Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

Taking Jill for Granite

Episode No# 168
Written by:
Laurie Gelman
Directed by:
Peter Bonerz
Transcript by:
D. Victor
Corrections should be sent to:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Heidi - Debbe Dunning
Guest Cast
Patty - Tammy Lauren
Ian - Tom Wopat
Episode beings in the kitchen. Tim is dusting the cupboards . Jill and Brad enter through front door.
Brad: Hey Dad.
Jill: Hi sweetie.
Brad: How're you doing?
Tim: Hey look.
Brad: Alright.
Tim: Good news, honey, I finished the kitchen.
Jill: Huh! Finally!
Brad: [Looks at kitchen, there are no countertops] I, uh like it, it's...airy.
Jill: Well, uh Tim when you said "done" I had a whole different image in my mind.
Tim: Well I finished my part...I got the cabinets in. Uh?
Jill: Well, they look great.
Tim: Thank you. Now we just gotta find the right granite guy to put in the countertops.
Jill: [Rolls eyes] Tim, you fired the last two granite guys cuz you didn't like the way they measured.
Tim: Hm-hmm.
Jill: And then you interviewed another hundred guys, can't you just pick one?
Tim: Honey, you cannot pick a granite guy out of the phonebook like you would a doctor or a lawyer! I got my feelers out.
Jill: When realistically do you think that we can expect to have our kitchen finished?
Tim: If I could predict the future, I'd be down at the race track right now. [Phone rings] Cross your fingers. Cross your fingers. [Picks up phone] Hello this is him...Hi...Well perfect....well that's all the information on your answering machine...Can you be here tomorrow?...8 o'clock?...Perfect...can't wait...thank you very much. Bye. [Hangs up] The god of granite just smiled on us!
Jill: [Excitedly] Meaning?
Tim: We just hired the best granite guy in the state.
Jill: Yes!
Tim: Well apparently the couple he was working for split up, huh-ha...she got the sports ute and the house....he got the shitsu. And we got the granite guy!
[Opening credits]
Cut to kitchen.
[Brad, Randy and Mark are eating breakfast at the kitchen table. Tim is at kitchen sink.]
Tim: Alright guys, hustle up, he'll be here any minute and I want everything neat and tidy.
Brad: Of course, we mustn't be messy for the granite guy.
Mark: Do I look okay for the granite guy?
Randy: You don't look okay for anybody.
Tim: I'm serious. It's important to project a good image for your sub-contractors.
Randy: Oh is that why you're not gonna be here today? Good thinking Dad.
Tim: I'm not gonna to be here today because I'm supporting my family. And I'll tell you something else, it would be a lot easier getting a new family than it would be getting a new granite guy.
Brad: And on that psychotic note, I'm leaving for school.
Mark: Me too.
Randy: Hey uh, hugs and kisses to the granite guy.
Jill: [Comes downstairs] Bye sweetie. Bye guys, have a good day. [The boys leave. To Tim] Good morning.
Tim: Good morning. [Notices her clothes: black pants, white shirt and denim shirt] Is that what you're wearing?
Jill: What's wrong with what I am wearing?
Tim: Well nothing if we're going to a tractor pull or something. But the granite guy is coming. [Doorbell rings] Can't you put on some lipstick or something... do something with your hair?
Jill: Sure, and I'll put on some pearls for the plumber. God!
Tim: [Opens door] Oh, hi. Patty. You're just in time for the granite guy.
Patty: [Pauses and look strangely at Tim] I don't know what you're talking about. It's not the first time though. [proceeds to kitchen and hands Jill a textbook] Jill, brought your psych book.
Jill: [Takes book] Thank you.
Tim: [Puts arm around Patty] Look at Patty. She looks great, doesn't she? Now she is ready for the granite guy.
Jill: Will you shut up!
[Door bell rings. Tim walks to door. Patty and Jill proceed to table]
Jill: God.
Patty: What's that about?
Jill: He's nuts!
[Before opening the door, Tim uses spray mouth freshener and then opens the door]
Ian: Tim Taylor? [Sticks out hand for a shake]
Tim: Hey, that's me! Huh. [Shakes hands] And I don't need to know who you are! Your work speaks for itself! [Tim follows Ian into kitchen] I want to introduce you to my kitchen.
Ian: Wow, Tim you did a great job on these cabinets.
Tim: And this is my wife, Jill.
Patty: [Steps in front of Jill and sticks out her hand for a shake] And her friend, Patty.
Ian: Pleased to meet you Patty. [Looks to Jill] Jill, I believe we've met before.
Jill: [Nervously] Yes, I-I think we have.
Tim: Where?
