Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

Her Cheatin' Mind

Episode No# 103
Written by:
Ruth Bennett
Directed by:
Andy Cadiff
Transcript by:
Corrections should be sent to:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Guest Cast
Harry - Blake Clark
Benny - Jim Labriola
Marty - William O'Leary
June Palmer - Gretchen German
Chris Harper - Joe Urla
Sharon - Stephanie Dunnam
Carol - Ja'net DuBois
Jane - Terri Cavanaugh
Episode begins with Tim and All on the "Tool Time" set
Al: Welcome to "Gadget Corner".
Tim: We're gonna show you a lotta new products to make you go "Wow" and your wife go "How are we going to pay for this stuff?"
Al: Actually Tim, today's products are something any woman would love to have in her home, and to demonstrate that for us is "Tool Time"'s very own gadget expert June Palmer.
[June comes onto the set]
Tim: Always nice to have you here, June.
June: Ah, really. How come I haven't been on the show for four years?
Tim: Budget problems. But we got it worked out. Al's going to take a cut in pay.
Al: My pay couldn't get any lower. So June, what have you got for us today?
June: Well, first off, we have a Suck-a-bug.
Tim: Four years, and the best you can come up with is Suck-a-bug?
June: It's an easy way to get rid of those annoying pests. [Turns and points the Suck-a-bug at Tim] Ah I see you have a bug over here. You just turn it on, and Bye, bye buggie.
Tim: Hey, that's pretty cool actually. Rechargable, one piece styrene. I like that, Al look at that. No more pests [Tim turns the device on Al] And this little device down here, what's that for. [Presses the switch and the bug shoots out at sticks on Al's forehead]
[Opening credits]
The Kitchen/Living Room
[Tim, Randy and Brad emerge from the Den]
Randy: C'mon Dad. We only want to sit in for a couple of hands.
Tim: No. I don't want you guys exposed to what goes on at a man's poker night.
Brad: In other words, you don't want us to see you lose.
Tim: I don't always lose you know.
Brad: When was the last time you won?
Randy: Four years ago when he had that gadget lady on.
Tim: Funny. Don't you guys have some homework to do? [The doorbell rings] Yeah, and on your way upstairs, let my buddies in will you please. [Brad and Randy leave, opening the door as they go. Harry, Benny and Al come in.]
Harry: Hey girls. Hey, Tim.
Tim: Harry, Benny, Al. How're you doin'
Harry: How'd you, how d'you get Jill to let us play poker here tonight?
Tim: She has her book discussion group.
Al: Book discussion group? Sounds interesting. What are they discussing?
Tim: My guess would be - books!
Al: I just thought maybe you were taking an interest in something that was important to your wife.
Tim: Why?
Benny: Yeah, why?
Harry: Who cares?
Al: It's a wonder you guys have long term relationships with women.
Tim: No, it's a wonder we have a long term relationship with you. [Marty enters]
Benny: Hi Marty. [The doorbell rings]
Jill: [Shouting from upstairs] That must be Chris. I'll get it.
Al: Who's Chris?
Tim: Some woman in Jill's psych. class who's driving her to the book discussion group.
Benny: Hey, I like brainy chicks. Do you think she'd date me?
Jill: Guys, this is Chris. [Chris, a man, follows Jill into the living room]
Benny: On second thought, I don't need a date that bad.
Jill: [Over in the kitchen] And this is my husband, Tim.
Chris: How're ya doin'?
Tim: Hi.
Chris: I heard a lot about you.
Tim: Obviously more than I heard about you. Can I talk to my wife in private for just a second? Excuse us.
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: That guy is a guy!
Jill: You know, now that I look at him, I think you're right. I'll see you later [Jill kissed Tim]
Tim: Honey, you never told me that Chris was a guy.
Jill: Yes I did. We talked about this the other day at the hardware store.
Tim: You were with me at the hardware store?
