Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

High School Confidential

Episode No# 114
Written by:
Lloyd Garver, Bruce Ferber
Directed by:
Andy Cadiff
Transcript by:
Randy Johanson
Corrections should be sent to:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Guest Cast
Mr. Marino - Miguel Sandoval
Milton - Milton Canady
Episode begins at the "Tool Time" Set. Tim and Al are designing a bed for the "Man's Bedroom."
Al: Today we will show you how to build a man's bed.
Tim: We will be using materials that make a man feel all warm and toasty inside. [Tim picks up a piece of steel, than drops it] Cold, hard steel.
Al: That's right. And we will be cutting that steel with the Binford 6100 chop saw.
Tim: She's a beauty isn't she? 14-inch cut off blade. Now, make sure your steel is fastened down real securely. Use a smooth pull, makes for a smooth cut. Now this is the steel we are using for our headboard and frame rails. [Tim prepares to make the cut]
Al: And this is the backup steel for when Tim screws up. [Opens the cabinet to reveal the backup steel]
Tim: Have a little faith Al. [Tim starts up the saw and begins to make his cut]
Cut to the "Tool Time" after Tim has finished making his cut
Al: All right, well here are the two equal side rails Tim cut. [Pulls them apart and reveals that one is much shorter than the other, then cuts to Tim shaking his head at Al] Luckily, I cut some side rails earlier.
Tim: Now we have to weld our flanges to our frame rails. I love welding. [Tim lights the welding torch] You might say I carry a torch for it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Cut to "Tool Time" later. Tim is standing with one foot on the bed frame.
Tim: All right, we have finished our bed frame, now we are going to attach it to the headboard.
Al: And to form our design, we will be using the Binford 6100 bender.
Tim: Al, do you suppose you call this a bender because it has been out partying all weekend long? Party, [Starts dancing] ouh, ouh, ouh.
Al: I don't think so Tim. The bender allows us to form our headboard into any manly pattern that we choose.
Tim: Moose, beer mug, jock strap. A moose holding a beer mug, wearing a jock strap.
Al: We've chosen...
Tim: Doesn't matter what we've chosen. Let's face it men, no matter what design we put on the bed, once your wife gets a hold of it, it will look like this... [Tim points to the bed. It is covered with a bunch of stuffed animals] Men, its time we fight back. [Picks up a stuffed animal dog off the bed] We've got to de-frill, de-lace, de-froufrou, de-bedroom. [Starts petting the dog]
Al: That's why next time on "Tool Time" we will show you how a man designs his sleeping quarters, and why it is called...
Tim & Al: The master bedroom.
[Opening credits]
Cut to the Taylor's house.
[Mark is at the table reading a magazine. Jill enters from the front door]
Jill: Hi sweetie.
Mark: Hi.
Jill: When I was at the mall I picked up some shirts for you. See if you like them. [Jill sets the bag on a chair next to Mark]
Mark: I don't like them.
Jill: You haven't even looked at them. [Mark gets up and walks to the bag]
Mark: [Pulls out one shirt] Hate it. [Pulls out another shirt] Hate it. [Pulls out a bra.] Really hate it. [Tim enters from the garage]
Tim: I don't care what anybody says, you're still my son.
Jill: Hi sweetie.
Mark: Hi dad. [Mark leaves]
Tim: [Smiling] Hi honey.
Jill: What is that smile about? [Tim and Jill kiss] Are you planning something sexy for us tonight, or have you been welding?
Tim: I've been welding. [Tim and Jill kiss again. Brad enters]
Brad: Hi Mom. Hey Dad.
Jill: Hi sweetie, how was your day?
Brad: Unbelievably excellent.
Tim: You were welding?
Brad: Nope, I got an A on my English test.
Tim: All right!
Jill: That's great!
Brad: Yeah! [Brad and Jill hug]
Jill: I told you, you could do it.
Tim: I am really proud of you. See all your hard work pays off. This is the second A. This is really good news.
Brad: Yeah, last year the only A I got stood for absence.
Tim: Yeah. [Randy enters from the side door]
Brad: Hi Randy.
Randy: Hey.
Jill: Hi Randy, you're a little late?
Randy: Yeah, I got kept after school for detention.
Tim, Jill & Brad: You?
Randy: Mr. Marino wants to see you guys about it. [Pulls a note from his pocket and hands it to Jill]
Tim: Mr. Marino?