Ian: At the Y. As a matter of fact, Tim, I've seen you there too.
Tim: Don't remember.
Ian: Small world, isn't it?
Jill: Yeah, here I thought you were just a gym guy...and you're the granite guy!
Ian: That's me. Hey, uh, Tim I need a workspace, do you have a garage?
Tim: [Mockingly] Do I have a garage? I got something out there you might like. I got a '46 ford convertible all retro-ed out.
Ian: Ooo, what do you have under the hood?
Tim: [Mockingly] What do I have under the hood? [Tim and Ian go to garage]
Patty: Oh man, is he gorgeous! It's like he walked out of a dream!
Jill: Tell me about it! He's the guy!
Patty: What guy?
Jill: [Panicking] The guy! The guy! The guy! Who... who I had the sexy dream about!
Patty: The guy that asked you out at the gym?
Jill: Yes!
Patty: The widower with the four daughters?
Jill: No, no! That was just in my dream, you know, I don't know anything about this real Ian.
Patty: Right. [pauses] You going to tell Tim he asked you out?
Jill: I can't. I mean he's driven us all crazy looking for somebody to do the counters. He's finally found someone he likes.
Patty: So?
Jill: Well, if I tell him he could get jealous and he could fire him and then I'll be looking at holes in my kitchen forever.
Patty: Yeah. I'll bet you'd much rather look at the granite guy.
Jill: Stop. Look, really, all that happened was that he asked me on a date, he found out I was married...that was it, y'know?
Patty: Yeah. But what about the dream?
Jill: The dream was just a dream. Ian is just a symbol.
[Ian and Tim enter from garage]
Patty: [Lowers her voice to Jill] Yeah, a sex symbol. [Louder for everyone to hear] Well, okay I gotta go! See you guys later.
Tim: Bye Patty.
Patty: Bye Tim. [She leaves]
Tim: [Looks at watch] Oh well, let's see I gotta get to work. If there is anything you need, just ask Jill.
Ian: Okay.
Tim: [Whispers in Jill ear] Give this guy whatever he wants. [Kisses her. Tim walks toward front door]
Jill: Bye.
Ian: Bye. [Tim leaves] Well, this is certainly a coincidence, huh?
Jill: Yeah, I'll say!
Ian: What's your husband gonna say when he finds out I asked you out.
Jill: Well, you know, I don't think I am gonna tell him. Tim tends to get jealous know...nothing happened, so what's the point?
Ian: Well, if that's the way you want to handle, you're secret's safe with me. I gotta get some more stuff out of the truck.
Jill: Yeah, I have to work on this psych paper.
Ian: You know, I used to teach sculpting in college.
Jill: Really?
Ian: Uh huh.
Jill: How did you get involved working on granite?
Ian: Well, it pays a lot better. And I like working with my hands, you know?
Jill: Hm, Lucky us.
[Ian drops keys. Jill takes a noticeably pleasant look at his butt as he bends over. She catches herself and turns away in shame]
Cut to Tool Time On location in Al's living room.
[Heidi hangs up her jacket]
Heidi: Welcome to "Tool Time" on location from Al's living room. Today we're going to show you how to conserve energy. Now, a good place to start would be replacing all your old insulation. [Tim and Al enter from behind her] I would recommend that you--
Tim: --Heidi?
Heidi: Yes?
Tim: Do tell us when the camera is rolling, won't ya?
Heidi: Okay! [Leaves]
Tim: Hi, I am Tim "the Landlord" Taylor and, of course, you all know my tenant, Al Borland. [Al salutes]
Al: Now, in winter, homes consume more energy which is why I like [Knocks on window] double glazed windows.
Tim: And double glazed donuts. Now, along with replacing these windows, we're just come from the basement where we put in new furnace filters.
Al: That's right. For maximum efficiently I recommend you replace the filters every thirty days.
Tim: Al's on a thirty day cycle, that explains the bloat. [Puffs face out like a blowfish]
Al: Alright, ah. Next up, next up we're uh... we're gonna look for the greatest source of energy loss in a home: air leaks!
Tim: Right, you can usually find a good one underneath the front door.
Al: That's right, to simply fix that, put in a door sweep as a barrier.
Tim: An easy do-it-yourself fix.
Al: Uh huh. Let's get to work.
Tim: Alright. Ooh Al, I see another draft. [Picks up filled beer mug] Ah. This is a cold one. [Tim drinks the beer]
Cut to Taylor kitchen.
[Jill is taking food out of refrigerator]
Jill: Would you like some of this old...olive least I think those green things are olives.
Ian: I think I'll stick with what I brought. Oh, as of a matter of fact, would you like to have some chicken florentine? [Opens container and shows Jill] I got plenty.
