Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

Fear of Flying

Episode No# 117
Written By:
Max Eisenberg
Directed By:
Andy Cadiff
Transcript by:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Guest Cast
Heidi - Debbe Dunning
Bud Harper - Charlie Robinson
Mrs. Kluzewsk - Pat Crawford Brown
Commander Kenneth D. Bowersox - Himself
Dr. Katheryn C. Thornton - Herself
Dr. Albert Sacco Jr. - Himself
Dr. Fred W Leslie - Himself
Dr. Catherine C. Coleman "Cady" - Herself
Episode begins on a "Tool Time" location. Tim & Al are working on a project house. Bud pulls up in his truck
Al: Whoah, that must be Bud's new truck.
Tim: I told you he was getting one.
Al: Ya. Hi, Mr. Harper. So what brings you out on location?
Bud: Well, what brings me out here is I'm your boss and I sign your paycheck.
Al: And what lovely penmanship you have sir.
Tim: Al, nobody likes a suck-up.
Bud: Oh, uh by the way Tim, thanks for the custom gearshift knob you got me for my truck.
Tim: It's O.K., boss. [Heidi comes out of the house]
Heidi: Bud, there's a telephone call for you inside.
Bud: Thanks Heidi.
Heidi: Sure. [Bud goes inside]
Tim: Alright Al. Once we go on the air, I'll go up and nail that facia board, and you'll give the tips on winter painting. Alright.
Al: Be careful Tim. You don't want to drop anything on Bud's new truck. [Tim climbs the ladder up onto the platform above the garage]
Tim: Why don't you just move it. Heidi I'll need some masking tape.
Heidi: Sure. Here you go. [Heidi throws some tape to Tim]
Tim: Thanks. [Al gets into Bud's truck]
Al: Hey Tim, this new gearshift knob you have doesn't have any numbers or letters on it. Which one is reverse?
Tim: Uh, over and down. [Al starts the truck and puts it into gear] No up, up and over than... My left. Your left would be my, my - my left. Yeah.
[Al drives the truck forward into the garage, knocking Tim off the platform and into the back of the truck. Tim drops a can of paint which spills over the truck. Al reverses out of the garage and gets out of the truck]
Al: Tim, are you alright?
Tim: Oh, ya. Oh, ya. The truck broke my fall.
Al: Oh, no, look at this truck. D--d-do you think we can clean the paint off before Bud sees it? [Bud comes out of the house]
Bud: Oh, no
[Opening credits]
Cut to the kitchen.
[Mark is sat at the table, working on a model plane. Tim comes over]
Tim: Hey, Mark. Looking good.
Mark: Thanks. I've only got one more decal to put on and I'm done. How are you doing?
Tim: What do you think? [Tim picks up his model plane - which has monster truck wheels on it]
Mark: It doesn't really look like a Spitfire.
Tim: That's because It's a combination, Spitfire and Mustang. I don't know what to call it. A Spitstang or a Musfire.
Mark: I've never seen magwheels on a plane before...
Tim: Four. A rear spoiler and dual exhaust, huh.
Mark: Why would you need all that stuff?
Tim: In case you pull up next to a guy in a cloud who wants to race, that's why. [Jill enters through the front door]
Jill: Hi guys.
Tim: Hi honey.
Mark: Dad and I are finished building our planes.
Jill: Oh, wow. Mark your Spitfire looks great.
Tim: How about mine?
Jill: I think you should spit on it and set it on fire.
Mark: I think this is the best one I've made so far. I'm going to go put it with my others.
Jill: It's beautiful. I'm so glad you've found a hobby. [Mark takes the plane upstairs] It's just so great. He finally found something he likes doing.
Tim: No one could be happier than me. One thing I always said about my boys: if they can't learn to love cars, please God let them love something with an engine.
Jill: You know where you could take him. The, uh, Yankee Air Museum, I just read they're having some kind of special exhibit. [Jill starts setting the table for dinner]
Tim: That's a great idea. I'll take him Saturday. I won't have to suffer through one of your piano lessons again.
Jill: Excuse me. Did you say suffer?
Tim: Well, suffer in a good way. We all know that suffering makes us stronger.