Jill: Yeah, he is that science teacher. Remember we met his at the open house. [Jill reads the note]
Brad: What did he say? [Brad tries to read the note over Jill's shoulder]
Tim: None of you business. [Tim pushes Brad away]
Randy: He's also my guidance counselor. He says I've been goofing off in class. [Walks over to Brad]
Jill: Randy, this isn't like you at all, what's going on? [Jill hands the note to Tim]
Randy: Nothing.
Brad: Bad answer. I would have gone with, "It wasn't my fault it was the kid next to me."
Tim: That never worked for me. I was the kid next to me.
Jill: Randy, teachers don't give detention for nothing.
Randy: Actually they do. It is a new program, just started. [Claps, then walks to the refrigerator]
Tim: Randy?
Randy: Look, what's the big deal? Brad gets detention all the time.
Brad: I am not getting detention anymore! I just got my second straight A in English "Of Mice and Men."
Tim: Ha ha, finally teaching pest control in school. That's good.
Cut to Randy's science room at his junior high school.
Tim: All right science class.
Jill: Uh...I remember this smell. Formaldehyde and frog guts.
Tim: [Grunting and playing with a skeleton] I love frog guts, how about you? Yeah, yeah. Would you look at the size of the liver on this guy? [Pulls the liver off the display] I hope he had a designated driver.
Jill: I can't believe you're not more worried about Randy.
Tim: Would you relax? This is the first time we've been called in. When I was his age, my mom was at school so much, they though she was an eighth grader with a station wagon.
Jill: My parents first got called in seventh grade. Mrs. Manugene in home ec. She gave me a D in casseroles.
Tim: So the problem goes back that far? [Mr. Marino enters the classroom. Tim tries to put the liver back in the display, however it falls off]
Mr. Marino: Mrs. Taylor.
Jill: Oh, oh hi. [Tim picks up the liver and tries to find a place to hide it from Mr. Marino]
Mr. Marino: Good to see you again.
Jill: Nice to see you again. [Jill and Mr. Marino shake hands]
Mr. Marino: Mr. Taylor, uh, thanks for coming in.
Tim: I'd say thanks for having us but, uh, that's probably not what most parents say at this point.
Mr. Marino: You would be the first. Please sit down. [Tim is still trying to hide the liver]
Jill: I must admit it; we were a little surprised to be called in for Randy. He's never been in trouble before.
Mr. Marino: Well, we feel the reason Randy is having problems in class is that he is so bright. He is always ahead of the other students.
Tim: Well, what are we doing here? Shouldn't you be talking to the parents of the dumb kids? [Jill and Mr. Marino both look at Tim]
Mr. Marino: What's happening is that Randy finishes his work so quickly that he gets bored and becomes disruptive.
Jill: What should we do about it?
Mr. Marino: We have a program, where we send a few of our exceptional students to the high school for certain classes.
Jill: Are you saying we should send Randy to a high school science class?
Mr. Marino: And a math class. He's way ahead there too.
Jill: Wow! I hadn't realized he was that advanced.
Tim: Well, it's not that surprising. His dad skipped intermediate shop and went right to advanced metals.
Mr. Marino: Ah, you were a shop prodigy?
Tim: Well, let's just say I was metallurgically well-endowed.
Mr. Marino: Excuse me can we get back to Randy?
Tim: Well, all in all, I think it would be great for Randy. [To Jill] Don't you?
Jill: Yeah, but what about Brad? We already have a son in ninth grade. I am not sure how he is going to react to having his younger brother move up into the same grade.
Tim: Well, he said it was just two classes, science and math.
Mr. Marino: And we would make sure they wouldn't be in any of the same classes.
Jill: Well, obviously this is a big decision. We should give it a lot of thought.
Tim: Yeah, we should. [Pause] Let's do it.
Mr. Marino: You shouldn't make any decisions until you see how Randy feels. [Gets up from his stool] Talk it over with him and, uh, give me a call.
Jill: O.K., we will. Thank you. [Jill and Tim get up and head for the door. Tim still has the liver in his hand and is still trying to hide from Mr. Marino]
Mr. Marino: You bet. My pleasure. [Jill leaves the classroom]
Tim: Thanks for your time.
Mr. Marino: You bet. My pleasure. After you.
Tim: No, please. [Mr. Marino leaves the room. Tim goes back to the model and tries again to put the liver back. He starts walking away, but all the parts fall to the floor. Tim desperately tries to pick them up and put them back. Jill and Mr. Marino both walk in the back door and look at Tim] Just asked him one question and he spilled his guts. [Mr. Marino laughs and leaves the room again. Jill leaves followed by Tim]
Cut to the Taylor's house.
[Brad is at the table doing homework. Randy enters]
Randy: I can't believe it. Mom and Dad are still at that teacher's conference, I'm dead.
