business.
Tim: You know what's going to happen? That scratch is going to rust. That rust'll cause corrosion which'll eat away at the car - which'll in turn will eat away at me, leaving me a sad, pathetic, worthless man who just sits around the house moaing "My car is wearing make-up, my car has got make-up."
Jill: Just take the keys. [Throws the keys onto the table] Oh, and while you're out, pick me up some green eye-shadow. I noticed a nick on your lawn mower and I want to touch it up.
The Construction Site
[Tim drives the station-wagon onto the Construction Site]
Tim: [To himself as he drives in] She puts nail polish on the Nomad! - I told her this is a classic car, a classic.
Al: [Calling to Tim as he drives by] Tim, Tim! Where have you been? We go on the air live in two minutes. Come on.
Tim: I know. I got into an argument with Jill. [Gets out of the car and points to the scratch] She scratched the car and tried to fix it herself.
Al: Looks like a pretty good match. What is that? Red passion delight? Scotty! This is Tim. Scotty. He's our job site foreman.
Tim: Good to meet you Scotty.
Scotty: Good to meet you Tim. I watch your show every day.
Tim: Good. Do I get to run that baby? [Gestures towards the crane]
Scotty: No. Like I said, I watch your show every day. Al, it's a pleasure to have you here as guest crane operator.
Al: Thank you. I hope to make my former colleagues in local 324 proud.
Floor manager: Ok guys, stand by, we're going live. Here we go. Five, four, three ["Tool Time" music begins]
Tim: Hi, and welcome to a special live edition of "Tool Time". Today, we're going to show you the operation of a 25 ton, hydraulic truck crane. Arrr, arrr, arrr, arrr, arrr.
Al: That's right Tim. We're going to be using this crane to pick up and set a three ton beam which will be used as a diagonal brace. Also known as a kicker.
Tim: So you could call this a kicker, picker-upper.
Al: I don't think so, Tim. Now why don't I hop in the cab here and we'll get things started.
Tim: But before you do, let me jump inside and show our viewers some of the controls.
Al: Tim, maybe I should be...
Tim: Hold on a minute. Marv, as long as your up here, let's get a close idea. Look at these controls in here. Let me show you some of this stuff. Now this lever here swings the entire crane back and forth, right Al?
Al: That's right Tim, but don't touch it. Now get out of the cab, and I will raise the beam.
Tim: Well since I'm in here, I can't think of any reason why I shouldn't raise the beam.
Al: I can think of about three hundred.
Tim: This is the lever right here that'll raise the beam, right?
Al: Yes that's it, that's right, but don't. No, Tim.
Tim: I'm doin' it, I got it, I got it. [The beam starts to raise] I'm beamin' up Scotty! OK, Al. Now what?
Al: OK, hit the foot brake. Lock the beam in place. Right now. OK. Now get out of the cab. Tim's getting out of the cab, and I'm going to move the beam right into place. Er, as you're going out, be careful you don't hit the brake release with your foot.
Tim: This is the lever that'd swing the beam?
Al: Yes it is, but [Tim moves the lever, and Al falls off the front of the crane] TIM!!
Tim: [Getting up from the seat in the crane cab] Al, are you alright.
Al: Marv, lookout! [The crane swings again. Marv (the cameraman) is knocked off the side of the crane] Tim! You're foot! Don't hit the brake release!
Tim: [Leans forward out of the cab] What? [Sits back down, hitting the brake release]
[The beam drops from the crane landing squarely on top of Jill's car, the beam running front to back. The camera zooms in on Tim who removes his hard hat and holds it over his heart as a lament begins to play]
Taylor House - inside the front door
[The door opens slowly and Tim peers around it. Slowly he enters. Brad and Randy appear from the kitchen. The camera pulls back to take in more of the kitchen area]
Tim: Hi, guys. Is your Mom home?
Brad: Yeah, she's upstairs studying.
Tim: Do you think she saw "Tool Time" today?
Randy: No, I don't think so.
Tim: Great!
Brad: But we did.
Randy: Hey, don't worry Dad. Mom's always wanted a compact car.
Tim: You guys didn't tell her did you?
Randy: No. We thought it'd be more fun to watch you tell her.
Tim: Well, you might have to wait a little bit cuz I'm not going to tell her for a while.
Brad: I don't know. Mom's pretty smart. As the weeks go by, she's gonna notice she doesn't have a car.
Randy: And when she does, you'll have to tell her you totalled it.
Tim: No, no, no. It's a classic. You don't really total a classic. I can rebuild it from the existing parts, you know. Until I figure out how long that's going to take me, I don't think we should tell Mom.
Randy: OK. And we also don't have to tell her we got kicked off the bus today. [Brad and Randy go into the garden]
Tim: Wait a minute. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! [Tim follows the boys out] Wha'd'ya mean you got kicked off the bus?