Jill: [Leans over to smell container] Ooh, that smells great.
Ian: Grab a plate.
Jill: Okay, great. Thanks! [puts food back in refrigerator] I much of a cook. My meatballs are harder than these countertops.
Ian: [Ian laughs] I have a killer recipe for meatballs.
Jill: Really? What do you put it in it?
Ian: Cayenne and chili peppers.
Jill: Ooh, that sounds hot.
Ian: Oh it is hot, I like hot, don't you?
Jill: [Nervously and really fast] Yeah, I like hot. Hot's good, nothing's wrong with hot.
Ian: Well, then you have to try this jalapeno corn bread.
Jill: Oh. [Ian casually feeds a bite to Jill] Mmm, oh my gosh, that's really good. [She is putting food on plates]
Ian: Isn't it something?
Jill: Uh huh. [Finishes dividing up the lunch on two plates] That enough?
Ian: You bet. [They walk to table]
Jill: God, it's nice to have a break from this stupid paper.
Ian: Yeah you seemed a little stressed over it.
Jill: I have this teacher, Professor Nimmelman. He's impossible to please.
Ian: Norm Nimmelman?
Jill: You know him?
Ian: Yeah, I play guitar in a band with him.
Jill: [Jill laughs] Norm Nimmelman is a musician?
Ian: Yeah. Well, let's just say he has an instrument and sound comes out of it. [Jill laughs]
Cut to Tool Time on location in Al's house.
[Heidi is standing in front of the fireplace]
Heidi: Welcome back to "Tool Time" and our continuing effort to make Al's place more energy efficient.
Tim: Thank you Heidi. We now give you: [Pretends like he is blowing a horn and there is horn introduction music in the background]
Tim & Al: The board door!
Al: Now a board door is the most effective way to detect air leaks in your home!
Tim: It does that by creating a vacuum inside the house pulling outside air through any crack or opening you have.
Al: That's right, and since you can't see air--
Tim: --unless you live in Los Angeles. [in a mock voice] Oh, that's not pollution, that's a marine layer!
Al: We're gonna use this generator to create smoke so we can then see our leaks. [Tim blows the smoke in Al's face] Thank you Tim. [Waves at smoke to clear his face]. Alright, now have you sealed up the house, all the doors, windows, vents?
Tim: You bet I have.
Al: Then we're ready to see our leaks.
Tim: Alright, but first off, let's make sure that the fireplace flue is shut. A good way to remember that is to close the flue, pull towards you. Push away, make fire today. My grandfather taught me that.
Al: Alright Tim why don't you go outside and crank up the smoke?
Tim: Can I turn on the blower?
Al: Alright. [Hands blower control to Tim]
Tim: It's a great control panel...look at this bad boy, huh? [Cranks it up all the way]
Al: Uh, Tim. You might not want to tweak it that high.
Tim: The faster we tweak, the faster we find our leak. My grandma taught me that one. [Climbs out window]
Al: [Closes window] Alright, now we'll just seal this up. And wherever we see smoke, I'll just mark that with my adhesive and we'll caulk and seal the leak. Alright here's one. [Smoke starts coming through light switch] Pretty common place for it. Smoke will come in under the siding there.
Tim: [Knocks on window and is yelling over the sound of the fan] Turn off the fan!
Al: Tim probably wants me to turn up the fan. No way!
Tim: Al, I was wrong about the flue. To close the floo, it's push away from you...close the flue!
Al: Ah, well, boy that would defeat our purpose, wouldn't it? Ha, ha. [Goes over to fire place] So we'll uh, we'll just close that up there [Sticks head in fireplace] Seems to be stuck. [sticks head in farther and fiddles with the flue. A load of soot drops down and he pulls his face out of the fireplace...covered in soot]
Cut to Taylor kitchen.
[Jill is on the phone]
Jill: Okay, I'll see ya. Bye!
Ian: [Enters through front door] Well, I'm back.
Jill: What happened?
Ian: Truck won't start.
Jill: Ah.
Ian: Can I use your phone?
Jill: Sure.
Ian: I'll call a buddy and see if I can get a lift.
Jill: Where do you live?
Ian: Ferndale.
Jill: Ferndale? I could give you a ride!
Ian: Ah, you don't have to do that.
Jill: After you shared your lunch with me, that's the least I can do!
Ian: Okay, do you mind if I leave my tools here?
Jill: Uh, yeah yeah sure... oh oh... but cover them up or Tim will want to play with them all night long. [Ian laughs and puts his tools on the kitchen counter]
Cut to the car.
