Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

A Marked Man

Episode No# 099
Written by:
Jon Vandergriff
Directed by:
Peter Filsinger
Transcript by:
Corrections should be sent to:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Guest Cast
Harry - Blake Clark
Heidi - Debbe Dunning
Herself - Deb Selby
Himself - Steve Selby
Customer - Jay Lacopo
Episode begins on the "Tool Time" set.
Tim: Welcome back to "Tool Time." Our guest today is the 1994 Illinois state champion for Husband Calling.
Al: And for those of you who don't know what that is, it is a contest to see who can call their spouse the loudest.
Tim: Ladies and Gentlement, let's give a big warm welcome to Deb Selby. [Deb comes onto the set to rapturous applause] Welcome to the show, Deb.
Deb: Thanks Tim.
Al: Well, can you tell us something about a husband calling contest?
Deb: A husband calling contest is like a hog calling contest only in this case, the hog is your husband.
Tim: OK, let me try to get this straight. Your husband's out in the back forty in the pole barn greasing up a chassis on an old tractor. You want to get his attention, what do you do?
Deb: I holler at him like this. [Yelling at the top of her voice] Stevey!! I love you, Steven, get in here right now!!
Tim: So, how long have you and [shouts] Stevey! been married?
Deb: Eleven years. That's my husband, Steve, sitting up in the audience.
Tim: Hey Steve, you're married eleven years - you still can't tune her out?
Steve: Huh?
Tim: I can tune out any woman, any time, as long as I'm watching sports. My wife can be yellin' right in my ear, I can watch sports all night, I can come up with scores, everything.
Al: Would you like to prove that?
Tim: Sure.
Al: Well, bring out the sports channel, see if he can tune out Deb.
Tim: What do you think about that challenge, huh? [The audience applaud and call out "Yes"] Heidi, bring out the TV. [Heidi wheels out a large TV]
Heidi: There you go, Tim.
Al: [Switches on the TV with the remote control] There you go, Tim. PGA golf. [Tim begins to watch the TV]
Deb: [Again, yelling at the top of her voice, right in Tim's ear] Timmy!! Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy. [We see the sound man taking his headphones off and holding them at arm's length]
Al: Alright, Tim. Well, what did the announcer say?
Tim: What?
Al: The announcer - what did he say?
Deb: This always happens to Steve. He gets a ringing in his ears.
Tim: You're not singing in my rear.
[Opening credits]
Harry's Hardware Store
[Al is counting nails into a cardboard box]
Al: Ninety-four, ninety-five, one hundred and ninety-six galvanised nails.
Harry: Al, who cares how many nails we got?
Al: To run an efficient business, you should have an accurate inventory. [Harry pours a whole load of nails from a bucket into the box Al has just counted, then walks away] When was the last time you counted everything in this store?
Harry: Oh, let's see, including yesterday...never.
Al: [Starting to count the nails again] One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten...
Harry: Thirteen, twelve, forty-five, twenty-eight, hundred and five, forty.
Brad: [Brad, Mark and Randy come into the store followed by Tim] 'Sup Harry.
Harry: Hey, hey guys. How're you doin'? How are you? Hey Mark, howdy. So, what can I do for you today, Tim?
Tim: What?
Harry: Still having trouble with your hearing?
Tim: Herring? I hate fish. When'd you start selling fish? Oooh.
Brad: The doctor said his hearing would be coming back any day.
Randy: Yeah, we came here to get a hacksaw blade, Harry.
Harry: Oh, aisle three.
Tim: What?
Randy: Aisle three!
Tim: So go pee! Are the hacksaw blades where they usually are?
Brad: Check out this Swiss Army knife.
Tim: You know what that thing is? That's a Swiss Army knife.
Randy: Wow, it's got a magnifying glass, corkscrew, can-opener.
Al: That's right. Tweezers and a nail file.
Harry: Yeah, for Al's mid-afternoon pedicure.
Brad: I'd give anything to have a knife this cool.
Randy: Yeah, me too, but where we going to get ninety-five bucks?
Brad: We could sell Mark.
Mark: Hey!
Randy: Where we going to get the other ninety?
Tim: Harry, I'll just take this one here. [waving a hacksaw blade pack] Gotta run. Gotta get the boys to soccer practice.
Harry: OK, I'll put it on your tab.
Tim: I don't need a cab, I got a car right out front.
Harry: How about I charge you double?