Jill: Tim, do you have any idea how lame that was?
Tim: I'm- I never sure till I'm done.
Cut to the piano in the hall, Saturday
[Jill is playing for her teacher. She is playing Für Elise - badly]
Jill: You know, I really need to get this piano tuned.
Mrs. Kluzewsk: I don't think it's the piano. You obviously haven't been practicing.
Jill: Oh, yes, I have.
Mrs. Kluzewsk: Thirty minutes a day?
Jill: Yes.
Mrs. Kluzewsk: Every day?
Jill: Every day almost. [Brad & Randy run downstairs]
Randy: Which means once a week.
Brad: And when she is playing, she's usually talking on the phone.
Randy: Complaining how annoying her teacher is.
Mrs. Kluzewsk: Really?
Jill: No. No. Not you. That's my psychology teacher. Yeah. Thanks a lot boys. You've been a big help.
Brad: Hey, anytime. [Brad & Randy leave through the front door]
Mrs. Kluzewsk: Jill, why do you want to play the piano?
Jill: Well, um, when I was a child, everybody said that I showed a lot of promise.
Mrs. Kluzewsk: Apparently, that promise has been broken.
Jill: Are you saying I should just give up?
Mrs. Kluzewsk: No. I'm saying that if you want to learn to play you have to commit to it and focus.
Jill: I am focussed. I'm focussed. I'm - It's just, I have a very hectic schedule, you know, I-I have three boys and, and my husband is insane, and, and I go to school, I had tons of homework this week--
Mrs. Kluzewsk: Can it. I've been teaching for 50 years. I've heard every excuse in the book. I broke a nail; dog ate my music; had to go fight in World War II.
Jill: Fighting for your country is not a good excuse?
Mrs. Kluzewsk: Not for me. Jill, I have no tolerance for slackers. If you want to be my student, you have to practice 30 minutes every day and focus, focus, focus.
Jill: You know, I love what you're doing with your hair.
Cut to the living room, later that day.
[Jill playing the piano off-key in the background. Brad & Randy are trying to work]
Brad: Man, I thought when you practiced you were supposed to get better.
Randy: That only works if you have a little thing called talent.
Brad: You know maybe it's just us.
[Jill plays another wrong chord]
Randy: It's not us.
Brad: Hey, I've got an idea, come on. Hey Mom, the music sounds fantastic. [Brad & Randy go over to Jill. Jill stops playing]
Jill: You think?
Brad: Yeah, I mean, I actually thought I was listening to a radio.
Jill: Well, I still have the rest of the half hour to do, you know. I have to play this four more times.
Randy: That would be a big mistake.
Jill: Really. How come?
Randy: There is a danger in overpracticing. [Jill grabs Randy and pulls him towards her]
Jill: There's a bigger danger in trying to pull a fast one on your mother. Now listen guys. I'm going to play this until I get it right.
Brad: Alright. But don't blame us when you miss your grandchildren's weddings.
[Jill starts playing again. Brad & Randy go upstairs. Mark & Tim enter through the front door]
Tim: Sounds great. I thought I was listening to the radio.
Jill: Brad and Randy already tried that.
Tim: Really. Did they try this? If you don't stop playing that piano I'm going to kill myself. [Jill stops playing the piano and comes over to Tim & Mark]
Jill: No they didn't. How was the airplane museum.
Mark: The best. You should see what they have there Mom.
Tim: A B-52 Stratofortress, and our favorite, an F-102 Delta Dagger. And best of all, no piano.
Mark: And they let us go up in one of those turboprops.
Jill: Ooh, one of those, er, simulator things?
Tim: No. A little plane.
Jill: You took him up in a little plane?
Tim & Mark: Yeah!
Jill: Those things are disasters waiting to happen. They're like "Tool Time" with wings.
Tim: No they're not.
Mark: Dad said I could, you know, take flying lessons if you said it was O.K.
Jill: Oh, did he.
Tim: He might have.
Mark: So what do you say?
Jill: I say that this is one of those things that your father and I need to discuss in private.