Brad: As someone who's been through this many times, can I give you a little advice?
Randy: Shoot.
Brad: All right, as soon as Mom and Dad walk through that door, you gotta say "I'm sorry," you know like you really mean it.
Randy: All right, how's this? "I'm sorry"
Brad: Nope, not buying it. [Tim and Jill enter through the front door]
Jill: Hi Randy, Hi Brad.
Tim: Hey guys.
Randy: I'm sorry. [Tries to look like he is really sorry. Jill's not buying it]
Jill: Not buying it. [Randy looks at Brad] It's O.K. Randy you're not in as much trouble as we thought.
Randy: I'm not.
Tim: No, your teacher feels that you're goofing off because you're not being challenged. So they want to move you to high school for two subjects: science and math.
Randy: Really?
Brad: He's gonna be in my grade?
Tim: Just for two subjects and he won't be in any of your classes.
Jill: Are you O.K. with that?
Brad: I don't know? Why should I care?
Tim: Hey, that's the spirit.
Jill: So uh Randy this is a big decision. I think you're gonna have to take some time and think about it.
Randy: You're right. Let's do it! [Tim and Randy shake hands. Brad looks jealous]
Jill: Randy, these kids are going to be a lot bigger than you are.
Randy: Mom, the kids are always bigger than me.
Tim: You gotta love this guy's spirit. Always a positive thinker, huh? [Tim and Randy hug]
Randy: All right. Ouch. What's in your pocket?
Tim: Oh. Pancreas. [Pull the pancreas from his pocket to reveal that it is actually a colon]
Randy: [Takes the colon from Tim and examines it] Actually that's, that's a colon. [Jill shakes her head at Tim] Man this is unbelievable. I think I am in the worst trouble in my life and I am actually going to high school. I am going to go tell Jeremy. [Randy leaves out the front door]
Jill: Well, I guess it's settled. I am gonna call the school and see if I can catch Mr. Marino.
Tim: If you find him let him know that a...
Jill: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, the colon is in the mail.
Tim: [To Brad] Uh, can I talk to you for a second? [Sits next to Brad]
Brad: Sure dad.
Tim: If Randy, uh, if Randy makes this move to high school, I'd really like you to, you know, look out for him make sure people don't push him around.
Brad: I'm sure Randy will do fine.
Tim: O.K., all right. [Tim gets up and starts to leave the room]
Brad: You know dad, I had a pretty cool day at school too.
Tim: Yeah, what happened?
Brad: I went to classes, had a great lunch, went to a few more classes and eventually I came home.
Tim: So all-in-all we all had a great day. [Tim pats Brad on the back and leaves the room]
Brad: Yeah, real great.
[Commercial break]
Cut to the "Tool Time" set.
[Tim and Al are just about to introduce the Binford 6100 "Man's Bedroom"]
Tim: Welcome ladies and gentleman to the Binford 6100 "Man's Bedroom." [Tim opens the door to the bedroom and walks in. He grabs a remote control off the wall. Al follows Tim into the bedroom. Tim and Al both start showing off the bedroom] Yeah, this is no babe's boudoir.
Al: No honey's hideaway.
Tim: No wench's weighstation. Men you've had lace in your face for far too long. Now it's time to come home to chrome.
Al: That's why we built the "Man's Bedroom." So he feels as comfortable here as he does in his neighborhood bar.
Tim: Is a matter of fact, in the "Man's Bedroom" we have the neighborhood bar. [Pushes a button on the remote and two doors open to reveal a bar] Well Milton, how's business?
Milton: Slow. What will it be?
Tim: Well, a perfect Manhattan for me and a Shirley Temple for Al. While Milton is mixing up my highball, let's take a look at the carpet, shall we?
Al: Marve, if you want to come in here, we have 100 percent Astroturf. It's good for Saturday golf and Monday night football. Milton I'm open! [Milton throws a football from the bar towards Al, however Tim intercepts the ball]
Tim: Ha ha. Looks like it's gonna be my day. [Tim points with the football to a scoreboard above the bar. The scoreboard says Tim 97 Al 0. He pulls a remote control from his jacket pocket] All right, let's look at the nightstands. On my side, [Pushes a button on the remote and reveals a grill] A mesquite barbeque grill. [Picks up a fork and checks the food on the grill.] On your side [Pushes a button on the remote to open the nightstand on the other side of the bed]
Al: You have a phone; place for you beer and a virtual reality system. [Picks up the virtual reality system and puts it on]
Tim: This way when your wife is reading about Fabio, you could be racing Indy with Mario. [Cut to Al racing on the virtual reality system] In this case guys, a fast finishing bed is not a bad thing. And if you do make your wife happy she has the little red button, press this. [Pushes the button and the sign reads applause, and you hear an applause] Thank you honey I ah, I do what I can.
