| Episode begins with Tim and All on the "Tool Time"
set |
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| Al: | Welcome to "Gadget Corner". |
| Tim: | We're gonna show you a lotta new products to make you go "Wow" and your wife go "How are we going to pay for this stuff?" |
| Al: | Actually Tim, today's products are something any woman would love to have in her home, and to demonstrate that for us is "Tool Time"'s very own gadget expert June Palmer. |
| [June comes onto the set] |
| Tim: | Always nice to have you here, June. |
| June: | Ah, really. How come I haven't been on the show for four years? |
| Tim: | Budget problems. But we got it worked out. Al's going to take a cut in pay. |
| Al: | My pay couldn't get any lower. So June, what have you got for us today? |
| June: | Well, first off, we have a Suck-a-bug. |
| Tim: | Four years, and the best you can come up with is Suck-a-bug? |
| June: | It's an easy way to get rid of those annoying pests. [Turns and points the Suck-a-bug at Tim] Ah I see you have a bug over here. You just turn it on, and Bye, bye buggie. |
| Tim: | Hey, that's pretty cool actually. Rechargable, one piece styrene. I like that, Al look at that. No more pests [Tim turns the device on Al] And this little device down here, what's that for. [Presses the switch and the bug shoots out at sticks on Al's forehead] |
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| [Opening credits] |
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| The Kitchen/Living Room |
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| [Tim, Randy and Brad emerge from the Den] |
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| Randy: | C'mon Dad. We only want to sit in for a couple of hands. |
| Tim: | No. I don't want you guys exposed to what goes on at a man's poker night. |
| Brad: | In other words, you don't want us to see you lose. |
| Tim: | I don't always lose you know. |
| Brad: | When was the last time you won? |
| Randy: | Four years ago when he had that gadget lady on. |
| Tim: | Funny. Don't you guys have some homework to do? [The doorbell rings] Yeah, and on your way upstairs, let my buddies in will you please. [Brad and Randy leave, opening the door as they go. Harry, Benny and Al come in.] |
| Harry: | Hey girls. Hey, Tim. |
| Tim: | Harry, Benny, Al. How're you doin' |
| Harry: | How'd you, how d'you get Jill to let us play poker here tonight? |
| Tim: | She has her book discussion group. |
| Al: | Book discussion group? Sounds interesting. What are they discussing? |
| Tim: | My guess would be - books! |
| Al: | I just thought maybe you were taking an interest in something that was important to your wife. |
| Tim: | Why? |
| Benny: | Yeah, why? |
| Harry: | Who cares? |
| Al: | It's a wonder you guys have long term relationships with women. |
| Tim: | No, it's a wonder we have a long term relationship with you. [Marty enters] |
| Benny: | Hi Marty. [The doorbell rings] |
| Jill: | [Shouting from upstairs] That must be Chris. I'll get it. |
| Al: | Who's Chris? |
| Tim: | Some woman in Jill's psych. class who's driving her to the book discussion group. |
| Benny: | Hey, I like brainy chicks. Do you think she'd date me? |
| Jill: | Guys, this is Chris. [Chris, a man, follows Jill into the living room] |
| Benny: | On second thought, I don't need a date that bad. |
| Jill: | [Over in the kitchen] And this is my husband, Tim. |
| Chris: | How're ya doin'? |
| Tim: | Hi. |
| Chris: | I heard a lot about you. |
| Tim: | Obviously more than I heard about you. Can I talk to my wife in private for just a second? Excuse us. |
| Jill: | Yeah. |
| Tim: | That guy is a guy! |
| Jill: | You know, now that I look at him, I think you're right. I'll see you later [Jill kissed Tim] |
| Tim: | Honey, you never told me that Chris was a guy. |
| Jill: | Yes I did. We talked about this the other day at the hardware store. |
| Tim: | You were with me at the hardware store? |
| Jill: | Honey, Chris and I are just friends. There's nothing for you to worry about, OK. [Jill kisses Tim again] I'll see you later. |
| Tim: | OK, bye. |
| Jill: | Bye. [To the others] Don't take all his money! [Jill leaves] |
| Tim: | Alright guys, let's play some poker. |
| Al: | OK. First Jack deals. [Starts to deal out cards] |
| Benny: | Tim, I gotta hand it you ya. You're the only guy I know that lets his wife date. |
| Tim: | She's not goin' out on a date, alright. |
| Harry: | I wish my wife'ld date. |
| Marty: | Call me old-fashioned, but I'd never let my wife go out on a date. |