[Jill is driving Ian home]
Ian: Ah, I gotta get rid of that truck, My girlfriend told me trade it in.
Jill: Oh so you have a girlfriend?
Ian: Well not anymore...she traded me in. Ah, she was too good for me anyway.
Jill: [Sympathetically] What's that about? You seem like a great're the granite guy! [Ian laughs] You seem smart and talented...any woman would be lucky to have you.
Ian: That's nice of you to say it, Jill. Oh this is my place...the red one on the right.
Jill: Barn red. Oh, that is so cool!
Ian: Thanks. And thanks for the lift.
Jill: Oh, it's my pleasure.
Ian: [Starts to get out of car] You know, when I got to your place this morning and you know, we saw each other again, I... I was afraid it was going to be just awfully uncomfortable all day long. But it wasn't, not at all.
Jill: No, it really wasn't. You know, we had a nice talk and a nice lunch and-- [Ian leans over and kisses her on the lips]
[Commercial break]
Cut to the car
[Ian and Jill are kissing]
Jill: [Pushes Ian off her] What are you doing? What are you...what are you doing?
Ian: What I thought you wanted me to do.
Jill: No, no-no-no, no, no. I just wanted to give you a ride home, period, that was it.
Ian: Oh, I am sorry. I-I-I couldn't have misread everything though.
Jill: Oh yes, you did. You did.
Ian: Well w-w-w-what about the signals you were sending me?
Jill: What signals?
Ian: Well you didn't want to tell your husband about me asking you out at the gym. Y-you jumped at the chance to take me home.
Jill: I didn--
Ian: --You checked out my butt.
Jill: I did not!
Ian: You did so.
Jill: I did not! Well okay then, how could you tell if someone's checking out your butt if it' know...right in your face.
Ian: Well because I saw your reflection in the window because...I was checking you out.
Jill: Well you had no business checking out a a...married woman's window.
Ian: I know, look, I-I-I'm sorry, I feel like a idiot. Believe me tomorrow everything's going to be strictly business.
Jill: Uh, uh. No. I-I don't think there should be a tomorrow.
Ian: What do you mean?
Jill: I'm not going to feel comfortable having you finish this job.
Ian: Well who's going to install the rest of the granite?
Jill: Well I do happen to be married to Tim "The Toolman" Taylor.
Ian: [Laughs] Well, good luck. [Ian gets out of the car]
Cut to Taylor house.
[Jill is sitting at kitchen table. Tim enters from front door]
Tim: Hi! Why is Ian's truck still out there, you said he was gone. Where is he?
Jill: [Nervously] Ian's truck broke down and I gave him a ride home.
Tim: [Looking at granite on countertop] Look at this, these beveled edges you can't even see a seam. This guy's work is great! Can you imagine what this'll look like tomorrow?
Jill: Pretty much the same.
Tim: Why do you say something like that?
Jill: I fired Ian.
Tim: [Laughing] Hey for a moment there I thought you said you fired my granite guy?
Jill: I did. When I gave him a lift home, he came on to me.
Tim: You fired the granite guy?
Jill: Did you hear what I said? He came on to me.
Tim: What did he have a nice outfit or something?
Jill: He kissed me. [Tim doesn't believe it. He motions to his mouth and Jill nods and motions to her mouth]
Tim: W-what did you do?
Jill: I -I pushed him away.
Tim: Well you should've fired him!
Jill: I did fire him!
Tim: You fired the granite guy! What he's here one day and hitting on my wife... what is that about?
Jill: I know, I know, I should have told you the whole story the minute that Ian walked in the door!
Tim: The whole story? You and Ian have- have a story?
Jill: Well you remember when I told you...that a guy at the Y asked me out on a date.
Tim: Ian was the guy that didn't know you were married.
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: W-well, why didn't you tell me this.
Jill: Because I thought you'd get jealous and it would make you crazy.
Tim: What did it make you Jill?
Jill: Now come on you're gettin' paranoid.
Tim: [Questionably] Am I?
Jill: I had no idea that this was gonna turn out this way. All I wanted was for you not to fire another guy and for us to get our kitchen finished.
Tim: [Questionably] Did you? Maybe you secretly have the hots for the granite man.
Jill: I don't have the hots for any man!
Tim: Hm.
Jill: Look you know what I mean...well, you, you probably have plenty of secrets from me!
Tim: No I don't. You always talk about trust in this marriage. You do something like this and you break it.
Jill: I feel terrible, I am really sorry.
Tim: [Questionably] Are you? Or maybe inside you're jumping for joy? Huh? Huh? Maybe you and Ian are just spinning a web of twisted little lies. And I am just your prawn.
