Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title


Episode #150
Written by:
Bruce Ferber, Lloyd Garver
Directed by:
Peter Bonerz
Transcript by:
Corrections should be sent to:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Guest Cast
Heidi - Debbe Dunning
Linda - Carlene Watkins
Tracy - Maryedith Burrell
Carrie - Trudi Roche
Robin - Loryn Locklin
Minister - Michael Winters
Lillian - Polly Holliday
Mr. Stillman - Ted Hayden
Colonel Adams - Ken Duncan
Episode begins in the Taylor's living room. Tim is on the couch reading a newspaper, the boys are off in the kitchen, and Jill enters through the front door.
Jill: Hey guys!
Tim: Hi honey!
Randy & Mark: [O.S.] Hi Mom!
Brad: [O.S.] Hi Mom!
Jill: Well congratulate me I got my grades, [Looks at the piece of paper in her hand] 4.0 average.
Tim: [Walking over to the kitchen] That's great!
Randy & Mark: [Cheer]
Brad: All right!
Jill: Tim do you have any idea how satisfying it is to get straight A's? [Tim just looks at her] Sorry!
Tim: Congratulation! [Kisses her]
Jill: Thank you. [Tim walks over to the stove and gets a chip and Jill starts to sit down at the table] This last month has been so horrible. But now next week all I have to do is relax [Starts reading a magazine]
Tim: That's it. You just sit back and relax honey. [Phone rings] Will you get that for me? [She turns and looks at him] Well heck, [Puts the newspaper down] why don't I get it. [Picks up the phone] Hello. [In a deep voice] Yes, Colonel it's me. Yep. I'm, right here you don't even have to yell at me. [Covers the bottom part of the phone and turns towards Jill] It's your dad. [Back to talking on the phone] Uh-huh. This weekend. [Jill gets jumpy] Huh. [To Jill] They have frequent flier mileage. It's going to expire if they don't use it. They want to come this weekend. [Jill is doing a motion with her hands that means no or something like that] You..I [Jill mouths I don't want them] Uh why don't I let Jill tell you the good news? [Jill gets up and says something to Tim and grabs the phone] I don't shu he's your dad.
Jill: [Into the phone] Hi daddy. Oh, there's nothing I would like more then have you come visit but, uh, I'm sick. [Brad, Randy, Mark, and Tim are watching Jill who fakes two coughs] Uh, yeah I have a cold , you know, cough, flu. I think I have a ear infection. Oh, yeah I'm so sorry. Oh, well, thank you I'm sure I'll feel better soon. O.K. bye. [She hangs up the phone and notices Tim and the boys staring at her] What?
Mark: You lied to Grandpa.
Jill: I didn't exactly lie.
Randy: Well, then what exactly did you do?
Tim: There's a very good explanation for this. [To Jill] What is it?
Jill: Look I'm jus, I'm really burned out from school and I need some time for myself. But if I told that to your grandpa it would have hurt his feelings.
Randy: So when we get older and we don't want you to visit can we lie?
Jill: [Smiling] Randy, when your father and I get older you won't have to lie because you're gonna wanna be around us all the time because we're going to be just as cool as we are right now. Right, Tim? [Tim doesn't answer and just looks around] I'm dying here aren't I? [Brad, Randy, and Mark shake their heads yes]
Tim: All you're missing is the headstone.
[Opening credits]
Cut to Wilson coming out to his backyard.
[He has a brown curved object in his hands.]
Wilson: Well, hi-ho good neighbor.
Tim: [Trimming his bushes] Hi, there Wilson. Well, did Al and Heidi find something at your garage sale they liked.
Wilson: Oh yes indeed. I thought you might be interested in this. [Holds up the object] This is a handmade wooden throne.
Tim: [Looking at it] Oh it's nice but if I be sitting on a throne it's going to be porcelain my friend.
[Heidi and Al come out to the backyard from Wilson's garage. Heidi is holding an object that has four arms on it with a handle]
Heidi: Hey Wilson I would love to have his antique cheese whipper.
