Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

Jill's Passion

Episode No# 158
Written by:
Marley Sims, Elliot Shoenman
Directed by:
Peter Bonerz
Transcript by:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Heidi - Debbe Dunning
Guest Cast
Patty - Tammy Lauren
Ian - Tom Wopat
Woman - Carol Androsky
Episode begins in Wilson's garage. Heidi is sitting on top of some junk, introducing "Tool Time."
Heidi: Welcome to "Tool Time" on location. All this week we're gonna show you how to re-model and organize your garage.
Al: And as you can see, this garage is crammed full of every object imaginable.
Tim: Well there's one object missing. I think it's called an automobile.
Al: That's right. The owner of this garage has a classic Studebaker, but because it's so crowded in here [Al picks up a set of bagpipes] he's got no place to put it.
Tim: The first thing you want to do is start getting rid of the big objects, like this totem pole. [Wilson pops his head around the pole]
Wilson: No, no, no, I could never part with my pole.
Tim: This is my neighbor Wilson. It's his garage we're trying to organize.
Wilson: Oh, my old bagpipes! [Wilson takes the bagpipes from Al]
Al: Well, to clean out your garage, you have to be willing to part with stuff.
Tim: That's right. So let's start by getting rid of this old bathtub.
Wilson: Oh, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, that's, that's my special tub, right there. You know, in the roaring twenties my father used this to make bathtub gin. [Tim picks up a rubber duck from the bath]
Tim: That would explain the, the duck without a liver and with the case of jaundice.
Al: O.K., why don't we dump this big lady.
Tim: Al, you do what you want with your mom. I'm trying to do a "Tool Time" show here.
Wilson: Now hands off that statue, Al. That is a family heirloom. If that lady could only talk.
Tim: This "Tool Time" episode would take forever to do.
Al: Alright, well how about dumping the tuba?
Tim: Yeah.
Wilson: No way.
Tim: How about the dog sled?
Wilson: Don't be ridiculous.
Al: The cannon?
Wilson: Never. [Wilson puts the bagpipes down in the bathrub]
Tim: How about something small? [Tim holds up some boxing gloves]
Wilson: No, no, no, no. These are the gloves I wore in my exhibition about Sonny Liston.
Al: You were a boxer?
Wilson: Oh yes indeedy. [Wilson strikes up a boxing pose] Back then I was known as Sugar Wilson Wilson. [Al spars with Wilson]
Tim: To your corners fellas. Get you own punching bag. [Pointing to Al] This punching bag is mine.
Al: Well, sometimes to clear out your garage, the first thing you have to get rid of is the owner.
Cut to Wilson's garage, a little later.
[Al finishes screwing a cabinet to the wall]
Tim: Hi, welcome back to "Tool Time" and our special segment [Al salutes] "organizing your garage." Al has just installed the last of our cabinets.
Al: As before, you used wood screws on the rails that run along the inside perimeter. And as you can see, we built the lower cabinets extra-large so they can fit even the most odd-shaped objects.
Tim: Like Al; he fits right in there, you can barely even see him. [Tim muffles his voice with his hands] I can't get out of here. But the best news is, now we have room for the Studebaker. [Tim pats the car]
Al: Hmm-hm.
Tim: Cabinets are all finished now, Al.
Al: That's right, it looks great.
Tim: Best of all, I think you and I did a good job of organizing Wilson's garage. What do you think? [Wilson enters from his yard]
Wilson: Save for one minor detail.
Tim: Yep. Ah. [Wilson's back yard is filled with the junk from the garage] Er. Tune in tomorrow for another special "Tool Time" "organizing a yard sale."
[Opening credits]
Cut to a gym.
[Jill is trying to adjust the weight settings on her bench. Ian comes over to her]
Ian: Can I give you a hand?
Jill: No, y'know, it's always getting stuck like this. In fact, it's becoming part of my work out, y'know. One, two, one, two. [Jill pulls on the weight pin. Ian laughs. Jill tugs on the pin and it suddenly frees, causing Jill to swing her arm into Ian] Oh! I am so sorry.
Ian: It's O.K.
Jill: Are you sure?
Ian: Oh really, really. I mean, after fifty reps on that quad machine, I have no feeling left in that leg anyway.
Jill: Oh.
Ian: Really, it's alright.