Tim: You're right. Al does look like Barney Rubble. [The Taylors leave the shop and the camera zooms in on the case which held the Swiss Army knife, but which is now empty]
The "Tool Time" Set
[Tim walks onto the set as Heidi is moving the workbench into position]
Heidi: Hi Tim. You get your hearing back?
Tim: What?
Heidi: [Louder] Did you get your hearing back?
Tim: Yes, I got my hearing back. Is Al here?
Heidi: Erm, I think he's backstage. Are you gonna need your cutters?
Tim: Both sets please.
Heidi: OK.
Tim: [Turns and hollers to Al, mimicking the calls of Deb Selby] Albert! Albert Albert Albert Albert Albert!
Al: [Al appears from backstage] What? What's the matter?
Tim: Nothing. Nothing. I was just practising for next year's Sidekick-calling contest.
Al: Er, actually Tim, there's something I need to talk to you about. It's about yesterday. After you left the hardware store, I... I noticed a little something was missing.
Tim: Thank you, Al. I do kind of light up a hardware store don't I.
Al: I, er, actually you know that Swiss Army knife your boys were admiring?
Tim: Yeah.
Al: It's gone.
Tim: You're not suggesting one of my boys stole it are you?
Al: Noooo, but knives don't just get up and walk off on their own.
Tim: Well, maybe Harry stole it?
Al: Why would Harry steal a pocket knife from his own store?
Tim: To collect the insurance.
Al: You know this was not easy for me to bring up...and I turned that store upside down looking for that, that darned thing, and, and well the fact is it was there when you guys came in and when you left was gone.
Tim: Well, I know kids steal things, but my boys steal from you and Harry? Come on.
Al: Things like that happen. Let me tell you a story about my uncle's grocery store. I was holding my mother's hand...
Tim: And this was yesterday?
Al: I was seven years old.
Tim: Oh.
Al: And she went off to look for the children's appetite suppressant and on the shelf was a cookie, and I stole it, and I ate it.
Tim: OK so, you're saying ... you think one of my kids ate that knife.
Taylor House Living Room
[Tim enters through the front door as Jill is folding some washing]
Jill: Hi, Sweetie, how was your day?
Tim: Where are the boys?
Jill: Outside. [Tim opens the door to the garden and goes outside]
Jill: [To herself, while she carries on folding washing] And how was my day? It was great, I went to school, I was real interesting, I came home, I washed the floor, I did the laundry, I had an affair.
Tim: [Comes back in from the garden] I can't see 'em. Who you talkin' to?
Jill: Evidently, myself.
Tim: Al thinks one of the boys might have stolen a knife from the hardware store.
Jill: Why would they steal a knife?
Tim: Not a knife, a Swiss Army knife. This is the reason the Swiss Army is the force they are today. It's got a magnifying glass, a corkscrew, a toothpick.
Jill: In case they get attacked by wine stewards with spinach in their teeth?
Tim: Is this funny to you?
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: [Calls to the boys who have appeared in the garden] Boys, come in here, I want to talk to you.
Brad, Randy, Mark: Alright.
Jill: Tim, you really think our boys would steal something from Al?
Tim: No, but Al does, and he's not the type of guy that goes round accusing people. [The boys come running into the living room, Brad kicking a football]
Brad: Yo Dad. What's going on?
Mark: Hey!
Tim: Alright, saddle up for a minute. Erm, Al couldn't find that Swiss Army knife you guys were looking at yesterday. Do you have any idea who might have taken it?
Randy: You know, maybe Harry took it - to collect the insurance money.
Tim: Where do you come up with these ideas?
Jill: Nobody's accusing anybody of anything, but, if you know anything about this, this is a good time to tell us what you know.
Brad: I know I didn't take it.
Randy: Me either.
Mark: Wasn't me.
Tim: Brad. You always wanted one of these things.
Brad: Yeah. So's Randy. If somebody took it, it was probably him.
Randy: Yeah, right! You're the thief. You're the one who took Dad's hot rod magazine with the babes on the cover.
Tim: What! The bevy of beauties from Chevvy. You got that issue?
Brad: Well, Randy took Mom's Victoria Secret catalogue.
Tim: That's mine too.
Jill: Can we get back to the knife?
Brad: Look, we didn't take it, alright.
Randy: How many times do we have to tell you.
Jill: OK, fine. OK, fine. Just go back outside, it's alright. [The boys return to the garden]
Tim: Do we believe 'em?
Jill: I hope they didn't take it. They said they didn't take it. Here you make yourself useful, I gotta take this upstairs.
Tim: Yes, but do we trust the kids who would take their Dad's Victoria Secrets catalogue?
