Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

Burnin' Love

Episode No# 130
Written by:
Jon Vandergriff
Directed by:
Geoffrey Nelson
Transcript by:
Corrections should be sent to:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Guest Cast
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Heidi - Debbe Dunning
Lauren - Courtney Peldon
Jason - Jarred Paul
Lucille Treganowen - Herself
Episode begins in the Taylor kitchen. Jill is preparing some food. Tim enters through the front door with the mail.
Tim: Hello.
Jill: Hi.
Tim: I picked up the mail. And you're invited to your annual psychology department Pot-luck dinner.
Jill: I am one step ahead of them. I am already making my tuna surprise.
Tim: Well take a big step backwards. They've banned you from bringing any food this year.
Jill: Yeah. Like they wrote that on the invitation! [Looks at the invitation] They wrote it on the invitation!
Tim: Pretty insensitive for a bunch of psychologists. You know, maybe, maybe they need some therapy honey.
Jill: Is my tuna surprise really that bad? [Tim grimaces]
Tim: No, you know...
Jill: The truth.
Tim: Truth is a relative thing. Truth is, even your relatives won't eat it.
Jill: Well I'll show them. I'll bet with a little thought and some creativity, I can come up with something that'll make 'em forget the tuna surprise.
Tim: Like the antidote.
[Opening credits]
The Garage
[Tim is welding beneath the Hot Rod. Randy enters from the kitchen]
Tim: Ow!
Randy: Hey Dad. Can a friend of mine come and see the hot rod?
Tim: Yeah. About time you started hangin' out with car-guys. [Lauren enters from the kitchen]
Randy: Dad, this is Lauren.
Tim: Hi Lauren.
Lauren: Hi.
Tim: Where's the car guy?
Lauren: I'm the car guy.
Randy: Lauren and I are working on the school paper together.
Tim: O.K.
Lauren: Hey, this is an original old convertible. It's all metal too.
Tim: [Patronisingly] It's a Ford.
Lauren: [Even more patronisingly] Yes, I know. [Walks around the car] I'm guessing it's a forty-six.
Tim: [Grunts] Uh?
Lauren: Look at these tail lights. You are going to french them aren't you?
Tim: [Grunts] Yeah, yeah.
Lauren: Did you chop the windshield frame yourself.
Tim: [Grunts] Yeah, Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Lauren: And you just gotta shave these door handles.
Tim: [Grunting ] Yeah, I'm gonna...gotta shave 'em, yeah. You know a lot about cars for a girl.
Lauren: For a girl?
Tim: Or a boy. Either one.
Lauren: Well, I've always loved anything with a motor. While all my friends were playing with Barbie, I was souping up her Corvette.
Tim: That little pink Corvette.
Lauren: Yeah!
Tim: With the spoiler on the back, and the little mag wheels. That's a really cool little car.
Lauren: You know it.
Tim: I loved that thing.
Lauren: Wow.
Randy: How would you know?
Tim: Never mind.
Lauren: Come on Randy, let's get to work. Thanks for letting me check out your car Mr. Taylor. [Heads off towards the kitchen]
Tim: Any time Lauren. Nice to meet you.
Lauren: You too.
Tim: Hey, Randy, Randy. Your girlfriend's terrific.
Randy: Dad, she's not my girlfriend. We're just friends.
Tim: She's perfect for you.
Randy: No Dad, actually, she's perfect for you!
The Bathroom
[Randy is stood in front of the mirror practising chat up lines]
Randy: You know, Lauren... you and I make a great writing team. [Puts on a pair of sunglasses and then a flat cap] You know Lauren, I wasn't into cars at all until you came along. [Takes off the hat and sunglasses] You know, Lauren, [Sprays some cologne onto his neck] I'm a big geek!
Brad: [From outside the bathroom] Hey, Randy!
Randy: Yeah! [Starts hiding things in the bathroom drawer and then sits down on the edge of the bath, looking somewhat embarrassed]
Brad: [Enters with Jason] So, er, who were you just talking to?
Randy: No one. That was the radio.
Brad: What radio?
Randy: My, er, my deodorant radio. Sounds great and keeps me dry all day.
