Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

Rebel Without Night Driving Privileges

Episode No# 174
Written by:
Jennifer Fisher
Directed by:
Andrew Tsao
Transcript by:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Heidi - Debbe Dunning
Guest Cast
Judy - Megan Cavanagh
Ronny - Kaylan Romero
Episode begins in the garage. Tim is polishing the Nomad. Randy enters.
Randy: Hey Dad.
Tim: Hello Randy.
Randy: Wow. Nomad's looking great. I've never seen it look this shiny.
Tim: Well, that's because after hours of deliberation I have selected this car for you to take your driver's test in.
Randy: Over the Mustang and the Austin Healey? How'd they take it?
Tim: Well the Mustang took it O.K. But the Austin Healey's [Tim speaks in an "English" accent] in a bit of a snit.
Randy: [Randy sits in the open trunk of the car] Dad, I wanted to talk to you about my driver's appointment.
Tim: O.K.
Randy: I called down there to make an appointment and they were all booked up on Saturday so I made it for tomorrow.
Tim: I can't go tomorrow; I'm working.
Randy: I know; Mom'll take me.
Tim: Ah no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no. There are certain first times in a boy's life you don't want your mom with you, and this is the main one. [Tim sits down next to Randy] Um, er, a week from Saturday, we'll go.
Randy: Dad, I don't want to wait --
Tim: -- you can wait a week, wait a week for me.
Randy: Dad, I don't want to wait a week. I'll have Brad take me.
Tim: Well, uh, no, a father's supposed to be there for the great moments in his son's life.
Randy: Dad, you weren't there when I was born.
Tim: But this is big.
Randy: Dad, I know how important this is to you.
Tim: No, this is, you don't know how important this is. This is really a big deal for me.
Randy: Dad, there's gonna be other occasions.
Tim: What other occasions?
Randy: Well, y'know, first dead battery, license renewals, tickets. You'll be right by my side for all of them.
Tim: You're not just saying this?
Randy: [Randy pats Tim on the back] I promise. [Randy stands up to leave]
Tim: God bless you son. [Tim wipes the corner of his eye with a cloth]
[Opening credits]
Cut to the "Tool Time" set.
[Heidi is drilling a wooden frame.]
Heidi: Welcome back to "Tool Time."
Tim: [Tim & Al step out from behind the frame] For those of you who've just joined us, where the hell have you been?
Al: Well, we've already shown you how to run wire through a frame wall before the drywall is up.
Tim: That's right Al. And next we'll show you how to run wire through an existing wall, which can be tough. You'll find yourself in a very tight spot.
Al: Which Tim is very good at getting us into.
Tim: Well Al's also good at getting into tight spots; you wedged yourself into those trousers, didn't you? [Tim mimes pulling himeslf into his trousers]
Al: Now sometimes, y'know, conduit, water pipes, insulation, can make it very difficult to run wire. Tim give me a hand here.
Tim: Alright. [Tim, Al & Heidi turn the wall around to reveal a cut-away existing wall on the other side]
Heidi: Now, as you can see from this cut-out wall, running wire through here would be very difficult.
Tim: But not for our next guest. Let's give a warm "Tool Time" welcome for master electrician Judy McHale. [Tim, Al, Heidi & the audience applaud. Judy enters the set carring a tool box]
Judy: Hi guys.
Al: Hi Judy.
Judy: Tim.
Tim: Judy, welcome to the show.
Judy: Thank you.
Tim: I understand you have a very unique way of running wire through tight, difficult spaces.
Judy: That's right, Tim. I call it Judy's Way.
Tim: Oh, fascinating. Do you have er, do you have a unique tool that you use?
Judy: You betcha. Right here in Judy's Toolbox.
Tim: O.K., why don't you open it with Judy's Hand?
Judy: Oh, O.K. [Judy opens the toolbox and takes out a rat]
Tim: Oh, it's a rat.
Judy: Yeah.
Tim: What do you call this?
Judy: I call it Judy's Rat.
Al: A welcome addition to any toolbox. Does he come in metric?
Judy: Oh! [Al & Judy laugh]
Tim: Erm, Judy, why don't you tell the audience what you've trained that rat to do.
