Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

A Taylor Runs Through It

Episode No# 101
Written by:
Lloyd Garver, Bruce Ferber
Directed by:
Andy Cadiff
Transcript by:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Guest Cast
Bonnie - Bonnie Hellman
Minister - Robert Gould
Episode begins in the living room. Brad and Randy are sitting round the table playing cards. Mark is sitting on the couch playing Patience. Jill enters through the front door.
Jill: Hi guys!
Brad: Hi Mom.
Mark: Hi Mom.
Randy: Hi Mom.
Jill: Well, I've picked up my suit for the wedding. Now I just need to figure out what you guys are gonna be wearing.
Brad: We'd be wearing a big smile if we didn't have to go! [Brad turns his head and smiles at Jill]
Jill: I'm the only one of my sisters who can make it; we have to represent the Patterson girls.
Randy: A life-long dream of mine!
Jill: Oh, c'mon! It's gonna be fun! [Jill walks to the kitchen]
Brad: It's gonna be torture! We'll be near one of the best water-skiing lakes in Michigan and we'll be stuck with our boring relatives the whole time. [Jill starts preparing dinner]
Jill: My relatives aren't boring! They're odd... but that's what makes them fun.
Randy: Mom, what sounds like more fun: water-skiing or watching Aunt Edna take out her teeth?
Jill: They're both fun. Look, if we could fit in any vacation while we're up in Traverse City that's great, but your father and I have already agreed that this trip is about my cousin's wedding.
[Tim enters from the garage, wearing fly-fishing gear and carrying boogie boards]
Tim: Hey, hey. Hey guys!
[Brad and Randy see the boards]
Randy: Alright!
Brad: Cool, boogie boards! Yeah!
[Jill looks at Tim]
Jill: What is all that?
Tim: Stuff I borrowed for the wedding!
Jill: And do you plan to use the boogie board for the ceremony or the reception?
Tim: I'll just wait to see what everyone else is doing! [Mark comes over to Tim]
Mark: Wow! This is gonna be a really cool wedding!
Tim: Not only that, Al says he's going up to Wilson's cabin. We can do some fly-fishing, we can join those guys, and if there's time: water-skiing and off-roading.
Randy & Mark: Yes!
Brad: Cool! That's gonna be awesome! [Jill starts setting the table]
Jill: Tim, there's not gonna be any time for all that stuff. [To Brad and Randy] Here guys, you do this stuff. [Jill hands them the place mats]
Tim: How much time does a wedding take? It's "I do," "I do," you cut the cake, we're on the lake! [Tim takes a set of golf clubs into the garage]
Jill: No, there's not just the wedding; we've got the family barbecue, the rehearsal dinner, the rehearsal, and don't forget Aunt Edna's surprise birthday brunch.
Tim: I'm not gonna miss any of the family events. I am really looking forward to Carol and Tom's wedding.
Jill: Lisa and Jeff.
Tim: I'm looking forward to their wedding too! [Tim takes the boogie boards into the garage]
[Opening credits]
Opening montage of the Michigan area, the next day.
Cut to an aerial shot the the Taylor car on the road.
Jill: Tim, do you have to drive so fast?
Tim: I just want to make sure I don't miss one minute of that arrival dinner.
Jill: Yeah, right. What activity are you trying to squeeze in before the dinner? Water-skiing?
Tim: Absolutely not.
Mark: We're going fly-fishing!
Tim: Mark!
Jill: Tim!
Randy: Floor it, Dad! [The car speeds up]
Cut to the hotel room, later that day
[Jills enters the room, followed by Tim and the boys]
Jill: Oh, isn't this cute!
Tim: Oh it's real cute, yeah. [The boys put down their bags]
Jill: Look, they gave us fruit.
Tim: Cute fruit, that's great. Boys, your room is through here. [Tim points to the door leading off his room] Hurry up, that last pit stop with your mom cost us, like, twelve minutes! [The boys go into their room]
Jill: Well, excuse me! I just didn't feel comfortable using a coffee can at 55 miles per hour! [Jill starts unpacking]
Tim: That's too bad. That's one of the perks of driving by car!
Jill: I'll try to remember that next time. [Tim starts unpacking]
Tim: You sure you don't want to go fly-fishing with us?
Jill: No. I've gotta wash up and work on that poem I'm writing for the wedding.
Tim: Alright. [Tim unpacks his fishing gear]
[Bonnie knocks on the door and enters]
Bonnie: [Very lively] Tim!
Tim: Uh?