Al: No fair I saw it first. I'll give you twice the asking price.
Heidi: I'll double that.
Wilson: Well, that brings us up to eighty cents.
Al: I'm out. [Heidi smiles]
Brad: [Coming out with the phone] Dad, Grandma's on the phone she wants to talk to you.
Tim: Thanks. [Takes the phone and starts talking into it] Hi, Lillian. No Jill's not here she's uh, out you know buying stuff to nurse her cold. Uh. [Walks a few steps then stops] What? [Walks a few more steps] Oh, my god that's, that's horrible, Lillian. How did it happen? Oh, how are you doing? Oh boy, this is horrible news. [Wilson followed by Heidi and Al come to the fence] What can I do? Wh-ju-ju. Oh yeah, go ahead and call all them, and I'll. Jill'll call you as soon as she gets back. O.K. Bye.
Wilson: Tim, what happened?
Tim: [Turns toward the fence] Jill's dad died.
Wilson: Oh, Tim I'm so sorry.
Al: Oh, so am I. Wh.. what happened was the Colonel sick?
Tim: No it was a heart attack sudden.
Heidi: That's awful. Poor Jill.
Tim: I'll have to take the family to Texas for a couple days. So you'll have to take care of "Tool Time."
Al: Of course.
Tim: See you guys. [Goes inside the house]
Al: Boy, this really puts things in perspective.
Heidi: Yeah. Al, you take the cheese whipper.
Al: No, no, no, no. I couldn't possibly.
Heidi: No really, I insist. [Al takes the cheese whipper and hands it to Wilson]
Al: Wilson, we can't accept this cheese whipper. [Al & Heidi leave]
Cut to the living room, a few minutes later.
[Tim is on the phone and he is writing on a notepad]
Tim: O.K., um, put her on that 6:30 a.m. flight to St. Antonio all right? [Writes on the notepad] Just put it on my credit card. She'll pick up the ticket at the airport. Good. That will be fine. [Jill enters through the front door carrying green and pink bags] Thank you. [Tim hangs up the phone]
Jill: Hi, Sweety. [Happy]
Tim: Hi.
Jill: What an incredible day I had. I went to the Modern Art Museum. [Puts the green bag on the couch] Then I met Patty for lunch. [Puts the pink bag on top of the green bag] We went shopping, we got herbal wraps. You can not imagine how good I feel.
Tim: Your mom called a little while ago.
Jill: Oh no, let me guess. She's mad cuz I wouldn't let her come this weekend.
Tim: Honey? [Sadly]
Jill: What is something wrong?
Tim: [Standing up] It's about your dad.
Jill: My dad what?
Tim: He..he uh had a heart attack this morning.
Jill: [Inhales]
Tim: He..he..he didn't make it, honey.
Jill: [Soft kind of] Oh my god! Oh my god!
Tim: He, um fell asleep in that old recliner in the den and he never woke up. He didn't suffer at all.
Jill: A heart attack? I can't believe this. [Beginning to get upset] I just talked to him he sounded fine.
Tim: I know.
Jill: What about [Getting more upset] Mom? I should call. [Starts to head towards the kitchen but Tim holds her back]
Tim: She's holding up real well. She's holding up real well. [They hug and Jill gets more upset] I booked you on a flight first thing in the morning. O.K? [Tim runs his hands through Jill's hair trying to comfort her] As soon I tie up the loose ends here I'll bring the boys and we'll head out tomorrow afternoon.
Jill: [Upset] O.K. Oh. Oh no. Oh no.
Tim: It's O.K. I'll pack you don't have to worry about a thing. I'll do...
Jill: [Very upset] No you don't understand. Dad called and asked if he could come visit here. I made up that story about how I was sick. How could I do that?
Tim: You didn't know this was going to happen. You just needed time for yourself. There's nothing wrong with that.
Jill: [Still upset] You don't understand. I could have seen him one more time. I could have told him that I loved him. The last thing that I said to my father was a [Wipes her tears on her left cheek] lie!
