Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

What a Drag

Episode No# 167
Written by:
Elliot Shoenman, Marley Sims
Directed by:
Geoffrey Nelson
Transcript by:
Thomas B. Alb
Corrections should be sent to:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Heidi - Debbe Dunning
Guest Cast
Ronny - Kaylan Romero
Episode begins in Tim's backyard. The backyard is covered with snow and it is a bit windy. Heidi, Tim and Al are taping the show.
Heidi: Welcome to "Tool Time" on location. Here we are, in Tim's very own backyard. [The "Tool Time" music plays]
Tim & Al: It's Storm Watch '98. [Tim makes some gestures towards the crew and the wind stops]
Tim: Hi, I am Tim "The Weather Man" Taylor, and of course you all know my assistant, "Al Niño" [Al salutes] Borland.
Al: That's right. [Tim starts making some windy whistling sounds] And we're here to show you how to protect your house and property from the ravages of a winter storm. [Tim looks towards the camera, makes the cutting gesture again and stops whistling]
Tim: It's gonna be a long winter. Al's mom saw her shadow. This is hard to do, cuz she can't see her feet at this point, can't she? [Tim looks at his feet and pretends to walk like Al's mom] Ooh, ooh.
Heidi: [Holding a weather map] And later in the week, we expect a huge storm to hit our area.
Tim: That's right. [Tim runs his hand over the map as he talks] There's cold front cruising across the Great Plains, that's gonna collide with the North-Easter from the South-West, causing severely precipitous weather. And a small craft advisory.
Al: [Directly into the camera] In other words, it's going to be windy. [Tim slaps Al's arm. Al goes a step away from the camera again] Now a storm can be devastating, but there are some precautions you can use to protect your property.
Tim: Right. Especially those living along the lakes. [Al goes towards the house] You want to tie down and secure anything that might cause some damage. First thing-- [Al comes back holding one end of a rope which he ties around Tim] Ha ha ha ha. Gee Al, funny as always. [Tim removes the rope] Alright, we've already had a very bad ice storm this year. What we want to do now [Tim goes over to the trees] to prevent further damage is prune some of these trees.
Al: That's right. You want to cut back any rotting or dead wood. [Al hands Tim a chain saw]
Tim: Right. Or you can recycle that dead wood and build yourself an assistant. [Heidi smiles. Tim climbs up the ladder onto the tree]
Al: Now in some areas the wind is going to get as high as 60 miles per hour, so it's also a good idea to protect your windows by putting up three-quarter-inch plywood.
Cut to Tim standing up in the tree
Tim: Hey guys. Holy moly guys, you ought to see this branch near Wilson's house. It's a disaster waiting to happen. It's got, uh, stress-cracks in it. Big ones. Very, er, [The branch Tim is standing on starts to crackle] very similar to the ones I got on this branch here.
[The branch breaks off. Tim crashes through the gazebo and lands sitting up on the swing, lowering the bench to ground level. Al and Heidi run over to him]
Tim: We'll be right back with some gazebo repair tips.
[Opening credits]
Cut to the gazebo, a few seconds later.
Al: Are you sure you're alright?
Tim: Yes Al. A big splinter under my butt broke my fall.
Al: O.K., well here, uh let me give you a hand with that. [Tim and Al lift up some broken part of the swing] I guess we'll just, er-- [Al sees a plastic bag that is taped to the underside of it] Hey, what's this? [Al removes the bag]
Tim: What's what, Al?
Al: Looks like oregano. Is Jill keeping it out here so it stays fresh?
Tim: Let me see that. [Tim looks at the bag] That's not oregano.
Al: Tarragon? [Al smells the bag]
Tim: This is marijuana.
Al: Jill cooks with marijuana?!
Tim: No, you idiot. Somebody is hiding this out here.
Al: Oh, I can't believe I touched this bag! Well now my prints are a-all over it! [Al starts wiping his fingerprints off the bag]
Tim: Hey hey hey hey! Calm down.
Al: You know, this makes me an accessory. I could be charged, with, with possession of illicit drugs!
Tim: Al, Al. Al. Stop stop. Think for a minute. You found marijuana on my property. What does that say to you?
Al: I can no longer run for political office.
Cut to the kitchen.
[Jill is sitting on the counter talking to the phone. Tim enters from the backyard]
Jill: [To the phone] Yeah... Bye. [Jill hangs up the phone and looks at the piece of paper she's holding. Tim presents her the marijuana]
Tim: Look what I found.
Jill: This is a joke, right? Is this what I think it is?
Tim: It was taped to the underside of the seat out there. [Jill checks the bag]
Jill: Oh my God, it's marijuana.