Jill: Honey, Chris and I are just friends. There's nothing for you to worry about, OK. [Jill kisses Tim again] I'll see you later.
Tim: OK, bye.
Jill: Bye. [To the others] Don't take all his money! [Jill leaves]
Tim: Alright guys, let's play some poker.
Al: OK. First Jack deals. [Starts to deal out cards]
Benny: Tim, I gotta hand it you ya. You're the only guy I know that lets his wife date.
Tim: She's not goin' out on a date, alright.
Harry: I wish my wife'ld date.
Marty: Call me old-fashioned, but I'd never let my wife go out on a date.
Tim: She's not going out on a date, alright! Everybody ante up.
Al: That's right. She's going to a book discussion group with a friend. I'm sure it's purely Platonic.
Tim: Haven't you guys ever heard of a Platonic relationship before?
Harry: Yeah! I've got one with my wife.
Al: I've had many relationships with women who were just friends.
Benny: Yeah, but not by your choice.
Al: Seven stud. High - low.
Marty: Hey Tim, let me get this straight. You're saying it doesn't bother you that Jill just walked out of here with that guy?
Tim: Will you let it go, Marty. She said he's a friend. That's what he is, a friend, OK.
Marty: Yeah, just like she was with that guy helping her with her resumé.
Harry: Oh, yeah. The guy that hit on her right in your own house.
Tim: Well, she wasn't interested in that guy, OK. That was a different story. And besides, he was a lot better looking than monkey-boy here.
Al: I thought Chris was a nice looking man.
Tim: [Tapping Marty on the arm] Well, maybe you wanna date him. [Harry laughs loudly]
Al: First Ace.
Harry: A buck.
Marty: Yeah, I'm in.
Tim: Alright.
Marty: It's something how the most gorgeous women always end up going out with the ugliest guys.
Harry: Yeah, look at you Marty. Your wife's a knockout.
Marty: What are you saying? I'm ugly? Tim, do you think I'm ugly?
Tim: I don't know, Marty. You've got some nice features, but overall, you're a pretty forgetable guy. Can we play cards, please!
Benny: Good idea, Tim. Keep you mind off your marriage problems.
Tim: I don't have marriage problems.
Harry: I beg to differ. Another dollar. You know, if a woman like er, Nancy, could go for a dog like Marty,
Marty: I'm a dog?
Harry: Well, then you know that Jill could go for a guy like Chris.
Tim: You guys are probably right. Having an affair with the guy, and then just to top it off, she brings the guy back here to me me and my friends.
Benny: She's real shrewd. I'll give her that. Buck and a buck better.
Marty: Al, you find me attractive don't ya?
The Living Room
[Later on, Tim and Marty are sat at the poker table]
Marty: Tim, why do you keep looking at your watch?
Tim: No reason.
Marty: How long ago was Jill due home?
Tim: Sixty four minutes.
Marty: Look, I'm sorry. We were just giving you a hard time tonight. Don't worry about that guy.
Tim: I'm not worried about that guy, Marty.
Marty: OK. I want you to know, whatever happens, I'm here for you.
Tim: Thanks, Marty.
Marty: Well, I gotta go now.
Tim: Why's that Marty?
Marty: Cuz if I'm more that fifteen minutes late, Nancy thinks I'm having an affair.
Tim: G'night Marty. [Marty leaves and Mark comes in from upstairs] Mark, what are you doing up?
Mark: I was looking for Mom. Is she home from her date yet?
Tim: She's not on a date! I'm sorry. Have you got a problem with your homework or something?
Mark: [Laughs] Goodnight, Dad.
Tim: Hold on a minute. Why is it you guys don't think I can ever help with the homework? Tell me what you got? What's the problem?
Mark: I have to define a pronoun.
Tim: Pronoun. That's easy. A pronoun is a noun that gets paid for doin' what an amateur noun would do for free.
Mark: I'll just wait for Mom.
Jill: [Enters by the front door] Hi. Honey, what are you still doing up?
Mark: I need help with my homework. I have to define a pronoun.