Tim: Don't hey hey hey! [He hugs her again to comfort her]
Cut to the living room, the next day.
[A door slams shut. Brad is ironing a blue shirt and Randy is folding shorts. Tim comes in through the farthest end of the kitchen with another shirt]
Tim: Come on guys, you've gotta get all packed. How's the ironing going?
Brad: [Sighs and he holds up a piece of the shirt which has a burned mark on it]
Tim: Hey you can wear a wide tie. [Brad shakes his head]
Brad: Can't believe we'll never get to see grandpa again.
Tim: Well, actually we will get a chance to see grandpa one more time.
Brad: An open casket. Jeez that's gross.
Randy: Well, just think of it like an open house.
Tim: Some people think viewing the body gives them a chance to say goodbye to the deceased one more time. O.K?
Brad: What if I don't want to look?
Tim: No one's going to make you look. [To Randy] No one's going to make me look. [Goes somewhere]
[Randy folds another pair of shorts and then stops for a few second then finishes that pair]
Randy: Whoa you know I just thought of something. What if mom let grandpa come here for the weekend and it happened here?
Brad: Yeah he used to sleep in my room. He could have died in my bed.
Randy: And you'd still have to sleep in it. Of course, you know, I'm sure Mom would flip the mattress.
Brad: Just knock it off.
[Mark comes down wearing a very short suit]
Mark: You think this suit is too small?
Randy: No, besides it's real fashionable to show five inches of bare leg. [Tim comes back in]
Mark: I just want to look good for the funeral.
Randy: Well, I got news for ya. Grandpa's going to look more lifelike.
Mark: Grandpa just died .Will you stop making jokes?
Tim: Gentlemen, come on. Come on. [To Brad] Take him upstairs and see if that old brown suit of yours will fit him, all right?
[Brad and Mark go upstairs. Randy begins to spray the collar of another shirt and grabs the iron]
Tim: You need any help with that collar?
Randy: No, dad. I mean I know how to iron for a funeral. Just set the dial to "stiff" [Starts ironing]
Tim: Randy?
Randy: [Puts the iron down] Dad, I don't know why I'm making all these stupid jokes.
Tim: It's O.K. It's O.K. Sometimes making jokes is a way to deal with the loss of somebody. You know, that's how you grieve. I did the same thing at my dad's funeral.
Randy: Oh yeah. I mean now that you talk about. I mean I remember Aunt Rita's funeral you had some good jokes in. You killed.
Tim: Um, the truth is in situations like these, you gotta be careful who you make the jokes around.
Randy: Dad I know. I mean I would never say this kind of stuff around Grandma.
Tim: Make no jokes around your mom, or Mark, or anybody sensitive. Just do them around me.
Cut to a funeral home.
[Linda and Mr. Stillman are talking. Tracy and Jill walk in with their arms around each other]
Tracy: Sorry we're late Jill's plane couldn't get clearance to land so they kept circling the airport.
Jill: [Hugging Linda] Are you O.K?
Linda: Yeah, yeah. I'm O.K. But you with your flu and ear infection.
Jill: No really I, I feel much better. Where's Mom?
Linda: Oh she's back at the house helping Robin and Carrie with the food. Oh this is Mr. Stillman, the funeral director, these are my sister's Jill and Tracy. [They shake hands]
Mr. Stillman: Welcome to our newly remolded chapel featured in the June issue of Mortuaries Illustrated.
Linda: [Shaking her head] Is that the swimsuit issue?
Mr. Stillman: It's going to be a lovely service. I know the Colonel would have approved.
Jill: Oh, did you know our father?
Mr. Stillman: We feel like we know all our guests in spirit.
Tracy: Your guests? What is this, The Bates Motel?