Tim: That's right. [Jill gets up from the counter]
Jill: What d-- do you think this belongs to one of our boys?
Tim: Well not unless we have a chipmunk that has glaucoma.
Jill: Well no no no, there's other possible explanations. I mean, this could be one of your crew member's, they could have hid it there.
Tim: My crew doesn't smoke pot. You can't be high when you do a show like "Tool Time." Look at the quality. Precision. You gotta face this, this is our kids'.
Jill: I know, you're probably right, oh God, oh God, O.K., just think calm, we've gotta think about this. Which one is it? Has any of them been acting strange?
Tim: All of them. [Jill starts walking back and forth behind Tim's back]
Jill: Have you noticed anybody eating any more than usual?
Tim: All of them.
Jill: What about smelling funny?
Tim: All of them. Well this is it. They, they formed a cartel!
Jill: Well, oh, oh, ah, when they get home from school, I'll just have to sit them down and, and ask them.
Tim: Don't be silly. They're not gonna come clean. It will just drive the user further underground and we may never find out who's using this stuff.
Jill: Well what do you think we should do?
Tim: We gotta trap 'em.
Jill: Trap them?
Tim: Trap them. Look, it's Friday night, whoever owns this is going to want it for the weekend. So I say my guys fix the seat, I put it back where it belongs, we go over to Wilson's house, we watch the guilty party come and nab him.
Jill: I don't know. I don't like the idea of spying on my own children.
Tim: Well there's your first mistake, thinking of them as children. If we love them, we've got to think of them as potential felons.
Jill: Don't call my babies felons.
Tim: I said potential felons. Let me try the stakeout, please.
Jill: O.K., alright, but if this doesn't work, we're gonna be open and honest with them.
Tim: And what if that doesn't work?
Jill: We grill 'em, shake 'em down, eventually one of them will crack.
Tim: Don't say "crack." [Tim goes into the backyard]
Cut to the backyard, that night.
[The camera is looking towards Wilson's house. There is a periscope looking around behind the fence near Wilson's telephone pole, which then moves to the right and turns to look at the Taylor's house again. The shot changes to Wilson's yard to reveal that Tim is the user of the periscope]
Tim: I don't believe this.
Jill: I don't either, it's ten degrees out here.
Cut to the view through the periscope.
[Brad is in the kitchen cleaning his fingernails with a fork]
Tim: No no, Brad is picking his fingernails with a fork.
Jill: That's disgusting.
[Brad puts the fork back into the drawer]
Tim: No, this is really disgusting. He's putting the fork back in the drawer.
Jill: Gross!
[Wilson enters with cups of hot chocolate and hands one of them to Jill]
Wilson: Well, here's some hot chocolate.
Jill: Oh, thank you, Wilson.
Wilson: [Wilson drinks the hot chocolate. The cup, in addition to the darkness, is obscuring his face] Oh.
Jill: Wilson, you're out here all the time. Did you ever see the kids doing anything suspicious?
Wilson: I have never seen a thing. And I find it so hard to believe that any of the boys would be experimenting with cannabis.
Tim: My boys aren't flesh-eaters!
Jill: I just don't get it. We have been so much more open with them than our parents were with us.
Wilson: We communicated with them.
Jill: We respected them.
Wilson: Were did we go wrong?
Tim: Hello-o! Remember the dad?
Wilson: Oh, I'm sorry, Tim. It's just that sometimes I tend to think of your children as my own.
Jill: You know, we should have just prepared them better. Shared more of our concerns about drugs.
Wilson: Hm-m.
Tim: We shared up the Ying-Yang! We should have been tougher on them.
Jill: Oh, for up to you, we'd never let them out of their rooms.
Tim: That's right. Couple of good substantial police locks, some hungry Rottweilers sitting out there, [Imitating an angry Rottweiler] rlah-rlah-rlah-rlah-rlah!
Wilson: You know, I've read about kids and drugs in the paper, but it never really hit home till that happened to my own backyard.
Jill: It's ironic, isn't it? I mean first we rebel against the authority figure, then we are the authority figure.
Tim: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! I think our dope fiend is making his move.
Cut to the other side of the fence
Jill: Which one is it? [The periscope quickly moves to the left and stops by the telephone post]
Tim: It's Brad.
Jill: No. Not Brad.
Cut to the periscope. Brad is in the living room
Tim: That's right. He's making his move, he's making his move, he's going for [Brad puts on his coat] his coat.
Cut to the Taylor backyard. Wilson's hat is visible over the fence
Wilson: I knew it couldn't be our first-born. [The periscope turns to look at Wilson]
Cut to Wilson's backyard, two hours later.
