Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

The Long and Winding Road, Part III

Episode No# 203
Written by:
Bruce Ferber, Lloyd Garver, Marley Sims
Directed by:
John Pasquin
Transcript by:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Heidi - Debbe Dunning
Guest Cast
Harry - Blake Clark
Benny - Jim Labriola
Marty - William O'Leary
Pete - Mickey Jones
Dwayne - Gary McGurk
Rock - Casey Sander
Mario Andretti - Himself
Trudy - Megan Cavanagh
Sparky - Patrick Cronin
Felix - Al Fann
Janeen Rae Heller - Herself
Eddie McCormack - Tom LaGrua
Cal - Keith Lehman
Juke - John "Juke" Logan
Dolores - Shirley Prestia
Jeff - Thom Sharp
Morgan Wandell - Danny Zorn
Man - Bruce Ferber
Episode begins with Tim arriving at the "Tool Time" studio in Brad's car.
Tim: Can't believe this is my last "Tool Time."
Cut to the studio.
Tim: Are you guys ready for the farewell show?
Al: Yes siree, and we're gonna go out on top! We're gonna go out on top and we're gonna segue to new beginnings and brigther tomorrows.
Tim: That's the spirit Al!
Al: Alright! [Tim goes backstage] Oh, I'm a total wreck. I can't believe this is going to be over. [Al & Heidi hug]
Heidi: Oh, I know, me either. This is the last time I'm gonna introduce you guys. [Tim enters the set again. To Tim] The last time I'm gonna give you CPR.
Al: Oh, gosh, I'm gonna miss all this. I'm even gonna miss your put-downs.
Tim: Just cuz the show's over doesn't mean the put-downs have to stop. [Al playfully pounds Tim's shoulder] I can insult you long distance.
Al: W-what do you mean "long distance"?
Tim: Jill got a job at a family practice in Bloomington. Looks like we're moving to Indiana.
Heidi: Indiana?
Al: O-our lives are changing so fast. Oh, stop the rollercoaster. [Al hugs Heidi again]
Tim: Al, Al.
Heidi: Y'know Tim, I knew we had to say goodbye to "Tool Time," I didn't realize we'd have to say goodbye to you.
Tim: Y'know, but change can be a good thing. Er, Al's getting married.
Al: Well, that's true.
Al & Heidi: Yeah! [Al & Heidi hug again]
Al: Alright.
Heidi: And you know what? I'm pregnant.
Tim & Al: She's pregnant! Yeah! [Tim & Al hug. Morgan enters the set]
Morgan: This is it. Today's the big day.
Tim, Al & Heidi: Ohhhhh.
Morgan: Talk about a hot show. I've got about twenty fire marshals standing by for when you [Morgan makes quotes with his fingers] accidentally burn down the set.
Al: Do you really want us to burn down the set? How do you sleep at night, young man?
Morgan: Trust me, gang. The show's gonna be huge. And since I'm a V.P. I get to watch it at Binford H.Q. with the C.O.O., the C.F.O. and the C.E.O.
Tim: Which one would be the S.O.B? [Tim looks at Morgan]
Morgan: Oh, oh, I get it. You're doing a fun thing with letters. [Morgan claps] Alright, break a leg, guys! [Morgan leaves]
Heidi: [Heidi shouts after him] You know, I think starting an electrical fire's just a stupid idea!
Tim: Heidi, Heidi, Heidi, shh-shh-shh. C'mon guys. [Al & Heidi come over to Tim] This is our last "Tool Time." Morgan Wandell's not gonna tell us what to do.
Al: He's not?
Tim: No. "Tool Time's" going out like we came in.
Al: With no audience.
Tim: No. With style, with class. No stupid fires, no fake explosions, and no staged accidents.
Al: Yeah. [Tim rests his hand on a hot plate. It starts to smoke. Tim pulls his hand off. Tim & Al blow on his hand]
Tim: It's much better when it's real. [Heidi sprays some antiseptic on Tim's hand]
Cut to the backyard.
