Episode beings in the kitchen. Tim is dusting the cupboards . Jill and Brad enter through front door. |
| |
Brad: | Hey Dad. |
Jill: | Hi sweetie. |
Tim: | Hey. |
Brad: | How're you doing? |
Tim: | Hey look. |
Brad: | Alright. |
Tim: | Good news, honey, I finished the kitchen. |
Jill: | Huh! Finally! |
Brad: | [Looks at kitchen, there are no countertops] I, uh like it, it's...airy. |
Jill: | Well, uh Tim when you said "done" I had a whole different image in my mind. |
Tim: | Well I finished my part...I got the cabinets in. Uh? |
Jill: | Well, they look great. |
Tim: | Thank you. Now we just gotta find the right granite guy to put in the countertops. |
Jill: | [Rolls eyes] Tim, you fired the last two granite guys cuz you didn't like the way they measured. |
Tim: | Hm-hmm. |
Jill: | And then you interviewed another hundred guys, can't you just pick one? |
Tim: | Honey, you cannot pick a granite guy out of the phonebook like you would a doctor or a lawyer! I got my feelers out. |
Jill: | When realistically do you think that we can expect to have our kitchen finished? |
Tim: | If I could predict the future, I'd be down at the race track right now. [Phone
rings] Cross your fingers. Cross your fingers. [Picks up phone] Hello this is him...Hi...Well perfect....well that's all the information on your answering machine...Can you be here tomorrow?...8 o'clock?...Perfect...can't wait...thank you very much.
Bye. [Hangs up] The god of granite just smiled on us! |
Jill: | [Excitedly] Meaning? |
Tim: | We just hired the best granite guy in the state. |
Jill: | Yes! |
Tim: | Well apparently the couple he was working for split up, huh-ha...she got the sports
ute and the house....he got the shitsu. And we got the granite guy! |
| |
[Opening credits] |
| |
Cut to kitchen. |
[Brad, Randy and Mark are eating breakfast at the kitchen table. Tim is at kitchen sink.] |
| |
Tim: | Alright guys, hustle up, he'll be here any minute and I want everything neat and tidy. |
Brad: | Of course, we mustn't be messy for the granite guy. |
Mark: | Do I look okay for the granite guy? |
Randy: | You don't look okay for anybody. |
Tim: | I'm serious. It's important to project a good image for your sub-contractors. |
Randy: | Oh is that why you're not gonna be here today? Good thinking Dad. |
Tim: | I'm not gonna to be here today because I'm supporting my family. And
I'll tell you something else, it would be a lot easier getting a new family than
it would be getting a new granite guy. |
Brad: | And on that psychotic note, I'm leaving for school. |
Mark: | Me too. |
Randy: | Hey uh, hugs and kisses to the granite guy. |
Jill: | [Comes downstairs] Bye sweetie. Bye guys,
have a good day. [The boys leave. To Tim] Good morning. |
Tim: | Good morning. [Notices her clothes: black pants, white shirt and denim
shirt] Is that what you're wearing? |
Jill: | What's wrong with what I am wearing? |
Tim: | Well nothing if we're going to a tractor pull or something. But the granite
guy is coming. [Doorbell rings] Can't you put on some lipstick or something... do something with your hair? |
Jill: | Sure, and I'll put on some pearls for the plumber. God! |
Tim: | [Opens door] Oh, hi. Patty. You're just in time for the granite guy. |
Patty: | [Pauses and look strangely at Tim] I don't know what you're talking
about. It's not the first time though. [proceeds to kitchen and hands Jill a textbook] Jill, brought your psych book. |
Jill: | [Takes book] Thank you. |
Tim: | [Puts arm around Patty] Look at Patty. She looks great, doesn't she? Now
she is ready for the granite guy. |
Jill: | Will you shut up! |
[Door bell rings. Tim walks to door. Patty and Jill proceed to table] |
Jill: | God. |
Patty: | What's that about? |
Jill: | He's nuts! |
[Before opening the door, Tim uses spray mouth freshener and then opens the door] |
Ian: | Tim Taylor? [Sticks out hand for a shake] |
Tim: | Hey, that's me! Huh. [Shakes hands] And I don't need to know who you are! Your work speaks for itself! [Tim follows Ian into kitchen] I want to introduce you to my kitchen. |
Ian: | Wow, Tim you did a great job on these cabinets. |
Tim: | And this is my wife, Jill. |
Patty: | [Steps in front of Jill and sticks out her hand for a shake] And her friend, Patty. |
Ian: | Pleased to meet you Patty. [Looks to Jill] Jill, I believe we've met before. |
