Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

The Longest Day

Episode No# 122
Written By:
Elliot Shoeman and Marley Sims
Directed By:
Andy Cadiff
Transcript by:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Guest Cast
Heidi - Debbe Dunning
Episode begins in the kitchen. Tim enters from the garage, and sees a lemon meringue on the counter.
Tim: [Grunts] Oh-ho-ho. [Tim takes off his jacket] Lemon meringue. Alright. [Tim takes a fork out of a drawer. Jill enters]
Jill: Don't touch that pie!
Tim: I wasn't going to touch it.
Jill: That's for after dinner.
Tim: I wasn't going to touch it.
Jill: Then, what were you doing with the fork?
Tim: I had a little itch, honey. [Tim scratches himself with the fork]
Jill: Oh...Stop. [Jill takes the fork from Tim] Boys come on, we got to go! [Jill moves the meringue to the other counter. Brad & Mark enter from upstairs. Brad is carrying a brown papper bag]
Mark: Why do we have to go to the doctor, if we're not sick?
Jill: For checkups.
Tim: What's in the bag?
Brad: Something that's gonna cut time off my doctor's appointment.
Tim: What?
Brad: You know how the doctor makes you go pee in the cup?
Tim: That's my favorite part. Except the cup is too small. I'd go with a salad bowl for me, huh?
Brad: Yeah, well my problem is I can't go under pressure.
Tim: So, you went in that bag? [Randy comes downstairs]
Brad: Of course not, I put it in a yogurt container.
Randy: I think he just found a flavour that'll never catch on.
Jill: We'll be back around five thirty.
Tim: Alright. Watch those speed bumps.
Jill: Goodbye. [Jill & the boys leave. Tim takes out another fork and walks over to the pie. From outside] Stay away from that pie! [Tim scratches himself with the fork]
[Opening credits]
Cut to the kitchen, a little later that day.
[Tim finishes eating the pie filling. Brad, Randy & Mark can be heard arguing]
Jill: Alright, alright. [Jill & the boys enter. Tim puts the meringue topping back on the empty pie dish, and puts it on the counter] We're back.
Tim: What kept you guys?
Randy: Oh, the doctor found boysenberry yoghurt in Brad's urine.
Brad: So I had to give him another sample without any fruit in it. Also Randy had to go to another doctor, and get a second blood test.
Tim: Why? [Brad & Mark go upstairs]
Randy: It's all Mom's fault. She told Doctor Medwick I've been kind of tired lately.
Tim: Well, you have been. I caught you on the couch the other day asleep at four o'clock.
Randy: Dad, I was watching "Tool Time".
Jill: Look, why don't you go do your homework, and we'll call you when dinner is ready, O.K.?
Randy: O.K. [Randy goes upstairs]
Tim: "Tool Time's" not that bad, is it?
Jill: Tim, we have to talk.
Tim: What's the matter?
Jill: It's about the doctor. Doctor Medwick wanted the extra blood test because he was concerned about something that he felt in Randy's neck. [Jill starts preparing dinner]
Tim: What did he feel?
Jill: Some swelling.
Tim: Swelling.
Jill: Yeah. So he sent us across the hall to this endocrinologist, [Jill sits down at the table] Doctor Kaufman, and she said she thought she felt a lump.
Tim: What kind of a lump?
Jill: A lump on his thyroid gland. She said they're usually benign.
Tim: Oh God!
Jill: Well, benign's the good one.
Tim: Oh good!
Jill: But there is a chance... a very slight chance that it could be malignant. [Tim takes a deep breath and sits down next to Jill] She said that it's, er, usually very treatable. It also could be something they call hypothyroidism. [Jill takes a leaflet out of her bag]
Tim: Hypo what?
Jill: It's, er, an underactive thyroid, it just means that he'd have to take a pill every day for the rest of his life, but other than that, he'd be totally normal.
Tim: Mm, boy! So, so it's eith..either a lump or hypo-thigh-master?
Jill: Hypothyroidism. [Jill points out the term on the leaflet]
Tim: Whew!
Jill: Now, there is a, a, a third possibility, and that is that it could just be a, a, a simple goiter.
Tim: A goiter?!
Jill: That's nothing.
Tim: So we want a goiter?
Jill: Yes, we want a goiter. [Tim sighs] Now a goiter is just a swelling, but it means that the thyroid is functioning normally.
Tim: Why didn't you call me? I would have come down there.
Jill: I couldn't do that. I didn't want Randy to know what's going on, until we knew what we were dealing with!
Tim: So he doesn't know anything about this?
