Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

Jill's Surprise Party

Episode No# 104
Written by:
Elliot Shoenman, Marley Sims
Directed by:
Andy Cadiff
Transcript by:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Guest Cast
Heidi - Debbe Dunning
Bud Harper - Charlie Robinson
Nancy Taylor - Jensen Daggett
Ilene Markham - Sherry Hursey
Benny Baroni - Jim Labriola
Marty Taylor - William O'Leary
Marie Morton - Mariangela Pino
Carrie Patterson - Tudi Roche
Henry - Tracy Letts
Julie Zuwicky - ??
Episode begins at the "Tool Time" studio, backstage. Tim is reading through the script for the show. Bud enters.
Tim: Hello Bud.
Bud: Hey Tim. Good to see you.
Tim: Good to see you Bud.
Bud: Tim, y'know, er, er, I've been looking over the scripts and they are terrific.
Tim: Great. It's always nice to have a boss who appreciates my ideas.
Bud: Oh, I love what you're doing. Of course, if the ratings in the new markets aren't good, then I hate what you're doing.
Tim: They're gonna be great. The new markets are gonna love us.
Bud: Wh- I, y'know, I'm sure they're gonna love you but I still have my doubts about Al.
Tim: No.
Bud: Yeah, yeah. Which is why I made a little change.
Tim: Change?
Bud: Yeah. [Al enters, wearing a pink shirt and gray waistcoat]
Al: This is not me!
Bud: Yeah, but that's what I'm going for. See, I'm trying to get that twenty-something audience, that generation-X crowd.
Tim: Well, this'll make them shut off their TV's.
Bud: [Examining Al's hair] I wonder how Al would look in a buzz-cut.
Tim: Well his mom doesn't look too good in one.
Cut to the "Tool Time" set.
[Heidi is introducing the show]
Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: "Tool Time!"
Heidi: That's right. Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Toolman" Taylor. Whoo-hoo! [Heidi applauds. The "Tool Time" music plays. Tim & Al enter. Heidi leaves. Bud watches, approvingly, from the side of the set]
Tim: Thank you. [Tim puts on his tool belt] Thank you Heidi and thank you everyone. Welcome to "Tool Time." I am Tim "The Toolman" Taylor, and you all know my assistant [Al salutes] Al "Generation-X-tra Large" Borland. You might have noticed Al's not sporting his traditional plaid or flannel today because he's got a new look. I think he, I think he looks peachy.
Al: I don't feel peachy.
Tim: Alright, today we're talking about do-it-yourself jobs that are-aren't actually do-it-yourself. Now replacing a pane of glass is one thing, but a piece of plate-glass, you're gonna need help. So today [Al rolls up his shirt sleeves. Tim walks over to a window frame] I'll be hiking the glass in place, Al'll be using a point-driver to secure it. [Tim lifts the glass into the frame] Alright Al, point-driver.
Al: Er, I don't have my point-driver.
Tim: Well thanks for pointing that out. Where is it?
Al: I, I left it backstage. [To Tim] I, I, I feel a little flummoxed without my flannel. [Al runs backstage]
Tim: You'll have to forgive Al. He's going through a little, a little flannel withdrawal. Next week we're checking him into the Betty Flannel clinic, so. While Al's back there getting his point-driver, I could welcome two new markets for us, er. Bottoms up Milwaukee and how's it hanging Columbus. Er, gosh, Al hurry up, I'm beginning to feel like Garfield here! [Tim presses his face against the glass, still holding the suction-grips. Al runs back on]
Al: I got it, O.K., I'm here. It's just, you don't know what it's like being trapped in the wrong fabric.
Tim: Alright, secure the points there with the point-driver.
Al: No problem. [Al starts securing the points]
Tim: Alright. We'll glaze the window after-- [Al looks at the point-driver]
Al: I left the points backstage. [Al runs backstage]
Tim: I got some here. [Tim goes over to the workbench. The plate-glass falls to the floor and smashes. Tim & Al go over to the broken glass. Tim waves at Bud]
[Opening credits]
Cut to the living room.