Jill: Oh, I can't believe I did that. [Ian sits down at another machine. Tim enters from another part of the gym]
Tim: Good game, guys.
Jill: Well, hi.
Tim: Well, hi.
Jill: I didn't know you were gonna be here. [Jill starts lifting the weights on her machine]
Tim: Oh yeah. Had an important meeting this morning, it got pushed off, a little b-ball sounded like a good idea.
Jill: Oh. Who was the meeting with?
Tim: A guy named Pee Wee.
Jill: Ah. From the prestigious firm Pee Wee, Pee Wee, Pee Wee and Pee Wee.
Tim: No, it's, Pee Wee's got this radio I want for the '46 rod, it's a one-of-a-kind. It's N.O.S.
Jill: N.O.S? What's that?
Tim: It's called New Old Stock. It's solenoid operated, it's right from a '46 Ford, it's got got a five station preset.
Jill: S.I.A.
Tim: What?
Jill: Sorry I Asked. Oh guess what! Patty got opera tickets, we're gonna go see Carmen tonight.
Tim: Oh no! [Jill laughs] Carmen, the opera. Now if they had an opera named Car Man, I'd be there.
Jill: Um, Mom called. She that that family reunion's gonna be in January now.
Tim: I'm beginning to hate those reunions, y'know? All those weird relatives picking at me, Aunt Sally pinching my cheeks. [Tim pinches his cheeks and imitates Aunt Saly] Give me a little lippy, lippy. I'm off. See you later.
Jill: See you. [Tim leaves. Ian takes some weights over to the rack] How's that leg?
Ian: The leg's fine.
Jill: Ah.
Ian: Did I overhear you say you're going to see Carmen tonight?
Jill: Oh, yeah. I'm really looking forward to it.
Ian: Oh, it is one of my favorite operas. I'm Ian.
Jill: Oh, Jill.
Ian: Y'know, years ago I heard Marilyn Horn sing Carmen at the Met.
Jill: You heard Marilyn Horn?
Ian: Yes I did.
Jill: I love her.
Ian: Oh, when she sang Habanera.
Jill: Oh, that must have been amazing.
Ian: It took my breath away.
Jill: Ah.
Ian: [Singing]
L'amour est un oiseau rebelle,
Que nul ne peut apprivoiser, [Jill joins in]
Et c'est bien en vain qu'on l'appelle,
S'il lui convient de refuser.
That's it! [The other people in the gym applaud. Jill turns away, embarrassed] Do you like La Bohème?
Jill: Oh, I love La Bohème.
Ian: It is coming to town next week. If you'd like to see it I'd love to take you.
Jill: Excuse me?
Ian: Well, maybe we could have dinner first. [Jill lets go of the lifting bar on her machine]
Jill: Um, er, um, did you just ask me out on, y'know, a date?
Ian: Well, I, yeah. I did.
Jill: I'm married. [Jill points to her ring finger, but it's covered by a glove] Oh wait, you couldn't see that, but there was just that guy that I was just talking to.
Ian: The one who hates your family?
Jill: He's my husband.
Ian: Your husband? I thought he was your brother.
Jill: You, you thought he was my brother?
Ian: Yeah.
Jill: What made you think he was my brother?
Ian: Well, y'know, I mean, I, you're going to the opera with, with Patty, and he's going to meet, er, Pee Wee?
Jill: Yeah.
Ian: And, er, you're looking forward to your mom's reunion and he's worried about getting a lippy from Aunt Sally. I, I feel like such a jerk.
Jill: Oh, no, no. I mean, if that's the way we came across, y'know, like Donnie and Marie, I can understand, y'know, how you would have asked me out. The answer's still no, but I can understand how you would have. You really thought he was my brother?
Ian: Look, I'm sorry.
Jill: My. [A woman approaches them]
Woman: You two are wonderful. If my husband sang with me that way, we'd still be together.
Cut to the living room, the next day.
[The boys enter from the backyard, carrying some of Wilson's junk]
Jill: What is all that?
Brad: It's all the stuff Wilson's giving away. [Mark is holding a stuffed boar. Brad is wearing a knight's helmet and carrying a shield and lance. Randy is holding some pipes]
Mark: He gave me his boar.
Randy: Yeah, we tried to give Wilson our bore but Mark wouldn't stay.