[A man is setting out chairs. Jill enters]
Man: Forty-eight, forty-nine, fifty. Fifty white folding chairs presently in perfect condition.
Jill: Oh, no, no, no, this is not gonna work. See, the bride and the groom are getting married up there on the gazebo and, and half these people aren't gonna be able to see anything.
Man: No big deal. Most marriages end in divorce anyway.
Jill: Wait, um, no, look, I don't-- [The man leaves. Wilson enters his backyard]
Wilson: Hidy-ho neighborette. Oh, my, my, my, I see Al and Trudy's wedding arrangements are progressing.
Jill: Yeah, but the seating arrangement's all messed up. Just like my life.
Wilson: Now wait a second Jill, I thought you were gonna take that job in Indiana. Tim told me it was all set.
Jill: Yeah, well, y'know, that's what we decided. But I haven't been able to make the phone call. It's a great opportunity, the whole family's being real supportive, I, y'know, I just don't know what's holding me back.
Wilson: Well Jill, this has been your home for twenty years. You'd have to leave your whole life behind, you'd have to say goodbye to all your old friends, we'd have to say goodbye to you.
Jill: So you're telling me to stay.
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Jill: You're telling me to go.
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no.
Jill: Hello! Not helping.
Wilson: Jill, this move is a very difficult decision. I can't be the one to make it.
Jill: When I was a little girl, we moved all the time. My mom never questioned it; she'd just say "Whatever's good for your father's good for all of us" and we'd pack our bags and follow him.
Wilson: So basically for twenty years you've been following Tim.
Jill: Yeah, right to the emergency room. [Wilson laughs] You see, that was the beauty of it. I married Tim, we moved into this wonderful house, and I got to put down roots for the first time in my life and I, I've, I've really cherished that.
Wilson: Yes, but on the other hand, Tim is making a huge change, he's willing to base his life around you. I really think that's worth considering.
Jill: What if we go to Indiana and it all falls apart?
Wilson: And what if it doesn't and you're a huge success? You know, in the words of my older golfing partner, Lee Trevino, "Never up, never in."
Jill: So, I should go, shouldn't I?
Wilson: Jill, there is no limit to what you can accomplish but if you want me to stand here and sell my best friends on leaving, I really cannot do that.
Jill: Wilson, [Jill & Wilson hug] I'm really gonna miss you.
Wilson: So I take it you are going.
Jill: Unless you think I should stay?
Wilson: Jill!
Jill: I'll make the call.
Cut to the "Tool Time" studio.
[Heidi introduces the show]
Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: "Tool Time!"
Heidi: That's right. [Heidi runs out into the audience, where Jill, Brad & Mark are sitting] Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Toolman" Taylor! [Heidi swings out her arms to introduce Tim, slapping Brad across the forehead as she does. Tim & Al enter the set. Heidi leaves]
Tim: Yeah. Thank you, Heidi. Thank you everybody. [There are some fire marshals sat at the back of the audience] Welcome to "Tool Time." I am, and for the last time, Tim "The Toolman" Taylor, and of course you all know my assistant Al "Be Doing Infomercials For A Living" Borland. [Al salutes] This should be a nice show, er, it's our last show, and of course, we all hope to be on to bigger and better things, er. As a matter of fact, Al here's getting married this weekend. [The audience applauds]
Al: We have a great last show for you today. [Tim & Al go over to the bench, which is covered with various household utensils]
Tim: [Tim picks up an overloaded socket] Binford, Binford wants us to intentionally overload a household outlet like this.
Al: Thereby starting a fire and burning the entire set down.
Tim: Instead, I'm gonna show you the right way to do this. [Al starts taking the plugs out of the socket] Folks, just get a surge protector. [Tim produces one from under the bench] Duh.
Al: End of segment.
Tim & Al: Goodnight everybody! [Tim & Al salute]
Tim: Oh, I know what you're thinking: c'mon, last "Tool Time," just plugging in a toaster? C'mon, aren't you gonna light anything on fire? Course we're gonna light something on fire, we're gonna burn this place down, baby! [Mark is videoing the show. Jill has a camera]
Al: With everybody that helped us build it.