Jill: No, none of the kids do. The whole way home I kept just telling Randy that nothing was wrong, he was probably just run-down, needs some vitamins. [Jill goes over to the kitchen] Meanwhile I went out of my mind, I thought I was just going to the doctor for a checkup, the next thing I know I'm talking to a specialist about lumps. [Jill starts to get upset. Tim comes over to her]
Tim: Hey, hey, hey, come here..., come on. [Tim hugs Jill]
Jill: This is my worst nightmare.
Tim: No, no, it's my worst nightmare too, O.K., O.K? It's alright. When do we hear something back from them?
Jill: Um, er, the Doctor, Doctor Kaufman said that she'll call by, er, six o'clock tomorrow.
Tim: And, and we want a goiter?
Jill: Yes, we want a goiter. So, how do we get through the next 24 hours.
Tim: Think real positive, just hope those tests come back proving that -- [Brad enters and gets himself a drink from the fridge] -- um, that laundry detergent does get our brights brighter and our whites whiter.
Jill: Yeah, yeah, y'know, I think it's gonna make the sheets much softer and more luxurious.
Tim: Yes! I like that, because it makes me feel pampered. [Brad gives them a strange look, then leaves. Jill takes a fork out of the drawer] What are you doing?
Jill: I need sugar.
Tim: Well, you won't find much in there.[Jill lifts up the meringue topping to reveal the empty pie case]
Cut to the kitchen, the next morning.
[Jill is cooking breakfast. Tim enters]
Tim: Ah! Smells good... Where am I? [Jill looks at Tim]
Jill: I'm making a big family breakfast: Eggs, bacon, and silver-dollar pancakes. That's Randy's favorite.
Tim: You're gonna tip him off, honey.
Jill: What do you mean by that?
Tim: If you make Randy something edible, he's gonna know there's something wrong. [Tim puts on his jacket]
Jill: Where are you going?
Tim: To work. I want you to call me if you hear anything, alright?
Jill: How can you possibly go to work today?
Tim: If I just sit around waiting for the doctor to call, I'll go crazy. I got to keep busy, which is something you should think about.
Jill: I'm gonna be plenty busy enough going over and over this in my mind.
Tim: Honey, it'll be alright.
Jill: I can't believe it. Yesterday, everytyhing's fine. [Tim and Jill hug] Today, we are talking about something as serious as -- [Brad enters]
Tim: -- as fabric softeners.
Jill: Yeah, well y'know there's nothing worse than static cling. That's why we need fabric softener. [Brad gives Jill a strange look]
Brad: What's going on here?
Jill: Nothing.
Brad: Mom, if you're cooking food like this, I mean, something's got to be up. I mean, we usually get burnt toast and mushy bananas.
Tim: It's our anniversary.
Brad: Your anniversary was two months ago.
Tim: [Pause] This is the anniverary... of the first time we had eggs.
Brad: Well... happy anniversary!
Jill: Thanks. [Brad takes a pancake and leaves] You're right, it's gonna tip him off. We have to get rid of all this food. [Jill starts throwing the food away]
Tim: Don't throw it out! Honey! [Randy enters]
Randy: Hey! Why are out throwing those out! I love silver-dollar pancakes.
Tim: There's a good reason for that.
Randy: What?
Tim: Cuz... I'm going to take you to breakfast.
Randy: You are?
Tim: Yeah! Grab your coat. Let's go out for breakfast, you and I, stop by the video arcade, play a little Mortal Massacre, huh?
Randy: Um..., but I'll be late for history.
Tim: Son, how many times have I told you. You can't live in the past.
Randy: Mom?
Jill: Oh, it's fine with me, that's great.
Randy: Great!
Tim: Let's go. [Randy gets his jacket and school bag]
Randy: Man, this is awesome! Skipping school, going out to breakfast, Mortal Massacre. I can't believe you guys are treating me so good. You know, if I don't know any better, I'd think I was dying. [Tim & Jill look at Randy] That was a joke guys!
Tim: [Fskes a laugh] It was a joke! I-I didn't get it at first, but I just got it. I got it! Tell your Mom, make sure she got it.
Randy: What's going on? This have anything to do with that blood test I took yesterday?
Jill: O.K., er. Yeah. But... There's nothing for you to worry about. Er, do you remember when the doctor was feeling your neck yesterday?
Randy: Yeah.
Jill: Well, um, she felt some swelling, which might be a goiter.
Tim: Which is nothing.
Randy: Then, why don't they call it nothing instead of a goiter?
