Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

The Vasectomy One

Episode No# 116
Written by:
Rosalind Moore, Howard J. Morris
Directed by:
Andy Cadiff
Transcript by:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Guest Cast
Heidi - Debbe Dunning
Harry - Blake Clark
Benny - Jim Labriola
Marty - William O'Leary
Dr. Kaplan - Caroline McWilliams
June Palmer - Gretchen German
Angela - Kristin Clayton
Episode begins at the "Tool Time" studio. Tim, Al and June Palmer are recording the show.
Tim: Welcome back to "Gadget Corner."
June: Next we have an air-powered appliance mover. [June goes over to a refridgerator with the appliance mover in place beneath it]
Tim: Now actually, this is a very useful device. I have one of these myself. It's an easy way to move furniture around without worrying about scratching the floor or hurting your back.
June: [Pointing to the mover] These panels are attached to a blower unit.
Tim: Right. And Marv if you want to close in here, I'll show you these. [The camera zooms in on the panels] The air is forced into these aluminum air beams.
June: This creates enough air pressure to lift weights of up to 700 pounds.
Tim: Which is how Al moves his mom room-to-room.
Al: Tim - would you - [Tim pretends to be Al's mom moving on an air cushion] can we just - can we just demonstrate this please? [Tim gestures for June to continue]
June: You just sling the unit over your shoulder and turn it on [June switches on the air blower] and move your refridgerator effortlessly. [June glides the refridgerator across the floor]
Al: Wow. [Tim & Al applaud] Yeah, great.
[The audience applauds and cheers]
Tim: And actually, it's very useful. You can see how useful this is, but it only will raise it about an inch-and-a-quarter, looks like. What happens if you have to move it up a step?
Al: Well then, you would do it the old-fashioned way by the sweat of your brow.
Tim: Let me show you how I'll do it. Heidi, my slightly-tweaked furniture mover please. [Heidi wheels in the furniture mover on a bench]
Heidi: Here you go Tim.
Tim: Thank you Heidi. With a few modifications I've made on this thing, [Tim lifts the much larger air blower onto his shoulder. Heidi wheels the bench away] I'll now be able to lift that thing about a foot-and-a-half. Help me out here. [Heidi unplugs the hose from June's air blower and plugs it into the new one. June looks towards the crew to see if they know what's going on] Alright. Thank you Heidi. Just, uh, [Tim hoists the blower back onto his shoulder. Heidi holds it steady] switch her on. [Tim switches the blower on and the refridgerator raises off the floor] There you go. Lifts it - oh. [The hose pops out of the blower and the refridgerator shoots across the studio and flattens a crew member against a wall]
[Opening credits]
Cut to the living room.
[Brad is doing his homework at the table. Randy enters from the backyard, carrying a sheet of paper]
Randy: Hey Brad, guess what I got? [Randy shows Brad the piece of paper] The girls best and worst list.
Brad: I can't believe you got that. [Randy goes to hang up his jacket. Mark comes over from the computer]
Mark: What is it?
Brad: All the girls in the high school pass around this list that says what they like about guys, y'know like best hair, best eyes, best personality.
Randy: And guess who has best butt? [Randy stands smuggly]
Brad: No way. Lemme see.
Randy: Look all you want! [Randy turns around and pulls up his sweater. He waggles his butt from side-to-side]
Brad: Not your butt, idiot. The list. [Brad comes over to Randy. Randy gives him the list] I can't believe I'm not on here. How could I lose best eyebrows to Joey Pegunas? He only has one! [Jill enters. Brad and Mark head upstairs]
Mark: Hi Mom.
Brad: Hi Mom.
Jill: Hi guys. [Randy is examining the reflection in the window of his butt] Why are you standing like that?
Randy: I'm just appreciating a work of art! [Randy leaves. Tim enters from the garage]
Jill: Do you think the kids are getting weirder?