[Tim is still observing the house]
Jill: It's been two hours. I'm freezing. I want to go inside.
Tim: Hold on a minute. Wa-wait wait wait wait wait!
Jill: What?
Tim: Randy. Walking to the [Cut to the periscope] living room, opening the yard door. [Randy goes out the back door, carrying his coat]
Jill: Not sweet little Randy!
Tim: Don't let little baby-face fool you, he's got "pot-head" written all over his face. [Randy puts on his coat and reaches for something on the ground next to the door] He's reaching down to pick up something. [Randy picks up his boots]
Jill: The drugs?
Tim: No, it's his boots.
Cut back to Wilson's yard
Jill: Yeah, I knew it wasn't him.
Tim: He's going back inside.
Cut back to the view through the periscope. Mark and Ronny are in the living room.
Tim: Ronny just walked in!
Jill: Ronny?
Tim: Yeah, Mark's friend.
Cut to Tim and Jill
Jill: Mark didn't say anything about Ronny coming over. That's really weird-- Oh my God, that's it. The drugs belong to Ronny. He's just hiding them here. What a little jerk-- oh wait a minute, wait a minute, this is great! We're not the lousy parents, the lousy parents belong to Ronny!
Tim: Well even if it's Ronny's pot, Mark could be smoking it.
Jill: Oh. That's true. Well thanks a lot, [Jill slaps Tim's back] I finally get my hopes up, you got to crush them. Why do you have to be such a downer?
Tim: Don't say "downer"!
Cut to the Taylor backyard, even later that night.
[Somebody is heard snoring. The periscope moves left and right to the rhythm of the snoring. A few seconds later Tim's head sinks down and clunks against the fence. The shot changes to Wilson's backyards again. Tim is leaning against the fence, sleeping]
Jill: Tim? [Jill rubs Tim's back] Tim. Tim!
Tim: What? [Tim wakes up] Hm?
Jill: Honey. I've had it. Nobody is making a move for the pot. I'm freezing, you're falling asleep.
Tim: [Tim yawns] Give me fifteen more minutes.
Jill: O.K. Fifteen minutes, --
Tim: Yeah.
Jill: -- but not a second more than that. You know, I'm gonna go out to the car and get a thermal blanket. [Jill leaves to get the blanket. Tim leans his head against the telephone pole and falls asleep again]
Cut to the Taylor back door.
[Somebody comes out the door, but we can't see who it is because only his feet are seen, and slowly walks towards the (fully repaired) gazebo and reaches under the swing for the marijuana. Jill grabs the yet unknown person's arm]
Jill: Tim. [No response] Tim! [Tim's head pops up over the fence]
Cut back to the gazebo.
[Jill is standing there holding Brad's arm. Jill and Brad turn to look at each other]
[Commercial Break]
Cut to the gazebo, a few seconds later.
Jill: Well what do you have to say for yourself?
Brad: Well it's not mine, I was holding it for somebody else.
Tim: Who were you holding it for?
Brad: You guys don't know him.
Jill: Well I'd like to know him. What's his phone number?
Brad: Well he just moved in. I don't think he has a phone yet.
Tim: Let's not dither, get inside. Come on. [Tim, Jill and Brad go inside]
Brad: I thought you guys were going out?
Tim: That's what we wanted you to think. We were over at Wilson's yard, hiding.
Brad: Oh, so you set a trap for me? Well that really shows you have a lot of trust in your child.
Jill: We catch you with drugs, and you want to talk about trust?
Brad: Well, you raise a good point.
Tim: Sit.
Brad: Look, I told you guys I was just holding it for somebody else.
Tim: What do you think? We're a bunch of idiots? [Brad and Jill take off their coats. Brad sits at the table] You want us to believe that you're all of a sudden in the marijuana storage business?
Jill: Is this your dope or not?
Tim: The truth.
Brad: Alright. [Jill sits down at the table] Alright, it's mine. I came to pick it up after the basketball game and I was gonna take it to a party.
Tim: Well now you are a supplier.
Brad: No Dad, a lot of kids bring stuff.
Tim: What is that, a pot luck?
Jill: Is this the only drug you're doing?
Brad: Yes.
Jill: How much are you smoking?
Brad: I don't know, not that much.
Jill: Once a week, once a month, what?
Brad: Mom, I do it when I go to parties. It's just a way to kick back and mellow out every once in a while.
Jill: I see. So you kick back and mellow out to your car, get behind the wheel and mellow yourself right into a telephone pole? I mean, you already managed to do that once straight.