Jill: OK, a pronoun is a word that takes the place of a noun like if you were to say "It's between you and me", "it", "you" and "me" would all be pronouns.
Tim: Both definitions are considered acceptable.
Mark: Thanks, Mom.
Jill: Will you please go to bed. Whoa, what a mess. I'll help you clean this up.
Tim: Thanks. Boy, it's a little late. It must have been a really long book, huh.
Jill: No, the book club ended at ten, but Chris and I have just been sitting out front in his car, talking.
Tim: Sitting out front of this house? In his car? Talking?
Jill: Is there something wrong with that?
Tim: You're a married woman. You shouldn't be hanging out with single guys, especially in a romantic spot like a car.
Jill: Tim, we were just sitting outside in the Camaro talking. It's no big deal.
Tim: I don't care. Camaro? What year?
Jill: I don't know. Tim, I told you there is nothing going on between Chris and me. We're just friends.
Tim: Honey. These days men and women cannot be "just friends".
Jill: Really. What about you and Heidi?
Tim: Heidi? She's not my friend. She's a co-worker. To me Heidi's just Al with less facial hair and a better physique.
Jill: Right, I get'em mixed up myself.
Tim: The point is, I wouldn't be sitting, parked in Heidi's Camaro, and if I did, I'd know what year it was.
Jill: Tim, this is a ridiculous conversation. If you had a female friend who shared you interests, I would not get all crazy about it.
Tim: Oh, is that a fact? So if I start hanging out with this beautiful woman that knew all about big-block four by fours, you'd trust me?
Jill: Yeah, I would.
Tim: Now you tell me.
[Commercial break]
The Back Garden
[Tim brings a bag of rubbish out from the house]
Wilson: Hm. Ah.
Tim: Wilson. What are you doing up?
Wilson: Well, Tim. I couldn't sleep so I thought I'd come out and squeeze my apples.
Tim: It's none of my business, but shouldn't you be doing that in private?
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no, no, Tim. I'm squeezing my apples to see if they're ready to make cider.
Tim: Oh.
Wilson: Firm finger indentations on the surface of the fruit tells me that the apple is ripe. Ah. You can tell just by touching.
Tim: Speaking of touching. Um. Do you think it's possible for a man and a woman to be friends without it turning physical?
Wilson: Oh, I most certainly do.
Tim: Gotta respect your opinion. Even though you are outside squeezing your own apples.
Wilson: You see many women feel that the most important ingredient in a fulfilled relationship is meaningful conversation. In the words of the French novelist Alain Le Sage, the pleasure of talking is the inextinguishable passion of a woman.
Tim: Which is why we call them the opposite sex. We like sex, and they like the opposite.
Wilson: You see Tim, for a woman, intellectual stimulation with a man can be the strongest bond of all. That deep connection allows her to think of him as her soul mate.
Tim: That sounds like pretty heavy stuff.
Wilson: Oh, if you're the one who found your soul mate, Tim, it certainly is.
Tim: You tellin' me a guy can make a woman his soul mate just by talking to her?
Wilson: Well that depends on how good the talking is.
Tim: [Grunting mainly so only the odd word is audible] How do I know...Sitting in the Camaro...Talking'...They could be...Sittin' out hour and a half...Guys have said...One time...
Wilson: Have to be a hell of a lot better than that.
The Car
[Tim is sat in the car. Randy comes up and gets into the car with his hockey stick]
Tim: Heya little buddy. How was practice?
Randy: Fine. Where have you been? I've been waiting here for twenty minutes.
Tim: Sorry. Buckle up. Had to stop by the bookstore.
Randy: [Laughs] Sorry Dad, I got hit in the head with the puck. I just thought... I just thought you said bookstore.
Tim: I did say bookstore. Your Mom's book discussion group is stoppin' by the house next week and I'm gonna read the book they're readin'.
Randy: Why?
Tim: To prove I'm just as interested in reading as the next guy.