Tim: Oh, I think they've moved way past weird; they're into that frightening category now.
Jill: Wait till I tell you about what I found out at school today. [Jill takes off her jacket] You know my friend Patty?
Tim: That woman you like cuz she's older than you?
Jill: Yeah. Get a load of this: she's pregnant.
Tim: That's great. [Tim looks for something in the fridge]
Jill: Patty doesn't think it's so great. She's 43-years-old. She's got teenagers at home. She was so thrilled to be back at school and now everything's gonna change.
Tim: Well maybe Patty and Mr. Patty should have used some precautions.
Jill: They were using precautions. The same kind we use.
Tim: [Grunts] Oh-no! [Jill nods]
Jill: I wouldn't want to find myself in that boat. [Tim takes a yoghurt out of the fridge]
Tim: I wouldn't want to find myself in that harbor.
Jill: Tim, we're pretty much in agreement that our family is complete, right?
Tim: No more frightening weirdos.
Jill: Are you sure?
Tim: Positive.
Jill: Well then, maybe we should think about some more definative action, you know, something more permanent.
Tim: Separate bedrooms?
Jill: Tim.
Tim: It's great. You want a more permanent solution, you have my total support.
Jill: Honey, I'm talking about you getting a vasectomy.
Tim: Ooh-uhh-you've lost my support. I thought you were talking about the tube-tying thing.
Jill: Well I am talking about the tube-tying thing except it's your tubes.
Tim: You can back up that clip-ship right now.
Jill: Honey, it is much safer for a man to get a vasectomy than it is for a woman to have a tubuligation.
Tim: Says who? The Wives With Knives club?
Jill: Now look, if I do this I have to check into the hospital, go under general anaesthetic and have surgery. When a man has a vasectomy just right there in the doctor's office, it's much less invasive.
Tim: [Tim laughs] Let me tell you something. Anytime you're dealing with the downtown area, it's pretty darn invasive.
Jill: My gynaecologist gave me the name of a very good urologist. Can we just go talk to this Dr. Kaplan?
Tim: What are we talking about? Why are we slamming the door on having more kids anyway?
Jill: A minute ago you weren't too crazy about the ones we have. You called them frightening weirdos.
Tim: I said that in a very positive light. I love those little guys. Hey kids, get down here! Daddy wants to tell you how much he loves you!
Cut to Harry's Hardware store, later that day.
[Harry & Al are working in the shop. Tim is looking around. Benny is reading the paper. Marty enters]
Marty: Hey guys.
Harry: Hey Marty.
Tim: Hey Marty.
Marty: Hey Benny.
Benny: Hey Marty. [Marty takes off his jacket] Nice sweater.
Tim: Now that reminds me of something. When one of the kids spits up after eating a whole box of crayons.
Marty: That's very funny, yeah.
Harry: Jeez, who dresses you? Your wife?
Marty: I got - she didn't dress me. She just bought it and made me wear it. [Marty makes himself a coffee]
Tim: You are getting very hen-pecked Martin.
Marty: Speaking of pecked, I heard about, er, your little visit with the urologist tomorrow.
Tim: Marty, that's not public information, O.K?
Al: What's the matter? Are you sick?
Tim: No, no.
Al: Ah?
Tim: Uh-uh.
Harry: It's your prostate, right? Mine's as big as a Florida grapefruit.
Marty: Ah no, Jill's making Tim get a vasectomy.
Tim: Marty.
Harry: A vasectomy?
Al: Wow.
Benny: Oh my God. Jill's getting you fixed?
Tim: I'm not getting a vasectomy. I'm just talking about it, O.K?
Marty: Yeah well. All I know is I, I'd never let Nancy let me get clipped, y'know. I mean who wants someone coming at you with a set of these? [Marty starts clipping with a pair of shears]
Al: That's not what they use.
Benny: Then what does the vet use to cut them off?
Tim: What?! You don't go to a vet, you go to a doctor. They don't cut anything off, they just tie something off inside of you.