Jill: I'm more worried that their Dad is the one getting the Victoria Secret catalogue. What are you wearing under there?
Tim: A beautiful camisole and a silk thong. [Tim and Jill carry the baskets of washing upstairs]
Randy and Mark's Bedroom
[Tim and Jill enter with the washing baskets]
Tim: The only reason I buy those magazines is to read the articles.
Jill: Huh. Right.
Tim: You know if anybody stole that, it was probably Brad. Except did you notice Randy couldn't even look me right in the eye?
Jill: That's cuz you got some schmutz on your nose. [Wipes Tim's nose]
Tim: Schmutz?
Jill: Yeah, schmutz. [Tim opens one of the drawers in Randy's desk]
Jill: What are you doing?
Tim: Dusting. [Starts flicking a duster around the drawer]
Jill: In the drawer?
Tim: Very dusty in here. Look at this.
Jill: You are searching their rooms. I'm not going to stand by and let you do that. That is an invasion of the boys' privacy. My Mother used to do that to me when I was growing up. I really, really, really hated it. Way she did it was so sneaky too.
Tim: What'd she do? Maybe there was something she did we could use.
Jill: No. it was really stupid. I'd catcher her looking in my desk drawer and she'd pretend that she was putting my underwear away. No, if I start searching their rooms, I might as well just turn right into my Mother.
Tim: [Winces] Don't even joke about that.
Jill: I am not going to become a snoopy parent who doesn't trust their kids. [Tim starts looking behind things on the shelf] Tim! Oh dear, I keep telling Mark not to put his dirty laundry back into his drawer. [Takes a pair of jeans out of the drawer]
Tim: Other guys do that. [Turns to walk out of the room. As Jill closes the drawer, something falls out of the jeans onto the floor. Tim stops and turns around] Specially guys that just stole a pocket knife. [Picks up the knife]
[Commercial break]
Living Room
[Mark comes in from the garden as Tim and Jill return from upstairs. Mark takes an apple out of the fruit bowl on the table]
Tim: [To Jill] No, no, no, I'll handle this.
Mark: Hi
Tim: Hi Mark. Ya havin' an apple?
Mark: Yeah.
Tim: I like apples when they're peeled. But to peel an apple, what would you need? You'd need a...a knife wouldn't ya. [Mark nods] Hmm, boy. Oh, wait a minute. I got one. I'll just peel that one for you. [Takes the knife out of his pocket and holds it up in front of Mark] Use this knife here, huh?
Mark: Um, maybe I'll have a banana.
Tim: And maybe you'll sit down.
Jill: Mark, we found the knife in your pants' pocket. Why did you do this? W...What do you have to say?
Tim: Who cares what he has to say. You stole something. Then he lied about it. He sat there and let me yell at your brothers and take the rap for you. You're grounded for... indefinitely now.
Jill: Now Tim, wait. Uh, before you start doling out the punishment, [opens the back door] I think you and I should discuss this first.
Mark: I'm with Mom.
Tim: You stole from two of my best friends. They're like family to you. Is this how you treat these guys?
Mark: Dad, I'm sorry.
Tim: Forget about sorry! It doesn't work right now, pal!
Jill: Will you just calm down, stop yelling.
Tim: I have a right to yell. My kid's a rotten little thief. That's what you turned into, just a rotten...[Mark gets up and runs off upstairs] Oh, wait a second, where are you goin'. I'm not finished with this thing yet.
Jill: Why'd you do that? You called your own son a rotten little thief.
Tim: That's what he is.
Jill: He is not rotten. He has never done anything even remotely like this. You didn't have to scream. You scared him half to death.
Tim: Well, maybe that's good. Next time he thinks about stealing something, he's gonna think twice about it.
Jill: I hate when you do this. The kids do something, you over-react.
Tim: No, you under-react.
Jill: I do not under-react! You go overboard.
Tim: And you go under-board.
Jill: There's no such word as under-board. [There's a pause] And since when are you the only one that makes decisions around here? I thought that we were in this parenting thing together.
Tim: Well, somebody had to deal out the punishment, and it certainly wasn't going to be you.
Jill: Oh, I see, I see. So you deal out the punishment and then I'm the one who has to stay home and enforce it.
Tim: You wanna work together? That's your part.
Jill: That is one of the stupidest things you've ever said.
Tim: So, what am I supposed to do? Quit work, stay home and enforce his grounding?
Jill: No, I just want you to think about what you say, before you say it, and if it's not the right thing to say, then don't say it at all. [Jill walks out of the room]
Tim: Could you say that again?