Tim: These die-hard fans dropped whatever they were doing to be on this last "Tool Time" with us.
Al: Let's have a warm "Tool Time" welcome for American's favorite all-tool band, the K&B boys, Rock, Dwayne, Pete and Juke! [Heidi leads Rock, Dwayne, Pete & Juke onto the set with their tool instruments] And on hand saw, the lovely Janeen! [Al rotates one of the tool racks to reveal Janeen Rae Heller. Al kisses Janeen on the cheek]
Tim: Oh boy, I'm really glad you guys can be here on the last show.
Rock: Great to be here, Timmy. [Rock shakes Tim's hand] Y'know, it's hard to imagine a world without "Tool Time."
Tim: Yeah.
Dwayne: Kind of an empty feeling deep in your gut. It's not unlike catching your wife doing the nasty with--
Pete: --Dwayne! This is neither the time nor the place.
Tim: You guys are here to play music, right?
Rock: Yes siree, Timmy! Ha-ha! Pete!
Pete: That would be me. One, two, one, two, three! [The guys start playing music, with Pete on the container-drums, Rock on the angle grinder and steel drum, Juke on the harmonica, Dwayne on the hammers and anvil, Janeen on her saw, Tim on metal pipes, Al tapping on the blender, and Heidi banging two wrenches together. They sing along]
Huh! Watch out, you might get what you're after,
Cool baby, strange but not a stranger,
I'm an ordinary guy,
Burnin' down the house!
Tim: Ladies and gentlemen, on staplegun, master upholsterer Sparky Henderson! [Sparky enters the set, firing his stapleguns]
Al: On shock absorber, Eddie from Eddie's Body Shop! [Eddie enters with a shock absorber]
Tim: On plunger, plumber Felix Myman! [Felix enters with two plungers]
Al: And on horn, Mario Andretti! [Mario enters carrying a steering wheel. They all continue to make music. Tim & Al light blow torches]
Pete: One, two, one, two, three, four!
Everybody: [Singing]
Hold tight, till the party's over,
Hold tight, we're in for nasty weather,
There has got to be a way,
Burnin' down the house!
All wet, you might need a raincoat,
Shake down, walkin' in broad daylight,
Three-hundred-sixty-five degrees,
Burnin' down the house!
Burnin' down the house!
Burnin' down the house!
Burnin' down the house!
[Tim accidentally swings his blow torch towards the "Tool Time" banner and ignites it]
Al: Fire! [Two fire marshalls enter and put out the fire]
Cut to the backyard.
[Tim enters carrying some garbage bags]
Tim: [Tim looks around for the trash can] Where's my can?
Wilson: Well, last time I looked it was below your back and above your knees. [Wilson chuckles]
Tim: Where am I supposed to put the garbage?
Wilson: Hey, give it to me. Jill moved all your trash cans over to my side so they'd be more room for the wedding. [Tim passes the garbage bags over the fence]
Tim: If this fence weren't here, we'd have so much more room. We could push the chairs all the way to one side.
Wilson: You know Tim, you're right. We could have all the chairs facing this way.
Tim: Right, and then I would build the arch in your yard.
Wilson: Well, why don't we take the fence down?
Tim: Well, we certainly could.
Wilson: Ah.
Tim: Well, should we?
Wilson: We could always put it back up after the wedding.
Tim: How come we've never thought about taking this fence down before?
Wilson: Oh, I don't know. Maybe we didn't want to reveal too much of ourselves.
Tim: But we went ahead and revealed everything anyway.
Wilson: Yeah. Let's take this sucker down.
Tim: I've got a hammer. I'll go--
Wilson: --no, no, no. I've got some tools over here. Take what you need. [Wilson passes Tim his tool box]
Tim: You got a pry-bar in there?
Wilson: Yeah, yeah. [Wilson takes a bar for himself]
Tim: O.K. Oh boy. [Tim puts the tool box down on the ground. Grunts] Oh no.