Bonnie: [Very lively] Hi! It's great to see you again! [Bonnie bounds over to Tim and hugs him]
Tim: It is?
Bonnie: [Very lively] You don't know who I am, do you?
Tim: [Tim copies Bonnie's pose and voice] No, I don't!
Bonnie: [Very lively] I'm Bonnie, Jill's second cousin. [Tim still looks blank] Uncle Tubby's daughter.
Tim: Oh yes. Gosh, how, how is, how is Uncle Tubby doing?
Bonnie: [Very lively] He's been dead for ten years.
Tim: He's doing the same then, isn't he!
Bonnie: [Very lively] Right! Anyway, some good news. I just put together an early arrival cocktail party. Doesn't that sound like just too much fun!
Tim: [Imitating her voice again] Ooo, way too much, ooo! [In his normal voice] I don't think we can make it. The boys are I are -- [Jill comes over to them]
Jill: -- Bonnie.
Bonnie: [Very lively] Jill!
Jill: We'll be there.
Bonnie: [Very lively] Great. It's five o'clock. I'll see you there. [Bonnie waves and leaves]
Tim: Five o'clock! Boys, hurry up. We only have an hour-and-a-half to go fly-fishing thanks to cousin Chubby.
Cut to the river, a little later that day.
[Al and Wilson are fly-fishing. Wilson's face is partly hidden behind a tree branch. Al is wearing a flannel cap]
Al: Ah Wilson, this is the life, huh?
Wilson: Hm-hmm.
Al: Guys communing with nature.
Wilson: Hm-hmm.
Al: Getting away from the city. And the clutches of a suffocating, domineering mother who won't allow her son to grow up.
Wilson: Well Al, forget Mother. Immerse yourself in the tranquility of the river.
Al: You're right Wilson. It's so peaceful out here. Why spoil it.
[Tim and the boys arrive, running and shouting]
Tim & Brad: Alright, alright, hey, hey.
[Tim and the boys splash into the river]
Tim: We're finally here. Alright boys, fish fast. Wev'e got, um, 53 minutes, alright? [Brad and Randy start fishing. Tim looks at Al] Phew, look it's Al Albean.
Cut to the river, a little later.
[Tim splashs up]
Tim: What's the deal with these fish? I haven't had a single bite.
Randy: Dad, we've only been here seven minutes.
Brad: Hey Wilson, can you show us how to do that forward cast?
Wilson: Certainly lad. You hold your rod at one o'clock. You end up at ten o'clock. [Wilson demonstrates. Tim flips his rod back and forth, wildly]
Mark: Dad, he said ten o'clock.
Tim: I didn't know he mean ten o'clock eastern time.
Al: Well Tim, I see you're as adept at fly-fishing as you were at ice-fishing.
Tim: I bet you twenty bucks I can catch more fish than you.
Al: You're on.
Wilson: Tim, Al, we're not here to compete. We're here to achieve a higher conscientiousness.
Al: He's right Tim. By creating a competition, we insult the spirit of the river.
[Tim gets his rod and line in a tangle]
Tim: [Tim takes off his cap in reverence] I'm so sorry river, but you could help me out by burping up a couple of them fish, O.K? [Tim puts his cap back on]
Wilson: I have to warn you that even an accomplished fisherman can spend hours out here and not catch anything.
Randy: Hey guys, I've got one!
[Tim sees a fish and tries to spear it with his rod. Randy lands the fish on the end of his line and holds it up in a net. Tim puts down his rod and dives into the river, trying to catch a fish with his bare hands. Tim's cap floats off downstream]
Cut to the cocktail party, later that day.
[Tim and the boys come running up, still wearing their fishing gear, and join the other guests and Jill]
Tim: Hi, hey! Did I miss you all? Did a little bit of fly-fishing today, and boy did we catch a lot of flies! [Tim goes over to Jill] Here we are. [Jill mouths "Tim"] Just like I promised. With 30 seconds to spare.
Jill: You should have taken that 30 seconds to shower.
[Tim smells himself. Jill points Tim towards Aunt Edna]
Tim: Excuse me. Aunt Edna. [Tim hugs her] It's good to see you. Alright. Glad we could come. [Tim pulls away from her, but one of the fishing hooks on his jacket has got caught on Aunt Edna's cardigan. Aunt Edna slaps Tim] Don't, stop hitting me. [Jill comes over to help]
Jill: Hold on, don't --
Tim: -- tell her to stop hitting me.
Jill: You'll hurt her.
Cut to dawn, the next day
Cut to Tim and Jill's bedroom.