Judy: Oh, I've taught him to run all kinds of wire through walls, including computer wire for schools.
Tim: So you need that rat before you can use your mouse!
Judy: [Judy looks at Tim] Judy takes her work very seriously.
Tim: Judy needs a man. [Judy looks shocked]
Judy: Judy heard that. [Judy turns and smiles at Al] It's true though. I've also taught this little fella how to run wire through walls filled with asbestos. [The rat coughs]
Tim: Well, that would explain the cough then, wouldn't it? Why don't we put the little electrician through his paces, O.K?
Judy: Alright.
Tim: Judy will put the rat in the opening up here.
Judy: And then Tim is going to reward him with a piece of cheese at the bottom. [Judy climbs up the stepladder]
Tim: You can see by the complexity of this wall it would be very hard to do this by hand. That's where the rat comes in very handy. When he comes down the bottom he'll have a little wine and cheese party to celebrate, huh?
Judy: There we go. [Judy puts the rat in the opening]
Tim: Alright. What's next?
Judy: Oh, well we need the cheese.
Tim: Heidi?
Heidi: I left it on the work...bench. [Tim & Heidi turn the the workbench and see Al eating the cheese]
Al: [Al looks at them] Sorry.
Tim: Err.
Judy: It won't work without cheese, Tim.
Tim: I can motivate a rat. Watch this. C'mon, we'll get it going. [Tim climbs up the stepladder] O.K., c'mon, whoo, go on down there. Put your hand there. C'mon, ratty, [Tim thumps the wall] c'mon, miouw, miouw, psst, psst. D'oh! [Tim pulls away from the opening, clutching his nose]
Al: What's the matter Tim?
Tim: Oh, Judy's Rat bit Tim's Nose.
Judy: Judy has a confession to make. Judy's Rat doesn't know how to wire this wall because it's really not Judy's Rat.
Tim: What?
Judy: And I'm not really Judy.
Tim: Well who are you?
Judy: I'm Judy's sister, Trudy. I just wanted to meet Al.
Cut to the living room.
[Jill is sitting at the table. Mark & Ronny enter through the front door. Both are carrying guitar cases]
Jill: Hi guys. What's up?
Mark: Well, the bass player of Ronny's band quit, so I'm taking his place.
Jill: Hey, that's wonderful! Well, except you don't know how to play.
Mark: Didn't stop the last guy. Besides, Ronny's teaching me.
Jill: [To Ronny] What do you play in the band?
Mark: Ronny's our singer.
Ronny: Yeah.
Jill: Y'know, that makes a lot of sense. Cuz normally you're kind of a quiet and private person, and I'll bet that when you're on stage, that allows you to open up emotionally and connect with the audience.
Ronny: No.
Mark: C'mon Ronny, let's play.
Ronny: Later. [Mark & Ronny go upstairs. Tim enters from the garage, with a bandaid on his nose]
Jill: Hi. What happened to you?
Tim: I don't want to talk about it. I see Randy's not back from his driver's test yet.
Jill: Yeah, and I've been thinking.
Tim: Oh no.
Jill: I still think that we shouldn't let him drive at night for a while.
Tim: You take away his night driving privileges, that's humiliating. You might as well just put him in a dress and give him a bus pass.
Jill: Look, I-I'm not just pulling this out of thin air. A lot of states have passed --
Tim: -- I know, I know --
Jill: -- night time driving laws because teenagers have more accidents after dark.
Tim: And it's a good law. But I've driven with him at night and he's a good driver.
Jill: I know. I just want him to have a little more experience behind the wheel before we send him out in the dark.
Tim: Y'know night isn't as dark as it was when we first started driving.
Jill: [Jill looks at Tim] What?!
Tim: El Niño. C'mon, he's gonna be just fine. And we can't have different rules for different kids. We let Brad drive on his first night.
Jill: Well yeah, and he rear-ended somebody.
Tim: That could happen to anybody.
Jill: Then he lied about it.
Tim: He was scared.
Jill: Then the guy he hit tried to sue us. Our insurance rates went through the roof and so did you.