[The boys are eating breakfast. Tim is making himself a coffee. Jill comes downstairs]
Jill: O.K., I have to go to the library for a few hours. What are you guys gonna do today?
Mark: Nothing.
Randy: Nothing.
Brad: Nothing.
Tim: I'm supervising.
Jill: Well, don't overwork yourself. [Jill packs some books into her bag] Bye.
Tim: Have a good day.
Brad: Bye. [Jill leaves through the front door]
Tim: Alright guys, hurry up. [The boys take their breakfast dishes to the kitchen] Help me clean this house up. We're gonna give your mom the best surprise party ever.
Randy: You think she suspects anything?
Tim: Nah. Giving the party two weeks early, great idea. I'm glad I thought of it.
Randy: I thought of it.
Tim: Yeah, well who thought of having all the guests wait over at Wilson's?
Mark: Dad, I came up with that. [Mark is cleaning the windows]
Tim: Yeah, but whose idea was it to have everybody bring their favorite dish?
Brad: Mine. [Brad is sweeping the floor]
Randy: Why are you throwing Mom a 39th birthday party anyway? I thought 40's when you throw the big one. [Randy is dusting]
Tim: Whew, Randy, Randy, Randy, Randy, you've got a lot to learn about women. A woman's 40th birthday party is something she does not want to celebrate.
Randy: Why not?
Tim: Well, cuz at forty a woman feels like she's, y'know, getting old and that, that puts her in a very bad mood for a very long time.
Brad: How long?
Tim: Generally the rest of her life. You see, at that age women don't like their looks anymore, y'know, they, they see their cheeks sagging, their neck hanging and before long it's inevitable their entire face will cave right in.
Mark: Even a party can't cheer her up?
Tim: I'm sorry to say Mark, there's not a party big enough to make a woman happy that has no face. Which is why tonight's party's gonna be great. And finding Aunt Carrie, some of Mom's best friends are gonna be here, even invited that lady she likes at the magazine, Julie Zuwicky. [Jill enters through the front door. Brad hides with the broom]
Jill: Did you say Julie Zuwicky?
Tim: No, I said, "Goodness gracious, these counters are sticky." [Tim runs his hand along the kitchen counter] Why are you back?
Jill: Oh, I forgot my psych. book. [Jill gets the book] Uhwh, just the mention of Julie Zuwicky makes my skin crawl.
Tim: Uh? I thought you liked her.
Jill: Well, not since I found out that she was bad-mouthing me the whole time I worked at the magazine. If I ever see that back-stabbing witch again, I'm gonna squeeze her neck till her eyes pop out. See you guys later.
Tim: Have a nice day. [Jill leaves again]
Randy: Good party game. 'Stead of charades, we can play "pop the eyes out of Julie Zuwicky."
Cut to the backyard, later that day.
[Jill is reading in the yard. There is a large bunch of balloons behind Wilson's fence]
Jill: Hey Wilson.
Tim: [Tim is carrying the balloons] Jill? [Tim loses one of the bunchs of balloons]
Jill: Tim? What are you doing over there?
Tim: [Tim pulls the remaining balloons down to the ground and comes over to the fence] Ah, Wilson called me at work and said he's going out of town so why don't I check to see if his doors are locked. I thought you were at the library.
Jill: I was. I got home a couple of hours ago.
Tim: Er.
Jill: I've been looking through these old photo albums my mom gave me for my birthday.
Tim: Uh-huh. [Wilson enters his yard. Tim whispers to Wilson] Hit the deck! [Wilson drops to the ground] Jill's over there. Hold these. [Tim hands Wilson the balloons]
Jill: Look. [Jill shows Tim the photo album]
Tim: Ah-ha-ha.
Jill: That's me at age eight playing our old family piano. [Tim looks up the telegraph pole at the missing balloons]
Tim: Well you look mighty cute playing that old piece of junk.
Jill: It wasn't a piece of junk. That was an antique.
Tim: [Tim looks up the telegraph pole again] Ah-ha.
Jill: Look how happy I am sitting there practising Chop Sticks.
Tim: You must have been good to be able to eat Chinese food and play the piano at the same time.