Mark's Room
[Mark is laying face down on the bed. There is a knocking at the door. Mark doesn't respond. Jill comes in]
Jill: Can I come in?
Mark: No.
Jill: Honey, I wanna talk to you. Look. What you did was wrong. But, your Father came down on you kinda hard, and I thought you might be upset.
Mark: I'm not upset.
Jill: Well, I'd be upset if somebody yelled at me like that. You know, my Dad used to yell at me like that. He was an Army Colonel. He was trained to yell, so you could hear him from one end of the base to the other. [Randy comes into the room] Randy. Um, can you leave us alone for a few minutes?
Randy: But, it's my room.
Jill: I'm trying to tell Mark a story from when I was a little girl.
Randy: I'm outa here. [Leaves. Mark starts to get up to leave also]
Jill: Hey, hey, not so fast. Come on, talk to me.
Mark: Don't wanna talk.
Jill: Oh, OK. OK, then I'll just sit here with you. I could tell you about the time that my Father yelled at me cuz I was trying to sneak out of the house in a skirt that he thought was too short. It was way longer, than any of the skirts that my friends were wearing, except of course for Darlene Mayberry, but she had really... [Mark puts his head underneath a pillow] ...chubby knees.
Wilson's Garden
[Wilson is flying an Oriental looking kite. We hear him chanting in an Oriental fashion]
Wilson: Ee-saman ee-saman numa ma ee day.
Tim: Wilson!
Wilson: Peera-peera sura-nawa-nanchee-hanaaa
Tim: Wilson, Wilson, can you stop the singin' and talk to me for just a second?
Wilson: Well, hi-ho neighbor. Happy Hoto-kuaji.
Tim: Happy Yokohama to you. What's with the kite?
Wilson: Well, today's the Japanese festival of Hoto-kuaji which means Big kite-flying day. You see, according to legend, a master of a sixteenth century Japanese castle flew a kite in order to celebrate the birth of his son.
Tim: Yeah, what did he do when his son committed his first crime?
Wilson: Pardon?
Tim: I'm not gonna pardon him!
Wilson: What in the world are you talking about?
Tim: I'll tell you what I'm talking about. Mark got caught stealing a pocket knife from Harry's hardware store. I got really angry with him. I really didn't like this, you know, and Jill got all mad at me because I was yellin' at him, told him he was grounded for the rest of his life.
Wilson: Well, Tim, that seems like pretty harsh punishment.
Tim: Well, you know how I look at it? The stronger the punishment, the less likelihood is the kid is to ever do it again.
Wilson: Well Tim, many people subscribe to that theory, but I'm reminded of the great Nietzsche.
Tim: Wow. What a line-backer. Green Bay Packers...
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no, not Ray Nitschke. Talking about Friedrich Nietzsche, the German philosopher.
Tim: Sure, Freddy, yeah.
Wilson: Nietzsche said the punishment often increases the feelings of estrangement and strengthens the power of resistance.
Tim: I think what influenced me more was Fiske.
Wilson: I didn't know you were a fan of John Fiske, the English historian.
Tim: I'm not. I'm talking about Carlton Fisk, the White Sox' catcher. He said "If you get caught stealin', throw 'em out"! [Brad and Randy come through the bushes into the garden]
Brad: Hey, Dad.
Tim: Hey guys.
Tim: Where's Mark?
Randy: I don't know.
Brad: He was supposed to meet us at the bus stop, but he never showed up.
Tim: What are you talkin' about? I told him to come straight home after school.
Randy: Dad, the kid's a convicted hardware criminal. They're unpredictable.
Tim: Come on, guys. Let's make some calls and find your brother. Come on, come on.
Randy and Brad: Alright.
Taylor Kitchen
[Tim is on the telephone]
Tim: Yeah, Pete's Pets? Hi. This is Tim Taylor. And I was... Thank you. ...Hearing's fine now. OK. ...Yeah, we all love Al. That's Great. I've got a kind of a serious issue here. I'm looking for my son. ... Yeah, we bought a hamster a little while ago. I'm lookin' ... How big is he? About the size of my hand, a little tail in there. Oh, Mark, yeah, yeah. About four-ten, shaggy, blond hair, no tail. [Jill comes in the front door] Hasn't been by there at all, huh? OK, but if he stops by, you'll have him call me, please? Thank you. G'bye.
Jill: Where's Mark?
Tim: He didn't come home from school. But there's no reason to be concerned.