Brad: Man, he's not even my weird brother.
Jason: Hey. Don't be so hard on him. Randy, may I say I've always found you to be a very upstanding young man with a strong commitment to hygiene.
Randy: Jason, what do you want?
Jason: Brad.
Brad: Well, Jason's going to be getting some tickets to a concert and,...
Randy: You're inviting me to go?
Brad: No. You see we're inviting you to lend us some money so we can go. It's very simple.
Randy: And, er, I'm inviting you to bite me, O.K!
Jason: Woah, woah. The hygiene thing always works for men.
Brad: Let's just go and try it on Mark.
Jason: Hey, are you wearing enough cologne there tough guy, 'cuz I can still almost breath.
Brad: Come on Jason, give him a break. He's trying to smell good for his new girlfriend, Lauren.
Randy: Look, she is not my girlfriend, alright. We're just writing an article for the school paper.
Brad: On what? Guys who stink? [Randy slams the door on Brad]
The Kitchen
[Jill picks up a cook book from a large pile of cook books]
Jill: Tim, which dish should I make for the pot-luck. I got Italian, French, Chinese...
Tim: Go with British. That way if the meal comes out horrible, people will think that's how it's supposed to taste. [The door bell rings] I'll get it. Where did you get all those cook books?
Jill: I don't know. It's strange. People keep giving them to me.
Tim: That is strange. [Opens the front door] Hi Lauren.
Lauren: Hey.
Tim: Come on in.
Lauren: Hi Mrs. Taylor.
Jill: Hi.
Tim: Did ya come over to look at the hot rod again?
Lauren: No. actually I have to work with Randy, but my Dad and I were talking about your hot rod, and well, we had an idea.
Tim: And that idea would be...?
Lauren: Have you ever thought about sectioning the hood? Cuz it'd bring the front end down about two inches and give the car a real sleek look.
Tim: [To Jill] You know this is exactly why I told you how badly I wanted a daughter. But, you know, we ended up with three fine sons.
Jill: One of them is waiting for you downstairs now. He's very excited about writing the article.
Lauren: Yeah, me too.
Tim: What are you writing about? Cars?
Lauren: No, it's about the school budget cuts. It's called "Why must the ballet club suffer?"
Tim: Easy. So the audience isn't the only one in pain.
Lauren: I'll see you guys later. [Heads off to see Randy]
Tim: Alright.
Jill: Alright.
Tim: I think Randy's got a terrific little girlfriend.
Jill: She's not his girlfriend. He's made it perfectly clear, she's just a friend.
Tim: Yep, yep, and Al's the funny one on "Tool Time".
Jill: Do you have some "inside" I don't know about.
Tim: Come on. It's pretty obvious isn't it. We got a fourteen year old son writing about the ballet!
Jill: Which means?
Tim: Either he really likes her, or we should be having a whole other discussion.
"Tool Time" set
[Tim and Al are opening the show. The sign at the back of the set reads "Salute to Women and Cars"]
Tim: Well, we have a great show for you today. We're doin' out "Tool Time" salute to women, [Tim and Al salute - the sound of a car crashing is heard] and cars.
Al: Some people think that cars are strictly a man's domain.
Tim: That's really not true. Last week I might have meant it, but this week I met a bright little fourteen year old girl who proved to me there's women out there that know just as much about cars as men.
Al: Well, actually Tim, we have a female expert in our audience who probably knows more about cars than you do.
Tim: Who's in the audience?
Al: Well, let's just say she was the cover girl for Transmission Monthly
Tim: So, you got a real car babe, huh?
Al: Well, she's actually sitting in the front row there.
Tim: Well, what the heck, let's bring here down here.
Al: Alright, let's have a warm "Tool Time" welcome for Lucille Treganowan. [Lucille comes down to the stage. There is deliberate confusion that Lucille is the young, and shapely lady who gets up, but in fact Lucille is the elderly lady sat beside her]
Tim: Hi Lucille, welcome to the show.
Lucille: I'm happy to be here.
Tim: I'm happy you're here. So, um, so, what do you do?