Mr. Stillman: Come in my office when you're ready. We'll talk about what dad will be wearing. [He leaves]
Linda: [Reaching in her purse] Oh, Jill before I forget I want to give you this herbal medicine. Now you take two Echinacea, [Starts giving Jill three medicine jars] one goldenseal, and a garlic pill twice a day. [Lillian comes in]
Lillian: Hi, girls. Oh, Jill. [They hug each other]
Jill: Mom, how are you doing?
Lillian: Oh, I'm better now that all my girls are here.
Tracy: Mom, I thought you were staying home because you didn't trust Robin and Carrie to deal with the food.
Lillian: Well, I finished all that and I came down here.
Tracy: Cuz you don't trust us to deal with the funeral arrangements?
Lillian: It's not that I don't trust you. It's just that I trust myself more. [To Jill] How are you feeling, honey? You look terrible.
Jill: Actually I'm much better.
Lillian: Oh, Jill you were always a terrible liar. [Chuckles] If you're sick you're sick. [To Tracy and Linda] Would you girls mind if I spend a moment with Jill?
Linda: Oh sure, sure Mom. You spend your moment with Jill. We'll just go talk wardrobe with Mr. Sunshine. [They leave]
Jill: [Hugging her mom] Mom how are you holding up?
Lillian: Oh I'm hanging in there. But now what about you? I hope all the travelling wasn't too hard on your what with that flu and your ear infection.
Jill: [Taking off her purse and putting the medicine jars in it] No mom really I'm, I'm feeling much better now.
Lillian: You know you always had a special place in your dad's heart.
Jill: I know. I know.
Lillian: He was really looking forward to that trip to see you.
Jill: He was?
Lillian: Oh, yes. But you were sick. Of course, he understood. Now the irony is that you made the trip to see him. [She walks off and Jill just stands there]
[Commercial break]
Cut to Lillian's living room.
[Jill and her sister's are standing around. Tracy comes from the kitchen in an apron]
Tracy: O.K. everything is ready for dinner. But I need somebody to help me with the fruit salad.
Jill: Oh, I'll help you.
Tracy: Oh no you won't . You might still be contagious.
Robin: And we don't mom to catch anything from you. Her resistance is low.
Jill: Hey guys. Hey guys. There's something I have to tell you. [They get closer together] I'm not really sick. [All laugh]
Linda: Yeah right. You look like that and you're going to tell us you're not sick. [Tracie, Robin, and Linda go into the kitchen]
Carrie: [Leading Jill to the couch] Always the martyr. Here go sit down and rest. [Jill sits down on the couch and Carrie goes in the kitchen]
Jill: I can't believe this. [Puts her hands on her forehead]
Lillian: [Coming downstairs] Neither can I. I keep thinking I'm gonna come down these stairs and see your father [Points towards the den] in front of the TV. Yelling at those Liberal Yankee newscasters. [Chuckles]
Jill: [Holding her mom's hands] Mom is there anything that I can do for you?
Lillian: Oh don't worry about me. Now you're the one we have to take care of. [Leads her to another couch] You lie down right there and rest. Why don't I make you some soup? You're suppose to drink lots of liquids you know.
Jill: Mom I'm really I'm feeling so much better. [Lillian puts a blanket over Jill]
Lillian: Now Jill I can take care of my daughter. Now you just stay right there and don't you lift a finger. [Goes into the kitchen and Tim with the boys enter through the front door and Jill immediately gets up]
Jill: Oh, I'm so glad to see you. [Hugs Brad. Hugs Randy] Did you guys iron your shirts? [Hugs Mark] I want you to look good for the funeral tomorrow.
Brad: Come on mom you've been through enough let's not talk about the shirts.
Jill: Listen, um, guys you should go in the kitchen and say hi to your aunts and your grandma [Brad and Randy go stand by the entrance to the kitchen]
Mark: Are they still going to pinch us even though we're here for a funeral?
Tim: Sadder the ooccasion the harder the pinching. See this scar right here? [Points to this right cheek] My dad's funeral Aunt Winnie. She took a piece of my flesh right off there [Fakes a pinch. Mark goes join Brad and Randy by the kitchen and they go in]
Aunts: [From the kitchen] Oh! Look how big they are.