Mark: Shut up.
Jill: Guys, I don't want you rummaging through all Wilson's stuff and bringing home all this useless junk.
Randy: Useless? There is nothing useless about a set of Ubanian nose flutes. [Randy sticks one of the pipes up his nose and blows down it]
Jill: I don't know whether to say bravo or gesundheit. [The boys go to their rooms. Brad passes Tim in the hall]
Tim: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What have I told you a thousand times?
Brad: I know. No medieval combat in the house. [Brad goes upstairs. Tim comes over to Jill]
Tim: I got a question for you. Where's a nice quiet restaurant two people can go and just talk?
Jill: I love Sorentino's.
Tim: That's great idea. That's where I'll take Pee Wee.
Jill: Pee Wee.
Tim: If I want that radio, I'm gonna have to wine and dine that guy.
Jill: I see. Tim, we've gotta talk.
Tim: Hmm.
Jill: I would have talked to you about this last night when I got home but I could tell you were doing that thing where you pretend you're asleep so you wouldn't have to talk to me about the opera.
Tim: Hm, if you knew I was pretending why didn't you say something?
Jill: Because if you go to that much trouble to tune me out, what would be the point?
Tim: You're right; the system works, why mess with it.
Jill: Yesterday when we were at the Y, do you remember a guy that was working out right next to me?
Tim: No.
Jill: Well, he was. And, er, he asked me out on a date.
Tim: Where are you guys going?
Jill: Tim, I'm serious. He asked me out cuz he didn't realize I was married; he thought that you were my brother.
Tim: Where did he get that idea?
Jill: I guess because of the way we were relating, y'know. We weren't connecting to each other.
Tim: This is a guy who heard us talking at the Y for, like, five minutes? So what?
Jill: Yeah, I know. But it got me thinking about the way we've been lately.
Tim: How've we been lately?
Jill: Out of tune. Cut off from each other. I mean, yesterday we didn't even kiss hello or goodbye.
Tim: You were all sweaty.
Jill: Tim, I feel like we're drifting apart.
Tim: We're not drifting apart.
Jill: You don't think so?
Tim: No. Our, our relationship is like any couple that's been married this long. It's, it's comfortable. It's, it's like, it's like an old pair of shoes.
Jill: That's what our marriage has become to you? Worn-out footwear?
Tim: Not worn-out, er, broken in, stretched out. This isn't helping, is it?
Jill: No.
Cut to the gym.
[Jill is working on a step machine. Ian enters]
Ian: Jill. I'm so glad you're here. Look, look I want to apologize again for yesterday. I had no idea he was your husband.
Jill: Oh, well, y'know, based on what you saw how could you have known?
Ian: Well, I should have figured it out. I'm just not used to this whole dating thing. Huh, I told my kids I wasn't ready.
Jill: Your kids?
Ian: Yeah, I have four. Their mother passed away six years ago so I've been raising them by myself.
Jill: Wow. That must be so hard.
Ian: Well, it is in certain ways. But I've also gotten to know my daughters better than most fathers ever will.
Jill: You have four girls?
Ian: You're looking at the only man on my block who can do a French braid. Four heads in fifty-eight minutes. I can also hem a dress and cook and mend a broken heart.
Jill: Wow. Is there anything you can't do?
Ian: Yeah. Get myself out on a date. That's why when I saw you yesterday and, er, our duet brought down the gym, it just, we seemed so perfect. [Jill drops her towel. Ian picks it up for her] It's just been a long time since I've, er, been attracted to somebody. [Jill steps off the machine]
Jill: Well, er, y'know, I'm very flattered Ian, y'know, but unfortunately I'm still very married. Did I say unfortunately? I didn't mean that. What I mean was that, y'know, like, under different circumstances, y'know, if I didn't have a wonderful husband at home, who I love and cherish and who loves and cherishes me like a stretched out old slipper.
Ian: You would have said yes. [The other people in the gym leave]
Jill: Yes. [The lights in the gym switch off]
Ian: Then I'm not totally crazy. You are attracted to me too.
Jill: Well, wow, look at that, this place is closing down. We really should, er, [Jill starts to gather up her things] go.
Ian: Yeah, I guess we should.
Jill: Don't want to get locked in.
Ian: No, be stuck in here together all night.