Mark: O.K. But just remember, I've never wanted to do anything more in my entire life. [Mark goes upstairs]
Jill: Only you could turn a trip to the museum into a journey to death.
Tim: Before you get all bent out of shape, let's just take a look at the facts in here. [Tim shows Jill a brochure]
Jill: No, here is a fact, there is no one who's going to convince me that an 11-year old child should be taking flying lessons.
Tim: They teach a lot of kids how to fly, a lot of them are younger than Mark.
Jill: That doesn't make it safe.
Tim: That's w- they have a lot of sis-tis- sis- sis-tid-- There's stat- tistis- there's t-t-t-- there's facts in here that show that flying a small plane is safer than driving a car.
Jill: Well sure, the way you drive.
Tim: Look. Look. Look. He'd be trained by highly experienced instructors who have logged over 1000 hours in this pla--
Jill: I don't care if its a million hours. It only takes 10 seconds to crash.
Tim: Honey, honey, honey. We, in the aviation business don't use the word "crash." It-it- it sounds so... negative.
Jill: Well, honey, some of us think a plane going down in flames is kind of a negative thing.
Tim: These planes are perfectly safe. They're checked every 100 hours, they inspect the engine, the air frame--
Jill: Do they inspect the brains of the parents who sign their kids up for these classes?
Tim: Maybe. Read the brochure. I haven't read the whole thing.
Jill: Tim, there is no way that I'm gonna let Mark do this, no way.
Tim: He's finally found something he likes to do, he's got a hobby now.
Jill: No, no! Fishing is a hobby, building model planes, that's a hobby. Flying Kamikaze missions over Detroit, not a hobby.
Tim: Kamikaze missions?
Jill: Ya.
Tim: You know what happens when a mother babies her son like this? He turns into Al. [Mark comes into the kitchen]
Mark: So can I take flying lessons?
Jill: I'm sorry honey. But your father and I discussed it, and we decided that it's really not a good idea.
Mark: In other words Mom said "no" and you caved.
Tim: I didn't cave. She thinks -- sheee-and-III-- think it'd be better if you got a little older to take these lessons.
Mark: How old?
Tim: Have your ever heard of a man named Methuselah?
[Commercial break]
Cut to the "Tool Time" studio.
[Tim & Al are taping the show]
Tim: Hi there. Welcome back to a very special "Tool Time". Al, I guess we should move back to our interview area.
Al: Better yet, let's have the interview area move to us.
Tim: Good idea. Heidi, the interview area, please. [Heidi presses the button and the interview area opens up]
Heidi: Here you go, Tim.
Al: Two years ago, we were fortunate enough to have the crew of the space shuttle Endeavour.
Tim: Today, we're honoured to meet the crew of the space shuttle Columbia. It's amazing that they're here, right?
Al: Yes it is. Especially afer you tried to steal one of the Endeavour crew's space tools.
Tim: I didn't steal one, I wanted to borrow it, in case I was taking my family to the gas giant. That would be Jupiter, not your mother.
Al: Ladies and gentlemen, let's have a warm welcome for the crew of the space shuttle Columbia.
[Audience applauds. The space shuttle crew enter. Tim and the crew sit at the interview area]
Tim: First, let's welcome Ken Bowersox, who's been here with us before on "Tool Time." He was with the space shuttle Endeavour last time. Welcome aboard.
Ken: Thank-you Tim. For the record, I'd just like to say that you did try to steal that tool.
Tim: And for the record I'd just like to say, Bowersox is still a real funny name. Next to Ken is Cady Coleman. And next to her Kathryn Thornton, who's spent over a 1000 hours in space.
Kathryn: That's right, Tim. Tim, but 21 of those hours were outside the cabin.
Tim: Anything to get away from Ken, huh?
Kathryn: No, Tim. We were doing things like trying to repair the Hubble Space Telescope.
Tim: Uh, you don't have to cover for him.
Al: And last but not least, Payload Specialists Fred Leslie and Al Sacco.
Tim: Let me ask you guys a question, that I'm sure most of us want to know. Are your mother's worried about you being in outer space? Ken?
Ken: Ah no, my mom never has a problem with me orbiting around the Earth. She only gets nervous when I fly in those small airplanes.