Tim: Or weren't you straight then?
Brad: I don't get high and drive.
Jill: You were going to drive tonight.
Brad: You, you know what, don't you guys think you're making a big deal out of this?
Tim: If it wasn't a big deal, why were you hiding it under the bench out there?
Brad: Because I know you'd freak.
Tim: Well why do you think I'd freak about it? Why do you think so? It's cuz what you're doing is illegal here!
Brad: You know what, Dad, don't you think you're being a little hypocritical?
Tim: Well why don't you explain that to me?
Brad: I don't know, you were alive during the whole hippie thing. Are you telling me you never smoked weed?
Tim: Don't turn this around, this is not about us! This is about you. And, and... and you're grounded right now for-- until we can figure out what to do about his. Now get up to your room.
Brad: Fine. [Brad gets up]
Tim: Fine. [Brad leaves] Don't give me that stuff. Pulls this and says I'm a hypocrite? [Tim goes towards the kitchen, followed by Jill]
Jill: Well, he's right, at least about me. I used to smoke a lot of dope.
Tim: You don't tell him about that! [Jill starts filling the teakettle] It was a long time ago, when you were in college. And this stuff's, uh-eh-ih- this is stronger now.
Jill: It was still illegal then. I mean, I should have talked to Brad about --
Tim: No, no.
Jill: -- my experiences before, --
Tim: No!
Jill: -- he could have benefited from my mistakes.
Tim: You telling him that you ever smoked pot is like endorsing it.
Jill: He doesn't need my endorsement. He's already doing it.
Tim: O.K., O.K. We'll tell him the truth about everything now. How about the first time we had sex? Huh? Rusty's barn dance, [Tim dances around] bam-bam-bam bam bam-bam, yeah! How about the time when we both cheated on our SATs?
Jill: I didn't cheat on my SATs.
Tim: Oh. Rub that in my face again. [Jill puts the teakettle down on the stove]
Jill: Look, I just think that being honest with Brad is our best chance of, of getting him to stop doing drugs.
Tim: We c-- [Randy comes around the corner by the refrigerator. Tim hides the bag behind his back]
Randy: I'm guessing you're not talking about metamusil. [Randy looks from Jill to Tim, then takes off his coat]
Jill: We, er, we caught Brad with some marijuana.
Randy: Wow.
Tim: Wow. You smoke this stuff too, don't you?
Randy: No!
Tim: Is that a real no or a "no I don't wanna be in trouble like Brad" no?
Randy: It's a real NO.
Tim: Maybe we can trust him. [Tim puts his hand on Randy's shoulder. Randy sighs. Tim sniffs Randy's hair]
Cut to Brad's room.
[Brad is standing in the middle of the room and looks at his watch. Somebody knocks at the door]
Brad: Yeah.
Randy: It's me.
Brad: Come in. [Randy comes in]
Randy: [Gloating] Man, are you in deep!
Brad: Well, did Mom and Dad tell you too?
Randy: Yeah. How could you bring drugs into the house? [Brad sits on the bed]
Brad: I didn't bring them into the house. I taped them to the swing outside. [Randy sits down at the desk]
Randy: Oh, that's much better. [Short pause] You know, I didn't even know you smoked.
Brad: I've only done it a couple of times. And come on, you've been to a ton of parties, are you telling me you never smoked?
Randy: No. I mean, the kids who are always smoking seem so out of it. I just never pictured myself sitting in the corner contemplating the meaning of string.
Brad: Yeah, well I don't do that. [Brad gets up from the bed again]
Randy: So what do you do?
Brad: Well, I just kind of sit around and talk about stuff.
Randy: Like what?
Brad: What do you care?
Randy: I'm just trying to figure out what's going on with you.
Brad: You know, what's going on with me is that I'm grounded. Where's Mom and Dad?
Randy: They're in their room talking.
Brad: Good. [Brad looks at his watch and goes to the door]
Randy: Wait, where are you going?
Brad: I've got to make a phone call. [Brad goes out the door]
Cut to the kitchen/living room
[Brad comes down the stairs, followed by Randy]
Randy: What are you doing? Mom and Dad want you to stay in your room. [Brad goes over to the phone]
Brad: Shut up, I know what I'm doing.
Randy: Well you've certainly proven that. [Brad picks up the phone and dials a number. Randy leaves to the basement]
Brad: [To the phone] Hey Eric... Yeah, it's Brad... No no no, I can't take you to that party... Yeah, I kinda got busted by my parents... [Tim and Jill come towards the kitchen, but Brad hasn't seen them yet] Yeah. Won't be smoking pot for a while.