Benny: I would still never get a vasectomy.
Harry: Well, why would you ever need one? [Tim laughs]
Marty: Yeah, well all I know is I'd, once you have that happen you're, you're a changed man.
Al: You are not. It doesn't change you at all.
Marty: Tell that to my dog! We had Boomer neutered, he was a changed animal. All he does now is, he just runs around in circles all day and chews on my slippers.
Tim: He always did that Marty.
Marty: Yeah, but now he does it and he's got this real sad look on his face! [Marty & Benny laugh]
Tim: You know, I don't want to talk about this anymore, alright?
Marty: Hey, you'd better talk about it now cuz after you get it done, you're [In a high voice] gonna be talking like this! [Marty & Benny crack up]
Benny: You could be your own tool girl! [Tim pretends to laugh with them]
Tim: That's real funny guys.
Al: You know, I think you're all being very insensitive. A vasectomy is a noble way for a man to take responsibility. Tim is making a very loving choice.
Tim: Shut up Al.
Harry: What do you do Al? Sit on the can all day reading Ladies Home Journal?
Marty: Hey Tim, pass me the potato chips would ya?
Tim: Do I look like a waiter to you?
Marty: Forget the chips. Got any nuts?
Cut to the doctor's office, the next day.
[Tim is pacing around, looking at his watch. Jill is sitting in a chair]
Tim: I think we should go. I don't think the doctor's gonna be here.
Jill: Honey, it's only been about thirty seconds.
Tim: Really? Seems like a lot longer, doesn't it?
Woman's Voice: Harold! Get back here! [A man wearing a gown runs past the door]
Tim: Another happy customer.
[Dr. Kaplan appears at the door - and is a woman]
Dr. Kaplan: Hi Mr. and Mrs. Taylor. I'm Dr. Kaplan. I'll be with you in a minute. [She leaves] Harold!
Tim: A woman? You brought me here to see a woman?
Jill: I didn't know she was a woman. My gynaecologist just said Dr. Kaplan was the best urologist in town.
Tim: How am I supposed to talk to a woman about what's going on in "man land?"
Jill: "Man land?" Now you've got a theme park between your legs? Honey, you don't have to have the surgery done by a woman. But as long as we're here, we might as well, y'know, listen to what she has to say. [Tim sits down next to Jill. Dr. Kaplan enters]
Dr. Kaplan: Sorry to keep you waiting. [Dr. Kaplan shuts the door and sits at her desk] So, what brings you here today?
Jill: Ah, we're interested in a vasectomy.
Tim: She's more interested than I am.
Dr. Kaplan: That's not uncommon. But let me assure you Mr. Taylor, this is a very safe procedure; it's done right here in the office.
Jill: And it's totally foolproof, right?
Dr. Kaplan: Almost a hundred per cent.
Tim: What if I decide to change my mind?
Dr. Kaplan: Well, in some cases it can be reversed but you shouldn't count on that as an option.
Tim: No, I mean change my mind about being here. Which I think I have. [Tim starts up get up. Jill stops him]
Jill: Tim, Tim, Tim, wait, wait, wait, wait. Um, my husband, I think, is just concerned about how this is going to affect his performance.
Tim: Honey! Ha-ha. Let me handle this. You see, I put on a good show. And I just want to make sure the curtain doesn't come down in the middle of the first act.
Dr. Kaplan: This will not in any way affect your sexual function. [Dr. Kaplan gets out some leaflets] We simply cut off the flow of sperm --
Tim: -- oh boy -- [Dr. Kaplan gives Tim & Jill a leaflet each]
Dr. Kaplan: -- to prevent it from entering the seminal stream.
Tim: Um-um. So I'm fish without bait now.
Dr. Kaplan: No bait.
Jill: Why don't you tell us what's involved in the procedure.
Tim: Yeah, I'm dying to here this.