Tim: Well, they're not exacly the same thing. I mean, y-y-you couldn't say "Tigers eight, Yankees goiter."
Randy: So, if it's not a goiter then what is it?
Jill: It also could be hypothyroidism, which just means that you have an underactive thyroid and you'd have to take a pill every day.
Tim: A very small pill.
Jill: Yeah.
Randy: So you guys are treating me like this, all because I might have to take a pill? I don't buy it.
Jill: Honey... We didn't want to worry you until the test results came back, but there is also a small chance...
Tim: A very small chance.
Jill: ...that you might have a lump on your thyroid that eventually would have to be removed.
Randy: So, I'd need an operation?
Tim: A very small one.
Randy: Would I have a scar?
Tim: A very small one.
Jill: Doctor Kaufman is going to call by six o'clock tonight.
Tim: She is a very small doctor. [Randy looks at his watch]
Randy: Well, um... I'd better get to school.
Tim: Um... um...
Jill: Well, y'know, you can stay home if you want to today, honey. We could just talk...
Randy: Mom, there is nothing to talk about. I'm fine.
Tim: What about the arcade?
Randy: I really shouldn't miss history.
Jill: Well, O.K. Bye-bye.
Randy: Bye. [Randy leaves through the back door]
Jill: You were right. I tipped him off. Well, what kind of a mother am I? I had to go and fix him a decent breakfast.
[Commercial break]
Cut to the "Tool Time" studio, backstage, a little later that day.
[Tim comes over to Heidi]
Tim: Heidi, did anybody call for me, like Jill or anybody?
Heidi: No. That's the third time you've asked. Is everything O.K.?
Tim: Everything's fine.
Heidi: Are you sure?
Tim: Yeah. [Tim hangs up his jacket]
Heidi: Hm. [Al enters] Good show, Al! [Heidi leaves]
Al: You know, Tim, far be it from me to criticize a colleague, but your performance out there today was, was a little dull.
Tim: Well, who'd know better then the human yawn.
Al: What was the matter with you out there?
Tim: I didn't get enough sleep last night?
Al: Oh! Polish food again?
Tim: No!
Al: Mexican? You know, that makes my mother go back and forth, back --
Tim: Al! Thanks for wrecking my appetite for the rest of my life. This has nothing to do with what I ate last night.
Al: Well, then why couldn't you sleep?
Tim: I had something on my mind.
Al: Is, is there anything wrong with the family? [Tim starts to leave. Al follows him]
Tim: No.
Al: Well, is it... is it me? Have I let you down in any way?
Tim: Al, you've let me down in every way. It's not about you and me, it's nothing. May I?
Al: Then what is it?
Tim: Nothing.
Al: Tim, I, I am a friend, and I sense that there is something wrong; and I'm going to keep reaching out until you reach back.
Tim: Oh God!
Al: Share with me, Tim.
Tim: Promise you won't tell anybody?
Al: I promise!
Tim: I came home last night, and, um... Jill told me that she was having an affair with the milkman.
Al: No! I can not believe that! [Pause] You have a milkman?
Tim: Not anymore. [Tim leaves]
Cut to the backyard.
[Jill is standing by the gazebo. Wilson is sitting on the bench. Jill looks at her watch]
Jill: Maybe I should try the doctor again. When was the last time I called?
Wilson: Well, right before you asked me that question.
Jill: I just don't understand why this stuff keeps happening to Randy. He's always been the one with health problems: He has allergies, asthma, even as a baby he had awful colic.
Wilson: Oh, oh, Randy's colic. I remember when Tim used to walk him back and forth in the yard, trying to get him to sleep. As a matter of fact, that's when Tim and I first met.
[Tim enters the backyard in his underwear, carrying a crying baby Randy]
Tim: [Singing]
Little GTO
You're really lookin' fine
Three deuces and a fourth speed.
Oh, come on Randy. This song used to put Brad right out. Buddy, come on! Huh?
Wilson: Hidy-ho new neighbor!
Tim: Huh? Hidy-what?
Wilson: Just a little expression of mine.
Tim: [Grunting] Ah, yeah, sure... Ha, ha, ho, ho!
Wilson: What in the world was that strange noise?
Tim: That's just an expression of mine.
Wilson: Mm.
Tim: Um... I hope my kid's crying didn't wake you up sir.
Wilson: No! I was already up feeding my pet octopus. So, I've been meaning to come over and introduce myself. I'm Wilson Wilson.
Tim: Um... I'm Tim, Tim Taylor, how are you? And the little one with the supercharged lungs is my youngest son Randy. He's got a little colic.