Tim: For a while?
Brad: [To the phone] Yeah, I gotta go. [Brad hangs up the phone]
Jill: So, you're just gonna wait till we get off your back and start smoking again.
Tim: Brad, sit down, please. [Tim points to the couch]
Brad: Guys come on, I mean, it's not like I'm doing hard drugs.
Tim: You don't have to do hard drugs to screw up your life. [Brad and Jill sit on the couch]
Jill: Yep. And we know that from experience.
Brad: So, so you were pot heads.
Tim: No! I was a beer head. [Tim sits on the couch so Brad is sitting in the middle between him and Jill]
Jill: But I was.
Tim: You were friends with a girl who smoked a lot of pot, and she got busted and ended up going to jail, and her family wouldn't talk to her, so as I recall her boyfriend had to bail her out. God knows what would have happened if he weren't around. That guy was a saint.
Brad: Was that a story about you?
Tim: No!
Jill: Yes.
Tim: Nooo.
Jill: Yes, it was. It's not the whole story. I, I would, [Sighs] I got stoned at a Led Zeppelin concert. I bought some dope that was laced with something.
Brad: What was it laced with?
Jill: I don't know. But I ended up in the emergency room. Got registered under the name Charlene Fogelman.
Brad: So you used a phony name so your parents wouldn't catch you?
Jill: No, I thought I was Charlene Fogelman.
Brad: Well then how did you end up in jail?
Jill: Somebody turned me in. I was messed up for a long time after that.
Tim: She still hyperventilates everytime she hears "Stairway to Heaven". But who doesn't!
Jill: Look Brad, I know what this is like. You know, when you're young, you want to have adventures, you think, "Nothing bad can happen to me." It's just not true. Something bad can happen TO YOU. Why would you want to take that risk?
Tim: You, you're life's, you know, on track now, you don't want to do stuff that will get it off-track, you know, you got so much going for, you got so much to lose. I mean... how about your soccer scholarship?
Jill: And the trust of a family who loves you.
Brad: Yeah, I don't want to lose my soccer scholarship. Or, or the other thing.
Tim: "The other thing" is the most important thing in your life. Nobody believes or cares in you as much as we do.
Brad: I know that.
Jill: So? What now?
Tim: What are you gonna do next time you go to a party?
Jill: Which, by the way, will be a very long time from now.
Tim: Somebody wants you to smoke some pot, what are you gonna do?
Brad: I'll just say "No, thanks."
Tim: Well come on, just a tope, come on Brad, what's the matter, come on, just a...
Brad: Dad, I won't take it.
Tim: What are you gonna tell them when, when they ask why not?
Brad: I don't know, I mean I guess I'll just make up some kind of excuse.
Jill: Here is what they tell us to use at the counseling center: Tell them that you can't smoke because if you get caught again, your parents are gonna put you on drug testing.
Brad: Well, do you think my friends are really gonna buy that?
Tim: You convince them. Cuz it'll be true.
Brad: O.K., I get the picture.
Tim: Good. Enough with this sensitive emotional moment, it's over. Now I want you to go back to your room, and I'll talk to you tomorrow after ten o'clock. [Tim stands up]
Brad: What then?
Tim: Sentencing.
Brad: Alright, I'm sorry.
Tim: Alright. [Brad leaves. Tim sits down again] Do you think we got through to him?
Jill: I don't know. I hope so. Because we can reason with him and tell him horror stories all we want, but when he goes out that door, it's going to be all up to him.
Tim: He's a good kid, though.
Jill: Yeah, I think so. [Deep breathy sigh] Do you remember when the worst problem that we had with Brad was toilet training?
Tim: Huh. Now, makes sense. Couldn't get him on the pot, now we're trying to get him off the pot. [Jill smiles and shakes her head]
Jill: Ohh, what a miserable day.
Tim: Telling me. First thing you know you crash into a gazebo, next thing you know your oldest son is on drugs. Boy, I need a beer! [Tim starts to get up, but Jill holds him back]
Cut to the living room, the next day.
[Randy, Mark and Jill are sitting on the couch. Tim is standing behind them]
Jill: So Brad is not going to be driving or going to parties for two months.
Tim: We went easy on him because he was the first one to get caught. However, the next one gets the book thrown at him.
Mark: That's not fair.
Tim: Well no one said life was fair!
Jill: You have the benefit of learning from Brad's mistake.
Randy: Hm. You know, in some cultures it's the kid that screwed up who is expected to learn from his mistake.
Tim: Well this isn't a fancy country like France. This is America, where one person can screw it up for everybody.

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