Jill: | [Nervously] Yes, I-I think we have. |
Tim: | Where? |
Ian: | At the Y. As a matter of fact, Tim, I've seen you there too. |
Tim: | Don't remember. |
Ian: | Small world, isn't it? |
Jill: | Yeah, here I thought you were just a gym guy...and you're the granite guy! |
Ian: | That's me. Hey, uh, Tim I need a workspace, do you have a garage? |
Tim: | [Mockingly] Do I have a garage? I got something out there you might like. I got a '46 ford convertible all retro-ed out. |
Ian: | Ooo, what do you have under the hood? |
Tim: | [Mockingly] What do I have under the hood? [Tim and Ian go to garage] |
Patty: | Oh man, is he gorgeous! It's like he walked out of a dream! |
Jill: | Tell me about it! He's the guy! |
Patty: | What guy? |
Jill: | [Panicking] The guy! The guy! The guy! Who... who I had the sexy dream about! |
Patty: | The guy that asked you out at the gym? |
Jill: | Yes! |
Patty: | The widower with the four daughters? |
Jill: | No, no! That was just in my dream, you know, I don't know anything about this real Ian. |
Patty: | Right. [pauses] You going to tell Tim he asked you out? |
Jill: | I can't. I mean he's driven us all crazy looking for somebody to do the
counters. He's finally found someone he likes. |
Patty: | So? |
Jill: | Well, if I tell him he could get jealous and he could fire him and then I'll be looking at holes in my kitchen forever. |
Patty: | Yeah. I'll bet you'd much rather look at the granite guy. |
Jill: | Stop. Look, really, all that happened was that he asked me on a date, he found out I was married...that was
it, y'know? |
Patty: | Yeah. But what about the dream? |
Jill: | The dream was just a dream. Ian is just a symbol. |
[Ian and Tim enter from garage] |
Patty: | [Lowers her voice to Jill] Yeah, a sex symbol. [Louder for everyone to hear] Well, okay I gotta go! See you guys later. |
Tim: | Bye Patty. |
Patty: | Bye Tim. [She leaves] |
Tim: | [Looks at watch] Oh well, let's see I gotta get to work. If there is anything you need, just ask Jill. |
Ian: | Okay. |
Tim: | [Whispers in Jill ear] Give this guy whatever he wants. [Kisses her. Tim walks toward front door] |
Jill: | Bye. |
Ian: | Bye. [Tim leaves] Well, this is certainly a coincidence, huh? |
Jill: | Yeah, I'll say! |
Ian: | What's your husband gonna say when he finds out I asked you out. |
Jill: | Well, you know, I don't think I am gonna tell him. Tim tends to get
jealous and...you know...nothing happened, so what's the point? |
Ian: | Well, if that's the way you want to handle, you're secret's safe with me. I
gotta get some more stuff out of the truck. |
Jill: | Yeah, I have to work on this psych paper. |
Ian: | You know, I used to teach sculpting in college. |
Jill: | Really? |
Ian: | Uh huh. |
Jill: | How did you get involved working on granite? |
Ian: | Well, it pays a lot better. And I like working with my hands, you know? |
Jill: | Hm, Lucky us. |
[Ian drops keys. Jill takes a noticeably pleasant look at his butt as he bends over. She catches herself and turns away in shame] |
| |
Cut to Tool Time On location in Al's living room. |
[Heidi hangs up her jacket] |
| |
Heidi: | Welcome to "Tool Time" on location from Al's living room. Today we're going to show you how to conserve energy. Now, a good place to start would be replacing all your old insulation. [Tim and Al enter from behind her] I would recommend that
you-- |
Tim: | --Heidi? |
Heidi: | Yes? |
Tim: | Do tell us when the camera is rolling, won't ya? |
Heidi: | Okay! [Leaves] |
Tim: | Hi, I am Tim "the Landlord" Taylor and, of course, you all know my tenant, Al Borland. [Al salutes] |
Al: | Now, in winter, homes consume more energy which is why I like [Knocks on window] double glazed windows. |
Tim: | And double glazed donuts. Now, along with replacing these windows, we're just come from the basement where we put in new furnace filters. |
Al: | That's right. For maximum efficiently I recommend you replace the filters every thirty days. |
Tim: | Al's on a thirty day cycle, that explains the bloat. [Puffs face out like a blowfish] |
Al: | Alright, ah. Next up, next up we're uh... we're gonna look for the greatest source of energy
loss in a home: air leaks! |
Tim: | Right, you can usually find a good one underneath the front door. |