Wilson: Um, I know. I have been hearing him for the past few nights.
Tim: Sorry about that.
Wilson: Hey! I took the liberty to mix you up a batch of Ginger Root Juice for your son's colic.
Tim: And... I'm supposed to put that in his bottle?
Wilson: No. You just rub a little bit on his belly.
Tim: Alright, alright. You know, at this point I'm willing to try anything. Are you sure this is alright?
Wilson: Hm-hmm.
Tim: Yeah. Easy, easy, easy, easy boy. Why are you looking at me like that? Just a little bit, it won't hurt. [Tim rubs some of the juice on Randy's belly] Oh yeah!
Wilson: Huh?
Tim: It worked! So, that's what you look like when you're not crying, huh?
Wilson: Oh, oh, oh... He is a handsome little fellow.
Tim: Hey! Thanks very much. You know, when I first got married I didn't think I ever wanted kids. Now that I have them, I like them. I like them better than cars.
Wilson: Hmm.
Tim: You got kids?
Wilson: I haven't even got a car.
Tim: Well, um, thanks for the, the belly rub. I'll put him to bed now.
Wilson: Feel free to stop by any time and chat.
Tim: Well thanks, but I'm a pretty private guy; I don't like sharing my problems with other guys, O.K? Good night.
Wilson: Good night. [Tim goes back inside]
End flashback.
Jill: [Jill is sitting next to Wilson] That was the first time since Randy was born we got more than two hours of sleep. That's two more hours than I got last night. I kept thinking about how nothing bad has ever happened to this family. Been so lucky. Do you realize that Tim has survived over 200 accidents?
Wilson: Really? I would have thougt that number was much higher
Jill: Oh God! I feel so helpless, just waiting for the phone to ring. It is so frightening to think how one phone call can change your life forever. You know, it's like my family has been living in a big bubble all these years, protecting us from anything bad that could happen. Just one phone call, one split second, and the bubble could burst.
Cut to the kitchen, a little later.
[Jill is talking on the phone]
Jill: I just wondered if you had Randy's test results back yet?... It might be three or four more hours? I'll hold. Yeah, yeah, I know... I'm sorry. I understand. Bye-bye. [Brad enters through the back door]
Brad: Hi Mom.
Jill: Hi. Where's Randy?
Brad: I don't know. He said he'd meet me after school, but he never showed up. [Brad goes upstairs. Tim enters from the garage]
Jill: Tim, we have a problem.
Tim: Did you talk to the doctor?
Jill: No, no, not yet. Randy didn't come home from school.
Tim: Oh boy!
Jill: So, what do we do?
Tim: Aah, don't worry about it. You call around, I'll drive around. I think I have a good idea of where he might be. O.K.? Don't worry, please?
Jill: O.K. [Tim leaves. The phone rings, and Jill answers it] Hello? Oh, Al... What?! We don't have a milkman! I don't know what you're talking about... Al! Look, I can't talk right now, O.K.? I-I-I'll see you later. Bye. [Jill hangs up]
Cut to the Arcade.
[Tim enters. He spots Randy playing on a game]
Tim: Hey, Randy!
Randy: What are you doing here?
Tim: Looking for you! Your Mom and I were worried about you. You know better than to take off without telling us where you're going.
Randy: Then we're even.
Tim: What do you mean?
Randy: A couple of little things you didn't tell me either, Dad.
Tim: What are you talking about? [Randy stops playing the game]
Randy: That I might have cancer?
Tim: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where did you get that information? [Tim comes over to Randy]
Randy: Off the computer at school. Said that sometimes these kind of lumps could be malignant. [Randy changes a note into coins at the machine]
Tim: Randy, look, the chances of this lump being malignant are next to nothing.
Randy: How could you not tell me about his.
Tim: Cuz we didn't want to you freaking out, O.K.?
Randy: Oh, so instead I read about it on the computer sitting in the school library all by myself?
Tim: Hey, I, I, your Mom and I, that was the last thing we wanted you to do. I'm really sorry about it, and she will be too, O.K.
Randy: [Upset] Why does this bad stuff always happen to me?
Tim: Well, bad stuff happens to everybody... bad stuff happens to me all the time.
Randy: Yeah, but you cause it. [Randy starts to cry. Tim puts his hand on Randy's shoulder, to comfort him]
Tim: I know you're scared, you know. I know how you feel.
Randy: [Upset] No you don't. I don't want to die, Dad.