| Tim: | She's not going out on a date, alright! Everybody ante up. |
| Al: | That's right. She's going to a book discussion group with a friend. I'm sure it's purely Platonic. |
| Tim: | Haven't you guys ever heard of a Platonic relationship before? |
| Harry: | Yeah! I've got one with my wife. |
| Al: | I've had many relationships with women who were just friends. |
| Benny: | Yeah, but not by your choice. |
| Al: | Seven stud. High - low. |
| Marty: | Hey Tim, let me get this straight. You're saying it doesn't bother you that Jill just walked out of here with that guy? |
| Tim: | Will you let it go, Marty. She said he's a friend. That's what he is, a friend, OK. |
| Marty: | Yeah, just like she was with that guy helping her with her resumé. |
| Harry: | Oh, yeah. The guy that hit on her right in your own house. |
| Tim: | Well, she wasn't interested in that guy, OK. That was a different story. And besides, he was a lot better looking than monkey-boy here. |
| Al: | I thought Chris was a nice looking man. |
| Tim: | [Tapping Marty on the arm] Well, maybe you wanna date him. [Harry laughs loudly] |
| Al: | First Ace. |
| Harry: | A buck. |
| Marty: | Yeah, I'm in. |
| Tim: | Alright. |
| Marty: | It's something how the most gorgeous women always end up going out with the ugliest guys. |
| Harry: | Yeah, look at you Marty. Your wife's a knockout. |
| Marty: | What are you saying? I'm ugly? Tim, do you think I'm ugly? |
| Tim: | I don't know, Marty. You've got some nice features, but overall, you're a pretty forgetable guy. Can we play cards, please! |
| Benny: | Good idea, Tim. Keep you mind off your marriage problems. |
| Tim: | I don't have marriage problems. |
| Harry: | I beg to differ. Another dollar. You know, if a woman like er, Nancy, could go for a dog like Marty, |
| Marty: | I'm a dog? |
| Harry: | Well, then you know that Jill could go for a guy like Chris. |
| Tim: | You guys are probably right. Having an affair with the guy, and then just to top it off, she brings the guy back here to me me and my friends. |
| Benny: | She's real shrewd. I'll give her that. Buck and a buck better. |
| Marty: | Al, you find me attractive don't ya? |
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| The Living Room |
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| [Later on, Tim and Marty are sat at the poker table] |
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| Marty: | Tim, why do you keep looking at your watch? |
| Tim: | No reason. |
| Marty: | How long ago was Jill due home? |
| Tim: | Sixty four minutes. |
| Marty: | Look, I'm sorry. We were just giving you a hard time tonight. Don't worry about that guy. |
| Tim: | I'm not worried about that guy, Marty. |
| Marty: | OK. I want you to know, whatever happens, I'm here for you. |
| Tim: | Thanks, Marty. |
| Marty: | Well, I gotta go now. |
| Tim: | Why's that Marty? |
| Marty: | Cuz if I'm more that fifteen minutes late, Nancy thinks I'm having an affair. |
| Tim: | G'night Marty. [Marty leaves and Mark comes in from upstairs] Mark, what are you doing up? |
| Mark: | I was looking for Mom. Is she home from her date yet? |
| Tim: | She's not on a date! I'm sorry. Have you got a problem with your homework or something? |
| Mark: | [Laughs] Goodnight, Dad. |
| Tim: | Hold on a minute. Why is it you guys don't think I can ever help with the homework? Tell me what you got? What's the problem? |
| Mark: | I have to define a pronoun. |
| Tim: | Pronoun. That's easy. A pronoun is a noun that gets paid for doin' what an amateur noun would do for free. |
| Mark: | I'll just wait for Mom. |
| Jill: | [Enters by the front door] Hi. Honey, what are you still doing up? |
| Mark: | I need help with my homework. I have to define a pronoun. |
| Jill: | OK, a pronoun is a word that takes the place of a noun like if you were to say "It's between you and me", "it", "you" and "me" would all be pronouns. |
| Tim: | Both definitions are considered acceptable. |
| Mark: | Thanks, Mom. |
| Jill: | Will you please go to bed. Whoa, what a mess. I'll help you clean this up. |
| Tim: | Thanks. Boy, it's a little late. It must have been a really long book, huh. |
| Jill: | No, the book club ended at ten, but Chris and I have just been sitting out front in his car, talking. |
| Tim: | Sitting out front of this house? In his car? Talking? |
| Jill: | Is there something wrong with that? |
| Tim: | You're a married woman. You shouldn't be hanging out with single guys, especially in a romantic spot like a car. |