Jill: [Hesitantly] Tim...a-a prawn is a big shrimp.
Tim: Right. [Firmly] You can't play chess with a crustacean.
Cut to Wilson's backyard.
[Wilson is tidying an igloo and Jill is pacing around it]
Jill: What I am asking you honest is a person supposed to be in relationship?
Wilson: Well, Jill, I have always believed in being totally honest.
Jill: You have?
Wilson: Which might explain why I haven't had a decent relationship in over twenty years.
Jill: [Sighs] So maybe it's not such a good idea to be totally honest.
Wilson: Well it depends on the relationship. What made you think you couldn't be totally honest with Tim?
Jill: Well, I told myself it was because I thought he would get jealous. There might be more to it than that.
Wilson: Ahhhh. Uh huh uh huh uh huh. You know I am reminded of the English writer Aleister Crowley who said that "falsehood is invariably the child of fear."
Jill: [Pensively] What am I afraid of? I don't know. Maybe if Tim knew that I was attracted to Ian...
Wilson: ...he would love you less?
Jill: Well, yeah, I mean what kind of a person does that make me?
Wilson: A human person.
Jill: Well, I was extremely human today. [Walks around igloo] I even snuck a peek at this guy's [Notices Wilson's butt sticking out of igloo] butt.
Wilson: Well, Jill that's no big deal. If I had a nickel for every married woman at the library who checked out my butt, I could pay everybody's overdue fines.
Jill: Well I wish that I could just, you know, go ahead and be honest with him and tell him I was attracted to Ian.
Wilson: Maybe you should.
Jill: You know, when it comes to the really big stuff, Tim doesn't keep any secrets from me.
Wilson: Or me!
Cut to Taylor kitchen.
[Jill comes in from backyard. Tim is admiring the granite on the countertop]
Jill: Tim? I know, you're still mad at me.
Tim: You see the shine on this stone? Your stud-muffin must have spent three hours polishing this thing.
Jill: Tim, I'm really sorry. I should have been more up front with you about the whole thing.
Tim: Yes you should have.
Jill: I...want have a trusting marriage. From now on I'm going to try to be more honest with you about everything.
Tim: You are?
Jill: Yeah. [Pause] About Ian--
Tim: --About Ian, are you really attracted to that guy?
Jill: Initially or today?
Tim: Anytime since the dawn of civilization.
Jill: Yes.
Tim: How attracted were you?
Jill: Not attracted enough to even consider putting our marriage in jeopardy.
Tim: But you were still attracted to him.
Jill: Yes I was. You've been attracted to other people?
Tim: Yeah, but no one with his type of skills.
Jill: Come on, Tim. Isn't there somebody that we know that you've been attracted to?
Tim: No.
Jill: Come on, Tim.
Tim: Maybe.
Jill: Who?
Tim: Patty.
Jill: Patty!
Tim: She's kinda hot!
Jill: You think Patty is hot?
Tim: Warm. I shouldn've even told you this. Why did I even- why did I even go there--
Jill: No you should have... cuz these feelings are perfectly natural. All that matters [Walks close to him and cups his face in her hands] is that we are committed to each other. [They kiss]
Tim: [Pulls back] Can I ask you something?
Jill: What?
Tim: Now go with me on this...
Jill: Okay, okay.
Tim: Let's say you weren't married.
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: Who would you or slab boy?
Jill: [Looks down] Did you drop some polish on the floor there? [Tim bends over to wipe it up. Jill takes a look at his butt] I'd pick you.
Tim: [Questionably] Would you? [Jill giggles, they kiss]
Cut to front door of Taylor house.
[There is a knock on door. Tim answers it and Ian is there. They have a "conversation" which is only grunting and there subtitles on the bottom of the screen]
Tim: Argrh, argrh, argrh, arh. [Subtitle: What are you doing here?]
Ian: [Points to tools] Argrh-err. [Subtitle: I came for my tools.]
Tim: [Picks up toolbox from the chair next to the door] Argrh-arr. [Subtitle: Here you go.]
Ian: Argrh. Argrh. Argrh. Argrh-arh. [Subtitle: I am sorry about what happened with your wife.]
Tim: Urgh-ugh? [Subtitle: What about "my knife"?]
Ian: Argrh-arh [Subtitle: I said, "your wife".]
Tim: Arg. [Subtitle: Oh. I am sorry it came to this. You're a hell of a granite guy. Maybe the best there ever was.]
Ian: Argrh [Subtitle: Thanks. See you.]
Tim: Argrh. [Waves and shuts door] Ohh ho ohh. [Subtitle: The jokes on him. I kept his best chisel.] [Tim takes a chisel out of his back pocket]

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