Jill: Gosh I loved that piano.
Tim: Hm-hmm. [Tim starts climbing the telegraph pole]
Jill: And Dad got transferred to a base in Europe and gave it away. I was so upset I cried all the way to Italy.
Wilson: Hmm-hm-hm-hm-hmm. [Jill turns to look for the source of the noise. Tim comes down the telegraph pole]
Tim: Hmm-hm-hm-hm-hm. Kind of reminds me of, uh, my first scroll saw.
Jill: Your parents gave it away?
Tim: No, no. I left it at the playground. I put a small motor in the teeter-totter. Shot this kid halfway across the parking lot. When I got back to the playground, it was gone. I always wanted to track that thing down.
Jill: Have you ever noticed that whenever I tell you a story about me, we wind up talking about you?
Tim: Hm, never noticed. [Jill goes into the house] Good going Wilson. Maybe next time you'll keep your hmm-hm-hmm's to yourself. [Wilson stands up]
Wilson: Well I am sorry neighbor.
Tim: O.K. Your keys.
Wilson: Hm. [Wilson bends down to pick up his keys and lets go of the balloons. They float off]
Cut to Wilson's living room, later that day.
[All the guests have arrived. Tim carries a plate of food over to Al]
Tim: Al, no eating till we get to the party, O.K?
Al: I'm sorry Tim, but, y'know, when they took my flannel away at work, I was so upset I couldn't eat my lunch.
Tim: It's not like you couldn't miss a meal now and then. Alright, main dishes, who brought main dishes?
Wilson: Well I've got a wok full of my delicious Kung Pow crickets.
Tim: Uh, we need, somebody else, anybody else bring a main dish?
Marty: It's O.K., it's O.K. We brought a big bowl of lobster salad.
Tim: Oh, that's just perfect Marty, great. Lobster makes Jill break out in hives.
Nancy: Marty, why didn't you know that?
Marty: Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I'll just start keeping a list of all my relatives allergies.
Tim: Alright everybody, I need help putting, getting the lobster out of here. Just pick in here and get the lobster out, Quick, quick, quick, quick. [Everybody starts picking out the lobster. Tim goes over to Carrie] Carrie, what d'you bring?
Carrie: Nothing.
Tim: You come to your sister's birthday party and you don't bring anything?
Carrie: Tim, I came straight from the airport.
Tim: Ahhh.
Carrie: All I have are my peanuts from the plane.
Tim: I'll take them. [Tim takes the peanuts]
Al: Ooh, honey roasted.
Tim: Back off Al. Marty, put these in the salad. It'll be like a peanut pasta thing.
Marty: You got it. [Marty adds the peanuts to the salad. Benny enters]
Benny: Hey-hey, everybody.
Tim: Benny, what are you doing here?
Benny: I heard you were having a party for Jill. How come I wasn't invited.
Tim: Well, uh, I didn't want you to feel obligated to bring her a present.
Benny: You know me; I never feel obligated. [Ilene enters with a bunch of balloons]
Ilene: Hey, I got the balloons. I had to go all over town but I got 'em.
Tim: Well go all over town and take them back. These say 40th birthday. It's her 39th birthday.
Ilene: Her 39th? I thought this was her 40th birthday.
Heidi: Me too. Why, why wouldn't you be having the party next year?
Mark: Because that's when a woman falls apart and her face caves in.
Nancy: Who told you that?
Tim: Huh.
Mark: Dad. He knows everything about women.
Carrie: Is that so.
Tim: Y'know, the odd thing is this, this boy has two fathers.
Carrie: Ah-ha.
Tim: And it, it was the other father that would have said something, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, oh boy.
Nancy: Why don't you tell us everything you know about women, Tim.
Ilene: Yeah, we have a second.
Tim: Well, phew, [Heidi looks at her watch] boy, is it hot? Are you hot at all here? Benny, could you help me out at all with this conversation?
Benny: I can't. I thought women fell apart when they hit thirty.
Ilene: Ohh. How could you say that? [The women descend on Benny]
Cut to the living room.