| Jill: | Tim, we were just sitting outside in the Camaro talking. It's no big deal. |
| Tim: | I don't care. Camaro? What year? |
| Jill: | I don't know. Tim, I told you there is nothing going on between Chris and me. We're just friends. |
| Tim: | Honey. These days men and women cannot be "just friends". |
| Jill: | Really. What about you and Heidi? |
| Tim: | Heidi? She's not my friend. She's a co-worker. To me Heidi's just Al with less facial hair and a better physique. |
| Jill: | Right, I get'em mixed up myself. |
| Tim: | The point is, I wouldn't be sitting, parked in Heidi's Camaro, and if I did, I'd know what year it was. |
| Jill: | Tim, this is a ridiculous conversation. If you had a female friend who shared you interests, I would not get all crazy about it. |
| Tim: | Oh, is that a fact? So if I start hanging out with this beautiful woman that knew all about big-block four by fours, you'd trust me? |
| Jill: | Yeah, I would. |
| Tim: | Now you tell me. |
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| [Commercial break] |
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| The Back Garden |
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| [Tim brings a bag of rubbish out from the house] |
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| Wilson: | Hm. Ah. |
| Tim: | Wilson. What are you doing up? |
| Wilson: | Well, Tim. I couldn't sleep so I thought I'd come out and squeeze my apples. |
| Tim: | It's none of my business, but shouldn't you be doing that in private? |
| Wilson: | No, no, no, no, no, no, Tim. I'm squeezing my apples to see if they're ready to make cider. |
| Tim: | Oh. |
| Wilson: | Firm finger indentations on the surface of the fruit tells me that the apple is ripe. Ah. You can tell just by touching. |
| Tim: | Speaking of touching. Um. Do you think it's possible for a man and a woman to be friends without it turning physical? |
| Wilson: | Oh, I most certainly do. |
| Tim: | Gotta respect your opinion. Even though you are outside squeezing your own apples. |
| Wilson: | You see many women feel that the most important ingredient in a fulfilled relationship is meaningful conversation. In the words of the French novelist Alain Le Sage, the pleasure of talking is the inextinguishable passion of a woman. |
| Tim: | Which is why we call them the opposite sex. We like sex, and they like the opposite. |
| Wilson: | You see Tim, for a woman, intellectual stimulation with a man can be the strongest bond of all. That deep connection allows her to think of him as her soul mate. |
| Tim: | That sounds like pretty heavy stuff. |
| Wilson: | Oh, if you're the one who found your soul mate, Tim, it certainly is. |
| Tim: | You tellin' me a guy can make a woman his soul mate just by talking to her? |
| Wilson: | Well that depends on how good the talking is. |
| Tim: | [Grunting mainly so only the odd word is audible] How do I know...Sitting in the Camaro...Talking'...They could be...Sittin' out there...an hour and a half...Guys have said...One time... |
| Wilson: | Have to be a hell of a lot better than that. |
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| The Car |
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| [Tim is sat in the car. Randy comes up and gets into the car with his hockey stick] |
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| Tim: | Heya little buddy. How was practice? |
| Randy: | Fine. Where have you been? I've been waiting here for twenty minutes. |
| Tim: | Sorry. Buckle up. Had to stop by the bookstore. |
| Randy: | [Laughs] Sorry Dad, I got hit in the head with the puck. I just thought... I just thought you said bookstore. |
| Tim: | I did say bookstore. Your Mom's book discussion group is stoppin' by the house next week and I'm gonna read the book they're readin'. |
| Randy: | Why? |
| Tim: | To prove I'm just as interested in reading as the next guy. |
| Randy: | [Taking an audio cassette out of the bag Tim bought] Is the next guy also reading in Dolby stereo? |
| Tim: | There's no better way to read a classic than in a classic car. Pop that thing in. [Randy puts the cassette in] |
| Tape: | Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert. A brilliant psychological portrait which searingly depicts a woman's mind in search of transendence |
| Tim: | Fast forward it, fast forward it. |
| Tape: | Innocent maidens with tears on their cheeks were kissing turtle doves through the bars of a Gothic gate |
| Tim: | Fast forward it, fast forward, fast forward. |