Tim: Yeah, I did, didn't I?
Jill: Yes.
Tim: [Tim picks at his fingers] I got bit by a rat today.
Cut to the kitchen, later that day.
[Randy & Brad enter from the garage]
Tim: Hey.
Brad: Hey. [Brad sees Tim's nose] What happened to you?
Tim: Forget about it Brad. It was Chinatown. [To Randy] Well, what happened?
Randy: Well, I got some bad news.
Tim: Oh God, you, you failed the test.
Randy: The bad news is... you have another teenage driver to insure!
Tim: You. [Tim & Randy high-five] Congratulations! Yeah!
Jill: Congratulations honey. [Jill hugs Randy]
Tim: Alright!
Brad: Yeah, I'm glad I took him. Y'know it brought back a lot of old, great memories from when I started driving. [Brad puts his hand on Randy's shoulder] I'm proud of you kid.
Randy: Thanks pops! [Randy playfully punches Brad on the chest] And this is great. [Randy takes his license from his pocket] I can't believe I actually have my license.
Jill: Yeah Randy, er, your father and I want to talk to you about that.
Randy: Oh, I know, I know, buckle up, drive slow, and always yield to a classic car.
Tim: Er, actually there's more.
Randy: Well, could you make it quick; I'm taking Lauren out for dinner and a drive up to Grosse Point.
Tim: Well, that's great, that's great. You know what might be an even greater idea? Is, is, is you drive up there during the day and you might check it out so if you ever got there at night you'd know, well the night would be a little darker, so you'd have, the darkness would be different than the day, you, you...
Randy: Dad, what are you talking about?
Jill: Er, what your father is, is trying to say is that we're uncomfortable with you driving at night.
Randy: Oh, don't worry about it; I'll be fine. The car's got headlights, mom.
Jill: No, honey, honey, you, you don't understand. Ah, you see, [With emphasis] we are so uncomfortable that in order to alleviate our discomfort, ah, we're not gonna let you do it.
Randy: What? Dad?
Tim: I'm in total agreement with your mom on this. It's, it's just for a short time.
Jill: Yeah, a month.
Tim & Randy: A month?!
Tim: I thought we were thinking about a week?
Jill: You might have thought that but what we meant was a month.
Randy: This is totally unfair.
Jill: Look, night time driving is trickier. We just want you to master day time driving first.
Randy: Mom, you let Brad drive at night as soon as he got his license.
Jill: Yeah, and he had an accident, didn't he?
Randy: So why do I have to pay for Brad's screw-ups?
Tim: Well, that's, that's kind of how the system works. Y'know, you pay for Brad's mistakes, and, and Mark'll pay for your mistakes.
Randy: What mistakes have I made?
Tim: Well, for starters having Brad as a brother.
Randy: This makes no sense. How could you let Mom talk you into this?
Tim: [Tim picks his fingers] I got bit by a rat today.
Cut to the living room.
[The telephone rings. Jill answers it]
Jill: Hello?... Oh yeah, just a second. [Jill switches on the intercom] Mark, it's for you. [Jill switches off the intercom and hangs up the phone. Brad is watching TV] Another call for Mark. You know, this band thing is making him really popular; his calls have doubled.
Brad: Yeah, that's two this month. [Randy enters from the garage]
Randy: Well, I'm back, safe and sound before the danger of nightfall rears its ugly, little head.
Jill: Did you and Lauren have a good time?
Randy: Oh yeah, we had another lovely, wonderful afternoon date. We caught a three-thirty matinée filled with old people explaining the movie to each other, then we went to an early-bird dinner filled with old people saying, [Randy clutches his back, in an old voice] "Does the salmon have bones? I hate bones, huh, huh?" [Mark comes downstairs]
Mark: Hey Mom? Our band got a rehearsal studio for the night. Can I go? I'll be back by eleven.
Jill: No honey, it's a school night.
Mark: Oh c'mon Mom, just this once?
Jill: I don't know, I.
Brad: Mom, think about it: Mark playing somewhere that's not here.
Jill: Well, your grades have been really good lately. So O.K., just, y'know, get your stuff, I'll drop you off on the way to the P.T.A. meeting.