Dr. Kaplan: Well, the morning of your appointment you'd have to shave in the area where I'll be making the incisions.
Tim: Shave? Here?
Dr. Kaplan: It's just a routine procedure.
Tim: Not in my house it's not! What d'you think? I wake up in the morning, brush my teeth, comb my hair, and shave ping and pong?
Jill: Well, you could go to a barber but it might be a little awkward. [Tim looks at Jill. Dr. Kaplan picks up a flip-chart]
Dr. Kaplan: The first thing I do is give you a shot that's a local.
Tim: Local like here in Detroit?
Dr. Kaplan: No local like here in your scrotum.
Tim: Oh boy.
Dr. Kaplan: That does sting for a few seconds.
Tim: You'd think?
Dr. Kaplan: Then I make two small cuts and simply divide and tie up the tubes. The discomfort is really very minimal.
Tim: Yeah, why don't you tell that to the boys in the basement.
Dr. Kaplan: You'll be back to normal in a few days. The only restriction at all is that you won't be able to drive home that day.
Tim: What? I can't drive? Forget about it. [Tim gets up]
Jill: [Jill gets up] Now, what do you mean "forget about it?"
Tim: [Tim gets his jacket] Honey, honestly I was really into it up till that point. The driving thing, that iced it. [Tim opens the door]
Jill: It's just one day!
Tim: Look, it's bad enough to separate a man from his sperm, but to separate a man from his car - that's inhuman. Harold, wait up! [Tim leaves]
[Commercial break]
Cut to the living room, a little later.
[Randy is admiring his butt in the window. Mark enters from the backyard]
Mark: Are you getting tired of looking at your butt?
Randy: Surprisingly, no. Mark, let me tell you something no-one's ever gonna tell you in life: looks matter and [Randy sniffs] ah - I got 'em!
Mark: Just too bad you're sitting on 'em! [Mark heads upstairs. Brad & Angela enter through the front door] Brad.
Brad: 'Kay. Now seriously Angela, are my eyebrows better than Joey Pegunas's?
Angela: Yeah! I told you I voted for you. [Brad and Angela take off their jackets]
Brad: [Brad sighs] I can't believe I lost to a guy with a caterpillar over his eyes.
Randy: Hey Brad, hey Angela.
Angela: Hey Randy. How're you doing?
Randy: Great. You happen to see the latest list? You know I made best butt.
Angela: [Very fast] Yeah, I heard. You know who started this? Alison Loo. She was having, like, this huge fight with her boyfriend Jeff Meagle who has the cutest butt in the whole entire world. Cuz he was ignoring her, talking to different things, so she decided to get back at him by making up this list and instead of, like, putting his cute butt on it, she decided to pick out the scrawniest butt in the school which was you. Maybe I shouldn't have told you that.
Randy: You think?
Angela: I'm sorry. [Randy leaves] Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed. [Very fast] Why didn't you tell me he didn't know?
Brad: Because --
Angela: [Very fast] -- Because if I had known that he didn't know, I wouldn't have said anything because I'm usually really careful about what comes out of my mouth. [Brad and Angela go upstairs. Tim & Jill enter from the garage]
Jill: Tim, didn't you hear one word that doctor said?
Tim: Yeah, yeah. She wants to take the Zip-A-Dee out of my Doo-Dah.
Jill: Look, I know how hard it was for you to even talk to that doctor, but I'd hoped that once we got out of there we could have a rational, reasonable discussion about it.
Tim: We did: in the car on the way home.
Jill: All you did all the way home was come up with one ridiculous excuse after another.
Tim: That's not true. I merely said that for this sort of thing, it might be better to wait for warmer weather.
Jill: I'll knit you a little sweater.
Tim: You heard what she said: shots, shaving. You don't understand about the pain down there. [Tim turns on the TV]
Jill: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. [Jill turns off the TV] I don't understand about the pain down there? I who had three children ripped from my loins? In what is laughingly described as "natural" childbirth?