Al: Now, I would like to show everyone my favorite part of the "Man's Bedroom." The man's closet. [Tim and Al point out the closet] Most men don't like to take the time to coordinate their clothes. [Tim opens the control panel for the closet]
Tim: But the man's closet all the work is done for you. [Tim pushes a button and the closet opens] Shirts, ties and pants are on rotating drums.
Al: You just push the button for the appropriate occasion.
Tim: Ah, I am going to my mother-in-law's for dinner and my wife is nagging me about looking nice, so I push nag one. [Tim pushes the button labeled nag one, and the drums start to rotate then stop on the appropriate set of clothes. Then the closet door closes and Tim pulls a lever and the shirt, tie and pants the closet picked out slides out of the closet]
Al: It's a very nice ensemble, Tim. [Tim pulls the lever again and the clothes slide back into the closet]
Tim: Thank you Al. Now let's get to the problem of making that man's bed. [Tim and Al head over to the bed]
Al: That's right. After a man has slept in it, it might look something like this. [Tim and Al start messing up the bed]
Tim: Now, who wants to waste time with hospital corners or fluffing up sheets? Just press the button and the man's bed becomes...[Tim pushes the button and a pool table slides out to cover the bed. Tim and Al set up to play a game of pool]
Al: The man's pool table.
Tim: Of course we're gonna need some cues Al. [Tim pushes a button on the remote and two cues pop up from holes in the floor. Both Tim and Al catch one of the cues]
Cut to the Taylor's house.
[Brad is at the table and Randy is sitting on the couch. Both are working on their homework. Jill enters from the front door]
Jill: Hi guys.
Brad: Hi.
Randy: Hey.
Jill: O.K. Randy let's hear it. How was your first day of high school?
Randy: Great, expect for the guy who asked me if I wanted a phone book to sit on.
Jill: Did you tell the teacher?
Randy: It was the teacher. No but, but it's cool. He doesn't mind if you call him baldy.
Jill: We had a teacher we called baldy. She minded.
Randy: Well, I've finished my math and I am done with my homework. [Gets up from the couch and heads over to the table]
Jill: Already? Wow, you are doing really well.
Brad: Ah, I am done too. [Sticks his homework into his book and closes it]
Jill: You too? Good for you. I guess I have a couple of smart guys. Listen I gotta go to the mall.
Randy: Can I come with you?
Jill: Sure. Ah you want to come Brad?
Brad: Ah, no I can't, I have to return a call to Angela.
Jill: O.K., we will see you later. [Jill and Randy leave for the mall out the front door]
[Brad sighs, and pulls his unfinished homework out of his book and starts to finish it. He then crosses something off, the tears the page out of his notebook and throws it onto the floor]
Cut to the backyard.
[Tim is replacing a light bulb and Wilson is preparing his skis for the biathlon]
Tim: Hey Wilson.
Wilson: Well, hi ho Tim.
Tim: You going skiing?
Wilson: Umhm. I don't know if I told you, I am a biathlete.
Tim: Hey, whatever you do behind closed doors is your business.
Wilson: Well, actually we do it outside.
Tim: [Grunting] Huuu?
Wilson: You see Tim the biathlon is a combination of cross-country skiing and target shooting. I would have invited you along but I figured you were quite busy.
Tim: Oh, has it ever been a busy week. Brad is becoming a really good student. Randy is so exceptional they are moving him up two classes...
Wilson: Wow!
Tim: And more importantly, I built a really cool "Man's Bedroom." [Jill enters from the house]
Jill: Hey Wilson.
Wilson: Neighborette!
Jill: Tim, I just got a call from the school about Brad.
Tim: Another A?
Jill: No. They say he flunked his last two tests and he hasn't been turning in his homework.
Tim: What's that all about? He has been doing so well.
Jill: Well, you know what's going on don't you?
Tim: Well it doesn't take a genius to figure it out, no. He can't concentrate because all the other kids are asking him about the "Man's Bedroom." [Jill and Wilson look at Tim] Well, what's your theory?
Jill: Brad's problems began when Randy started going to the same school.
Wilson: See I would tend to concur with Jill's theory.
Jill: He's been working so hard and then Randy just swoops in and out shines him. It's awful. Brad was starting to feel so good about himself.
Tim: I don't want him competing with Randy and getting discouraged.
Jill: Well, what are we going to do?