Brad: [From the kitchen] Ow!
Tim: So how are you doing?
Jill: [Folding the blanket] You won't believe what's going on here.
Tim: Well, let me guess. Your mom thinks you're sick as a dog so she's waiting on you hand and foot.
Jill: Tim, I have to tell her the truth.
Tim: Now is not a good time.
Jill: Why?
Tim: [Looks towards the kitchen and back to Jill] If she finds out you lied, it will cast a pall over the whole funeral.
Jill: [Laughing] I'm so glad you're here.
Cut to a while later during what looks like a dinner party.
[Tim and the boys are standing around talking with Colonel Adams]
Mark: Did you fight in Korea with my grandpa?
Adams: I would have been two years old.
Tim: So you would have been in the infant-tree. [Laughs]
Randy: [Laughing] Infantry. [Tim and Randy give each a high five]
[Tracy, Robin, Carrie, Linda, and Jill are standing in front of the steps]
Linda: You know I'll always cherish daddy's nickname for me.
Carrie: "Nutcase?" [Both shake their heads]
Linda: He said it with such love.
Minister: Come on everyone who has a story about Colonel Patterson they'd like to share. [Tim raises his hand] Tim.
Tim: Oh remember the first time that Jill brought me to meet the Colonel.
Jill: Oh yeah I remember that. [Sits down]
Tim: [Laughs] When Jill finally left us alone the Colonel turned to me and said from the bottom of his heart he said [In deep voice] "Son, how much will it take for you to turn around and never come back here?" [Everyone laughs] But it was years later he gave me the best compliment ever he said [In deep voice] "Son, ten grand that's my final offer. You can't handle the truth." [Everyone laughs]
Carrie: Dad was gruff but he always told it like it was.
Minister: Yes honesty was very important to the Colonel. And he instilled that in all his children. Jill, would you, er, like say a few words?
Jill: Oh, uh sure. Yes, well, you know, dad was really. Uh there was that one time that we uh. You know, I don't really want to do this right now. Mom, can I talk to you [Points toward the den] privately, for a moment? [Goes in the den]
Lillian: Poor thing she's a little under the weather. [Goes into the den]
Tim: Well, then there was the time the Colonel introduced my butt to the business end of a bayonet. Let me show you the puncture wound. [Beginning to take his shirt out]
Cut to the inside of the den.
[Jill is over by a book case and Lillian is over by the door]
Jill: Mom, I...
Lillian: [Interrupting] Honey, you look so pale. You know this flu that's going around.
Jill: [Interrupting] Mom, it's not the flu. Now look, there's something that I have to tell you. I lied to Dad.
Lillian: Oh, Jill relax. He found out along time ago that you vote Democrat.
Jill: No Mom. When Dad called to ask if you all could come up and visit I said that I was sick. I made that up.
Lillian: You didn't want us to visit you?
Jill: No Mom. It just, it wasn't a good time. And I thought you might have understood but I didn't have the guts to say no to Dad.
Lillian: Well, your father was not an easy man to say no to.
Jill: Well, maybe not. But now the last memory I have of my father is lying to him. [Goes over to the television set]
Lillian: Jill, what do you suppose what would have happened if you'd told the Colonel the truth.
Jill: I don't know. He probably would have understood. [Grabs the stuffed animal that sat on top of the television set]
Lillian: [Laughs] I don't think we're talking about the same Colonel.
Jill: Well, how do you think he would have reacted?
Lillian: He would have said "What do you mean you want time for yourself we'll be there at zero eight-hundred and we're bivouacking in Brad's room.
Jill: That does sound like Dad.
Lillian: Oh, he always had to have everything his own way. It could be twenty below zero outside and he'll still want the window open at night. And you remember when he went in for his knee surgery.
Jill: Oh, yeah. He yelled at that surgeon cuz the scalpel wasn't shiny enough.
Lillian: And then he told the doctor to drop and give him twenty right on the operating room floor.