[Brad is playing on a Game Boy. Randy is in the kitchen. Mark & Tim enter from the backyard]
Mark: Hi Randy.
Tim: Where's Mom?
Brad: She's upstairs.
Tim: Perfect. Everybody's over at Wilson's, waiting. [The telephone rings] Get that. [Randy answers the phone]
Randy: Hello... Yeah, hold on a second. [Randy covers the phone mouthpiece] Hey Dad, it's that woman Mom hates, Julie Zuwicky. She needs directions to the party. [Tim takes the phone]
Tim: Oh, hi, hi Julie, it's, it's Tim Taylor, hi. Where are you now... 'Kay, quick. Get on 94, go west, when you get to 10, huh, I know, pretty, sounds pretty goofy doesn't it? Just listen. When you get to 10, go.. [Tim thinks of a number] twelve exits, you get off that exit and then just look for our house. You can't miss it. O.K., look forward to seeing you, O.K. Bye. [Tim hangs up the phone]
Brad: Won't that take her to Canada?
Tim: Yes it will! Now, it's gonna be a perfect surprise party. I'm gonna go to the art show with your mom and act like I got a stomach ache. We'll be back in a half hour. This is gonna be perfect. Honey, [Jill comes downstairs] ready to go to the art show?
Jill: Oh, er, I'm not going to the art show. I'm going to Toledo.
Tim: What?
Jill: Yeah, um, I've found my old piano.
Tim: What are you talking about?
Jill: I got the idea when you told me that great story about your first scroll saw.
Tim: You hated that story.
Jill: Yes, I did hate it when I first heard it. But then I was inspired by it.
Tim: Go with the hate, go with the hate.
Jill: No, you see, you see, when I was growing up, we were always moving around. My parents used to just, y'know, throw away all of our stuff. So I have nothing left of my past.
Tim: Oh, oh, sure you do. You have all those beautiful photo albums --
Jill: -- that's not good enough. My cousin Henry has the piano. He says that he'll give it to me.
Tim: But I, I --
Jill: -- I've arranged for movers to meet me there. I'll be back in about three or four hours. [Jill kisses Tim]
Tim: Three or four hours! You can't --
Jill: -- I'm so excited. I'll see you later. [Jill goes into the garage and leaves]
Tim: -- there's no. Three or four hours!
[Commercial break]
Cut to the living room, later that evening.
[All the guests have moved across from Wilson's. Ilene is checking someone's teeth. Tim goes over to Al]
Tim: Did you eat a meatball?
Al: No.
Tim: I said nobody eats until she gets back, alright? [Benny is about to open a bottle] Benny, Benny, Benny, Benny, Benny, we're gonna save this for the toast, is that alright, O.K?
Marty: We can't drink anything, we can't eat anything, there's no guest of honour. You throw a heck of a party.
Tim: It's not my fault Marty. This whole thing was the, the kids idea. [The boys turn around and look at Tim]
Brad: Hey, we're not the ones who inspired her with that dumb story about the scroll saw.
Carrie: This is a disaster.
Tim: Now what?
Carrie: Oh, I just called my service and found out I have to fly to Norway immediately.
Tim: You're flying to Norway now?
Carrie: Yeah, I have to photograph a statue of King Olaf in the morning.
Tim: You can't leave Jill's party in the middle of it.
Nancy: Middle of the party? When was the beginning?
Tim: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Look, can't you be late a couple of days? It's not like the statue's gonna run away.
Carrie: Tim, it's a big job. I can't blow off Olaf. Y'know, this is unbelievable. I came all this way and now my sister won't even know I was here.
Tim: Yeah. Wait a minute. Yes she will. Heidi, my camera please.
Heidi: Oh, here you go Tim. [Heidi hands Tim the camera]
Tim: Thank you Heidi.
Heidi: You're welcome.
Tim: Alright, say cheese. [Tim points the camera at Carrie]
Al: We can eat the cheese?
Tim: No! [Tim takes the photo of Carrie]
Carrie: O.K. I'm off. [Marie enters with a cake. Carrie leaves]
Tim: Marie, how're you holding up?