Brad: Well, let's just say there was an unfortunate incident involving some glue, and Vinnie McGurn's butt crack.
Randy: As of three o'clock, he's closed for business.
Tim: Guys, as much as I appreciate a practical joke, [laughs] and this one's a good one, you know this has been bothering your Mom and I. I can't let you get away with this. I gotta tell her about this.
Randy: OK. Then I guess we have to tell her what we saw on "Tool Time".
Tim: I'm not making a deal here.
Brad: Well, here comes Mom.
Tim: [Grimaces] Deal. [Goes back indoors]
Jill: Oh hi. Did you take my car to the body shop?
Tim: Yes I did.
Jill: Well, how does it look?
Tim: Well, you know I tell you what. You can't even notice the scratch.
Jill: Good, I'll be glad to have it home again.
Tim: It's going to take a little longer than I thought.
Jill: Oh, no. You're not going to have them do a bunch of other stuff to it are you?
Tim: No. Just fixing what's wrong with it. When you get it back, it'll be like a whole new car.
Jill: Oh, um, I didn't get to see your location "Tool Time" though. How'd it go?
Tim: Great. Tremendous.
Randy: Smashing!
[Commercial break]
Living Room
[Brad and Randy are head-banging on the couch accompanied by loud music. There are bags of popcorn and snacks on the table. Jill enters]
Jill: Hey guys, turn it down. TURN IT DOWN! [Brad turns the music down] Have you seen my Abnormal Psychology book. I need it for my test and I can't find it anywhere.
Brad: Well, don't try telling the teacher that. Believe me it never works.
Jill: I had it at school at the library on Monday. I brought it home. Oh no, it's got to be in the car.
Brad: The station wagon?
Jill: Yeah. Guys I'm going to go down to the body shop.
Brad: Mom!
Randy: No, no don't do that
Brad: I don't think the book is in the station wagon. I saw Mark with it.
Jill: What would Mark be doing with my Abnormal Psychology book?
Randy: He might be trying to figure out what's wrong with him.
Jill: [Calls out] MARK! Have you seen my psych. book?
Mark: Yeah. I saw it in the station wagon.
Jill: Just stay here, lock the doors and be nice to Mark.
Brad: Mom, I'm serious it's not...
The Office at the Body Shop
[Jill enters]
Eddie: Oh hi, can I help you?
Jill: Oh yeah, I'm Jill Taylor. My husband brought my station wagon here and I just need to get a book out of it.
Eddie: Oh yes. We'll be putting in a lot of overtime on your job.
Jill: Overtime? For that little thing?
Eddie: Boy, I'd like to know what you'd consider a big thing?
Jill: Oh please, I've done way more damage than that.
Eddie: Really. Let me give you one of my cards and please, you feel free to call me anytime.
Jill: Well, after we've finished with this body work, I don't think I'm going to be needing any more. How long do you think it's going to be?
Eddie: Best case scenario: a year.
Jill: A year?
Eddie: Hey, we're really busy.
Jill: No look. I think that there's been come kind of mistake. My car is the red Chevvy Nomad.
Eddie: No mistake.
Jill: This makes no sense. Look, can I just see my car?
Eddie: Well of course. Sure, it's right through here. [Gets up and leads into the garage]
The Body Shop Garage
[Jill enters and is immediately confronted by the wreckage of her car]
Jill: [Takes a huge intake of breath and puts her hands up to her mouth] Oh my God, I don't believe it. My car, MY CAR.
Eddie: You know, I have some good news. I think I see your book down there. Yeah, it's wedged, it's - like, under the dashboard.
Tim: [Tim enters the garage as Jill bends down to retrieve the book] Eddie, Eddie. The kids called. Said my wife is down here looking for a book she lost. I gotta get it out of the car.
Eddie: Well, actually Tim.
Tim: I got no time. If she sees the car, she's going to kill me. I gotta get that book, right.
Jill: You mean this book? [Jill stands up holding a book with a gear stick sticking out of it]
Tim: [To Eddie] She's here. [To Jill] Hi.
Jill: How did you do this to my car?
Eddie: You said she did it.
Tim: That's not what I said.
Eddie: Yes you did. Don't you remember you said she parked it under a crane and a three ton beam fell on it.
Tim: You're killin' me here Eddie.
Eddie: Oh sure, I get it. Everybody always blames the Body Shop guy. [Starts to walk away] Next you'll be telling her I dropped the beam on it.
Jill: OK, let me get this straight. First, you give me a hard time because I get a little teeny scratch on the door. Then you let somebody drop a building on it? Not only do you not tell me about any of this but you tell other people that it was my fault!
Tim: It could've been your fault.
Jill: What?
Tim: Maybe that scratch weakened the entire structure of this car
Jill: That is such a crock!
Tim: Look, look. This could've happened to anybody.