Tim: Oh, come on. You are not going to die. Even if you had cancer which you don't... you do not have that. It's a treatable kind, O.K.? Huh? [Tim hugs Randy] Hey, come on, come on. We'll beat this thing, no matter what it is you know! I'm not letting anything happen to you.
Cut to Randy's room, a little later.
[Tim & Jill are sitting on the bed, with a Scrabble board. Randy is pacing around]
Randy: Man, it's five-fifteen, when are they gonna call?
Jill: I'm sure that they're gonna call any minute. Oh, honey, c'mom, c'mon, just play, play.
Randy: Alright. Um... Lets see. THRILL. T-H-R-I-L-L [Randy places his letters on the board]
Jill: This is double: so that's one --
Tim: Fourteen.
Jill: Fourteen. Good! O.K., I already got one. LACKS. L-A-C-K-S [Jill puts her pieces on the board]
Tim: LACKS. Two, three, four... Twelve.
Jill: That's fifteen!
Tim: You gave me an opening, honey. Read it and weep: EX-LACKS. [Tim adds the letters]
Jill: Uh! [Jill & Randy look at Tim]
Tim: What?
Randy: Well, Dad, first of all, that's a brand name.
Jill: And you didn't spell it correctly.
Tim: You're telling me that there's no X?
Jill: Uh! [The phone rings. Jill answers it. Randy & Tim look expectant] Hello?... Oh, Al. Look Al, Tim and I are fine. Please don't call here ever again. [Jill puts the phone down] What is wrong with that man? Where did he get this insane idea about me and a milkman?!
Tim: He spends too much time at the State Fare. [The phone rings again. Jill answers it]
Jill: Al...
Tim: Tell him he is fired.
Jill: ...please don't -- Oh, hi Doctor Kaufman... Yeah, huh?... [Tim gets up and stands by Randy] It isn't? Oh God, that's such a relief. There's no cancer, no operation, [Jill gets up and hugs Tim & Randy] yes. Oh O.K., O.K... Yeah we will. We will... Thank you so much. Alright, bye. [Jill hugs Tim & Randy again]
Randy: So, that's it, I'm O.K.
Jill: Yeah. Well, er, yeah, but you do have hypothyroidism, which is why you have been so tired.
Tim: Hypothyroidism... Is, is that the pill or the goiter?
Jill: The pill.
Randy: Well, O.K. It's just a pill every day.
Tim: That's it.
Randy: Let's go eat. I'm, I'm starving.
Tim: O.K., that'd be great.
Jill: O.K. I'll be up in a minute. I'll put the game away, O.K? [Tim & Randy head upstairs]
Tim: Alright. I was kind of hoping for a goiter. Cuz goiter's a funny word, y'know? Cuz then you could be my --
Randy: -- goiter boy.
Tim: My young son the goiter. And then I could buy you a goiter belt.
[Jill thinks back over Randy's life]
Montage of scenes, set to Louis Armstong's "What A Wonderful World."
[Tim carrying baby Randy in the backyard]
[Jill sleeping with baby Randy in a rocking chair]
[Jill trying to feed toddler Randy, in a high chair]
[Tim chasing toddler Randy across the living room]
[Jill chasing a young Randy down the stairs and round the hall. She finally catches him and throws him onto her shoulder]
[Randy wrestling with Tim in the backyard. Tim lies on top of him, waggling his arms and legs - from [2.13] "Bell Bottom Blues"]
[Randy prancing around the living room, in a "Peter Pan" costume - from [2.04] "Groin Pains"]
[Randy jumps down the stairs and announces something. Tim & Jill congratulate him - from [2.04] "Groin Pains"]
[Tim hugs Randy, in his bedroom - from [3.03] "This Joke's for You"]
[Randy dressed up for the Christmas pagaent - from [1.12] "Yule Better Watch Out"]
[Tim & the boys running on the beach - from [5.01] "A Taylor Runs Through It"]
Cut to Randy's bedroom, that night.
[Randy is asleep in his bed. Tim & Jill watch him from the doorway. Tim hugs Jill]
[Outtake from Flashback scene]
[Tim has just rubbed some of Wilson's Ginger Root Juice on Randy's belly]
Tim: Hey. Heyy! It works, look at that.
Wilson: Ohhh, he is a handsome little fella. [Randy doesn't stop crying]
Tim: Thanks for that, it seems to make him worse! I'm... I'm gonna take him back in the house.
Wilson: Feel free to come by any time and chat.
Tim: No, no thanks, I, I'm kind of a private guy, I don't like sharing my problems with other people. [Randy is still crying] That's O.K., I'll wash it off, Randy, we're getting that off. [Tim takes Randy inside]

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