[The alarm clock reads 5:55. Tim is lying in bed, awake. The alarm goes off. Tim gets out of bed and turns off the alarm]
Jill: Tim, why are you getting up so early? Come back to bed. [Tim starts getting dressed]
Tim: Gotta lot of fun stuff to squeeze in today. And I can't waste time in bed with you. [Jill throws a pillow at him]
Cut to Montage set to the "William Tell Overture."
[Tim and the boys running down the beach, wearing shorts; Randy throws Brad to the ground; Tim comes up from behind and throws Randy to the ground. Cut to Tim and the boys on quad-bikes; Mark is riding a mini-motorbike. Cut to the wedding rehearsal; Jill is sitting in a pew, looking at her watch; Tim and the boys enter, covered in mud and carrying the bike crash helmets; Jill gives Tim a bad look. Cut to the golf course; Mark is taking his last shot; Brad and Randy drive up in an golf cart; Tim drags Mark away to the other cart; Mark looks back to see his ball enter the hole; Tim and Mark get into the other golf cart and drive off, followed by Brad and Randy. Cut to the tennis court; Tim is practising with a machine which Randy and Mark are loading; Brad is collecting the balls Tim returns; Tim points at his watch and Randy turns the machine setting up to "ballistic"; Tim tries to run out of the way of the volley of balls whilst trying to protect himself from their hits. Cut to Aunt Edna's surprise birthday party; everybody applauds while Aunt Edna tries to blow out the candles on her cake; Tim and Brad look at Tim's watch; Tim distracts Aunt Edna and blows out the candles for her; Jill is not amused. Cut to Tim and the boys in a hot air balloon; Tim looks at his watch and turns up the burners]
Cut to Tim and Jill's room, later that day.
[Jill is sitting on the bed, writing her poem]
"To my cousin Lisa,
On her wedding day."
[Tim enters]
Tim: Hey Jill, I can --
Jill: -- wait, shh, O.K.
"As the gentle wind kisses the morning dew"
"Everything you say bounces off me and sticks to you!"
[Jill shakes her head] I was trying to help.
Jill: [Jill clears her throat]
"To my cousin Lisa,
On her wedding day"
Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it! [Short pause] What're the boys doing?
Tim: They should be in there getting their suits on. We're gonna go water-skiing.
Jill: You're going skiing now? [Tim gets a towel out of the drawers]
Tim: Yeah, the wedding's not for four hours. Your could finish your poetry, we'll be back in plenty of time.
Jill: Ugh, I am so sick of working on this poem. I've spent the last two hours trying to come up with a rhyme for matrimony. [Tim tries to think of one]
Tim: It's easy. Shmatrimony.
Jill: Thanks! Why didn't I think of that?
Tim: If you're bored with this, why don't you come with us for a little bit? I'll let you drive the boat. You'll get a little color.
Jill: Boy, it sure would be fun to go out there with you guys for a while. Oh maybe I'll do it. [Jill gets off the bed]
Tim: Alright! I've borrowed my buddy Tony's boat. It's got that inboard big-block V8. [The boys come to the door]
Jill: Tony's boat? That's the one with the roller-rockers and the super-charged 4-54?
Tim: How d'you know that?
Jill: You cry it out in your sleep at least once a week! [Jill gets herself a towel]
Cut to the lake.
[Brad is water-skiing. Tim, Jill, Randy & Mark are in the boat. Tim is driving]
Jill: Way to go, Brad! Whoo!
Tim: Yeah!
Jill: He's great!
Tim: Of course he's great; he's my kid! Good going!
Mark: Hey, we're your kids too. How come we fell on our butts?
Tim: Hey, I give you the water-skiing gene. What you do with it is your business. Atta boy!
Cut to Tim water-skiing.
[Jill is driving the boat. Tim is showing off]
Randy: Way to go Dad!
Brad: Yeah Dad!
Mark: Yeah!
Tim: Watch this. [Tim does a spin]
[Jill and the boys cheer him on]
Tim: One more time around, O.K? [Tim does another spin and then skis on one foot]
Randy: Way to go Dad!
Brad: Yeah Dad!
Mark: Yeah!
[Tim pulls himself in to the boat and climbs aboard]
Tim: Next time I'll show you guys how to really do it! Whoo!
Cut to the landing platform.
[The boat is tied up. Tim and the boys climb off]
Randy: Mom, you're the only one who didn't ski.
Mark: Mom can't water-ski!
Jill: What d'you mean? I used to be a great skier. Tell them Tim.