Jill: No, don't want that. Have you noticed that we're not going?
Ian: I noticed. [Jill & Ian kiss]
Cut to Tim & Jill's bedroom.
[Jill opens her eyes from her dream, and sits up]
[Commercial break]
Cut to Tim & Jill's bedroom.
[Jill switched on the light, which wakes up Tim]
Tim: What's the matter? [Jill starts reading a book]
Jill: Oh, I had a dream.
Tim: Oh. Have a bad one?
Jill: [Jill thinks about this] Not exactly.
Tim: What time is it?
Jill: Um, it's 2:15. I'm gonna read for a while.
Tim: Can't you read downstairs? I've gotta get up at 5:30.
Jill: Why do you have to get up at 5:30?
Tim: I've gotta take Pee Wee pheasant hunting.
Jill: You don't like hunting.
Tim: Or pheasants. But I like that radio.
Jill: I'm sorry I woke you up. I'll just go back to sleep. [Jill switches off the light]
Tim: If you have trouble sleeping, just do what I do.
Jill: What?
Tim: Shut your eyes and think about something you really want. Something you're dying to get your hands on.
Cut the the living room.
[Jill and Patty are sitting at the table]
Jill: It was an unbelievable dream. I mean, from the moment this man, Ian, walked in we couldn't take our eyes off each other. Y'know, you could feel the heat.
Patty: I'm feeling it now.
Jill: This is very embarrassing.
Patty: Not for me. Don't leave out a single detail.
Jill: We're alone, the gym is empty, we keep saying that we're gonna leave but nobody moves. And then it happens. We fall into each other's arms and, and kiss.
Patty: Oh, wow. Oh, that is so hot.
Jill: What do you think of my dream?
Patty: I wish it was mine.
Jill: No, that's very scary.
Patty: Why?
Jill: Because I'm a married woman and, and, and I'm fantasizing about an intimate relationship with another man.
Patty: Yeah, but it's just a dream. That's perfectly normal.
Jill: No, no, it would be normal if there weren't a real guy I was attracted to and there wasn't some other guy who looks at me like I'm a pair of floorshimes. [Jill & Patty go over to the kitchen]
Patty: O.K., O.K., I, well, what are you saying? Are you saying that you're actually considering acting on these feelings?
Jill: No. No. I'm committed to Tim. I would nev- no, it's just. O.K., so what? He says we're comfortable. What's wrong with comfortable?
Patty: A lot of couples don't even get to comfortable.
Jill: Right.
Patty: Right.
Jill: And we both know that fireworks eventually burn out. Comfortable lasts forever.
Patty: What's wrong with that?
Jill: Everything.
Cut to Tim & Jill's bedroom, that night.
[Jill is reading in bed. Tim enters]
Tim: Hi.
Jill: Hi. How was your dinner with Pee Wee? Did you get the radio?
Tim: No. He was leading me on. He does this to innocent car guys for free meals and pheasant ammo. Men.
Jill: I'm sorry. I know how much that radio meant to you.
Tim: I can't believe how much money I wasted on this guy.
Jill: Yeah, but it's only money. and you spent it because you love cars so much. I can understand that. [Tim looks at Jill, suspiciously]
Tim: Are you alright?
Jill: Yeah, I'm fine. [Tim sits next to Jill on the bed] I, er, I rented us a video. I thought maybe we could watch it together.
Tim: Ahhh. No, let me guess: Terms of Endearment. [Jill shows Tim the tape] Spartacus! That's my favorite movie.
Jill: I know. I thought I'd give it another chance. I thought it might bring us closer together.
Tim: I'm sitting right next to you.
Jill: Tim.
Tim: Does this have anything to do with that guy at the gym that said I'd married my sister?
Jill: What he said was that we seemed like brother and sister.
Tim: He's a con man, honey. He convinces a woman that she's married to her brother, pfuf, next thing you know, he's moved in, the husband's moved out in a furnished apartment eating celery soup out of a can.
Jill: Honey, I love you. I'm not gonna leave you for another man. I just don't want to go through the rest of our marriage like a brother and sister.
Tim: Me too. Or we'd have to move to the Bayou.
Jill: So tell me something: are you totally satisfied with the way we are?
Tim: Oh yeah. [Tim stands up]
Jill: Tim, c'mon.
Tim: Well, not totally.