| Tape: | Little pieces of embroidery. |
| Tim: | Oh man. Turn it over. Maybe there's something better on the other side. |
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| Living Room |
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| [Jill and her book group are stood in the living room] |
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| Jill: | Ok, everyone, your favorite tea - Earl Grey, and since we're reading a French book, voila - French pastries. |
| Chris: | Eclairs? My favorite. |
| Tim: | [Enters from upstairs] Hi everybody. |
| Jill: | This is my husband, Tim. |
| Tim: | Well, I already know Chris [shakes his hand] |
| Chris: | Nice to see you again, Tim. |
| Jill: | And this is Sharon, Jane and Carol |
| Tim: | Nice to meet you. You is a pronoun you know. Ah, tea. Nice cup of tea. I'm a big tea guy myself. |
| Chris: | Do you like Earl Grey? |
| Tim: | Don't know the guy, Chris. |
| Carol: | Jill, you didn't tell us you had such a witty husband. |
| Jill: | I didn't know. [To Tim] So, don't you have a poker game tonight? |
| Tim: | You know, I thought I'd blow it off tonight. |
| Jill: | What? |
| Tim: | In the hopes of joining the book group. |
| Jill: | Er, Tim. To participate in this book group, you have to have read Madame Bovary. |
| Tim: | Ah yes! Flaubert's brilliant psychological profile of a woman in search of transcendence. |
| Sharon: | I think that's a very astute synopsis. |
| Tim: | Well, I've always been a very astute synopsizer. |
| Jill: | [Accidentally overfills Chris's tea cup] Oh, excuse me, I'm sorry. Er, Tim, I just really don't think this is a very good idea. |
| Sharon: | Well, I just think it's wonderful that you have a husband who shares your interests. |
| Jane: | You wouldn't catch my husband at book group. You're lucky, Jill. |
| Tim: | To synopsize what the women are saying. I think they'd like me to be part of this group. |
| Jane: | Oh, it's great idea. |
| Sharon: | Fine. |
| Tim: | OK, good. Now, can I just sit right in here. [Squeezes in between Jill and Chris on the couch forcing Chris to move over] Oh-ho-ho. Still warm. |
| Chris: | Well, let's plunge in. I was hooked by chapter one. |
| Tim: | Could we fast forward through chapter one, and go right to chapter ten? |
| Chris: | Why chapter ten? |
| Tim: | They introduce a character, Lestiboudois. |
| Jill: | Who is Lestiboudois? |
| Tim: | The village handyman! |
| Carol: | What an interesting perspective. I have never heard anyone discuss Madame Bovary from the point of view of the handyman. |
| Jill: | That's because he has absolutely no relevance to the story. |
| Tim: | Au contraire! He was the one that set up all the chairs for the fair. |
| Sharon: | I kind of see what you're saying. If Lestiboudois hadn't set up the chairs then Madame Bovary would not have been able to sit next to Rodolphe. |
| Tim: | My point exactly. |
| Carol: | What's you feeling on Rodolphe, Tim? |
| Tim: | Rodolphetim? I'm not real clear on his character at this point. |
| Jill: | You don't remember the main love interest in the story? |
| Jane: | A sensitive man like Tim was probably more drawn to Léon. |
| Tim: | Yes I was. And forgive me, Léon was the one that, er... |
| Chris: | The man that she connected with on a deeper level. |
| Tim: | Ah. |
| Chris: | Madame Bovary's soul mate. |
| Tim: | Soul mate! |
| Sharon: | Madame Bovary was going to leave her dim witted husband for him. |
| Tim: | [Half grunting] I don't like Léon, I don't like that guy. |
| Carol: | So the only character you like was the handyman? |
| Tim: | No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be, the husband. |
| Chris: | He was the quintessential dullard! |
| Tim: | Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care! She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries. |
| Jill: | Would anybody like more tea? |
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| Living Room - Later on |
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| [The guests are getting ready to leave at the end of the book club meeting] |
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| Tim: | Well, this was a lot of fun. Thanks for coming. What are we gonna read next week? |
| Sharon: | The Fountain Heads. |
| Tim: | Plumbing! I'm in! Oh, Chris. Jill won't be needing a ride next week. I'll take her. |
| Chris: | OK. I'll see you in class tomorrow, Jill? |
| Jill: | Yes, yes, thank you. Goodbye. |
| Tim: | Bye now. |
| [The front door is closed after all the guests have left.] |