Jill: Oh, my God! Are you saying he ran away?
Tim: We don't know that. We know he's not at school, or any of his friends, or the police, the hospital or the pet store.
Jill: Well then, where is he? [The telephone rings and Jill picks it up straight away] Hello? ... Yes! Oh, thank God. He's OK. ... Really? ... OK, we'll be there as soon as we can. Bye-bye.
Tim: Well? Well?
Jill: Well, he went to the hardware store, to apologise for taking the knife.
Tim: Well, that's great. That's my boy, there.
Jill: Your boy, doesn't wanna leave the hardware store.
Tim: A'right!
Jill: He doesn't want to leave the hardware store because he's afraid of you.
Harry's Hardware Store
[Al is talking to Mark. Harry is in the background]
Al: So, even though it was only one cookie that I stole, the point is I, too, succumbed to temptation. You understand, Mark?
Mark: I think so, but what's an appetite suppressant?
Harry: Er, something his Mother obviously never found. [Jill and Tim enter the store]
Jill: Hi, Honey.
Tim: Hi, Mark
Mark: Hi, Mom.
Al: Listen, we'll...we'll just be in the back. If a customer comes in, give us a call. [To Harry] Come on. [Al and Harry go into the back of the store]
Jill: Thanks guys.
Tim: Hey, Mark. Let me talk to you for a minute. [Mark walks away from Tim] I'm not gonna yell at ya, I'm not gonna yell at ya. I'm really sorry I went nuts today, but what you did really upset me.
Mark: So you must really hate me.
Tim: Come on, Mark. No, I really, really love you, alright. It's's just certain things really, really set me off.
Customer: Excuse me. Do you have any mops?
Tim: Can't you see I'm talkin' to my kid here?
Jill: Could you just give us a few minutes. Go get yourself some coffee or something?
Customer: Is there a coffee place in the area?
Tim: What, I look like Juan Valdez here? Is she Columbian? Do you see beans?
Jill: [Takes a mop off one of the fixtures] Here, just take this. [The customer leaves the store with the mop]
Tim: When you or your brothers lie or cheat, or steal like this, it makes your Mom and I feel we're not doin' our jobs right, and part of our job is to make you see the difference between right and wrong.
Mark: I know it's wrong to steal.
Jill: Then why did you take the knife?
Mark: I don't know. I thought...if I had the knife, Brad and Randy would think I'm cool. I'm really sorry I did it.
Tim: We know you're sorry. Coming here to the store, that took a lot of guts, son...which is why I spoke to the governor and we commuted your sentence to two weeks.
Mark: Thanks.
Tim: Unfortunately, we found that you haven't paid your State income tax for the last eleven years.
Mark: Dad, I'm only ten!
Tim: Hey, that's the government for you.
Tim: [Calling to Al and Harry] Bye guys.
Jill: Bye guys.
Jill and Mark: Thanks.
Al: Oh well, er... OK.
Jill: Do you want some ice cream?
Mark: Sure. Yes!
[Al notices that the mop is missing and looks around him]
Harry: What's the matter, Al?
Al: Someone stole a mop.
Randy and Mark's Bedroom
[Tim is looking under the matress on Randy's bed]
Tim: Ah! [Jill comes into the room with a basket of washing]
Jill: What are you doing?
Tim: Nothing.
Jill: You're searching their room.
Tim: No, I wasn't. I was looking for one of the issues of my Hot Rod magazine. [Jill looks at the magazine]
Jill: Busty babes and Buicks?
Tim: [Grunts] Oooh!
Jill: Another fine volume from your reference library.
Tim: There's something of yours in here too. [Holds up a small piece of paper]
Jill: That's my recipe for tuna lima bean casserole! Why would they hide that?
Tim: If it were me, I would have burned it. [Tim leaves the room]
Jill: What else of mine have they got in here? [Opens the drawer in Randy's desk. Randy comes into the room]
Randy: Mom.... What are you doin'?
Jill: Putting your underwear away. [Puts something into the drawer and closes it]
Randy: In the desk drawer?
Jill: Yes. It's something my Mother taught me. This way, if you're doing your homework and you realise're not...wearing any underwear...then you don't have to walk all the way to the dresser drawer. [Turns and walks out]
[Outtakes - Living Room. Jill closes the garden door]
Jill: Come on. I can't believe you got...a little blithering thief! What? [Loses it, Tim walks away and tries to walk into the closet] I'm sorry, I really just couldn't keep up the little blithering thief thing, I... I...
Tim: OK, let's get right back in...

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