Al: Well, actually, she's just written a book about car repair.
Tim: What kind of car do you drive?
Lucille: An eighty-six Park Avenue.
Tim: [Whistles] Does is run on metamusil?
Lucille: That baby has a four barrel carb., high-rise manifold and it will blow your car right off the road, little man!
Al: Well, you know, I just read your book a couple of months ago. I couldn't put it down.
Lucille: Oh, thank you, Al.
Tim: You had to read a book about cars, Al?
Al: Well, if you had read Lucille's book, you'd know that women have come up with ways to repair cars that men never even thought of.
Tim: Like what?
Al: Well, what if you had a split radiator hose?
Tim: Duh. You replace it.
Al: O.K., it's three o'clock in the morning, and you're stranded.
Tim: I call you, wake you up and you put it on.
Lucille: But if you're a woman, you take off your scarf, you take off your belt...
Tim: Lucille! This is a family show honey.
Lucille: You wrap the scarf around the split hose, and then tighten the belt around the scarf.
Al: That's a great idea.
Lucille: You know there are other ways women that have an advantage over men. Like we have this heightened sense of smell.
Al: That's right, which easily enables them to detect car problems by their odour.
Tim: Well, anybody can do that.
Lucille: O.K., wise guy. What if you have a sweet, steamy smell coming from your car. What would that mean?
Tim: You had too many kolbassas at lunch.
Lucille: No Tim, that would mean that your car is leaking hot coolant.
Al: Actually, they're both right.
Taylor Kitchen
[Jill is cooking and reading from the cookery book. Mark is helping her]
Jill: O.K., chicken Cacciatore. We gotta dredge the chicken.
Mark: What does dredge mean?
Jill: I have no idea. Here, go, go look it up in that cooking encyclopaedia. Gotta move on. Mince half an onion. While you're looking up dredge, look up mince.
Mark: Alright, I found dredge. It means coat the chicken with flour.
Jill: I know how to do that. O.K. Here. Come here. Yeah, put the chicken in there. Okay. Then we drop in some flour. There we go. Alright. Then we close the bag and shake. [They start dancing around shaking the bags they have filled. Randy comes into the kitchen]
Randy: What you doin'? The hokey poultry?
Jill: You grab a bag of chicken and you shake it all around.
Mark: Just remember, it's all in the wrists. [Hands a bag to Randy and leaves]
Jill: Here, take this one [Hands Randy the other bag]
Randy: Alright.
Jill: How's the article coming?
Randy: Oh, it's going great. Lauren's coming over tomorrow. We're going to finish it up. We're really working well together.
Jill: She seems like a nice girl.
Randy: Yeah, I really like her. You know, her, her writing. [Randy quickly looks away from Jill. The doorbell rings] I'll get that.
Jill: Yeah.
Lauren: [Randy opens the door to Lauren] Oh, hi Randy.
Randy: Hi. What are you doin' here?
Lauren: We're picking up Brad and Angela to go to a concert.
Randy: Who's "we"?
Jason: [Appears around the corner of the front door] We would be me.
Randy: You?
Jason: Me.
Brad: Hey, guys. Angela says she's running a bit late, so we're going to have to pick her up on the way.
Jill: O.K., be home by twelve.
Brad: Alright Mom. Love you.
Lauren: See you tomorrow, Randy.
Randy: Right. O.K. [Randy watches as the others leave, and then closes the front door, looking sad]
Jill: I didn't know that Lauren was going out with Jason.
Randy: Yeah, neither did I.
Jill: You alright?
Randy: Yeah, I'm fine.
Jill: Sure you're not upset?
Randy: Why would I be upset?
Jill: I don't know. 'Cos a nice girl like that's going out with Jason.
Randy: Why should I care, Mom. I told you a million times, Lauren and I are just friends.
[Commercial break]
The Garage
[Tim is working on the car. We hear Jill call from the kitchen]
Jill: Tim! You were right.
Tim: I know. [Tim walks into the kitchen]
Jill: Don't you want to know about what?
Tim: Don't care. Just love bein' right.
Jill: Randy really does have feelings for Lauren, but Lauren doesn't have any feelings for Randy. She's going out with Jason.