Tim: Jill, I'm sure he's just kidding around. So, uh, Al, guess what I have in common with all these astronauts?
Al: You've all had a fire lit under your butt and shot into space?
Tim: Well, that and Ph.D. If you remember, a couple of months ago I got a Ph.D. All the astronauts also have Ph.Ds
Ken: Actually, Tim, that's not true. Everyone has one but me.
Tim: Well, isn't that a shame Ken? Do you guys razz him for not having a doctorate?
Cady: No, we don't Tim.
Tim: Why not?
Cady: Cuz he's the Commander.
Al: Uh, Fred, why don't you tell us a little something about what you guys did up there.
Fred: Well, Al, we had a 16-day mission and we conducted a number of scientific experiments.
Al Sacco: And we focused on things like the physics of fluids.
Tim: Hm-hm! Give me a couple of beers, I'll teach you all you need to know about the physics of fluids.
Ken: Then I guess our mission was completely unnecessary.
Tim: Before the astronauts went off into space, I-er, I put a little care package together for N.A.S.A., a special screwdriver I made and some classic episodes of "Tool Time".
Al Sacco: And they came in very handy.
Tim: Who got to use the screwdriver?
Kathryn: That was me Tim, and I brought along a videotape of me using it in space.
Tim: Thanks, Kathryn. Heidi, let's take a look at it.
[On the T.V. it shows Kathryn spinning around]
Al: Congratulations, Tim, on your first intergalactic screw-up.
Tim: Well, you enjoyed the "Tool Time" episodes, didn't you?
Fred: We watched them every night. It really helped us unwind after a hard day in space.
Tim: Let's take a look at that.
[On the T.V. it shows the crew asleep while "Tool Time" is on the T.V. in the cabin]
Tim: Ah, the Porta-potty episode...
Ken: We never slept better, Tim.
Cut to the piano
[Jill sits down at the piano and tries to play, but only gets muffled notes]
Jill: Brad! Randy! [Brad & Randy come donwstairs]
Brad: Yeah, Mom.
Jill: How do you explain this?
Randy: We were, uh, looking for the hamper in the middle of the night and obviously we were a little off.
Jill: Am I that bad?
Brad: Let me put it this way. Have you ever seen us pick up our dirty laundry before?
Jill: No. You're right. But now you can pick it up and go put it on the washing machine, O.K.? [Brad & Randy take their washing to the garage. Mark enters]
Jill: Hi, Mark. [Mark ignores Jill and goes into the kitchen. Jill follows him] You're still not talking to me? Oh, honey Look. Look. I got you something really cool. This is a P-38 Lightning. [Jill shows Mark the kit]
Mark: Keep it. I don't care about planes anymore.
Jill: Well, couldn't you find another hobby?
Mark: Like what-- stamp collecting?
Jill: Well, that'd be good. Or coins. Or paper weights. I, as a child, collected butterflies.
Mark: I, as a child, could care less. [Mark goes upstairs. Jill sees Wilson jumping up and down behind his fence. Jill grabs her jacket and goes into the backyard]
Cut to the backyard.
Jill: Wilson? [Wilson is wearing a swimming costume]
Wilson: Well, hi-ho good neighbor.
Jill: Are you trying to get pneumonia or rehearsing for a production of No, No, Nanette?
Wilson: No, no, no, Jill. Have you ever heard of the Polar Bear Club?
Jill: Yeah, It's that group of maniacs that swim in the middle of winter.
Wilson: Well, say hello to the head maniac. Boy, this can be an invigorating hobby.
Jill: Well, at least it's less dangerous than the one Mark wants to have. He wants to take flying lessons.
Wilson: Oh, hm-hmm, hm-hmm, hm-hmm.
Jill: Uh-hm. Yeah, and Tim is trying to convince me of how safe it is.
Wilson: Well Jill, as an experienced pilot I can assure you that learning with a licenced instructor is quite safe.
Jill: I didn't know you were a pilot.
Wilson: Oh, yes indeedy. I've logged over a 1000 hours since I flew spy planes during the war.
Jill: You were a spy?
Wilson: Hm-m.