Jill: Yeah, anybody who parked under a crane. And what kind of a crane operator drops a three ton beam anyway? You know, we should just sue that jerk for all he's worth.
Tim: Oh, we don't wanna do that.
Jill: Why not?
Tim: You married him.
Jill: Oh no. You did this? You mean we gotta pay for this?
Tim: I'm sure we got some beam droppage thing in our insurance.
Jill: Tim, why couldn't you just leave my car alone? Why do you have to obsess about a stupid little scratch. This is just a car. It's a hunk of metal used to haul kids to soccer practice.
Tim: This is not a hunk of metal. [Turns and looks at the hunk of metal] This used to be a classic.
Jill: It looks like a giant hot dog bun.
Wilson's Garden
[Wilson is sat on a stool, facing away from the camera, warbling. The camera pans up and looks over into the Taylor garden where we see Tim]
Tim: Wilson, swallow a pigeon?
Wilson: No Tim. I'm ululating.
Tim: [Peering over the fence] I didn't know men could do that.
Wilson: No, no, no Tim. Ululating is a Middle Eastern custom expressing joy and sorrow.
Tim: What are you expressing now?
Wilson: Sorrow, because I can't ululate.
Tim: If you want sorrow, I'll give it to you. Jill's car had an unfortunate accident.
Wilson: Really, what happened?
Tim: Let's just say it involves a three ton beam, a crane and me.
Wilson: Say no more.
Tim: It started with such a simple idea. I just wanted to fix this little scratch on her car. Boom, bing, things drop and now she's in there and calling me, says I'm obsessive.
Wilson: Well, were you obsessive?
Tim: She doesn't know what it takes to make a great finish on a car. That's all it is, you know. There's two or three coats of acrylic lacquer, followed by a color seal between each coat. Get a good two coats of base clear on there. Seventeen hours of me sanding that thing. It's got to air dry for a couple of weeks just to get the image right. You pound it down with some wax, you bring it up to shine, you buff it up, baby you can see yourself in that thing.
Wilson: Tim, do you know what obsessive means?
Tim: I just wanted her paint to be perfect. There's nothing wrong with that. Don't tell me anything like that.
Wilson: Well, what's wrong with it is Jill's inside not talking to you, and you're out here talking to me.
Tim: Yeah, that is a little problem.
Wilson: You know Tim, there's an old folk saying. Obsessions are like fire and water. Good servants, but bad masters. See the point is: do you rule your obsession, or does your obsession rule you?
Tim: You know, between you and me, I don't think she knows how deep my love affair with cars really goes.
Wilson: What do you mean?
Tim: When we were dating, we'd go to the drive-in and she thought we were going there to make out. Actually I was going there to check out the other cars. That would get me excited, then we would make out.
Wilson: Tim, I'm going to keep this under my hat.
Living Room
[Jill is sat at the table, Tim comes in from the garden]
Tim: Hi. How's your studying going?
Jill: Fine. Except I have a test in three days and a book that I can see through.
Tim: Maybe it'll be an open book test.
Jill: Ha, ha, ha.
Tim: I know I get crazy about cars, you know. My car, your car, anybody's car. But it's, it's like Bad Masterson said. You can't get obsessed the way old people drive through water, if their servants are on fire.
Jill: No, I guess you can't.
Tim: You know what we should do is buy you a new car.
Jill: A new car?
Tim: Yeah. Anything you want. Promise you won't hear a peep out of me.
Jill: Even if I want a boring station wagon with no options?
Tim: Peep, peep.
Jill: That's what I thought. No I would rather just wait for the Nomad to be fixed.
Tim: I thought it was just a hunk of metal you didn't like.
Jill: I didn't mean it when I said that, I was upset. Actually, I love the Nomad. I like it when I pull up to stoplights and those car guys are there. They always rev their engines. Then I rev my engine - and waste 'em off the line.
Later on in the Living Room
[Tim is on the telephone poring over a large document - his insurance policy]
Tim: Lenny, I got the insurance policy right in front of me. No, I'm sure there's got to be a clause in here covering beam droppage or something. Look, go back to that section, what is it, 29, 29b. Yeah. Alright, the soup-up clause. The part that covers me for personal injury due to personal negligence. Keep lookin'. Droppin' a beam on a car's got to be in there. And if by some chance it's not, you should put it in. Cuz you never know when something like that could happen. [Pause] You saw the show.
[Outtakes, Tim and Jill are sat at the table]
Jill: Tim, it doesn't matter whether I've got the Nomad or some new car, you're still going to be on my case.
Tim: No, I won't. Even if you park the new car under a [starts to laugh]
[Beep. Cut.]
Tim: Even if you do something as crazy as parking a new car under a tree filled with just fed pigeons [laughs]

Valid XHTML 1.0 Transitional Valid CSS We rated with ICRA We rated with Safe Surf