Al: | That's right, to simply fix that, put in a door sweep as a barrier. |
Tim: | An easy do-it-yourself fix. |
Al: | Uh huh. Let's get to work. |
Tim: | Alright. Ooh Al, I see another draft. [Picks up filled beer mug] Ah. This is a cold one. [Tim drinks the beer] |
| |
Cut to Taylor kitchen. |
[Jill is taking food out of refrigerator] |
| |
Jill: | Would you like some of this old...olive loaf....at least I think those green
things are olives. |
Ian: | I think I'll stick with what I brought. Oh, as of a matter of fact, would you
like to have some chicken florentine? [Opens container and shows Jill] I got plenty. |
Jill: | [Leans over to smell container] Ooh, that smells great. |
Ian: | Grab a plate. |
Jill: | Okay, great. Thanks! [puts food back in refrigerator] I am...um...not
much of a cook. My meatballs are harder than these countertops. |
Ian: | [Ian laughs] I have a killer recipe for meatballs. |
Jill: | Really? What do you put it in it? |
Ian: | Cayenne and chili peppers. |
Jill: | Ooh, that sounds hot. |
Ian: | Oh it is hot, I like hot, don't you? |
Jill: | [Nervously and really fast] Yeah, I like hot. Hot's good, nothing's wrong with hot. |
Ian: | Well, then you have to try this jalapeno corn bread. |
Jill: | Oh. [Ian casually feeds a bite to Jill] Mmm, oh my gosh, that's really good. [She is putting food on plates] |
Ian: | Isn't it something? |
Jill: | Uh huh. [Finishes dividing up the lunch on two plates] That enough? |
Ian: | You bet. [They walk to table] |
Jill: | God, it's nice to have a break from this stupid paper. |
Ian: | Yeah you seemed a little stressed over it. |
Jill: | I have this teacher, Professor Nimmelman. He's impossible to please. |
Ian: | Norm Nimmelman? |
Jill: | You know him? |
Ian: | Yeah, I play guitar in a band with him. |
Jill: | [Jill laughs] Norm Nimmelman is a musician? |
Ian: | Yeah. Well, let's just say he has an instrument and sound comes out of it. [Jill laughs] |
| |
Cut to Tool Time on location in Al's house. |
[Heidi is standing in front of the fireplace] |
| |
Heidi: | Welcome back to "Tool Time" and our continuing effort to make Al's place
more energy efficient. |
Tim: | Thank you Heidi. We now give you: [Pretends like he is blowing a horn
and there is horn introduction music in the background] |
Tim & Al: | The board door! |
Al: | Now a board door is the most effective way to detect air leaks in your home! |
Tim: | It does that by creating a vacuum inside the house pulling outside air
through any crack or opening you have. |
Al: | That's right, and since you can't see air-- |
Tim: | --unless you live in Los Angeles. [in a mock voice] Oh, that's not
pollution, that's a marine layer! |
Al: | We're gonna use this generator to create smoke so we can then see our
leaks. [Tim blows the smoke in Al's face] Thank you Tim. [Waves at
smoke to clear his face]. Alright, now have you sealed up the house, all the doors, windows, vents? |
Tim: | You bet I have. |
Al: | Then we're ready to see our leaks. |
Tim: | Alright, but first off, let's make sure that the fireplace flue is shut. A good
way to remember that is to close the flue, pull towards you. Push away, make fire today. My grandfather taught me that. |
Al: | Alright Tim why don't you go outside and crank up the smoke? |
Tim: | Can I turn on the blower? |
Al: | Alright. [Hands blower control to Tim] |
Tim: | It's a great control panel...look at this bad boy, huh? [Cranks it up all the way] |
Al: | Uh, Tim. You might not want to tweak it that high. |
Tim: | The faster we tweak, the faster we find our leak. My grandma taught me
that one. [Climbs out window] |
Al: | [Closes window] Alright, now we'll just seal this up. And wherever we see
smoke, I'll just mark that with my adhesive and we'll caulk and seal the leak. Alright here's
one. [Smoke starts coming through light switch] Pretty common place for it. Smoke will come in under the siding there. |
Tim: | [Knocks on window and is yelling over the sound of the fan] Turn off the fan! |
Al: | Tim probably wants me to turn up the fan. No way! |
Tim: | Al, I was wrong about the flue. To close the floo, it's push away from you...close the
flue! |
Al: | Ah, well, boy that would defeat our purpose, wouldn't it? Ha, ha. [Goes over to fire
place] So we'll uh, we'll just close that up there [Sticks head in fireplace] Seems to be stuck.