Tim: Nyah! What could she possibly see in Jason? That guy's Dad drives a Pacer.
Jill: Well, Randy's really hurting. You remember what it feels like to be rejected.
Tim: Yes I do. I remember hearing every excuse in the book. [In a mock female voice] "Um, I gotta wash my hair. No, no, no, I've got a touch of the plague, that's what I've got, yeah. No, no, I've got to de-worm my Schnauser."
Jill: You must have felt awful.
Tim: Yeah, but you came around.
Jill: Well, I feel really bad for Randy.
Tim: Well, we're not going to take this lying down.
Jill: What are we talkin' about?
Tim: We're gonna get her back.
Jill: We never had her!
Tim: We're going to play up the car thing, O.K. I'll invite her over to the garage. We'll work on the hot rod. While we're shaving the door handles, I'll talk Randy up big time, do a couple of my jokes, Bing - Bang - Boom - we got her back.
Jill: Tim, that's not going to work.
Tim: Apparently, you've never seen me in action.
Jill: Unfortunately, I have.
The Garden
[Jill comes out from the living room]
Jill: Hi, Wilson. What's all that smoke?
Wilson: Well, Jill, I'm burning food as a sacrifice for the Chinese festival of hungry ghosts.
Jill: Well, that's a switch! For once I'm cooking something good, and you're burning food.
Wilson: Of course people eating my food are already dead.
Jill: I'm making chicken Cacciatore. You got any fresh oregano?
Wilson: Yes indeed. I just picked a fresh batch here to burn for my ghosts. [Hands some oregano to Jill over the fence]
Jill: Thanks. You, er, happen to have anything for a broken heart? Randy is devastated because this girl that he really likes is going out with somebody else.
Wilson: Ah, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm. Oh, I know how painful that can be. I'll never forget losing my first love, Debbie-Anne. We were in fourth grade. I guess we were about nine years of age. We were inseparable until one day at the playground, we had a big fight.
Jill: 'Bout what?
Wilson: Well, I was a big believer in laissez-faire Capitalism and she was a Neo-Marxist.
Jill: Kids!
Wilson: True.
Jill: I wish I could do something to make Randy feel better.
Wilson: Well, unfortunately during those turbulent, teenage years, there's not really much a parent can do.
Jill: It just goes totally against my instincts. I mean, when my kid has a problem, I just want to rush in and fix it.
Wilson: Mmm, but if Randy learns to fend for himself now, then when he's an adult, he'll be more independent.
Jill: Well, who better to help him be independent that his Mother?
Wilson: Oh, Jill, I know this is rough on you, but Randy will get through this. In the words of the famous German philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche, "That which does not destroy me, only makes me stronger".
Jill: What did Nietzsche know? He wasn't a Mother!
Wilson: Jill, maybe you're being just a wee bit overprotective?
Jill: Oh, what do you know? You're not a Mother either.
Wilson: Well, thanks for stoppin' by! [Turns and walks away from the fence] It's always a pleasure.
By the Front Door
[We are looking into the house and see Randy peering out of the window beside the front door. Cut to inside the living room. Jill comes in from upstairs wearing her dressing gown. We see that Randy is wearing his dressing gown also]
Randy: Mom.
Jill: Hi.
Randy: What are you doing up?
Jill: I got up to put away the chicken Cacciatore. What are you doin'?
Randy: I was just waiting for Brad to get back from the concert.
Jill: They're a little late.
Randy: Yeah, Jason probably got 'em back stage passes.
Jill: How would he do that?
Randy: Oh, by complimenting the security guard on his hygiene. Did you hear that car door?
Jill: No.
Randy: Oh.
Jill: Honey, it really hurt my feelings when they didn't want me to cook anything for the pot-luck. It hurts to be rejected. Whether it's over cooking, or relationships.
Randy: [Laughs] You're comparing your tuna surprise to my life?
Jill: Not any more.
Randy: Mom, I mean at least your tuna surprise got a chance. I never got my chance with Lauren. I waited too long, and now it's too late.