Marie: Oh, I'm doing great Tim. Considering my miserable bum of a husband left me for a twenty-five-year old meat-packer who worked at his plant. Oh God, Tim. [Marie cries into Tim's shoulder]
Tim: Ohhh, oh, uh, Wilson, could you help me out just for a little bit?
Wilson: Why certainly neighbor. Hello Marie.
Marie: Hi Wilson. [Tim transfers Marie to Wilson's shoulder]
Wilson: Y'know, I'm reminded of the poet Robert Burns who said, "Have we ne'er loved so kindly, have we ne'er loved so blindly." [Wilson takes Marie into the backyard]
Ilene: Y'know Tim, maybe you ought to just cancel the party and have it on Jill's real birthday.
Tim: She will be back!
Ilene: I was just trying to help.
Tim: Well I'm just trying --
Ilene: -- don't snap at me. I never knew you could be such a crab.
Al: We can eat the crab?
Cut to cousin Henry's house.
[Jill arrives and knocks on the door]
Jill: Hello? Hello? [Cousin Henry appears behind Jill]
Henry: Hello.
Jill: Oh, hi Henry. [Jill gives Henry a hug] I'm so excited to see you.
Henry: Me too. Who are you?
Jill: Oh, I'm your cousin Jill. We just spoke on the phone a couple of hours ago.
Henry: Tell me more.
Jill: Um, I came here to get my old piano back. Remember? I, I, I told you the story about how my dad gave your mom my piano and how crushed I was. Devastated. Heartbroken.
Henry: Oh. Oh, that Jill. Sorry, I've been shellacking today. I get a little fuzzy.
Jill: Do you think we could go in?
Henry: O.K.
Jill: Yeah. [Jill & Henry enter Henry's workshop, which is full of junk and sculptures] Wow, look, look at all this stuff.
Henry: You like it?
Jill: Yes I do. Y'know, I remember when you used to pick through our garbage. I had no idea you were gonna shellack it and sell it for [Jill looks at a price tag on one of the sculptures] a lot of money.
Henry: It's funny. When the garbage is in the can it's worth nothing, but once it's in a gallery people whip out their checkbooks faster than you can say... whatever it is that people say.
Jill: Well, uh, [Henry swats an invisible fly] well, um, um, Henry, the movers will be here any minute.
Henry: I'm moving?
Jill: No, you're gonna give me back my old piano and I'm gonna take it to Detroit.
Henry: Right.
Jill: Right.
Henry: Right.
Jill: Right. So Henry, where is the piano?
Henry: Oh, uh, it's over here. [Henry takes Jill over to a fish tank]
Jill: This is my piano?
Henry: Yeah.
Jill: I don't believe it.
Henry: Thanks. Wait till you see this. [Henry lifts a lid where the keyboard should be to reveal a train set. The train starts running around the track]
Cut to the living room, later that evening.
[Most of the guests have left]
Ilene: It's ten-thirty; maybe we should cut the cake. [Tim looks at his watch]
Al: Cake?
Benny: Now you're talking. Somebody light the candles and make a wish.
Marty: I wish I didn't eat so many Kung Pow crickets. I keep getting this weird urge to rub my legs together. [Heidi comes running over from the door]
Heidi: Jill's coming, Jill's coming, shhh.
Tim: Quietly, everybody hide, quiet. [Everybody hides] What's she doing?
Brad: [Looking out the door] She's just standing there staring at the sky.
Tim: Go hide, hide. Everybody hide. [Brad hides] Don't touch that cake till I get back. [Tim opens the door and goes outside. Jill is standing on the porch] Hey, I've been waiting for you. What're you doing?
Jill: Watching my dreams float away into the far reaches of nothingness.
Tim: Can't see them. You can do that inside, can't you?
Jill: Oh Tim, it was such a depressing day.
Tim: Hmm.
Jill: My cousin ruined my piano.
Tim: I'll get you another piano. But let's talk about it inside. C'mon.
Jill: I know you want to help, I just really don't want to talk about it. I think I just want to be alone. [Jill goes inside, followed by Tim. Everybody jumps out from their hiding places]
Everybody: Surprise! [They all applaud. Jill is surprised]
Cut to the living room, later.