Randy: [Taking an audio cassette out of the bag Tim bought] Is the next guy also reading in Dolby stereo?
Tim: There's no better way to read a classic than in a classic car. Pop that thing in. [Randy puts the cassette in]
Tape: Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert. A brilliant psychological portrait which searingly depicts a woman's mind in search of transendence
Tim: Fast forward it, fast forward it.
Tape: Innocent maidens with tears on their cheeks were kissing turtle doves through the bars of a Gothic gate
Tim: Fast forward it, fast forward, fast forward.
Tape: Little pieces of embroidery.
Tim: Oh man. Turn it over. Maybe there's something better on the other side.
Living Room
[Jill and her book group are stood in the living room]
Jill: Ok, everyone, your favorite tea - Earl Grey, and since we're reading a French book, voila - French pastries.
Chris: Eclairs? My favorite.
Tim: [Enters from upstairs] Hi everybody.
Jill: This is my husband, Tim.
Tim: Well, I already know Chris [shakes his hand]
Chris: Nice to see you again, Tim.
Jill: And this is Sharon, Jane and Carol
Tim: Nice to meet you. You is a pronoun you know. Ah, tea. Nice cup of tea. I'm a big tea guy myself.
Chris: Do you like Earl Grey?
Tim: Don't know the guy, Chris.
Carol: Jill, you didn't tell us you had such a witty husband.
Jill: I didn't know. [To Tim] So, don't you have a poker game tonight?
Tim: You know, I thought I'd blow it off tonight.
Jill: What?
Tim: In the hopes of joining the book group.
Jill: Er, Tim. To participate in this book group, you have to have read Madame Bovary.
Tim: Ah yes! Flaubert's brilliant psychological profile of a woman in search of transcendence.
Sharon: I think that's a very astute synopsis.
Tim: Well, I've always been a very astute synopsizer.
Jill: [Accidentally overfills Chris's tea cup] Oh, excuse me, I'm sorry. Er, Tim, I just really don't think this is a very good idea.
Sharon: Well, I just think it's wonderful that you have a husband who shares your interests.
Jane: You wouldn't catch my husband at book group. You're lucky, Jill.
Tim: To synopsize what the women are saying. I think they'd like me to be part of this group.
Jane: Oh, it's great idea.
Sharon: Fine.
Tim: OK, good. Now, can I just sit right in here. [Squeezes in between Jill and Chris on the couch forcing Chris to move over] Oh-ho-ho. Still warm.
Chris: Well, let's plunge in. I was hooked by chapter one.
Tim: Could we fast forward through chapter one, and go right to chapter ten?
Chris: Why chapter ten?
Tim: They introduce a character, Lestiboudois.
Jill: Who is Lestiboudois?
Tim: The village handyman!
Carol: What an interesting perspective. I have never heard anyone discuss Madame Bovary from the point of view of the handyman.
Jill: That's because he has absolutely no relevance to the story.
Tim: Au contraire! He was the one that set up all the chairs for the fair.
Sharon: I kind of see what you're saying. If Lestiboudois hadn't set up the chairs then Madame Bovary would not have been able to sit next to Rodolphe.
Tim: My point exactly.
Carol: What's you feeling on Rodolphe, Tim?
Tim: Rodolphetim? I'm not real clear on his character at this point.
Jill: You don't remember the main love interest in the story?
Jane: A sensitive man like Tim was probably more drawn to Léon.
Tim: Yes I was. And forgive me, Léon was the one that, er...
Chris: The man that she connected with on a deeper level.
Tim: Ah.
Chris: Madame Bovary's soul mate.
Tim: Soul mate!
Sharon: Madame Bovary was going to leave her dim witted husband for him.
Tim: [Half grunting] I don't like Léon, I don't like that guy.
Carol: So the only character you like was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be, the husband.
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard!
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care! She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.
Jill: Would anybody like more tea?