Jill: Honey, it's one concert. It's just one date. If I had to choose between you and Jason, it'd definitely be you.
Randy: You're my Mother!
Jill: Jason is obnoxious. He's sneaky. His Father drives a Pacer for God's sake.
Randy: So, you're saying I might still have a chance with Lauren.
Jill: Honey, if there's hope for me to cook a decent meal, there's hope for you and Lauren.
Randy: So you're saying there's no hope.
Jill: Alright, alright, try this. [Takes a spoonful of the chicken dish and offers it to Randy. Randy looks askance at it] Come on.
Randy: Wow! That's, that's fantastic. It tastes like food!
Jill: Gosh. You know they say that it's hard for teenage boys to open up to their Mothers. So I guess that you and I have a very special relationship. I mean, we share our emotions... [Turns to put the chicken dish into the fridge] ...our innermost feelings... [Randy turns and quietly creeps away to the basement] really moves me when you have a problem and you feel comfortable coming to me, and pouring out your...Randy, Ran... Wh... uh.
The Taylor Living Room
[Randy is at the computer and Lauren is stood at the counter]
Lauren: So, according to Mrs. Rupini, without funding for the ballet club, there will be no production this year.
Randy: Students, teachers and parents, we urge you to speak out. Don't let this be the swan-song for Swan Lake.
Lauren: Hey, that's a great ending. You know, Randy, you and I make a pretty great team.
Randy: Yeah, we do don't we.
Lauren: Well, I better go. I've still got tons of homework to do.
Randy: Er, Lauren, you got a minute?
Lauren: Yeah, sure. What's up?
Randy: Uh, no, nothin' special, it's just we've been working the whole time, we really haven't had a chance to talk.
Lauren: Well, what do you want to talk about?
Randy: You know, whatever. Weather, politics, how your date with Jason went.
Lauren: It wasn't a date. A bunch of us went to see a concert.
Randy: Oh, see I thought it was a date.
Lauren: So did Jason. He kept putting his arm around me and complimenting my hygiene.
Randy: What a jerk.
Lauren: I'd never be interested in someone like him.
Randy: That's fantastic!
Lauren: It is?
Randy: Well, no, I mean, not for Jason, but it would be for a guy you would be interested in going out with, whoever that might be.
Lauren: Randy, what are you trying to say?
Randy: Well, um, I was just wondering, you know, if you're not too busy sometime, maybe you would like to go out on a date?
Lauren: I don't think so.
Randy: O.K., forget I said it. Bad idea.
Lauren: No, no it's not you Randy. It's just that I'm not ready to start dating yet. I'm just having more fun hanging out with my friends.
Randy: Like you and me hang out.
Lauren: Yeah.
Randy: Cool. And when you are ready to start dating?
Lauren: I just hope you're still available.
Randy: Well, at the moment, my calendar's wide open.
Tim: [Enters from the garage] Hi Lauren. Randy, just the car guy I'm lookin' for. I got those tickets for the hot rod show you wanted to go to. God, does he love his cars!
Randy: Dad, I...
Tim: And guess who I saw at the ticket office. Jason's parole officer. He doesn't hold out a lot of promise for that kid. [Tim starts rooting around in the refrigerator and Randy and Lauren sneak off out of the room] You know I pity the woman that dates a guy like that, I'll tell you that. What you need is good, car loving, ballet appreciating guys. Kinda like, well, Randy. Cuz Randy... [Notices that the room is empty]
The Living Room
[Tim and Jill are lying on the sofa reading magazines]
Jill: I'm so proud of Randy for telling Lauren how he felt.
Tim: Yeah, they're still friends - which means she still might stop over and help me work on the car. You know if I'd known a girl could turn out like Lauren, I might have tried for a daughter.
Jill: I've always told you how much fun it would be to have a girl around the house.
Tim: Uh, huh. Spoiling her, buying little girly things.
Jill: So sweet. What would you buy for her?
Tim: Oh, little pink ratchet set, soft cuddly little stuffed muscle car, baby's first tyre iron.
Jill: And what would you do when your adorable little girl started dating guys like Jason?
Tim: Well, that's what the tyre iron is for.

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