[Tim & Jill are cleaning up]
Tim: I'm sorry things didn't go so smoothly. I really wanted this to be a special night for you.
Jill: It was special.
Tim: Yeah right. By the time you showed up there was only eleven people here.
Jill: Yeah, but eleven people I really love. I mean, ten plus Benny. [Tim laughs]
Tim: I'm sorry about that piano thing.
Jill: Oh, it was crazy for me to go chasing after that anyway.
Tim: No it wasn't.
Jill: Yes it was. I, I was just trying to go back into my past and find something I lost.
Tim: Well, we can do it some other time, er, I'll go with you. We'll make a weekend out of it.
Jill: [Laughing] That's O.K. Tim. Y'know, when I walked in here tonight I saw all the things that have meaning in my life. Great friends, a wonderful family, a husband [Jill hugs Tim] who was sensitive enough to throw me a birthday party the year before my face caved in.
Tim: [Grunting] Oh, you heard that.
Jill: Yeah, I heard that. So honey, [Jill & Tim kiss] are you still gonna love me when I'm all droopy and saggy?
Tim: C'mon, I already do! I fell in love with you and I intend to fall apart with you. Hmm? [They kiss again. The doorbell rings]
Jill: Who's that at this time of the night?
Tim: It's probably Al looking for leftovers.
Jill: Hmm. [Tim goes over to the door and looks through the peephole. He has another look. Tim opens the door and Julie enters]
Julie: I'm sorry I'm late but those directions you gave me were terrible.
Jill: Julie Zuwicky?
Julie: Happy birthday! [Julie hugs Jill. Jill pulls faces at Tim. Tim makes strangling and eye-popping-out motions with his hands. Julie gives Jill her gift]
Jill: Oh, thank you so much. [Julie turns to look at Tim. Tim quickly puts his hands down by his sides]
Cut to the hall, Jill's birthday.
[Tim & the boys lead Jill, blindfolded, down the stairs]
Jill: What is this?
Tim: It's your birthday and the boys and I did something real special for you.
Mark: Alright, where do you want her?
Tim: Per- right here, perfect, perfect.
Randy: Alright Mom, what's the one thing you want most in the whole world?
Jill: Never to see Julie Zuwicky again.
Tim: Got that. I've got something real special for you.
Brad: Yeah, you can go over there and take off the bandana. [Jill takes off the blindfold]
Jill: O.K. [Jill sees her gift] A piano! [Jill goes over to the piano] Oh my gosh, it looks just like the one I had when I was a kid. [Jill sits down at the piano]
Tim: It is the one you had as a kid.
Jill: No! You couldn't have. How could you do this? It was a mess.
Tim: Well, not as big a mess as, er, your [Tim puts on a gormless face] cousin Henry. [Jill laughs]
Brad: We spent the last two weeks restoring it in Wilson's garage.
Randy: Yeah, we would have had it done in a week except Dad kept on playing with the train.
Jill: Oh, I love it so much. Thank you. [Jill kisses Tim] Oh thank you honey.
Tim: Happy birthday.
Jill: And honey, [Jill kisses Mark] and honey, [Jill kisses Brad] and honey. [Jill kisses Randy. Jill sits down at the piano again] Let me see, what do I remember? Um, O.K. [Jill starts playing Für Elise - badly. Tim & the boys grimace and walk away]
Tim: I wonder how long it would take to turn it back into an aquarium?
[Outtake from the first kitchen scene. The boys clear up after breakfast]
Tim: Let's get this place cleaned up and give her the best birthday party we ever gave her, alright?
Randy: Do you think she suspects anything?
Tim: No, I think, er, having the birthday party two weeks before the real thing, thr- [Tim loses the line]
[Beep. Cut]
Tim: But whose idea was it having everybody bring their favorite dish?
Brad: Mine.
Tim: Ah, I'm getting awfully sick and tired of your insolence, boys! [Randy starts laughing]
Randy: Dad. [Randy breaks down, laughing]

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