Wilson: Hmm?
Tim: What's that? [Tim holds up a shrunken head]
Wilson: [Wilson takes the head from Tim] How many times do I have to bury you?
Tim: Wait till you hear the latest news.
Wilson: Hmm?
Tim: After the final show, [Tim & Wilson start dismantling the fence] Binford was apparently begging me to come back to work. Offered me more money, executive producer.
Wilson: So now you're thinking about staying. Please Tim, do not toy with me like this; you people are reeking havoc on my emotions.
Tim: Calm down. The decision is made: we're moving. It's just that they were dangling a pretty big carrot in front of me.
Wilson: Yeah, well, you gave that carrot up for Jill. She must have appreciated your generosity for that.
Tim: Ah, er, actually she doesn't know about this. I don't want this to affect her decision, O.K?
Wilson: You're a good man, Tim. I'm gonna miss having you as a neighbor.
Tim: You've been a good neighbor too, Wilson. An odd one. [Wilson chuckles. Wilson sticks his hand through the hole in the fence, and Tim shakes it] Hey.
Wilson: Yeah.
Tim: Alright. [Tim & Wilson continue taking down the fence. Tim sees Wilson's entire face through the hole] Wow!
Wilson: Huh?
Tim: Now we can see everything.
Wilson: Does it look any different to how you thought it would?
Tim: Your fly's open.
[Commercial break]
Cut to the backyard.
[The guests are arriving for the wedding]
Jill: Well, it looks like it's gonna be a great wedding.
Tim: I'm really glad we're doing this for Al.
Jill: Me too. This white wedding arch you made is so beautiful. [Tim & Jill stand under the arch]
Tim: Y'know, I was gonna go with golden arches but I was afraid we'd have to serve over two billion Borlands! [Jill laughs]
Jill: Look, look, Harry and Delores. [Jill goes over to Harry & Delores who have just entered] Welcome back. [Jill hugs Delores]
Delores: Thanks.
Jill: How was Tucson, how was your flight? [Jill hugs Harry]
Delores: Well, it started two days ago. Harry made us fly stand-by.
Harry: You didn't have to. I gave you a choice of riding with the pets in cargo.
Delores: At least the pets don't pinch the stewardess' butts.
Harry: Excuse me, flight attendants.
Jill: Come and sit down. [Jill shows them to their seats. Tim goes over to Marty & Benny]
Tim: Hey guys, I saw Al getting his picture taken. Looks like he's gonna go through with this.
Marty: Yeah, well I'm betting it's gonna go the other way.
Benny: And he's not alone. [Benny shows Tim all the money he's taken in bets. Marty sits down next to Jeff]
Tim: You guys are betting on a wedding? That's sick! Put me down for a hundred. [Tim hands Benny the money] I say he gets married, and I've got forty bucks [Tim hands Benny some more money] says he's wearing a flannel thong.
Jeff: Hey, I want some of that action. [Benny looks at Jeff] I mean, you know, I-I-I want, I want to bet on it. [Jeff hands Benny some money]
Cut to the kitchen.
[Jill is at the counter. The caterers arrive with the cake. Morgan enters carrying a basket]
Morgan: Hi.
Jill: Hello. Oh, is this, er, a delivery for Al and Trudy? [Jill takes the basket from him]
Morgan: No. Delivery for Tim and Jill.
Jill: What?
Morgan: Morgan Wandell. [Morgan produces his card] Binford V.P. and media production. And you are even prettier than the way Tim described you.
Jill: Really. How did he describe me?
Morgan: O.K., he didn't. Look, I need to see Tim. I've been trying to convince him to stay with "Tool Time." He keeps turning me down.
Jill: He hated what you did to his show.
Morgan: No, no, no. That's all changed. That's the last episode. We offered to make him the executive producer and we offered to give him a big raise. But he won't budge; something about Indiana.
Jill: He turned you down because of my job offer?
Morgan: I guess so. Must be hard for you to live with that one on your shoulders.