Tim: Yeah, used to be. Of course, it's a little better than is it now.
[Tim helps Jill off the boat]
Jill: Oh really, what's that supposed to mean?
Tim: Oh, don't be ashamed of it. You used to be a good athlete and now you write poetry and go to weddings. [Tim shrugs] Alright, let's head back.
Jill: Hey! We head back when I say we head back.
Cut to Jill being pulled off the platform on water-skis.
Jill: Hit it! [Jill skis about] Whoo! [The boys cheer her on]
Tim: Hey look up there. [Tim points to a parasailer]
Mark: Cool!
Tim: If we hurry up, we'll get some parasailing in before the wedding. [Tim doesn't see a ramp coming up]
Brad: Hey Dad! Look out for the ramp!
[Tim swerves the boat out of the way, but Jill keeps on going]
Jill: Tim!
[Jill skis over the ramp and falls into the water]
[Commercial break]
Cut to Tim and Jill's room, a little later.
[Tim is sitting on the bed getting ready for the wedding. The boys enter wearing shirts and jackets]
Tim: Jill, you don't want to be late for the wedding.
Mark: Are you sure Mom's well enough to go?
Tim: She's fine, O.K?
[Jill enters with a bandage on her nose, her arm in a sling, and limping]
Jill: I can't believe this. I have a bandage on my nose, a sprained wrist, my, my knee is sore, and my butt is completely black and blue.
Tim: Well, you got some color! [Jill gives Tim a look]
Jill: Do you think that's funny?
Tim: Not if you don't.
Jill: There is no way that I can show my face at this wedding.
Randy: Oh darn. And we so wanted to go.
Jill: Do you think that's funny?
Randy: Not if you don't.
Brad: I could never go to that party and enjoy myself knowing that my mother was back here suffering. [Jill looks at Brad] I know, it's not funny, Mom. I know that. [The boys run out of the room]
Tim: [Shouts after them] Comb your hair and get your ties ready. [Jill hobbles over to the bed] Honey, you've gotta go to this wedding.
Jill: Why do I have to go? [Jill tries to sit down but can't find a position which isn't painful]
Tim: I have, I have a million reasons. [Jill stands up again] It's, it's your favorite cousin, and, and, and you'd hate yourself forever if you didn't go. [Tim puts on his jacket]
Jill: Actually I'd hate you.
Tim: I thought of that too. I, I, I'm really sorry. I wasn't looking where I was going in the boat, O.K?
Jill: I cannot believe that I let you talk me into water-skiing.
Tim: I didn't talk you into it; you wanted to go. If you'd let go of the rope you wouldn't be hurt right now.
Jill: You actually think this is my fault?
Tim: Not if you don't. [Jill turns away from him] Honey, y-you, you can't let some nicks and cuts and contusions stop you from going. Heck, if I did that, I wouldn't go anywhere! [Jill examines her face in the mirror]
Jill: There is no way that I can get up in front of all of these people.
Tim: You look great! And once you put your make-up on, no-one's even going to notice.
Jill: My make-up is on.
Tim: It looks quite natural!
Cut to the wedding.
[Bonnie is playing a song on her guitar. People keep turning and looking at Jill]
Jill: [To Tim] Everybody's staring at me.
Tim: No they're not.
Mark: Then who are they staring at?
Tim: Who d'you think? Star of "Tool Time." [Tim waves at everybody]
Minister: And now Lisa's cousin, Jill Taylor, has prepared a poem [Bonnie returns to her seat] on the grace and sanctity of marriage.
Tim: Go get 'em. honey.
Jill: I'm not going up there.
Tim: They're waiting for you. C'mon, c'mon, c'mon. [Tim stands up and lifts Jill up. Jill cries out in pain]
Jill: Ohhh!
Tim: Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Jill: [Whispering to Tim] I don't want to do this.
Tim: Go, go, go. [Tim gives Jill a push forward. She trips and falls on her face. Everybody turns and looks. Tim gets out of his seat and helps Jill up. Jill tries to throw Tim off. Her jacket has slipped off her shoulder. Jill makes her way up to the front]
Minister: Are you alright?
Jill: I'm fine! I'm fine. [The Minister backs away. Jill stands by the microphone. She tries to put her jacket back on but can't, so she takes it off. Whispering to Lisa] I'm sorry, I'm sorry. [Lisa shows her sympathy] Um, uh, to my cousin Lisa on her wedding day. [Jill unfolds her poem] "As a gentle wind kisses the morning dew."