Living Room - Later on
[The guests are getting ready to leave at the end of the book club meeting]
Tim: Well, this was a lot of fun. Thanks for coming. What are we gonna read next week?
Sharon: The Fountain Heads.
Tim: Plumbing! I'm in! Oh, Chris. Jill won't be needing a ride next week. I'll take her.
Chris: OK. I'll see you in class tomorrow, Jill?
Jill: Yes, yes, thank you. Goodbye.
Tim: Bye now.
[The front door is closed after all the guests have left.]
Jill: Well, that was quite a display you put on here tonight.
Tim: Yeah, really wowed 'em with that intellectual razzamatazz didn't I?
Jill: You were checking up on me.
Tim: No I wasn't.
Jill: What did you think was going to happen? Did you think that Chris and I were just going to make wild, passionate love right here in front of the book club?
Tim: Would've probably been more exciting.
Jill: You didn't have to do this.
Tim: Yes I did. I did this to prove that I could be your soul mate.
Jill: What are you talking about?
Tim: Soul mate! The person that can talk about stuff you are passionate about.
Jill: Well, by that definition, your soul mate would be the guy that rotates your tires.
Tim: Now, now you leave Murray out of this. This is between you and Chris.
Jill: Wait a second. You think that Chris is my soul mate?
Tim: Yes I do. He could talk about stuff I don't know about. He's taking your mind and leaving me with your body!
Jill: Back the soul train up here. You're more interested in my mind than my body?
Tim: Hey. No-one's more surprised than me.
Jill: After all these years why would you think that anybody else could be my soul mate?
Tim: I don't know. I was out talking to Wilson. We were talking about what women really want. And then all I could do was picture myself sitting alone out in the yard squeezing my apples.
Jill: Tim, Chris and I may have some common interests but, it can't compare with what I have with you.
Tim: It can't?
Jill: I share my life with you. I share my love with you. All we have to do is look at one another and we know exactly what the other person is thinking.
Tim: That's true.
Jill: If that's not a soul mate, I don't know what is.
Tim: So, what am I thinking right now?
Jill: That you read Madame Bovary for nothing.
Tim: Painful day. You are my soul mate. [They kiss]
Living Room
[Tim is playing poker with someone we can't see.]
Tim: Leave it. Four Jacks again. Read 'em and weep. I guess you guys learned a lesson. Don't play with the poker champ. [Tim scoops up all the chips from the table. The camera angle changes to reveal that Randy, Mark and Brad are the other players.]
Brad: You must be real proud of yourself, Dad. Wiping out three kids who've never played poker before.
Tim: Now hustle up and get your piggy banks and bring Daddy his money.
Randy: I'll give you an IOU.
Tim: I'll need some I.D.
Randy: After I've finished my homework.
Tim: You need any help?
Randy: No. Just got a little book to read. [Randy waves a cassette tape to Tim] Tale of Two Cities.
Tim: Don't play a tape. Read the book will you Randy.
Randy: I got the idea from you.
Tim: Well, don't tell your Mom you got the idea from me.
Randy: Don't worry Dad. She's not going to find out. [Randy puts the tape into the player and turns it on]
Tape: A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
Jill's voice from the tape: It's going to be the worst of times for you if you don't turn this off and go read the book. Oh, and I don't care what your father told you.
Tim: Hey, fast forward past that thing.
[Outtake from the car scene with Randy and Tim]
Randy: Sorry Dad, I got hit in the head with the puck. I just thought. I just thought you said book store.
Tim: I did say book store. Your Mom's book discussion group is [loses it]
Randy: Yeah, right. Alright.
[Beep. Cut to Living Room]
[ Tim and Jill's kissing scene]
Tim: What am I thinking of right now?
Jill: You're thinking that you read Madame Bovary for nothing.
Tim: Oh. Oh, we are soul mates. [They kiss]
Director's voice: Thank you
Tim: We're not done yet. [Goes to carry on kissing Jill. They laugh] I was just getting going here. Workin' up a little steam.

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