Jill: Look, I resent you trying to make me feel guilty. Now if you don't mind, we're in the middle of a wedding. [Jill pushes Morgan towards the door]
Morgan: I-I--
Jill: To which you are not invited.
Morgan: Alright, but I'm gonna lose my job.
Jill: I'm terribly sorry. Would you please go.
Morgan: I'm Morgan Wandell.
Jill: Yeah.
Morgan: I'm Morgan Wandell. [Jill shuts the door in Morgan's face]
Cut to the backyard.
[Brad goes over to Heidi]
Brad: So how come your husband's not here? Problems at home?
Heidi: No. He's away on an assignment.
Brad: Well, if you were my wife, I wouldn't leave you alone.
Heidi: Well, I'm not your wife and you still won't leave me alone. [Brad walks away. Jill comes over and sits next to Tim]
Jill: [Jill kisses Tim] You are the most amazing and wonderful man.
Tim: Well, hold that thought. The wedding's starting, and I've got a lot of money riding on it. [Brad & Mark sit down next to Tim. Al & Cal walk over to the arch]
Brad: [To Tim] They make a lovely couple.
Tim: Well, they say when you live together for a long time, you start looking like each other. [Trudy walks down the aisle]
Jill: Oh, Trudy looks so beautiful.
Benny: The minister's starting. All bets are down.
Wilson: [Wilson is the minister. The Bible obscurs his face] Dearly beloved, we are gathered here for this joyous and deeply moving occasion.
Tim: [Tim hands Jill his handkerchief] Are you gonna cry through this wedding just like you did through ours?
Jill: [Crying] Yes, but this time I'm happy.
Cut to the backyard, later in the ceremony.
Trudy: And I look forward to spending the rest of my life with you, and to some day hear the pitter-patter of little Borland feet.
Tim: [To Jill] Do they make a steel-toed work booty?
Wilson: And now Al would like to recite the vows that he wrote for Trudy.
Al: My darling Trudy, what more could a man ask for than to be with a magnificent woman like you. You are my rock, my soul mate and my partner through this journey I like to call... [Al takes his notes out of his pocket] life. Come my sweet princess and we shall walk hand in hand.
Tim: [To Jill] Directly into the Twilight Zone.
Jill: [To Tim. Laughing] Stop.
Wilson: Cal, the rings please. [Cal gives Al the rings] Trudy, do you take Al to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?
Trudy: I do. [Al puts the ring on Trudy's finger]
Wilson: Al, do you take Trudy to be your lawfully wedded wife, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?
Al: You bet I do! [Al salutes, catching Trudy on the head. Al kisses Trudy's forehead]
Wilson: Now, by power vested in me by the state of Michigan, and the Church of the Celestial Moon, [Wilson points towards the moon. Everybody turns to look] I now pronounce you husband and wife. Al you may kiss the bride. [Al & Trudy kiss. Everybody applauds. Al & Trudy walk down the aisle, shaking people's hands. Benny hands out the winnings]
Cut to the garage.
[Jill opens the hot rod door. Tim enters]
Tim: Jill, we're in the middle of a wedding. What do you want to talk about?
Jill: Please sit down in the hot rod.
Tim: I don't care what it's about. [Tim sits down. Jill shuts the garage door]
Jill: I can't believe that you turned down Binford for me.
Tim: How did you find that out?
Jill: Morgan stopped by to bribe us with a cheese basket.
Tim: What kind of cheese?
Jill: Giving up that promotion was the sweetest, most selfless thing you've ever done.
Tim: It's the least I could do for you, honey, after all you've done for me. And, and you really deserve this opportunity.
Jill: Yeah, I know I do, but I don't want it. I don't want to go to Indiana.
Tim: This is exactly why I didn't let you know about this. I knew you'd change your mind because of me.
Jill: I don't want to leave here. [Jill climbs into the passenger seat] And this is an opportunity that you have always wanted; to executive produce "Tool Time." Look, if I can find a job like that in Indiana, I can find one like that here.