Tim: Oh boy, here we go. The pain of childbirth. Isn't there a statute of limitations on this?
Jill: Isn't there a statute of limitations on you being a complete bonehead?
Tim: Oh. [Tim gets up and walks around the room. Jill follows him]
Jill: You are totally unwilling to accept responsibility for what I have accepted total responsibility for soley since we met.
Tim: This is not about accepting responsibility. This is about me being neutered and chewing on my slippers! [Tim gets his jacket]
Jill: Who said anything about you being neutered?
Tim: Certain experts I talked to.
Jill: Oh, what experts? Harry and Benny? Where'd they get their degrees? University of I'm an idiot?
Tim: Well, they may be idiots but they think exactly like I do. [Tim goes into the backyard]
Cut to the backyard.
Wilson: Oh, is that you neighbor?
Tim: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi Wilson. What're you doing?
Wilson: Well, I'm gathering some twigs for my tararium. It's mating time for my new spiders. Y'know Tim, it's a little know fact but the male spider's sex organ is located at the end of one of it's legs.
Tim: Better keep that spider away from Jill. It won't have a leg to stand on.
Wilson: [Wilson is confused] I'm not sure I follow.
Tim: She wants, um, she wants me to have a vasectomy.
Wilson: Ah! I follow.
Tim: Y'know, I know a lot of guys get them, but I'm just not one of those guys. I don't want anybody messing, y'know, with, er.
Wilson: [Wilson chuckles] Well Tim, it's perfectly natural for a man to be proud of his virility. It gives him a sense of power to be able to pass down his genes.
Tim: [Grunting] Yeah, I like the power of my genes. Oh-oh-oh.
Wilson: As a matter of fact, in many cultures a man is measured by his ability to procreate. In the Zulu tribe of Quazulu Natal, the more children a man has, the higher his status.
Tim: Well, I don't want to have any more children. I just like knowing that I can.
Wilson: Hmm.
Tim: When Jill first told me she was pregnant, I never felt more like a man.
Wilson: Well, that's perfectly understandable.
Tim: I knew a guy would understand.
Wilson: I also understand there are lots of other things that make you a man.
Tim: Such as?
Wilson: Well, the way you live your life, take care of your kids, your commitment to Jill.
Tim: So I sh- I sh- I should get a vasectomy.
Wilson: Oh Tim, I can't tell you what to do. I do know that if I had a vasectomy, I would not feel like any less of a man.
Tim: If you had one, neither would I.
Cut to the "Tool Time" studio, backstage.
[Harry comes running after Tim]
Harry: Hey Tim!
Tim: Hey Harry. What're you doing here? Did the guys come up with another vasectomy joke?
Harry: Ah, actually we came up with twelve. That's not why I'm here. I, er, I came to apologize for the other day. We were, er, we were a little rough on you.
Tim: Hey, no kidding. Harry, I can take a joke, O.K?
Harry: Yeah. Y'know Tim, lots of guys have had vasectomies and they're just as manly as they ever were.
Tim: Oh yeah? You name one.
Harry: [Harry looks around] Me.
Tim: [Grunts] Uh?
Harry: Yeah I, er, I had one five years ago.
Tim: Really. Well at least we know it doesn't make your voice any higher.
Harry: Actually it did!
Tim: If you got a vasectomy five years ago, why didn't you say something in your store the other day?
Harry: Oh, in front of those jerks? Look how they went after you.
Tim: I can't believe you had a vasectomy.
Harry: Well, Delores wanted to have her tubes tied and she was really scared about the operation, y'know, she's been through childbirth four times, and. Well, I've been to 'Nam, I've been shot, stabbed, kicked, hit, bit, and mortared, strafe bombed, I figured, hey, what's a snip or two.