[sticks head in farther and fiddles with the flue. A load of soot drops down and he pulls his face out of the fireplace...covered in soot] |
| |
Cut to Taylor kitchen. |
[Jill is on the phone] |
| |
Jill: | Okay, I'll see ya. Bye! |
Ian: | [Enters through front door] Well, I'm back. |
Jill: | What happened? |
Ian: | Truck won't start. |
Jill: | Ah. |
Ian: | Can I use your phone? |
Jill: | Sure. |
Ian: | I'll call a buddy and see if I can get a lift. |
Jill: | Where do you live? |
Ian: | Ferndale. |
Jill: | Ferndale? I could give you a ride! |
Ian: | Ah, you don't have to do that. |
Jill: | After you shared your lunch with me, that's the least I can do! |
Ian: | Okay, do you mind if I leave my tools here? |
Jill: | Uh, yeah yeah sure... oh oh... but cover them up or Tim will want to play with
them all night long. [Ian laughs and puts his tools on the kitchen counter] |
| |
Cut to the car. |
[Jill is driving Ian home] |
| |
Ian: | Ah, I gotta get rid of that truck, My girlfriend told me trade it in. |
Jill: | Oh so you have a girlfriend? |
Ian: | Well not anymore...she traded me in. Ah, she was too good for me anyway. |
Jill: | [Sympathetically] What's that about? You seem like a great guy...you're
the granite guy! [Ian laughs] You seem smart and talented...any woman would be lucky to have you. |
Ian: | That's nice of you to say it, Jill. Oh this is my place...the red one on the right. |
Jill: | Barn red. Oh, that is so cool! |
Ian: | Thanks. And thanks for the lift. |
Jill: | Oh, it's my pleasure. |
Ian: | [Starts to get out of car] You know, when I got to your place this morning
and you know, we saw each other again, I... I was afraid it was going to be just awfully uncomfortable all day long. But it wasn't, not at all. |
Jill: | No, it really wasn't. You know, we had a nice talk and a nice lunch
and-- [Ian leans over and kisses her on the lips] |
| |
[Commercial break] |
| |
Cut to the car |
[Ian and Jill are kissing] |
| |
Jill: | [Pushes Ian off her] What are you doing? What are you...what are you doing? |
Ian: | What I thought you wanted me to do. |
Jill: | No, no-no-no, no, no. I just wanted to give you a ride home, period, that was it. |
Ian: | Oh, I am sorry. I-I-I couldn't have misread everything though. |
Jill: | Oh yes, you did. You did. |
Ian: | Well w-w-w-what about the signals you were sending me? |
Jill: | What signals? |
Ian: | Well you didn't want to tell your husband about me asking you out at the
gym. Y-you jumped at the chance to take me home. |
Jill: | I didn-- |
Ian: | --You checked out my butt. |
Jill: | I did not! |
Ian: | You did so. |
Jill: | I did not! Well okay then, how could you tell if someone's checking out
your butt if it's...you know...right in your face. |
Ian: | Well because I saw your reflection in the window because...I was
checking you out. |
Jill: | Well you had no business checking out a reflection...in a...married