Tim: But not with Dr. Lee. You said yourself this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Jill: Well-- [Mark & Brad enter the garage]
Mark: Where are you guys going?
Tim: Hop in, I'll tell you all about it. [Mark & Brad climb into the backseat of the car]
Brad: Wait, we're not going to Indiana now, are we?
Jill: We're not going to Indiana at all.
Mark: Alright.
Brad: Ah, shoot. [Brad hands Mark some money]
Tim: Yes we are.
Brad: Alright! [Brad takes the money back from Mark]
Jill: O.K., we're gonna think about it.
Tim: Alright. [Tim takes the money from Brad]
Cut to the backyard.
[Tim taps his glass to make a toast]
Tim: Er, everybody, um, for the last ten years Al, you've been my right hand man, and you've not only been a big part of my life, in many cases you've saved it. Trudy, you're getting a hell of a guy.
Trudy: I know.
Tim: To a very special day. And if you're wearing a certain kind of underwear, a very lucrative one. To Al and Trudy.
Everybody: To Al and Trudy.
Jill: Health and happiness.
Everybody: Health and happiness.
Al: Alright, I just want to say I, I want to thank Tim and Jill for opening up their house to us, and, and, er, well, it, it, Tim, we've just, we've gone through so much and I, well, I, I, I want to thank you for, for giving me my start on "Tool Time." This has been a difficult year, and, and you guys have been there for me every step of the way. And, and no matter where you go or what you do, I, I just want you to know that you'll, you'll always be my best friends. [Al raises his glass]
Tim: Al, Al. [Tim nods towards Trudy]
Al: Oh, oh, and Trudy, er, thank you for marrying me.
Trudy: You're the best.
Tim: Trudy and Al.
Everybody: Trudy and Al. [Al kisses Trudy]
Cut to the backyard, after the wedding.
[Jill finds Al's notes on the ground]
Jill: Oh look, Al must have dropped his wedding vows. We should put them in a special place.
Tim: O.K., toss them in here. [Tim holds out the trash can. Jill laughs]
Jill: Look, you're wedding arch didn't fall down.
Tim: Do you remember the last time we were under one of those? We had no money, we had no kids.
Jill: No idea how our lives would turn out.
Tim: I think so far they've turned out pretty well. [Tim joins Jill under the arch] If you had to go back and do it all over again, would you do it?
Jill: Yeah. Yeah I would. I mean, there's been bumps along the road, I haven't always known where we were headed, there's always a possibilty of a crash, but I wouldn't want to travel with anybody else but you. [Tim & Jill kiss]
Tim: As a matter of fact, I would change things.
Jill: Yeah? What would you change?
Tim: I don't think I'd propose to you in the back of a '68 Dodge Dart, two-seventy-three.
Jill: Yeah, yeah, yeah, O.K., what kind of car would you choose?
Tim: That's not what I mean. If I had to do it again, I'd pick a more romantic spot. First time I looked at you I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. Now twenty years later, I have the same feelings. Except this numbness in my thumb I can't explain. Jill Patterson, would you marry me?
Jill: No.
Tim: No?
Jill: I'm already married to the perfect guy. [Tim & Jill kiss] I know you don't want to go to Indiana.
Tim: It's not about me; it's about you. Are you willing to give up this opportunity?
Jill: Yeah I am. I don't want to leave my life here. Now I, I just, I can't imagine leaving this house. [Tim turns to look at the house. Tim sizes up the house]
Tim: Well, if we ever decide to move, maybe we wouldn't have to leave the house.
Jill: What does that mean?
Tim imagines moving the house on the back of a lorry. Tim & Jill are sat in the cab.
Jill: Are we gonna drive this thing the whole way?
Tim: No, don't be ridiculous. There's faster ways to get there than by land.
Jill: Like what?
Cut to the house being carried on the back of a barge, being pulled by a tug boat.
Jill: I didn't know a tug boat could go this fast.
Tim: It can if it's got more power! [Grunts] Uh-uh-uh-uh!

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