Mark: Thanks Mom [Mark goes upstairs]
Randy: Mom, I don't believe this. When I was his age you never would have let me go out this late on a school night.
Jill: Well, you also never had trouble making friends the way he does. This thing has been really good for him.
Randy: Wait a second, let me get this straight: Mark gets fewer rules because he's a dork, and I get more rules because Brad's a dork?
Brad: That's night-driving dork to you. [Mark comes downstairs with his guitar]
Mark: Mom, I'm ready.
Jill: Look, honey, I gotta go to this meeting. I promise when I get back we're gonna talk about this some more, O.K? Bye-bye guys. [Jill & Mark leave]
Brad: Bye.
Randy: Does this seem completely unfair to you?
Brad: Why would you want my opinion? I'm just a dork.
Randy: Good point. [Randy takes the car keys from the counter and strides towards the garage]
Brad: Where are you going?
Randy: I don't know but I'm driving there in the dark. [Randy leaves]
Brad: Mark's gonna pay for this.
[Commercial break]
Cut to the living room, later that evening.
[Brad is sitting on the couch, eating a pizza. He pulls the cheese topping off the base and stuffs it in his mouth. Tim & Jill enter through the front door]
Jill: We're back.
Brad: [With his mouth full of cheese topping] Oh, how was the P.T.A. meeting?
Tim: It was great! Me and the metal shop teacher heckled the principal the entire time.
Jill: Yeah, God, I was so proud. Where is Randy?
Brad: I really don't know. I, I, maybe he's in bed.
Tim: [Tim looks at his watch] It's nine-fifteen.
Brad: Well, you know, he ate dinner at four.
Tim: You drank all the root beer.
Jill: There's some more in the garage.
Brad: [Brad jumps up and makes towards the garage] Ah, actually I'll get it Dad.
Tim: No, I'm closer. I'll get it. [Jill starts to leave]
Brad: Um Mom, where are you going? [Tim goes into the garage]
Jill: Downstairs; if he's awake I want to talk to him.
Brad: I, I don't really, really think you should go down there.
Jill: Why not?
Brad: Well because if he's sleeping it, it'll be dark and, and you, you could trip and fall and wake him up.
Tim: [Tim returns from the garage carrying some root beer] I found the root beer out there. The odd thing though, I couldn't find the Nomad.
Jill: Oh, no!
Tim: It's not in the driveway, not in the garage. Where is the station wagon, Brad?
Brad: Well, it is called a Nomad, maybe it wandered off?
Tim: Enough with the jokes. Where is the Nomad?
Brad: Alright, alright. Randy took off with it after you guys left; he was really mad.
Tim: Where'd he go?
Brad: I don't know.
Jill: Your brother's out driving alone in the dark with all the nuts out there and all you can say is "I don't know"?
Brad: Well, I-I saved you some pizza.
Jill: [Tim points for Brad to go upstairs. Brad leaves] Where do you think he went?
Tim: I don't know. But he'll be back in, well, I'm guessing maybe a month.
Jill: What's that supposed to mean?
Tim: C'mon. He's driving around because you punished him for something Brad did.
Jill: I'm not punishing him. Besides, I thought we agreed about this.
Tim: No, no, no. We agreed that he shouldn't be driving at night for a while; you came up with this thirty day month thing all by yourself.
Jill: Well, I'm just trying to protect Randy.
Tim: The same way you protected him by letting Mark stay out till eleven o'clock on a school night, something you've never let Randy do? [Tim sits down on the couch]
Jill: Well, I let Randy do... other stuff. Oh, I don't want to argue about this now. I've got to go find him.
Tim: You're not going anywhere. He's gonna be fine. He's doing what you psychiatrists call, er, er, "acting out".
Jill: Yeah. He's "acting out".
Tim: Out, up, in, over, between; it's just psycho-dribble. He, he just feels like, he feels like he's being treated unfairly. That's the problem.
Jill: Y'know, he said something about going to Grosse Point. Maybe I should just drive up there and look for him.
Tim: Yeah! Go up there, find him and his girlfriend making out in the car, rap on the window, [In a high voice] I'm just here to protect my little baby.