Wilson: Well, maybe you can remind Brad of the famous Hindustan proverb. True nobility lies not in being superior to another man, but in being superior to one's previous self.
Tim: Oh yeah!
Jill: Oh, that's perfect.
Tim: Like it! Where do you keep coming up with these things?
Wilson: Oh neighbor, neighbor, neighbor, I've spent my entire life studying the wisdom of intelligent thinkers and philosophers. However, this one I read in a fortune cookie.
Jill: Well thanks.
Wilson: Hmm
Tim: See ya later. [Tim and Jill head inside]
Cut to the living room.
[Brad is sitting at the counter eating something. Tim and Jill enter from the backyard]
Jill: Brad, we got a call from your school.
Brad: You did?
Tim: The say you're not turning in you homework, and your grades have been slipping.
Brad: So things are back to normal.
Tim: What are you talking about? Up until last week you were having the best year ever.
Jill: Brad, does this have anything to do with Randy going to your school?
Brad: No!
Tim: Does this have anything to do with the "Man's Bedroom?" [Jill looks at Tim like he is crazy]
Jill: Brad there's got to be some reason that you stopped trying. You were becoming such a good student.
Brad: Randy's the good student.
Tim: You're both good students, Brad.
Brad: He finishes his homework before I can even put my name on mine.
Jill: This is not about who finishes first. It's about getting the work done and absorbing what you've learned.
Brad: Yeah, he is better at that too. [Brad gets up from the counter and goes over to the couch] Everything comes easier to him.
Jill: [Tim and Jill both follow Brad over to the couch] Honey, you shouldn't compare yourself to Randy or anybody else.
Tim: That's right. Um, this famous man Hindu Stan, he never compared himself to his brother Hindu Bob.
Jill: Hindu Bob? Look. [Jill tries to regain her thoughts] Honey, you should take pride in how hard you've worked, and how much you've improved.
Brad: School's hard for me, Mom.
Jill: I know. Brad, your best quality has always been that you don't give up when things get difficult. I remember when you were a baby, and you first started eating solid food, the spoon never got anywhere near your mouth, you had applesauce all over your hair...
Tim: Peas in your nose. Which wasn't very attractive because you sneezed a lot then. [Imitates a sneeze]
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: Yeah.
Jill: But the important thing is that you wouldn't let us help you. You had to do it until you could do it yourself. Or when you first started learning how to ride a bike.
Tim: Remember that bike I built you?
Jill: Yeah, but...
Tim: The stingray, the small chassis thing, we did the metal plate paint job on that. It, it, it had a banana seat on it, we had a heated seat in that, we had a coil through that...[Jill covers Tim's mouth with her hand]
Jill: The point that your father will eventually get to is that no matter how many times you fell, you wouldn't let us hold onto the bike. You were determined to do it yourself.
Brad: I'm a genius. I taught myself how to eat and ride a bike.
Jill: You also taught yourself how to get A's in school. And you were very proud of yourself about that, weren't you?
Brad: Yeah, but I had to bust my butt.
Tim: Hey, when I was in school English was my worst subject...
Jill: I thought it was history.
Tim: Well, well history and English...
Jill: What about Spanish?
Tim: Put an elcorko in it senõrita, all right. [Brad laughs] The worst part of English to me was creative writing, where I had to, to express all these great ideas I had. And it was really hard to me, but I worked at it and worked it out, and I got better grades and I felt great because of that.
Brad: Yeah, I gotta admit, getting those A's felt pretty good.
Jill: The greatest accomplishments in your life are going to be the things you really have to work hard for.
Brad: I guess you're right.
Tim: Of course she's right. Look at me, I was finally able to express my ideas and one of them eventually became the "Man's Bedroom." [Jill and Brad smile and shake their heads]
Cut to the Taylor house.
[Tim and Jill are sitting together on the couch. Randy enters from the backyard]
Randy: Hey. [Walks over to the couch where Tim and Jill are sitting]
Tim: Hey Randy.
Randy: Could, ah, one of you pick me up after school tomorrow?
Jill: Yeah. High school or junior high school?
Randy: Junior high school but then, ah, you have to take me to the high school.
Jill: Extra curricular activity?
Randy: Un hu, detention. [Both Tim and Jill look at Randy]
Jill: You're getting detention in high school now?
Randy: It wasn't my fault.
Tim: Well, who's fault was it?
Randy: Look, I was trying to concentrate on my work and all these kids kept on bugging me about the "Man's Bedroom." [Jill looks away from Randy not believing it. Tim is falling for it]
Tim: Really?
Randy: In your dreams, Pop. [Randy leaves]

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