Tim: Y'know, this is amazing, really amazing. You know a guy all your life and you don't know what's going on under his pants. [Tim puts his hand on Harry's shoulder. Harry looks at the hand. Tim takes his hand away again]
Harry: Y'know, just between you and me, I mean, there's nothing to it. You feel exactly the same as you did before. The only difference is, is your sex life.
Tim: What happens to it?
Harry: Any time, any place.
Tim: [Laughing] Any time, any place.
Harry: You got it.
Tim: So this, this helped your relationship?
Harry: Well, nothing could help our relationship. But, er, our, our sex life is a lot better. Well just this morning, I was getting ready to go to work and Delores came in with curlers in her hair and nothing else --
Tim: -- Harry. You've helped enough.
Cut to the hall.
[Angela is coming down the stairs, with Jill]
Angela: [Very fast] I got sick of them, and I already promised my mom I'd be home for, like, five-thirty, and if I'm late she'll, like, lecture me and when shes gets started, she just goes on and on and on about every little thing. You can't get a word in edgeways. It's, like, a total drag. I don't know if you know any people like that.
Jill: Just one.
Angela: See ya.
Jill: Bye. [Angela leaves and Tim enters]
Angela: Hi.
Tim: Hi.
Angela: Bye.
Tim: Bye. [Tim shuts the door and walks over to Jill in the kitchen] Ooo, something smells good. What are we eating?
Jill: Take out.
Tim: Ah, my favorite. I think I'm, ah, ready to talk.
Jill: About?
Tim: About what you wanna talk about that I didn't want to talk about. [Tim takes off his jacket]
Jill: The vasectomy? [Jill starts setting the table]
Tim: Yeah. I think the trouble I'm having is that even though I don't wanna have any more children, um, the thought that I can't would kind of make me feel like...
Jill: Less of a man.
Tim: That would be it.
Jill: Tim, if I had my tubes tied, would you see me as less of a woman?
Tim: No.
Jill: Well then, why should it be any different for you?
Tim: And why would it be any different for me? [Jill comes over to Tim]
Jill: If you did this, not only would you be protecting me from surgery, but you'd be making a real commitment to me and our relationship. In my eyes that makes you more of a man.
Tim: [Grunting] I wanna be more of a man, yeah.
Jill: So what d'you think?
Tim: I think I have more questions.
Jill: O.K. Er, such as what?
Tim: Do they make a home kit so I can do it right here in the garage?
Jill: I don't think so. [Jill continues to set the table]
Tim: Could this count as your birthday present?
Jill: Absolutely, yeah. For once I wouldn't have to stand in line and return it.
Tim: And, um, while I'm preparing for this, will you go out a find me very, very mild aftershave?
Jill: [Jill laughs] Yeah, I'll work on that, yeah.
Tim: Gotta be careful about slapping it on too.
Cut to the backyard, some days later.
[The boys runs towards the door from the house]
Mark: Alright, we're going to the park.
Randy: We'll be back in a little bit.
Brad: Yeah.
Jill: O.K. Well, dinner's at six.
Brad: Alright, we'll be here.
Jill: Alright. [The boys leave]
Cut to the kitchen.
[Jill opens the freezer and takes out some food. When she shuts the door, Tim is standing behind it. Jill jumps]
Jill: Honey, I don't know if this vasectomy was such a good idea. [Tim takes the food from Jill and puts it on the counter]
Tim: Sure it was. Anywhere, any time. [Tim kisses Jill]
Jill: Kitchen counter?
Tim: No, no, no. The attic.
Jill: No, that was too dusty. Maybe we should try some place we haven't been in a while.
Tim & Jill: The bedroom! [Tim & Jill race upstairs]
[Outtake from earlier scene. Cut to the kitchen]
Tim: Um, while I'm preparing for this, will you go out a find me very, very mild aftershave?
Jill: [Jill laughs] I'd work on it, yes. [Tim & Jill kiss]
Tim: Remind me not to use toilet paper if I nick myself. [Jill grimaces]

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