Jill: O.K. you're right; bad idea. I'll just wait here for him, give him a chance to come home. [Jill sits next to Tim on the couch]
Tim: Let's have just a little bit of pizza. [Tim opens the pizza box and sees just the base remaining]
Jill: There's no cheese!
Tim: [Tim picks up a piece. Calls upstairs] Hey Brad, has Al been over here?
Cut to the front porch, later that evening.
[Tim is about to leave. Jill comes out the door]
Jill: Yeah Tim, I'm kinda worried about Randy. After you go pick up Mark, will you drive around and look for him?
Tim: Sure. Drive around a city of six million going "Randy! Randy! Randy!" [Tim goes over to the car. Jill goes back inside, then comes out again holding a phone]
Jill: Tim! Tim, take this cellphone with you.
Tim: Ugh.
Jill: If you see him you can call me, or if he comes home I'll call you.
Tim: Alright. [Tim takes the phone]
Jill: What's my number?
Tim: I don't know; it's your phone.
Jill: Well I never call myself.
Tim: Well I never call you either. Why do we have this thing?
Jill: I don't know. Just go.
Tim: Randy! Randy! [Tim leaves. Wilson walks over, wearing a Spanish costume and strumming a guitar]
Wilson: ¡Adi-hola Señora!
Jill: Hi Wilson. What are you doing?
Wilson: Well, I just came from a Cinco de Mayo party. Might I serenade you with a chorus of Cielito Lindo
Jill: Maybe some other time; y'know, I'm kinda worried about Randy.
Wilson: Randito?
Jill: Yeah, he took off with one of our cars.
Wilson: Ohhh, Randito bandito.
Jill: Are you drunk?
Wilson: Excusi me. Finito.
Jill: Ah, see Randy's really mad at me because I won't let him drive at night when I let his brother.
Wilson: Well, was that because of Brad's actions?
Jill: Well, yeah. [Jill & Wilson sit on the porch steps] Tim thinks I've been really unfair. I'm beginning to think he's right.
Wilson: Now why is that?
Jill: Well, y'know, I make different rules for different kids.
Wilson: Hmm.
Jill: I let Mark stay out late on a school night, which I never would let the other guys do.
Wilson: Right.
Jill: I'm an inconsistent parent.
Wilson: Well, todos los empleados deben lavarse las manos antes de volver al trabajo.
Jill: All employees must wash their hands before returning to work?
Wilson: Alright, maybe I had one margarita. [Jill laughs] But I do have something to say about you being an inconsistent parent.
Jill: What's that?
Wilson: Well, y'know, the essayist Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "A foolish consistency is the..."
Jill & Wilson: "... hobgoblin of little minds."
Wilson: Y'know, Randy and Brad and Mark, they're totally different kids. To give them one set of rules would be folly.
Jill: So you're saying that I, I was right not to let Randy drive at night.
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm just saying you should treat each child according to his individual needs.
Jill: Well, maybe Randy didn't need for me to be over-protective of him driving. I mean, I've driven with him; he's great driver.
Wilson: Muy bueno.
Jill: [Jill sighs] So, when he comes home [Jill stands up] I guess I'll, y'know, tell him I'm sorry.
Wilson: Exactamente.
Jill: Wilson, can I give you some advice?
Wilson: Sí.
Jill: Lose the Spanish accent but keep those toreador pants. [Jill goes inside]
Cut to the kitchen.
[Brad is making himself a large sandwich. Jill comes over]
Jill: Brad, how can you eat such a huge sandwich so late at night?
Brad: Well, Randy's gone, I'm eating for two.
Jill: Oh. [Brad goes upstairs. Randy enters from the garage]
Randy: Alright, I'm back. Let me have it.
Jill: Randy, where have you been?
Randy: I was just driving around.
Jill: Randy.
Randy: Mom, I realize it was stupid for me to take the car, but I felt that if I was being punished I might as well do something to deserve it.
Jill: Oh God, I have been a nervous wreck.
Randy: I'm sorry Mom. I just thought that I was getting a raw deal.