Jill: Which war?
Wilson: I'm not at liberty to say.
Jill: Well, I-I-I just hate the idea of Mark flying in--
Wilson: Uh-huh.
Jill: --these planes. I mean, my father flew in those small military planes all the time--
Wilson: Right.
Jill: --and even though it was peacetime,--
Wilson: Uh-huh.
Jill: --my mother was always a basket case until he got back, you know, we all were.
Wilson: Well Jill, from what you tell me of your family, I'm reminded of the behavior of baboons. The studies have shown that the offspring of baboons pick up their parents fears, whether those fears are justified or not.
Jill: So you're saying that I'm afraid for Mark because my mother projected her fears on to me?
Wilson: Well, I can't say that for sure. Jill, have you ever been up in a small plane?
Jill: Of course. The Dumbo ride at Disney World.
Wilson: Well, I think what would really help you is to take a ride in a small aircraft just to see how darn safe they really are.
Jill: I don't think so. I'd be too scared.
Wilson: Well, are you really scared, or are you just echoing your mother's fears?
Jill: I don't know. I'd hate to think that I was passing my fears onto the kids though. And thanks to their father they're already afraid of glues, hammers, and anything in reverse.
Wilson: Well, I'd be glad to take you up. It's just that there are a few countries I can't fly over.
Jill: Which ones?
Wilson: I'm not at liberty to say.
Cut to the plane.
[Mark is flying the plane, instructed by Wilson. Tim & Jill are passengers]
Mark: How am I doing Wilson?
Wilson: Very well. Especially for someone who's never taken a flying lesson. You seem to have a natural aptitude.
Tim: He sure does. Hey, Mark, watch out for the skydiver over there by the crosswalk.
Wilson: How's it going back there, Jill?
Jill: Pretty good. It's not near as scary as I thought it would be.
Tim: Well, then perhaps you'd consider removing your fingernails from my thigh.
Jill: Sorry.
Mark: This is really cool, isn't it, Mom?
Jill: Way cool.
Tim: Boy, you can sure see a lot of stuff. Look, the Silverdome's ov-- [Tim gets up to point at the Silverdome but falls over, hitting a control] Whoops!
Wilson: Uh-oh.
Tim: What did I do?
Jill: "Whoops" is not a word I want to hear 2,000 feet up in the air.
[The engine shuts off]
Jill: Oh, my God. Oh, my God what's happening?
Wilson: Tim just hit the mixture control which caused the engine to die.
Jill: "Die" is even worse that "whoops."
Wilson: Don't panic, Jill. I'll just readjust the mixture, and I'll level the course. [The engine starts again] There. That's better.
Tim: I'm sorry everybody. Is there something I can do Wilson?
Wilson: Well actually Tim, there's a very special job I have for you.
Tim: Great. What is it?
Wilson: Take your hands..
Tim: Got them.
Wilson: Place them firmly under your butt...
Tim: O.K.
Wilson: And leave them there for the rest of the flight.
Mark: So, Mom, can I take flying lessons?
Jill: Yeah, as long as you leave your father home. Wilson can we land now?
Wilson: Land? I never learned how to do that.
Tim: He's kidding. You're kidding right?
Wilson: I'm not at liberty to say.
Cut to the piano
[Jill is playing Für Elise, badly. Her teacher comes over]
Mrs. Kluzewsk: What happened to focus, focus, focus?
Jill: It went out the window, window, window.
Mrs. Kluzewsk: Jill, you were supposed to practice every day.
Jill: I-- I tried, I tried! But my kids, they just kept stuffing their dirty laundry in my piano.
Mrs. Kluzewsk: Laundry in the piano?
Jill: Yeah. Yeah.
Mrs. Kluzewsk: Jill, if you weren't going to practice you might have spent the time coming up with a better excuse.
Cut to the "Tool Time" studio.
[Unused scene]
Tim: You know Bowersox up in space, you may be Commander, but down here I am in mission control. You guys are good at getting out of tight situations. Try this.
[Tim presses the button and the interview desk closes. Ken Bowersox gets trapped inside]
Tim: We'll be right back after these messages from Binford.

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