Jill: O.K., O.K. If you could change something, if you could wake up tomorrow and have something be different, what would it be?
Tim: Do you really want to know this?
Jill: Yes I do. Say it. Whatever it is.
Tim: Well, if something could be different, I wish, I wish [Tim looks around and leans towards Jill] it could be our sex life.
Jill: How?
Tim: I wish we had one. It's been a long time.
Jill: I know, I know. But you know how hard it is for me when I don't feel close to you.
Tim: Well it's hard for me to feel close to you if we don't have sex.
Jill: Well then, what are we gonna do?
Tim: Well, you said we're out of tune so we'll, let's get a tune-up. What do you say I take you to Sorentino's on Saturday; a little candle-lit dinner, you and I?
Jill: That sounds pretty good. Although you are on the rebound from Pee Wee.
Tim: [Tim yawns] I think I can get over Pee Wee. Let me ask you a question. If there was one thing you could change about our relationship, what would it be? [Tim lies on the bed next to Jill]
Jill: I wish that we would talk more, and I wish sometimes that if I'm feeling down, that you would put your arms around me and just hold me.
Tim: That's two things.
Cut to Tim & Jill's bedroom, later that night.
[Tim & Jill are lying in bed, talking]
Tim: I just wish you understood me better. I mean, look past what I say sometimes and try to figure out what I really mean. You know when I was talking about the shoes, what I was trying to say --
Jill: -- it was like a metaphore.for our marriage. And instead of having my feelings hurt, I should have gotten past my own insecurity and, and, and seen it for what it was: an affirmation of our love.
Tim: Shoes, they say it all.
Fade to later in the night.
[Tim & Jill are sitting up in bed, drinking coffee]
Jill: Someday it will just be the two of us, prowling around the house.
Tim: You think we'll out-live the kids?
Jill: I'm talking about when they move out, y'know, it's gonna leave a big void.
Tim: We'll fill the void with all the stuff we've always wanted to do together.
Jill: Like what?
Tim: Oh, chop and channel a '49 Merc. [Jill looks away] Or buy a fishing boat; we can gut our own flounder.
Jill: I'd rather work on the car.
Tim: Alriiight.
Jill: What about painting?
Tim: I love painting.
Jill: We could take lessons.
Tim: Why? All you need is a pan and two rollers.
Fade to later in the night.
[Tim is massaging Jill's foot]
Tim: I was getting my haircut the other day and I read a magazine that said that a couple gets divorced every minute.
Jill: Gee, you'd think that couple would stop getting married! Y'know, when we first got married I was so scared that it wasn't gonna work out [Jill lies down next to Tim, resting her head on his chest] and then there was this one moment, about six months in, when I realized that we were gonna be O.K.
Tim: I remember that. We went on vacation down on the islands, walk on the beach, the moon was up there, and I told you I loved you more than most of my tools.
Jill: Actually I block that moment out. No, I had been really sick, this terrible, terrible 'flu, and you passed up Laker tickets so that you could stay home and take care of me.
Tim: Yeah. Well, I was young and in love. And I scalped those tickets for three times their face value.
Jill: I can't believe it's been eighteen years.
Tim: I can't believe it's been all night; the sun's coming up. [Jill turns to look at the window]
Jill: Wow. Uh. Do you remember the last time that we stayed up all night, just the two of us, sitting and talking?
Tim: I know what night you're talking about.
Jill: Hmm.
Tim: The night I proposed.
Jill: Yeah. You remember afterwards we went out for breakfast, to that place with the, the big wagon wheel out front.
Tim: Yes! With that big wagon wheel right in front of the place.
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: What was the name of that place?
Jill: The Wagon Wheel. And you remember what we did after that?
Tim: Yes. But I don't think I can still do that after a plate of their hi-ho silver dollar pancakes. [Jill climbs on top of Tim] Hello.
Jill: Maybe this time we should have pancakes after.
Tim: Hi-ho silver. [Tim & Jill kiss]
[Outtake from the previous scene]
[Tim & Jill are kissing. Jill sits up. Ian comes out of the bathroom, wearing only a towel]
Ian: Jill, where do you keep the cream rinse? [Jill bursts out laughing. Tim pushes Jill off him, and he and Ian assume boxing poses. Tim & Ian go into the bathroom together]

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