Jill: Well, you were. I know you're a good driver. I shouldn't have let Brad's accident affect the way that I treated you. I was wrong.
Randy: Wait, let me get this straight. Did you just say you were wrong?
Jill: Sometimes parents make mistakes.
Randy: Yeah, but they never admit it. I mean, this is huge.
Jill: Yeah, especially since you stole our car.
Randy: Well, I'll tell you what Mom, since this is your first offence I'll let you off with a warning and I hope you do the same for me?
Jill: Oh begin. [Tim & Mark enter through the front door. Mark is shaking a tambourine]
Tim: Will you stop playing that thing? All the way in the car, ding ding ding ding ding. You're driving me crazy with that. Stop it. [Mark stops shaking the tambourine] Ohhh, oh. Look who's back. Mr. Grand Theft Auto. [Mark & Tim come over to Randy]
Mark: I wouldn't want to be you right now.
Randy: I wouldn't want to be you ever.
Mark: Mom, there's been a shake-up in the band; I'm now lead tambourine. [Mark starts shaking the tambourine again]
Jill: Oh.
Tim: Hey Mr. Tabourine Man, play your song somewhere else. [Mark goes upstairs] I asked you not to take the car out at night, you take the car out; it's like stealing it. She's worried sick, I need an explanation for this.
Randy: Dad, I'm sorry.
Tim: Sorry doesn't cut --
Jill: -- Look, we've already talked it all out. I told him that I went overboard and that you were right.
Tim: Yeah, well, I'm telling you -- She said I was right?
Randy: Well, she didn't use your name specifically.
Tim: That doesn't matter; this is huge.
Jill: Can we talk about the punishment that he's gonna get for taking the car.
Tim: Thank God he's back in one piece. The car I assume is alright?
Randy: Yeah, it's fine. Although it was pulling to the left a little, so I put some air in the tires.
Tim: Did you get the good air?
Randy: Yeah, Dad. I, I went to Smitty's; hose across from pump number four. I got it.
Tim: Right, right, right. Did you talk to Smitty about the new air cleaner?
Randy: Yeah, you know he's having marital problems.
Tim: His wife and him aren't getting along at all. The car... [Tim & Randy both talk at once]
Jill: Guys. Can we get back to the punishment thing. [Brad comes over]
Tim: You did take the car; we told you not to. I say, it's fair, a week without any driving at all.
Brad: One week? Wait, I, I couldn't drive for a month after I got in my accident.
Jill: Now that's a completely different situation.
Brad: Well not to me. I mean, how can you give him less punishment than you gave me?
Jill: We have to treat each one of you differently, according to your needs.
Brad: And who decides what are needs are?
Jill: We do. Right Tim?
Tim: Huh? [Tim looks around from the fridge]
Jill: Tim, how come every time I try to have an important parenting discussion you tune out?
Tim: I got bit by a rat this morning.
Cut to the kitchen, later.
[Tim & Jill are washing up. There is "music" coming from the garage]
Jill: What do you think of Mark's band?
Tim: It sounds like they're playing my bench grinder. I'm gonna make sure they're not fiddling with my stuff out there.
Cut to the garage.
[Mark and his band are playing. Tim & Jill open the door to the kitchen]
Tim: It's good. We could send them to Europe to study with the gypsies.
Ronny: [Singing in a monotone] Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Take it Mark.
Mark: [Singing in a monotone] Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. [The finish the song]
Jill: Well, that was great guys.
Tim: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Jill: It was great, really great.
Tim: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Jill: What do you call that?
Ronny: "The Happy Clown".
Tim: You're a very strange little man, Ronny.
Cut to the kitchen.
Brad: Where are you going?
Randy: I don't know but I'm driving there in the dark. [Randy walks over to the garage and tries to open the door, but it's stuck. He laughs and kicks the door]
Cut to the "Tool Time" set.
Tim: Why don't we look at our pint-sized electrician and, and... [Tim takes the rat from Judy and throws it out into the audience] Aahhhhh! [Judy slaps Tim]
[Beep. Cut]
Al: All sorts of things back here, like, like, er, asbestos. and, and, er [Beep]. [Tim, Al & Heidi laugh]

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