woman's window. |
Ian: | I know, look, I-I-I'm sorry, I feel like a idiot. Believe me tomorrow
everything's going to be strictly business. |
Jill: | Uh, uh. No. I-I don't think there should be a tomorrow. |
Ian: | What do you mean? |
Jill: | I'm not going to feel comfortable having you finish this job. |
Ian: | Well who's going to install the rest of the granite? |
Jill: | Well I do happen to be married to Tim "The Toolman" Taylor. |
Ian: | [Laughs] Well, good luck. [Ian gets out of the car] |
| |
Cut to Taylor house. |
[Jill is sitting at kitchen table. Tim enters from front door] |
| |
Tim: | Hi! Why is Ian's truck still out there, you said he was gone. Where is he? |
Jill: | [Nervously] Ian's truck broke down and I gave him a ride home. |
Tim: | [Looking at granite on countertop] Look at this, these beveled edges you
can't even see a seam. This guy's work is great! Can you imagine what this'll look like tomorrow? |
Jill: | Pretty much the same. |
Tim: | Why do you say something like that? |
Jill: | I fired Ian. |
Tim: | [Laughing] Hey for a moment there I thought you said you fired my granite guy? |
Jill: | I did. When I gave him a lift home, he came on to me. |
Tim: | You fired the granite guy? |
Jill: | Did you hear what I said? He came on to me. |
Tim: | What did he say...you have a nice outfit or something? |
Jill: | He kissed me. [Tim doesn't believe it. He motions to his mouth and Jill nods and motions to her mouth] |
Tim: | W-what did you do? |
Jill: | I -I pushed him away. |
Tim: | Well you should've fired him! |
Jill: | I did fire him! |
Tim: | You fired the granite guy! What he's here one day and hitting on my wife... what is that about? |
Jill: | I know, I know, I should have told you the whole story the minute that Ian walked in the door! |
Tim: | The whole story? You and Ian have- have a story? |
Jill: | Well you remember when I told you...that a guy at the Y asked me out on a date. |
Tim: | Ian was the guy that didn't know you were married. |
Jill: | Yeah. |
Tim: | W-well, why didn't you tell me this. |
Jill: | Because I thought you'd get jealous and it would make you crazy. |
Tim: | What did it make you Jill? |
Jill: | Now come on you're gettin' paranoid. |
Tim: | [Questionably] Am I? |
Jill: | I had no idea that this was gonna turn out this way. All I wanted was for
you not to fire another guy and for us to get our kitchen finished. |
Tim: | [Questionably] Did you? Maybe you secretly have the hots for the granite man. |
Jill: | I don't have the hots for any man! |
Tim: | Hm. |
Jill: | Look you know what I mean...well, you, you probably have plenty of secrets from me! |
Tim: | No I don't. You always talk about trust in this marriage. You do
something like this and you break it. |
Jill: | I feel terrible, I am really sorry. |
Tim: | [Questionably] Are you? Or maybe inside you're jumping for joy? Huh?