Jill: I guess dad could be kind of pushy sometimes.
Lillian: He was pushy, he was stubborn, he was hot-headed, and he drove me crazy. [Picks up a pipe off the desk and becomes a little upset] And I miss him so much.
Jill: [Walks over to the desk with the stuffed animal to comfort her mother] Oh, Mom I'm so sorry, so sorry.
Lillian: [A little upset] Now Jill you have always been a wonderful daughter. And the last thing your father would want would be for you to [A little pause] torture yourself over a silly little fib.
Jill: I love you, Mom.
Lillian: I love you too, honey. [Puts the pipe down]
Jill: I don't remember that picture of us. Which base was that taken in?
Lillian: [Picking up the picture] Oh, that was Fort Hood. That was the base where Elvis was stationed.
Jill: Dad knew Elvis?
Lillian: He was his commanding officer. Who do you think Hound Dog was written about? [Both laugh]
Jill: Well, wait a minute. This army mule here [Looks at the mule] is that the same one I'm holding in the picture? [Points to a spot on the picture]
Lillian: Yes, that was your favorite. Don't you remember?
Jill: It's all ratty. [Looks at it ] Why would Dad hold on to all these years?
Lillian: To remind him of you. He always hated it that you had to live so far away.
Jill: Oh, Mom.
Lillian: And then about five years ago your father took that mascot and put it on top of the television set [Points towards it] and ever since that time army has beaten navy every football game.
Jill: [Laughing] So I guess I was kind of a good luck charm.
Lillian: I guess you were.
Jill: Can I keep him?
Lillian: I think your father would like that. Providing that you keep it on top of the television set. [Walks towards the door and looks at a picture]
Jill: Deal. Mom.
Lillian: Huh?
Jill: You know if you moved to Michigan you wouldn't have to be so far away from us.
Lillian: But I'd be far away from Tracy and Linda and Carrie and Robin.
Jill: Exactly my point. [Lillian laughs]
Lillian: Oh, Jill I'd love to be near you. But I think it's too soon for me to start making any changes.
Jill: [Softly] O.K.
Lillian: Let's go in there and listen to some more happy memories of Dad.
Jill: O.K. [Lillian opens the door and they go into the living room]
Cut to the living room.
[Tim is in the middle of another story]
Tim: So there I was getting strip searched by a colonel of the United States Army. [View of Jill in the arms of her mother] And at that point I knew I was a family member. I'll tell you that. Boy, that guy had big hands. Whoo!
Cut to the living room.
[Jill is sitting on the couch with a notepad in her hands. Tim is coming downstairs]
Tim: Boy's are in my bed. What are you doing?
Jill: I just, um, finished eulogy for tomorrow. My sister's and I are each going to give a little speech.
Tim: Well, I'm sure your's will be the best. [Kisses her on the top of her head]
Jill: It's not a contest, honey. We're just going to share our feelings about Dad.
Tim: The Colonel was a real great man, you know.
Jill: Yeah, he was. You know, I thought I would feel so much better when I told Mom the truth but now I just feel sadder. [Puts the notepad down]
Tim: It's understandable. You're finally allowing yourself to grieve now.
Jill: Yeah, I guess. You've been so great. [Takes his hand and leads him to sit down next to her]
Tim: [Grunts] Oh!
Jill: Oh, yeah. You took care of all the travel arrangements, you took care of the boys, you took care of me.
Tim: I did what I had to do. I didn't even think twice about it, honey. Come on.
Jill: But that's- what makes it so wonderful is that I can count on you when I need you the most. [Jill puts her head on Tim's shoulder]
Tim: I'm just sorry you had to be reminded that fact in such a sad occasion.
Jill: [Looking at Tim kind of shocked] Listen to you. You're saying all the right things.
Tim: Enjoy it while you can. I don't know where it's coming from. But I'm sure it's not going to last. [They just sit on the couch. Jill's head is back on Tim's shoulder]
[No Bloopers]

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