| Jill: | Well, that was quite a display you put on here tonight. |
| Tim: | Yeah, really wowed 'em with that intellectual razzamatazz didn't I? |
| Jill: | You were checking up on me. |
| Tim: | No I wasn't. |
| Jill: | What did you think was going to happen? Did you think that Chris and I were just going to make wild, passionate love right here in front of the book club? |
| Tim: | Would've probably been more exciting. |
| Jill: | You didn't have to do this. |
| Tim: | Yes I did. I did this to prove that I could be your soul mate. |
| Jill: | What are you talking about? |
| Tim: | Soul mate! The person that can talk about stuff you are passionate about. |
| Jill: | Well, by that definition, your soul mate would be the guy that rotates your tires. |
| Tim: | Now, now you leave Murray out of this. This is between you and Chris. |
| Jill: | Wait a second. You think that Chris is my soul mate? |
| Tim: | Yes I do. He could talk about stuff I don't know about. He's taking your mind and leaving me with your body! |
| Jill: | Back the soul train up here. You're more interested in my mind than my body? |
| Tim: | Hey. No-one's more surprised than me. |
| Jill: | After all these years why would you think that anybody else could be my soul mate? |
| Tim: | I don't know. I was out talking to Wilson. We were talking about what women really want. And then all I could do was picture myself sitting alone out in the yard squeezing my apples. |
| Jill: | Tim, Chris and I may have some common interests but, it can't compare with what I have with you. |
| Tim: | It can't? |
| Jill: | I share my life with you. I share my love with you. All we have to do is look at one another and we know exactly what the other person is thinking. |
| Tim: | That's true. |
| Jill: | If that's not a soul mate, I don't know what is. |
| Tim: | So, what am I thinking right now? |
| Jill: | That you read Madame Bovary for nothing. |
| Tim: | Painful day. You are my soul mate. [They kiss] |
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| Living Room |
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| [Tim is playing poker with someone we can't see.] |
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| Tim: | Leave it. Four Jacks again. Read 'em and weep. I guess you guys learned a lesson. Don't play with the poker champ. [Tim scoops up all the chips from the table. The camera angle changes to reveal that Randy, Mark and Brad are the other players.] |
| Brad: | You must be real proud of yourself, Dad. Wiping out three kids who've never played poker before. |
| Tim: | Now hustle up and get your piggy banks and bring Daddy his money. |
| Randy: | I'll give you an IOU. |
| Tim: | I'll need some I.D. |
| Randy: | After I've finished my homework. |
| Tim: | You need any help? |
| Randy: | No. Just got a little book to read. [Randy waves a cassette tape to Tim] Tale of Two Cities. |
| Tim: | Don't play a tape. Read the book will you Randy. |
| Randy: | I got the idea from you. |
| Tim: | Well, don't tell your Mom you got the idea from me. |
| Randy: | Don't worry Dad. She's not going to find out. [Randy puts the tape into the player and turns it on] |
| Tape: | A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. |
| Jill's voice from the tape: | It's going to be the worst of times for you if you don't turn this off and go read the book. Oh, and I don't care what your father told you. |
| Tim: | Hey, fast forward past that thing. |
| CREDITS |
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| [Outtake from the car scene with Randy and Tim] |
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| Randy: | Sorry Dad, I got hit in the head with the puck. I just thought. I just thought you said book store. |
| Tim: | I did say book store. Your Mom's book discussion group is [loses it] |
| Randy: | Yeah, right. Alright. |
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| [Beep. Cut to Living Room] |
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| [ Tim and Jill's kissing scene] |
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| Tim: | What am I thinking of right now? |
| Jill: | You're thinking that you read Madame Bovary for nothing. |
| Tim: | Oh. Oh, we are soul mates. [They kiss] |
| Director's voice: | Thank you |
| Tim: | We're not done yet. [Goes to carry on kissing Jill. They laugh] I was just getting going here. Workin' up a little steam. |
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| THE END |
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