Huh? Maybe you and Ian are just spinning a web of twisted little lies. And
I am just your prawn. |
Jill: | [Hesitantly] Tim...a-a prawn is a big shrimp. |
Tim: | Right. [Firmly] You can't play chess with a crustacean. |
| |
Cut to Wilson's backyard. |
[Wilson is tidying an igloo and Jill is pacing around it] |
| |
Jill: | What I am asking you is...how honest is a person supposed to be in relationship? |
Wilson: | Well, Jill, I have always believed in being totally honest. |
Jill: | You have? |
Wilson: | Which might explain why I haven't had a decent relationship in over twenty years. |
Jill: | [Sighs] So maybe it's not such a good idea to be totally honest. |
Wilson: | Well it depends on the relationship. What made you think you couldn't be
totally honest with Tim? |
Jill: | Well, I told myself it was because I thought he would get jealous. There
might be more to it than that. |
Wilson: | Ahhhh. Uh huh uh huh uh huh. You know I am reminded of the English writer
Aleister Crowley who said that "falsehood is invariably the child of fear." |
Jill: | [Pensively] What am I afraid of? I don't know. Maybe if Tim knew that I was
attracted to Ian... |
Wilson: | ...he would love you less? |
Jill: | Well, yeah, I mean what kind of a person does that make me? |
Wilson: | A human person. |
Jill: | Well, I was extremely human today. [Walks around igloo] I even snuck a
peek at this guy's [Notices Wilson's butt sticking out of igloo] butt. |
Wilson: | Well, Jill that's no big deal. If I had a nickel for every married woman at
the library who checked out my butt, I could pay everybody's overdue fines. |
Jill: | Well I wish that I could just, you know, go ahead and be honest with him
and tell him I was attracted to Ian. |
Wilson: | Maybe you should. |
Jill: | You know, when it comes to the really big stuff, Tim doesn't keep any
secrets from me. |
Wilson: | Or me! |
| |
Cut to Taylor kitchen. |
[Jill comes in from backyard. Tim is admiring the granite on the countertop] |
| |
Jill: | Tim? I know, you're still mad at me. |
Tim: | You see the shine on this stone? Your stud-muffin must have spent three
hours polishing this thing. |
Jill: | Tim, I'm really sorry. I should have been more up front with you about
the whole thing. |
Tim: | Yes you should have. |
Jill: | I...want us...to have a trusting marriage. From now on I'm going to
try to be more honest with you about everything. |
Tim: | You are? |
Jill: | Yeah. [Pause] About Ian-- |
Tim: | --About Ian, are you really attracted to that guy? |
Jill: | Initially or today? |
Tim: | Anytime since the dawn of civilization. |
Jill: | Yes. |
Tim: | How attracted were you? |
Jill: | Not attracted enough to even consider putting our marriage in jeopardy. |
Tim: | But you were still attracted to him. |
Jill: | Yes I was. You've been attracted to other people? |
Tim: | Yeah, but no one with his type of skills. |
Jill: | Come on, Tim. Isn't there somebody that we know that you've been
attracted to? |
Tim: | No. |
Jill: | Come on, Tim. |
Tim: | Maybe. |
Jill: | Who? |
Tim: | Patty. |
Jill: | Patty! |
Tim: | She's kinda hot! |
Jill: | You think Patty is hot? |
Tim: | Warm. I shouldn've even told you this. Why did I even- why did I even go there-- |
Jill: | No you should have... cuz these feelings are perfectly natural. All that
matters [Walks close to him and cups his face in her hands] is that we are
committed to each other. [They kiss] |
Tim: | [Pulls back] Can I ask you something? |
Jill: | What? |
Tim: | Now go with me on this... |
Jill: | Okay, okay. |
Tim: | Let's say you weren't married. |
Jill: | Yeah. |
Tim: | Who would you pick...me or slab boy? |
Jill: | [Looks down] Did you drop some polish on the floor there? [Tim bends over to wipe it up. Jill takes a look at his butt]
I'd pick you. |
Tim: | [Questionably] Would you? [Jill giggles, they kiss] |
| |
Cut to front door of Taylor house. |
[There is a knock on door. Tim answers it and Ian is there. They have a "conversation" which is only grunting and there subtitles on the bottom of the screen] |
| |
Tim: | Argrh, argrh, argrh, arh. [Subtitle: What are you doing here?] |
Ian: | [Points to tools] Argrh-err. [Subtitle: I came for my tools.] |
Tim: | [Picks up toolbox from the chair next to the door] Argrh-arr. [Subtitle: Here you go.] |
Ian: | Argrh. Argrh. Argrh. Argrh-arh. [Subtitle: I am sorry about what happened with your wife.] |
Tim: | Urgh-ugh? [Subtitle: What about "my knife"?] |
Ian: | Argrh-arh [Subtitle: I said, "your wife".] |
Tim: | Arg. [Subtitle: Oh. I am sorry it came to this. You're a hell of a granite guy. Maybe
the best there ever was.] |
Ian: | Argrh [Subtitle: Thanks. See you.] |
Tim: | Argrh. [Waves and shuts door] Ohh ho ohh. [Subtitle: The jokes on him. I kept his best
chisel.] [Tim takes a chisel out of his back pocket] |
| |
CREDITS |
| |
THE END |