Bonnie: [Very lively] A little louder! We can't hear you!
[Jill bends down to the microphone which is at waist height]
Jill: "As a gentle wind kisses the morning dew." [Tim gets out of his seat]
Tim: Let me, let me, let me, I'll just, I'll just take, I'll just move, excuse me. [Tim creeps over to the microphone. Jill stands up again. Tim yanks up the microphone and it hits Jill on the nose]
Jill: Ahhh! [Jill clutches her nose. The Minister and Lisa look on in shock. Jill slaps Tim with her poem. Tim creeps back to his seat]
Brad: [To Randy] It's gonna be a long ride home.
Cut to the kitchen, that evening.
[Jill hobbles in from the garage, followed by Tim]
Tim: Honey, y'know it's, it's true what they say: [Tim switches on the kitchen light] No matter how great the vacation, it's always good to be home, huh? [Tim puts his hands on Jill's shoulders]
Jill: Don't touch me, don't, don't. [Jill walks away from Tim]
Tim: Always good to be home.
[The boys enter from the garage]
Tim: Well guys, I bet there's something we can all learn from this.
Brad: Yeah. That a nose can be broken more than once in a day!
Tim: I don't think that's it.
Mark: Dad, Mom is never gonna forgive you for this one. [Tim turns off the garage light and shuts the door. Jill goes upstairs]
Randy: Yeah, I'm just glad we got one great weekend in before everything came to a crashing end. [Brad gets himself a drink from the fridge]
Brad: Yeah, I had a lot of fun. Sorry you're so dead, Dad. [Mark gets himself a drink from the fridge]
Tim: I am not dead. I've got a million ideas up here [Tim points to his head] how to make this up to your mom.
Mark: Are any of them good?
Tim: Not a one.
[Tim and the boys go upstairs]
Cut to the living room, the next morning.
[Tim is asleep with his head on the table, surrounded by pieces of paper]
Tim: [In his sleep] That's 4-54, that's a boat I say. [Jill enters in her dressing gown. Her arm is still in a sling and her nose is still bandaged] Super-charged roller-rockers, Tony hit it, Tony! I suzz, I suzz. [Jill comes over to Tim] That's 4-54, that's a.
Jill: Tim! [Jill pokes Tim]
Tim: That's 4-54.
Jill: Tim!
Tim: Suzz. Tony! [Tim looks up, awake] Ton-oh-honey, hi! [Tim yawns] Boy I was having a good dream.
Jill: What're you doing down here? You never came to bed.
Tim: I was afraid if I rolled over I'd finish you off. I reaaly feel bad that you got all banged up this weekend.
Jill: Yeah me too. [Jill makes herself a drink] Would have been nice to show up at the wedding without any hair-line fractures.
Tim: You wouldn't have got hurt at all if I weren't so obsessed with having fun.
Jill: Well, I've gotta admit, that's another thing that really made me mad. You guys got to have all the fun.
Tim: Well, look, I promise you, next family wedding we go to, we'll all have no fun together. [Jill sits down at the table]
Jill: What is all this stuff? [Tim picks up the paper on the table]
Tim: Oh, well, I wrote you a little poem. [Jill chokes on her drink and laughs. Tim wipes the juice off the side of his face] Maybe, er, maybe you'd like to listen to it before you start laughing at me.
Jill: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Tim: [Tim clears his throat]
"I was going to buy you jewelry,
And maybe some flowers,
Instead I stayed up till the wee morning hours,
Thinking about how lucky I am,
Boy I'm hungry, I feel like ham.

My selfishness I will try to conquer,
I'm sorry I bopped you on your honker! [Jill laughs}
I'll love you forever,
Even when you're old,
If you don't like this poem,
I've got the florist on hold."
[Jill smiles]
Cut to the backyard, later.
[Randy is showing Tim how to cast a fishing line]
Randy: [Swinging his line back and forth] Alright Dad, now remember, one o'clock, ten o'clock, one o'clock, ten o'clock.
Tim: Yeah, that's great. [Tim takes the rod from Randy] Let me have this line to cast, O.K? [Tim starts swinging the line. Jill enters]
Jill: What're you guys doing?
Tim: Just getting a little fly-fishing practice in before church.
Jill: Well honey, hurry up. We're gonna be late.
Tim: O.K. Alright, just one more. [Tim swings the line back and the hook gets caught on Jill's skirt]
Jill: Tim. [Tim swings the rod forward and pulls Jill's skirt off]
[Scenes of Tim water-skiing, and Mark playing golf]

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